The Rise and Fall of the Stag and the Doe
by SiriusUntiltheVeryEnd
Summary: Moments. They make or break relationships. Lily didn't just happen to fall in love with James. It wasn't an accident, but a long drawn out process that grew out of the relationships of the people around them. And when it came down to it, even Lily and James couldn't fight fate.
1. Only If For a Night

**Part I**

* * *

_And the only solution was to stand and fight, _  
_And my body was bruised and _  
_I was set alight_

**-Florence and the Machine-**

* * *

There are a handful of moments that choose your path in life. Maybe you bought a chocolate shake instead of ice cream. Maybe you decided to wear a dress instead of pants. Maybe your future really was determined on the fact that you woke up ten minutes late on your first day of school. Or maybe none of it mattered. Maybe you still would have ended up where you needed to be, regardless of the little things. Either way, our decisions have an impact on our lives. If James Potter could have said one thing to his son, other than telling him how proud of him he was and how much he loved him, it would have been that every choice has an influence on where our lives lead.

* * *

Sixteen-year-old James Potter waltzed through the guest wing of his house, heading towards the last door on the left. He knocked, and after hearing a grunt of acknowledgment he went inside and threw his body on the bed before him. The sixteen-year-old girl that was lying lazily on the bed was not amused.

"_Potter_," Marlene growled between clenched teeth. "You have five seconds to get your muddy shoes off my bed. Your mother will kill me if she sees it."

"You know, Mar we've been friends since we were little," James pouted as he sunk deeper into her bed. "You'd think you'd actually start to use my first name at some point."

"Yeah you would think so‚" She frowned down at him feigning offense. "But that still doesn't explain why your shoes are on my bed."

Rolling his eyes at her, he frowned, laid flat on his back, and ignored her second comment.

"Is she friends with Snivellus anymore?"

"I'm assuming you are referring to Lily, because well you're always referring to Lily," she muttered. She tucked her long, sunny blond hair behind her ear and put down her book. "And I don't think so. Last time I talked to her, she said she would never speak to him again."

James's face lit up as his head filled with all the possible scenarios of what could happen between Lily and him. Each situation ended the same: with her swept up in his arms, and James the magnificent, handsome victor. Marlene saw the look on her friend's face and swiftly took the opportunity to kick him in the stomach.

"OY! WHAT THE HELL?" James groaned, glaring at her.

She let out a large heave of a sigh and smacked him repeatedly for affect.

"I don't want to see that look on your face! I know what you're thinking, and I'm not having any of it! You hear me? No more 'Get Lily' schemes!"

"Bloody bird," he scoffed darkly, sitting up. "What's so wrong with me liking Lily?"

"Oh, I don't know," Marlene began dryly. "Maybe the fact that she doesn't like you?"

"She's right, you know," Sirius interjected as he walked into the room, wearing nothing but a towel that hung loosely around his hips.

Marlene gave Sirius a dirty look as he dried his hair with a towel. Only Sirius Black could walk into a room almost completely naked and be completely shameless. James at least had the nerve to blush, despite the indecent words coming out of his mouth. Sirius was beyond any decency. In the mere three days Marlene had been visiting, he had barely worn any clothes in an attempt to bother her. Between that and James's several failed attempts to talk about Lily, Marlene was starting to second-guess her decision to visit James at all.

"Okay," Marlene sighed, rubbing her face in irritation. "James. I love you, we love you; but honestly Lily is a lost cause. She's one of my best friends, she really is, but when she commits to something. she commits to it. Period. And she actually has plenty of good reasons to dislike you, so why don't you just go snog Emmeline?" Marlene tried, "She's cute, she's ..clean. Why not?"

Sirius let out a bark of laughter. "Did you just say she's _clean_?"

"Hey, Black," Marlene snapped lethally, her wide, blue eyes narrowing on him, "why don't you go to your room and put some clothes on while the big kids have a conversation?"

"Oh, McKinnon," he smirked devilishly as he leaned against the bedpost. "Don't lie to yourself. You would love it if my towel fell, wouldn't you? You sexy mink, you."

Releasing yet another sigh, Marlene shook her head at Sirius and turned back to James. "But serious-"

"See?" Sirius sighed, as if he was foretelling a mystical prophecy. "You're even calling other people my name because you desire to hear it so much."

"BLACK! OUT!" Marlene screamed, pointing at the door and grabbing her wand for emphasis. "Or I'll turn little Sirius into a prune."

Raising his hands in innocence, Sirius conceded.

"Fine! I'll go in my room and pack."

James snorted once Sirius was gone.

"I don't know why he bothers...He knows he'll go mad at home and be back in less than a month."

"Well after we're done with our little talk, I guess I better get my stuff together too. I think I left my Quidditch gloves in your room‚ Did I?"

He frowned and whined. "I don't want you to leave."

Smiling, Marlene reached over and ruffled James's black, untamable hair affectionately.

"I don't either, but I have to move on to my next stop on the Friendship Tour. Besides, you still get until tomorrow night with me before I head off to visit Dorcas."

"And Lily," James added bitterly.

"_That's it!_ You are banned from saying her name!" She grabbed a pillow and smacked him in the face.

His glasses flew off his face, and a huge grin rose from ear to ear.

"Oh, you want to play that way, McKinnon?"

Giggling, she leapt off the bed and tried to run away from him. But James was far quicker than she. In the time she was across the room, he had his glasses on his face and his arm around her waist threateningly.

"Now, should I throw you in the pond, or just beat you with pillows?" he asked himself.

"James Harold Potter‚" Marlene began between gritted teeth as she struggled to get away from him. She tried to use her five foot ten inches to her advantage, and it usually worked. But James was tall enough for that to not matter this time.

"Yes, Marlene Marie McKinnon?" he snickered into her ear.

"You are an eternal flirt." She rolled her eyes.

"My, my, my," Sirius interrupted with a smirk fresh on his lips. "What would your Lily Flower think if she saw this?"

Marlene took this opportunity to elbow James off of her.

"She'd probably beg me to shag you to get you off her back."

James leaned against the bedpost suggestively. He flexed his Quidditch muscles while making the most unattractive face Marlene had ever seen."Are you offering, Marlene?"

"A little hard to take you seriously with your fly undone, Slick."

Immediately his eyes flickered to his jeans, as a light blush crept onto his boyish face.

"Thanks, Mar."

"Anytime, James," she snickered as she moved for the door. "Lunch, boys?"

Sirius took this suggestion an was the the first to take the lead. His sleek, black hair breezed through the non-existent wind, as he puffed out his chest and lugged his six-foot body down to the kitchen. Marlene followed; her bright blonde hair shaped her face well, accenting her pale blue eyes. Though they were fully grown to a respectable height, Marlene was just two inches shorter than the boys around her. James brought up the rear, adjusting his glasses and laughing as they went.

"Sirius, you really need to stop singing in the shower," James laughed as he plopped down next to Sirius.

"You kind of sound like a howler monkey mating with a Hippogriff," Marlene mentioned thoughtfully before taking a bite of a sandwich.

James snickered in agreement as he grabbed a sandwich of his own.

"You two are just jealous of my natural talent."

"That's exactly what it is," Marlene muttered sarcastically.

Sirius gave her a cheeky look. "Why would you know what I sound like in the shower anyway, McKinnon? You trying to sneak a peek?"

"Oh yes, Sirius," Marlene's voice dripped in disdain. "Because even though you constantly offer to show me your kibbles and bit, I would really go out of my way to catch you naked, when all I need to do is walk by your room to hear you."

"I bet you think about me naked a lot, Dollface."

Marlene rolled her eyes and turned to James. "It's like he hears the words he wants and tosses out the rest."

"What time is it?" Sirius asked suddenly, grabbing James's wrist to look for himself. "Shit, I have to get my stuff."

"I'll help," James gulped down his food and following his best friend up the stairs.

* * *

Marlene stayed and read the letter Lily had written her just yesterday. Though it was exceptionally difficult to be friends with both Lily and James, she somehow managed it...just as long as she didn't talk about Lily to James, and James to Lily.

_Dear Mar,_

_Dorcas and I are having a blast! I wish you could come sooner. I know you promised Potter you would spend a few days with him, but I honestly believe you could have blown him off to see us for an extra few days. You know he wouldn't have looked away from his mirror long enough to notice...Okay, maybe that's a little harsh. That would fit Sirius more. How about, "he would probably too busy bullying smaller people to notice?" Is that better? No? I can feel you judging me, but I'm not taking it back. I won't ever ask you to choose sides, but that in no way means I have to keep my opinion to myself, you know._

_Fine. I'm sorry. I take it back. Satisfied?... No? Whatever, I don't care._

_Anyway, I can't wait for you to get here! Petunia has been gone all week so it's just been Dorcas and I running around town. Mary came for a few days, and we tried to tan outside. Of course, I burned to a crisp, but Mary and Dora insisted on taking pictures with me. They said it was for memories' sake, but I know it was just because it made them look better to be next to me! You know they seek me out when they are exceptionally brown!_

_How is everything going over there? Has Black flashed you yet? I bet you he's waiting to do it. You'll just be sitting there reading that charms book I gave you, and BAM! There's he is in all his glory, traumatizing thought, I know, but I felt you needed to be warned in he does though, I'm going to need to know if he lives up to his reputation. Hope to see you soon, Marls!_

_Lots of Love,_

_Lily_

Marlene's childish laugh filled the empty air at Lily's letter. Lily came off as a strict follower of the rules, and she was. At school, as soon as she put on that badge of authority, she was a woman in charge. She knew every regulation in the book, and she didn't let anybody get anything past her. But having said that, Lily was still this little ball of energy. She was constantly moving and working towards making everything about her and around her better. It was her passion in everything she did that drew people toward her. Her spark of electric energy shot out through her dazzling fiery hair.

Just as she was about to write her friend back, she heard the boys coming down the stairs. Before James could see her note, Marlene tucked it into her pocket and rose to meet them.

Sirius was grabbed his stuff and frowned as he hesitated in the fireplace. His mood wasn't what it was just moments ago. There were very few moments that Sirius Black had spent not smirking, but this was one of them.

James clapped on the shoulder supportively.

"I'll see you soon."

"Yeah," Sirius whispered in a defeated tone as he adjusted the bag on his shoulder.

Marlene's stomach clenched at the sound of it. She'd never seen or heard Sirius defeated; he was always sure of himself. She'd always been a somewhat friend to Sirius, but it wasn't a deep relationship. He was more of a guy that was always just hanging around, making sleazy comments. But in that second, she saw real pain, and she felt bad. She knew about his home life in vague detail, like the way you would know someone's favorite Quidditch team but not really know why they feel that way.

Sirius shook out of it before she could say anything. It was like needed distance in order for him to go. Instead he just waved and flooed to his house.

"Is he going to be okay?" Marlene asked, following James into the living room.

James's grimaced, his natural smile faded off his face.

"He gets like that before he has to spend time with them. I think they bring out the worst in him."

For a second, neither of them said anything, but after a while, James decided to brush it off. Sirius would be fine. He was always fine. They shouldn't worry about him; if anything happened they would hear about it straight away. He figured he should enjoy the last night with Marlene, as he wouldn't see her until they started school in a month. So they went out to the little pasture of grass, and under the hot summer sun, they went over some Quidditch skills. For hours they flew, until the sun went down and their stomachs growled with hunger. They finally headed inside and each cleaned up, and then James started cooking dinner.

"You're sooo going to get captain," Marlene told him as she handed him a knife.

"I don't know, Mar," he said, giving her a smile. "It could be you, you know."

She shook her head.

"Not a chance in the world, James."

James's parents wouldn't be back until the next day. They'd gone for a two-day trip to France for their thirty-fifth year anniversary, and Eleanor Potter was very hesitant to leave. She knew her son well and knew how quickly he could get into trouble even better. But her troubles were resolved when her son asked if Marlene could visit. Marlene wasn't the only person who could talk James and Sirius out of getting into trouble...she just did it more quickly than most could. That was a trick she learned from James her whole life; she knew exactly what to say to make him rethink his actions.

This wasn't Marlene's favorite way to see James. She liked him best when he was off causing mischief with Sirius, Remus and Peter, because there was a twinkle in his eyes and spring in his step that couldn't be matched. It was then that James was in his element, and Marlene loved seeing it. But spending time with James alone was a rarity, and because of this she enjoyed it almost just as much. When they were together, he was relaxed and laid back. He took time to talk about things he wouldn't have the patience to cover when he was with the boys. In this light, Marlene could see what all the other girls saw. He was handsome in a way were his gawkiness somehow meshed with his Quidditch athleticism. His black hair was uncontrollable but it only brought out his large hazel eyes, even through his glasses. But what struck Marlene the most was how genuine of a person James was. Unlike Sirius, he never put on an act or tried to be someone he wasn't. Everything he said or did, he meant. And that sincerity had a certain power behind it that couldn't be replicated. Marlene knew if she had known him in a different way for less time, she could have fallen for him. She knew why Lily resisted him, but as he avidly ranted about the mistreatment of muggles and Muggleborns, Marlene really felt that Lily wasn't seeing the whole picture. Because, she reasoned, if she saw him like this, or rather the way everyone else did, she might fall in love with him, too.

It broke her heart a little to see how perfect they would be together if they both just stopped for a second and saw each other from a different perspective. James was already there. He saw all the beauty there was to Lily, and if she would let him, he would be able to find a lot more. But that was the problem: James was always five steps ahead of everyone else. And Lily refused to see the bigger picture. To her, it wouldn't matter in twenty or thirty years if she gave James a chance. All it would do would validate every sleazy attempt he had made on her in the past.

It was ridiculous. Marlene wanted so much for Lily to just open her eyes, but she was doing everything to stop herself from meddling. James Harold Potter could never be edited. He was the way he was, take it or leave it. So somehow, Lily had to just love him for who he was... If that was even possible.

Once it reached midnight and her yawns became more and more frequent, Marlene hugged her friend goodnight and trudged off to bed.

James head for bed after cleaning up the dishes. He could have done it with magic, but he found that he didn't mind doing it by hand. Cleaning was actually one of his favorite hobbies. Years of chores had programmed him to be good at it, but weeks of detention had taught him to appreciate it. When he cleaned, he could work out whatever problems were plaguing him and get out all of his excess energy to the surface. Tonight, like most nights, he thought of a redheaded girl. On this night however, he regarded Marlene's advice.

Marlene had told him the exactly what he needed to hear. Lily Evans had no interest in him, and probably never would. Sure, there had been a handful of times where he had done things that hadn't put him in the most colorful light, but there were also times where he did good things. And even then she only saw the bad in him. Remus had once told him that he needed that ego check now and again to keep him grounded. And that very well may have been true, but was it wiser just to let her go and chase a girl that wouldn't be offended if he caught her?

Finishing up, James climbed up the stairs and fell into his bed. Sleep found him swiftly and kindly, but it didn't hold him for long. At 3:23 in the morning, he was awoken by the sound of his front door bell ringing. James rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and stumbled out of bed to get the door. It was the middle of the night, and his parents wouldn't be back until that afternoon, so James couldn't think of a single soul who would be banging on his door. Marlene had woken from her sleep; she stood beside him, tall and golden in the moonlight.

Yawning, she asked, "Who is it?"

"No idea," he said gruffly before opening the door.

But both Marlene's and James's jaw dropped as they saw Sirius standing in the doorway. His clothes were ripped; his body was ragged and beaten by what appeared to be a series of hexes. Most horrific of all were his eyes. His stance was still tall and proud, but his gray eyes, which always held such mirth and joy, were hollow, broken, and filled with loaded tears.

"Sirius," James whispered. He gaped at his best friend, unsure of what to say.

Sirius gulped.

"_I ran away...I just_..." He couldn't finish, as he leaned against the doorway.

James leapt into action he grabbed his suitcase, and moved out of the way so Sirius could enter.

"Come on, mate. Let's get you to your room."

"I ...I...can find a place in the morning," Sirius's voice scratched, as his jaw trembled.

"Why would you? You're home," James told him, as he put a hand on his shoulder in a firm gesture that Marlene had seen Mr. Potter use countless times with James.

Marlene then felt her maternal instincts stir as she, too, moved forward. James took the lead with Sirius's things while she gently walked over and grabbed his hand. The gesture made the tears in his eyes threaten to fall, but she didn't wait for them. She squeezed his blistered and bruised hand with a soft one of her own, as she shut and locked the front door.

"Come on," she told him softly. Her nightgown grazed his arm as some of his blood rubbed off on her. "Let's get you cleaned up."


	2. Home

_And although this wave is stringing us along_  
_Just know you're not alone_  
_Cause I'm going to make this place your home_

**-Philip Phillips-**

* * *

Shifting in her sleep, Lily grabbed her pillow and straddled it so that her pale arms could hug it as she slept. The breeze from the window brushed through, ruffling her hair in the process. Across the room, Dorcas snored on her borrowed mattress, but Lily didn't hear it. She was too lost in her dream.

"Well what do you suggest we do in this detention?" James asked her in seductive voice as he hiked up on the teacher's desk behind him effortlessly.

Lily smirked, her blouse slightly unbuttoned as she held a quill in her hand.

"You were bad today. So you have to write lines."

"What kind of lines?" he asked mischievously, his glasses slipping down his nose as he adjusted his tie.

"Well," she purred as she sauntered over to him, clicking her high heels as she did, "let me see."

She brought her body so close to him that the surface of their clothes grazed each other, as his wide hazel eyes bore into the emerald green of her own. She could see every breath rise from his chest and leave through his perfect lips. Flipping out her perfectly curled hair, she looked up at him, with her small chin held high. Hormones swirled around her body, making her skin warm to the touch. His finger rolled in the air around her wrists until he finally brushed the soft skin on the inside of her wrist; a jolt of electricity shot up her body, making her stomach squirm in pleasure. She never thought such a slight touch would make her react like this. She wanted James Potter more than words could ever explain. They leaned closer and closer to each other, and right as her eyes fluttered to a close, she woke up.

* * *

Bolting forward, she covered her mouth with her hand as flush of crimson ran across her face and beads of sweat grew on her blue tank top. Her hair stuck to her face as she panted and looked across the room. Dorcas was still dead asleep, her brown hair sprawling across her pillow as she curled up into a ball and snored. Letting out a sigh of relief, Lily threw the warm blankets off of her and put her feet on the cool floor. Carefully she eyed Dorcas as she tiptoed out of her bedroom, trying not to wake her friend up. Luckily, Dorcas was the deepest sleeper she'd ever met; so much so, she didn't even flinch at the groans the hardwood floor made as she moved across the room.

Lily went into her silent kitchen and poured herself a glass of water to calm herself down. Her heart was still racing, but her mind's chosen topic of thought made her even more incredulous. Sure, she couldn't control the subject of her dreams, but it still freaked her out that even a small portion of her could feel that way about James Potter, the biggest idiot Hogwarts had ever seen. What was worse was it clearly wasn't a small portion of her, either; her whole body had reacted wholeheartedly to the dream as if her body wanted nothing else…and that was completely crazy, because she hated Potter with every fiber of her being. She shook her head, nervously chewing on her lip and focusing on calming herself down. She was just being a normal, hormonal teenage girl…. It meant nothing. James Potter meant nothing to her.

After downing another glass of water, she felt well enough to go back to bed. She again crawled into her sweaty sheets and tried to go back to sleep, but to no avail. She tossed and turned and did everything in her power to forget her dream, but she couldn't seem to get it out of her mind. His big, stupid face was stuck in her head, and no matter what she did, she couldn't forget it.

Finally she gave up and got dressed for the day. Going downstairs, she found her father flipping pancakes for breakfast. He was average height for a man, but Lily always felt that he'd always been the tallest man in the world to her. He had dusty brown hair, a worn face, and the warmest smile Lily had ever seen. As soon as he saw his youngest daughter, that smile was unleashed.

"Morning, Lillian. You're up early," he noted, handing her a healthy plate of pancakes.

She grabbed the plate and scratched her hair thoughtfully.

"Thanks, dad."

"Something on your mind, Lily?" her father asked knowingly.

Lily snorted as she poured some maple syrup on her pancakes. Her father had been a psychology professor at a local college for the past twenty years and after her mother had died six years earlier he had become a single parent to the two girls. If there were one person who could completely see through her it would be her dad. And he was also the only person she could talk to about this, even if she had to be extraordinarily vague to keep from getting embarrassed.

"What do you think dreams mean, Dad?"

His face turned pensive as he put the next batch of pancakes on a plate for himself.

"Depends on what was in the dream."

"Okay, say…hypothetically I was dreaming that I was about to kiss someone I would never kiss in a million years," she voiced in monotone. "What does that mean?"

"Well is it a boy?"

"Uh…Yes."

He scrunched up his face.

"Are you friends with this boy?"

"…I sort of hate him."

"Hate is a strong emotion to 'sort of' feel, Lillian," her father teased easily.

Lily rolled her eyes irritably as she took a bite of her pancakes.

"Okay, he likes me, and he isn't…he isn't the worst person in the world, but I could never date him or like him like that."

"Why not?"

Lily sighed. This absolutely the opposite direction of where she was going and quite possibly the last thing she wanted to talk about with her father. How could possibly make anyone understand the relationship she had with James Potter? Even the people who had been around for years and saw them bicker and fight on a daily basis couldn't comprehend it. Sometimes even Lily, herself, didn't get it. But if there was one thing she wanted to steer clear of, it was her father thinking she liked Potter in any way, shape, or form. Although she had carefully kept James away from her father over the years, she feared far more than she should that one day the two of them would meet, and her father would question Lily's actions.

"It's a long story, Dad."

"Well, to answer your question, to dream of a kiss with someone generally represents love, affection, tranquility, harmony, and contentment. I won't ask, because I prefer to be in the dark, but if the dream ended before you kissed this mystery boy, it shows that you aren't sure how either you feel about them or how he feels about you." He feigned a stern look. "But I don't want you getting it into your head that you should go snogging all the boys at Hogwarts."

"Dad!" she groaned, rolling her eyes.

He grinned as he made another plate, presumably for Dorcas. "I'm just putting the warning out there."

"Thank you, Dad, for your unnecessary, but regardless continuing, support," she told him dryly.

"It's what I'm here for," he assured her as he looked at his watch. "You might want to go wake up Dorcas for breakfast. Isn't your other friend coming by today?"

Lily's face turned into a beam. "Yep, Marlene is."

"Now which friend is this?" he asked as he poured Lily some orange juice to go with the remains of her food.

"She's really tall, blonde. She's the one that comes from a family of six kids."

His eyes widened in acknowledgement. "Oh, yes, that's the one. Does Dorcas have any siblings?"

"Not that I'm aware of," Lily muttered darkly under her breath.

"Well finish up and go wake her. I have to leave for work in half an hour. I want you girls up and about by then, alright Lillian?"

She ate the rest of the food of her plate, put her dishes in the dishwasher, and gave her father a syrupy kiss on the cheek. "Love you, Dad."

He laughed and wiped the stickiness from his cheek. "I'll get you back for that later, missy."

* * *

Doing purely as instructed, Lily ran up stairs in her shorts and cut off t-shirt and jumped on Dorcas's bed.

"THE BRITISH ARE COMING! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!" she yelled at the top of her lungs.

"UGH!" Dorcas growled unattractively. "What's wrong with you? We _are_ the British!"

"Exactly," Lily giggled as if that was an acceptable answer before moving out of Dorcas's reach.

Dorcas's thin brown hair frizzed around the edges and fell in her face as she crawled up into a sitting position. Inhaling sharply, she eyed Lily evilly.

"As soon as I am fully conscious, you better start running, Evans."

Lily giggled again, her face filling with pure amusement.

"Come on, breakfast is ready."

"Did your dad make pancakes?" Dorcas asked in a low voice as she rubbed her face.

"Yesss."

She let out a loud groan of defeat.

"Fine. I'll get up."

"Mary will be here in a few hours."

"_Oh, joy_," Dorcas snorted sarcastically as she scratched her tiny button nose, her tan skin glowing in the sunlight.

Dorcas was always compared to Mary McDonald in terms of looks, and it was true they did look very similar. They both had dark hair, pale skin, and similar builds, and were nearly exactly the same height. But after knowing them for so long separately, Lily almost felt offended at the comparison. Mary was stunning, but it was in a more exotic, unapproachable way. Dorcas was completely approachable, from her adorable smile that endeared her friends to her obvious sex appeal that brought in the boys. Dorcas Meadowes was a force to be reckoned with.

Dorcas pulled on a tight tank top and some form-fitting shorts before running a brush through her straight, brown hair. By the time she was done washing her face, she wide awake and ready for a full day of adventure.

"Is Petunia home yet?" she smirked widely, eyeing Petunia's vacant bedroom.

Lily sulked, "No, but she should show up later."

"Is she still dating that walrus-looking guy?"

"Dorcas!"

"What? You know you hate him, too. He's a sleazy, pompous git," she scoffed. "You're only defending him because you're nice like that, for God knows what reason."

Lily frowned and stopped, giving Dorcas a sad look.

"She's still my sister."

Dorcas smiled and gave Lily's arm a squeeze.

"That doesn't mean her boyfriend isn't a wanker."

Lily sat down across from Dorcas as she ate when her father walked in, freshly shaven and dressed in his usual tweed jacket and tie. He sat down in between them with a fresh cup of coffee in his hands.

"Now Dorcas," he began, "how many boys fancy my daughter?"

Lily's face blushed as red as her hair. "DAD!"

Ignoring his daughter, he addressed Dorcas directly. "Now I know _you_ wouldn't lie to me."

"Of course not, Mr. Evans," Dorcas assured him, her chocolate-colored eyes twinkling with amusement.

"Well then, please give me an informed list of my daughter's suitors so I can be well informed."

Dorcas leaned back in her chair, leaning back on the back legs. "Well, there's Amos Diggory—"

"What's the deal with him?!"

"Did you just say, _'what's the deal?'_ Dad, what have I told you about trying to be cool?" Lily interjected shrewdly.

Her father ignored her and Dorcas shrugged, "He's decent looking, but he's pretty full of himself."

"I see," he murmured, putting his hand on his chin. "What about the others?"

"Well there's John Willis; he's a grade below us, cute, but not up to her level."

Dorcas opened her hand to count. "Zach Wood; he's a Ravenclaw who she patrols with sometimes on prefect duty. Terrence Rowe, Corey Thompson, James Potter-"

"Okay! That's enough!" Lily declared, giving them both death glares.

Dorcas and Mr. Evans howled with laughter as Lily's entire face filled with rage and embarrassment. That stopped when Petunia walked into the kitchen. Her blonde hair was unnaturally straight, and her pale face was pinched in annoyance at the sight of not only Lily, but also one of her magical friends sitting in her kitchen.

Sadness filled Lily's eyes at the sight, and the smile faded from Dorcas' face, as well. Mr. Evans was the only one who was unaffected by the rapid change in attitude. He wiped the coffee from his lips, and stood to greet his eldest daughter.

"Morning, Petunia," he kissed her forehead. "How are you, honey?"

"Fine," she replied icily, shooting Lily a glare. "What is _she_ doing here?"

Dorcas waved animatedly.

"Petunia, Lillian, living room. _Now_," Mr. Evans ordered.

Lily let out a sigh and dragged herself to her feet. Dorcas shot her an encouraging wink and went back to eating her pancakes.

Crossing her arms around herself protectively, Lily felt her stomach turn anxiously as she dug her teeth into her bottom lip in anticipation. Petunia moved as far away from her younger sister as possible.

"Now I want you two to play nice," he pointed at Lily and Petunia. "I don't want to get any phone calls at work from either of you complaining about the other. I have a conference today, so I won't be able to play negotiator. So for just today, please, have a Switzerland party."

"A what?" Petunia muttered in confusion.

Lily scowled. "Switzerland is neutral in all wars. So he's saying no wars today."

_"Suck up_," Petunia spat under her breath as she crossed her bony arms.

"Petunia," Mr. Evans scolded her. "I'm saying this mostly to you. Another one of Lily's friends is coming over today, and I want you to be hospitable. If I hear anything to the contrary, you can forget about visiting your boyfriend this weekend."

Petunia let out a small noise of protest, but he held up a hand to stop her.

"I don't want to hear it, Tuney. If you can't be nice, go spend time with some of your own friends." He checked his old watch. "Now I have to go. I love you both."

Mr. Evans moved forward and kissed them both on the forehead before leaving.

* * *

Three hours later Lily heard the doorbell ring, and she bolted to answer it. As she ripped open the door, she let out a squeal of delight before jumping up to greet Marlene. Letting out a laugh, Marlene dropped her bag and caught the small, but sprightly ginger.

"Jeez Lil, I saw you four weeks ago!" Marlene snorted into her wild red hair as the much shorter girl squeezed the life out of her.

Lily beamed into Marlene's shoulder.

"Far too long!"

Putting Lily back down on the ground, she grinned down at her friend and grinned even harder when she saw a curly haired brunette standing behind her.

"Well hello, Dorky."

Dorcas eyed Marlene. "So we meet again, Marley."

"Well are you going to hug me, or am I going to stand in the doorway all day?"

"Both are very appealing options," Dorcas admitted with a cocky smile.

Lily laughed at them and forced Marlene through the door. "Come on! We're about to have lunch."

Dorcas pulled Marlene in to a tight hug. She wasn't as short as Lily, but she wasn't as tall as Marlene, either, so Marlene still needed to stoop slightly for it to work. Thankfully Dorcas, no matter what the situation was, wore heels so this wasn't too difficult.

"Hey watch this," Dorcas muttered under her breath to Marlene as she walked into the next room.

Lily's oval shaped, emerald eyes widened in fear. "Dorcas, what are you—?"

"Relax ginger tail." Dorcas handed Lily her wand. She grinned, her button nose scrunching up. "Here, see? What damage could I do without a wand?"

Marlene snorted knowingly leaning against the wall beside her. "Tons."

"OY! PETUNIA!" Dorcas called, running into the next room. Then she opened up her arms as if to embrace her. "Hey, fun fact: did you know that magic is spread through touch?"

Marlene and Lily busted out into gasps of laughter as Lily's older sister ran away from the much smaller Dorcas in a fit of blind fear.

"How were the boys?" Lily asked for more of conversation than for actual concern.

Marlene flinched, but forced a smile on her face. "They were fine."

The memory of the night before weighed on her heavily, but she said nothing to Lily about it. But even as she watched Dorcas chase Lily's sister around the house, she couldn't keep the smile on her face.

* * *

Twelve hours earlier, Sirius flinched as Marlene applied a healing solution to his wounds. He didn't want anyone to see him like this, but somehow when he mentally complied the list, he didn't realize Marlene was at the top of it until it was too late to stop her. His shirt was off and so were his pants. Sirius Orion Black was half naked, but for once he didn't say anything about it. In fact, for once he barely seemed to notice. All he could think about was what just happened to him and the fact that Marlene McKinnon was the one taking care of him.

His emotions were jagged and raw. He felt like what he imagined a muggle felt in a car crash; ripped from the comfort of their seat, forced through the windshield, glass stabbing him everywhere, unable to get up, but more so unable to forget why he was dying on the ground in the first place. Sirius wanted to lash out, but he couldn't, because he had no idea what to say. As soon as he arrived on the Hogwarts Express, he knew this day would come, the day where he wouldn't be able to take it anymore, and enough would be enough.

And it had been.

The one thing that he was having trouble processing most was why Marlene was taking care of him. Though they'd always been friends, he'd never felt any sort of bond with her. She was always just a pretty girl to flirt with when none of his favorite prospects were available. Maybe if it had been James, or even Remus, she would have done it out of loyalty. And if it were Peter, she would do it out of pity, but he had never even given her a single reason to be nice to him. And yet here she was in her nightgown and bunny boxers taking care of him. He couldn't think of a reason in the world why. Sure he had some gnarly wounds, including several deep gashes all over him, but James could have handled this. Why did she care?

After letting out several irritated breaths, Marlene finally snapped.

"Stop moving, Sirius!"

"It burns!" he spat through clenched teeth.

"How's it going in here?" James asked from the doorway. His voice was light, but his expression was still somber.

Sirius growled, "She's trying to take my bloody arm off!"

"Well bloody is a perfectly accurate way to describe it," Marlene told him harshly as she poured more solution onto a cut, sending jolts of hot pain up his arm.

Rubbing his eyes, James yawned.

"I'm going to bed. I'll see you guys in the morning."

"Night," they both whispered to him.

Sirius wished he hadn't left. He didn't want James to see him like this, but he didn't want to be alone with Marlene either. He was angry at everything and everyone. James would take his abuse and know that he didn't mean it; he wouldn't take it personally, and he would understand. Sirius struggled to hold back his anger, even though every muscle compelled him to let it out. Finally after a few moments of silence, he couldn't hold it anymore.

"Aren't you supposed to tell me everything's going to be alright?" Sirius lashed out viciously, his voice laced with malice.

"_No_," she scoffed as her eyes lifted from his body to his piercing grey eyes. "I would never promise anybody that, but I am going hold your hand and promise that when it does go to hell, I'll still be here to get you through it."

"_Why_?"

Her blue eyes narrowed on him. "Because you're my friend, asshole."

"Since when?"

"Um, where have you been for the past few years?"

He scoffed darkly. He wanted to hurt someone, _anyone_, just to make someone else feel as bad as he felt. He _needed_ someone to feel as bad as he felt. "We have never been friends," he declared harshly.

His words hurt her deeply. For years Marlene had been insecure about her friendships; she wondered if, when the time came, they would all just disappear. She and Sirius had never been close, but he was still her friend. She knew this wasn't him, and that he was just upset and trying to prove to himself what he believed to be true: that no one could ever love him if his own parents couldn't.

Marlene's chest visibly tightened. She gripped his shoulders and looked him straight in the eye.

"_Anything else you want to get off your chest_? Anything else you want to throw at me? Any other cutting remarks you'd like to _share_? Because you can say every hateful thing you have locked up in there, but I'm not leaving. After I've healed you, if you want me to go, fine. You can rot in here and be bitter about how your parents hate you. But just know that you are being an idiot. We love you, we are your family, and we won't disown you."

He frowned as he was taken back in a haze of disbelief.

They both jumped as they heard a large bang downstairs. Marlene quickly grabbed her wand and rose to her feet.

"What the hell was that?"

Sirius pulled on his pants, snatched his wand and wordlessly went to check it out as Marlene followed him down the staircase. James's door was open, but he wasn't in his room. When they arrived downstairs, he wasn't there either. Fear pulsed in their chests as they both carefully moved towards the front door.

"Where's James?" Sirius asked quietly, his voice weak.

"He wasn't in his room…Maybe he went to go tell his parents?" Marlene guessed wildly as someone repeatedly knocked thunderously on the front door.

He shot her a nervous glance and opened the door.

Marlene's jaw dropped when she saw Sirius's father at the door. The man had Sirius's elegant dark hair and masculine stature, but his eyes were dark, cold, and full of hate.

"You think you can just walk out?" his father roared. "You think you can just shack up with some blood traitors and I will let that stand?"

Marlene swiftly stepped forward. She didn't think about the fact that all she was wearing was a nightgown and some shorts or that it might cause her any harm. Her actions were based purely on instincts; her need to protect her friend superseded any need to protect herself. She didn't know where James was, and frankly Marlene, herself, wasn't even sure what was going on, but what she _was_ sure of was that she wasn't going to let Mr. Black do anymore damage to his son than he already had.

"Mr. Black, you need to leave," Marlene said fiercely, her arm crossing over Sirius's chest protectively.

"_You_," Mr. Black growled, pointing a threatening finger at her. "Blood traitor bitch will stay out of this."

A rage arose in Sirius that Marlene had never seen. He grabbed his father by the collar and forced him against the wall. Sirius's body shook with radiating fury as he used all of his strength to slam his father's broad back against the wall.

"DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO HER LIKE THAT!"

Sirius saw the momentary flash of shock on his father's face. He didn't, however, see his father reach for his wand.

Marlene did though. She jumped forward and pushed Sirius off of his father forcing the spell to hit her. Sirius blinked for a second and then rose to his feet as everything happened at once. Marlene was on the ground screaming as he tortured her. Though she wasn't the intended victim for the Cruciatus Curse, Orion Black found that she deserved to learn to stay out of others' business.

"I told you to stay out of it," he hissed.

Sirius knocked his father's wand out of his hand and threw a punch that made his father's nose break with a loud _crunch_. He would have kept hitting him if he could have—there was enough fuel to continue his rage until dawn—but James arrived, and like Marlene had guessed, he had gone to get his parents.

James ran over in a flash and ripped Sirius off his father. Sirius didn't move willingly, but as soon as he saw James, he broke down into tears. His whole body shook, as his skin grew white as a sheet. James's father, Harold Potter, was absolutely livid. As his wife bent down to check on Marlene, Harold stuck his wand at Sirius's father's throat. Gone was the man who had taught James's how to ride a broom and the proper way to eat ice cream. This was a man beyond kindness and reason.

"Listen to me _very closely_. You are on _my_ property. You have attacked children at _my_ house. If you don't leave now _I will_ _bury you in the back_." His voice grew darker as his eyes filled with loathing. "And if you _ever_ come near _either_ one of my sons again, or any of their friends for that matter you _will _have me to deal with. Now get the hell out of my house."

Harold Potter then released Orion Black, walked over to the front door and pointed outside. He was never the man to shown up. Sirius's father always was perfectly in control; he had lost his temper countless times, but it was always on his terms and on his turf. This time, he had not gained the upper hand. It was four against one, and he knew he didn't stand a chance. So for the first time in his life, he walked away, but not before giving his son a scathing look.

"He's your problem now," he jeered maliciously.

Then he ignored his physical pain and strutted past the Potter family and apparated back to his house.

Mrs. Potter was a Healer; she fixed Marlene's broken rib without difficulty, but she couldn't calm her down as easily. Marlene had been told what it was like to be hit by that curse, but never had anybody ever used it on her before. The feeling still had fire blazing through her bones long after the spell was broken. For a few moments, James, Mr. and Mrs. Potter fussed over Sirius and Marlene, but they were all stunned. It was all so fast and unbelievable that they couldn't believe it had happened. Across the room, Sirius and Marlene's eyes locked, and they knew they'd never be the same.

* * *

"You okay Mar?" Lily asked Marlene, shaking her back to the present.

Marlene looked down at her friend. Lily still had freckles, fair skin, wild red hair and emerald green eyes with all the love and innocence the world had to offer. Marlene wasn't going to take that away from her. So she lied.

"Yeah, I'm just a little tired, Lil. Everything's fine."


	3. Marching On

_We'll have the days we break, and we'll have the scars to prove it,_  
_We'll have the bonds that we save, but we'll have the heart not to lose it._

**-OneRepublic-**

* * *

Dorcas Meadowes let out a loud sigh as she dragged Lily through the Leaky Cauldron to the alley behind it. "Would you move faster, Lils?"

"Why are you in such a rush?" Lily huffed as her short legs fought to keep up with Dorcas.

"I want to get my books, and get the hell out of this place. Every time I'm here I run into Amos Diggory, and if I see that smug bastard today, I might kill him."

Lily frowned as she tucked her wavy crimson hair behind her ears. "What did he do to you that made you hate him? You've never said."

"Let's just say he's an asshole and leave it at that," Dorcas responded briskly as they moved through the crowd.

Lily's frown deepened, but she didn't say anything. She'd been friends with Dorcas for years, but there was always this mysterious side to her. Though it didn't happen often, there were random times when she would know or say something that would throw Lily off and make her wonder where these things were coming from. Of course, Dorcas was more Marlene's friend and even _she_ had trouble reading her, so Lily just figured it was the way Dorcas was.

As they walked, that thought made her incredibly sad. She was close to Marlene, Dorcas, Alice, and Mary, but none of them were her best friend. Marlene and Dorcas were best friends, and Alice and Mary were best friends, leaving Lily all on her own. When she was little, her sister was her best friend, but as soon as that relationship soured Lily became best friends with Severus…but now that didn't exist anymore either. It wasn't like she had a lot going on that required someone to fill the best friend position, but it still made her lonely. Quietly she trailed behind Dorcas as she raced through the street to get to the potions shop.

"Lily?" Dorcas paused and put her arm around Lily. "You okay? You look a bit peaky."

Lily ignored her stupid secure thoughts and smiled at Dorcas. "I'm fine. Let's go."

They spent around a half hour in the potions shop. After about five of those minutes, Dorcas had Lily laughing. And after ten minutes Lily forgot what she was upset about in the first place. By the time they went to the bookstore, they had already hit every other stop they needed, so they were both quite relaxed. Dorcas tipped her hat down on her curly brown hair. She wore shorts, heels and a muggle band t-shirt. Lily, who just wore some jeans and a tank top, wondered why Dorcas always felt the need to wear heels wherever she went. It seemed odd to Lily, but after a while she just figured that it was just another weird thing about Dorcas.

"Okay, you get the first half of our course books, and I'll get the second half. Deal?"

"Well, if we're doing it that way, I think we should make a bit of a sport out of it," Lily smirked, knowing she would win. "I mean, what's the incentive to rushing if we aren't meeting a goal?"

Dorcas rolled her eyes. "You and your _'goals_'…fine. I'll play. What are the stakes, ginger?"

"I don't know. You're better at that part than I am."

"True…How about this? If I win, you have to do whatever I say for a day."

Lily tensed, and her eyes squinted as she felt this was a very large trap. "…Damn, D…You really went for the kill, didn't you?"

"I play to win. What do you want, Lil?"

"I want you to pay for my quills for a week."

Putting out her pale hand, she shook Lily's. "Deal, here's the line. Ready? Set? Go!"

Cheating slightly, Lily tried to trip Dorcas as she raced across the store. Laughing, Dorcas evaded Lily and bolted to the charms section. Running, Dorcas' curls bounced as she tried to move as fast and as carefully as possible without falling, which was a feat in three-inch heels. Just as she was about retrieve the last book and win world domination, she halted in hatred.

Dorcas' eyes narrowed, like a lion seeing a particularly slutty lamb. Her mouth tightened her eyes landed on Emmeline Vance. The tart's shirt was hiked up so all the boys behind her had a perfect view of her butt and a little idea of what else was up there. Her blonde hair was lighter than Marlene's, and although other girls in their year had similar coloring, Dorcas never referred to their hair color as, 'Trash-whore blond.' Lily, Marlene, Alice and Mary all agreed that they didn't care for Emmeline, but Dorcas was the only one who outright proclaimed her hatred for her.

"Wow, Vance," Dorcas sauntered, popping a hand on her hip. "_I didn't know you could read_."

A boy from behind Emmeline assisted her down as she gave Dorcas an innocent look. "Oh hello, Dorcas. I didn't see you there."

With anyone else, Emmeline would have hugged them. She had that fake friendly air about her. Emmeline used it in a way where she would always pretend she and whoever she had run into were old, long-lost friends. When actually, Emmeline really didn't have any friends because whenever she got a new one, she had the tendency to snog their boyfriend within the week.

"Yes well, I'm sure you have much more important things on your mind," Dorcas drawled, sarcasm dripping from her tone.

Emmeline flashed Dorcas a painfully fake smile and whipped her long, perfectly straight blond hair over her shoulder. "I'll see you at school, Meadowes."

"Yes you will, Vance," Dorcas scoffed openly glaring at her.

Lily laughed heartedly as she walked up and nudged Dorcas. "You could have at least faked some manners!"

"I hate that bitch. I really do," Dorcas declared in a tone that was 100 percent serious.

"Well it doesn't matter…you still lost!" Lily cried in victory thrusting her fists into the air. "And I, THE ULTIMATE VICTOR, WON!"

A wide smile crossed Dorcas' face. "Actually Lil, you didn't."

"What do you mean? I got everything on the list."

"No you didn't. You forgot to grab the transfiguration book."

Lily's freckled face went pure white. "They were out, so I put us on the mailing list…"

"Ah, ah, ah," Dorcas tutted sternly. "The rules clearly state that you were supposed to grab all books you were responsible for." Moving forward, Dorcas grabbed the book Emmeline had been blocking. "So technically, I won."

"Please, no," Lily breathed in terror. "Dorcas—"

"Oh don't worry Lily," Dorcas smirked, her tone making Lily worry even more. "I won't be calling this favor in for a while. I think I'm going to wait for the opportune moment."

Lily whined. "Whyyy?"

"Because, my little freckled friend, a bet is a bet. Now let's pay for these and get out of here!"

"Fine," Lily sulked under her breath.

"Don't feel bad, Lils," she mocked. "At least you made a honest effort."

"Next time," Lily vowed pointing an accusatory finger at Dorcas as they moved to wait in line, "I will win."

Dorcas snickered patting her head condescendingly. "Sure you will."

When the pair arrived back at Lily's house, they went to the kitchen and started making cookies for Peter's birthday party. Lily wasn't attending, but she always felt bad for Peter. It was odd; he had a family, he had friends, but there was just something about him that made her stop and feel sorry for him. Though she couldn't put her finger on why that was exactly, she made the cookies anyway.

Somehow thinking of Peter reminded Lily of Marlene. She only stayed for two days, but she barely said anything while she was there. It wasn't that she seemed to have a bad time—she laughed when they played hide and go seek around the neighborhood—but there was just something off about the way she was acting.

"Hey, did you notice Marlene was acting weird when she was here?" Lily asked suddenly as she slid the cookies into the oven.

Dorcas frowned as she sipped her water. "No…But now that you mention it, I guess she was a little quieter than usual. Why do you ask?"

"I don't know, I just thought of it."

"I'm sure it's nothing deep," Dorcas reassured her with a grin. "It's Marlene. She doesn't get a lot of big problems, just plenty of small ones. I'll ask Potter about it when I see him at Peter's birthday party."

"Was Marlene even invited to that?" Lily asked.

"I'm sure she was, but you know how awkward it is between Remus and her," Dorcas shrugged. "I'd bet that Peter invited her, but she probably went to see Potter and Black early so she wouldn't have to spend anymore time with Remus than necessary…I think he thinks they're friends, though."

"He can't see that she's still hurt?" Lily asked, her green eyes crinkling in concern.

Dorcas' face stiffened. "I don't think he wants to see it."

"It's sad. I really thought they'd work out."

"Not every couple is meant to last," Dorcas, the protégé of divorce, murmured.

"I know, but I hate to think you can love someone that much, and then have it not matter in the end."

"To be honest," Dorcas began in a hushed tone. "I don't think he ever let himself love her, and she fell for him hard because she thought she'd be safe with him."

Lily sighed, "The irony in that is awful."

"Yeah it kind of is."

A small pit of silence consumed them as they looked at the cookies Lily was baking. Dorcas felt a little out of place; she had stayed with Lily for a month while her parents fought over her custody. But she didn't for a second feel guilty, because Lily and Mr. Evans always made it clear that she was perfectly welcome. Now she felt guilty that she hadn't once talked to Marlene about Remus. They dated for a year and had broken up last May, and Marlene hadn't volunteered a single shred of information other than that they were no longer seeing each other. Wanting to get away from the small amount of guilt rising inside of her, Dorcas thought of something else do.

"Come on," Dorcas nudged Lily. "I have an idea."

Ten minutes later Lily and Dorcas were dressed in an oversized flower shirt, a tie, and baggy dress pants. Dorcas then took out Lily's make up and literally started to draw on her face.

"So what is the point of this?"

"The point is, we are going to finish putting awful make up on each other, and then when the cookies are done, we will let them cool and then we will go get some ice cream like this."

Lily paused, as she shook with silent laughter. "So, we really are _supposed_ to look ridiculous."

Dorcas beamed as she fixed Lily's blue beard. "Exactly."

"Dora, you're off your rocker."

"Yes, I am. Yet you haven't stopped me, and are even going as far as to support my efforts. So I would say that you are worse!"

Once they were done, they took pictures of themselves and almost died of laughter. They looked like drunken clowns that were trying to be homeless bag ladies. After the cookies were done, they boldly left the Evans household. They received gawks and stares wherever they went, but Dorcas was completely unaffected. Lily, on the other hand, had to hold onto her for support whenever she caught her own reflection. It was simply too funny for her to act like it was how she looked everyday.

After getting ice cream, they sat at a near by playground that Lily used to come to with Severus. Usually she would get depressed when she visited this place as nostalgia would take over, but this time it was impossible to keep the laugh off her lips. Eventually, Dorcas broke when she saw a little kid's reaction to her face.

Dorcas simply snorted and said, "I think I might have made that boy pee his pants!"

* * *

Miles away, James Potter wasn't having as good of a time as Dorcas and Lily.

It had been a week since Sirius had permanently began to live at the Potter residence, and he rarely came out of his room. James tried everyday to get him to talk or even just come down for meals, but he wouldn't. He would make up excuses that he was tired or he didn't feel like it, when in reality he was just sitting in his room torturing himself over what his father had done to not only him, but also to Marlene.

"Dad," James knocked on his dad's study as he lingered in the doorway, "can I come in?"

"Of course," his father answered instantly ruffling his graying jet-black hair that was almost identical to his son's. "What would you like to discuss, James?"

James sat in the chair in front of this father's desk with a scowl. "It's Sirius…he's been locked up in his room for days, and I don't know what to do about it."

"Your mother has shared similar concerns," Harold Potter shrugged in understanding. "Have you tried to talk to him?"

He nodded and ruffled his hair exasperatedly.

"He just sits there…not saying anything like he's just waiting for me to stop talking." James breathed in frustration as he leaned forward in the chair.

Harold Potter eyed his one and only son somberly. His son had inherited his unearthly black hair, his height, his wiry build, his narrow face and his poor eyesight. Personality-wise, his son was a lot like him in his sense of loyalty and impulsiveness, but the rest of him was more like his mother. James had gotten her pale skin, hazel eyes, her genuine warm heart and her nature to over analyze and worry about everything. It was such an odd combination that seemed to work well in their son, but in moments like this he wished his son were less like his mother.

"Well, I hate to tell you this, but maybe giving him space is what he needs. When he's ready, I'm sure he'll come to you."

James let out a small noise of annoyance as he glared into his father's dark brown eyes. "That's all well and good, Dad, but what if that doesn't work?"

"Then you've done everything you can…you get too involved in other peoples problems, James—"

"He's my best friend!"

"I'm very well aware of that fact," Harold said calmly. "But the fact is, sometimes no matter how much we want to help, we can't. You have to wait for Sirius to make the first step."

Completely unsatisfied with his father's advice, James stood up. "Thanks, Dad, for the unwavering moral support, but I'm going to go another way."

"Jam—"

"No, Dad," James forced a smile, "it's cool. I've got an idea."

* * *

Twenty minutes later, an irritated Marlene arrived at the Potter household. Her blonde hair was up in a high ponytail and she still wore her violet work uniform from earlier today. Her face didn't have an ounce of make-up on it, making her look younger and clearly displaying how tired she was.

"So what is this huge emergency, James? I know Peter's party is here tomorrow and you _know_ I don't want to be here for that," she sighed, as she leaned against the kitchen wall. "So what is it?"

James eyed her. "How long did you work today?"

"10 hours. 8 to 6. Now are you going to answer my question?" Marlene said shortly as she rubbed her temples.

"Come with me."

Walking behind James, Marlene felt a rage building inside of her. She'd been working 10 hours everyday for the past four days. Her feet were killing her, her back was about to give, and James was taking her on a wild goose chase?

"James, just tell me what's going on."

James stopped in front of Sirius's door and turned to face Marlene. "He's been in there for a week, and he won't come out."

"How would I be any help with that? You have a whole list of people that he would rather see than me."

"Mar, you were the only one here when it happened," he lowered his voice. "Now I know you two aren't that close, but I don't want to tell anyone else about this. It's his thing to tell if he wants to, but you already know….and I have to do something to help him. Please, Mar, just talk to him."

Marlene looked at James and scowled as he pulled out his puppy-dog face. It worked instantly, and Marlene's bitter attitude faded as she conceded. "Fine, I'll talk to him, but don't count on anything. I might just piss him off."

He swiftly kissed her on the cheek. "You're the best, Mar!"

"Yeah yeah yeah…" She rolled her eyes dryly. "Now get out of here. I'll come see you before I leave."

"Thank you!" James rejoiced as he strutted back to his room.

"_The things I do for my friends…_" Marlene muttered darkly under her breath before knocking on Sirius's door.

"Prongs, I'm not hungry," a cold, hollow voice sounded on the other side of the door.

Marlene frowned and said, "It's not James."

She expected him to tell her to go away and she would have. Marlene would have told James she tried and gone home to a lovely bubble bath, but Sirius never did what she thought he would do. So she was quite taken aback when she heard him say she could come in.

The room was a complete and total mess. His clothes were all over the floor and he sat in the midst of the darkness, unshaven with a flask of what Marlene assumed wasn't pumpkin juice. Sighing, Marlene instantly started to straighten up his room. Knowing that she could use magic under the Potter's roof, Marlene got out her wand and went to work. She stacked his dirty clothes on one side of the room, cleaned them, and organized them into his dresser. She cleaned his bed sheets, dusted the room, and swept the crumbs of the snacks he'd been eating off the floor. When she was finished, the only thing dirty in the room was Sirius.

Letting out a low breath, she tightened her ponytail and sat down in front of him. "Sirius," she began quietly, her voice full of kindness, "when was the last time you showered?"

His black hair, which was always so sleek and elegant and grown greasy and wavy in his lack of upkeep. There were deep circles under his eyes and he looked like he hadn't slept properly in days. "Three days ago," he answered in a low tone.

Marlene grimaced and said, "I'm assuming that goes for brushing your teeth and every other hygienic thing right?"

"Probably," he offered without any effort.

"Okay, this isn't happening," she told him. "I'm going to help you up and get you into the shower. Now if you try to give me any of this '_leave-me-to-my-depression_' shit, I will just use my wand to toss you in there."

His face shifted into anger. "I can walk."

"Good, then let's go."

Gruffly, he rose to his feet and slipped off his shirt and pants before walking into the bathroom. "Now, do you need me to go in there with you, or are you going to wash yourself?" Marlene addressed him, like he was a two-year-old.

Scowling, he said, "I've got it from here."

"Don't forget to brush your teeth and shave!" she shouted as he shut the door in her face.

Marlene marched over to his dresser and grabbed a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. After peeling off her work shirt and pants she let herself air dry for a second before getting into his t-shirt and sweatpants. Then she put her clothes aside to bring with her whenever she left.

Sighing she fell onto his bed and closed her eyes. She only woke up when she heard Sirius walk out of the bathroom in just a towel. It was weird how quickly his demeanor had changed. Marlene couldn't remember a time when he didn't hit on her so consistently. It wasn't that she minded the change, but it was weird because other than him flirting with her, he had rarely spoken to her at all over the years.

"I see you've borrowed my clothes," Sirius muttered as he waltzed over to his freshly organized dresser.

Marlene nodded. "I'll give them back once I wash mine."

"What is that you were wearing anyway?" Sirius snorted, eyeing the unattractive smock with a small amount of amusement.

"Work clothes."

"You have a job?" Sirius seemed surprised.

"For three years now."

"What do you do?"

Sitting up, she snuggled into his comforter and said, "It depends, usually I work the register, but if we're understaffed I work back of house, which is just organizing the stock and merchandise. If I could I'd work back of house all day."

"Why is that?" he asked as he moved to pull on his boxers discreetly behind his towel.

"Because when I work up front I get harassed."

Sirius tossed his towel aside and looked at her thoughtfully. "Because you're hot?"

"Because I have boobs," she shrugged with an undertone of disgust. "It's fine, though. At least I don't have to work tomorrow."

"I never thought you'd have a job," he murmured as he sat down on the edge of his bed.

Her eyes narrowed. "Why?"

"Because I thought your parents had old pureblood money."

"No," her face darkened. "We did, but with six kids and medical bills, it adds up."

"You have five siblings?" he looked at her incredulously.

She snorted. "Lucky number six over here."

"I knew Molly, Mary, and Melanie were your sisters, but I didn't realize there were more," he admitted.

"It goes Rick, Mackenzie, Melanie, Mary, Molly, and me." Marlene left the blankets and sat down next to him. "But we aren't supposed to be talking about me; we are supposed to be talking about you."

"And what would you know about me?" He countered darkly. "Aren't you supposed to be avoiding this place because of Peter's party?"

Her lips thinned. "I already sent him his present, but I'm not coming to his party because I can't stand to be in the same room as Remus. I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable."

A wave of remorse hit Sirius as he looked at Marlene. It never occurred to him that she actually liked Peter. He just thought she just had made some excuse not to show up. "I thought you guys were friends," he said, his voice was soft and full of regret.

"He's friends with me," she frowned. "But don't tell him that's why I'm not coming."

Sirius turned to look at her as if she was crazy. "Don't you think he'll figure it out?"

"No. He thinks we're friends and I don't want to hurt him. I'll get over this eventually…. Besides, Remus is always blind where I'm concerned," Marlene paused and gave him a stern look. "But you need to stop trying to distract me. You can't bottle your anger in, Sirius."

"I know I can't," he sighed sadly.

Marlene put a hand on his bare shoulder making him look at her. "Whatever your parents have said or done to you, none of it is right."

"I know," he brushed her off noncommittally.

"No," she told him firmly. "_You don't_.

Marlene scooted closer and turned his body to face hers. Her blue eyes were unwavering on his grey ones. "You don't deserve it,_ any of it_. It's not your fault."

He tried to roll his eyes, but she moved closer and cupped his face so he was unable to. "It's not your fault."

His eyes filled with unwilling tears and he tried feebly to move away from her, but he couldn't.

She repeated in the same sincere fierce tone, "It's _not_ _your_ _fault_."

Sirius tried to fight it. He tried to stay strong and pretend that he'd just spent this whole time angry. It killed him to know that even a single part of him cared about what his parents thought of him, but he did. The childish part of him that still had a false lingering hope that one day he might wake up and they might not hate him was in agony. But after a few seconds with Marlene, he felt tears spill down his cheeks. She crawled into his lap and pulled him into a tight hug.

He didn't want to give into it, but she had caught him completely by surprise. Lately, he noticed she had a habit of doing that. Sirius would have never expected her to show up, and he never even imagined that she would be the one comforting him, especially since she was so carelessly was straddling his half naked body to do so.

Sirius inhaled the scent of her shampoo as her slender hands rubbed his back reassuringly. His emotions slowed as his arms rested on the small of her back.

"You okay?" she asked as she pulled away.

Slightly startled by her proximity, he took in her bright blonde hair, even brighter blue eyes and earnest face. How had he never noticed how beautiful she was? Gulping down his vulnerability, he felt his swagger come back as their position looked incredibly suspicious. "Yes…. Oh, McKinnon?"

"What?" she asked aloud in confusion.

"I knew you couldn't resist me," he snickered, earning a smack to the arm from her.

Marlene slid off of him with a slightly bemused smile. "You're an idiot, but I'm glad you're back."

"Are you going to stay, or was _this_ too much for you?" he teased, placing his muscular arms behind his neck.

"How did you know?" Marlene put a hand over her heart mockingly. She let out a small laugh. "I'll see you in a month. Please eat and shower in the meantime, okay?"

Sirius nodded.

Marlene grabbed her clothes and was about to leave when she scrunched up her face. She seemed to be thinking of something for a moment before she walked over to Sirius and brought him into a warm hug.

"And please," she asked quietly, "talk to James. It hurts him to see you like this."

"I will," he promised.

Marlene released him with a melodramatic sigh. She tightened her ponytail, moved for the door, and took a bow. "My work here is done!"


	4. Man Up

_Anyone can see that I've been running away_  
_Not facing the day that's here_  
_It's time to man up_

**-The Eels-**

* * *

Lily pouted, looking remarkably like a five-year-old as she stood in her own doorway.

"I wish you didn't have to go."

Dorcas smiled at Lily.

"I promised Pete I'd show up, and since Marlene isn't going anywhere near it I have to."

"Still, you know you don't have to go home afterwards. My dad said it was cool if you wanted to stay the rest of the summer."

"I appreciate that," Dorcas told her, "I really do, but I shouldn't punish my dad for my mum being mad. But thanks for having me; I would have had a bloody boring summer if I had stayed home."

Lily hesitated before running over and throwing her arms around Dorcas. Dorcas's smile grew, her brown eyes warm as she held the tiny ginger girl. Her heart sank a bit at the thought of leaving Lily with her awful sister, but she had to go. She couldn't avoid her problems any longer, and it was time for her to finally face them head on. After tightening her grip on Lily for a minute, Dorcas pulled away and threw her bag over her shoulder.

"I'll see you in a month, Lils. Give Petunia hell for me."

Lily nodded as she walked with Dorcas to the door. "I will… How are you getting there, anyhow?"

"I think Mr. Potter is picking me up."

A weird unfamiliar feeling bubbled up in Lily's stomach as they opened the front door. Maybe it was the dream she had the night before, but the thought of meeting James Potter's father unnerved her a bit. She had never seen any member of his family and couldn't help but wonder what they would be like.

Then Dorcas walked to the door to find Mr. Potter waiting on the sidewalk, looking rather amusedly at Lily's neighbor who was mindlessly cutting his grass. At first Lily was struck by his resemblance to his son. He had the same smirk, which seemed to be indented into his face naturally, like he always had something to be proud about. And of course the same wild black hair, except his was severely graying. Dorcas walked over to the man and shook his hand politely. It wasn't forced, but Lily imagined that if it were Marlene, she would have hugged him.

"Mr. Potter, I'd like you to meet Lily Evans."

His brown eyes lit up at the mention of her name just like his son's did, but for him it was out of recognition instead of enthusiastic interest. Harold Potter took a few steps forward and put his hand out to shake hers.

"So you are the girl my son constantly talks about."

"I'm sure he has exaggerated…_a lot,_" she said, blushing a deep scarlet as she shook his hand.

"No, he was perfectly right. You are stunning. I'm glad my son hasn't fallen for someone of less than decent taste. It was nice to meet you," he said as he turned towards Dorcas. "Are you ready?"

She nodded, her curls bouncing.

"Yes, Mr. Potter. Bye Lily!"

They disapparated with a loud _crack_. Standing in her driveway, he looked over and saw her neighbor cutting his grass while whistling a tune aloud. She wondered how he hadn't seen Mr. Potter apparate, but then again, maybe he used magic to sure no one would be able to see it.

Lily waved, though she was blind-sided by confusion. She didn't know what she was expecting, but as she saw Mr. Potter leave with Dorcas, she knew that Mr. Potter wasn't at all what she thought he'd be. He was straightforward like James, but there were less theatrics about it. Mr. Potter seemed to say what he needed to say and leave it at that. Not only was she caught off guard by how matter-of-factly he had referred to her as stunning, but also that he honestly looked like he believed that his son truly fancied her.

For a long time, Lily had thought that James was merely chasing her for sport. Putting aside all his repugnant flaws for a moment, she was forced to consider that he might truly have feelings for her, no matter how one-sided they were. After all she couldn't imagine telling her own father about somebody unless she truly had feelings for him. Maybe she didn't know James Potter's intentions as well as she thought she did. He was still a git, and a foul one at that. This new development didn't change that fact; it just made it more complicated.

Shaking her head, Lily put her frizzy red hair up in a ponytail and went back into her house before she got sunburned again. She went up to her room and tried to mentally select what new book she'd read to pass the day. But as she walked up the stairs she had a hard time forgetting the look in James's father's eyes when he'd spoken to her. It was so sure, so unwavering, that it was making Lily second guess things she flat out refused to second-guess. If Lily was one thing, it was stubborn, and by the time she had made it up to the second floor landing, all doubt was replaced by unshakeable faith in her own perception of things. Mr. Potter wanted to see the best in his son. He couldn't possibly know that his son was a bully and a cad. Lily knew James Potter, of that fact she was absolutely sure.

And it was that fact that she had completely wrong.

* * *

Dorcas arrived a football field length away from the Potter's residence and stumbled slightly as she landed on her three-inch heels. Mr. Potter laughed.

"Sorry about the walk, no one can apparate any closer to the house."

Dorcas laughed at him quizzically.

"Why is that?"

"Safety measures. Anyone that isn't a Potter can't get into the house unless they are let in."

"Huh," she then quizzically. "I'm Muggleborn, so I didn't know you could do that."

Mr. Potter looked at her in surprise.

"I thought James would have told you."

"I haven't ever been invited over…I'm more Peter's friend, than friends with the rest of them," she admitted sheepishly.

"Why is that?" Mr. Potter asked bluntly.

Dorcas shrugged as she pulled her bag farther over her shoulder.

"I dunno. James is always acting like an dolt over Lily, so he's a bit hard to tolerate sometimes. Remus is Marlene's ex, so I have to avoid him out of a friendship obligation. And Sirius is just an idiot."

Mr. Potter let out a loud laugh that sounded much like his son's.

"Well at least you have your reasons."

"Don't get me wrong. I like James, and I think he would be good with Lily, but it's exhausting to be around."

"My son does seem to have endless energy."

"He really does," Dorcas smiled in agreement.

When Dorcas walked in, her brown eyebrows lifted as she appraised the situation. That situation being Peter on Sirius's back while James was on Remus's as they fought with fake swords. For a split second, Dorcas and Mr. Potter turned and shared the same bemused, slightly bewildered expression, before going their separate ways. Dorcas waltzed over to the boys and took off her heels, preferring to be barefoot for today.

Sirius's shiny black hair was in his face, as his expression was alive with laughter and his eyes were sparked with his natural competitive edge. Remus held onto James tightly as he attempted to chuck him at Peter. James's long arms were quick and merciless as he tried to disarm Peter, who was lasting a surprisingly long time. Dorcas was pleasantly surprised that Peter was having the most fun of all.

"WOAH, WOAH, WOAH!" Dorcas interrupted them diplomatically as she moved to stand in between the boys. "What are the stakes of this fight?"

The marauders paused in their pursuit of each other and all collectively stared at Dorcas in wonderment.

"What do you mean?"

"If you're going to fight," she reasoned, "you should fight for _something_."

Peter and Sirius frowned, but Remus and James understood perfectly. James raised his sword, "I FIGHT FOR HONOR!"

Remus grabbed the sword out of Peter's hand and proclaimed, "WE FIGHT FOR TRUTH!"

"Alright boys, now on guard!"

The boys charged at each other, yelling and screaming. On the bottom Remus and Sirius kicked each other as their partners swords clanged loudly in the living room. Dorcas stood back, shouting tips to both teams as the boys fought.

They were making so much noise they didn't see or hear James's mother come downstairs. Her arms were crossed in absolute outrage at her sons; she took out her wand and knocked all four boys to the ground. The small, but powerful woman crackled with rage.

"James Harold Potter," she began in a sinisterly quiet tone that made Dorcas step back. "Where did you get these swords?"

James eyed his mother with a nervous, weary smile.

"…Granddad's cabinet."

"And did you ask either your father or I if you and your friends could borrow them?"

"No," he cringed.

Sirius said, "Mum—"

But he was silenced with a single look from Mrs. Potter.

"I expected you two to know better," she said to Sirius and James. "That sword has been in your family for centuries and you want to play with them like they are dispensable?"

A silence followed as the Marauder's looked incredibly guilty and remorseful. Dorcas found it funny; Professor McGonagall had been trying for years to keep the boys in check, and in one fail swoop Mrs. Potter had accomplished it. Sure, it wouldn't last, but it was interesting how deeply not only James regarded his mother, but how much his friends did, too.

Mrs. Potter put a hand to her hair to flatten any stray hairs. "Now, Sirius, you and James will go put back those swords. Remus, would you go to the kitchen and please retrieve Peter's cake?"

Remus nodded dutifully and the three boys took off.

As soon as they left Mrs. Potter smiled and put a kind arm around a jumpy Peter. "Don't worry dear, no one is in any trouble. Those swords aren't even ours. We found them at a rummage sale."

Dorcas laughed.

"Nice."

"You must be Dorcas." Mrs. Potter gave Peter a reassuring squeeze and then held her hand out to Dorcas. "I'm Eleanor Potter. My sons often need their wild imaginations and magnetism to trouble checked now and again."

"I couldn't agree more."

Once Mrs. Potter walked over into the kitchen Dorcas wrapped her arm around Peter's thick shoulders.

"Relax Pete, she was just kidding around."

"I know," he let out a laugh of relief. "But when she's angry…she's scary."

"I can see that…but then again, she's right. Can you imagine having the responsibility of raising them?" Dorcas pointed at James and Sirius who were laughing carelessly as they descended the stairs.

"True."

"I can actually imagine that quite well," Remus remarked as he brought over Peter's presents and cake.

Dorcas snorted, "Oh please Lupin. You like to play the white knight, but we all know you're as bad as the rest of them."

Remus put a hand to his chest in mock offense.

"Me? How you insult me, Meadowes."

Everyone crowded around the couch as Peter opened his presents. At one point, James and Sirius held him down as Remus and Dorcas shoved three birthday hats on his head. He tried to act put out by the whole process, but even Peter couldn't hide the delight in his eyes at all the presents and fun he was having.

After he opened everything, they pushed his presents aside and played a roaring game of Exploding Snap. They played five rounds, five vicious competitive life-threatening round. Peter lost every game; James singed his eyebrows…twice; Dorcas won a single solitary game, before losing every other; and Remus and Sirius both managed to win two games each.

Of course since they were the biggest winners. Remus and Sirius went back and forth on who was the best as James cleaned up the mess they had made.

"Moony, can I be frank?" Sirius began as if he were a world leader.

Remus gestured for him to speak.

"I think I'm the ultimate Exploding Snap champion."

"I see, and why do you believe this?"

Sirius pointed at the cards arrogantly.

"I just won."

"Yes, but you won the exact amount times as I," Remus countered.

"But that doesn't matter," Sirius stated simply waving away this fact.

Remus grinned.

"Oh? And why not?"

"Because look at me. I'm beautiful, therefore I naturally supersede anything you do."

"Are you saying I'm not beautiful, Padfoot?" Remus began. "Because I don't think you are the right person to judge."

"OY! PRONGS!" Sirius shouted to James. "Whose prettier: Moony or Me? And don't hesitate to hurt his feelings; he could use a little dose of honesty. I think his win is getting to his head…"

"So you _do_ admit I won!" Remus shouted, pointing at Sirius in victory.

Sirius ignored him, still looking at James.

"Prongsie, I'm going to need an answer or Remus and I will never speak again, I'm afraid."

"Fat chance," James laughed. "You two fight everyday, and yet the next morning you are as thick as dirty thieves."

"Now why did you have to add the word 'dirty' in there, Prongs?" Sirius asked. "Are you, perhaps, _jealous_ of my love for Moony?"

"I think he is," Remus declared with a wide smile.

James tilted his head to eye Remus.

"Really, Moony? Really?"

Remus shook with laughter, as he covered his face with his hand.

On the other side of James and Sirius, Peter frowned as he talked quietly to Dorcas.

"I mean—I fancy her and all, but how am I supposed to get a girl like that?"

"Pete," she began in a sad tone, but he raised his hand to cut her off.

He said, "No honestly. I would like some useful advice. Don't just…appease me."

"Okay, here's a piece of advice Peter, from me to you," Dorcas started as she draped her fair arm around him. "Girls love guys who are confident. Take Alexander Nott, for example; he is the ugliest fucker I've ever seen, and I mean that sincerely." She said closing her eyes meaningfully, like she was trying to eradicate him from the earth.

"But he has bitches galore, and let me tell you why: it's because he's confident. Birds love confidence. So even if you don't have it, you have to flaunt it."

Sirius was shaking with laughter at this comment as he looked at Dorcas.

Dorcas saw him and shot him a look.

"Try and tell me I'm wrong, Sirius. You know you wouldn't get half as much tail if they liked you just on your looks."

Peter shook silently with laughter at that. He rarely ever heard a female take Sirius down and he enjoyed it immensely.

"But I'm being honest Peter," Dorcas focused back on him. "You're a nice bloke, and decent looking, but that isn't enough to get a girl. Take your mate Lupin for instance. He isn't bad looking, he's nice, but he's only dated my best friend," she stated, as if Remus wasn't in the room…or alive, really. "Now I don't know why they broke up, but I _do_ know that if _she_ hadn't asked him out, they wouldn't have gone out at all. And then he never would have dated anybody."

Remus stiffened visibly; James noticed and said, "Dorcas, leave it."

"I'm sorry," Dorcas said unapologetically, moving away from Peter and rising to stand, "but I'm not going to lie. She can tell you she's friends with you till she's blue in the face, but we all know why she isn't here right now, and I'm not going to sit here and act like it has anything to do with Peter."

Remus's face darkened, as his eyes constricted in concern.

"She didn't come…because of me?"

James took a step forward and gave her a dirty look.

"Dorcas—"

"I'm sorry, James, but I'm not going to lie to him," Dorcas told him as she grabbed her cloak. "She still loves you, so she doesn't want to hurt you; but every time she sees you, every time she's forced to be _around_ you, it hurts her. And not because you're a horrible person, but because you lied to her for over a year and didn't trust her enough to tell her the truth, when you literally go around parading the truth in front of her."

Sirius paled as he rose to face her.

"What do you mean?"

"_'Moony._' Do you think no one knows?" she scoffed, looking at the four of them. "The Marauders…Do you really think no one put you four together? I've known you were a werewolf since third year, and I bet Marlene's known for longer. And you know what's messed up about that?" Her brown eyes locked on Remus's. "Even though you gave her lie after lie, she never gave you up. I point blank asked her once if you were a werewolf, and she told me no. I'm her best friend, the one person she trusts most…and she lied to me to protect you."

Dorcas shook her head, her disappointment clear in her eyes.

"I know you mean well, Remus, and I know you thought you were protecting her by keeping her away, but you actually broke her heart. She honestly thought she wasn't good enough for you to trust, and _still_ she doesn't say a word against you…it's excruciating to watch."

Stooping to hug Peter goodbye, she sighed, "I'm sorry I brought the party down, Peter. I hope you have a wonderful sixteenth birthday…Black, always a pleasure; Potter…I'll see myself out."

Then without another word, Dorcas slipped back into her heels and left.

* * *

James clamped his hand on Remus's shoulder supportively.

"Ignore Dorcas, she was just—"

"Being honest," Sirius interjected calmly as he sat down next to Remus. "Meadowes may be a lot of things, but she isn't a liar, and she's protective of McKinnon. And I think she's right mate. You should apologize."

Peter let out a noise of surprise.

"Look at you being all mature."

"Well," Sirius shrugged, "I talked to her yesterday, and Dorcas is right. She's hurt, and she didn't want you to feel bad, so she stayed away…so, new plan." He leaned forward, rubbing his hands together. "Wormy, Prongs and I are going to make a schedule of what we are going to do tonight, which will probably involve an illegal bottle of firewhiskey, and end in the four of us getting rip roaring drunk…. Moony, you go over to the McKinnon household and talk to Marlene. Once you get back, Wormy can chose what he wants to do and we can go back to having a good time."

Peter furrowed his eyebrows, "Is this backwards day? Since when do you take lead? And since when are you sensible? And since when is _Moony_ the one that is wrong?"

"Apparently today, Wormy," James shrugged, just as lost as Peter.

"How could she have known that whole time?" Remus asked to no one in particular. "Why would she want to be with me after knowing that?"

Peter said, "Well, we did didn't we?"

Remus's face became sullen, his eyes downcast as guilt spread across his chest.

"I didn't think…"

"We know, mate," Sirius reassured him. "But it's not us you need to talk to. Go, we will be here when you get back."

Remus eyed his friends apprehensively and nodded. He went to the Potter's fireplace, and after a lot of consideration and worry, he flooed to her house.

Letting out a sigh of relief Sirius grinned and put his arm around a much shorter Peter.

"Now, Peter…"

"Yes, Padfoot?" Peter let out a small laugh.

"Would you say you wanted to get marginally trashed so you could remember the night, _but_ have a hangover… OR, and this is the option I'm really leaning towards Wormy…" Sirius began in what James liked to call his, 'stage whisper,' where he would hush his voice but not his volume. "We could get belligerently trashed, to the point where we black out and only wake up with flashes of memories from the night before."

Peter looked up at Sirius trying to gauge whether he was kidding or not, but he couldn't tell.

"Uhhh…"

"When in doubt Wormy," James snickered as he walked up, "remember that either way, you're going to hurl."

"Great spin on it, Prongs." Sirius smirked approvingly as they all moved into the kitchen.

"Do I have to spend my birthday with my head in a toilet?" Peter whined as Sirius released him.

"You wouldn't be a man if you didn't," Sirius told him confidently as he leaned on the kitchen counter next to James.

Peter smiled as he looked as his two best mates. He often thought he was lucky to have found such great friends. He'd been cheekier when they first met him, but no one believed it when they met him now. Something about losing his father after his first year had changed him; it made him jumpy and cautious in a way he hadn't been a year before hand. His old self still popped occasionally, but it frustrated Sirius the most that it stayed hidden for the majority of the time. He didn't understand what Peter was so scared of all the time. But today, Sirius was glad to see the old Peter was back and up for games.

As soon as Remus landed in Marlene's fireplace, he realized how horribly rude it was to just show up unannounced in her house, but obviously by that point it was too late. There was no one in the living room, but he heard shouting and laughter coming from the backyard.

Stepping towards the window, he looked outside and saw two of Marlene's sister's chasing each other in the backyard. They were twins a year ahead of Remus, both blond like Marlene, and in Ravenclaw. He remembered their names were Molly and Mary. Just as he was about to go ask them where Marlene was, he caught her walking down the stairs.

During the whole time he dated Marlen,e he never really took her seriously. It wasn't that she wasn't smart enough, or important enough. It had to do with the fact that he couldn't believe anyone would truly want to be with him. As he watched her walk down the stairs, in her baggy shirt, small shorts, with her bright hair falling in her worn exhausted face, he felt a wave of guilt stronger than one he'd ever felt before. How could he have let himself believe that she was actually okay? That he couldn't have possibly hurt her? Because that meant she cared, something he had refused to believe.

"Mel! Make sure mum drinks that whole potion! Don't make me come up there—" Marlene yelled up the stairs as she carried a basket of wash, but stopped when she saw Remus standing there.

Her big blue eyes that were so tired a moment early suddenly flashed annoyance before she sighed.

"Let me guess, Dorcas said something," she offered as she put the basket down on the bottom of the stairs.

Remus moved into the foyer and stood against the doorframe.

"Yes."

"Well I'm sorry, I just didn't want to make things awkward." Looking at him, she cringed. "And now I've made it worse."

"I would ask why you didn't just say something, but…" Remus scratched his forehead. "It's my fault. I pushed you away…. Honestly, I never really let you in, in the first place. I just…" He hesitated and then he forced himself to grow some courage and look her in the eye. "I thought if you knew…what I am…" His voice grew quiet. "I thought you wouldn't want anything to do with me."

Marlene crossed her arms and sighed.

"That's because you're an idiot."

"I know…I know that now."

Moving forward, she put her arms around him and gently hugged him. His cologne was familiar to her, but it no longer affected her like it had. She didn't want to hate him anymore, and as soon as she embraced him it began to fade.

"We just weren't meant to be together," Marlene sighed. "Love is worth fighting for; but you both have to be up for the fight, and you weren't."

Remus grimaced as his arms linked loosely at her waist as her blond hair brushed his face.

"I'm sorry, Mar."

"I'm not." She released him with a sad smile. "I think it needed to happen. It sucks, and it hurts, but we'll both take something out of this."

"Still…" He looked down at her. "I shouldn't have been such a prick about it."

"I think," she began more confidently than she felt, "that we don't get what we want… We get what we _need_. You wanted me, but you didn't need me. So now you have to learn that there is someone somewhere out there that you need. Someone you will trust with this secret, but clearly it's not me…I do appreciate you apologizing though. I feel a little better."

His amber eyes met her blue eyes and he forced a small smile.

"Good… and I'm sure there's someone better out there for you."

"I don't know about 'better,'" she teased with a crooked smile, "but maybe better suited for me."

"I'm going to be a better friend than I was a boyfriend," he promised as he pulled her into another hug.

This time Marlene laughed, the sound making the both smile.

"Now go on get back to Peter's party before James and Sirius corrupt Peter beyond repair."

"I think they've already done that."

"Still, I think you could use some fun for a change." Then her face became still. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course," he answered, taking a step back.

Marlene crossed her arms over her chest.

"Was it your instincts or your insecurities that stopped you from telling me?"

"I always knew I could trust you..." he admitted sheepishly.

"Well then, I suggest next time you trust your instincts. So far they've gotten you some pretty great friends, and clearly the boys have shown you that not everybody is going to turn against you." Marlene assured him, smiling at him and putting a hand on his shoulder. "Okay?"

His eyes watered slightly as he swept her up in one last hug.

"You're the best, Mar."

"I know," she laughed. "Now go. The last thing I need is to see any more Marauders. I think I've had my fill for the summer."

Kissing her on the cheek goodbye, Remus went to her fireplace.

"See you at school."

"See you."

* * *

When Remus's arrived back at the Potter estate, he was surprised to find it perfectly quiet. His suspicions rose until he found a note in James's handwriting.

_Moony,_

_Get your boney arse out here. We're in the woods._

_Prongs._

A wide grin fitted across Remus's face as a weight was lifted of his chest. He dropped the note and walked through the house to the path to the woods, knowing the way all too well.


	5. Gotta Figure This Out

_I separated my heart from my head _  
_To feel out what's inside I don't like what I see, so I say good night_

**-Sara Bareilles-**

* * *

"This month has flown by," James acknowledged as he and Sirius walked up to the Hogwarts Express.

Sirius looked at James with an amused smirk.

"Always observant, Prongs."

"Oh sod off, Padfoot," James scowled, elbowing Sirius in the gut.

Sirius snickered to himself as James walker further ahead.

Although his best friend was keen on busting his balls, James was focusing on the positives. He wasn't going to set himself for failure this year. This year, he wasn't going to make a fool out of himself; he was truly going to get it together. He was going to win the Quidditch cup, he was going to improve his potions marks enough to be top student, and he was going to make his parents proud of him… But most of all, he was going to get Lily Evans to stop hating him.

His spirits were high and well as he strutted through the platform. He greeted students he remembered and looked for people he knew well. At first he tried to tell himself that he was looking for Marlene, Remus, or even Dorcas, but after a while he couldn't even lie to himself. He wasn't looking for Marlene's tall blonde self, Dorcas's bouncy brown hair, or Remus's tall, scarred form. He was looking for red hair that shined so bright in the sun, he could have sworn it was on fire.

"James," a familiar voice sighed grabbing his arm, "I thought you actually listened to me, but I can see by that faraway look in your eyes that it's not true."

"You know me, Marls," James beamed, pulling her into a hug.

"That's true," she grinned, her blonde hair falling into her face. "You looking into any recruits yet?"

He laughed, "Marls, we aren't even on the train yet."

"James…"

"_Okay_…" he wrapped an arm around her, "We need to fill three positions, one beater, two chasers. So Sirius, Rick, you and I will be looking at-"

Dorcas interjected a loud scoff; her eyes squinted in disgust behind her thick sunglasses. "Please tell me, you two aren't going to be talking about Quidditch the whole train ride. Because if you are, I will go sit with the brainiacs."

"You know you couldn't stand to sit and listen to Mary, Alice and Lily go on and on about N.E.W.T. requirements," Marlene snorted wisely as she and James looked down at Dorcas.

"Yeah, Dorky," James smirked, "you know you can't stay away from a small compartment full of attractive men."

Dorcas popped a hand on her curvy hip giving James a dirty look. "Brainiacs, it is."

Sirius, Remus and Peter walked up to them laughing hysterically, Sirius laughing the hardest.

"—can't believe that!" Sirius cried, holding his sides as if they were about to split.

"What?" Dorcas asked them, and then narrowed her eyes at Sirius. "What did you do?"

Remus spoke first, "Snape fell, and… and knocked all off his things over."

"And revealed a rather unhygienic looking pair of trainers," Sirius commented with a wild laugh.

"Please tell me you guys didn't push him," Marlene groaned. "You know I know he was a royal dick to Lily, but the way you guys go out of your way to kick him is really–"

"Completely and totally inappropriate," Lily finished as she moved to stand in between Dorcas and Marlene. Her voice was light, but all of them could feel the violent disapproval in her tone.

An awkward silence took over as the boys' laughs died, and everyone suddenly became very uncomfortable.

"Are you sitting with us or them, Mar?" Lily asked quietly.

Marlene frowned, "I'll start off with the boys and then see you guys later."

"Alright," Lily then linked arms with Dorcas, shot James a nasty look, and stalked off.

Marlene grimaced, and looked at Remus, James, Sirius and Peter.

"You guys really are killing me."

* * *

Lily stormed into their typical compartment. Mary and Alice were already inside reading side by side. Alice had chocolate brown hair that cupped and accented her adorable heart shaped face and small little nose. Mary, on the other hand, had very tan skin, extremely dark hair, and piercing blue eyes. But Lily didn't take the time to acknowledge her friends; she was too infuriated by what just happened.

She had always thought the Marauders were mean and senseless pricks, but she had hoped that after last year they would at least put their energy elsewhere. But they were the same bullies they were four months ago, still picking on people just because they could so they could boost themselves up higher than they already were. What was wrong with them? Sure, she hated Severus, and she didn't want to talk to him ever again, but she didn't want him to be hurt or humiliated.

"They are just the biggest group of arses I've ever seen!" she screamed furiously.

Alice didn't even look up from her book, but Mary did with a knowing look.

"Let me guess, Potter, Lupin, Black, and Pettigrew, right?"

Dorcas nodded at Mary rolling her eyes in disdain.

"You're a smart cookie there, Mary."

Mary shook her head with a small smile as she looked back at her book.

"I do what I can."

Alice said, "Lily why don't you sit down and relax, honey?"

"I just…I don't get it! How can girls flock at their feet? They are the biggest group of idiots!"

Dorcas moved out Lily's angry zone and sat down next to Alice. Automatically Alice pulled her into a warm motherly hug.

"How are you?"

Alice smiled and put down her book, "Good. I miss Frank like crazy. We spent the whole summer tied at the hip, but he's really excited about the Auror program. I'm looking forward to Charms club; I'm president this year," she admitted softly.

"Well you earned it, you know."

"Enough about me. How have you been?"

Dorcas's gave her a small frown. "Okay…you know."

"I heard about your parent's. Whom are you staying with?"

"Volleying between my mum's and my grandma's," she whispered.

Alice squeezed her hand reassuringly, her blue eyes full of warmth and concern. "Well if you ever need to a couch to crash, mine's always open."

"Thanks, Alice."

"But he's a complete moron!" Lily yelled to the room, continuing her rant though she had completely lost her audience.

Mary, however, had reached her limit. "Lily, _enough_."

"James wasn't even involved, Lil," Dorcas backed Mary.

"He's their leader; _of course_ he was," Lily huffed, sitting down next to Mary.

"They aren't a cult, Lily. Remus, Peter, and Sirius are perfectly capable of making their own decisions," Alice reasoned, giving her a small smile.

Lily crossed her arms and scowled.

"Whatever."

Dorcas leaned forward and addressed Mary.

"What's new?"

"Economy's failing, the ministry is in shambles…they raised the price on Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans," she mused.

"So everything's on an upswing?" Alice snickered.

Mary snorted and went back to reading _Arthimancy for the Ages_.

"I suppose you could say that."

* * *

A few compartments over, James was sulking in the corner while Marlene, Sirius, Peter and Remus played Exploding Snap on the floor. As the room filled with cries of laughter and groans of disappointment. James starred out the window as the beautiful countryside passed by.

He hated that she had this power over him. James told himself time and time again that if she could just see what a good person he was, then maybe just maybe he would have a chance. But today he didn't even _do_ anything, and still she glared at him as if he had. That glower had cut through any optimism and hope he might have had. Why did she hate him so much? What was wrong with him? Did he just not see himself clearly? Was she right? Was he really that horrible of a person?

Surrounded by his friends, he couldn't help but hope there was at least one thing redeemable about him. There had to be something his friends saw in him that Lily would find admirable. He never doubted himself when she wasn't around. Without Lily he was confident, sure of himself, and unstoppable force, but one look from her and he was torn apart. At first, Sirius thought it was because she had turned him down, but it wasn't. He had always loved Lily. James loved the way she put all of her drive into the things she cared about. He loved the way she went out of her way to help other people. But most of all, he loved her laugh; it was so gentle and high-pitched that it always brought a smile to his face. It hurt him that such a kind woman was so personally offended by everything he did.

Marlene got up to go sit with Lily and Sirius and Peter went off to find some snacks, leaving Remus alone with James.

"What's on your mind, Prongs?" Remus asked softly, his amber eyes flickering with interest.

"I think…" James let out a short heavy sigh, "I think I'm going to stay away from Lily for a bit."

Remus rolled his eyes with wry smirk.

"Yeah, I've heard that before. 'I'll never say another word to her again, Moony,' and less than a week later you're back at it."

"No, honestly. I think I'm going to pull back."

Remus's brows furrowed in surprise.

"Why the sudden change?"

"I think I've just finally realized…she really hates me, Moony," James said in a dejected tone, his eyes laced with pain. "No matter what I do, no matter what I say, she sees me lower than Snivellus."

Remus opened his mouth to say something. It was going to be something supportive like, 'Don't worry about it,' or, 'she'll come around,' but James was too serious for Remus to just brush him off. For a minute Remus didn't know quite what to say. Sirius was the best to advice when it came to girls, not him. His relationship with Marlene made that perfectly clear, but Sirius wasn't here, he was, and he had to say something.

"Why don't you try dating someone else?"

"Like who?" James scoffed, as if there was no other woman in the world.

Remus shrugged, "I don't know. You're the one who is going to have to snog her. I'm just saying maybe if you step back and see what else is out there. It will help."

"That's exactly what Marlene said I should do," James said, leaning over onto his thighs.

"Well I'm not surprised. She's very smart."

James eyed Remus suspiciously.

"You never did say what happened between you two when you went over her house."

"We didn't get back together or anything like that. We just…" Remus paused looking for the right words, "We just got some closure. I think we'll be okay now."

"Good…I was worried about her," James admitted, running a hand through his hair. "She's the most open person I know. If I ask her something she'll always tell me the truth, but when I asked how she was doing she didn't want to tell me."

Remus frowned.

"I didn't mean to hurt her."

"I know you didn't, and she knows that, too," James looked Remus dead in the eye. "But you have this weird notion that, because of what you go through every month, no one cares about you."

"No—"

"I don't mean _us_," James waved him off. "I mean anyone that isn't a Marauder, and that's not true. If someone cares about you, you have the power to hurt them."

Remus was caught off guard by this statement. He knew his best friend was smart. You didn't get the best grades in the class by being dumb, but he had these moments where he would see the world with such clarity and say something that addressed that. It didn't happen that much around Sirius or Peter, but every once in awhile when James wasn't running around causing mischief, Remus saw real intelligence in James.

Mr. Potter had always gone out of his way to make sure James was the most well-read, well-cultured kid of his age. He'd taken his son all around the world and forced him to read millions of books since he was young. Somehow in the process James, must have actually picked something up from it.

"I never thought about it that way," Remus whispered thoughtfully.

"Well that's because you assume that no one cares about you. So if they don't care about you, then they won't mind if you aren't around. And that's bullocks."

Remus leaned back and sighed.

"You don't think Marlene secretly hates me, do you? That she's putting on that she likes me so I won't feel bad?"

"It's possible, but the only way to know for sure is to talk to her and repent."

"I have!" Remus said defensively.

James rolled his eyes.

"Don't you know anything about women Moony? They need to hear that you're sorry, but they also need to see it."

"How would you know?"

"Have you met my mother?" James laughed, his somber expression fading.

Remus smiled as well.

"I suppose you're right."

"It happens more often than you'd care to admit, Moony," James winked before rising to his feet.

"Where are you going?"

James leaned against the doorway haughtily, "How am I supposed to snatch a bird up for this year if I don't have list of potential girls?"

"You make it sound like Quidditch," Remus snorted.

"Everything is like Quidditch," James scoffed back before sauntering away.

* * *

The opposite way down the hall, Marlene was moving towards Lily's compartment when a tall, disgusting, seventh year Slytherin stepped in front of her. Still in her muggle jeans and baggy Quidditch practice jersey, Marlene crossed her arms and glowered at the vulgar excuse for a human being.

"What do you want, Avery?"

He leaned forward suggestively, licking his lips.

"Well I see you have certainly filled out there, McKinnon."

"Well spotted," she scowled. "Now move, you're taking up my breathing space."

Taking another step forward, he sneered, "I can do more than that if you'd like."

"I wouldn't touch you if you were the last male on the planet," Marlene said in a scathing voice, "you pretentious little fuck."

Dorcas let out a delighted laugh, and popped her head out of the nearby compartment. Rarely did Marlene ever lose her temper, but Dorcas loved it when she did.

"Is he bothering you, Mar?"

"Yes," she spat, glowering at Avery, "but he's leaving now."

Avery sneered, "You'll give in eventually."

"Why don't you hold your breath for me until then, yeah?" she snapped lethally.

The Slytherin muttered a few obscenities as he turned and strutted away.

Marlene let out a relieved sigh and gave an exasperated look at Dorcas.

"What is wrong with men? You have boobs, so they assume that means you want them to talk to you like you're a piece of meat?"

"Exactly what they think," Dorcas shrugged.

"Well… _fuck that_."

"I dare you to go streak down the corridor," Dorcas whispered suddenly, her dark eyes alight with excitement.

Marlene looked at her as if she'd gone mad. There was no way Marlene McKinnon would ever do such a thing. She could catch a snitch in less than fifteen seconds, she was classically trained to be able to dance, sing and reach the top drawer of the pantry. But one thing she wasn't was a streaker. Dorcas always paraded around the lake in her bikini, but Marlene preferred to be more covered up than that. In fact, that thought gave her an idea.

"Why don't _you_?"

"Fine," Dorcas handed Marlene her jacket, "maybe I will."

"I don't believe you."

Dorcas slowly took off her shoes, her tie, her blouse, and then her skirt in the middle of the corridor. Marlene's jaw dropped as her bright blue eyes widened in horror.

"Dor...Dorcas!" she stammered. "Put your clothes back on!"

"Nope," Dorcas said mischievously, before putting her wand to her face and whispering a spell to make it invisible.

"You're mad!"

"Maybe," she then tossed her bra and underwear at Marlene before bolting down the hall.

Shocked, Marlene watched her best friend, unable to do anything to stop her. Dorcas wasn't the most athletic person at all, but since she had kicked off her heels and all of her clothes, she seemed to be much faster.

Lily came out of the compartment giving Marlene a curious glance. "Coming in, Mar?"

"Uh," Marlene gulped blocking Lily's view of the hallway, "yes, of course…"

"What's wrong?"

Marlene knew she couldn't tell Lily, so she just shook her head and went into the compartment.


	6. Don't Panic

_Oh all that I know  
There's nothing here to run from  
Cause here  
Everybody here's got somebody to lean on_

**-Coldplay-**

* * *

"I _can't_ believe you did that," Marlene whispered to Dorcas as they climbed into the carriage headed to the castle.

Dorcas grinned at Marlene, "You never know when you're going to die, kiddo. Might as well go out flashing."

"Lily is going to kill you when she finds out."

"It's my body," Dorcas said, unconcerned.

Marlene shook her head laughing.

"I can't _believe_ you did that."

"What's going to happen to me? No one can accuse me without saying how he or she knows it's me. You couldn't see my face, Mar."

Marlene was laughing so hard she was shaking. Her eyes started watering she was laughing so hard.

"I... I just…keep picturing their faces… Oh, Merlin… _My heart_!"

"What's so funny?" Mary asked as she climbed into the carriage, giving them both suspicious looks.

"Nothing," Dorcas smiled innocently, moving over so Alice could sit down next to her.

In a matter of seconds, Lily, Alice, Dorcas, Marlene, and Mary were on their way to the castle. Mary glanced out the window, ignoring the rest of them as they dispersed into idle gossip.

"Did you see that girl?" Dorcas questioned in amazement, her face completely and totally believable.

Alice shook her head, "I heard Sirius Black talking to Remus about it, though."

"What did they say?" Marlene wanted to know, though she didn't dare look at Dorcas as she asked.

Laughing lightly, her short hair falling into her face, Alice replied, "Sirius said she was fit and that he'd never seen Remus's eyes go so wide."

Marlene's smile faded and her lips thinned at that, but only Mary saw that. Marlene thought it was hysterical that Dorcas had impulsively decided to just streak for no good reason. But the last thing she wanted to hear was that her ex-boyfriend had been attracted to her best friend. Sure, neither Dorcas nor Remus had done anything wrong, but it still stung enough to make her grow quiet.

"Whoever it was," Lily began with an amused smile of her own, "was too quick. They didn't find her… I thought it was rather funny, actually."

"The queen of rules found that funny?"

Lily smiled sheepishly with a shrug.

"I always find nudity funny… I don't know why."

"That's because you have a sick sense of humor," Dorcas tutted, pretending to scold her.

They all crawled out of the carriage, clad in their Gryffindor robes, and headed to the castle. Lily and Dorcas took the lead, talking on and on about something, but Mary and Alice hung back to walk with Marlene.

"You okay, Marlene?" Alice asked softly, putting a comforting hand on her arm.

Marlene nodded.

"Yeah, I just don't know if I'm quite ready to be back."

"You still hung up on Lupin?" Mary asked bluntly, but not unkindly.

"I'll be fine," Marlene answered.

Mary and Alice shared a look and linked arms with Marlene.

"We know. We just like to ask to make sure."

"Well thank you," Marlene laughed, lighting up.

Dorcas and Lily grew quiet as they walked through the castle doors. In a flash, Lily saw Dorcas wave to Peter through the crowd excitedly as they all were stuck in a crowd stand still.

"You know, I'm surprised you're even friends with Peter," Lily noted to Dorcas randomly as they waited for the doors to open. "I've always thought that it was weird."

Dorcas said, "Why?"

"Because…you're blunt and bold, and he's…not."

The people surrounding them talked loudly of the woman who streaked across the Hogwarts Express, not knowing she was standing right next to them. Dorcas didn't seem to notice as he took a beat to consider Lily's question.

"On the train ride to Hogwarts first year, Bellatrix Black curse my hair white and told me she did it so everyone else would be able to see I was Muggleborn trash." She paused for a second as her voice grew quiet, "And as I cried, Peter came over to me. He didn't know the counter curse, but he put his arm around me and he promised he would find someone who would. He found Marlene, and she fixed my hair. They were my first friends."

Lily was taken aback by the story. She had never heard a story that showed Peter Pettigrew in a good light. All she ever heard or saw was him trailing after Sirius and James with blind devotion in his eyes. Never once had anyone ever said anything nice about him, let alone something so…genuinely compassionate.

The crowd of 2nd through 7th years surged forward as the magnificent and majestic Great Hall doors opened.

"Peter comforted you?" Lily asked finally, still shocked.

"You wouldn't believe he has it in him now, but he walked right up to me and protected me even though he didn't have any reason to."

"That's so…sweet."

"Well it's a hell of a lot better than how you and I met," Dorcas laughed as they moved to sit down on at the Gryffindor table. "I can't believe you threw cake at me."

Lily eyes narrowed dangerously.

"You said you hated _The Beatles_ and thought anyone that liked them were stupid."

"And I stand by that argument."

"Yes, but I've learned to forgive you," Lily smirked.

Dorcas scoffed, "What's there to forget? I've made your life great."

"I guess."

"Come on." She elbowed Lily with a smirk. "I liven up your life."

Lily rolled her eyes.

"Whatever, Dora."

Marlene sat down across from Lily; Mary and Alice moved farther down the table to sit with some of their seventh year friends. James and Remus sat down on either side of Marlene while Sirius and Peter sat down next to Lily.

"Why are you sitting with me?" Marlene asked James curiously.

"I actually wanted to talk to you about something," he began under his breath. "I've been thinking about what you said, and Remus agrees."

Marlene didn't like the sound of that at all, but she didn't turn to look at Remus. Instead she asked James, "About what?"

"About broadening my female selection," James shrugged. "I've decided to give your idea a fair shake."

"I'm glad… I really think it's for the best."

James nodded.

"I know."

"Well let me see the horrible list you and Sirius assembled… I'm sure there will be at least a handful of bimbos on it."

"Actually," James revealed with a guilty expression, "I didn't consult Sirius on this one."

Marlene's eyebrows rose in surprise.

"Really?"

"Well I kind of want to date someone, not just snog them and leave," James said, blushing slightly.

"Well then, I'll tell you what. Tomorrow, during lunch we can go over your prospects, okay?"

James rolled his eyes.

"Thanks, Mum."

"What? You know you need a second opinion," she scoffed.

"I suppose so."

James offered her a lopsided grin, which she returned whole-heartedly before reaching over and hugging him. He wrapped his arms around her naturally as he had since they were children. Once they pulled away, James began talking to Benji Fenwick about his summer.

* * *

Marlene watched James and Lily as they sat across the table from each other, neither one saying anything to the other. In another lifetime, she could see them being friends, but not in a world where Snape existed. He was the one person that brought out the worst in both of them. As soon as he entered the hall, any kindness or indifference towards each other faded. James glowered at Snape, Lily scowled at James and Snape sneered at James. It was a vicious cycle, and it was sad because if Snape didn't exist then there would be nothing holding Lily and James back; but unfortunately, that wasn't the case, and it broke her heart to see.

"What's wrong?" Remus whispered next to her, with knitted eyebrows.

Marlene shrugged, "Nothing…just thinking."

Thinking about something she didn't really want to get into with her ex-boyfriend. It didn't matter that they'd broken up months ago or that she'd decided to be friends with him… It still hurt. And it would have made it worse for her to talk to him like they weren't another couple that would have worked if other things hadn't gotten in the way. Lily and James might be able to eventually get past Snape; they wouldn't be at Hogwarts forever after all. But Remus would never get over his insecurities of being a werewolf, and Marlene was finally learning to deal with that.

"You know, Sirius is going to be livid when he finds out he wasn't involved in James's suitor choosing process," Remus said conversationally.

Marlene shrugged.

"Just say it was my fault. He's usually mad at me, anyway."

"Why do you think that?"

Sighing she shrugged again.

"I just don't think he likes me very much. I mean I think he just likes me because he has to."

"I don't think that's true."

"Well that's because you have to see the good in everyone, Remus."

He frowned and was about to put a comforting arm around her, when he thought better of it. She seemed angry, but he knew better than to try and coax it out of her. Instead he shifted away and listened to Sirius giving Peter woman advice, much to Lily and Dorcas's disapproval.

"Pay for everything, Wormtail; open the door and all that garbage, but most of all, make sure you tell her she looks good."

"Christ," Dorcas groaned, eyeing him darkly. "You really know to take the romance out of it, Black. Are you sure you're qualified to give advice?"

Sirius said, "Oh, please. It may have been awhile since I've been out, but I still know the way it works."

"Sure you do."

"When's the last time you've even been on a date, Meadowes? Last I heard you worked the same night shifts I do," Sirius shot back.

Dorcas's lips thinned. "I'm just saying I'd rather _Lupin_, or someone with some manners, teach Pete what to say to girls."

"You don't think I can take a girl out and show her a good time?"

"Not without sleazy intentions or rude remarks, no," she countered.

Lily sat forward, with a gleam in her green eyes.

"I smell a bet coming on."

"Right you are Evans," Sirius smirked. "Name your terms, Meadowes."

"I pick the girl, you take her out and then we will see." Dorcas told him.

Enticed by this bet, Sirius put out his hand for her to shake.

"Deal."

Dorcas didn't look too pleased about shaking his hand, but she did it anyway.

Marlene rolled her eyes with a snort of amusement.

"You two are ridiculous."

"I don't know what you're mocking. _You're_ the one that's going on a date with him."

"Excuse me?" Marlene said incredulously. "I don't think so."

Dorcas tried to look at Marlene persuasively.

"I can't do it, I'm too biased, and you're the only one I trust to tell me the truth."

"…I still don't see the part where I agreed to this."

"I'm not that bad McKinnon," Sirius smirked at her. "What's one date? I'll treat you real nice."

Shaking her head, Marlene scowled.

"Fine…whatever."

Dorcas and Lily shared a look while Remus and Sirius eyed Marlene in confusion. Feeling crestfallen, Sirius's smirk faded as he saw the bitterness grow in Marlene's eyes while she starred determinedly at the head table. He had never had met a girl that was opposed to spending the evening with him. Though he knew she wasn't specifically upset with him, he was a little taken aback to have some of her anger directed at him.

Not knowing he was the root of the problem, Remus put his hand on her shoulder to comfort her.

"Hey—"

Marlene flinched, shifted away, and then on a moment's impulse ran out of the Great Hall as the first years began to enter it. She didn't want to feel this way. She was _sick_ of feeling this way. All she wanted was to just be friends with him and feel nothing more for him. Was that too much to ask? Why could everyone else get off scotch free from their relationships, but she was forced to be the bigger person? All she needed was to get as far away from Remus Lupin as possible.

Back at the Gryffindor table Remus was left looking dejected looking.

"What did I say?"

Lily shrugged helplessly.

"I think she just needs time, Remus."

"Should I go after her?"

"No," Sirius told him curtly getting up out of his seat. "I will."

That was the last thing any of them expected him to say. Lily, Remus, Dorcas, and Peter watched in wonder as Sirius Black strutted past the much smaller crowd of first years. Professor McGonagall opened her mouth to say something to him, but he moved too fast for her to catch him.

"That was weird," Peter piped up.

Lily nodded looking concerned.

"Should we have let him go after her…?"

Dorcas didn't have an answer, so she just shrugged.

"I've never seen Black go after a girl… It's almost unnatural."

"They're friends," James interjected after he caught up on what was going on. "Maybe it's better if he talks to her."

"I don't know about that," Dorcas scoffed staring at the Great Hall doors. "Black ruins everything he touches."

James's face set in anger.

"Dorcas, watch it. You don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't I? Do you know how many hearts he's broken?"

"He wouldn't do that to Marlene," James stated firmly. "Those girls went into it with their own expectations. He never lied to them or pretended that he felt any differently about them."

Lily said, "How would you know what he said to them?"

"Because I know my best friend," he shot at her sharply. "He doesn't treat women poorly."

Lily was slightly taken aback by his intensity. She had seen him angry before, but it had never been directed at her. No matter what she had said or done to him, he had never lashed out or said a single unkind word to her. Startled, she forced herself to watch the first years being sorted as she tried to ignore the feeling deep in her gut that said she should apologize to him. Lily Elizabeth Evans was far too stubborn and too proud to admit that James Potter might be right.

James, for the first time in years, allowed himself to be angry with Lily. She was pigheaded and full of herself. Just because she was pretty and smart, she assumed she knew everything and everyone, but she didn't. The girl didn't have the slightest clue what Sirius had gone through. All she knew where exaggerated rumors about him from whiny, bitchy girls who pegged Sirius to be their 'one and only.' James hadn't been lying when he said Sirius never lied to any of them; Sirius didn't. The girls just assumed that if they spent enough time with him, he'd change. But Sirius Black wasn't going to change his behavior for a B cup bra girl with no personality or substance, and in James's opinion no man ever should.

Two seats over Remus stared at his empty plate, filling with more and more guilt by the minute. How could he have been so stupid? She was just trying to be nice by forgiving him. Marlene didn't mean it. For whatever reason, she had loved him and he had done everything in his power to push her away. As the room echoed every few moments in applause and tiny eleven year olds jogged over to their new houses, Remus sulked.

* * *

At first Sirius didn't know where to look for Marlene. After all, he'd only ever spent time with her when he was with James or at Quidditch. But thinking of her love of Quidditch that gave him an idea. So he headed down in his uniform without any concern to how much trouble he might be in. When he opened the door leading directly to the field he found he'd been right about her.

Her face was full of tears. The tip of her small nose was reddening as her long blonde hair rippled in the September wind. Her arms were tucked around under her legs as she curled up into the long blades of grass.

"McKinnon?" Sirius called, walking forward.

She stiffened and quickly wiped her face so he wouldn't see her tears.

"What are you doing out here, Black?"

"Checking on you."

"…Why?" she scoffed, looking away from him. "I was mean to you."

Sirius sunk down in the grass next to her with a laugh.

"You're always mean to me."

"That's not true!"

"I'm just saying, we're mean to each other. That's the way it's always been."

Marlene let out a small laugh.

"It's because you stole my man."

"James was always meant to be mine," Sirius declared, puffing out his well-built chest. "You were just holding my place until I arrived."

"Oh right," she smiled, letting go of her annoyance. "I'm sorry about before…I was just…annoyed and I hate when Dorcas just tells me I'm doing something without asking…"

Sirius nodded understandingly. "Which I'm assuming she does a lot."

"More than I would care to remember."

"Well it can't help with five older siblings always bossing you around at home," he recalled.

"You have no idea!" She let out an exhausted sigh, "But I still shouldn't have said that about you. I'm sure if you would take your ego down about a foot and a half, you'd be alright."

He shook his head with a wide smile on his face as he leaned back on his arms.

"It's fine. I can't have every girl in love with me, I'd never get any sleep."

Marlene shoved him.

"You're such an idiot."

"An idiot that made you feel better."

"Yes I suppose so…" Her face sobered up for a second. "Can you do me a favor?"

Sirius tilted his head with a devilish smirk.

"Does it involve me taking my clothes off?"

"Do most of your favors involve you taking off your clothes?" she asked wryly.

"Maybe."

Marlene rolled her eyes, "Can you just…" Her face grew guilty. "Can you keep Remus away from me and like…not tell him?"

"_McKinnon_," Sirius groaned.

"No, you don't understand! He means well; if he didn't, I would have told him to bugger off by now. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but by him sitting next to me…making small talk…breathing really…he's hurting mine."

Sirius asked, "Okay I'm going to ask this…why does he bother you so much? I get that he broke your heart and all that, but what set it off this time? You seemed fine on the train."

"It's really stupid…" She blushed embarrassedly. "Let's just say that it's completely not worth it… I really don't want to feel this way, but I don't know what to do to make it stop."

"Why don't you just shut it off?"

"You can't shut off emotions, Sirius," she scoffed dismissively.

He hugged his long legs into his chest, his gold and scarlet tie falling between his knees.

"Sure you can."

"You can say that all you want, but that's not shutting off your emotions, that's repressing them. And the more and more you repress shit like that, the more it will boil over until you will break." Marlene looked at him, "I know you like to think what you're parents did to you doesn't affect you, but I know that it does. _I saw what it does to you_."

Looking away, she continued on.

"And I'm not going to ever push you to deal with it or talk about it, because Merlin knows I repress things too, but I'm only repressing Remus because nothing else has worked. I will get over Remus; but you grew up with your family, and they are a big part of your life. Eventually you're going to have to deal with your feelings on that."

After a beat, Marlene added, "If we could shut our feelings off, we wouldn't be human. Feelings, emotions, and all of that lovely stuff that makes us wish we weren't alive are also the things that make us glad we are. And considering the feelings you, Sirius Orion Black, have towards James Harold Potter…"

"Didn't you talk to Remus, though?" Sirius interrupted.

"I talked to him, I stayed away from him, I thought I got over it…I guess I'm just not ready yet."

Sirius hesitated and then put his arm around Marlene. Normally this would have had to been planned moments in advance. He would have considered whether this was the right time or not and definitely would have factored in the slapping statistics. A sixteen-year-old boy of his caliber had to be prepared when dealing with so many women weekly. But for once, he wasn't.

At first she stiffened, as if she wasn't expecting the sentiment. Then her body began to relax, and she even rested her head on the crook of his neck.

And in the quietest voice he heard her say, "Thanks Sirius…You're a really good friend."

His arm wrapped around her waist, and in a gesture he'd seen but never done himself, he kissed the top of her head.

"Don't mention it."

They stayed that for a while in perfect silence. Sirius's heart was beating twice as fast as it normally he did, and didn't have the faintest clue why.

* * *

Rising after the feast, Lily and Dorcas felt uneasy that neither Sirius nor Marlene had returned. Dorcas shook it off easier as she assumed that Marlene just needed some air, but Lily couldn't shake anything off. So she did something she never thought she'd do. Lily grabbed James's arm and pulled him aside.

"Do you really think she's okay with Sirius?"

He scoffed, "Yes."

"But…"

"Evans, Marlene McKinnon has been my best friend since I was born," he said gently, his irritation fading as he saw the anxiety flicker in her eyes. "I would have stopped Sirius if I thought he would set her off further."

She nodded begrudgingly.

"I'm sure she's in the kitchens with Sirius right now, and they'll roll into the common room in an hour like nothing ever happened."

"How can you be so sure?"

James shrugged, "I know my friends."

As an experiment, Lily sat out on the common room couch for an hour. She would much rather have gone up to bed after the long day, but she couldn't kill the curiosity growing inside of her. Potter had been so sure; he didn't even look for Sirius or Marlene, he just knew. And considering that, she always thought she had a good handle on who her arch nemesis, James Potter, was. But this was an uncommon denominator that she had to investigate further.

And sure enough, just as James had said, they walked in full of food, without a care in the world on their minds. Lily waved at them, and talked to them for a bit, but the whole time, she couldn't help thinking she was going mad. James Potter was being honest and loyal when he defended Sirius. Lily knew he loved his friends, but she never really thought about it in depth. As Marlene and Sirius went their separate ways and the few straggling students went to bed, Lily lay back on the couch, wondering if everyone was right. First Pettigrew, now Potter… She felt like she didn't know anybody anymore.

Was Potter a pompous arrogant prick…. Or was she just too blind to any good in him?

The longer she laid there, the more scattered her thoughts became until she couldn't make sense of any of it. She knew Potter would do something to piss her off, possibly even the next day, but for now she was still in a haze.

For once, Lily Evans didn't have all the answers.


	7. The World at Large

_You don't know where and you don't know when.  
But you still got your words and you got your friends.  
Walk along to another day._

**-Modest Mouse-**

* * *

_Marlene McKinnon stood in the Potter's backyard, her light blue bridesmaids dress reaching just below her knees. Her sunny blonde hair was tied back, and her face was all business as she looked around the area, making sure everything was perfect; it had to be today. Her eyes caught onto a figure sauntering towards her with an arrogant smirk._

_Marlene snorted, "You _would _wear a silver suit."_

_"It matches my eyes," he said as he batted his eyelashes, his arms slung around the back of her waist. "And it works well with your dress…which also matches your eyes, Ms. McKinnon."_

_"You're an idiot."_

_"Yes," he swooped down and kissed her soundly, silencing any other complaints she could make for a moment, "but I don't have time, otherwise I'd rip that lovely dress off you right here and now."_

_Blushing, she pushed his chest lightly. _

_"Go check on James. I'm sure he's having a panic attack."_

_"Well can you blame him? He's been in love with her for ages."_

_"In that case, as acting Maid of Honor, I will go check on Lily…I can't believe soon she'll be Mrs. James Potter."_

* * *

Marlene inhaled sharply as Lily shook her awake. "You better wake up. McGonagall just walked in."

Blinking, Marlene looked around the room and let out slow breaths to calm herself. It was just a dream…a weird, impossible dream. Across the way, Marlene saw Dorcas passed out on the side of the window and Lily was going over the notes from her book. For a moment she paused, remembering her dream perfectly, but the longer she was awake the more her dream faded. And soon she remembered nothing at all.

"Mate, I can't believe you're ditching us for some bird," Sirius sighed again on the other side of the room.

Remus snorted, "Padfoot, you need to learn how to share. It's only for one night, and James is not just yours."

"That's a blatant lie," Sirius scoffed. "Let's be honest. Let's make this as honest as possible. This man would be nothing without me."

James rolled his eyes adjusting his glasses as he did so.

"You have that backwards, mate."

"Does it really matter?" Sirius said haughtily. "Either way, no woman can get in between _this_ magic."

"And yet," Remus smirked cheekily, "one will be tonight."

Sirius pouted, "I don't like it. One night turns into two, and before we know it she's sitting with us…like a leech."

James reached his long arm over and ruffled Sirius's shaggy silky black hair like he would a dog.

"You'll be alright."

"And you're taking that tart, Sylvia Ledger, out…"

Peter piped up, "She's not a tart. You just don't like her because she turned you down mate."

"I believe Pete has you there, Padfoot," Remus agreed.

Sirius leaned far back in his seat, so the back pegs of his chair were off the ground, nearing the line of danger, but not crossing it. He sat in his usual seat next to James in the middle of the class, while Remus and Peter sat right in front of them.

"You two are just jealous because you are always stuck with each other," Sirius shot back as McGonagall finished handing out their first exam of the year.

"I still can't believe she gave us these in the first week," Peter whined holding his exam in agony. "I didn't even get a chance to pretend to study."

"It's alright Wormy," Remus told him sympathetically. "I'm sure she'll tell you about the next one ahead of time, and then I'll help you get through it."

"Like he always does," Sirius mocked lazily winking at the girls across the room.

"Mr. Black," McGonagall snapped taking a step towards him viciously, "I'm going to start my lecture now. I hope that doesn't interfere with your conversation."

Smaller men would have faltered, but not Sirius. He took her withering stare in stride and flashed his dazzling smirk full wattage. "Oh Minnie, I have missed our weekly interludes."

"Detention," she told him. "A months worth."

"Oh I do love your sass. I _will_ see you at detention." He winked suggestively. "What will we do this time? Lines? Or will I be bent over cleaning something for several hours on end?"

McGonagall's nostrils flared and her skin grew white with rage, but she didn't do anything. She knew if she gave him any more punishment it would simply encourage his behavior. That was the way Sirius Black worked; the more you told him he couldn't do something, the harder and faster he fought to do it. It was the way he dealt with how he was raised, and McGonagall knew that, but it didn't make him any less of a pain in her arse.

"The spell we are learning today is…" she continued ignoring Sirius and moving on with her lecture.

In the back of the class Marlene and Dorcas snorted.

"One of these days," Dorcas muttered, "McGonagall is going to throw Black of the Astronomy tower, and I pray to everything magical that we are there to see it."

"I'd paid a lot of galleons to see that," Marlene smirked in agreement.

Lily didn't say anything, but there was a small smile on her face from the interaction. She liked to act like she was so above the Marauder's and everything they did, but there were small moments, rare little flashes of life, where Lily's amusement was obvious. She wouldn't say it, but in that second she not only liked the Marauder's, but was delighted by them.

It was insignificant to every single other person in the world, but Marlene saw this as a sign that maybe, just maybe, there was hope for her and James, after all.

After class Dorcas linked arms with Lily as the three of them walked to lunch.

"So did you hear your boyfriend has a date tonight?"

A flicker of surprise crossed Lily's face, and she tried to play it off as cool indifference. James Potter had been trying to get her to date him since third year, but there was absolutely nothing indifferent about her feelings towards him. Though she'd rather die a million deaths than admit it, a small selfish part of her liked that someone put so much time and effort into her. If it were anyone else, she might have actually enjoyed it completely, but with James, Lily rarely held onto a single opinion for long.

"No, I didn't hear that," Lily said stiffly, adjusting her blouse. "Maybe now he will leave me alone."

"_Fat chance_," Dorcas snorted, hiking her shirt up a half an inch higher than regulation. "Potter made be good at a lot of things, but letting go of things is not one of them."

Lily asked, "How would you know?"

"Don't you remember him after Gryffindor lost the cup last year?"

Marlene nodded in grim agreement.

"He stayed in the locker room for five hours afterwards. Sirius had to drag him out and even then he spent weeks depressed about it, thinking it was all his fault."

"But he's a Chaser," Lily interjected in bewilderment as they sat down at the Gryffindor table. "It's ultimately the Seeker the wins the game, right?" She looked at Marlene for confirmation.

"Well," Marlene began uneasily as she loaded food onto her plate, "he kept saying he could have done more…that he could have worked in more goals, that he could have tried harder… What you have to understand about James is when something goes wrong, the first person he points to is himself…even if there is nothing he could have done."

Dorcas said, "Honestly it was your captain's fault. You were flying with a serious concussion, Potter had a broken arm, and he didn't take either one of you out. You had two players on reserve!"

"The captain wouldn't let me sit out even though I couldn't even see straight…and James _doesn't_ sit out," Marlene laughed humorlessly. "He could be on his death bed, and it would take the whole team to force him down."

"That's stupid," Lily scoffed, taking a bite from the food on her plate.

Marlene frowned, her light blue eyes tinting with distaste.

"What makes you say that?"

"You guys could have won if he hadn't made the game about himself," Lily reasoned.

Dorcas shook her head in disagreement.

"Slytherin was better, and Mar was half unconscious on her broom. There was no way they could have won."

"See, I love you Lily. I do, but you see everything as black and white, good or bad…and that's not the way the world is. James didn't sit out not because he wanted to the glory of the win, but because he wouldn't leave his team." Marlene's eyes hardened, and she shook her head. "You've never played on a team, and you've never worked with James, so you don't understand. He may be flawed, but don't ever imply he isn't loyal."

Lily was silent. She considered saying something several times, but none of her responses felt right. Most of her potential replies were snarky reflections on past events that she could warp to show the contrary, but this time Marlene's tone was sharper then before. For the second time that week, Lily questioned herself. Was she exaggerating James, or was Marlene just too blinded by years of friendship to see him clearly? Once again, she didn't know the answer, so she repressed the confusion and went on with her belief that James was a bully and incapable of being anything but.

* * *

Back in the sixth year boy's dorm, James, Sirius, Peter and Remus were switching out their books before heading to class. Sirius was in the middle of a Quidditch argument with James. James believed that this year, the Cannon's could bring themselves out of the hole they'd dug themselves in and come back and win the league; whereas Sirius thought they were a lost cause.

"I'm telling you Paddy," James grinned as he sat on his bed for a moment. "They're going to make this huge comeback, and you are going to wish you had my unwavering faith."

"Francesco Francesko doesn't agree with you," Sirius stated firmly.

James, Remus and Peter all paused in whatever they were doing to stare at Sirius blankly. He always randomly came up with things and always acted like they were crazy for not knowing what he was talking about. It was one of the things they loved and absolutely detested about him.

Finally after silently pulling straws, James sighed at looked at his best friend wearingly.

"Sirius, who the hell is Francesco Francesco?"

"It's actually spelled _F-R-A-N-C-E-S-C-O, F-R-A-N-C-E-S-K-O_," Sirius corrected him for no good reason.

"…Right," James snorted, "but who is he?"

"Francesco Francesko is an Italian man," Sirius began wistfully, his grey eyes pulsing with mystical excitement. "He is a world renown dresser, an exceptional dancer, and can speak three languages fluently."

Remus cleared his throat and asked, "Sirius, is this a real person?"

"Very."

"Oh-kay," James said walking away, with a laugh fresh on his lips.

"What?" Sirius asked following the three of them out of their dorm. "He is."

Remus shook his head.

"More like a figment of your ridiculous imagination."

"It is my ridiculous imagination, Moony," Sirius accented throwing an arm around Remus's shoulder, "that keeps you lot from become so incredibly boring."

Only Peter laughed at this familiar obnoxious statement.

Sirius then went on, "So who's going to keep me company in detention tonight?"

"Not I," Remus declared. "I have to tutor some fourth years."

"Prongsie?" Sirius smirked at James.

James gave him annoyed look.

"We had this conversation earlier. I have a date."

"Oh yes…" Sirius's face twisted as if he had swallowed something distasteful. "Wormtail?"

"I can't." Peter paled nervously. "Marlene is helping me with Charms."

"It's the first week, Pete," James frowned. "How can you be behind already?"

Peter shrugged feebly.

"What's it like being normal?" Sirius sighed at Peter. "Sometimes I feign being normal…" Sirius spoke wistfully before grinning, "but then I find it's terribly dreary and I go back to being me."

"Sometimes Padfoot," Remus smiled wearingly, "I think your arrogance knows no bounds."

James laughed, "But then it always pushes further than before."

Sirius took three steps and tackled Remus and James. The three of them rolled on the floor wrestling before they all fell down laughing. Peter stood above them with a wide smile, he didn't join in, but soon they gave him no choice as they dragged him to the floor with them. The Marauders always went down as a team, whether they liked it or not.

* * *

Right before they headed to Potions, James came out of nowhere and pulled Marlene away from Dorcas. He was walking with Sirius, pretending to listen to him talk about how Remus was a git, when he saw Marlene. He'd been hiding his nerves perfectly the whole day, but when he saw her, he immediately jumped into action, unable to keep his feelings to himself any longer.

"Er …I need a quick word," he told her rashly, grabbing her arm.

"Uh," she muttered as he steered her away from her friends, "okay...? Why can't you talk to Sirius about whatever this is?"

James sighed, "Because he'd the mickey out of me if I even tried."

"Uh," Marlene sounded again, clearing her throat and tucking her long blond hair behind her ears, "okay, what's up?"

"Mar, I haven't been on a date," James admitted sheepishly, his face flushing as students walked past them.

She eyed him confusedly, "You mean…in a while?"

"No, I mean _ever_," James whispered self-consciously, throwing a hand through his hair.

"But I thought you'd…" Marlene made a very suggestive gesture with her hands.

James let out a noise of embarrassment and pulled her into an empty classroom. "_I have_, but it was just some girl." He shut the door and sighed.

"But," Marlene laughed in disbelief, "I've always seen you with girls. Surely you were snogging one of them."

"Mar, I've snogged three girls in my life, but I've never dated _any_ of them," he announced in frustration.

Marlene kept opening her mouth and then closing it, completely unsure of what to say. She'd never expected this. Even though they'd never talked about it, she'd always assumed James had done it all. So right then, she felt completely out of place and unsure of what advice to give him.

"Okay, I'm just checking…but Sirius has done everything, right?"

James let out a large laugh.

"Yeah."

She raised her hands in innocence.

"I'm just making sure, because this is kind of throwing me through a loop."

"Can you please not be an arse about this?" he snapped in irritation.

"Sorry…alright what part of the date are you worried about, specifically?"

He rolled up his bottom lip anxiously, his dark hair falling into his face messily.

"Um…do I like…hold her hand and stuff? Or do I wait? What do I say? I have no idea how to act."

"Why do you have to act like anything?" Marlene's face scrunched up in sadness.

"I don't want to upset her by saying or doing the wrong thing," he said. "You know I'm _rubbish_ with women."

She said, "No you're not. Peter's rubbish with women. You just haven't been on the pitch in a while."

"I dunno," he said, leaning back on the desk behind him. "I just…I dunno."

She patted his shoulder warmly.

"It will be fine. Think of it as going out with a friend that happens to have boobs."

"Like you?"

"Almost," She laughed, "_but _you _want_ to touch her boobs."

James snorted and blushed.

"Yeah."

"So you just hang out…find out what she likes, go into some shops. If it feels right to hold her hand, do it. Just…go with the flow."

"Okay," he nodded gulping. "Okay."

Marlene wrapped her arm around his shoulders in a way a swan would her baby.

"James Potter, you are a handsome, smart and talented. Any woman would be lucky to have you."

"Okay."

"Now buck up," she grinned at him. "You can't go out into the world like this, what will the other deer think?"

James laughed and snuggled his arms around her.

"Thanks Mar. I'm loving your word choice."

"I thought it suited you well." She clapped him on the back and they walked arm and arm to Potions.

* * *

Three hours later, James was in his loose muggle jeans and a rather snug grey t-shirt in front of his floor length mirror. There was nothing he could really fix about his appearance. Girls could change their hair, alter their skin, and do millions of little things to improve their overall appearance. As a boy James was stuck looking just the way he was. The only thing he thought he could maybe calm down was his untidy black hair, which seemed to have become chaotic from the state of his nerves.

"Mate, there's no reason to be nervous," Sirius told him, as threw him his wand and set him with a firm stare. "You're James bloody Potter."

And in that moment all of his nervousness faded, because Sirius for once fit his namesake. He truly meant that to be James Potter was to be somebody that was too bold and noble to be anxious for something as small and trivial as a first date. Marlene was right, this was simple and he was just over thinking it. James's father always said that of all things that was James's biggest flaw. He just had to look over every single minute detail looking for any sign of failure on his own part. This time, just like every other time, he was being ridiculous.

James let out heavy laugh, dropped his hand and immediately stopped trying to tame his hair or anything else about himself. "Thanks Sirius."

"Anytime, mate. Now if you get bored feel free to talk to me," Sirius made a exasperated noise and gestured to his mirror. "I'm afraid Minnie will have me under lock and key this evening."

"It's your own fault."

"Prongs," he said, leaning against the open doorway, "nothing is ever my fault. It is simply undetermined who the real culprit is."

Sirius then slipped out of the doorway. James chuckled at that, pocketed the Marauders' Map, his wand, some Galleons, and his own mirror and went down the stairs to meet up with his date. As soon as he took a step off the boy's staircase, he collided with someone half his size.

"Oh sorry—"

"No it's my fault," Lily breathed, handing him his glasses, but she froze when she realized whom she hit. Her face instantly hardened, and she took a step back. "Potter."

He nodded, unable to wipe the smirk of his face.

"Evans."

"Where are you going?" she asked, eyeing him suspiciously.

"I have a date," he replied.

She snorted, tossing her frizzing red hair over her shoulder.

"So I heard."

"I'd thought you'd be happy." He furrowed his eyebrows, confused by her reaction.

"For you? Or for her?"

"That I'm not bothering you," James answered flatly.

Lily faltered under her intense gaze.

"Well, I figured you'd give up eventually."

"I haven't given up," he declared quietly.

"I hardly call going on a date with someone else not giving up," She snorted dismissively. "…Not that I'm complaining. I'm just clarifying."

James crossed his arms.

"I'm not a saint, Lily. I'm not going to just sit around waiting for you to like me."

"Then how can you say you haven't given up?" she wondered. "Isn't that what you're doing?"

"Because, Evans, I _haven't_ given up," he smirked. "I still have hope, and as long as I have that, I'm still in it."

James then moved away from her and promptly walked out of the common room with his head held high.


	8. Float On

_I ran my mouth off a bit too much, oh what did I say_

_Well you just laughed it off, it was all ok_

**-Modest Mouse-**

* * *

Quidditch trials were unnaturally early, in order to allow James enough time to weed through the "unlikely"s and post the final team roster on the Gryffindor bulletin board. He said that it was because of the Hogsmeade trip that was scheduled for later on that day, but everyone knew better.

James woke up first; his pale face was bright with pure uncontrollable excitement. He felt like there was nothing that could bring him down from the high of the first day of Quidditch. Of course, Sirius was still sound asleep. So as soon as he was fully dressed in his Quidditch gear, he turned and dive bombed Sirius's bed.

"PADDY!"

"WHAT THE HELL!" Sirius shouted furiously, clutching his aching body. "You jumped on me in your gear?"

James grinned menacingly.

"Sure did! Get up! We have trials!"

"I'm already on the team!" Sirius whined, rolling under his pillow. "I don't need to be there."

"Yes you do! You have to help me pick the new Beater, remember?"

Sirius let out a defeated groan.

"I hate mornings…they are so evil and hateful…and so bright."

"Come on, Paddy," James snatched his pillow and threw it across the room out of Sirius's reach.

Sitting up shirtless, Sirius scratched his head and yawned.

"Fine. I'll be down in five."

"If I don't see you in five minutes exactly, I'm sending Marlene up to get you."

Sirius scoffed and stood up, scratching his growing facial hair.

"Like that's a threat."

"It is," James grinned, grabbing his broom and heading down to the common room.

Rick Vance, Emmeline Vance's older brother was passed out on the couch. His blonde hair was almost covering his eyes as the large Keeper snoozed on the couch in full uniform. Marlene was sitting next to him; she was fully awake, and her bright blonde hair was pulled off her little face with a crimson and gold headband to keep it in place. She also had thick black warrior stripes half an inch under dazzling sky blue eyes. James grinned at her affectionately, proud to see that at least one of his friends had the same enthusiasm he was sporting so well.

"Captain," she smirked up at him. "Where's Black?"

"Brushing his teeth and probably shaving," James shrugged. "If he takes longer than a few minutes, I'm going to take Vance to breakfast, and I'm going to need you to go get him."

She saluted him.

"Aye, aye, Captain!"

"…Did you find him down here like that?" James laughed as Rick Vance began to drool on the pillow he was plastered against.

"No, a minute after I came down here, he stumbled down the staircase and fell onto the sofa…I'm actually surprised you didn't hear him. He made quite a bit of noise."

Shrugging, James ran a hand threw his hand through his hair and let out a slow breath.

"We have thirty people coming out today…I feel it's going to be a long day."

"Well if there's one thing that you can handle, it's Quidditch," Marlene told him with complete and total confidence.

"Thanks, Mar." He grinned at her and then checked his watch. "Go get Sirius. I'll take the lug."

In a flash, Marlene swung around the room and bounded up the steps while James used his wand to pour ice-cold water onto his sleeping teammate. Rick's thick, six foot three inch form jolted like he'd been electrocuted, his small black eyes snapping open in blind fear.

"WHAT, WHAT?"

"Morning, mate," James jested cheerfully. "Fancy getting up?"

"Why am I all wet?" he grumbled.

James shrugged innocently.

"No idea, but we have to go to breakfast. You can dry off on the way there, okay?"

"…Alright…"

You wouldn't be able to tell it from his morning incompetency, but Rick Vance had been shortlisted for the Department of Mysteries for his soaring test grades and high mental intellect. James couldn't help but laugh at that as he half carried the barely conscious, two hundred and twenty pound man to the Great Hall.

When Marlene bounded up the stairs to get Sirius, she wasn't thinking clearly. From the moment she woke up that morning she, like James, had only thought of what glory this day could hold for their team. They could finally assemble team that would take the cup. She didn't think about the fact that she was about to walk into her ex boyfriend's dorm room at the crack of dawn…or the fact that Remus Lupin tended to sleep naked.

She walked in, tiptoeing to not wake the rest of the boys and whispered, "Sirius…Sirius?"

A sharp inhale from behind her made her spin just in time to see Sirius coming out of the bathroom with a toothbrush sticking out of his ridiculously attractive mouth, his face freshly shaven.

"What?"

"Hurry up, we have to go," she told him in a hush, gesturing for them to leave. "We're supposed to be in the Great Hall."

Rolling his eyes, Sirius walked into the bathroom, spit out his toothpaste and grabbed his broom. His dark hair was disheveled and it looked almost like James's hair, but it was much silkier. For only a second, Marlene forgot who she was looking at. She'd known Sirius since they were nine. It was she who actually introduced him to James, and was therefore responsible for all of the consequences that followed that, but she'd never really taken him seriously. Most nine year olds don't sip their Butterbeers and look around the room like they seen and done it all before, but Sirius Black did. But for a second she just looked at him without any prejudices or personal experiences.

He really was attractive; his skin had shifted from stark white to golden tan effortlessly. His tall long, lean body no longer even showed any signs of puberty; it wasn't the body of a sixteen-year-old boy. James had the body of sixteen-year-old boy. He had muscle tone, but he was still growing and gawky. But Sirius was fully-grown, and that knowledge was perfectly clear in his piercing grey eyes.

"McKinnon," he waved a hand in front of her face, bringing her attention back to the present, "you alright? You look a bit peaky."

She was thankful beyond belief that he thought she was merely sleep deprived and not drooling over his genetic luck.

"Yeah, let's go."

But before Marlene could leave, Remus stood up and looked over to see what the commotion was. He reached for boxers, but it was too late. Her face, which had already been growing red from Sirius, looked like it was about to catch on fire. Unable to handle the situation, she dashed out of the dorm. Of course, she wasn't looking where she was going, so she tripped on Sirius's broom and fell down the stairs.

It wasn't one of those break-every-bone-in-your-body falls. It was just one of those good, old-fashioned, horrifyingly humiliating falls where you just have a few bumps and bruises, but the most wounded thing of all is your ego.

Sirius of course found the whole thing hysterical, with his broom high on his shoulder, he grinned up at her, the sun shining on his face.

"Well you sure know how to make an exit, McKinnon."

"That was probably the worst thing that could have happened to me."

"Nah," he reassured her pulling her up to her feet. "He could have seen _you_ naked. Now _that_ would have been awkward."

She groaned and rubbed her skinned elbow.

"Thanks, Black, you always know what to say don't you?"

"How do you think I get all the women?"

"It certainly isn't your charm," she sighed, before grabbing her broom. "Carry on, then?"

"As we must."

* * *

Two hours later, Remus and Lily headed to the Quidditch field with a bag full of food.

"Now explain to me why we are doing this," Lily chuckled at Remus in disbelief. "You know I hate Quidditch."

"False," he told her boldly. "You hate flying, and you hate watching James fly. Otherwise, you like it just fine."

Lily rolled her eyes sticking her hands her jeans pockets.

"Fine, you got me, but won't Potter be flying?"

"No, he will be in the stands with Sirius going over all the players."

"Then who's leading them?" she asked as they began to climb the Ravenclaw stands staircase.

"Marlene is."

"Marlene?" Lily shrugged, "I would have thought Sirius would be on the field as Potter's right hand man."

Remus helped her up to sit in the front of the Ravenclaw stands where already a few students were sitting and watching as spectators.

"James has put her in charge of the physical development of the group. He wanted to focus with Sirius on tactics of the game and leave the other stuff to her."

"Wow, I didn't realize this was such a big deal," she mused as she looked around, her hair catching in the wind as they sat.

"It can become rather amusing," he admitted before taking a bite of his sandwich. "Last year one of the third years trying out for Beater knocked himself out."

"But—"

"The bludger wasn't even out yet," he cut her off with a laugh.

She snorted, "Oh, well I guess he didn't make the cut then."

"No, he did not."

Lily looked as his coloring and her face crinkled into worry lines.

"So how are you? I know it's coming up soon."

"Next week actually," he frowned thoughtfully, "but I'm the same I always am."

"I don't know how you do it by yourself. It must be hell to endure that alone."

Remus wanted more than anything to correct her, to tell her how his friends had bravely gone to great lengths to make sure that it was the last thing that would happen. But he couldn't, because he couldn't trust that she wouldn't tell. Lily would never out Remus for being a werewolf, but by the same token, she wouldn't be able to turn a blind eye to three wild, unregistered Animagi running around Hogwarts…especially when two of them were James and Sirius.

"Yeah, well," he evaded answering, feeling a wave of guilt consume him, "I've gotten used to it."

She wrapped her small arms around his and hugged him warmly.

"One day I'm going to create a potion that will rid you of the side affects, and you won't have to do it anymore."

"I hope so Lily…" He sighed and repeated, "I hope so."

"And you may be alone when you transform, but if you ever need anything I'm always here." She told him her eyes beaming with the most sincere sentiment.

"Thanks, Lily. I appreciate that."

* * *

Down on the field, Marlene scanned her clipboard one last time before looking up at the remainder of the candidates. Her face was lined with sweat as the September heat began to beat down on her. Clearing her voice, she looked out at the thirty or so boys that were still left. At first they didn't listen to her; they knew who she was and knew what her position was, but for some reason since she wasn't James, they thought that she wasn't worth paying attention to. Growing up as the youngest of six children, Marlene was used to disrespect, and she used that cool head to her advantage. She challenged Zach Biggs to a Chaser battle and slaughtered him in five minutes, despite the fact that she was a Seeker. From that point, on they all looked at her with the reverence and respect she had earned.

"Okay we're done with Beater tryouts. Now the following people need to stay here: Roberts, Jackson, Goldberg, Maguire, Jones, Stevens, Dunst, Ryan, Murphy, DeVitto, Hughes and Perry. When James calls your name, you will sit fly over with whomever he partners you with. And then he will begin training with you." Her high-pitched voice sharpened. "We will be tapping you out to trade players out systematically. If I tap you, you fly down to the field and wait for further instructions from Sirius or I. When you are tapped, I don't want to hear shit. Just do it."

Kevin Campbell raised his scrawny hand.

"What if we weren't called?"

Marlene frowned, her hard-ass demeanor breaking.

"Then I'm afraid you haven't made the first cut."

"Oh," he pouted, his whole body slumping.

She patted his shoulder.

"There's always next year."

James and Sirius walked down from the Gryffindor stands, the two black haired boys' heads bowed in deep conversation. Of course it was mostly James talking, his hands gesturing and moving almost violently, but every once in a while, Sirius would interject a comment that would change the entire way James viewed the players.

"You told them everything?" James questioned Marlene as he approached. She stood alone on the Quidditch field, with all possible Chasers in the air waiting for James's instructions.

"Yep," Marlene nodded cheerfully.

He grabbed his broom, hiked up on it and was in the air in less than five seconds.

Sirius grabbed his own broom and stood next to Marlene.

"You a bit sweaty there McKinnon?"

"Well we can't all sit on our arses all day," she shot at him accusatorily.

"What? He asked me to go over strategy with him."

"Yes," she began shortly, "but wouldn't it have made sense to see whom you work with best when we were looking at Beaters, instead of parking yourself in the stands?"

Sirius rolled his eyes and haughtily climbed onto his broom.

"Quit being such a killjoy, yeah?"

"It's called logic, Black," she snapped, leaping onto her broom and soaring off into the air with him hot on her trail. "Maybe you should try using your brain for a change."

"What fun is that, McKinnon?" he smirked arrogantly.

Marlene and Sirius flew off to the side, sitting on their brooms watching James go over simple plays with two chasers as the other two pretended to be the other team.

"Poor Vance," Marlene breathed seeing Rick Vance's blonde hair was dripping into his face under his helmet.

"It's his last year," Sirius shrugged. "He'll be alright."

Marlene checked her watch in concern. "If we get out of here by lunch he will be…pretty soon I'm just going to offer to sub for him. He has to be dying over there."

"You fancy Vance now, eh?" Sirius snickered suggestively.

"No, I just have a conscience. I wouldn't feel very good if our Keeper passed out from heat exhaustion."

"Do you fancy anyone then McKinnon?" he asked curiously.

She snorted, crossing her sweaty arms.

"Are you afraid I will be thinking of another man on our ridiculous Hogsmeade outing tonight?"

"Afraid? No. Endlessly amused, yes," he grinned.

"No," she frowned, "I don't feel anything for anyone."

Sirius eyed her.

"So you're over the Remus thing?"

"You mean, am I in love with him anymore?"

"Sure."

She shrugged, "It's fading. I mean, it's been two weeks of school so I've gotten used to it."

"That's good."

Marlene's eyes stayed on the players as she asked, "What about you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Which girls are you snogging or shagging…or both in your case?" She laughed under her breath.

He said, "Well first week was Leia Williams, that kinky fifth year; last week was Emma Knightley, Josie Wilson, and Connie Lucas; and this week I'm still trying out Connie."

"...Trying out?"

"To see if she's worth bothering with for an extra week," he explained simply. "Usually after a few snogs they get incredibly boring and clingy."

Marlene half covered her face in her hands in laughter.

"_You are so stupid_."

"I'm stupid because I don't lead a girl on? That doesn't make any sense, McKinnon."

"No, you aren't stupid for that. You are stupid for picking girls based upon their looks and then expecting them to amuse you."

His mouth opened and his vibrant grey eyes narrowed as he readied himself for his rebuttal.

But Marlene held up her hand to stop him.

"I'll be right back. DeVitto needs to be tapped out; he can't pass for shit."

In a split second Marlene soared over to DeVitto, tapped him hard on the shoulder and then tapped Murphy in. By the time she came back, big strands of her golden hair had fallen out of her high ponytail and her warrior stripes were brutally smeared. Sirius eyed this with a smile; he thought it was hysterical that she could be such a mess and still easily be one of the hottest girls in the school.

"What are you smiling about?" she asked him suspiciously.

Sirius's smile grew into his usual grin.

"Your stripes are a little droopy looking there, McKinnon."

Her face fell, "No! Ugh! I wanted that to stay all day…"

He laughed and patted her shoulder.

"It's just tryouts."

"I know, but it was supposed to stay all day… _this sucks._"

"Did you use magic?"

"No."

Sirius let out a bark like cackle. "Marlene, you're ridiculous."

"What?" she groaned.

"If you had used magic, it would have stayed all day and wouldn't have smeared."

Marlene waved him off, "Whatever… Ooh, James just switched up the lineup."

"He's putting Hughes and Goldberg in… Yeah, they're definitely going to be the final pick," Sirius whispered his eyes watching their every movement. "James said he thought Goldberg had the right build and attitude for it."

"They do seem to work well together," Marlene nodded, drifting closer to Sirius unintentionally. "Goldberg is a sweetheart. I hope James picks him."

"He's a fifth year right?"

"Yeah, he's dating Amy Abbott. They both have glasses and love charms. It's priceless."

Sirius didn't respond. Instead he went and tagged Hughes out.

"I want to see Goldberg with Perry just to make sure."

"Good idea. We do need a Chaser or two on reserve."

"So what do you want to do tonight?" Sirius asked airily.

She shrugged unconcernedly.

"Whatever. It doesn't really matter to me. I've never really had a particularly exceptional date."

"What, you don't go on James Potter dates?" Sirius joked referencing the adorable, but completely unnecessary romantic date James went on with his girlfriend Sylvia the week before.

"No." Marlene smiled, "I've never even gotten flowers, but it doesn't matter. They die in a week anyway and I've never been much for taking care of plants."

Sirius thought back of the few times he'd seen her mother working in the large McKinnon garden and Marlene reluctantly joining her. He could see even from the ripe age of ten that she loved to be outside, but hated doing anything but embracing the sunshine. She wanted to spin around, run, and laugh, soaking in every morsel of the outdoors she could, her hair growing lighter and lighter the longer they were outside. It was a rare memory, one of those that you looked back on your life and weren't quite sure how that event even happened at all. Sirius's mother hated blood traitors, and the McKinnon's were boldly on that list, but somehow he still ended up at her house playing with her and her siblings.

"Do you remember when I used to come over and play at your house?" he asked suddenly.

She nodded. "My grandmother set it up. She thought being around a pureblood boy would help me grow up in the right crowd and not turn out like my siblings…though how she convinced your mother to let you be around my family is beyond me."

"It doesn't it matter anyway. I'm the biggest blood traitor in Hogwarts."

"Actually," She corrected him, "I think you are tied with my best friend James. I _do_ hang out with pureblooded boys from good families, so the jokes on her."

Marlene and Sirius continued talking for a few minutes, but soon the tryouts were over and they flew down to the pitch and moved for the castle. They'd been holding tryouts for nearly four hours, a record for longest trials ever, no doubt, but as soon as James became captain, the entire game changed. Everyone wanted to be on the Gryffindor team, and now James had the whole day to choose his team under the consul of Sirius. Marlene couldn't care less; as soon as her shoes hit the grass she felt fully exhausted. All she cared about was eating and taking a nap before going to Hogsmeade. So far her day was looking good.

She didn't have the slightest clue how very wrong she was.


	9. Please Please Let Me Get What I Want

_So for once in my life _  
_Let me get what I want_

**-The Smiths-**

* * *

Lily had this knack, which applied to pretty much everything, where she could always look like she knew exactly what she was doing. But the one thing she couldn't pretend to be good at was chess. And yet she still had the audacity to play Mary. Marlene and Alice were rubbish at chess and never much cared for it anyway. The real competitors were Dorcas, Peter, Mary, and James. Once every school year, when the weather outside was too ghastly and there wasn't much else to do, they would have an all out tournament in the Gryffindor Common Room. This year Lily wanted to make to the finals. It killed her that a boy that couldn't pass potions and waddled after James and Sirius like they were gods had knocked her out in the first round.

Mary agreed to help her after she saw how genuinely frustrated Lily was with the whole thing. But after sitting with her in the dirt by the lake for over an hour, her small patience was beyond its capacity.

"Lillian," she snapped, "the reason this isn't working is because you refuse to see what's right in front of you." She pointed the Lily's king. "You are so worried about protecting the king, that you barely play your pawns. You are _supposed_ to use your pawns, Lily."

"I don't know why you aren't in Ravenclaw," Lily sighed in disappointment as she eyed the chessboard.

Mary frowned, "The hat offered for me to be in Ravenclaw. I opted not to be in a house where they valued knowledge above all else."

"I didn't know that."

"You never asked," she said simply. "Look, there's no point in playing chess unless you are willing to take a risk. You should protect your queen and king, but the point of the game is to slaughter the other team, not square even. It's a game of risk. That's why McKinnon hates the game and why Potter and Black are so good at it."

"Then why is Peter so good?" Lily exclaimed, her pale face reddening with anger.

"Because he plays his opponent's weakness against them. They all expect that he will stumble and that they can just sweep him. But I have a feeling Pettigrew knows exactly how to get by," Mary said darkly, her large, pale blue eyes widening for emphasis.

Lily frowned, her thin eyebrows furrowing together as she did.

"I still don't see what I'm doing wrong…"

"That's your problem, Lily," Mary murmured as she leaned back on the tree behind her. She closed her eyes softly and let out a soft sigh as the sun darkened her already warm brown skin. "You always see the little things, but miss the bigger picture."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Lily admitted, throwing her hands up in aggravation.

A small bright white appeared on Mary's face. It was remarkable, but it was a startling contrast from her skin tone.

"Exactly."

Not in the mood for Mary's psychological mind games, Lily put away the Wizard's chessboard and headed back to the castle. Mary didn't open her eyes, or say anything to stop Lily; she just let her go, knowing what Lily was annoyed at most wasn't Mary, but herself.

She and Mary were the only ones that weren't going to Hogsmeade, so she had no one else to spend time with. Mary wasn't going because she hated shopping and would much rather sit outside and get a darker tan. If Lily were honest with herself, she would admit the reason she wasn't going was because she didn't want to see James and his girlfriend…but Lily Evans wasn't the type to be honest with herself. She couldn't understand where these feelings were coming from, and wished more than anything they'd stop. But until they did, Lily couldn't be around James at all. Just one look at his arrogant smirk would make her positively boiling with rage.

As she walked with the Wizard's chess box held securely under arm, Lily stopped paying attention to where she was going. Her frizzy red hair was down and, as usual, was covering half her face. So when she turned the corner to the library, she didn't see that there was somebody else walking and therefore had no time to avoid them. Her body crashed into the tall person, the chess box slipping from her grip and falling hard to the cold floor. Letting out a groan, she eyed the fallen box, the parts of which had spilled all over the floor. Lily opened her mouth to apologize, and perhaps make a joke about her damn hair getting in the way to ease the tension, but as soon as she brushed her bushy red hair behind her ear and out of her face, she grew stiff. It wasn't just anybody; it was her ex best friend, Severus Snape, the hook-nosed, greasy-haired boy she hadn't spoken to in months despite his various attempts to get in touch with her.

"It's my fault," he volunteered, his voice much softer now that he wasn't with his Slytherin friends. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah," she breathed, looking at him briefly before dropping to the floor to pick up the fallen chess pieces and put them back in the box.

"Here," he began with a strong undercurrent of guilt as he bent over, "let me help."

"No," she told him sharply, not looking at him. "I don't need help."

"Lil—" he started.

But she didn't let him.

"Don't, Severus. You picked your team. Don't come over here and act like I'm any different from any other Muggleborn that you and your friends hate."

He was taken aback by the honesty in her voice. "Lily, that's not true. You know that's not true. _You're my best friend_." His voice broke slightly with overbearing sincerity.

"Not anymore."

"That's because of stupid Potter!" he spat hatefully, his black eyes growing full of loathing. "If he hadn't—"

"I was coming to defend you!" Lily cut him off aggressively. "It's not his fault! He didn't make you treat me like trash! He didn't make you ignore me when your slimy friends are around! He didn't make you stay quiet when Rosier tried to curse my skirt off in fourth year!" Her voice grew deadly quiet. "He didn't _make_ you learn awful spells to hurt other people…I've seen your potions textbook, Severus, that's sick! James Potter can be an arse, but he wouldn't actually physically hurt someone unless they attacked first."

Snape was shocked. His already pale face grew gaunt and nervous.

"Lily…you can't… You can't mean that. You can't like him, Lily-"

"This isn't about Potter!" she shouted furiously. "Don't you understand? You broke this friendship! My friends never understood why I even associated with you. Even Marlene, who always kept her mouth shut about you, said it wasn't healthy to be friends with someone that was going to be a Death Eater… That's what you're going to be isn't it? One of those hooded people I read about in the Prophet that hunt down innocent Muggleborns?"

He didn't answer that question. Instead he stammered, "Just…promise me you won't be friends with Potter… I can't bare that."

"I'm making no such promise," she told him vigorously. "I can be friends with whomever I want… Our friendship has been over for a long time, Sev," She said, her eyes filling with tears. "I just didn't want to admit it because I loved you so much, but that's over now."

"Lily," he tried, reaching for her.

"No," she told him firmly taking a step back. "Don't write me. Don't talk to me. Just accept that this is over and can't work."

His face-hardened in agony, and his lips were trembling.

"I can't, and I won't Lily. I said I would always be friends with you, and I meant it."

"Well you should have thought of that last year," she cried faintly.

"I'm sorry Lily. I'm so sorry. I swear I—"

She shook her head, swishing her wand to collect the chess pieces, and moved away from him. "It's over Severus. Just…stop."

Then she ran, the chess box swinging under her arm violently as she did. By the time she made it to the girl's bathroom, she was full on sobbing. Her lip was shaking as she panted heavy breaths through her flood of tears. Soon she would calm down, go to the library, read, and focus on getting herself together. But right then, she didn't think about her future, or academics, or anything of the sort; all she could think about was the fact that Severus had hurt her just like Petunia had. As she slumped down the wall, she cried freely, knowing no one would walk in to interrupt her. She let herself go to the dark spot of herself that believed it was her fault. That people, once they got to know her and had been around her a long time, always just left.

She told herself it wasn't her fault, but at the end of the day it was hard to point the finger anywhere else. Severus had been her friend for years, and then one day he wasn't but still acted like he was. Lily knew he _did_ love her, and that he didn't want to hurt her…but it still happened. And they were past the point where words and intentions would be enough to fix everything. He was headed down a dark and dangerous path that she couldn't and wouldn't follow. It broke her heart. It really did, but there was nothing she could say or do anymore. She just wished in vain that she had said or done something to stop him from becoming this person when she first saw signs of him changing. But in all reality, there was nothing she could have done.

So she cried. Lily Evans cried until her throat grew dry and her face felt raw. Her whole face was bright pink and tender from tears. Crawling over, she grabbed a handful of toilet paper and blew her nose several times. She was exhausted and wished for nothing more than to disappear in the bathroom and sleep there forever. There she'd never have to see Snape's face. And she'd never have to face just how much she'd lost.

* * *

Outside of the castle about two hours earlier, anyone who was anyone was leaving the castle to go to Hogsmeade. Most girls were dressed in short, skimpy clothing that made Professor McGonagall's lips thin, but the boys didn't mind in the slightest. Soon, as they all knew, fall would come and any warm weather would be knocked out in an instant. So for once, McGonagall said nothing and simply let the students through to the carriages.

"If they made your life into a book, what would the title be?" Dorcas asked inquisitively, bouncing over to walk with Remus, James, and Sirius at the carriages. Her big brown eyes were wide with excitement as her dark curly hair fell onto the front of her semi-revealing top.

"I know what Prong's is," Sirius grinned wryly. "_Does the Carpet Match the Drapes: One Man's Quest to Slay a Redhead_."

"Not anymore," James shifted away from the question uncomfortably, as his girlfriend was talking to her friend a mere few feet away from them. "What about you, Padfoot?"

Sirius placed his arms behind his head, to accent his growing muscles.

"_One Man, One Closet, One Great Shag: The Tale of a Debonair Sex God_."

Remus busted out laughing.

"Your ego is the size of the entire western seaboard."

"I just know what I am, Moony. What about you, Meadowes?" Sirius asked her. "_One Midget's Pursuit of Men Twice Her Size_?"

"No, Black," she told him coolly. "I have far more important things to worry about than men."

"That top you're wearing says differently," he snorted with a smirk.

Dorcas rolled her eyes.

"Aren't you supposed to be going to Hogsmeade with Mar?"

Sirius frowned guiltily.

"Where is she? Isn't she always with you?"

"Sirius Black, you're an idiot," Dorcas sighed, walking away.

Sirius raised his hands in annoyance.

"Why does everyone always say that? Bloody bird."

James clapped a hand on Sirius's back supportively.

"It's alright, Paddy, you're a lovable idiot."

"Thanks, Prongs!"

"Anytime," James pointed to the tall blonde walking and talking with Fabian Prewett. "There's Marlene, by the way."

Sirius frowned.

"What is she talking to Fabian for?"

"I wouldn't know, but I'll see you later, mate," James told him absentmindedly as he went over to see his girlfriend.

Sirius's face furrowed in disappointment as James swooped down to kiss her. It wasn't that he didn't like Sylvia. She was very pretty, with long blonde hair like Marlene's, a button nose, large green eyes and high cheekbones. And she was also the top of the fifth year class, so she wasn't stupid, either. There was just something about her that rubbed him the wrong way. He couldn't put his finger on it, but there was something missing. They looked good together, and her kind, quiet self complimented James's loud personality well…it just wasn't right somehow.

It wasn't that Sirius believed, as Marlene did, that James would be perfectly matched with Lily. It was that it just didn't fit together to him. He knew his best mate better than anybody, and Sirius knew that he could find someone that was better for James. He didn't know what the difference would be, but he knew without looking that it existed, and it needed to be found.

"Going without me?" Marlene asked Sirius as she walked up next to him. "What?"

Sirius shrugged.

"I'm surprised he's still dating her."

"James has to be absolutely sure that he couldn't love Sylvia before he lets her go."

"You think he's going to let her go?" Sirius asked, curious to hear her opinion.

"Well it's kind of hard to fall in love with someone when you're already head over heels for someone else," she pointed out as they climbed into an open carriage.

"I just don't see what the big deal is," he scoffed getting in behind her. "Evans has got nice legs, and she can fill out a bra alright, but she treats him like he's dirt. He's better off with the blonde twit he's snogging now."

Marlene took a breath to calm herself before smacking Sirius on the arm.

"Ouch! I'm just telling the truth!" He rubbed his arm. "You have damn boney hands, McKinnon!"

"You are such a prick, Sirius."

"You keep acting surprised, like you haven't known me for years!" he laughed.

Marlene sighed and rested her arm out the window.

"I guess I just wish sometimes that you weren't a two dimensional person."

Offended, Sirius scooted closer to her as James, Sylvia, Remus and Peter got into their carriage.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing." She shook her head, her blue eyes hardened in subtle anger.

James and Remus shared a look, but they said nothing. Wrapping his arm around Sylvia smoothly, James smiled as she laid her small blond head on his chest. He was happy. It may have not been exactly what he was expecting, but it felt nice to like someone and have her like him back for once. It wasn't anything deep, and she never pressured for him to make it anything deeper than what it was. He appreciated that.

At first he was unsure if he could move on from Lily; he'd loved her so deeply for so long. He didn't think he'd find anyone that he was even interested in, but then when he was walking through the train looking at the girls, he saw Sylvia. Even now, he knew if he fell in love with her he wouldn't love her as much as he loved Lily, but he was willing to try. Still, he had hoped by now he could change his mind. But the problem wasn't his mind that needed changing…it was his heart. And that was the one thing James couldn't fix, no matter how much he wanted to. If he didn't start to feel differently soon, then he would end things. It wasn't fair to her to just love her a little bit.

If James Potter was going to love someone, he was going to do it with his whole heart, not just bits and pieces.

* * *

Sirius was planning on having a fun date with Marlene. He didn't exactly plan what they were going to do, but he knew that if he went with Marlene they'd find a way to have fun. But sometime in the two hours between lunch and changing for Hogsmeade, Marlene had gotten a slight edge to her speech. He didn't know why, but he could tell that something was bothering her and after awhile it was beginning to bother Sirius. Even after going into the Quidditch shop, she was still no fun. So he finally decided that enough was enough.

Sirius grabbed her arm and pulled her into the alley behind the Quidditch shop. "Now I'm not going anywhere else with you until you till me what's up your ass."

"I'm fine, Sirius," she sighed in a monotone. "I just have a headache."

"Bullocks. You've been a bint all day." He crossed his arms. "Now just spit it out so we can go to The Three Broomsticks and watch James make a fool of himself."

Marlene wasn't going to say anything. She really wasn't; she was going to just hold it all in and just act like nothing was wrong, but she found she couldn't. After lunch she'd gotten a letter from her sister, and it just set her off. So she snapped.

"Everyone else can do what they want. They can be a bitch; they can be selfish; they can only look out for themselves; but if I dare to try to do anything, anything that might be remotely weak, no one will let me," she breathed furiously, her eyes growing dark and angry.

"My sister told me I should quit Quidditch and focus on other things. She literally told me I was being selfish by having my own life and that I should be trying to find a husband." Marlene paced hysterically as she moved back and forth. "I'm sixteen years old! And she's serious!"

Sirius wasn't sure what to do. He'd always had a way with girls, but none of them brought any real emotions to the table. And when he actually sat back and thought about it, Marlene was the only girl that ever bothered to be his friend. All of them were perfectly fine with spending a few minutes snogging him in a closet, but she was the only one who had been there for him. His selfish instincts told him to pat her on the back and walk away. He had learned not to get attached to anybody and run from any sort of commitment, but somehow along the way James and the others had made that difficult. Sirius also couldn't forget the image of her jumping in front of him when his father tried to strike him down. It was so instinctual, so genuine. There was not a fake bone in Marlene McKinnon's body, and it threw him off completely.

So even though every impulse and his body told him to go, he stayed and leaned against the brick wall.

"McKinnon, talk to me."

"I snogged Fabian last week," she admitted guiltily, "and I didn't feel a single thing. He's cute… Why didn't I feel anything? I wanted to, and yet there was nothing."

"I don't know…"

"Why can't I be you?" Marlene questioned, her eyes filling with tears. "You can snog anybody mindlessly, without a single care in the world! Why can't I be like that?" She let out a cry of frustration. "I just want for once to get it together in some way…but no! I worked my ass off to get on the Quidditch team, and now that's selfish. And Gibson originally didn't even think I was good enough for the position. You want to know why? Because I'm pretty," she scoffed.

"What does that even mean?"

She let out a dry laugh.

"That since I'm not ugly, I'd be spending too much time on my hair or something to focus on Quidditch. Bullshit, right? I get that from _everyone_. At work, at school, at home… It's like everyone is personally offended that I look like this, but I didn't ask for it, okay? I don't want creepy old men leering at me, or strangers saying inappropriate things to me. I don't like it and I don't want it!"

"I didn't realize that was a real problem," Sirius frowned thoughtfully.

"Well it is! Every time I'm in an elevator, guys pretend to jerk forward so they can feel me up. It's disgusting! But am I allowed to be offended? No! Of course not, because I should be thankful that I'm attractive," She growled. "I'd rather be ugly. It's not like I get hot guys or any of the perks, anyway. And at home, I'm like a slave. My mom is really sick, and do my siblings help? Oh no, that would mean they'd have to get off their over privileged arses and see that we don't have a house elf anymore because we can't afford it!"

He paused and crossed his muscular arms.

"What do you mean?"

Marlene stopped her urgent pacing, her eyes widening to caught-in-the-headlights standard. "…Uh…nothing."

"No, really, what were you talking about?"

She shook her head, and scratched the back of her neck uncomfortably. "Nothing…Just forget it, Sirius."

"No, McKinnon—"

Marlene tried to walk past him, her eyes downcast as she tried to avoid him, but he caught her arm, his grey eyes flickering as they fixed, giving her his full and complete attention.

"Mar," he spoke gently, his low voice forcing her to look up, "talk to me."

She bit her lip, and he put his hands on her shoulders so she couldn't escape.

"My mother is sick," Marlene whispered, her eyes growing red and bloodshot from stress, "and my grandmother wouldn't help pay for her hospital bills. So my dad used his entire family savings, and it still wasn't enough. So now he works two jobs to pay it off."

"Why did you keep that to yourself?" he asked, gripping her shoulders. "You should have told somebody. You know you can talk to us."

Marlene shrugged sheepishly.

"I just…I didn't know how to…I didn't want to bring you guys into my problems…"

"McKinnon, there's no reason for you ever to bear something like that on your own," he told her, fiercely staring into her eyes. "You taught me that remember?"

She frowned.

"I didn't know what to say…"

"Then just say whatever is on your mind. You can't hold everything in all the time; it's not good for you. If you're mad at somebody, yell at them. If you're upset, show it. You aren't selfish, Marlene. If anything, you are too selfless sometimes."

"I know…" She wiped her face and relieved a breath of stress. "I know."

"And maybe the reason you felt nothing when you snogged Prewett is because he didn't do it right."

Marlene let out a laugh, her depression fading slowly.

"Oh yeah, that's exactly the reason…"

Sirius didn't even think about it. He scooped her up in his arms and pulled her into a warm tight hug. Laying her head on his chest, she sighed and loosely wrapped her arms around his waist. Sirius flipped her hair off her shoulder, and kissed the very top of her forehead. They stayed like that for a few minutes. Though they rarely hugged, Marlene had never felt so comforted in her life.

"You'll be okay. You're sister's just an idiot," he reassured her tenderly, rubbing her back.

"I know…I know," she laughed as she pulled away. "I was just being stupid and letting everything get to me."

Sirius smirked, "Clearly if you let Prewett snog you, you're out of sorts."

Blushing, she took a step back.

"No, he was fine. Pleas don't tell anyone about that… I just…I didn't feel anything. Do you always feel something when you snog somebody?"

Sirius shrugged, "I'm a guy, it's not really that emotional. It's physical; if she's hot and willing, then it's on."

"It must be nice to have it that easy."

"It has its advantages." He smirked brushing her hair behind her shoulders. "But you're probably just one of those weird people that need to like the person you're snogging."

"You've never liked anyone you've kissed?" She asked, her chest tightening.

His lips curved into his usual smirk, as his eyes twinkled with sparks of danger.

"Not a single one."

"Well—"

"OY!" James called from the street, "You two! We're going!"

Sirius offered her his arm.

"Shall we?"

"Sure."

* * *

Arriving at The Three Broomsticks, Marlene, James, Sirius, Sylvia, Remus and Peter sat in a table by the back. Marlene moved to go talk to Dorcas, as she could see her sitting with Alice in the back with a bag of Honeydukes sweets, but Sirius placed a hand on her knee to stop her.

"What?" she sighed so only he could hear her. "I know I kind of…freaked out a minute ago, but I'm fine now…I just needed to yell. Let me go unwind with Dorcas."

"And leave me with the couple?" he spat in a whisper. "I'll wrestle you down myself."

Scowling, Marlene elbowed Sirius as he wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

"Idiot."

As Marlene and Sirius talked amongst themselves, James ate in silence. Remus and Peter were discussing something at the table, a debate of some sort, but he couldn't care less. His mind was on different things and different people. Sylvia tried to coax him into talking as she noticed he was distant, but it didn't work. He simply smiled at her and she went back to listening to Remus and Peter.

"I'm going to the loo," Sylvia told James.

"I'll go get some drinks," James said. "What does everyone want?"

"Butterbeer," they all chorused in unison.

As soon as he left, Sirius immediately said, "Okay what the bloody hell is with Prongs? He's acting strange."

"I dunno," Remus shrugged with a frown. "Maybe he's worried about next week."

"It's happening to you, not him," Marlene commented so only they could hear. "It's definitely something else."

Sirius eyed James at the bar.

"Did he run into Snivellus or something?"

"I don't think so, but Remus and I weren't with them all day," Peter mentioned in between large bites of food.

"Maybe he's figured it out," Remus said, looking at Marlene.

She nodded sadly.

"I think he has."

"Am I missing something?" Sirius asked, moving his arm off of Marlene's shoulder and moving forward.

"You're always missing something, Sirius," Remus smirked, "but this time it's more obvious."

Sirius groaned. "

Lily? Really? This is all about _Lily_?" He threw his hands up in aggravation. "Seriously?"

"Yes, Sirius," Marlene laughed. "He loves her; you can't just make that go away."

"You make love sound like an incurable disease," he scoffed finishing off his Butterbeer.

Remus shrugged, "Sometimes it is."

James sat at the bar a moment too long. It was bothering him all day. He tried to ignore his feelings, but the longer the day went on, the more they began to build. First he thought he was imagining it, and that he simply refused to let himself be happy. Why couldn't he just be satisfied with a girl that actually liked him? Why was he always looking for a problem when there wasn't one?

Before he could go back to the table, Sylvia came over to him. Her big green eyes were darker than before, full of wisdom and knowledge that was far too much for a fifteen-year-old girl. She put one of her hands on his and frowned.

And he knew it then, from the center of his gut to the core of his heart, that he would never be able to get over Lily Evans. It wasn't something he could explain to someone else. There were a million girls in the world; all of them had something to offer, whether it be brains, beauty, or charisma. Take Sylvia, she was wonderful person and any guys are lucky to have her, but from the moment he first saw Lily it was like he was hooked. He thought about her all the time, and whenever he saw her he lit up like a Christmas tree. Before this year he'd do everything possible to get her attention, from drawing their names in paint on the Quidditch field to sending her singing sonograms.

This year he had taken a step back because, obviously, his previous attempts failed miserably, and he finally started to date someone else. Recently he had stayed away from Lily out of respect for his girlfriend, but still he'd steal glances at her. He didn't even do it on purpose; it was completely involuntary and uncontrollable. James would be in the middle of class, and he'd look up just in time to see her answer a question, her face poised and passionate about whatever subject she was talking about. It was like no matter what he did, he would always be drawn to her. And that wasn't fair to Sylvia. Not fair at all.

"James?"

"I'm sorry," he said simply, looking down at her in remorse.

She sighed and leaned back against the polished wooden counter.

"It's not working, is it?"

"It's not your fault…I know it's a line, but it's really my fault. I just don't want to lead you on when my feelings haven't changed."

"It's Evans, isn't it?"

He nodded.

"I wish it wasn't."

"Well…thank you for telling me early," she said, shifting her weight.

"Sylvia, I'm not going to tell you that someday you'll find someone, or any of that crap…but I will say I wish that I felt differently, because you're one hell of a girl."

She smiled and reached up and kissed his cheek.

"I hope you get her, James."

"Thanks."

Sylvia walked out of the shop, a faint sadness on her pale face. James grabbed the drinks and went over to his friends.

Marlene noticed the change first.

"Where's—"

"We broke up," he told her swiftly. "And no, I don't want to talk about it."

Sirius gave an approving shrug. "Fine, then can we please talk about the next prank? Because I'm getting more and more bored by the minute over here."

"Sure, Padfoot," James sighed. "Sure."


	10. Distance

_I wish we would just give up, 'cause the best part is falling. _  
_Call it anything but love. _  
_And I will make sure to keep my distance._

**-Christina Perri-**

* * *

The only thing Lily Evans hated even more than being wrong was admitting something was her fault. Growing up her mother's favorite was always Petunia, and although at the time Lily was close with her sister, she still found it annoying. '_Oh, Petunia couldn't have possibly done that!_' her mother would say. But then as soon as Lily did something wrong, her mother would always bring it up in a later argument. She'd tell her, '_Oh Lily you said that last time_!' Or, '_Lily, I still don't trust you after that one time…'_

It was infuriating.

She'd never wanted to be the golden child; it was far too much pressure for her, but at the same time she didn't want to be the bad kid. And in Petunia's tall boney shadow, Lily, the top of her class, one of the prettiest girls in her age, was seen as _the other sister_. Her cousins and other relatives weren't necessarily _mean_ about it. It was just kind of a known fact that Lily wasn't the favorite. The only one who never gave into that was her father.

As a psychology professor, he knew the side effects from showing favoritism between his children, and he often tried to sabotage his wife's attempts to do otherwise. By the time Lily was ten, though, it was already perfectly clear to her that at any moment she could be accused of something Petunia did, and that she was always going to be blamed for something she didn't do. When her mother died, everyone huddled around poor Petunia; no one but her father even noticed that she was there, too.

Lily was used to having fight to prove her worth, but one thing she was never going to get used to was how continuously wrong she was about James Potter.

Lily sat in the library, working on what was left of her homework in perfect silence. She had spent the whole day curled up in her favorite armchair and was beginning to get restless. Tendrils of wavy, red hair was falling out of the thick rubber band she was using to keep it out of her face. Rubbing her eyes, she cracked her neck and pushed her books forward out of her reach.

At that moment, she thought she should have just studied with Marlene and Dorcas. She didn't know why she always pushed herself away from them. They always invited her along wherever they went, but she just felt the need to distance herself. Maybe she just thought it was better to have barriers; or maybe she just couldn't take getting close to friends, only to lose them like she had with Severus and Petunia. Either way that left Lily all alone, with nothing but the emerald sweater her grandmother had made her to keep her company.

Pushing herself away from the desk, Lily looked outside at the grounds that were covered in fallen leaves. It looked so nice…like the cover of a postcard, but it was chilly out, and she knew she would just end up jumping in leaf piles instead of doing her homework if she went outside to enjoy it.

Off in the distance she saw four boys sitting by the edge of the lake. Immediately without a single hesitation, she knew who they were. From what she could make out, Lily saw James and Sirius wrestling as Peter and Remus cheered from the sidelines. Inching closer to the surface of the window to get a better look, an unintentional smile crept onto her face and she watched James get the better of Sirius. For the next few minutes they fought, and Lily found herself giggling at the tactics the pair of them used. Once or twice one of them would tag out Remus or Peter. James's tag in was Peter, and Sirius's was Remus. James fought Sirius and then after a few rounds Remus came in. But James never tagged Peter in, not even for a minute.

As Lily watched the Marauders rough housing on the Hogwarts grounds, someone watched her from afar. He watched her amused expression, shifted to see what had caught her attention, and then left, furious.

Lily never saw that. She just kept watching, even when Remus and Peter headed back towards the castle, and it was just Sirius and James. In the space separating them, Lily allowed herself to feel openly. She allowed herself to watch the pair of them, both dark haired with matching grins on their ridiculously good-looking faces, sitting by the oak tree hovering above the lake. Sometimes, when she looked out the window late at night, she'd see them walking around the Forbidden Forest in deep conversation and wonder what they were talking about. A few times she'd see either Remus or Peter with them, but usually it was just them. Lily envied their friendship; they were more like brothers than friends. It was so natural and effortless and…beyond words. Everyone knew they'd lay down their lives for one another, and it seemed crazy to her. They were only sixteen, how could they have so much… trust in one another?

"Lily?" Alice called curiously, stepping towards her while fixing the back of her short, dark hair.

Lily jumped and packed all of her things away.

"Hey, Alice. I was just leaving. I've been here far too long!"

"Are you alright?" Alice laughed as she watched Lily's erratic organizing.

"Of course!" Lily replied in a pitch much higher than her normal one. She tossed her bag, stretched to the limit with books, over her slender shoulder and briskly walked away. "I'll see you later!"

Alice laughed again, watching Lily storm away in disbelief.

* * *

An hour later, just before the sun went down, Marlene and Dorcas were sharing the sofa, facing opposite directions. Dorcas was reviewing material from the beginning of the month; her dark hair was back in a messy bun, and her glasses, which she only wore when she was reading, were slowly slipping down her nose. Her short legs were curled into the side of the couch, while Marlene's long, sweatpants-covered legs stretched out in the open space. Marlene's sunny hair was shifted off to the side as her perfectly shaped eyebrows furrowed in concentration on the last chapter she had to go over.

James and Sirius marched into the common room soaking wet, both of them shaking with rage. They seemed to be having a heated debate, but about what it wasn't quite clear.

Marlene and Dorcas looked up from their transfiguration textbooks in confusion. Dorcas spoke first, "What the hell happened to you two?"

"Snivellus," Sirius growled, his lip curling in pure loathing. "That sniveling git…_I'm going to kill him_!"

"Just ignore him!" James insisted, drying his glasses off as he clenched and unclenched his jaw. "I hate him too, but it's not…it's not worth getting expelled over, alright?"

Letting out a low whistle, Marlene leaned forward.

"Again? Merlin, he's really trying to pick a fight with you two."

"First there was that oil spurt he trapped them in," Dorcas interjected putting down her book and slipping of her thin-rimmed glasses. "When was that? That was back in September wasn't it?"

"Yeah," Marlene nodded closing her own book. "And then he cursed your ears into doubling their size…. And what did he do last month? He tried to jinx a desk into beating the crap out of you, didn't he?"

Dorcas grimaced.

"That was really bitchy, but not as bitchy as what he did two weeks ago… Potter smelled like manure for a week."

"It's the end of October now… Hasn't he given up on this tirade yet?"

"Obviously not," James spat hotly, ending their verbal conference. "I don't know what is up his greasy arse. I haven't done anything to him all year!"

"I'm going to kill him," Sirius repeated in a deathly serious tone, his chin locked in fury. "This was the last straw."

James sat down in small space next to Marlene, buried his face in his hands, and let out a strangled groan.

"That's what he wants, Padfoot, can't you see that? He wants to rile you up. Just ignore him. Don't give into it."

Sirius twitched with irrevocable fury as he plopped down on to the armchair across from them, his wet black hair plastered to his face.

"I _can't_ ignore _this_, Prongs."

"We have a prank that will do just fine, remember?" James told Sirius, though he himself wanted to do nothing more than ring Severus Snape's neck until he crawled back into the hole he came out of.

Sirius didn't think it was enough…not nearly enough. They'd done a dozen pranks all year, but they were never this targeted or as vicious. The worst one was when they dyed all the Slytherin's teeth green and that was only bad because it didn't fade for a month…and spread to anyone they snogged.

"Here," Marlene took out her wand and dried Sirius and James off. She rubbed James's shoulders concernedly. "You cold, Jay?"

"I'm going to take a shower to scrub off the feeling of the giant squid rubbing its tentacles all over me…" James visibly shuddered. He gave Marlene's hand a squeeze and went up stairs.

Sirius leaned backward in his chair, his right foot tapping on the floor impatiently and his bright grey eyes were searing into the ceiling. Dorcas and Marlene shared a look. Marlene moved her book to the floor and went over to sit on the coffee table in front of Sirius. Lily came down from the girl's staircase and filled Marlene's empty space.

"Sirius?" Marlene sighed, looking at him carefully. "Talk to me. You're scary when you're quiet…"

Lily frowned and whispered to Dorcas.

"What's wrong?"

"Snape nearly drowned Potter and Black in the lake." Dorcas shrugged, "I guess Black is trying to suppress his inner serial killer."

"Dora," Marlene snapped giving her a dirty look, "not helping."

Dorcas rolled her eyes and put her hands up in innocence.

Lily's chest tightened, and a gust of guilt rose up from her stomach.

"Snape did that?"

"It's not that shocking Lily," Dorcas said, picking up her book. "The guy is a petty slimy little git, and he will do whatever it takes to get them kicked out."

"I'm surprised they didn't fight back."

"Oh we did," Sirius piped up coldly from the other side of Marlene. "We gave him a scar that he won't be able to take off."

"You sound like a Death Eater," Lily snapped unintentionally.

Sirius's entire face darkened and his eyes hardened. "How the _hell _would you know Evans? You think just because you're a Muggleborn you have any _idea_ what they are capable of? If you did you wouldn't compare me, defending myself against that scum of the earth, to _them_."

Marlene frowned and stood up.

"Sirius, come on. Let's go."

"Where are we going?"

"For a walk. You need to cool the hell off," she informed him as she heaved him up to his feet, linked arms with him and left the portrait hole.

* * *

"Snape is going after them, because of me," Lily admitted in a flush of guilt as soon as the door shut. Her big, emerald eyes were shiny as they turned onto Dorcas. "He thinks it's their fault that we aren't friends anymore."

"Lily," Dorcas began, "You shouldn't be telling me this; you should be telling Potter. He's the one that's dealing with the bullshit that came along with it."

Lily glanced up at the boy's staircase anxiously.

"I…I can't, Dor."

"Lily, for a Gryffindor, you are a fucking chicken," Dorcas told her bluntly. "I haven't the foggiest why you are so petrified of Potter. He's a gawky, Quidditch-playing, sixteen year old boy. I'm pretty sure you could take him…I'd even say you could without a wand."

"It's not that," Lily sighed, running a hand through her hair nervously.

"Oh," Dorcas grinned importantly, seeing her involuntary gesture, "I know what _that_ is."

Lily laughed at Dorcas's expression and asked, "What is it?"

"Lily Evans can't face James Potter, because for once he didn't do anything wrong."

"That's ridiculous!" Lily scoffed, crossing her arms, not able to look at Dorcas's incredulous face.

"You're ridiculous, Lily," Dorcas said, shaking with laughter. "I've never met someone who was so afraid to admit that they're wrong in my life… _You're human, Lily._ You're supposed to fuck up and make mistakes."

Lily's face grew red with anger.

"I know that!"

"Then why are you so deeply and utterly ashamed to admit you've miscalculated something and done something wrong?"

"Oh sod off!" Lily said, moving her hair into her face and avoiding looking at Dorcas's.

"Fine," she said arrogantly. "Prove me wrong then. Go up there and tell him what's going on."

Lily bit her lip.

"What the bloody hell am I supposed to say?"

"I don't know. Why not say, 'Hey so I know I hate you because you're obnoxious and in love with me, but my ex-best friend who is also in love with me-"

"SEVERUS IS NOT IN LOVE WITH ME!" Lily roared, "We were never anything like that!"

"Maybe _you_ weren't, but _he sure as shit was_. ANYWAY," Dorcas readjusted her sitting position. "You should probably just tell Potter the truth, since he seems to be the only one keeping Black from murdering Snape."

Lily blinked, "What do you mean?"

"Just now," Dorcas pointed at the portrait hole, "Marlene is talking Sirius out of taking out all of his childhood aggression and bullying nature out on a more than worthy victim…And she's doing that so the next time Snape provokes him, he isn't already amped up to attack." Dorcas sighed, "And poor Potter—"

_"Poor_ Potter?" Lily scoffed folding her arms.

Dorcas sent her a dirty look. "Do you know how hard it must be on him? He has to not only control _himself_ from attacking Snape, but he also has to stop his best friend at the same time… He's better than you give him credit for."

Lily looked troubled, and she stared away.

"I'll be right back."

"Well I'm going to head to bed," Dorcas told her, "so I'll just see you tomorrow."

"Okay."

Lily sucked up all of her pride, and forced herself up the boy's staircase. When she got to the correct door, she rocked back and forth on her heels. She did not want to do this. She did not want to this _at all_. But she had to. This was her fault. Snape would fight with them anyway, but not like this. This was charged and specific, and all because she defended them to Severus.

She knocked on the door timidly.

"Potter…um…I need to talk to you," Lily said quietly, standing in the doorway.

"Uh…come in," an uncertain voice responded.

Lily opened the door and glanced around. No one else was there, just James. He was sitting on the edge of his bed taking off his shoes, his glasses on the tip of his nose. Though he had said he was going to take a shower, he still didn't even change out of his school clothes. He was too mad.

"I came to talk to you about what happened earlier," Lily told him as she hovered in the doorway.

"I'm not in the mood, Evans," James told her as he tossed off his tie and fell onto his bed. His tone wasn't harsh, but more annoyed. "Your buddy has been a royal prick to me, and I haven't retaliated, okay? I've done everything I can to walk away. Alright?"

"It's...It's my fault."

"…What are you talking about?" He asked pushing his glasses up higher on his nose and sitting up to face her.

She frowned, her big oval green eyes filled with regret.

"I had a row with him two months ago…and I said… Well, I set him off."

James froze and looked up at her. He didn't know what she was doing there at first, but he assumed that she was going yell at him. Lily had never sought him out to do anything else. Her intention was always to correct him, to fix him, to change him. But at that moment he didn't recognize her at all. She looked so lost and helpless; James wanted nothing more than to hold her, but he didn't. He just looked at her heartbroken emerald eyes and wondered what had gotten her so upset.

"What happened?" he asked, gesturing for her to come in.

She tiptoed over nervously, leaning against the bedpost.

"I ran into him and he tried to convince me to be his friend again…"

James scowled.

"Bloody idiot! He never should have said what he said."

"He apologized and said it was your fault that the whole thing happened in the first place," she said, the words flowing out of her mouth before she could stop them. "James," His heart accelerated at her use of her first name, but his face showed no sign of this. "I defended you and…he took it that it meant that the whole thing was your fault…I'm sorry. It isn't your fault…you shouldn't have bullied him, but he still had no right to say what he did, or go after you and Sirius the way he has been."

Taking a minute, James thought over what she said, and he had come to the conclusion that she was wrong. So he took a breath, and fearlessly, he said, "What Snape does isn't on you, Evans. He's his own person, and he makes his own decisions. You can't take the blame for what other people do."

"I know," she said softly looking down at her kitten slippers. "_But_… I set him off."

"You were honest with him," James shrugged. "If he can't handle that, then he can't be your friend. Your friends are supposed to be honest with you."

Lily's eyes lifted from the floor and onto his hazel eyes. The earnest look in his eyes made a tense knot form in her stomach. "…Yeah, I know."

"It sucks to let go of a friend… I don't understand why you were friends with him in the first place," James said bluntly with a shrug, "but sometimes you outgrow your friends."

"When did you _get_ like this?" Lily asked in awe.

James blinked in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"You're, like…" she grimaced, her eyes scanning him for signs of deceit, "…smart."

"Well I'm one of the top in the class," he grinned arrogantly.

"But you're not _the_ top, are you?" Lily countered, knowing perfectly well who was.

James laughed, the sound was so full of life and cheerful that Lily couldn't help but smile, too.

"You have me there, Evans."

Lily was about to say something else to him when she realized what she was doing. She was standing in James's Potter's bedroom, talking to him about her personal life. What the hell was wrong with her? Was she was about to tease him? Flirt with him, even? She had completely lost track of who the hell she was if she was derailed enough to talk to Potter. Taking a step back, Lily fixed her hair absentmindedly and cleared her throat.

"Well…um, thanks, er…Potter. I'll see you around."

He laughed again, "Since we have every class together, I'm sure we will, Evans."

"Uh, yeah."

"Now, don't think this means I'm not going to strike back if he hits me," James told her warningly as he started to unbutton his shirt. "I may try to walk away, but if he starts it, I'm sure going to finish it."

"_What…what are you doing_?" Lily whispered in alarm, her eyes fixed on the few inches of his chest that she could see.

James didn't understand. He frowned, "I'm going to go shower, Evans…"

"Oh…right." She put her hand on her face and walked backwards towards the door. "Sorry."

"You are more than welcome to stay," he smirked, his shirt fully unbuttoned, leaving a line of skin she'd never seen before in perfect view.

Lily flushed, "You're a jerk, Potter!"

"And you were looking, Evans!" James shot back cheekily as she slammed the door.


	11. Tornado

_You grow from the inside_  
_Destroy everything through_  
_Destroy from the inside_  
_Erupt like volcano_  
**-Jonsi-**

* * *

To say that tensions between Gryffindor and Slytherin and never been higher would have been a bit of an understatement. In three weeks, Gryffindor would the competing in final Quidditch match of the first part of the season…and of course, they would be playing Slytherin.

Already in the past week, somebody had hexed Rick Vance so his eyes wouldn't open and all of his blond hair fell out; Ed Hughes ingested a large dose of vomiting potion, which left him stuck in the hospital wing; and James and Sirius were dodging curses and jinxes every time they left the common room.

But that only hardened their resolve.

"Let's go, let's go," James ordered the team like a troop of soldiers. "You know the drill: follow Marlene through the forest and try to keep up."

"Today, we will be doing three miles," she began.

Everyone except James groaned.

Marlene's blue eyes narrowed on them as she straightened her long blond hair into a ponytail.

"Look, you pansies, we are playing Slytherin soon. Not Ravenclaw, not Hufflepuff, _Slytherin_."

"We know, McKinnon," Sirius rolled his eyes as he leaned against a nearby oak tree.

"So I'm going to need you guys to be in good shape," Marlene continued as if Sirius didn't interrupt her. "After three miles, we're going to do drills."

"Prongs," Sirius moaned pathetically, giving his best puppy dog expression. "Can't—"

James sighed, "Shut it, Padfoot. Marlene's in charge of fitness, so all of you, fall in."

After a collective sigh of irritation, they all did as instructed. James had an air of authority to his voice. It wasn't always there, but once James started playing with Marlene he naturally fell into the leader role, a role he had never really shook.

The seven Gryffindor stomped through the treacherous forest. Everyone was crawling in his or her skin to be so close to the deadly creatures; only Sirius and James felt perfectly at home sprinting in the winding, branch-lined path. They almost reached the beginning of the forest, when Sirius's ears perked up as he heard someone sneaking through the edge of the forest. In an instant, Sirius's snatched his wand out of the waistband of his shorts and shot a spell into a bush. In a flash Sirius dragged a frozen fifth year Slytherin out of his hiding space and over to the others. His face was dripping with sweat, and his dark black hair was stuck to his face, curling from the amount of moisture on skin. The look of rage and contempt was clear; James stepped forward and put an arm out to stop him before Sirius could say a word.

James flicked his wand and unfroze the Slytherin.

"Now I don't suggest you do a whole lot of moving, or my friends here will probably injure you far worse than I will."

The boy yelped, his pale brown eyes pulsing in fear.

"I…I was just…"

"Spying on us, so you could pick which one of us you could hurt," Sirius finished for him coldly.

"Who was your target?" James sighed, the disappointment evident on his good-natured face, as he squatted to be eye level with the boy. "Just tell me, so I don't have to drag you to a professor and make them get it out of you."

He bit his thin bottom lip; shakily, he looked at the ground and muttered, "The girl… They wanted me to hurt the girl."

Marlene's face paled, and Sirius immediately moved in front of her, followed closely by Rick Vance. James's throat tightened, and flashes of anger passed in his eyes as his wand went into the boy's chest.

"And what," James asked darkly, "did they tell you do to her?"

"Nothing permanent I swear!" he squealed nervously. "Just scare her."

Marlene began to walk away shaking her head furiously. Rick walked with her and the rest of the team followed, while Sirius and James stayed behind to deal with the little pest.

"And why would you do such a thing?" James asked, troubled by the young boy's lack of resistance. "What do you have against Marlene?"

"Nothing," he stammered nervously, as he backed far away from Sirius. "She's just a Gryffindor blood traitor-"

Sirius said hotly, "She's a _what_? Would you care to rephrase your words before I rearrange _your face_?"

"I'd listen to him," James told the boy grimly. "He tends to be almost lethally loyal."

The boy gulped, "Okay…They told me that if I was a true Slytherin I'd do what they told me."

"And like a true Slytherin, you gave them up instantly," James scoffed and held up his hand to stop the boy from speaking. "You shouldn't attack an innocent person, anyway. So either way you look at it, you're scum. Get up." His lip curled and he gestured for him to rise. "I'm sending you straight to McGonagall."

"They'll get you for this," he said, not as a threat, but more as a fact.

"It's not anything new," James spat at him as he and Sirius lead the boy out of the woods.

* * *

An hour later, Sirius and James walked along the edge of the forest in thick woven sweaters and jeans. James stuffed his hands over his dark green sweater into his pockets. Sirius crossed his arms over his pitch-black sweater; he was practically shaking with anger.

"We have to do something, Prongs."

"And what's your great plan, Padfoot?" he snorted cynically. "You think we should just hex the load of them? Do you think that will stop them?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes at James.

"And what's your plan, James? Talk them to death? That's a real load of help! That stops all fights, doesn't it?"

"Padfoot, you need to calm down."

"Calm down?" Sirius breathed incredulously. "Marlene is your best friend. How the hell are _you_ so calm?"

James took a large breath and stopped walking. He then looked his best mate in the eye and tried to implore him to see reason.

"If they hit us, we hit them back. That part has always been simple, but they sent a _kid_ to do their dirty work. I don't know what's specifically gotten into your knickers. They've always bothered us, especially with Quidditch."

"I'm tired of it, Prongs," Sirius said. "I've never minded their games. I've actually enjoyed getting the better of the Slytherins over the years, but I'm not going to stay quiet much longer."

"I'm not asking you to stay quiet," James let out a laugh as he clapped Sirius on the shoulder. "Merlin knows you wouldn't know how to even if you tried…I'm just saying you should find the fun in revenge. Come on, mate! Let's prank them hard, and hex them fast!" His smile faded slightly. "There was no harm done; you have to look at it that way or you're going to drive yourself mad."

"That will work for the rest of the house," Sirius admitted with a smirk as he thought of what they could do. "But what about Snivellus?"

A shadow of darkness passed over James's face and he let out a heavy breath.

"Padfoot, we've been over this a million times."

"Well let's push for more, shall we? I always do fancy to push the limits a bit."

"If he attacks, you can attack him back. Quit making it more complicated than that."

Sirius let out a strangled scream before giving James a look.

"_Or_ we could teach him a lesson that would _make_ him learn his place in the world, and get his slimy, greasy hands off our backs."

"I said no, Sirius," James said firmly.

"Is this because of Evans?" Sirius questioned, placing his hands on his hips. "Because really mate, I think it's high time you let go of that bird… She's really dragging down your priorities."

Letting out a burst of laughter, James shook his head.

"Just don't, okay? Now let's get some lunch. I know you're hungry."

"Shit," Sirius swung his arm over James's shoulder, "I'm always hungry. I feel like I should be constantly eating…like I should have a house elf around me at all times, specifically to give me all of my favorite foods."

"That's a wonderfully self-serving idea there, Paddy," James grinned. "And I support every word of it."

"Francesco Francesko thinks so as well."

James rolled his eyes, "I bet he does, you big git."

They started to head back to the castle, and everything seemed back to normal. Sirius was back to his usual devil-may-care self, joking and laughing with his friend, but James knew better. There was a fire burning in Sirius, waiting for the opportune moment to strike out. James had done his best to diffuse the situation, but he knew it was just a matter of time before Sirius snapped.

James knew his best friend well. It was hard for him not to break that Slytherin's face when he heard what he was planning to do to Marlene. She'd been his best friend forever, and he had a natural brotherly instinct to protect her at all costs. But he was also trying to be the better person…to be a better man. His father always instilled the belief in him that there were always situations where, if he took a step back from them, he'd realize the correct path to take. But it wasn't that easy. He was naturally impulsive; James Potter always threw himself into everything. But the energy he was using to hold back Sirius was draining the energy he would have used to restrain his own inclinations. For a moment, as the sun hit the side of their faces, James started to worry about himself.

What if they attacked Marlene? Not _said_ something or _tried_ to, but actually _did_ something to her? Would he be able to stop himself from reacting? Would he trust that they would be able to protect her?

But he supposed that question could expand to include everyone he loved and be able to be applied to the growing threat of Voldemort. James ran a hand through his messy, wayward hair, and Lily's face flashed in his mind. Soon, he forced himself to focus on his conversation with Sirius. There would be days, dark days, where this would be something he couldn't walk away from, but for now he just wanted to have a good laugh with his best mate as they walked to get lunch. And that's just what he did.

* * *

"What is that you have there?" Dorcas asked, bolting over to sit next to Remus in Great Hall. "I always see you lot messing with that old piece of parchment." Her brown eyes lit up with curiosity. "What's it about then?"

Remus eyed her wearingly.

"Because suddenly you and I are _such_ good friends that I must share my secrets with you."

"And whose fault is that, Lupin?" she asked him quirkily. "You're the one who's always all broody and loner-esque."

His eyebrows raised, "Loner-esque?"

"Yes," Dorcas said as she made a swipe for the Marauder's Map.

"Please," Remus scoffed at Dorcas, "I grew up with Sirius, you have to be more resourceful than to _just _grab it."

"I doubt very many people make a grab for anything of yours," Dorcas muttered under her breath.

Lily laughed under her breath, but then blushed when Remus glared at her.

"_What?_ It was funny!"

"I'll remember that when you want to go chocolate shopping with me, Evans," Remus told her snidely as he cut up his lunch.

"Don't be like that, Remus," Lily pouted, reaching forward to squish his cheeks.

Remus's face broke into a smile as he swatted away her small hands.

"Keep those twigs away from me!"

"You know, some men would kill to have me squish their chubby cheeks!" she told him mockingly.

"Just one man," Remus retorted slyly, "and he's headed this way, actually."

Lily threw a chip at his face. "Tosser!"

"Damn, Evans!" Sirius announced upon his arrival. "Language!"

"Because you're such a disciple for good behavior," she shot at him darkly.

Sirius slid into the seat in between Remus and Marlene.

"Actually, I am. You could learn from me, Evans."

"Said the King of Detention."

"Co-King of Detention," James interjected with a wide smirk as he sat down next to Remus. "You can't just give that title to one of us. I believe we've both earned it."

"And you're _so_ very proud of that," Lily said rolling, her eyes.

James leaned forward to see Lily, a hint of mischief twinkling in his eyes behind his glasses.

"We can't all be foxy gingers, Evans."

"Enough you two, before I vomit," Dorcas grimaced feigning disgust.

"Are you going to stop us, Meadowes?" James asked, raising his eyebrow suggestively.

Dorcas laughed at him, "You are ridiculous, Potter."

"Don't lie, you love it. I think you want a piece of this." James rolled up his sleeve to fix a small but very defined muscle, which might have been attractive if he hadn't been biting his lip when he did it.

"Ohm yeah," Dorcas leaned forward with a wink. "That's a real nice _bone_ you have there."

While Dorcas and James continued talking, Sirius turned to look at Marlene. She wasn't ever the loudest in the group. That right was normally reserved for James, Sirius and sometimes Dorcas. But it still was obvious to Sirius when she wasn't putting her two cents into any of the conversations around her.

"You alright there, McKinnon?" he asked, nudging her ribs.

"I'm fine," she muttered as she avoided his gaze.

Sirius frowned, and his mouth opened to say something to her when Emmeline Vance's delicate hand rested against his shoulder. Her long eyelashes fluttering, Emmeline said, "Sirius, I was wondering if you were available this evening."

Sirius twisted in his seat and he smirked at the blond.

"Arrangements could be made. What did you have in mind?"

"Oh I don't know," she trailed her finger down his chest suggestively, "I'm sure we can think of something…"

"Hey, Slag!" Dorcas snapped at Emmeline from across the table. "Why don't you get your grimy hands off Black before you give him a skin rash, yeah?"

Sirius let out a low hardy laugh, he gave Dorcas an amused look and then he rose from his seat to walk out with Peter and Remus. There wasn't a chance in hell Sirius Black was going to get in between them. James rushed over to talk to Fabian Prewett about something, leaving Marlene and Lily to wait for Dorcas. Emmeline turned on the brunette, her face portraying none of the hostility she felt, but it was clear by the way her painted nails were digging into her perfectly moisturized palm that she was livid.

"Do you have a problem, Meadowes?" Emmeline asked coyly. "If you want a quick shag with Sirius, I'm sure he'd been more than willing to do you a favor."

Dorcas's tan face's darkened as her eyebrows furrowed in anger.

Lily let out a low groan as if she'd been hit by that insult personally. Then she slid into the seat next to Marlene.

"That was a low blow."

"A galleon says Emmeline gets the last word," Marlene muttered to Lily, as she scooted back away from the fight.

"I don't know…Dorcas never backs down from a fight," Lily commentated.

Marlene shrugged in agreement.

"Yes, but Emmeline _always_ gets the better of her."

Dorcas either didn't hear them or was ignoring them. Everyone around them had left since lunch was long over.

"Well, _Vance_, I'd hate to take away your practice time. I know you need make sure you are ready to go at any moment."

"You know, I am fortunate. _I_ don't have to wait years for someone to offer."

"No, they just wave a flag and you streak on over."

"Speaking of streaking," Emmeline said swiftly flipping her pale blond hair, "did you happen to see that girl on the train?"

"Hooo, shit," Marlene giggled under her breath, clapping her hands over her face.

Dorcas smiled, a catlike smirk spreading across her little face.

"What about her?"

"Don't you have a tattoo on your calf, Meadowes?" Emmeline asked innocently.

Lily's mouth opened as she tried to figure it out what Emmeline could have meant, but Marlene didn't give it enough time to stew. She bolted to her feet, grabbed Dorcas and Lily and walked out.

"Come on, girls," she laughed. "We should go."

"What the hell, Mar!" Dorcas whined, "Why'd you make me leave?"

"Why do you hate her so much?" Marlene countered to distract her.

"You should talk!" Dorcas scoffed. "You look like you were going to hex off her arm."

Marlene furrowed her eyebrows.

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh come on, Mar, everyone can see you and Sirius have a thing!" Dorcas said bluntly. "Lily, back me up on this!"

Lily let out a short laugh. "As much as I would love to I have to go to a prefect meeting." She gave Marlene a sympathetic look. "I'll see you guys later."

Dorcas rounded on Marlene as soon as Lily disappeared down the hallway.

"I don't know why you even fight it."

"We are friends, Dorcas," Marlene said sharply. "_That's it._"

Dorcas shook her head as she moved faster to keep up with Marlene.

"Oh really? Then what's with all the sexual tension between the two of you?"

"Sirius has sexual tension with everyone."

"Not like you two do. It's almost as bad as Potter and Lily."

Marlene laughed, "It's not _that_ bad…And you should talk! You were flirting with half of the Marauders today."

"I always have to bust Potter's balls," Dorcas shrugged as they walked into the Gryffindor common room. "It's the only way to keep his ego working correctly. With Lupin, I was just wondering what that parchment he has does. They are always carrying it around and whispering into it. Why? What are they hiding?"

"Who are you…Nancy Drew? Why is it your mission to figure out every mystery?"

Dorcas smiled brightly, throwing an arm over Marlene's shoulders.

"Because what's the fun in life without a bit of adventure?"

"Says the girl that wears heels everyday," Marlene groaned looking down at Dorcas's feet. "Don't they kill your feet?"

She shrugged and continued walking up the girl's staircase. "They used to, but they got used to it."

Shutting their dormitory door, Marlene shook her head in amusement.

"You're an odd one, Meadowes."

* * *

Remus and Lily headed to the prefect meeting huddled in their own private conversation. Remus's skin was paler than normal, the dark circles under his eyes prominent and obvious.

"So it's coming up soon," Lily muttered so only Remus could hear her.

Remus nodded grimly.

"Tuesday."

Lily linked arms with him warmly and gave his arm a reassuring squeeze. "It will be okay. You know that, right?"

"I always worry every time…I never get used to it."

Lily said nothing, her eyes mirroring the deep sadness she felt. Her stomach turned with uncontrollable guilt. If she could transform for him, she would. It wasn't one of those friendship promises that she would take away if she were actually given the chance to do so. Lily would sincerely take any potion or spell in order to take away even a small morsel of Remus's monthly pain away. Instead, she just sat next to him in the meeting and when his eyes would drift to the floor she would slip her hand into his and squeeze. She hoped that this did something, but in the back of her mind, she knew it didn't. She knew that Remus was far too depressed about the week to come to be soothed by this simple of a gesture, but she hoped she was wrong. Remus was one of her best friends, and it killed her to see him in such agony.

After the meeting, Remus walked with Lily to the library.

"You worry too much, Lily."

"I just wish I could help you," Lily whispered.

"I know, but Lil, you don't have to fix me." Remus paused and put his hands on Lily's shoulder. "I want you to think about the fact that we are going to spend the rest of the day studying. I don't want you to think about my problems…Okay?"

Lily pulled him into a hug like a little kid. "Okay."

"Lily," Remus laughed and wrapped his arms around him, "I'm fine."

"I know."

Remus looked up, and then shook with laughter. "Then why are you hugging me?"

"Because whether you know it or not, you need it."

"You are, like, seven years old."

Lily scoffed as she hugged him tighter.

"I'm at _least_ eight years old."

"Come on!" Remus tried to walk, but Lily wouldn't let go.

Then he turned and began to walk backwards towards the library. Lily never let go. She started laughing as he lugged her halfway down the vacant hallway before pausing. He found he could go no longer. His depression disappeared, as a bright grin appeared on his face as he looked down at Lily.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked, unable to sound the least bit angry.

Lily looked triumphant; her bright green eyes were beaming.

"I wanted to cheer you up."

"And so you did."

"Now," she released him, adjusted her sweatshirt and gave him a dirty look. "Come on, Lupin! We mustn't neglect our studies! You always get us off track and derail our work!"

Remus crossed his arms with a smirk, "Oh, I do? _Me?_"

"Yes _you_, you sorry excuse of a prefect!" she said in a perfectly serious voice, her face betraying her pure enjoyment.

"Oh? Well I guess I'm just a menace to society!"

"Yes," she agreed.

Remus said, "Well I suppose you wouldn't be game to race me to the library, then?"

"Certainly not," Lily said, her lips twitching into a smile.

"Then I guess I'll have to make you!" Remus declared as he propelled himself into a run and chased Lily all the way to the library.

* * *

The day of the full moon, Remus wasn't as lively or as happy as that library visit with Lily. He was partnered with Marlene in Potions and she had to keep poking him awake.

"Remus," she sighed, finally sick of jabbing him, "please just go to the hospital wing, or at least go back to the dorm."

"Can't," he groaned weakly, clutching his sides.

Marlene pushed a strand of blond hair out of her face and stared at him anxiously. "I know you're only staying here in case you miss something that will be on an exam. Remus, you can just borrow my notes."

"It's fine," he whispered between clenched teeth.

Marlene's hand fluttered for a split second before dropping back down to the desktop. She then let out a sharp sigh and continued taking notes. Her hand had moved involuntarily to rub his back, but she stopped herself. It wasn't her job to comfort him or make him feel better. If he wanted her help, he'd ask; she needed to learn to not coddle everyone all the time.

Sometimes she wished she were more like Dorcas. She was so headstrong and sure of herself. She dared to do things, to put herself out there and not give a damn what anyone else thought of it. Marlene wished she were more bold and fearless like Dorcas, but she wasn't. She was Marlene "Safe, Never-Anyone's-First-Pick" McKinnon. It was funny; many girls insulted her for being pretty. Many guys made innuendos about her being on the Quidditch team. But nobody really thought she was anything special, just another pretty face among a bunch of friends who were equally as attractive.

She wondered to herself from time to time, when her looks faded what would she have to fall back on? What did she have that made her unique? Marlene didn't know, and as she tried to ignore Remus's grunts of pain, that troubled her.

On the way to her next class, Sirius caught up to her. She looked around for James and found him subtly helping Remus to the bathroom.

"I forgot how bad it gets," Marlene muttered to Sirius.

"I know… You didn't tell them, did you?" Sirius asked bluntly.

Marlene frowned, "Tell who what?"

"The girls...about practice."

"No, of course not," Marlene answered instantly, thinking of the looks on their faces. "They never let me go anywhere alone and freak out about every little thing. Lily acts like a mum, coddling me and saying nice things; and Dorcas would take that dad role by kicking their asses… I don't need that. I can take care of myself."

Sirius didn't dispute that. Instead he questioned, "And you don't think James and I would do the same?"

Marlene was thrown off by this question. Uncomfortable, she shifted her books in her hands and said, "I'm sure you would, but it doesn't have to come down to that."

"The way things are going it might."

"Oh quit being so melodramatic!" Marlene pushed him with a smile. "I'm fine. It was days ago! They didn't even do anything to me."

Sirius shrugged, "The whole bunch of them are evil if you ask me."

"The world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters, Sirius!" Marlene growled in frustration. "Everyone is more complicated than that. Even Snape."

Sirius scoffed and set his handsome features in a scowl, folding his arms as they walked into class.

"Doubtful, McKinnon. He's just a grease ball with a wand," He smirked sitting down in his usual seat next to Peter, leaving James's seat open for him.

"Who is?" Peter asked eagerly.

Marlene rolled her eyes and sat down in front of them.

"No one, Pete."

Sirius grinned, "McKinnon—"

Marlene didn't get to find out what Sirius was going to say, because at that moment Mary, Alice, Remus, and James entered the room. Mary and Alice sat down in the row in front of Marlene, still in deep conversation about the next Charms Club meeting. Opening her mouth to start talking to them, Marlene caught the scene behind her in almost slow motion.

Lily and Dorcas were in the doorway when Snape flicked his wand, making Remus fall forward out of his chair. He flipped forward and cracked his face violently on the cold, hard floor.

"Who sent that spell?" Professor Flitwick demanded in the least intimidating voice, popping out from his office. "I will search all of your wands! Mr. Pettigrew, please escort Mr. Lupin to the hospital wing!"

James and Peter rushed to their feet to help Remus up. His face was exhausted and hollow, his worn hands cupped his broken nose almost pathetically. Remus's robes hung off him as his boney body arms wrapped around James and Peter's shoulders. He was so weak, so helpless, and so defenseless. It was like kicking a toddler, cruel and heartless.

Sirius inhaled sharply as Snape silently cackled with the Slytherins across the room. A vivid flash of pure, unadulterated hatred crossed Sirius's face. Snape didn't see it; he was too busy enjoying his handy work. James, Peter and Remus didn't see it; they were too busy trying to leave the room. The only one who saw it was Marlene, and it sent a cold shiver of warning down her spine as she watched the thin hold Sirius had on his self control break.


	12. In My Veins

_Everything will change._  
_Nothin' stays the same._  
_And nobody here's perfect._  
_Oh but everyones to blame._  
**-Andrew Belle-**

* * *

"Sirius?" Marlene asked, as they stood up to leave class. "Where are you going?"

"Check on Remus," He said stiffly, leaving the room in a flash.

Lily furrowed her eyebrows. "He was acting weird."

"Yeah," Marlene nodded, looking at Sirius's retreating back in concern. "He was."

Sirius didn't have a plan, but one grew within him from every step. He wasn't going to teach Snape a lesson. After the stunt Snape just pulled he didn't want Snape to learn a single damn thing. All he wanted was for him to suffer like he just made Remus suffer. It was one thing to pick a fight him or James. They always were more than game to fight back, but Remus was different. Remus didn't believe in fighting, he always believed that communication was the key to it ending all debates.

So it really shook Sirius to his core that Snape would cold-blooded enough to pick on some as sick as Remus. Sirius wouldn't ever say he wasn't a bully. He would like to claim it was because of his upbringing, but he knew it was more than that. It was something deeper, something he didn't work hard enough to control.

By the time Sirius dropped by the hospital wing, he knew exactly what he was going to do. He didn't walk in. One look inside was all he needed. One look at Remus's disheveled form, and James's troubled face and Sirius grabbed Peter from the chair by the doorway and walked away with him.

"Sirius…what the hell…" Peter muttered as he stumbled after him. "What are you doing?"

"We," Sirius began through, "Are going to have a bit of fun."

Peter was ecstatic to, for once, be singled out by Sirius. He went along with the plan blindly, not asking what they were doing or why. All he thought of was the fact that for once he was going to be included in something, something that Remus and even James were being left out of. Finally it was his turn to be the star of a prank, and he couldn't hold back his excitement.

* * *

Across the castle Lily was sitting with Marlene in the Gryffindor Common room. Marlene sat on the floor while Lily was perched on the sofa above her, her hands twisting Marlene's long hair into plaits. Everyone always asked Lily to do their hair. She had a talent for it that her mother had taught her when she was little and she loved using it whenever possible.

"Thanks for doing this Lil. I've always been rubbish with my hair." Marlene said softly.

"I love playing with hair…it's like playing with dolls all over again." Lily smiled.

Marlene laughed thinking of her childhood. "I was never into dolls. I think that's a muggle thing."

"Or the fact that you were surrounded by girls so you already had girls to play with." Lily added wistfully, "It must have been nice having so many siblings."

"Not really…I mean don't get me wrong I love my family, but I'm only close with my brother Rick. My sisters drive me mad."

Lily said, "How so?"

"They are so …self involved. They don't think about anyone other than themselves…I mean they do think of other people..." Marlene sighed wearingly, leaning back as Lily tugged her hair tightly. "I just get along with Rick better."

"I get it."

"How's your dad doing?"

Lily grinned, "He's good. I wrote him yesterday. He had a student he said reminded him of me."

"Student wise or daughter wise?"

"Both. Apparently, she was very opinionated and saw him after class to see if she could do anything for extra credit."

"That's adorable."

Lily said then tucked in the last strand of Marlene's golden hair into a hair tie, "All done."

Marlene patted her hair and beamed. "I love it!"

"You can't even see it!" Lily snorted scooting back to the arm of the couch.

"Yes, but I trust that my best friend wouldn't allow me to look awful."

Lily frowned, "Well Dorcas isn't here."

Marlene turned and glanced at Lily with large dismayed eyes. "Lily, you both are my best friends, and if you want the truth you two have become better friends than I am with either one of you."

"That's not true." Lily scoffed, crossing her arms in disagreement. "You're Dorcas and Marlene."

"Yes we are, but you forget a name on that list…Yours." Marlene said, her eyes not wavering from Lily's. "But she doesn't talk to us about the same things. She never talks to me about her family, I think she feels too guilty."

Lily looked away, her eyes full of tears. "That's not true...You don't have to say that."

Marlene pushed herself up off the floor and she slid in the small space next to Lily. "I don't have to say anything Lils," She placed her hand over Lily's. "I'm just telling you the truth. I love Dorcas, and she is one of my best friends, but I think you're blind as a bat if you don't see how big your part of this friendship is."

Lily didn't mean to say it. It was always on the tip of her tongue, but she never said it. She never dared to cross that line. Always was too terrified about what she might find because it went hand in hand with the idea that everyone she was close to left her. But after watching how James and Sirius took care of Remus…After watching how much they all cared about Remus…It had been bothering her the whole day. Lily needed to know why Marlene and Dorcas were such good friends and why time and time again she was denied that. And now she was glad she said it. Marlene's blue eyes were soft, but completely and entirely sincere. There wasn't a hint or a single drop of deception on her long pale face.

Marlene went on to say, "I know you think that there's something wrong with you, because your sister and Snape betrayed you…but that's not because of you Lily. They were just not meant to stay in your life."

Lily's lip trembled, and she tried to look everywhere but at Marlene. "I knoww that."

"No," Marlene insisted, "I don't think you do. I think you push yourself with academics and school so that way you won't have to think about being alone. Because you think you deserve this somehow." Her grip on Lily's hand tightened as she forced Lily to look at her. "And you really don't have to do that, because you have friends…We love you and no one deserves to not have friends, especially not you."

"I just," Lily gulped, her cheeks reddening. "I'm being selfish…but when I saw Remus fall down like that, and I saw the boys rally around him…"

Marlene nodded knowingly. "You wondered if anybody would do that for you."

"And I know how stupid this sounds…I do. I really do. And I know I should have been thinking of Remus, and I was at first because I am always worrying about him…but then it just hit me and I've put it off all day..."

"When you bottle stuff up like that Lils, it tends to come out harder later." Marlene smiled sympathetically.

Lily laughed, wiping the small tears out of the corner of her lives. "I know…I know."

"We love you Lily and you need to stop making yourself think anything otherwise." Marlene then reached forward and tugged Lily into a hug.

Again Lily laughed wrapping her fair freckled arms around Marlene's waist as she rested her head on Marlene's shoulder. "I know. I'm being ridiculous."

"Everyone's insecure about something Lil…" She hugged her tighter, "It would be wrong if anyone was completely confident with everything about themselves."

"Thanks Mar." Lily hiccupped as her crying halted to a stop.

"And don't _ever_ think that if that happened to you no one would care or that no one would do something," Marlene told her pulling away to point at her. "Because even if you take away me…Dorcas, Mary, Alice, and all of your other friends there is still someone, who you don't even like, who would stand up for you."

"If you're talking about Potter…" Lily scoffed rolling her eyes, her tone lightening up.

Marlene nodded, with a smirk. "Of course I'm talking about James."

"He's an idiot." Lily laughed, all sadness gone from her face.

"Yes he is, but he's an idiot with a heart of gold…" She then begrudgingly added, "They all are. And though you should admire their bullshit brothership, you shouldn't be jealous because you have something better."

Lily furrowed her orange eyebrows in confusion. "What?"

"Dorcas and me!" Marlene announced throwing her arms up in the air.

Her mouth opened to retort a teasing remark, but Lily didn't say it. Once she saw James walking through the portrait hole Lily bolted up to her feet. She didn't even know why, but after seeing him shirtless a few days earlier she couldn't look him in the eye. Lily's face flushed and she gave Marlene and awkward sort of wave before rushing up the girl's staircase without a single explanation as to why she had to leave in the first place.

"What's with Evans?" James asked dropping down to sit in Lily's vacated seat. "She always runs when she sees me lately."

Marlene snickered under her breath. "Well I hate to say it James, but she still kind of can't stand you."

"Yes, but at least before she'd bother to fight with me." James feigned a pout, his hazel eyes looking incredibly small and pathetic. "This is boring."

"You'll be alright!" Marlene snorted.

There was a beat of silence and then James totally changed. His easygoing attitude shifted, and dark shadow was on his face as less pleasant thoughts surfaced.

"How's your dad handling the attacks?"

James frowned, running a hand through his hair anxiously. "I talked to him yesterday…It's getting rough. I keep telling him he should retire. He's too old to be fighting in a new war."

"I thought as Head of Auror office he wouldn't be on active duty."

"He shouldn't but he is…" James leaned forward, his glasses slipped down his nose so he pushed them back up. "And my mum is pushing herself too hard at work…I worry about them. You know they both were up for retirement years ago."

Marlene gave him a look and said, "I also know that you are going to be just like them when you find what you want to do for a living."

James shrugged sheepishly. "I guess when we know what we want no one can talk us out of it…"

"You can say that again…" She teased.

He pushed her with a grin. "Sod off."

"But really, you seem off. Is there something else bothering you?"

"I just have a bad feeling about tonight."

Marlene questioned, "You do this every month. What's different now?"

"I just can't explain it…It's just in the back of my gut…I'm probably just overanalyzing it." He attempted to shrug.

"More like being your usual overdramatic self." Marlene ruffled his hair, "But at least that means you're back to normal."

James stood up, stretched and shrugged with a big smirk planted on his face. "I suppose I'm back to being magnificent!"

Pushing herself off the sofa, Marlene gave him a warm glance before locking him in a hug. "Be careful tonight you hear?" Marlene whispered into his ear.

James tightened his grip on her, "I'll try, but you know me."

"Yes I do, which is why I said to be careful," She laughed, letting go of him and punching his shoulder jokingly.

"I will Marls." Though he was barely taller than her, James pretended to stoop when he kissed her forehead.

Marlene watched James strut out of the common room and off to join his brothers. She waited for a moment, thinking of Remus's situation, before heading up the girl's staircase to interrogate Lily.

* * *

James met with Sirius and Peter at the bottom of first floor staircase. His stomach kept turning over and over again, getting more and more vicious with every twist. He knew he had no reason to think that tonight wouldn't be like every other night. After all they always had a blast during full moons, which was why he really couldn't understand why there was a bead of sweat building at the back of his neck and why his palms were clammy.

"You two ready?"

"Yep." Sirius grinned sharing a look with Peter.

James furrowed his eyebrows at them, but shook his head. He was being ridiculous. Nothing was wrong. The incident with Marlene just threw him off was all it was. Everything was fine. Everything was fine when the three of them popped under the invisibility cloak. Everything was fine when they went across the grounds.

By the time they arrived at the Whomping Willow, he was laughing with Sirius and Peter about the professional Quidditch finals, and had almost forgotten all about the feeling nagging at bottom of his throat. But then there was a small sound that no human could have heard, but his enhanced senses caught onto.

James's head snapped as he searched for the culprit, but he saw nothing, not even a small woodland creature. Sirius clapped a hand on James's back merrily. "What's up mate?"

"Do you feel like something's…_off_?"

"No mate, I think you're just overreacting." Sirius lied perfectly.

James shrugged and figured Sirius was right. "Let's go then. Remus should be fully turned and ready to go by now."

James crawled in first; he was unable to shake how he was feeling, but he tried to ignore it as he looked for Remus. He found Remus and frowned. Remus was crouched down low by the end of the tunnel. His face was incredibly pale and he was shuddering with pain as his body prepared for the excruciating transition.

"How are you feeling pal?" James asked quietly wiping the sticky sweat off of Remus's twitchy forehead with his sleeve.

"I'm…I'm ookay." Remus wheezed, in between sharp breaths.

James kneeled down in front of him and held his onto Remus's hand for a brief moment to give him some silent support before saying, "We'll go set up, upstairs, and we'll switch off visiting you until your Moony alright?"

"Ok…James," He said in a childlike manner, holding his boney limbs together as he softly shook.

James walked with Sirius and Peter up to the main floor. He dropped a duffle bag behind the dented kitchen cabinet and asked, "Is it just me or this one going quicker?"

Sirius and Peter busted into laughter, unable to keep back their amusement.

"What is it?" James laughed at them.

They didn't answer.

James became irritated and demanded, "What the bloody hell are you two on about?"

"You're gonna love this Prongs!" Sirius howled with laughter. "So I had this plan, and don't worry I kept you out of it…But he's about to enter the tunnel!"

"What? Who?"

"This is classic!" Peter giggled in delight.

Sirius answered, "Snivellus! He's about to walk into the tunnel-"

"YOU MEAN THE TUNNEL REMUS IS TRANSFORMING NEXT TO?!" James screamed, his face pulsing with enragement.

Sirius paled and for the first time he looked a bit unsure of his plan. "…Well…_yeah_, it's just for a bit of a laugh Prongs…"

James bolted out of there so fast; he nearly knocked them over and half tripped on a half eaten rug in his pursuit.

"PRONGS! IT'S JUST A LAUGH!" Sirius called after him.

His pulse jumped in his throat, his arms swung back and forth madly as he sprinted down the stairs to the tunnel. It was too late, Remus was fully transformed and rising. The smell of a human must have triggered him to turn early.

"NOO!" James roared at Remus, distracting him. In a flat second, James transformed into a stag and used his antlers to thrust the werewolf hard out of the way.

Snape was halfway through the tunnel. His eyes grew large and full of horror. He stepped back, but he was shaking so hard he tripped. The werewolf shook his large angled head, shocked by James's blunt actions. It would only take Remus a few seconds before his mind shifted back into predator mood. At that point there would be no limit to how hard and how fast he would tare the place apart to get to Severus.

And there was no way in hell James was letting that happen. He hated Snape more than he'd ever hated anyone else in his life, but he wasn't going to let him die. Not like this.

Before Remus could get up, James shifted back into his human body, snatched Snape by the top of his collar, his face red from furious anger and shouted, "RUN!"

Snape didn't argue, but seemed to be frozen in fear, unable to look anywhere, but at the werewolf's round, pitch-black, primal eyes.

"SNAPE MOVE!" James ordered again trying to pull him away.

Severus couldn't, his whole body was locked into place, completely unable to do anything but breathe in uneven shuddering spasms. James panicked as the werewolf shifted back onto its four legs, preparing to pounce. A deep and hollow snarl grew from behind the werewolves gritted two-inch sharp teeth.

"GO!" James moved in a flash, pushing Snape out of the way, and dropping flat to the floor.

Snape flew into the dirty dusty wall so hard he cracked his head on it and bounced back to the floor. A rush of blood dripped down his stark white face and into his greasy hair. James used his Quidditch training well and as soon as Remus dove over him, he spun around and transformed in less than five seconds.

Normally Remus was able to keep his mind and play with the rest of them. But this wasn't playful, this was purely animalistic. The werewolf wasn't playing around, it was out for blood, and it wasn't James's blood it wanted. It was Snape's.

Somehow the werewolf knew that James wasn't fully human. It understood that James was more of a threat so the werewolf tried to avoid him. It needed to center on its pure human prey. The problem for him was James wouldn't get out of the way.

James bowed his head, his antlers posed for attack, his hazel eyes rapt for any sign of movement. He didn't have to wait a single second. Remus propelled his massive body at James. Snape forced himself up, off the floor and stumbled into a clumsy run as James had told him. He ran as fast as he could but it was not nearly fast enough. As soon as he reached where the tunnel narrowed the werewolf's teeth clamped onto his shirt.

There had never been a minute in Severus's life when he'd been so scared. Not when his father was loaded and looking for someone to hurt. Not when Lily left him. This was pure fear. And it had caused his bodily functions to stop working properly. His skin was soaked in sweat, as the monsters teeth tore threw his shirt, centimeter's from getting cutting into him. He screamed, a loud high-pitched involuntarily cry. His eyes snapped shut as the end reached him, but then his shirt was ripped off of him along with the werewolf attached to it.

Out of nowhere, James galloped over, smears of his own blood were coating his fur as he picked Remus up and threw him across the room. It was then that Sirius joined in, his shaggy black dog form herded the werewolf as far away from James and Severus as possible. In the process Remus's paw cut threw the air and slammed Sirius against the room in a brutal attempt to get to James and Snape.

James transformed back to being a human, he gasped, and linked his arm around Snape's waist to help him out of the tunnel. Once they reached the entrance James pushed Snape up and out of the tunnel. It wasn't easy in the slightest. Not only was James not in his best shape, but also Snape kept falling in and out of consciousness. His breathing was frail and completely uneven.

"I'm…going…to kill…all of you…" Snape threatened as James dropped him on the grass.

"Don't try to move Snape." James snapped warningly.

He swiped his face on the back of his hand, and found a lot of blood. James sighed, and gritted his teeth. Anger fuelled his veins to the point where all reason was gone. In a fit of rage, he punched the immobile Whomping Willow so hard he heard the bones in his hand crack in agony. Letting out loud gut wrenching cry of anger, James began kicking the tree hatefully as if this was all the tree's fault.

"What are you doing?!" Sirius breathed hotly, as he crawled out of the tree's entrance. His cheek was bruised and he had a black eye, but he looked a hell of a lot better than James and Snape. "I managed to get Remus down."

James couldn't even look at Sirius. He knew if he did, he would lose his mind.

"Prongs?" Sirius asked lightly moving to check if James was injured. "How bad did you bust yourself up there? You-"

In a split second, James twisted around and with full force he decked Sirius in the face with his preciously perfectly well working hand. Now both of his hands throbbed in agony, but he didn't care. He needed to hit Sirius. He needed Sirius to feel just how angry he was. Sirius let out a loud groan, clutching his face as he cradled it into his hands.

"WHAT THE HELL PRONGS?! Are you mad? My face is my most important asset!"

James spat," You self centered SON OF A BITCH! YOU-COULD-HAVE-KILLED-HIM!" James gestured to Snape, who had fallen unconscious a moment earlier.

"OY MATE! Chill!" Sirius retorted rubbing his face carefully.

"LOOK-AT-ME!" James bellowed grabbing Sirius by his collar. "THIS ISN'T SOME JOKE! REMUS COULD BE EX-PELLED! SNAPE COULD HAVE DIED AND REMUS WOULD HAVE BEEN A MUR-DER-ER! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT WOULD HAVE DONE?!

"James," Sirius gulped in fear, all the color vanishing from his face. "It …It wasn't meant to go this far…He was just supposed to give Snevillus just a bit of a scare."

"A BIT OF A SCARE?!…I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS." James screamed, his whole body contorting in anger. "I have to clean up YOUR MESS! AS USUAL! I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN! Now I have to take Snape to the hospital wing, I have to go explain to the headmaster what happened-"

Sirius stammered, "You-"

"_You_," James said cuttingly, "Will stay here and take care of Remus, because as soon as he transforms back he will feel like shit. And_ that,_ is_ because, of you_."

"I didn't_ mean_-"

James's eyes darkened, and his eyes filled with heartbroken tears and he said, "You are better than this…." Then his voice turned not to hate, but to complete and total disappointment. "You _were_ better than this…"

"James," Sirius pleaded, his face full of tears, his voice cracking with complete desperation. "Please. You _can't_ mean that. Please-"

"I never want to speak to you again." James told him firmly, his eyes shining from tears. "And I suggest you stay the hell away from Remus when this is all over, if he even still goes here after what happened tonight."

And with that James wiped the fallen tears from his broke and blistered face, tossed Snape over his shoulder and strutted away without a single look back.

* * *

He had cuts and scrapes all over his body, he was pretty sure he had broken at least one of his hands, and maybe fractured a rib, but that didn't hurt nearly as much as what had just happened. Knowing no one could see him James sobbed silently as he staggered back to the castle. He knew something was wrong. He knew it, he felt it and yet he chose to ignore it. And now everything had fallen apart.

Fog and the bitter thirty-degree weather did nothing to James. The icy cold just edged the damage that was already done. Slipping on the frosty grass wouldn't have fazed him at this point. The only thing he could focus on was making it to the castle doors. If he could make it to those doors without breaking down completely he could handle anything. He could handle the fact that he just told his best friend, his brother that he would never speak to him again.

He had just lost the most important person in his life.

Marlene, of course, was a close second, but even she never was as close to him as Sirius was. It was like god had taken a part of himself and put it in Sirius. A part that was so essential and vital that nothing should have been able to break them a part. They understood each other completely and totally. There was never a time where he didn't trust Sirius or didn't have complete faith in him.

Until now.

Sirius had always been reckless, but this…this was unforgivable. Remus's life could have been destroyed by this…it still could be and all because Sirius wanted to teach Snape a lesson? How cruel and cold had Sirius become that he could see nothing but revenge? How could he be so sickeningly selfish?

As soon as he entered the castle, James headed for the hospital wing, by the time he'd reached it his legs started to quiver under all the weight. James waited until Madame Promfrey left the patient courters. Then he carefully laid Snape on one of the beds and headed off to Dumbledore's office.

In his head he tried to practice what he was going to say in advance. He would leave out the part about them being animagus's. All he would say was that Sirius had told Snape how to get into the Whomping Willow, and that he stopped it from going any further. And he would do everything he could to protect Remus from Sirius's ghastly mistake. Even if it meant lying and saying the whole thing was his fault.

He could live off of his inheritance, and live abroad. Whatever it took to save Remus from being casted aside he was willing to do. There was no version of this where he would allow Remus to suffer from this.

"Potter!" Lily scolded him, her red hair swinging in her wake, "What are you…" Her voice dropped off in alarm as she took in what a complete and total mess he was. "James…what happened."

"Evans," He gulped, his eyes red from crying, "_Please_ just move."

Lily hesitated for a minute before shifting out of his way. "Are you okay? Is anyone else hurt?"

"Everyone is fine Evans," He lied, walking onward.

"Potter, you don't look too good." She mumbled looking him over.

James didn't answer, he couldn't answer.

He just kept moving, kept breathing and did everything possible to ignore the shooting pains jolting from his heart. Leaving Lily, to watch him walk away with absolutely no clue what just happened.


	13. The Weight of Us

_I'm not ready, I'm not ready_  
_for the weight of us, for the weight of us_  
**-Sanders Bohlke-**

* * *

"Mr. Potter," Albus Dumbledore cleared his throat, his voice laced with deep disappointment. "Please explain to me exactly what happened tonight."

James swallowed and looked around the Headmaster's office nervously. "Today, Sirius," the name jammed in his throat, but he pushed on like it didn't matter, like nothing mattered.

"He told Peter, in front of Snape, how to get into the shrieking shack… I only found out it was happening when Snape was already through the tunnel…I picked him up and took him to the hospital wing."

"How did you receive your injuries?" Dumbledore questioned, pressing his fingertips together pensively.

"Running from Remus, but I swear sir," James pleaded earnestly, "He didn't know anything about any of this…"

"Did you?"

James frowned and said, "No."

"James?" Dumbledore asked clearly, his blue eyes scanning James for deceit.

"I didn't!" James cried running his hands through his hair furiously, his face red and stained with tears. "I swear! I hate Snape! I do, but I would never…_I wouldn't_…" He let out a hot breath, and continued, "If he hexed me I'd hex him out, but I wouldn't have done this. _I wouldn't have done this to Remus_."

Dumbledore tilted his head, eyeing James curiously. "I believe you Mr. Potter."

"Look-!" James started fiercely raising his hands for emphasis, but then he stopped and froze as Dumbledore's words processed in his scattered mind. "_Oh_…Oh sorry Professor."

"It's perfectly alright Mr. Potter." Dumbledore acknowledged softly, "I imagine you've had quite a traumatic evening rescuing your arch nemesis, and out running werewolves."

Blinking unsurely, James adjusted his glasses and cleared his throat. "Er…yeah."

"My last question before I send you off to take care of Remus is this," Dumbledore paused.

James fidgeted anxiously, his fingers drumming on the side of the sofa. He just wanted to make sure Remus was all right. He didn't have the energy to sit still, but he wouldn't dare walk out on Dumbledore. So he just stayed perched on the chair, silently begging Dumbledore to just let him go. He needed to see Remus, to reassure himself that he hadn't lost another friend tonight.

"How did you get away from the werewolf?" Dumbledore wondered aloud suspiciously, "I've never seen a human that was able to move faster than a werewolf."

"I know Remus, sir." James explained quickly, "I know how to distract him."

Dumbledore's face stayed impassive as he said, "And his behavior was similar in his werewolf form?"

"Absolutely," James lied through his teeth.

Dumbledore stared at James for only a minute more, but it didn't feel like that at all to James. It felt like years had gone by, and the whole time he was wracked with guilt. He didn't ever want to lie Dumbledore. Ever since he was a first year all he wanted was to meet the man on all of his wizard trading cards, but as soon as he did, he always wished he would have made a better first impression…and second impression…and third…Truthfully until a year ago, James had always felt guilty that, the greatest wizard of all time, only saw him when he was doing something wrong. But a year ago, he came into Dumbledore's office and resigned himself to the fact that there was nothing he could do about it. It occurred to him, because for the first time in his life he had done absolutely nothing wrong. He had been coming back from class with Peter in the dungeons when a pack of Slytherin's hexed the hell out of him and just as James crawled over to his wand McGonagall appeared, and accused him of starting a duel.

He wasn't with Sirius and he was actually heading back to Gryffindor tower to help tutor Peter in Transfiguration. The fact at that point as clear as day, James couldn't stay away from trouble anymore than trouble could stay away from him. So instead of making himself feel guilty about it James took it as a badge of honor and wore it wherever he went. After all, why not own up to it and use it instead of trying to run from it?

That feeling of confidence faded in the silence between them.

Didn't Dumbledore understand how much of this was weighing on James's shoulders? One wrong word and he, and all of his friends would be expelled. Of course Dumbledore didn't understand that, since he was the person that was putting all of the pressure on him, but the irony wasn't lost on James.

Finally Dumbledore sighed and stood up. "Mr. Potter, I believe you were not a part of this, but I'm going to talk to Mr. Snape and Mr. Lupin."

"Please," James begged, his hazel eyes watering at the thought, "Don't expel Remus. He deserves to be here just as much as everybody else. He isn't a harm to anyone!"

"I will do what I can James," Dumbledore's voice softened, he moved around his desk and guided James to the door. "Now I want you to go take care of Mr. Lupin and if the prefect on duty stops you just tell her that I have given you permission."

A cough like laugh choked out of James. "I doubt Evans will believe that, but thank you professor."

* * *

Long before James arrived in the hospital wing, Remus woke up, aching and sore all over. Coughing and shifting to sit up, Remus immediately regretted being awake. It felt like someone had dropped a flaming torch down his throat, leaving decay and unbearable burns all the way down. His vision was hazy, and it took him longer than he would have liked for it to come back. When he did he was startled to see Sirius shaking in the chair next to him.

His best friend looked deranged, his hands were gripping at his hair, his eyes were red from, and his face was more ghastly then Remus had ever seen him. It was then Remus noticed Sirius had been crying, and that wouldn't have been so unnerving if it weren't so thoroughly out of character for Sirius. Remus had seen Sirius break his arm in three places, get a howler from his family telling him what a waste of space he was and a lot of pretty scaring and awful things, but he had never really seen Sirius cry. He didn't seem to believe in it, but here he was, losing it right in front of Remus.

"What …happened?" Remus gasped, his eyes focusing on Sirius's black eye.

"It…its my fault…" Sirius stammered, in a low weak voice Remus would have thought he wasn't capable of using. "I…I'm sso sorry Remus…I didn't mean it. I swear I DIDN'T."

Remus furrowed his eyebrows and asked in a gravelly voice, "Did I…" He paused to catch his breath, "Did I do that to your face?"

"_No_," Sirius answered, his face etched with misery. "James did."

"What?" Remus scoffed, but then regretted it. Cringing, he clutched his throat in agony.

Sirius rolled in his bottom lip and said, "I have to go soon, but I want to you know…that I am …so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt anyone and …I'm just sorry."

"Sirius," Remus groaned falling back on the headboard of the hospital bed, "What happened?"

"I told Snape how to get into the whomping willow," He blurted out in a rush of guilt, his eyes locking with Remus's. "I swear, _I swear,_ I didn't think anything of it. I thought of it as a joke, I snapped when he broke your nose. I just couldn't let him get away with it Remus, I just _couldn't._"

Remus inhaled sharply sending jolts of pain down his throat. He clenched his eyes closed, "You-didn't. Please tell me, you didn't."

"I'm sorry Remus. I am completely and entirely sorry. I-"

"_Is-he-alive?"_ Remus demanded weakly.

Sirius nodded, "He's unconscious, but he's fine."

"Merlin…Oh Merlin…" Remus breathed in horror, the worst thing he'd ever thought could happened did.

"I'm so sorry mate. _Please._ Believe. Me."

Remus said, "I believe you Sirius-"

"Thank Merlin!" Sirius let out a heavy sigh of relief, a bit of color returning to his face. "I thought for sure-"

"But I don't forgive you." Remus cut him off sharply, his eyes filled with murderous anger. "I could have killed him."

Sirius was caught off guard. "But you didn't! We stopped you!"

"You think that's what matters?! Forget my life! Forget the fact that I could have gone to jail, been expelled or have been outed!" Remus spat ignoring the scorching feeling in his throat. His voice dropped, "I could-have-killed-him Sirius! I would have had to live with that for the rest of my life. All because, _you_ wanted to mess with him."

Tears rushed down Sirius's cheeks. "I never…"

"I know you didn't." Remus said, "But it doesn't matter now does it?"

"What can I do Remus?" Sirius leaned forward, "Please, anything, just tell me something I can do."

Remus didn't want to say it, but he couldn't lie to him. This was the way things had to be, the way Sirius had forced things to be. "There's nothing you can do Sirius. You should go."

"But Remus-" Sirius insisted frantically.

"No," He told him firmly, "Just go Sirius."

And for once Sirius didn't fight him. Sirius was a phenomenal debater. James was always on his side automatically, but it always took some spirited convincing for Remus to join his team. It was like this when Sirius convinced Remus to sit in their compartment second year, it was like that whenever Sirius tried to persuade Remus into playing Quidditch, it was like that whenever Sirius would tell him that he ate off of Remus's plate to keep him thin and it was like that when Sirius persuaded Remus to let them join him as animagus's on the full moon. The last one was the most emotional debate Sirius had ever had with Remus. James was the Marauder that thoroughly demanded that Remus never hide even a single part of himself from them, especially the werewolf part. But it was Sirius's idea to become animagus's. It was Sirius that insisted that it was only way.

The real reason why Sirius never let the idea drop was so elementary, that it never occurred to the other Marauder's. They all thought it was all about brothership, and finding a new way to break all the rules and have a great deal of fun at the same time, and that was a part of it, but not the reason.

The reason Sirius wanted to spend six months twisting and contorting his body into a dog was simple; he didn't want Remus to be alone.

He knew it must have been hell for Remus to be terrified with no one there with him. But he also was the only Marauder that truly understood what that was like. Sirius, the son who always disappointed his parents, was often beaten and bruised for his insolence and was required to bare that suffering by himself. Ever since the minute Sirius gained real friends, he came to believe that every single person deserved to have someone, even if it was only one person, that was there for them unconditionally and without judgment.

Sirius believed that _no one_deserved to be alone.

As Sirius stumbled to his feet and left the room, he couldn't help, but find the irony in the whole situation. The whole reason he became an animagus was to make sure that this situation would never happen to Remus, but somewhere along the way Sirius had lost his priorities. He knew what he did was wrong as soon as he followed through on it. He saw it in Remus's eyes, and felt it in James's words.

So as he dragged himself back to the Gryffindor common room he tried to think of somewhere to go. He obviously couldn't go back to his dorm room, but he had to go somewhere so his feet led him there anyway.

The problem wasn't that he couldn't think of anywhere to go. The problem was he couldn't think of anyone to go to. The marauders were his whole life; outside of them he couldn't think of a single person that would understand.

Sirius opened the portrait hole, completely ruined and without a single clue what he was going to do when he got all the way inside. He opened the door, and expected to see the room empty, to give him time to figure things out but he was wrong. Two very familiar girls were lying on opposite sides of the common room couch. Neither of them wore make-up and they both were in their nightwear. They seemed to be waiting for something, but Sirius had no idea what that could be.

Lily was facing Sirius, so she saw him first, but he looked away from her, unable to handle her criticism. That wasn't the reaction she had. In fact, her emerald green eyes immediately watered at the sight of his less than lively self. Marlene was snuggling into her blanket and looking at Lily, unable to see Sirius from her position.

"Oh my god." Lily uttered in shock at Sirius.

Marlene turned to look at where Lily was looking, "What is-?"

She paused for a second, her eyes catching onto Sirius's. It was a split second, but in those few moments Marlene knew what she needed to do.

"Lily," Marlene said pushing the blanket off of her. "Go to the hospital wing."

Lily frowned, "I don't understand. What-?"

"You said you ran into James, well look at Sirius." Marlene cleared her throat, "I need you to go make sure Remus is okay."

"I'm not supposed to be out after…" Lily began feebly but her response was cut short by the sharp look Marlene gave her. "Alright…I'll be back later."

Marlene told her gratefully, "Tell them I will see them later please."

Lily nodded gave her an unsure look and then left for the hospital wing without another word.

* * *

As soon as Lily left Marlene rushed up to Sirius, and cupped the sides of his face tenderly, "What happened?"

"I…" Sirius choked, tears spilling down his cheeks as he shuddered. "It's my fault Mar, all of it."

She pulled him into a hug and patted his back soothingly, "Shhh…It's okay."

"They're never going to forgive me!" Sirius whimpered.

"Shhh…Just calm down, you're not making any sense." She told him, tightening her grip on him. Marlene waited a few minutes. Before going letting him go to wipe his face with the sides of her hands. "Now tell me what happened."

Sirius kept his arms around her, his head hung in shame as he said, "I tricked Snape into going to the whomping willow."

"Is he alright?!" Marlene exclaimed.

Sirius nodded with a stuttered sigh. "He's fine."

"Is everyone else okay? How did you get a black eye?"

"James…punched me."

Marlene frowned, her eyes narrowing with sympathy. "Merlin…Sirius."

"Everyone is okay…and I…I didn't mean for this to happen." He told her his words earnestly, hoping that she would believe him.

"I know you didn't." She sighed, pushing his hair out of his face. "What are you going to do?"

Sirius shrugged, as he slowly began to calm down. "I don't know. I can't go back to the dorm. They've made it clear that they…" He cleared his throat, "That they don't want me there."

Marlene checked her watch and sighed, "Sirius do you want to sleep with me?"

His eyebrows lifted.

"Not like that," She said, with a small humorless laugh. "It's late and you shouldn't be anywhere near them right now, but you also shouldn't be alone…Obviously if you want to sleep somewhere else you can."

He frowned, wiping his own face. "I don't want to put you in an awkward position…"

"You're not." She said flatly. "But I'm going up to bed."

Sirius was so drained and so…lost that he followed her without protesting at all. When they reached the steps she walked to the top and levitated him to the top stair. Then she grabbed his hand and led him to her bed. It was the strangest thing; a girl was taking him to her bed…not to shag or do anything that ended in shagging. He was shattered and completely out of it, but still that thought occurred to him, when he saw Dorcas Meadowes across the room, drooling on her pillow with her arms and legs curled around a large body pillow.

Marlene's bed was in the middle of the room, and surrounded by pictures of her family and quite a few of her and James.

"What about your sheets?" Sirius muttered gesturing to his bloody, muddy clothes.

She took a second and then gestured to the door on the opposite side of the room. "My towels are the blue ones."

Quickly and carefully he tiptoed through the room of sleeping girls. It wasn't easy, all of the crying had made his motor skills function at a slower rate than normal. When he finally snuck into the bathroom, and shut the door, he saw that he was still shaking. As he washed all the blood and dirt off of him, he wondered if he would ever stop shaking. When he came back she was already in her bed.

Once he got over to her bed he pulled the curtains shut and stiffly slipped onto the bed. His heart was pounding in his chest, as he fought to control himself from crying again. He never cried, not like this anyway. Of course of the years he'd shed the occasional tear, sulk for a few minutes, force himself to ignore it and move on. This was unmanageable, and it was completely tarring him a part.

"Tomorrow," she began after putting a silencing spell on her curtains, so her neighbors wouldn't hear anything. "You are going to figure out a plan to redeem yourself. Until then, just focus on getting some sleep okay?"

"…what if they expel him?" He needed to know.

Her eyes became clouded at the thought. "Dumbledore won't let that happen. He will find away around it. He wouldn't let an innocent person be punished."

"What if Dumbledore can't help him?"

"Then you and James will find a way around it like you always do." She answered patiently.

"Mar?" He asked quietly after a few beats of silence. "What if they don't forgive me?"

Marlene's eyes were closed, but she felt around until she found his hand. His hand was trembling, his whole body was. Marlene slowly opened up his hand, slipped her own into it, interlocked the fingers and tightened her grip.

"They are your best friends Sirius. It may take sometime to forgive you, but they will. Despite how shitty what you've did was…and I'm not denying it was horrible by the way…" She yawned, "they can't be mad at you forever." And then she added softly, "They're your family."

"Mar?" He said in a hushed tone.

"Hmm?" She mumbled into her pillow.

"…Thank you."

She squeezed his hand and then let go of it. "You're welcome."

* * *

Normally, Lily didn't just do what people told her without understanding why, but Lily had come to understand that when it came to the Marauder's that Marlene knew better than she did what to do. Still she was completely unsure why Marlene had sent Lily of all people to go check on Remus, but she did it anyway.

Walking into the hospital wing, Lily halted just past the doorway as the scene reflected in her oval eyes. She stood, in her thick bambi pajama's, seeing James silently cry in the chair in front beside Remus's bed. A few beds down she saw Peter unconscious, and a few more beds down she saw a bed with the privacy curtains pulled all around it. She wondered who was in there, but she didn't give it enough of a thought to go find out.

This was weird. She'd been doing rounds earlier and as soon as she saw James she was content on busting his balls. In the past few months of him leaving her alone, she found she actually missed arguing with him. After giving another glance at him and Remus, she decided it to get involved. Lily began to quietly creep forward, making sure to not wake any of the other patients.

Maybe it was just that she finally realized she rather liked having James Potter around or maybe she just couldn't stand to see him so upset, or so alone. Either way she sat down in the empty seat next to him.

He looked up; tears clung to the end of his extraordinarily long eyelashes and in a low voice he said, "'lo Evans."

"Potter." She replied cautiously.

"I _really_ don't want to talk about it Evans." James choked out in a poor attempt to laugh as he looked up at the ceiling, "Promfrey just sedated him a minute ago, so he will be out for the rest of the night…You don't _have_ to sit here."

Lily tilted her head, "You look like you shouldn't be alone right now."

"I'm not alone."

"That's true, but I don't think Remus will be much of friend seeing as how he's unconscious," Lily joked.

He didn't take it that way. His eyes flipped down from the ceiling and hardened on hers. "I'd rather have an unconscious Remus than anyone else at all. He is a loyal and …and a giving friend."

"I know that James." Lily said tenderly.

"He doesn't deserve this." James rubbed his eyes from under his glasses. "I remember what he was like when I met him….He was scared of his own shadow…So scared that somebody would find out what he really was and be scared of him too."

Lily frowned, "Well I think we all are a little afraid of that."

"But he shouldn't be." James declared quietly in a tight voice, "I'm grateful and thankful everyday that I get to have a friend like Remus…and now…"

Lily didn't know what to say or do. She'd always been rubbish at comforting the people she'd known for years, let alone comforting someone she'd spent years avoiding. Half the time she was worried she'd say the wrong thing and the other half she was worried, that they would think she didn't care if she didn't say anything at all.

Her hands absentmindedly played with the ends of her tumbleweed hair, while she stared at his twitching palms. He sat there, in his ripped sweater, with stains all over his pants not saying a word, but drumming his feet against the tiled floor.

For the longest time she just sat there thinking of what she should do. But eventually she realized that it didn't matter what she did, because James was the type of person who appreciated the effort put forward rather than the result. So she released her hair, sucked in a deep breath and took out her wand.

"Potter," She ordered him, "Take off your shirt."

He looked at her quizzically for a moment, but then immediately stood up and did as he was told. Lily flushed as she saw his thin, but still toned chest. It was in no way as muscular as some of the other boys in their grade, but it still wasn't bad at all.

"Sit," Lily told, him trying to keep the embarrassment out of her tone. "I'm going to heal these, and then your sweater. If you're going to wait for Remus you might as well be a positive sight for him when he does wake up."

James didn't fight her, but he didn't smirk either. As she circled him, healing every injury she could see, he looked off into the distance.

"Potter," Lily gaped, "What the bloody hell did you do to your hands?"

"Punched a tree…and Sirius." James admitted freely.

She sighed.

"Relax Evans. Madame Promfrey already popped the bones back in, those are just bruises."

"Does it hurt?"

James shook his head, "I barely notice it."

Lily whispered a quick spell to sew his sweater back together and then added two more to get rid of the stain and add a fresh scent to it. "Here you go," She handed it to him.

"Thank you Evans," He smiled at her before throwing it over his head and shimming it down his torso.

"How long are you going to sit here?" Lily questioned checking her wristwatch, "I'm sure they'll come and get you when he wakes."

James shrugged, "I'll be here as long as he is."

"I've always admired that about you," Lily blurted out unintentionally.

He raises his eyebrows in surprise. "I was under the impression that you didn't find anything about me admirable…but thank you Evans."

"I mean!" She started quickly, "I'm sure I could find something admirable about anyone, it doesn't-"

"Relax Evans," He laughed hoarsely, "I'm not going to take that as a yes to going on a date with me."

Lily laughed and elbowed him in the side. "Oh sod off."

"That doesn't mean I'm not going to be asking though. I'm a single bloke you know."

"So I've heard." She shook her head with a smile.

James looked at Remus and frowned. He rolled forward pushing his shoulder blades inward almost as he silently prayed for the fate of his friend.

Lily didn't know what possessed her to do this, but in a quick flash her hand was on his back, just below his shoulder blades. Her pale little hand looked so pathetically small on his lengthy back, but she kept it there. He tensed up at first, but he didn't turn around. James seemed to be waiting to see what she would do, and then after awhile without thinking about it Lily started rubbing his back.

Her mother used to do this to her when she was little. She'd run into her parents bedroom, pink faced, and sobbing from a nightmare, her teddy bear Sergeant Mittens clutched in her chubby hands and her mother would take her in her arms and rub her back until she calmed down.

It wasn't complicated. It was actually one of the most natural gestures, but she couldn't help wondering why he was perfectly still during the whole process. He hadn't asked her to stop, but she still felt somehow that she was doing it wrong.  
Then, he rolled back into his seat, lightly took her hand into his left battered hand and gently held it. It wasn't interlocked like a couple would hold hands. It was just sweet and good-natured, and Lily couldn't help but smile at him as he smiled at her.

"Thanks Evans."


	14. Make It Without You

_This is the starting of my fall from grace_  
_my self esteem, it's seen better days._

**-Andrew Belle-**

* * *

James sat up with a huge yawn and reached on his bedside table for his glasses. Stretching out his naked torso, he twisted around to crack his back and neck. When he finished he yawned again, and looked around the room. Until that point he'd been fine, a little annoyed that he had to wake up, but other than that everything perfectly normal.

Except, that it wasn't.

Remus was dead asleep in his bed, and Peter was sound asleep in his bed, but Sirius wasn't there and there was nothing all right about that.

He didn't even lie to himself and try and think that he'd get used to it. His natural instinct in the morning was to check for Sirius. Sometimes Sirius would just be getting in, a sleazy grin planted on his face from the night he spent shagging some Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff. He would regale James with stories of his conquests, before passing out or jumping into his Quidditch gear. But Sirius bed had been empty for a week now, and it never ceased to pain him.

James was happy that Remus was still a student, and that Snape was forbidden from telling anyone. It was a huge weight of his shoulders and absolutely fantastic news, but it still didn't put everything back to the way it was. Nothing was the same without Sirius. It had been a week, and he still wasn't anywhere close to be okay about it. He kept forcing himself to focus on everything else, but that was nearly impossible there wasn't a single thing in his life that wasn't connected back to Sirius. James couldn't even go to Quidditch practice without being less than a few feet away from him. It was the worst thing he had ever had to go through.

And James knew that he had always had a fairly easily life. He was spoiled since birth, became best friends with Marlene and the Marauder's, became popular, aced all his classes, and was Quidditch Captain. His life was extremely blessed and he was extremely lucky, but that didn't make this easier, it actually made it worse, because he couldn't enjoy a single minute of it without his best friend at his side.

It was like someone had thrown him into a ditch, with every toy imaginable and an endless supply of food. He could survive, and play with all the toys but he would never thrive, because he didn't have his best friend to share it with. Hell, they could throw them both down there without anything and they'd get on just fine, they die from starvation with laughter still fresh on their lips.

That was the thing about a real best friend, people often called anybody they spent a lot of time with their best friend, but that wasn't it. When you are inseparable from someone, when you have to tell them a joke, or a tagline from your life, that's when they're your best friend. When you know you could depend on them in any situation and trust them with every shameful piece of information on you, that's when they're your best friend. Being best friends with someone is having an unbreakable bond with that person. James often heard students around him use the term loosely and he always resented it, because they did use it right. James would lay down his life for Marlene, Sirius, Remus and Peter without any hesitation. He would put their lives in front of his without any notice or warning. Because being best friends with someone is loving someone more than you love yourself.

And now, the highest person on that list, was…gone.

He'd like to think that he'd done the honorable thing for Remus's sake and cut every trace of Sirius out of his life, but in doing so he cut out such an irreplaceable part of himself. Everyday for the past seven days now he just felt raw, unsettled and angry.

Eventually, James picked himself up, and forced himself to take a shower, the one place where he could deal with all of this thoroughly. Taking off his boxers and glasses, he placed a silencing charm on the door, and did what he had done every day before this. James coldly trodged into the shower, turned it on and began screaming. He let out everything, every ounce of daggering rage was projected at the white brick walls. He demanded to know why this had to happen, and how the hell he was supposed to get over this. And then, when his voice grew hoarse and his body grew weak, he would let the jets of scorching water and crumbled to the floor. No one could see him, and no one would ever know, but James Potter had never looked as pathetic and alone as he did then. There was no take backs, no second chances, this was the lonely life Sirius had trapped him into living, one marauder down.

* * *

"I'll see you later." Marlene stated, shifting her bed curtain to see him

Sirius nodded staring up at the ceiling, his face distant and drawn.

All week he hadn't shaved, barely showered, and never left Marlene's bed unless she dragged him out. He wasn't Sirius Black anymore. Sure he looked like him, he had the same rugged, good-looking body, the same strikingly attractive face, but the spark was gone. The spark that made women everywhere consider giving up everything just for a chance to be near him. Sirius Black was a man that made everyone want to step up their game and become more daring, without him the world was a little planer.

Marlene frowned, full dressed in her gold and crimson school uniform. "Sirius, I'm not trying to be cruel, but you can't stay in here all day again. You have to go to class. You _have_ to try to make this better."

He let out a heavy sigh, but still didn't look at her. He was beyond caring about class or anything for that matter.

Crossing her arms she came to the conclusion that she was going to have to get mean. She wasn't going to coddle him anymore; he needed to get his shit in gear and letting him just avoid all of his problems by staying in her room all the time wasn't going to help anyone. Sirius had to get up, and fight, he had to …do something.

"Sirius staying in bed two days in a row isn't just pathetic, it's cowardly, now get your fat ass out of bed!"

"McKinnon," He stated, his voice two tones lower than normal, "_Don't_."

"Don't _what_?" She scoffed crossly, "Tell you the truth? You want me to just lie to you?! To let you stay here without any concern of your wellbeing?! To let you just sit out on your own life?!"

Sirius flatly said, "Yes."

"Well I'm not one of your slags! I'm not going to let you destroy yourself!"

"Don't you think you're being a bit melodramatic?" He asked darkly.

"I would agree, IF I didn't have to clean up _your_ vomit after you blacked out last night." Marlene shot back.

Sirius slowly placed a pillow over his head, and muttered, "I don't know what you expect from me."

"What I EXPECT," Marlene began fiercely ripping the pillow off of his face. "Is for you to get off your ass and get your friends back!"

"I've tried!" He shouted finally, "They just ignore me!"

"Well that happens," She said bluntly, tired of his moping; "You did something bad, you deserve to be punished, but you can't that keep you from trying at all."

Sirius leapt to his feet, his eyes wide with resentment, "Quit nagging me! You're not my girlfriend!"

She openly laughed at that. "You're damn straight I'm not! I'm not your wife, your girlfriend or your mother, I'm your friend, and I'm telling you to get your cowardly ass up and fight for the rest of your friends before you lose them!"

Sirius threw his hands up in frustration. "I've tried everything Marlene! I LITERALLY don't have a SINGLE CLUE what do to."

"Clearly," She said, throwing him his uniform. "But, you're creative, think of how you wronged them and what would equal to that as a form of apology."

"Like what?!"

"FIGURE-IT-OUT!" She shouted finally, tossing her bag over her shoulder and walking out.

Sirius sank back on Marlene's bed in shame. Of course she was right, but he didn't have the faintest idea what to do. Every time he went to Quidditch practice everyone but Marlene ignored him. James even had the cruelty to refer to him as, 'the other beater,' when he had to address Sirius for something. The whole thing had become so cold, so unfeeling, that it began to remind him of his family. Once again Sirius Black was a disappointment. It wasn't a surprise after this many years, but in this case it stung differently. Sirius confidence stemmed from the fact that he didn't care what anyone else thought about him, but that didn't work with James. He was the first real friend he'd ever had. The only friend beside Marlene, that had ever cut through his bullshit and saw who he truly was. And even James had finally discovered what Sirius already knew, that he wasn't worth the effort and in the end Sirius would always find away to fail him.

Last night, he'd tried to drink away his sorrows, but Marlene stopped him. He didn't understand her. Over the course of the year, he had come to terms with the fact that she was actually his friend, but he had no idea that anyone would put this much effort into it. He kept expecting her to come back and tell him to leave. To tell him that he was a selfish monster that didn't deserve to be around anyone else. It actually threw him off that day after day she slept only inches from him, asking nothing, but that he go to class, Quidditch and shower occasionally. Why didn't she see he wasn't worth caring about? If James didn't want to be friends with him anymore he didn't see how anyone else would want to be.

Still, he knew he should at least get up and go to class, if not for himself than maybe for Marlene's sanity. So he forced himself to brush his teeth, to wash his face, and to change into his uniform. He didn't want to do it. He wanted to stay in the comfort of Marlene's lavender scented bed forever, but he didn't, because deep down he knew she was right. Though he would never say it to her face.

"Hey guys," Marlene sighed sitting in between Alice and Mary, and across from Lily and Dorcas. "What have I missed?"

"Well," Dorcas began dryly, "You are forty minutes to breakfast, so you missed …absolutely nothing."

"Nice," She snorted.

Alice was writing a letter to her left, her soft brown hair cupped her face as she focused on the latest love note to her boyfriend Frank. On her other side though Mary was giving her a pensive look.

"You alright there Mary?" Marlene asked before taking a bite out of her toast.

"Are you going to Hogsmeade next weekend?"

Marlene shrugged, "Maybe, why?"

"I need to go, but Prewett is going to visit Longbottom."

"What do you need to get?" Marlene asked in between sips of coffee.

Mary bushed her sleek hair out of her dark face, pulled out a list from her bag and said, "Quills, ink, books and dress robes for the end of the year ball."

"You want to get those now?" Marlene furrowed her eyebrows in confusion.

"I figured if I'm there I should just take care of it now." Mary told her briskly.

Marlene nodded, "Well I can go with you."

"Thank you, I would appreciate that." Mary revealed a rare smile and said quietly under her breath so only Marlene could hear, "I have no idea what looks good with my skin tone."

"Really?" Marlene marveled, thinking of her out of uniform outfits. "You usually have excellent taste."

Mary snorted, "My sister took me shopping and told me what went with what."

"I see," Marlene grinned nudging her shoulder. "Well I have you covered."

"Good," Mary said diplomatically going back to reading her copy of The Daily Prophet.

Marlene couldn't help, but think Mary would make an excellent Minster of Magic. Her no nonsense attitude, brisk work ethnic and unquestionable morals would do the country a great deal of good. It would certainly be interesting to see, but just as Marlene began to imagine her state of the union address she overheard Dorcas and Lily debating which the best breakfast food was.

"The choice is clear Lils," Dorcas stated promptly, her deep brown eyes unwavering, "Toast with a pot of tea is the way to go."

Lily jilted out her chin determinedly, her red hair falling down her shoulder as she spoke she said, "No, Dora. The correct answer is eggs with orange juice."

"Are you two seriously arguing about breakfast?" Alice laughed under her breath.

"Oh! Go back to your snog letter!" Dorcas waved her off easily, before glaring at Lily. "But I'm right."

Lily matched her glare with a smirk, "How could you prove that?"

"I'll take a poll, bitches love poll's they will line up to tell me how soothing tea and toast is."

Marlene busted out in laughter, running a hand through her golden hair, "Bitches love polls? Really?"

Dorcas opened her lipstick-coded mouth to reply something sly and quick, but her eyes narrowed and she didn't say anything. She waited like a cobra, stalks it prey before attacking. Both Lily and Marlene turned to see why shadows of loathing and darkness had appeared on Dorcas's face. As soon as they turned and saw a Ravenclaw uniform, with blonde hair attached to it, they knew exactly why Dorcas looked the way she did.

"Word on the street McKinnon is Black has been sleeping in your bed for the past week." Emmeline started innocently, her face seeming curious and simple though it was anything but. "I was just curious as to why that was, just between us girls-" Emmeline bent over, her pale blue eyes boring into Marlene.

"Word on the street Vance," Dorcas cut in viciously, "Is that your slaggy ass isn't allowed over here!"

Emmeline scoffed, flung her white blond hair over her shoulder and strutted away.

Marlene covered her face, doubling over in laughter, "Dora…_You kill me_."

Dorcas was still glaring at Emmeline, her lips puckered in the picture of hate as she lowered back down into her seat. "Stupid, two-faced-"

"Do you even remember why you are mad at her?" Lily asked suddenly with an umistakable look of delight.

Dorcas froze, and then after a long pause said, "Yes!"

"Merlin," Marlene laughed wiping the tears of laughter of her face. "You shot her down so hard."

"Really though," Dorcas said, resting her arm on Lily's shoulder for emphasis, "What is going on? I've noticed Potter sulking around all week."

Marlene shrugged evasively. "It's not my business."

"The sluttiest boy in Hogwarts is sleeping in your bed every night." Dorcas deadpanned, "I'm prrrre-tty sure that's your business."

"Look, during the day, he's on his own. I just gave him a place to sleep." She said darkly not wanting to discuss it further.

Lily asked, "Mar, do you know what actually happened though?"

_"Look_," Marlene began sharply, "Even if I did know it doesn't concern either one of you. So please bugger off with the questions."

"Tes-ty," Dorcas noted with a intrigued expression on her face. "I would love to know what it possibly could be that would have sent the world in such chaos!"

Marlene finished her breakfast and set her with a look. "Dorcas, please leave it."

"Fine, fine," She said raising her hands defensively, "But we and peroxide head aren't the only who have noticed you know."

"What do you mean?"

Lily chimed in, "The whole school is talking about it. This is the longest anyone has gone without seeing Potter and Black together and it's freaking people out."

"It is not!" Marlene exclaimed.

"It is!" Lily said, "I heard some fourth years talking about how this is going to hurt Gryffindor's chance to win the Quidditch cup."

Marlene's face settled into a deep frown, but just said, "James and Sirius are best friends, they've always been best friends, they will always be best friends and at the end of the day they will realize that and put all the rest of the crap behind them."

Dorcas leaned forward to ask more questions, but Lily put a hand on her arm and shook her head silently to stop her. There were a lot of things Lily didn't agree with Marlene on, but after seeing how destroyed James was she silently hoped that Marlene knew something she didn't. It was strange; she had never particularly liked James and Sirius. Actually, if she were being honest she could say she spent a great deal of time hating James and Sirius, but that still didn't change the fact that somehow their friendship had become one of the main structures of their school. It wasn't natural not to hear them shouting over everyone else. It wasn't right that Lily didn't see them running around with laughter fresh on their lips. Without the pair of them off causing trouble the whole school seemed so quiet and …lifeless.

In all her years at Hogwarts she always thought things would be much simpler and better if they just were home schooled for a year. But now that she had a taste of what that would look like, she didn't like it. For a long time, Lily felt that it was better for things to be calm and quiet, to take joy in the little things. Living near Sirius and James all these years had subconsciously instilled in her, that she didn't have to limit her fun or excitement in life, for it to exist. The thing that stuck with her most though was the idea of their friendship. There was an underlying belief in the pit of her stomach, that two people could never really stay close friends for long. Of course her personal experiences altered her point of view on the subject, but watching them together had given her some much-needed doubt. It told her that if two people cared enough they could hold onto a relationship. To see that break in such a solid foundation rattled the whole school, but it surprised Lily that the ripples of that had affected her as well.

She tried not to look at James. Despite what had happened, she wanted to remain civil enemies with him, nothing more. The longer she sat at the table the stronger the urge became. What was the matter with her? Why did she care at all? Dorcas and Marlene already moved onto a different topic beside her, so why couldn't she move on with them?

Tentatively, glancing at Dorcas and Marlene to make sure they didn't notice, she looked over at James. It was quick at first; just a fleeting second, but once her eyes hit his face she couldn't look away. He hadn't touched his food, Remus was trying to talk to him, but James would just occasionally nod, never interjecting anything constructive or acting even remotely like himself. It looked like he was drugged. His hazel eyes that seemed to be constantly sparkling with mischief were flat and emotionless. And if there was one thing Lily knew about James Potter it was that he wasn't ever emotionless. This new James was exhausted, and constantly drained, like just doing normal things were straining him.

"Lil," Marlene called, "Come on, we're going to be late for Charms."

Lily shook her head and smiled. "Yeah, sorry…just drifted off for a bit."

"Well come on!" Dorcas laughed dragging Lily to her feet, despite the fact that she was around the same size as Lily.

Lily allowed Dorcas to link arms with her and even skipped with her to class, but her heart wasn't really into it. For the rest of the day, for the rest of the week really her mind kept drifting to James and wondering if he was okay. She wanted to talk to Marlene about it, but she was worried that she might take it the wrong way. So instead Lily said nothing, and decided she would stay out of it. Potter was leaving her alone, she needed to learn to see that as a blessing. But she couldn't.


	15. Sigh No More

_This is not the end _  
_Lived unbruised, we are friends_  
_And I'm sorry_

**-Mumford and Sons-**

* * *

"James," Marlene gasped, bending over and putting her hands on her knees. "We've been…practicing for three hours…I don't think I can feel my legs."

He frowned and wiped sweat off his own forehead. "I just want to make sure we are ready for the game next week."

"We are good Potter." Rick Vance announced from next to Marlene.

"Fine, hit the showers, but we will be having practice tomorrow before Hogsmeade. Don't think I'm going to let you guys off early tomorrow. We have a big game coming up."

"Yes we know!" The new beater groaned, stalking off the field, with his hands digging into his boney waist.

"Merlin," Rick muttered to Marlene, "I think Potter broke him."

Marlene had to fight a laugh, "Shut it Vance."

Rick left with the other chasers; Sirius was already long gone, leaving Marlene with James. She gave him a worried glance and put her sweat glistening arm around his shoulder. He stiffened under her touch, which had never happened before in the entire history of their friendship. James was always affectionate and preferred that she show him the same amount of warmth. This James was cold, and leaning towards having a abrasive mood swing.

"James," She muttered nervously, "I'm starting to really worry about you."

"I'm fine Mar," James said harshly storming off the field and moving away from her grip.

Scowling she combed through her damp hair, slicked her hair back up into a high ponytail and took a second before going after him. James had been phasing her out a bit. It wasn't personal; he just knew if he spent more than ten minutes with her there was a small chance she could bring up Sirius and he didn't want to give her the chance to do so. It wasn't that far off, Marlene did want to talk to him, but not to plead Sirius's case, but to actually see how he was doing with the whole thing. Sometimes they really did act like siblings, but times like these Marlene wished he wouldn't just brush her off like he would a pesky little sister.

"James!" She shouted pulling him aside just before he walked into the locker room. "Can you please stop ignoring me?!"

"I have nothing to say to you."

Marlene scowled, "You are being a right prick James Potter. I'm literally only stopping you to talk about how you are doing and you can't even give me the time of day."

"Well I thought you'd be a little busy, with the way I hear it."

The words hit their mark. Marlene released his arm and slapped him across his face. "I've known you for almost seventeen years James! And you've _never_ spoken to me like that. You are well aware that it isn't like that between Sirius and I-"

"Have you seen the way he looks at you?" James scoffed, not even bothered by her slapping him. "He's just waiting to add you-"

"What as another notch on his belt?" She scoffed, her pale eyebrows furrowing together incredulously. "Is that really the clique you're going to stick me with?!...Look, you don't want me around. You want to just wallow in your self-pity like Sirius is, fine. Both of you can be all pathetic and whiny all alone. I'm tired of both of you. Why don't you two grow up?!"

Marlene then waltzed away, her long blond ponytail bouncing off of her practice jersey. She didn't even bother to go to the locker room she just marched right back up to the castle. James fell back against the brick wall behind him and bushed his wild hair out of his face. He knew that was too far. He knew even when he was saying it, but he didn't seem to help himself lately. It was like anyone that bothered to spend time around him was liable to get insulted. It wasn't personal, James just was being selfish. He didn't want to be around people, not when they all had the potential of being happy and carefree and all he felt was guilt and depression.

Ducking into the locker room he showered and changed quickly, avoiding his teammates as he did so. Rick came over at one point and asked what happened to Marlene. James had to hold back telling him he could care less. It wouldn't have been true, James cared very deeply about Marlene, but with Sirius less than twenty feet away James would have said anything just to get out a flash of anger.

He knew he was getting out of hand, but he couldn't seem to reel it in anymore. In his whole life he could only think of a handful of times he'd been this angry and usually it ended in detention for him. This was a whole different thing. This was all consuming, and sometimes it scared him. The practical thing would be to let out all these feelings on the person they were intended for instead of innocent people, but he couldn't. What he feared most was that he would yell at Sirius and Sirius wouldn't say anything, he would just take it. To James there was nothing worse than that so he just blatantly ignored the situation entirely.

Remus's eyebrows lifted when he saw Marlene bust into the sixth year boys dormitory. "Mar?"

"Remus," She breathed furiously.

He frowned pulling on a shirt, "Uh…Sirius hasn't been here in days, and James should have been at practice…"

"I'm not here to see them."

"Well Peter is hanging out with Dorcas in the library."

"I know that," Marlene said between clenched teeth, "I'm here to talk to you."

"Oh…_Oh_." Remus sat up still in just a shirt and boxers.

Marlene came and sat on the edge of Peter's bed. "Look," She said licking her lips, "I understand that you and I haven't exactly been on the best of terms, but your friends are driving me crazy."

"My friends?" He laughed, "Are they not your friends?"

"No I was friends with both of them before you, but the point is, they are more your friends, and they are going to drive me off a cliff."

Remus said, "What do you want me to do about it?"

"Well it depends entirely on how you feel about the Sirius situation." She said rationally. "I understand if you hate him, he did fuck you over the most, but I need to know your stance."

He took a second, his tan scarred face pensive as he framed his face with his hands. "I'm still mad at him, but I don't hate him."

"Would you go back to being friend with him if he apologized?" Marlene wanted to know.

"…I don't know."

"I'm not saying you have to forgive him." She said putting her hands up, "I'm just trying to understand what's going on here."

Remus sighed, "The problem is I could forgive Sirius, but I'm afraid he will use that as an excuse to take what happened lightly."

"I see."

"And I'm thankful I wasn't expelled and Dumbledore talked Snape out of telling…My life really could have been destroyed by what Sirius did and I need to know he gets that."

"Would you be willing to talk to him?"

"James will never agree to that."

"I'm not talking about James," Marlene said sternly, "He's a whole separate issue. I'm talking about you."

Remus rubbed his face and groaned, "Probably."

"That's the spirit! Now how would you feel about doing so tomorrow? I know you aren't going to Hogsmeade and I'll even throw in some chocolate to make it worth your while. I just can't sit back anymore and watch them fall a part. I know that this really should have affected you the most, but for some reason it didn't and I just…I can't let them destroy themselves."

He smiled, "You're a good person Mar."

She rolled her eyes. "Why because I'm sick of sharing a bed with a man who snores louder that a wildebeest?"

"No because you care about other people. This wouldn't have fazed Dorcas."

Marlene's face darkened, "Don't talk that way about her, yes she's a little self involved, but if Lily and I were fighting like this she would be right in the thick of it too."

"I wouldn't know."

"Well that's because you refuse to get to know anybody." Marlene snapped, leaving a highly uncomfortable silence in her wake. "…I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-"

He held up his hand to stop her. "It's fine. It's not like it's not true, or that I don't deserve it."

"You don't deserve pain Remus."

"I didn't deserve you either," He shrugged honestly, "But I dated you for a long time as well."

Marlene frowned, completely unsure what to say so she focused her attention on Peter's deep blue comforter.

"Don't worry about it. If I see Sirius…I'll hear him out."

Her eyes lifted from the blanket to his eyes softly. "Thank you Remus."

"I'd like us to eventually be able to become friends Mar. I don't want it to always be like this."

She nodded and rose to her feet. "I'd like that too."

"I'll see you later Marlene."

"Bye." She smiled lamely before closing the bedroom door.

* * *

Remus watched his ex-girlfriend leave with less anxiety than he usually felt. He understood what she was going for and he agreed with her. Though Sirius would be on probation for a while, in the time a part Remus had come to see Sirius's line of thought. Though it was wrong, Remus knew losing all of his friends had shown Sirius the error of his ways. It wouldn't suddenly make him a completely better person, but it would make him think longer about how he treated his enemies. And honestly for Remus that was more than enough. He was tired of this stand off, he wanted his friends back and now that Marlene had said it was bothering her too he figured it was time to do something.

Standing up into a stretching Remus mentally went through his day checklist and updated it. Quickly he went to take a shower, change into his uniform and then get to breakfast before meeting Lily in the library. They didn't have class until after lunch, but he promised he would meet her to catch up on things. He actually was really looking forward to it. Though it had been the guys who were the first to find out that he was lycanthrope, Lily was the first person that he had told of his own accord. She'd been so considerate and so kind about it that he always felt he could tell her just as much as the guys, which made her perfectly adapt for this situation.

An hour later, Lily attempted to leave the Gryffindor common room when she saw Peter, Dorcas leaving with two jump ropes. Now she knew that Peter had no idea what jump ropes did as he was pureblooded, but Lily still didn't have the slightest clue what Dorcas would need them for.

"Dora," Lily began, fighting back a smile, "What are you doing?"

"Amelia Bones challenged me to a jump roping duel."

"How does she even know what it is?" Lily wondered knowing Amelia's bloodline.

Dorcas shrugged, "I think she said something about her ex boyfriends little sister being obsessed with it…." Her face tightened with glory and arrogance as she made a tough stance. "Either way the Ravenclaw is _going-down_."

"Peter, why are you going?"

"Because I roped him into being referee/ jump rope holder." Dorcas proclaimed with delight, ruffling his dark blonde hair affectionately.

He rolled his eyes. "She didn't really give me a choice."

"Where are you doing this?"

"Sixth floor, in the abandoned class room."

"We have class in like an hour."

"No we don't," She informed Lily, "Someone flooded the charms classroom again. No more class for the rest of the day."

Lily frowned.

"You have to be the only person in the history of the planet to be sad about that." Dorcas said linking arms with Peter, wrapping the metallic gold jump rope around herself and skipping from the room.

Leaning forward so her hair fell into her pale face, Lily laughed under her breath. There were some days that she just didn't understand where Dorcas came from. What sane sixteen-year-old girl, in high heels no less, thinks to have a jump rope competition? She had to be from a different dimension or something. Even Peter didn't have any idea how to explain her to Lily, he just shrugged like he didn't have the slightest idea what to do about it other than support it.

Shifting her book bag over her shoulder, Lily adjusted her uniform grey sweater and went to the library as planned. Along the way she thought about a billion different things. She thought about how her hair, due to the unnatural static in the air, grew twice its normal size that morning. She thought about how excited she was to spend a week of Christmas break with her father, in Italy, without her sister. She thought about the look on her sister's face when she realized that was the week she promised to spend with her boyfriend's family. Then Lily smiled so big, she couldn't think about anything else for a while.

It wasn't that she really hated her sister. It was that she knew Petunia would spend the whole trip bitching. She would complain about the food, the sights, and just about anything she could think of to make their father feel guilty about taking her. The problem with Petunia was if something wasn't her idea, she turned her nose at it as if it didn't exist. Lily didn't care if she did that to her ridiculous boyfriend, in her opinion they deserved each other. What Lily didn't want to see was Petunia doing that to her dad. Lily wasn't much for fighting, but if Petunia had come with her and said one ungrateful thing, Lily would lose it. She almost slapped Petunia on their last Christmas Vacation to Spain. Who complained about complimentary cookies? You take the cookies, you say thank you even if you don't like cookies you appreciate the gesture and smile. Lily couldn't understand why that concept was so beyond her sister.

Sitting down at her usual table, Lily saw small puffs of snow start to fall down on the grounds, and she couldn't feel any better. She wasn't even upset that charms was cancelled. Deep down she knew it was because Professor Flitwick had given her this weeks homework last week, but she didn't let herself think about that. Instead, she just basked in the glory that was this moment.

"You look like you're having a good time." Remus noted as he sat down across from her.

"My life is good at the moment." She beamed, but it faltered as soon as she saw the jagged look in his eyes. "I'm sorry yours isn't."

He shrugged and moved his bag into the chair next to him.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?"

Remus grimaced and glanced around anxiously. He leaned on his hand and said, "If you really want to know I can."

"You don't have to!" She said flustered by his reaction, "God, I'm so stupid, don't feel like you have to tell me anything. I mean if you want to obviously you can-"

"Lily!" He snorted bolting forward, holding her shoulders to calm her down. "Merlin, It's fine."

"Okay…I just don't want to ask you if you don't want to talk about it."

Remus smiled at her and let out a short sigh, "No, I need to talk about it I think."

He took only three minutes to explain the whole thing to Lily. The entire time he kept his voice low and kept checking to make sure no one was listening although there wasn't anyone in the library with them. Lily reacted exactly the way Remus had pictured she would, but when he was finished she didn't jump to her feet to go hex Sirius like he imagined she would. Instead she just sat there, looking out the window at the lakes edge, with this distressed look on her face.

"And now…I'm trying to figure out what the right thing to do is." He said with a lost look on his face.

Lily glanced back over to him, and glided her hand onto one of his. "I'm sorry Remus."

"It's not alright, but thank you." He released a short monotonous laugh.

"James didn't say anything…" Lily admitted in a whisper. "I was in the hospital wing with you and he didn't say what happened."

"I'm not surprised," Remus said abruptly, "I don't think he wanted to think about what Sirius did to make him jump to being the hero…as arrogant as James is I don't think he likes being forced into that role."

"What do you mean? I feel like he would thrive in that atmosphere."

He shook his head, "James is a natural leader, but he doesn't like having to keep other people in line. He doesn't like the idea that because of his choices other people could be hurt."

"But he saved him," Lily said unable to say Snape's name. "How can he put that on himself?"

Remus shrugged again, this time it was heavier and added with a deep frown. "I think he truly believes that he could have avoided the whole thing if he would have dealt with Snape himself….He has this horrible habit of making everything his fault when everything goes wrong."

"I hate to play devils advocate, but how is Sirius dealing with all of this?" Lily asked lightly, her eyes full of concern.

His face tightened, "Marlene said he's destroying himself."

"Remus, you know none of this is your fault either don't you?"

He gave a nod, he rubbed his bloodshot eyes and said, "But at the same time it comes down to me whether or not this stand off continues."

"What do you think?" She questioned softly.

"I …hate what Sirius did, but …I want him back. I want them _both_ back. With Sirius gone, it's like James is gone too." He admitted, his voice shaking a bit.

"Have you told James this?"

"I don't know how to. He's so on edge these days…I just don't know how to say it without him questioning my judgment."

She smiled at him kindly, squeezing his hand reassuringly. "I'm sure you'll find a way."

"Thanks Lil."

"Of course…Do you want to skip studying for today?"

Remus's eyebrows shot up, "Did you just say what I think you said?"

"Come on," She tossed her bag over her shoulder and held out her hand for him to grab, much like a five year old would. "I'm going to cheer you up."

"How? Where are you taking me?"

"To the first jump roping championship match!"

"The-what?!"

Heading to dinner hours later, Lily was sure she made the right decision. Remus had laughed harder than he had in weeks as he watched Amelia and Dorcas duke it out. He became uncontainable as he watched Lily try to do it with them. She had jump roped a lot in her youth, but found age had made her footwork clumsier and her reflexes too slow to keep up.

"Dorcas, I feel like you won, but I'm incredibly biased." Lily informed her as they walked to lunch.

Dorcas had a slapstick smirk on her face as she threw her arm around Lily's shoulders and pushed open the Great Hall doors. "I believe you are correct, but I know a way we can settle it. Who do you think won Lupin?"

He looked torn. "You both did really well."

"Lupin," Dorcas shook her head, but then switched to a different tactic, she batted her eyelashes at him and moved more into him. "Who do you really think won?"

"Uh.." He stumbled, his Adams apple bouncing as he avoided her glance. "I'm not sure."

She sighed and sat across from him, next to Lily. "Pansy."

"What?" He questioned in confusion. "Because I didn't pick one of you?"

"Exactly the reason." She quipped, "You don't have any balls."

"Dor," Lily snapped under her breath.

Dorcas threw her hands up. "It's true. Marlene dated you and you never had the balls to tell her you didn't love her, you just coasted around until she figured it out and dumped you. You won't stand up for anything. You just set there and wait for things to happen to you or to fall apart. It's pathetic Lupin."

"And you think you're much better?" He challenged.

"No," She answered honestly, sincerity shinning boldly in her eyes. "But at least I understand what my flaws are and I try to do make myself better. What, are you, doing?"

Remus's eyes hardened on Dorcas's in a way Lily had never seen. He rarely became mad. It was actually an accomplishment to get him angry and it usually took a lot of endurance and spearheading. It was always Sirius who pissed Remus off, but within seconds Dorcas had gotten under his skin. And Lily could see he didn't like it at all. Being the mother hen, Lily moved in to stop the two from squabbling when someone tapped her on the back. She turned to see Cody Wood standing above her, his blond hair swooping into his attractive face.

"Evans! Go to Hogsmeade with me?" He asked quickly.

"Sure," Lily replied before she could think about what she was saying.

"Great! I'll pick you up around 7!"

Lily paused for a second to process what had just happened. She stood up abruptly, "WAIT!"

But Cody was already gone back to the Ravenclaw table.

Dorcas paused in her fight with Remus, to give her a look of bewilderment. "Lily…what the bloody hell did you just agree to?"

"I …I dunno," She stammered falling back into her seat, "I didn't… It happened so fast! WHO JUST JUMPS AT SOMEONE LIKE THAT?!"

"You just said yes to the biggest git in seventh year." Dorcas informed her. "Why would you agree to that?"

Lily gaped, gesturing in horror.

"Well you better tell him, you didn't mean it before the cocky idiot tells the entire school you had sex with him."

Lily stood again, but somehow in those twenty seconds he had not only told every boy at his table that he had gotten Lily Evans, the prude Queen to go on a date with him, but he also left the Great Hall.

"How did that happen?!" Lily demanded furiously.

"Beats me," Remus shrugged, still glaring daggers at Dorcas.

Lily banged her head on the table repeatedly, shaking the table slightly. "Somebody murder me."

* * *

A day later, Mary and Marlene walked through the slushie streets of Hogsmeade. If she were with Dorcas they would be strolling with enthusiasm. If she were with Lily they would be marching with a purpose. And Marlene found it interesting that with Mary they just walked at a comfortable easy going pace, it was nice for a change.

They were both decently bundled up. Marlene had her hair tucked back into a knitted snitch cap Dorcas had made for last Christmas, with a thick black wool coat to keep her warm. Mary had the hood of her purple coat up, with her white gloves tucked into her pockets.

"I'm not supposed to say anything, but I have to tell somebody," Mary started her usual somber tone creaking with happiness. "Frank owled me, he's going to ask Alice to marry him this weekend."

Marlene stopped, her whole body swooning as small fragments of snow melted on her rosy cheeks, "Really?"

"Yeah," Mary nodded mirror her reaction, "he's taking her to a romantic hill top and everything."

"That is…_so-cute._ But then again Frank was always a hopeless romantic…they are a bit young though. Alice just turned 17 last week."

Mary nodded, brushing her black hair back in her brisk bun under her hood. "If it were anyone else I would think so to, but they just kind of fit you know? Kind of like Evans and Potter."

Marlene laughed, "I don't know about that."

"I know you agree with me McKinnon," She stated as matter of factly as they drifted into the store with ball gowns. She examined a few with a smirk. "They just haven't figured it out yet."

"Well relationships like that usually take time."

Marlene grabbed a few bright dresses that she thought would perfectly accent Mary's bright blue eyes, "Here you go."

"I do loath shopping, but I suppose you make it more painless than Meadowes would have." Mary admitted with a small smile before going into a changing room.

Letting out a disgruntled laugh, Marlene shook her head. "Thanks, I think."

"You know Meadowes would have had me here for years." She declared through the thick black curtain.

"True, in high heels no less."

Mary waltzed out in a teal dress that seemed like it would look fantastic on her…but actually made her look ten pounds heavier than she was, and displayed the sharp accents of her face in the most horrible way. Marlene tried not to say anything. Mary was a few inches shorter than her so with the dressing room lift she was around the same height as Marlene making it impossible to avoid her gaze.

"It's bloody awful isn't it?"

"_Well…_"

"Don't chicken shit me McKinnon." Mary told her scolding, putting her hands on her hips. "How bad is it?"

Marlene started shaking with silent laughter. "You look like a low grade mermaid."

Mary let out a small snort of laughter, before going back to try another dress on. "At least I don't look like a fish."

"I don't know, fishes are kind of cute."

"Where's Black?" Mary questioned bluntly as she changed. "I rarely see you without him these days."

"I think I saw him talking with Remus when I left."

Mary let out a note of approval. "Then the war is over?"

"I hope so, but I guess that's up to them."

Mary opened the curtain to show Marlene. "Well?"

Marlene angled around her and shook her head. "Too long for you."

Sighing, Mary threw her hands up and tried on the next dress. "This one doesn't work either…and I'm out of dresses."

"Well then get out and we can scavenge for more, at least now we can rule some things out." Marlene said, unbuttoning her coat and eyeing a few dresses. "How do you feel about the color red?"

Mary walked out in her gold charms club t-shirt, her coat discarded on the floor of the dressing room. "I'd rather not dress like a harlot, unless that's my intent."

"Do you intend to be a harlot?" Marlene snorted.

"You never know."

Marlene laughed, her face full of amusement, when a bright electric blue light burned in the street. It was subtle at first, but then it grew rapidly, lighting up the shadows of her face. Marlene's eyebrows furrowed. "What the-?"

There was a flash and then there was a jolt of an explosion, ripping through the shop, breaking all the lanterns, setting fire to half the shop and smashing Mary, Marlene, the other costumer and the shop owner against the back wall. Mary got up first, her bright blue eyes blind with fear. She saw that the shop owner was already dead by her vacant expression and the unnatural position of her neck. Fighting the dizziness she felt, Mary crawled over to Marlene, her mouth full of blood.

"Mar," She choked shaking Marlene's bleeding shoulder. "M..ar."

Several footsteps cracked through the broken glass behind her. She gradually managed to turn, her eyes glassy with tears, she felt around for her wand, but knew that it was somewhere around her in the wreckage, well beyond her grip. The only person she could see was wearing a black cloak that covered their entire body with the most horrifying mask she'd ever seen.

"What is your name?" The voice asked crisply.

Breathing unevenly, Mary croaked, "Mary McDonald."

"Are you a muggleborn?"

"…_Why_?" She asked, her voice shaking and full of alarm.

One of the other figures confirmed, "She is a muggleborn."

The first one took a step closer, "Well then let her serve as an example. Goodbye Mary McDonald." Her eyes flooded with helpless tears, her knees ached from her position as she heard the last words she'd ever hear, "AVADA KEDAVRA."

And then Mary McDonald fell sideways near a growing fire, the sound of her body hitting the ground not loud enough to be heard over the sound of the fire. Her hands arms were limp infront of her as her gorgeous blue eyes stared of emptily into nothing.

The man took off his mask and nudged her out of the way with his boot, his face filled with disgust as if even his boot deserved to touch something better than her. "Filthy Mudblood."


	16. Timshel

_And death is at your doorstep_  
_And it will steal your innocence_  
_But it will not steal your substance_  
_But you are not alone in this as brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand_

_**-Mumford and Sons-**_

* * *

Lily didn't want to go to Hogsmeade. When Dorcas invited her to come with her Peter and Remus, but she decided to opt out of watching Remus and Dorcas fight with each other. She never noticed how much they genuinely disliked each other. At first she thought it was just another instance of Dorcas calling someone else out on their shit and it not working out so well, but it seemed to cut deeper with Remus. Maybe because everyone around him wasn't as honest with him about his flaws as say they would around Sirius or James. Either way, Lily didn't want to be stuck with that all day.

At first she just wandered around the castle. She found it was rather peaceful in the winter when everyone else was gone. Every single Christmas holiday she went home, but if her father wasn't alive, and she just had her sister to go home to she wouldn't mind in staying here in the slightest. It was so cozy sitting by any of the fireplaces around the castle and looking out the window to see the snow falling. She wasn't a big fan of being in or around snow, it always made her face grow unnaturally pale and her nose become beat red, which wasn't something she liked other people to see. Her friends teased her enough for being a natural ginger, she didn't need to give them any more material to work with.

When climbed into her favorite chair in the library, she was surprised to see Sirius Black already sitting in the chair across from her. Not that he would notice, he was staring out the window blankly, his entire appearance not as depressed as she had seen him in the past week, but still quite morose.

"Sirius?"

He blinked and looked up at her. "Oh. Hi Evans."

"What are you doing here?"

"Sitting."

"I mean, why don't you go to Hogsmeade. I thought you and Remus made up."

Sirius shrugged, "We did. He was…nice about the whole thing, but it still won't change James's mind."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

He frowned in confusion. "You know what happened?"

"Remus told me."

"And you don't hate me? …You used to be friends with Snape."

She curled her knees up into her chest and rested her head on the top of her knees. "Yeah I _used to_, but he's so far from the person I was friends with that it doesn't hurt me as much as it should….I saw your face when he hurt Remus. I don't approve of or like what you did, but I understand it."

"You sound like Marlene." He said, smiling faintly.

"Well she is my best friend," Lily grinned back. "And when it comes to you two, no one would no better than she would. You know, she was the one that talked to Remus in the first place right?"

Sirius's eyes watered for a flash of a second, but he looked away and the look was gone. "No. I didn't know that."

"If you break her heart." Lily began sharply. "I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just going to make you see what it does to her."

"What kind of revenge is that?" He almost laughed.

"Watching someone you love suffer is way worse than your own suffering, especially if you're the one who caused it." She stated simply.

Sirius's eyes flipped back onto hers. "I never said I loved her."

"I know you didn't, but you do don't you?"

"If I did, I'd hardly talk about it with you Evans." He scoffed hollowly.

She tilted her head thoughtfully. "That may be true, but it doesn't change the fact that you didn't deny it."

"I'm not in love with her." He challenged her naturally.

"How do you know?"

"I've never be in love and I never wish to be." He retorted firmly.

Lily didn't believe him for a second. She said, "Sirius, everyone, whether they like it or not wants love. _Even you._"

"Well about you then?" He turned it around easily, a hint of his cockiness simmering below the surface as he put his hands behind his neck. "You have James wrapped around your finger and you won't even give him the time of day."

"First, I don't have anyone wrapped around my finger." She corrected him quickly, "Second…to be honest, he kind of scares me."

Sirius laughed at that. "James Potter scares you? He weighs like…140 tops."

"He always knows exactly what he wants and then goes for it…How can he be so sure about anything?"

"Because when he feels it he knows it's right." Sirius defended James instantly.

"He's not speaking to you and he may never speak to you again…and still you're on his team?"

"I'll always be on Team Potter." Sirius said with complete conviction, tapping his finger tips on the table. "Always have been, _always_ will be."

Lily looked at him and saw that there wasn't a flicker of deceit. "_Wow_…You really mean it."

"Of course I do. I rarely commit to anything, but when I do, it's like James, it's for life."

She flushed, feeling uncomfortable by the implications of his words. Lily then pushed herself up to her feet. "Well, I'll see you around Black."

"Actually," He caught her arm, "Can you do me a favor?"

"Depends."

"He's down at the Quidditch field. I saw him walk down there an hour ago." Sirius admitted sheepishly. "Can you just go check on him?...I know you hate him, and all that, but would you?"

Lily scrunched up her face. "And why would you think I would do that?"

"Because deep down, you know you're worried about him too."

Lily didn't say anything; she just gave him a glance and walked away.

* * *

She wasn't sure until she got back to her room that she was going, but it seemed her body knew what she was doing better than she did because as soon as she got there she grabbed her coat, gloves and a green knitted hat Dorcas had made her the Christmas before. The hat had a golden L sown into it, so she would be able to tell it a part from any other hat. Lily stuck her beloved hat on her head, along with the rest of her winter wear and headed out to the Quidditch pitch.

Lily had never really talked to Sirius. They'd been the same house, same classes and even sometimes had the same friends, but she never saw any point to it. He always seemed like a stupid playboy that had a good time at the expense of everyone around him. But seeing him in this state, really brought his personality into focus. Sirius cared about people. He didn't want to, but he did, and when he did that he meant it. James and Sirius had to be the weirdest boys she'd ever known. What sixteen-year-old boy would be so entirely devoted to anything? They were supposed to be non-committal and not take anything seriously and for a long time that was how Lily saw them, but now everything had shifted. And no matter how hard she tried to go back to seeing them as ridiculous loose cannons she couldn't shake the things she had come to know about them.

As she walked up the steps of the stadium she asked herself why she was doing this. Even if she saw the good in James it didn't mean that she had any reason to go check on him. She could have easily told Sirius no. There wasn't an ounce of loyalty residing between them to make her do this. Her intentions and motivations baffled her, until she saw him.

In that second, her throat caught in her chest and her heart sank. There was Gryffindor's Quidditch Captain and top chaser. There was one of the top students in his class, the most popular boy in the school, drinking a bottle of firewiskey all alone. His dark hair was everywhere, like he had spent half the day running his hands through it. The moon brightened up his paling face, but only enough to see the hurt and damage in his large hazel eyes. Haughtily he leaned all the way back into the seat behind him, occasionally taking a swig of firewiskey.

That was the moment she could have walked away. She could have gone back and told Sirius, or simply went back to her dorm without getting involved at all. If she did that though, she wouldn't be Lily Evans, because Lily would never walk away from someone who needed and deserved to have someone to talk to. So she carefully stepped forward, her boots creaking on the woodened stands as she moved closer to him. His head shot up and at first he looked happy to see her before turning back to his depression.

"I thought you were going to Hogsmeade with Wood," James said sullenly, taking another sip from the bottle as he glowered down at the Quidditch field.

"Yeah, I tracked him down and told him I wouldn't go."

James glanced up at her in surprise. "Why?"

"Because I never wanted to say yes in the first place," She breathed in frustration sitting down a few inches away from him. "He just snuck up on me and caught me off guard."

"Still doesn't explain why you said yes."

"I don't know! He asked so I said yes. I wasn't thinking, Dorcas and Remus were fighting next to me, and I was distracted."

James gave her the most astounded look, lowering the bottle to the ground.

"I know okay?!" She laughed throwing her hands up, "I know! It's ridiculous, but he…he caught me of guard and I didn't know what to say!"

He started shaking, at first she didn't know if it was anger, but after a while she heard him let out a dry laugh. "I can't handle this!...You've been turning me down for years and…and a guy that has never asked you out does it and you don't know what to do so you automatically say yes?! Merlin Evans…"

"Oh sod off!" She grumbled pushing him slightly.

"What are you doing out here anyway?"

"I saw you come out here," She lied horribly.

He gave her a look and crossed his arms. "Liar."

"What?"

"Sirius saw me walk out here. You were still eating with Marlene and Mary in the Great Hall when I left."

Lily frowned with a shrug. "He's worried about you."

"Well that's his problem." He said sourly.

"I talked to Remus," She whispered randomly as she picked at the bottom of her coat, "He told me what really happened."

James's face darkened and he ran a hand through his hair.

"What you did…it was noble of you."

He looked disgusted. "I'm not a murderer Evans, but it's fantastic that you think that I'm a big enough monster to just let that happen-"

"That's not what I was saying!" Lily snapped heatedly.

"What then? You're glad you're slimy friend is okay? Because I still hate him too!" James started fiercely.

"UH!...You're ridiculous and...You're drunk!" Lily scoffed standing up and walking down a few steps. "And that's not why I said that! I seriously meant that it was a good thing, because not everybody would have made that decision if they were in the same circumstances."

James kicked the bottle to the side, breaking it. Then he leapt to his feet and started pacing, "I don't know what you're talking about. I'd have to be soulless to let an innocent man die."

"He's hardly innocent. He pushed you guys all the time to get back at you."

"It's because he's in love with you." James told her flatly.

Lily let out a strangled yell, clenching her hands close. "Why does everyone always say that?!"

He snorted, "Because it's true. You just don't see the way that greasy idiot looks at you."

She sighed and shook her head, they were both standing on different benches, but their eyes kept catching. "I don't know why. If he loved me in any way he wouldn't have treated me that way."

"I don't know about that…" He muttered.

"You should forgive Sirius," Lily blurted out with a grimace.

"You can't be serious!" James shot back, glaring. "You_ know_ what he did!"

"Yes," Lily said flatly, "And you know that I don't think it was right, but I also can see how he thought it was alright from his perspective."

He let out a sharp breath and shook his head firmly. "I _can't_ believe you're defending him."

"Well," She paused getting her nerve, "I also think you blame yourself for it happening in the first place."

James looked at her as if he had never seen her before, his eyes were wide and his mouth was slightly ajar. "What makes you say that?"

"You don't seem like you're just mad at him, you seem mad at yourself."

James paced for a few seconds before stopping, putting his long hands on his face and sitting back down. When he released his face, he was calmer, but still upset.

"I don't know what to do Lily. I feel like if I forgive him, it's like saying what he did was alright. I'm so mad at him." He admitted freely, staring at the floor.

Lily bit her lip and swatted on the seat in front of him. "James, _look at me_."

His eyes lifted to her to her face, sending a jolt up her spine. She didn't realize until she moved how close she was, but it was too late to move now. She said, "You've heard the news. You know how many people are dying out there. How would you feel if something happened to Sirius?"

He scoffed. "Nothing's going to happen to Sirius, he's safe inside Hogwarts. All of the attacks are at people's houses."

Lily had to give him that, no attacks were big scale; they were all small and purposeful. "Yes, but what if it was?"

"Lily, I see what you're getting at," He sighed wearingly, "but it's getting late. Let's just head back to the castle okay?"

Lily straightened up to her full height and frowned. She really wanted to get through to James, but the look on his face told her that was going to take time. James wasn't the type to just let go of anything, who better than Lily to know? But maybe if Sirius gave him enough time he would bend and learn to make an exception.

"Okay," She forced a smile walking with him to the stairs. "Are you really drunk?"

James shook his head, swaying a bit as he walked down the steps. "Just a bit tipsy. It takes a lot more than a bottle to get me drunk."

"Really?" She asked thoughtfully, "Is that a low tolerance?"

"Haven't you ever?"

She smiled shaking her head. "A bit of champagne last Christmas, but nothing more than that."

"I'm surprised, but then again you never join us for our New Years party." He commented.

"Well I didn't like the manner in which I was invited, maybe this year I will be asked differently." She told him snottily, feigning an angry face. "What does happen at your New Years party? I've heard rumors, but Marlene never talks about it."

James laughed under his breath, his face brightening up just a bit. "Well that's probably because she tends to have more unrestricted fun than she does sober."

Lily looked confused as they began to cross the frost tipped grounds. "What do you mean?"

"Last year she did a cartwheel on my mother's kitchen table and the year before that she went streaking." James blushed at the memory. "I tried to stop her, but she just took off her clothes faster…and I couldn't watch that."

"You really are like siblings." Lily noted.

"If I had a sister, it would be Marlene. My parents love when she comes over." James added in explanation, "My mum always wanted a daughter. So I think she kind of looks at her like she is her surrogat daughter

Lily grinned at that, "I can see that. Her family's so big it must be nice to have some one on one time for a change."

James nodded, "Have you heard anything about her mum in awhile?"

"No, I think she close to dying though." Lily whispered sadly, as the entrance of the castle came into view. "Is that …Dumbledore?"

"What is he doing out here?" James questioned worriedly, popping a stick of gum into his mouth. "I've never seen him leave the castle."

Sharing a look they both walked a bit faster, anticipation knotted up both of their stomachs' as they approached him. It didn't make either one of them feeling better to see that his expression was solemn. Instead both of their heart rates accelerated and they both could tell something was wrong. What made it worse was he seemed to be waiting for both of them.

"Mr. Potter, Ms. Evans," Professor Dumbledore said as they stopped in front of him, "You both need to come with me."

"Is there something wrong Professor?" Lily asked nervously, taking in his grim expression.

Dumbledore's lips became a hardened line. "There has been an attack. I will answer your questions in my office."

"Can you at least tell us who it is?" James asked unintentionally taking a step closer to Lily.

"Please come with me." He said more sharply this time not giving them any room for argument.

Lily's eyes watered and she immediately grabbed James's arm. His eyes mirrored her worry and he put draped his arm around her shoulder. The entire way there they feared the worst. James knew Sirius was safe, but he also knew all of Lily's friends were at Hogsmeade, including Remus, Peter and Marlene. The thought that something might have happened to any of them, sobered up not only any of the alcohol in James's system, but also any of the lingering anger and resentment. All he could think about was who Dumbledore was going to say didn't make it. If it wasn't that serious or if it didn't involve them personally he wouldn't have sought them out, he wouldn't have waited for them.

The castle was so quiet it unnerved them both. Where was everyone? They should have all been getting back from Hogsmeade. There should have be students giggling about dates, and sharing Honeyduke sweets, but there wasn't a single student or teacher around. It was just the three of them, and that scared Lily more than anything else, because why would there not be a single teacher around? If it was just a simple attack there would still be a teacher in the hallways. The longer they walked the more Lily began to shake in anticipation, but James never let go of her. He too, could see the signs, and he too knew that this walk led to nowhere good.

"James," Lily's voice cracked as Dumbledore said the password to his office.

"I know," He replied, tightening his grip on her as they trailed after Dumbledore up to the Headmaster's office. "I know."

Once they walked in they were relieved to see Dorcas, Remus, Peter and Sirius completely fine, but the sight also immediately reminded them off who was missing. Lily's eyes locked on Dorcas, her face was running with mascara, she was half sitting on Remus's lap, her arms wrapped around him. It was an extremely odd place for her to be, but he didn't seem to care, he seemed too upset to care about anything.

"I must go inform the parents. I want all of you to stay here until I return." Dumbledore informed them curtly; flicking his wand to provide two more arm chairs in the spacious office and then leaving.

"Who is it?" Lily questioned boldly, tears already sliding down her cheeks.

"_Marrr..y… is …dead_." Dorcas sobbed before burring her head into Remus's chest.

"Marlene's been taken," Sirius announced in shaky voice, his face ghostly pale.

James gulped down the emotions building in his throat and asked, "What happened?"

"_They_…" Peter began hesitantly. He was the most collected one of them all, but he was never the one that they turned to for information. Now, it seemed he was the only one calm enough to do so. "They were shopping in a ball gown shop. The Death Eaters attacked, ten people are in the hospital wing. The only person they killed directly was …_Mary_, and the only person they took was Mar."

"Oh my god…" Lily cried, falling back into a chair, her face flooding with tears as she pulled off her hat and gloves. "Oh my god."

James's face was red with tears; he stayed standing for a minute before sitting down in between Sirius and Lily. There were a million things he wanted to know and a million things he wanted to say, but James stayed quiet. The only sound in the room was Lily and Dorcas crying. Eventually Lily rose and went to Dorcas. They wrapped their arms around each other and cried together, morning Mary, but also fearing for the life of their best friend. James didn't move a muscle, all he could think about was Marlene; her smiling face, her golden hair, her can-do attitude, the way she ate food from only one side of her mouth. He thought about his sister, how she was somewhere all alone and possibly dead.

He didn't know he was crying until he looked up and found his eyes were too watery to see anything. Wiping his eyes quickly, his eyes hardened at Sirius.

"We'll get her back Prongs." He vowed, putting his hand on his shoulder.

_"We. Have. To._" James told him through the haze of tears, his voice breaking, as he cried harder, "We-have-to Sirius."


	17. Every Night

_Searching to find myself_  
_But all I find is you_  
_I can hardly stand myself_  
_So what am I to you?_

**-Imagine Dragons-**

* * *

_"Lily," Marlene giggled, grabbing a napkin and handing it to her._

_Lily looked up, half a strawberry was in her mouth and her eyes were wide. "How could I have gotten anything on my face?! I'm eating a straw-berry!"_

_"Well somehow, you did."_

_"How do I do this?" Lily groaned pitifully. "Seriously?!"_

_Marlene laughed. "Because Lily, you don't pay attention when you eat."_

Shifting over in her sleep, Lily weaved into a different memory.

_"I don't know why she hates me so much." Lily cried into her pillow, "She's everyone's favorite. She has more friends than I do."_

_Marlene pushed Lily's hair out of her shuddering face, her blue eyes filled with warmth as she held Lily's arms. "Lily, that's because you are careful with who you give you're heart to and that's a virtue Lily, hold onto that."_

Shaking Lily slowly drifted out of sleep, and opened her eyes. It took her a few minutes to process that she was indeed awake. Her eyes squinted in the darkness, as she tried to gauge the time. It wasn't time to wake up. All of her roommates were all sound asleep, except three beds were empty, and the sight brought tears to her eyes.

She immediately wiped them away and looked at Dorcas's bed. It was clear by the redness around her nose and swollen cheeks that she'd cried herself to sleep. Lily considered checking on her, but it didn't feel right. She never was sure what was the right thing to do. If it were Lily she would want someone to be there with her, but she'd never comforted Dorcas, so she didn't know if it was better to give her space or stay with her. The ability to read other people's needs was something she didn't have most of the time. Not like Marlene. If she were here, she would know exactly how to handle this. Marlene was the one who always did the right thing. Lily was always the one who just followed her lead, but now that left Lily with not a clue with what was appropriate to do.

In her rational mind she knew they should just wait for the adults to handle it. Dumbledore and the Auror's were more than capable of finding and saving Marlene, but she still didn't like it. Lily was a control freak, through and through and it killed her that she had to hold back. She was torn by her desire to follow the guidance of her authority figures, and just take matters into her own hands. Sure she was a sixteen-year-old witch with little to no dueling experience, and yes she wasn't the strongest or fastest person, but Marlene was her friend. And until recently she didn't understand how attached she had become to her.

Somehow Lily had let herself believe that she could do without Marlene. That if she somehow found out Lily wasn't as smart or as great as she seemed and left Lily would be perfectly fine. It was a belief stemmed from Lily's want to not need anyone, but she should have known that she wouldn't be able to sustain losing Marlene. She should have known that Marlene was impervious to any form of resistance. But she'd be ignorant and blind, and now, as she stared at Marlene's bed she cried. Not because she might lost her friend, but because she might never get the opportunity to tell her how much she meant to her in the first place. Marlene had managed to sneak under Lily's guard, it was very subtle, but now Lily couldn't think of a time during Hogwarts were Marlene hadn't been there for her. Why had she always accused Marlene of loving Dorcas more? What did it even matter if she did? Why couldn't she have simply appreciated the fact that she was loved at all?

Gripping her shoulders, Lily bowed her head as her own tears overwhelmed her. She grabbed her teddy bear Sergeant Mittens. Her fingers traced his blue and white plaid bowtie, as she buried his worn brown fur into her chest. Sergeant Mittens had gone through many battles with her; he had nearly lost his eye when Petunia tried to feed him to a neighbor dog, he had several stitches on his stomach from the time Petunia attempted to cut him apart using rusty scissors and his stuffing was lumpy from the unequal amounts of squeezing Lily had done over the years. But at moments like these, moments were she wished her sister didn't hate her and her mother was still alive. She could owl her father, but she didn't want to trouble him, he had enough on his plate. So that left Sergeant Mittens to comfort her.

Her thoughts turned to Dorcas and Lily felt even worse. Sure Lily had a lot of regrets where Marlene was concerned, but she was more upset about what this was doing to Dorcas. In seven years Lily had never seen Dorcas cry. She was sure it happened, just like you assume physically fit people work out, but she'd never seen it for herself until now. It seemed like the Marlene was the glue of the group, the one thing that kept everyone and everything together and now that her whereabouts where unknown they all fell apart. And Lily didn't have the slightest idea what she could do to fix it. She was stuck, and all she could really do was sit and cry about how everything had worked out.

Alice was getting back from her weekend with Frank on Monday. Dumbledore had already gone to see her about Mary. The image of what Alice's face must have looked like when she found out her best friend was murdered burned into the front of Lily's mind. This shouldn't have happened. Not to them. This was supposed to be a war off in the distance. Something that affected people they knew of but not them, never them. It was selfish, but it was the way things had always been. Suddenly the war had shifted closer and Lily wasn't even remotely prepared for the consequences of that.

Lying back down in bed, she pulled her curtains shut and tried to get some sleep. It was hopeless. All she could was replay her minds fictionalized account of what was happening to Marlene, and with every passing moment it became more and more graphic. Sometimes she got so stuck in her thoughts that she would just sit there and torture herself with all of the 'could have', 'maybe's.' This was a whole new level of pain, because Mary's death had made Marlene's that much more likely.

And those thoughts brought Lily back to the image of Mary; dark skinned, bright eyed, sharp-tongued Mary. The girl who always seemed like she was in her late forty's than in her late teens couldn't be dead. It seemed so…beneath her. Like she was too smart and too elegant to have her life cut short in such a demeaning and hateful way. Lily wanted to be able to be in denial about it. She didn't want to think about the look on the McDonald's face's when they came to collect Mary's things, something Dumbledore informed her would happen very soon. It all felt so wrong and so unbelievable that Lily was forced to crush Sergeant Mitten's into her chest in an attempt to soak up all the heartache. It didn't work. Instead Lily laid there for hours, half covered in her crimson Gryffindor crested covers, wide awake.

* * *

The next day was a Sunday so they didn't have classes, Lily had never wished that was different so much in her life. If she had class she could throw herself into the subject, memorizing every fact and minor detail until they became as much a part of her as anything else. This was hell.

What was worse at the beginning of the day was seeing James. If she thought she felt horrible, nothing was as bad he and Sirius looked. She was relieved to see they had obviously put their fight behind them, but also incredibly saddened to see that yet another horrible thing stood in front of them, swallowing them whole.

What was worse at the end of the day was seeing Mary's parents. Lily didn't get to know Mary as well as she could have over the years. Mary usually kept to herself or was with Alice so Lily never knew that she had a little sister and that she looked just like her mother. They had the same sized eyes, the same small stature, and the similar looking skin tones. Mary's father though took the cake. Often Lily had thought it was interesting how much of people's physical appearance they gained from their parents. With Mr. McDonald it was different though. It was like by gaining his eye color she had also gained a quiet strength that resided in them at all times. Even as his wife sobbed into his chest, he said nothing, he just held her, grabbed his daughters things and left.

Lily was the only one around for the whole process. Dorcas had left first thing in the morning to go see Dumbledore and hadn't come back since. In the back of her mind she wondered if Dorcas was upset enough to go home, but then even the idea of it didn't seem right to Lily. She knew Dorcas would never chose to go home for any reason, but still she worried about what might have happened to her.

Sitting in her empty dormitory, Lily leaned back on her bedpost and thought of what her options were. It was nearing the time she would usually go to bed, but she found that she wasn't tired at all. Even if she was though, she knew there was no way she would be able to sleep there. So she got up in her favorite pajamas and went down to the common room.

When she got there she was surprised to see James longing on the couch. She wanted to just walk back upstairs, but she didn't. Something was pulling her to him. If she thought about it the situation didn't seem so crazy. They were both close with Marlene, it made sense that they would keep each other's company, but still she treaded cautiously. There was just something about James Potter that scared her. Sirius was right, she had no reason to be afraid of James, but there was something about him that made her question herself and for Lily that was scarier than anything else he could do to her.

"James," She said softly, crawling down across from him.

His eyes lifted from off in the distance to her eyes, and then to her pajamas. "Who gave you those?"

"…Marlene." Lily muttered in a small voice, "Deer's are my favorite animal."

James's face shifted, but he didn't say anything. Instead he ran hand through his hair and sighed. "What are you doing up Evans?"

"I can't sleep up there."

"Everyone's gone aren't they?"

Lily nodded. "I don't know where Dorcas went…"

"Remus said she went to stay with Marlene's family for the night." James paused thoughtfully, "I'm not a big fan of Meadowes…but I think she went to go make sure Marlene's family was taken care of."

Tears rose in Lily's eyes but she blinked them away. "...That's exactly what Marlene would want."

"Yeah," He agreed, "I'm glad Meadowes did it."

They both paused, as the cold November air chilled the hollow common room. Lily started biting her nails absentmindedly, but stopped when she saw James watching her. His face wasn't disapproving, but just observing her actions.

"Mary's parents were here today." Lily announced blankly.

James's lips pressed together. "I heard. That has to be every parents nightmare…"

"Isn't your father the Head of the Auror department?"

"Yes he is." James said, his voice missing the usual undercurrent of pride that this proclamation was usually attached to. "He was here earlier, questioning students…My mum was with Marlene's parents."

Lily shivered, and curled her arms around herself. "Your parents are close?"

James nodded, his eyes dropping from her face. "I think originally her family wanted us to even get married, but then they saw how we were with one another..."

"I bet your mum would like that," Lily tried to tease remembering what he told her the day before. "Then she could keep Marlene around."

"I won't ever marry Marlene, but it doesn't matter. Marlene will always be around." James said, his voice defiant of any other notion.

Lily wished she knew what to say to comfort him. He looked so calm, but the longer she looked at him the more upset she saw he was. It was actually quite an accomplishment, because people no one would have looked at him long enough to notice this change. James Potter was excellent at seeming in control. She figured it was because of his almost regal upbringing that made him keep it together so well. A small part of her was envious. She wished she were able to stop crying and be practical about this. But she couldn't and she knew that it was incredibly selfish of her. Here was James, who had been best friends with Marlene for his entire life, going through a sibling's worst nightmare and he was keeping it together. Lily on the other hand had known Marlene only a few short years and couldn't think of anything hopeful or inspirational. She should be the one helping James that was what Marlene would want, but she didn't know what to say. What do you say to reassure someone when you have no idea how to reassure yourself?

She didn't have an answer. So instead of saying the wrong thing and upsetting James further she decided to change the subject.

"Where's Sirius?"

"He's upstairs with Remus and Peter." James said adjusting in his seat and fixing his glasses. He set Lily with a look. "Do you know if something was happening between them?"

Lily paused and shook her head. "I don't know. I don't think so."

"Because they were sleeping in the same bed." James frowned, his face hardened in distinct disapproval.

"That doesn't mean anything…_I mean_…" She let out a cough like laugh thinking of Sirius. "Usually with Sirius that means something, but I think that it's different with Marlene."

"That's what worries me." He admitted. "I don't want them around each other_ like that_."

"That's their choice."

James scoffed darkly, "We'll see about that."

Lily sighed and rolled her eyes before asking him a more serious question. "Have you gotten any sleep?"

"No…_I can't._" He told her, biting the side of his bottom lip. "I don't think the guys have either…You?"

She shook her head. "I just can't turn my brain off."

"Me neither."

They were only a few inches a part, but Lily could feel his body heat radiating from the couch cushions. She tried to focus on what they were talking about, but her mind clung to this. Any excuse to not think about Marlene her brain hung onto for dear life. Her green eyes glanced at his body and wondered why he was so warm it was freezing and still he was warm in his oversized crimson and gold Quidditch t-shirt.

"I have an idea." James announced suddenly, turning to face her. His eyes caught her and he seemed a little surprised to see she was already looking at him.

"Wwhat?" Lily choked, shifting away from him nervously.

A small smirk appeared on his face, but it faded quickly as he spoke. "Why don't we all sleep down here?"

"So we can all commiserate together?"

"Exactly."

"We might as well," Lily shrugged, "I don't know how we are going to get through classes tomorrow."

"Together."

James reached over boldly and placed his hand over hers. It was a simple gesture, one that Lily was sure he had done millions of times in his life, but that didn't stop her from feeling differently about it. His touch brought heat to her unnaturally cold hand, and instead of instantly pulling away he kept his hand there. Their eyes flickered onto one another's and Lily felt her chest rise and fall faster than normal. In a few seconds James would release her hand and go get the boys. In a few hours they would all be gathered together in the common room in crimson and gold sleeping bags that James transfigured. But right then, for a few moments James appreciated the fact that she didn't move or flinch, and Lily appreciated the fact that she didn't mind it.

* * *

**Authors Note:**

This chapter is dedicated to my dear friends Erika. If it weren't for her I would have waited to write this for another week, but she encourages me so often I am UNABLE to stay away from it. _THANK YOU FOR READING AND REVIEWING!_


	18. Running Up That Hill

_Be running up that road,_  
_Be running up that hill,_  
_Be running up that building_

**-Placebo-**

* * *

The sleepover idea was originally intended just for that night, but as soon as Alice and Dorcas returned they seemed completely for the idea of all of them sleeping in the common room. Other students didn't seem to like it too much, but none of them said anything directly to them. Now that the Marauder's were back together, no one seemed to want to test them.

At breakfast all the students seemed to still be gossiping about the attack over the weekend and Marlene's kidnapping. Mary wasn't known to most of them so no one even hesitated talking about her. Thankfully Alice had opted to skip breakfast, if she had heard the way they mentioned her like she was just some girl, Dorcas would have had to take them all out for her. Both Lily and Dorcas had transitioned quickly from grieving to anger. Lily wanted to believe that people were truly looking for Marlene and that she was going to be safely returned to them, but after waiting so long they were all on edge.

"It's been four days." Lily growled in frustration as she gnawed through several strawberries. "I can't believe they haven't gotten her back. That is more than enough time to find her and get her."

Dorcas nodded in firm agreement, absentmindedly curling the ends of her dark hair. "I'm giving Dumbledore until dinner and then I'm tracking him down and demanding to know what's going on."

"I'm coming with you." Lily said immediately.

"So are we." James declared as the Marauder's sat around them.

Dorcas wasn't really surprised, but she did find this whole show of unity… odd. It made sense. They wouldn't be working with The Marauder's if this weren't about Marlene but it just seemed so strange to her that it had happened so easily. For years Lily had hated James, and Dorcas never particularly cared for any of the rest of him except for Peter, but right then it didn't matter. Because the one team they were all one was the one team that was falling.

"Meadowes," Sirius started gruffly. "Pass the butter."

Lily turned to Sirius, and eyed him. He didn't look as bad as he had in the past week. Finally he had shaven and was regularly was showering, but he was trying to hard to seem perfectly back to normal. Occasionally he would eye one of the many girls in his fan club and wink at them, but his heart wasn't in it. It was like if he made himself believe that Marlene was just his friend than he wouldn't have to deal with the possibility of losing her. A month ago Lily would never have thought that. She would have been disgusted by him and thought he was the lowest creature in the world for choosing to hit on girls rather than worry about his friend. But Lily saw through it now. She saw the way his face lit up every time a blond girl would enter the great hall, and the way his chest would tighten up when he would see it wasn't her.

She wanted to comfort him, but Lily knew he'd run from it. Sirius Black was not a man that faced his feelings. He was a man that charmed the ladies and laughed in his enemies' faces. This wasn't a man that allowed himself to fall in love with anyone, let alone his best friends non biological sister. Everyone else couldn't see it, but Lily could and it broke her heart, because she knew his heart was breaking too.

They needed Marlene back and Lily was so sick and tired of doing exactly what she was told. Seeing Sirius had hardened her resolve, if Dorcas didn't go up to Dumbledore, Lily would. They didn't have time to wait for their elders to decide when the time was right. They needed Marlene now.

Dorcas rose first and waited for Lily to stand before she linked arms with her. It wasn't just a girlish gesture anymore but a sign of mutual support, and they needed it to get through the day. The day before they went to all of their classes and came out relatively unscathed, but today felt different. There was an energy in the air, a fight or flight instinct that seemed to pulse around them, warning Lily to stay on guard.

* * *

During Transfiguration everything went as it always did. Dorcas forced herself to focus on her notes, but eventually she gave up and just decided to copy Lily's notes later. Thankfully, Lily was still able to comprehend McGonagall's lecture. Her attention hadn't been completely hindered like Dorcas's had. Dorcas even watched Lily's face scrunch up in concentration for a few seconds in amazement before shaking her head. It wasn't that she disapproved; it was simply that Dorcas couldn't hang onto any distractions. Lily was always good at task management and sorting out her priorities. Dorcas on the other hand couldn't do that at all. Even now when she wanted more than anything to put her mind on transfiguration instead of worrying endlessly about Marlene, she couldn't. Nothing seemed to have a big enough hold on her to stop the ideas from swirling around her head. So instead she tapped her three-inch heels on the floor impatiently and waited for class to end.

Once it did, Lily was not pleased to see Marlene's ex boyfriend rise to talk to her. Today was not the day to test Lily's kindness and she knew he'd be doing just that. It wasn't that Jason Locke was a bad person, he only dated Marlene a few months, but Lily still remembered the look on Marlene's face when she told Lily he had cheated on her. It could have been centuries ago and she still wouldn't have forgiven him. As far as she was concerned, he could keep his sleazy, hair slicked back, Ravenclaw arse on his side of the room.

"Evans, I was wondering if you heard anything about Marlene." Jason asked casually almost sounding concerned as adjusted his bag strap, his big brown eyes staring down at her.

Her lips firmed up into a single unforgiving line. "No."

"I always knew this would happen to her." He sighed, clearly not sensing her attitude towards him as they exited the classroom.

"What?!" Lily snapped defensively.

Jason frowned in disapproval, "She always was nice to everyone except Slytherin's. It makes sense that they would make an example out of her."

"Are you saying …she deserves this?" Lily growled incredulously.

"I guess in a way she did." He nodded ignorantly.

A surging rage filled Lily in a way she'd never been angry before. James had made her mad, he made her want to kill him, but she had never thought to hit him. Lily never had hit someone. She didn't even know how she would go about it if she were forced in that situation, but that didn't matter, because with or without practice or preparation she clocked Jason right in the face. Her knuckles swelled up and were slightly discolored when she pulled them back from his face, but it was nothing next to the blood that had started leaking out of his nose.

They were a few feet away from the classroom, students were still walking out, but only Dorcas and Remus were close enough to see what was happening, and neither of them had moved to stop her. They both just stood cautiously behind Lily waiting for Jason's next move. His tan face twisted with hatred, and he looked absolutely livid.

"You little bitch-" Jason began, through the blood, his own fist raising.

"Touch her," Remus began with a snarl, as he moved in front of Lily. His amber eyes darkened. "And _I will_ lay you out on this floor."

For some reason that seemed to sober Lily and Jason up. Maybe it was the fact that Remus never stood up to anybody. Maybe it was that everyone would have thought those words would have come from Sirius. His face was cold and completely livid, and it was actually scaring Lily a bit. She'd never seen this side of him, he never had a temper, or at least if he did he'd never used it in front of her. It made sense though; a man doesn't just turn into a beast once a month and not having any lingering rage and resentment. Either way, it raised the stakes to a much more heated level than it had been with Lily.

Dorcas reacted quickly, she couldn't stand in between them, that would only set Jason off, but at the same time Jason wasn't the one that had to calm down, Remus was, so she lightly placed her small manicured hand on Remus's wrist. It took him a second to feel her there, the adrenaline was pumping too hard for him to notice anything, but once he did, he visibly relaxed, and his eyes lightened.

"Just walk away Locke._ Or_ I will give you a reason to." Dorcas told him cuttingly, her wand in her opposite hand. Once Jason did, she turned to face Remus. "You alright Lupin?"

He nodded, and looked down at the hand she still had on his previously clenched fist.

She released his arm and walked a few feet over to Lily. "What the bloody hell was that?!"

"I've had e-nough," Lily spat, her eyes full of fire. "I'm getting answers."

"What about class?" Dorcas gestured down the hall in bewilderment.

"I don't care about class!"

Letting out a low whistle, Dorcas followed her and muttered under her breath. "First sign of the apocalypse…Check."

"What was THAT?" James questioned Dorcas as he Sirius, Remus and Peter walked along with them.

"Your boy almost knocked Locke out." Dorcas gestured to Remus with a hint of pride.

Remus let out a short laugh. "Well in my defense, Lily got the first punch."

"You punched someone?!" James breathed in awe.

"Yes Potter," Lily stated as she practically ran up the staircase. "I did and I'm more than willing to hit anyone else who gets in my way at this point!"

James and Sirius shared an impressed look as the five of them chased after Lily. She normally was a fast walker, but she was moving so rapidly even James had to work to keep up with her.

"So what exactly is your plan Lily?" Peter gulped behind her. "You can't exactly go in there and interrogate Dumbledore."

Lily's steam of anger paused as logic came into the equation. Her eyebrows furrowed, but she didn't stop moving. "I will simply ask him what is being done."

"Uh, there's a problem there Lil," Dorcas informed her as they approached the entrance to the Headmaster's office. "He doesn't have a good reason to answer us."

James stepped forward, "We might as well see what he has to say."

Lily paused and gave him a small smile, before uttering the password and racing up the steps. Behind her Dorcas gave her an unsure look. Sure she had intended to do the exact same thing, but it didn't feel the same at all. Dorcas was going to have a calm conversation with Dumbledore and then understand the situation better. No matter what the answer to her questions were, it seemed like Lily would still be out for blood until Marlene was back.

Knocking on the door, Lily set her chin and waited for a response. It was funny, but she was so pumped full of energy she didn't even consider that Dumbledore could be anywhere else or that he wouldn't allow her in. All she could think about was getting to Marlene by any means possible.

"Enter," Dumbledore announced, and Lily didn't wait a single second.

* * *

She pushed through the door, with Dorcas, Remus, Sirius, James and Peter all right behind her. Dumbledore stood at his desk, with Marlene's 25-year-old brother, Rick standing next to him. Dorcas immediately walked past Lily and hugged Rick. He smirked in a fashion that reminded Lily of Sirius. His hair was bright blond just like Marlene and all the other McKinnons, but his eyes were dark and collected.

"Hey Dora," Rick ruffled Dorcas's hair as she moved back to the others. "What are you lot doing here?"

"Wondering what is being done about Marlene." Lily directed at Dumbledore.

Dumbledore nodded, flicked his wand and gestured for them to sit in the brand new armchairs that appeared in his office. Lily glanced at James and saw he was already sitting, so she and Dorcas followed suit giving Dumbledore a chance to explain what was happening.

"We are doing everything possible at the current moment." He began diplomatically. "The issue is we have found where she is being held, but the Auror's are trying to be cautious about entering."

"Why?" Sirius questioned, leaning forward in his seat, his hands clamped together.

"Because Mr. Black," Dumbledore began, "They have no idea what sort of enchantments are placed around three of the four entrances and not a clue how many Death Eater's reside inside."

James cleared his throat thoughtfully. "So…They don't want to risk it?"

Rick nodded grimly, crossing his pale muscular arms. "Not without an idea of the consequences. They see one teenager as collateral damage as opposed to how many Auror's might be lost."

"You're an Auror Rick!" Dorcas shot furiously, "Why wouldn't they want to help you? She's your sister!"

"Because they aren't taking it as a personal matter like I am."

"And what are you going to do?" Lily countered.

Rick frowned. "I will take care of it. I have some friends that might be able to help. I will get Marlene out by the end of the week."

Lily opened her mouth, but closed it. James however looked directly at Dumbledore. "What about you Professor?"

"I'm afraid this is a Ministry matter now." Dumbledore announced with a note finality.

The five of them shared looks, but none of them said anything. It was clear that no matter how smart and mature they were neither Rick nor Dumbledore would tell any of them anything. They looked at them and just saw a bunch of sixteen-year-old kids, not as allies.

James stood up first and soon the rest followed as they shuffled out of Dumbledore's office. None of them said anything as they left, not even goodbye. All of them were simply too angry to speak. They waited till they were far from Dumbledore's office, before James uttered a slur of swears and turned to face them.

"That's complete bullocks," James stated furiously. "_That's it_. We gave them a chance to have an actual plan and we are just supposed to wait and see if Rick's friends come through? …We are doing this ourselves."

"Do you have a plan Prongs?" Remus asked as the boys wrapped their arms around each other's shoulders.

"I thought you'd never ask-"

"We want in." Dorcas said stepping forward and pushing their huddle to make room for her and Lily.

James's mouth opened, but Dorcas immediately jumped in. Her dark brown eyes were set, and her jaw was jilted as she glowered at men that towered over her.

"_Oh-no_, you four aren't going to cut us out of this." She pointed at James, "Last time you saw her you called her Sirius's whore," Her finger shifted to Remus, "You dated, and shagged her for a year without loving her even though you _knew_ she loved you." Dorcas then pointed at Sirius, "And _don't-even_ get me started on you Black."

"It's too-" Sirius began.

"If you say dangerous, we can _and will_ beat the shit out of you." Dorcas shot back at him crossing her arms. "I am no less strong than you, and I'm actually a better dueler than ALL of you. So you either accept our help or we will go and you will stay behind."

James blinked in confusion. "Wait what?"

"You wouldn't even know anything if it weren't for us!" Lily sighed, and looked James dead in the eye, her face completely and entirely serious as she said, "We. Are. Going."

Scowling James threw up his hands and consented. "Fine, but this won't be easy-"

"Yeah we figured that, when the adults couldn't handle it." Dorcas replied icily.

"Fine!" James scoffed, "But let's move this conversation elsewhere."

"Fine," Dorcas countered following him. "But if you think you can shake us, I advise against it."

Sirius eyed her as they began walking, "And why is that?"

"We are both smarter than all of you." Lily answered promptly for Dorcas.


	19. Carry On My Wayward Son

_Once I rose above the noise and confusion_  
_Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion_  
_I was soaring ever higher_

**-Kansas-**

* * *

Letting out a large sigh James left his dormitory and headed for the room of requirement. He had turned himself invisible, but he still felt paranoid. They were only sixteen and if Dumbledore caught them trying to leave the castle there would be hell to pay. And James understood why. They were too young to be doing this. It was risky and frankly mad to think the six of them had any chance of helping return Marlene, but they had to. It may have seemed overdramatic for them to put all of their lives on the line for Marlene, but they had to, whether they survived or not didn't matter at that point. It was more important that they tried.

Strolling into the room of requirement James smiled at his friends. Remus was going over strategies with Dorcas. Peter was debating what Zonko's products were more helpful to bring. And Lily was putting ice on her swollen hand.

"I can't believe you punched Locke," James laughed under his breath as he eyed her bruising hand.

Lily grinned despite her best efforts not to. She zipped up her sweatshirt. "He deserved it."

"Still, pretty impressive." James said sitting down on the plush couch she was sitting on. "Why are you putting ice on your hand?"

She shrugged, "Sometimes I like to do things the old fashioned way. What is that?" Lily said pointing to the bracelet in his hand.

"Okay," He began raising his hands in innocence. "I know women can fight just as well as men, if not better, but …I still feel like taking a little precaution."

"Are those…strawberries?" She said in a soft voice he'd never heard her use before.

He blushed but her eyes were too focused on the silver bracelet to see. "James…I can't accept this."

"Look, you can give it back when we get back." He reasoned.

"Fine," She smiled at him slipping it over her wrist. Lily wanted to be mad, but as soon as she saw what was dangling on the bracelet, she had to stop herself from beaming. "Why did you pick strawberries?"

James didn't answer; instead he looked over at the others worriedly. "I don't know how well this is going to go."

"Having second thoughts?" She lowered her voice so the others would hear.

"No, we have to do this, but…I don't know what good it will do. We're just kids." James admitted.

Lily paused before lightly grabbing his hand. His eyes instantly locked on hers. "We are strong together…we will all look after each other. They are expecting negotiations not a band of reengaged teenagers."

He smiled. "Yeah…yeah."

"You're parents are going to kill you though," Lily said removing her hand from his.

Frowning he shrugged. "They're always are lecturing me about something. Might as well give them something to lecture me about…wouldn't want them to get bored."

"I highly doubt raising you was boring." She scoffed, playing with the strawberries on the end of her bracelet.

"Well," he drawled scooting a little closer to her; unable to stop the smirk building on his lips from watching her wearing the bracelet he bought her. "Nothing I do is ever boring."

Lily glanced up in surprise, her face flushing, her eyes dilating and her throat tightening.

"Yo!" Dorcas called from across the room. "Potter! Evans! Come on! We have to get a move on!"

James let out a sigh of disappointment but still rose to his feet. "Coming Commander Meadowes."

"Commander," Dorcas smirked like a cat as she zipped up her boots. "I like that Potter."

"Everyone set on the rules for tonight?" James asked the other five.

Dorcas rolled her eyes tightening her ponytail. "Stay with our partners and signal if there's a problem."

"And?" He questioned looking at Sirius.

"Leave if we can't find Marlene within a half hour." Sirius answered in a tone that wasn't exactly cooperative.

"Right, alright. Now bigger problem who knows how to apparate?" Dorcas questioned the group, crossing her arms in her tan leather jacket. "Because I sure as shit don't, am I sure you don't either Lily."

Lily shook her head with disappointed frown. "I didn't want to practice without an authorized adult."

"Well we do." Peter said pointing to Sirius, James and himself. "Why don't we just link with our partners?"

"Great idea Wormy," James grinned clapping him on the shoulder. "Let's go over the plan one more time-"

"UGH! Prongs COME ON!" Sirius growled in frustration.

James eyes narrowed. "We are risking our lives and Marlene's by doing this, so allow me a minute to make sure we aren't completely mad."

"But we are though," Sirius muttered under his breath not understanding the problem with that.

Dorcas shoved Sirius and began, "Potter will be my back up as I cause a distraction at the main Death Eater holding room."

"Remus?" James checked sliding his glasses up into place.

Remus straightened up, "I will be with Lily checking the left half of the building for Marlene."

"Sirius?" James questioned next.

Sirius gave him a look and said, "Wormy and I will check the right half."

"Okay…" James licked his lips nervously. "Let's go."

Lily didn't second-guess herself; she grabbed Dorcas's hand and held onto it tightly. For once Lily just trusted her instincts. She knew that despite how tough and independent Dorcas was, she would and did need Lily's support and she wasn't wrong. Dorcas's hand was shaking when Lily's hand gripped it but became strong and steady. They would make it through this, they would be okay, they had to be.

Once they reached the apparation point they took off the invisibility curse and moved to stand next to their partner. Dorcas grabbed James hand, Remus grabbed Lily's and Peter and Sirius gripped each other's arms. Before they left, all of them formed a circle and just looked at one another. They knew this could be the last time they'd see each other, but none of them could handle saying anything to one another. Any word might condemn them, so instead they just let out a collective sigh and vanished.

* * *

In a vast exceedingly ordinary, stark white brick lined room stood five Death Eaters. One, clearly the leader, was standing in front of all of them. His entire physical appearance was shadowed by his jet black Death Eater's robes and matching mask. It didn't do anything to hinder his authority. Both Avery brothers stood perfectly still waiting to see what the older male wished to know as the other two hung back waiting for orders.

"You didn't kill the girl did you?" Joseph Marks questioned straightening his robes and eyeing the less superior and much younger Death Eater's.

"No," Twenty year old Palvin Avery muttered, "She is still breathing."

"Excellent," Marks sneered, "Now I want you to tell the old recruits to return back to London to wait on further instructions."

Avery nodded, "What do you want me to do with the new recruits?"

"Train them." He declared, his blue eyes twisting in delight. "Tomorrow they will be used as we take a girl from another blood traitor family."

"What are you planning to do with the current prisoner?"

"Keep her until we get word from the Dark Lord. Now go." Joseph Marks ordered him coolly.

"My lord," The seventeen-year-old Avery stepped forward eyeing his brother's exit carefully. "Might I inquire why we are waiting to murder McKinnon?"

Marks tilted his head, "Avery, how long have you been a Death Eater?"

"Seven months."

"And what," Marks whispered taking an aggressive step forward, "Makes you think you can ask such questions?"

"Sorry to interrupt," Dorcas sighed leaning against the doorframe with a wide smirk. "But I'm looking for the man in charge."

"Right here sweetheart." Joseph smirked, walking around Avery and approaching her. "What can I help you with?"

"Well," She licked her lips and sighed, "I need to know how many Death Eater's are here."

"And why, would I tell you that?" He asked standing only a few feet away from her.

She smiled wildly, "Because I'm pretty, and pretty girls usually get what they want."

"I'm sorry love," He cooed feigning disappointment, "But I'm afraid that's not how this works."

"This one does," Dorcas informed him, as she roundhouse kicked him in the face, put her boot on his throat and pointed her wand into his cheek. "Now, where would they be then?"

The man struggled on the floor, and gasped at the other Death Eaters for help as his wand was tossed across the room. But they couldn't help, because James had already gagged and tied them all up.

"Now," Dorcas smirked proudly. "Why don't we try that again?"

* * *

"Okay," Remus sighed in frustration after checking another room. "We aren't getting anywhere, we need to split up."

"Haven't you ever watched Scooby Doo?"

"Okay Lily, I've watched muggle TV and I have no idea what you're talking about."

"It's an American show," She brushed him off, "But the point is they always split up and then they always get in bigger trouble by being apart."

Remus rolled his eyes and paused. "Lily, we don't have time to look everywhere. Its either we split up or we risk not finding here at all."

Lily frowned and huffed. "Fine, but if we die because of your antics Lupin, I'm going to choke you in hell."

He scoffed as he moved off to the further part of the corridor. "Stay safe Lil."

"You too." Lily mumbled becoming nervous as she turned down another of hallway.

Her heart was pounding as she searched for something, anything to show her she was going in the right direction, but so far she was just finding a lot of traces of blood. After a few minutes it occurred to her that this was their torture house, which instilled a whole new wave of fear in her. Lily knew a lot of defensive spells and was quicker than expected in a duel, but she was still terrified. What if she came up against someone with twenty years of experience? She didn't stand a chance if that happened.

"What are you doing?" A voice snapped behind her.

Lily nearly dropped her wand, but quickly tightened her grip and backed away in a defensive stance. "…Regulus Black?"

"What are you doing here?!" He asked, his grey eyes narrowed in the exact same way Sirius's would have been.

"They have Marlene." She answered instantly completely unsure whether to be afraid or comforted by Sirius's brother's presence.

Regulus paused. Off in the distance Lily could hear screaming and shouting, and the building itself began to shake, but neither one of them moved. Lily didn't know what to do. For the life of her she didn't know whether she should freeze him or run from him, either option seemed like a risk and she didn't know which way to lean. He looked so much like Sirius, he had the same hair, the same eyes and looked to be even the same height, but there was just something about him that was different. And it wasn't that he was untrustworthy or dark, it was that even he didn't seem to know what side he was on and that made her more nervous. She would rather be faced with someone that knew what they were doing so she could respond accordingly. Now she was just shifting back and forth waiting for him to do something almost shaking in apprehension on what way he might go.

"SHIT! LILY A WHOLE TON OF THEM ARE COMING!" Remus shouted urgently in the distance.

Lily eyed Regulus. "Is she over here?"

He said nothing, his face blank.

"Regulus," She attempted again, her voice softer. "We just want Marlene. Your brother is here, if you tell us we will just grab her and go."

"I can't tell you where she is,"

"Regulus-" She stopped, her eyes getting big as she realized what he was saying. "You can't say where he is, but if I was looking over here would I be wasting my time?"

He nodded.

"Okay, thank you. That's all I needed to know."

She gave him an unsure glance as she moved around him and then ran full force away from him. He never raised his wand to stop her, but he did watch as other Death Eaters tried to take out the walls to stop them. Regulus did nothing, he just watched.

* * *

Sirius and Peter had separated in what seemed like forever to Peter. He had checked room after room and found nothing, but he heard a commotion coming towards him and he knew he had to hurry. So he flippantly opened door after door hoping that he could find Marlene and just leave. Peter didn't want to be here anymore, he was getting scared and all he wanted was to be safe in his bed again. But as he absentmindedly opened one door, he wasn't prepared for what he was going to find.

Peter was horrified. His eyes caught onto the blood and a vile of vomit rose in his throat and tears of crippling fear pricked at his eyes. He knew he should call for Sirius and he should run to Marlene but he was terrified that if he did he might find that she was no longer breathing. He had watched his father die. Peter Pettigrew had watched the life leave his father and he had vowed never to put himself in a situation where he would have to watch that again. But here he was, sixteen years old, scared shitless and wondering whether one of his best friends was alive or not.

He couldn't move, he could barely breathe. He didn't sign up for this. All of the things he did with the marauders he signed up for, but this wasn't a part of the deal. Peter didn't want to be involved in the war. His eyes glued the smears of blood on the wall and the untold agony that Marlene endured in the room. Peter had always said he wasn't brave, his friends said he was humble, but he wasn't, he was just being honest. When it came down to him or his friends, he would fight for his friends. But there was also a part of him that always chose the winning team. And right then, he could see that no matter how good James and Sirius were, the other side was more ruthless. What was the point in fighting at all when the other side was willing to go to such lengths? Marlene wasn't even apart of anything that could have gotten her in trouble. She was just in a family that didn't care about blood status, and she happened to have friends who weren't pureblood. And this was what they did to her.

It made Peter shake to the core at the idea of what they would do to him if Death Eaters found out he had been involved in rescuing her.

"I just checked all of the rooms," Sirius breathed heavily as he ran up next to him. Running a hand through his long hair he added, "Found some nasty shit, but didn't find her. How'd you do mate?"

Peter paled as he pointed at the limp body on the floor. Sirius turned to look in the room. His face had been exhausted but thrilled at the idea of a fight. But all the tension that had been building in his chest from the anticipation of finding Marlene dropped. Instantly he bolted into the room. Unlike Peter, Sirius dove in the room and didn't look at the blood or the state of the room. All he saw was Marlene's hair fanned out on the floor and her unmoving body.

He opened his mouth to say her last name like he always did, but his throat clamped up when he realized she might not still be alive. Sirius gently rolled her over so he could assess what damage had been done. She couldn't be dead. He wouldn't allow it, not even as a fleeting thought in his head. Not even for a split second.

Just by looking at her he could see a few of her ribs were broken, and checking her leg was definitely broken, but that wasn't where the blood was coming from. His face hardened in revulsion when he cautiously peeled back her ripped cotton t-shirt and found the source of her wound. The blood was dripping from a word that had been carved into her chest just below her collarbone. He immediately started shaking with blind anger just thinking of all the Death Eaters that would suffer for this. The room was falling down around them, dust and debris were falling to the floor, but all he could think about was his rage.

How could somebody do this to her? She had done nothing to deserve this. His mind flashed back to when his own father had tortured her and furious tears shot down his face. He had to do something. Someone had to pay for this, but first he had to see if she was even alive.

Gulping, his fingers lightly held her undersized wrist, and he pressed down to see if she had a pulse. For a few seconds he didn't feel anything, but then there was frail tremor and he let out a large sigh of relief, brushing her hair out of her face.

"Sirius?" She croaked, her eyes fluttering to stay open.

His heart broke in two at the sight. Automatically his battered hand went to cradle the side of her face. "Mar…?"

"Sirius…" Her voice was raspy and worn from screaming, but her eyes centered on his determinedly. "I think I'm bleeding…"

"I know," Sirius told her quietly rubbing the tears off of her face and scooping her up into his lap. His face became enraged and he cupped her face to his. "Marlene McKinnon, I'm not going to let anyone hurt you."

She looked away at Peter desperately, "Pete…take Sirius…and run."

"_Hey_!" Sirius snapped drawing her attention. "I am not leaving you. I won't ever let anyone hurt you. _Do. You. Understand. Me_?"

She cleared her throat before coughing a begrudging defeat.

"I'm going to pick you up okay?"

She nodded weakly, her eyes leaking a few tears as he shuffled her body more securely into his arms.

Marlene still shook as her body went through the shock of massive blood loss, but as her head went into the crook of his neck her body didn't spasm as much. Curses, and hexes blasted through the halls and Peter blocked for the three of them as they fought their way back through crumbling building.

Remus and Lily had to crawl out of the debris to get through the enclosing space. Coughing, Lily stumbled forward into the dust, and gripped onto Remus's shoulder for stability. In the distance she saw jets of light and recognized the voices crying out the spells. Raising their wands, Remus and Lily took out four of the six people who were dueling Dorcas and James which let them take out the other two with little trouble.

"Are you two okay?" James shouted to them.

"Yeah! She wasn't in the left wing, and I don't think they intended to keep her here long anyway. We didn't see any hostages over there." Lily answered gathering her breath, as she put her hands on her sides.

Remus bit his already bleeding lip in frustration. "I think this is just a holding building. They don't have much here."

Dorcas nodded and wiped the sweat off her forehead with the back of her hand as her dark hair frizzed up. "They aren't the best fighters. But let's get out of here before they prove us wrong."

"Where's Sirius and Wormtail?" Remus questioned.

"I dunno…" James paused, "You three head back out and clear the way. I'm going to go see what's taking them so long."

"Potter-" Dorcas started, an argument ready to go on her lips.

"THAT'S AN ORDER COMMANDER." James yelled back as he ducked away from the hexes of the next slew of Death Eaters.

Dorcas cracked her neck, limbered up and gave the other two a look. "Come on kids, let's give them hell."

James raced through the building knocking into every wall as he searched for his friends. Tension began to build in his chest and his lower back as he considered the inevitable, they could all be dead. Peter wasn't the best dueler and Sirius could only cover so much of the slack. They could have not made it. That thought only made him push himself faster until he saw two figures moving towards him. Immediately he raised his wand to fire off another spell, but he paused when he saw one of them was caring a very sick looking woman.

As soon James saw it was Marlene he took her from Sirius and addressed the other two authoritatively. "You two go before me, to catch any stragglers. I've got Mar."

Sirius didn't look like he was willing to leave until he saw the expression on James's face. "GO!" James shouted as he began to run with Marlene's arms digging into his shoulders.

"Jay," She whispered.

"Shhh, I've got you little sis." He muttered tucking her into his body protectively. "We are getting out of here."


	20. Paradise

_When she was just a girl_  
_She expected the world_  
_But it flew away from her reach_

**-Coldplay-**

* * *

"Ready Mar?" James asked draping his arm over her shoulder warmly.

She nodded, though her heart wasn't in it.

"What's wrong?" He questioned as they trailed up the steps to the Headmasters Office.

"Nothing." She feigned a smile. "Let's just see our family."

* * *

_"Mr. Black," Madame Promfrey whispered as to not disturb the other patients. "Ms. McKinnon will be asleep for twenty four hours. I've given her an extremely strong sedative so she can take that time to heal and gain all the sleep she missed during her captivity."_

_"I'm aware of that." He replied adjusting in his seat haughtily._

_"Well you can't stay here for twenty four hours."_

_"Why not Poppy?" Sirius asked coyly flashing her his best smile, which was only accented by his stumbled and the bruise on the side of his jaw._

_She frowned and popped her hand on her hip, trying and failing to not be swayed by his looks. "Fine, but if you disrupt any of my other patients I will throw you out."_

* * *

"You both understand of course that despite that you were successful and we are ecstatic about the outcome you must never undertake a mission like that on your own."

James looked confused. "Why is that sir?"

"Because all of you including Ms. McKinnon were extremely fortunate to have survived that situation and a large majority of you were unharmed in your rescue of Ms. McKinnon." Dumbledore paused and upon seeing the look on James face continued. "From what you have told me you got there just as

"Professor, I mean this with complete and total respect," James began seriously. "But if one of my friends is endanger I'm going to go help them."

"That's honorable James-"

"No professor, it's simple," James interrupted him earnestly, "I don't know if you've noticed, but Marlene is a part of my family. And I don't know about you sir, but there isn't any risk or obstacle I wouldn't endure to protect my family."

Marlene's eyes watered as the sincerity of his words brought her away from her anger for a few brief moments. She reached over and grabbed his hand. "Ditto."

"Very well." Dumbledore muttered, for some reason not able to look at James. "Your parents should be here soon. I will leave to give you sometime alone, and return when your time is up."

"Thank you professor," James said for both of them as he sensed Marlene wouldn't.

As soon as Dumbledore left they both sat in an awkward silence. It wasn't that either of them had a problem with each other. It was that both of their thoughts were on someone thing else, something from the past and neither of them could quite focus entirely focus on the present.

Marlene had been out of the hospital wing for only a few hours. She wasn't even close to being fully healed, but she was healed enough to leave the hospital wing for a few hours. Soon, Madame Promfrey promised her that she would be healed enough to go back to classes and even play Quidditch. Where Quidditch was concerned she wasn't worried. They had been postponed the game after the attack in Hogsmeade back two weeks. That was more than enough time to get back on her feet. One of the things that was bothering her was what Dumbledore just said to her.

He had called her fortunate. That struck a cord of rage through Marlene that seemed to grow as she waited for her family to floo-in. She was lucky? LUCKY? Was he serious?! Did he have any idea what hell she endured? He did. He was the one who questioned her before she was sedated. He was the one who asked oh-so-gently for her to explain what had happened. Nothing was worse than explaining it, it was like reliving the whole thing all over again, one excoriating detail at time. It wasn't what bothered her the most though; it was just the easiest to process.

* * *

_"Sirius mate," Remus said clapping a hand on Sirius's shoulder. "You've been here for fifteen hours, don't you think it's time to get some sleep, eat something and then come back later? Marlene will understand."_

_"I know she will." Sirius replied rubbing his worn eyes. "But I want to stay."_

_Sirius sat at Marlene's bedside for hours. His stomach grumbled beneath him, urging him to go get food, but he didn't. For some reason he couldn't understand, he couldn't leave her. Sure he promised he wouldn't when they rescued her, but that surely didn't extend to the hospital wing. The longer he sat there the more he adjusted and tried to think of other things. Sirius tried to think of time he had with the boys and what he had to do in the upcoming week, but it never worked. Flashes of her laughing, of her running around the Quidditch field, of her chasing after him and James filled his head. He always admired how she smiled; her blonde hair would cup her face, and her bright blue eyes would light up perfectly to bring out her perfect little smile. _

_She was going to be fine. Even Madame Promfrey had said so. Marlene just needed to sleep so the healing potions could work. He knew that, but still he couldn't leave, even when everyone else could. It didn't make sense to him. Lily and Dorcas were better friends with her. James was practically related to her, and Remus dated her for a year, why did he feel like he had to be the one to stay._

_And then it hit him. _

_He was leaning over with a yawn, when he saw her and suddenly understood what was going on. This wasn't a crush, he didn't just fancy her, he loved her. He loved how she laughed, how even though she grew up with magic she often forgot to use it even when it would make her life easier. He loved how she did everything in her power not to get mad at him and be reasonable, but how he would always get her mad enough to throw that away and just be as angry as she felt. That was when he loved her best, when she wasn't trying to be the best person, but was just showing her emotions freely and being herself. But also he loved that when no one else would have taken him in, she did without question, and still cared about his relationship with his friends._

_Sirius let out a shuddering gasp and scooted closer to her. She was sound asleep, even a little bit of drool was coming out of the side of her mouth, but he didn't care. In fact he laughed and wiped it away with her blanket, before stroking the side of her face. He would never dare to do this if she were awake. It wasn't that he was afraid she wouldn't like it, it was that he was afraid what that would mean. It was different than the way he loved the guys. At the end of the day, they would always have his back whether they wanted to or not. She didn't have to do that. She could leave whenever, however she wanted. Sure Marlene knew a lot about him, and had even seen some of the worst bits, but could she handle…all of it?_

_He wasn't sure, but more than that he began to think about it the more he started to panic. He had been holding her hand consistently since she'd been sedated, but he dropped it now as he stood. This wasn't right. He couldn't do this. This wasn't him. This wasn't them…She needed someone else, something else. Something he could never give her, and didn't want to either. Biting his lip, Sirius stood, ran a hand through his hair and ran out of the room without looking back._

_All he had to do was stay away from her, act like how he did with her last year. Then she would adapt and they would go back to the way things were. She wouldn't question it, he even could see her welcoming it. So Sirius ran away, and he didn't come back._

* * *

So when Marlene woke up, she woke up alone. She looked around expecting someone to be there, but it wasn't until a half hour later that Dorcas and Lily arrived. Marlene wasn't mad at them. She was happy that they had gotten some sleep and eaten. She didn't want either of them wearing herself thin on her account. Still she felt sad without knowing why. James, Remus, Peter and eventually even Alice came to visit her throughout the day, but Marlene still felt like someone was missing. No one told her Sirius had been there. They all figured she knew already and they all thought Sirius was just too tired to come visit her when they did.

A half hour earlier, just before James had escorted her to the Headmaster's Office she was carefully changing into loose grey sweat pants and a plain t-shirt when it occurred to her that Sirius had never come to see her. She kept thinking that maybe the others just forgot to mention it but when James hadn't said anything about it she started to think it was because Sirius didn't want to visit. He had been one of the people that came to her aid, but then again so was Remus and he wasn't very close to her.

So Marlene sat in anger thinking about what girl Sirius was not doubt snogging in victory of his heroics. They were friends, surely that meant enough for him to get away from his hoes for a few minutes to just see how she was doing. It made her insecure and angry in a way she didn't like. Marlene just wanted the feelings to stop, but it seemed after being a sleep for an entire day all of her emotions were on full blast. All she felt was hurt in a way she hadn't anticipated or knew how to counteract.

* * *

James looked off to the side; his eyes hazel eyes weren't focused on anything in the room. He wanted to see his parents. After everything he saw and everything he went through he wanted to hug his mum and apologize to his dad for scaring him. But James just couldn't keep his mind on that. He felt too guilty about what he had done. It was one of those things that he thought that maybe with time would go away. James knew it was something that would bother him for awhile.

_"Lily," James began trying to walk around her to get into the closed hospital wing door. "I have to stop this right now before they both get too far in."_

_Lily wouldn't let him get past her. "James that's not your call."_

_"The hell it is." He shot back fiercely. "That's my little sister and my best friend!"_

_"Yes but you don't even know what's going on between them."_

_James sighed and licked his bottom lip in irritation. "Lily, I don't want it to get that far. I know Sirius-"_

_"I thought you said only a few months ago that you trusted Marlene with him!"_

_"That was then! That was before…" He drifted off a furious look growing on his face as he thought of Sirius looked when he carried Marlene. "That was before everything has happened."_

_Lily let out a large huff of frustration, throwing her hands in the air. "You can't just-"_

_"But I can! I have to protect her! He will hurt her Lily!"_

_"You can't promise that!" She shot back defensively. _

_James tried to move past her again growing livid at her. "Yes I can! Lily move!"_

_"No, Potter!" She said sharply distancing herself from him. "You can't just-"_

_"Oh," He laughed coldly. "It's back to Potter then?"_

_Lily took a minute and stepped back from him, her eyebrows furrowing in dislike as she surveyed him. "Yeah, I guess it is."_

_"I thought we were becoming friends." He scoffed shaking his head._

_"We were," Lily confirmed making him look at her in surprise. "But then you act like this and I remember why I avoided you in the first place! Marlene is not your property. You can't just control what she does if you don't like it. And you can," She took the bracelet he gave her off and shoved it into his hands, "Have this back."_

_"So that's how it is?"_

_"I guess so." She said as she walked away, but then she paused and turned around to say one last thing. "If you go in there you will regret it and they both will subconsciously hate you for it."_

_Then James watched her walk away, his hands curling around the bracelet as fell back against the wall. He hadn't noticed she was still wearing it. His mind was so caught up in what was happening with Marlene he didn't stop to see that the girl he was head over heels in love with had not only kept something he had given to her instead of immediately returning it, but also continued wearing it. And James had the impression now, that if he hadn't upset her she would have continued wearing it._

* * *

Losing her newly earned friendship had stung, but not nearly as much as the idea that they could have been headed towards something and his actions had thrown it all away. After he left the corridor he realized she was right and decided to stay out of Sirius's and Marlene's relationship, whatever it may be, for the time being. It wasn't his place to stop them from being there for each other and even if they were together he shouldn't try to stop that. It wasn't right. He would be furious if Marlene tried to do that to him, and as he looked over at her distant face he realized she never would. Marlene would trust his judgment and more than that she would support him in it. He owed her the same thing, even if it went against everything in him to do so.

He saw they had about a minute before the floo network would connect to Dumbledore's fireplace and he felt the need to say something to her.

"Are you alright Marlene?"

She nodded unconvincingly. "I'm just tired."

"I love you, you know."

A genuine smile floated onto her face, but it drifted away after a few minutes. "I love you too James."

As the fire came to life they both stood and James naturally guided her into a side hug. His arm wrapped around her waist as she rested her head on his shoulder. James's mum and dad came through first. His mother went to hold them and check them for any continuing injuries as Mr. Potter gave the both a proud grin. Soon Rick, her father and eldest sister would come through to see her, but for right then Marlene and James stayed in Mrs. Potter's steady arms.

She kissed their foreheads as they both shrunk down to fit into her embrace. "I'm so glad you two are safe."

And for the first time in a week they both actually felt safe.


	21. With A Little Help From My Friends

_How do I feel by the end of the day_  
_(Are you sad because you're on your own)_  
_No, I get by with a little help from my friends_

**-The Beatles-**

* * *

Remus knew that he had done a lot of things in his life that he wished he could take back. One person that had taken the most from him was undoubtedly Marlene. So when he hadn't seen her around James or Sirius and he noticed Dorcas was looking for her, he decided to go looking for her. Honestly, he didn't think he'd find her. In their time together a lot of the little details about her fell through the cracks, but he did find her and when he did he was glad because she looked like she could use a friend.

She was in the Quidditch stands at the very top by herself. Wrapped in a thick emerald sweater Remus knew was Lily's, Marlene huddled her knees into her chest crying against the cold December weather as she did.

"You shouldn't be out here by yourself." He muttered, his hands in his pockets as he strolled up the aisle to where she was.

"No one ever leaves me alone." She said furiously, not looking at him. "It's infuriating. I'm not a child."

"We know that," He said pushing his short brown hair out of his face.

She frowned, her blue eyes full of remorseful tears. "I'm sorry…I'm not trying to snap at you."

"You have a right to be upset Mar." He told her softly as he sat down a few inches away from her. "No one expects you to just shake off what happened."

"I know that…"

Remus heard the hesitation in her voice. "Then who's bothering you?"

"No one." She lied crisply before deciding to just ask what was bothering her. "I just…is Sirius mad at me?"

"Not that I know of."

"I went to go thank him for helping take care of me and he wasn't there. And every time he sees me enter a room for the past two days he immediately leaves…I don't know why…. And I'm really not excited that I have to go back to class tomorrow."

Remus considered himself for a second before tentatively putting his arm around her hunched tense shoulders. "It will be fine. Lily and I already talked about it and if anyone says anything she will punch them again."

"Wait? What? What do you mean again?" Marlene wondered in confusion.

"She didn't tell you?" Remus grinned proudly, "She socked Jason Locke in the face."

Marlene's sadness vanished as shock took over her face. "She did what?!"

"He was saying some things he shouldn't have been and she punched him."

"I can't…I can't believe that." Marlene laughed under her breath.

"Believe it. I was there. I thought I was going to have to punch him too." He admitted, watching his breath disappear.

"Thank you Remus." She said her eyes tearing up again, this time for a different reason. "I really do appreciate what you did."

"Its not-"

She shook her head her hand reaching for his. "No, it is something. You didn't have to come with them."

"Mar," He said giving her a meaningful look. "No matter what's happened between us…I'd never let anyone hurt you."

A few tears slipped down her cheeks. His grip on her shoulder tightened as she curled around into his chest, her head slipping into the crook of his neck. This was familiar to her, not in a bad way or sexual way, but in a comfortable way. She didn't worry he'd kiss her or that she shouldn't cry in front of him. Instead she just let him stroke her blond hair like he used to, and mumble comforting things into her hairline.

Most of the time Marlene couldn't remember specific moments or seconds when things shifted in her life. It's hard to actually pinpoint a second when something hits you in a way it never has before, but for her and Remus this was one of them. All the resentment and hate she felt for him in the past few months didn't vanish or suddenly not matter. It just came to the point where she felt like if she didn't let it all go she would just hate Remus forever, and Marlene really didn't want to waste all the energy on someone who clearly cared about her. It just wasn't worth it anymore. Marlene instead leaned on her friend and cried, not holding anything back anymore.

Remus leaned back against the steel post of the Quidditch stands and rubbed her back. It took Marlene a few minutes to calm down, but when she did, she wiped her face and set her features. She had to be tougher than this. If she went back and everyone saw how broken and battered she was than she would only be giving them what they wanted. They wanted to see her break, and Lily was right, she had to fight back and show them they couldn't break her. It was just so much easier to assume she could do it than actually daring to it. This was the kind of moment she wished she were more like Lily and Dorcas. Dorcas would never be afraid to stand up to people that had harmed her; in fact it would be her first instinct to attack them. Lily would not let a word they said get to her. She would insist on going everywhere by herself as a sign that she didn't need anyone to defend her or support because she fully supported herself. And Marlene envied that.

Marlene wasn't like that, but she knew the time for being nice and walking away was over. She just didn't think she had it in her to go full force at anyone. Looking at Remus's concerned face she decided to change the subject. Frankly she was sick of talking and thinking about what happened. She needed to think about something else.

"So what was with James when I woke up? He looked upset about something other than …you know."

"I think he got into a spat with Lily."

She furrowed her eyebrows, her nose pink from the cold and crying. "What's new about that?"

"Well," He began with odd look on his face, "They actually were becoming friends."

"Really? What set it off this time? Did say something wrong or did she overreact?"

Remus grinned knowingly. "Probably both."

Marlene rolled her eyes. "I wish they both would quit being so stupid."

"Ah, but they won't," Remus said hugging her into him. "You know that better than anyone."

"Or," She said a small impish smile growing on her lips. "We could plot to get them together."

"Oh no…no no no no no. I'm not getting involved in that." He announced with a dry laugh, his hands raised as he stood up.

Marlene scoffed trailing after him. "Come on! You know you want to help me! You know they'd be adorable together!"

"I'm not getting in between them."

"Look," She hesitated for a second before looping her arm through his. "If you needed help I'd help you."

Remus continued walking but gave her a confused look. "You'd set me up with someone?"

"Yes I would." She nodded sincerely, sticking to her new stance hard. "I think we've come far enough to be above all the other stuff."

"That's very nice of you," He smiled earnestly, "but I think I'm better of single."

Marlene gave him a look. "You forgot to add a '_for now_,' at the end of that."

Remus shook his head in dismay.

"Remus, you need to learn to trust other people. There is a girl out there who you like and will like you back with all of your baggage. You just have to stop hating yourself so much."

He smiled warmly and hugged her into his side. "Thanks Mar."

"Careful," She winced. "I still have a few bruises."

"You've had worse. Remember last year your entire left side was covered in bruises from a bludger attack?"

"True, BUT you know you want to help me get James and Lily together."

Remus let out an overdramatic sigh as they began to work through the two feet of snow. "You aren't going to give up until I say yes are you? What happened to the girl who let me make my own choices?"

"She died an old spinster." Marlene muttered tugging her sweater closer to her.

"You should have worn a coat." He said rubbing her back quickly as if that would make her any warmer.

"It wasn't as cold when I went out there besides we're almost in now."

He frowned as they began hiking up the steps. "Are you sure you can handle going back tomorrow? No one would think anything less of you if you waited a bit you know."

"I have to go anyway. Pushing it off won't make it any better." She shrugged.

Remus smiled amusedly. "And that's why you want a project like setting up your two best friends…"

"Are you in?" She asked, excitement creeping into her voice as they began going up the steps.

"Fine…but only because I have nothing better to do."

"How's tutoring Peter going?" She grimaced. "Is it getting better?"

"Worse actually," Remus admitted, his amber eyes flickering with annoyance. "He's been so distracted and he says it's because he's not getting it, but I think it's something else."

Marlene looked up at him thoughtfully. "What did he say he wanted to do when he went in for his meeting last year?"

"I haven't the foggiest. I don't think he has the slightest clue what he wants to do for a career. Then again a lot of people weren't sure. I mean I think only you and Amelia Bones knew what you wanted to do."

"Well I've always wanted to be a Healer so it's a bit of no brainer, and I could totally see Amelia running something in the ministry. I bet she'll be the head of a department in no time, mark my words." Marlene declared pointing at Remus. "What did the rest of you say?"

Remus rolled his bottom lip over her teeth pensively before saying, "I think James and Sirius both said Auror, though I don't know if they'll actually pursue it. I said the same because…well I couldn't think anything else." He made a face, "Watch I'll end up a shabby poor teacher."

"I'm sure you'd love it though." She nudged him with an encouraging smile. "You love helping other people and it would be good for you."

"No one in their right mind would hire me." Remus muttered with a frown.

"Remus, you're an idiot. You are smart, dedicated. You would be fantastic in any field. Quit being a wanker." Marlene snapped shoving him into the side of the staircase.

He laughed and ruffled her braided hair.

"Oy! I just made Lily do my hair! Don't mess it up." She laughed back as they drifted back into the Gryffindor common room.

* * *

James was sprawled out across the couch, deep in self-pity, his black hair pointed in every direction and his glasses were sitting on the table. Sirius seemed to be trying to give him a pep talk, he was leaning from the loveseat, his posture was perfectly relaxed, his elegant black hair falling into his bright eyes as he spoke. That stopped as soon as he looked up and saw Marlene. His whole body became tense, and he rose to his feet.

"I have a snog fest to get to. You alright mate?"

"It's fine. I'm just going to die alone is all…" James sighed melodramatically, putting one of his hands to his forehead. "But have fun."

Sirius let out a low bark like laugh and walked past Remus and Marlene adjusting the collar of his leather jacket as he strutted out of the common room.

"You two aren't back together are you?" James said with a note of disappointment his eyes scrunched up as he saw they had less between them than usual.

Marlene laughed at the uncomfortable look on Remus's face. "No, we aren't. Just friends."

"Good, because I've had enough of you dating," James announced gesturing for her to lie with him and with a bewildered laugh she did. "I think you should be pitiful and single with me Mar. So we can be sad and pathetic together."

Adjusting so James could cuddle on her Marlene asked. "What about Remus? He's single."

"Yes but Remus always refuses to cuddle with me." James pouted at Remus teasingly.

Remus scoffed and sat down across from them popping a piece of chocolate into his mouth. "Last time you said I was boney."

"You are boney," Marlene said to Remus. "It's really hard to cuddle into the bit of fat you do have on you. Especially since you stay tense the whole time."

James nodded in agreement, settling on Marlene's chest as he wrapped his arms around her stomach. "He's also very twitchy."

"Well then you two should be glad that I do not wish to cuddle with either one of you." Remus retorted.

Marlene snorted, as she absentmindedly ran her hands through James hair. "Now he's all put off James."

James sat up to give Remus a sincere look. "Remus, if you want to work on your intimacy issues-"

"I will ask everyone else before I ask either one of you." Remus chuckled smacking him on the shoulder.

"We would be a great help." James pouted defiantly as he laid back down on Marlene.

"I know right?" Marlene grinned down at him.

Remus leaned back in the loveseat, his arms folded on his chest and asked, "Prongs you're having a Christmas party this year right?"

"It's tradition." James murmured simply.

"You gonna bring a date?" Marlene questioned impishly.

Remus sent her a dirty look. "I believe we just discussed this."

"Not to my satisfaction."

"And you two had the _nerve_ to give me a look when I asked if there was something going on between you two." James mocked him earning a smack on the back from Marlene.

Marlene shrugged, "I just want all of you to be happy for Christmas."

"Well that's not going to happen." James groaned.

"Okay," She began shortly, "What happened with Lily?"

"I was an arse and she used it as an excuse to stop being friends with me."

Remus said, "Well it is her MO, whenever things get complicated she finds an excuse to pull out."

"She doesn't do that with you two." James noted.

"She doesn't have sexual tension with us." Marlene reasoned easily.

"Yes but everyone has sexual tension with me." James said feigning a sexy pose.

Remus busted out in laughter, "You've been spending too much time with Padfoot."

"Yeah, I don't know what's with him lately." James mentioned furrowing his eyebrows thoughtfully. "He seems fine, but then every once in a while he gets this look on his face…I dunno."

"Is it about his family?" Marlene asked wrapping her arms around James like he was her child.

"I don't think so, but I don't know what else it would be." James said unsurely. "How is Prewett doing by the way?"

Marlene took a minute, her face sinking. "She's doing what she can. I just think it's hardest because her and Mary did everything together and she has to look at her empty bed every night before she goes to sleep."

Neither James nor Remus said anything for a few minutes, because they both had and idea of how that would feel. Yes Marlene had come back and everything was back to the way it was, but the two of them still understood what it felt like for those few days where they weren't sure they'd ever see her again. Wordlessly, James interlocked his fingers with Marlene's as he full body hugged her. Marlene didn't mind or say anything. She knew why he was doing it and appreciated the gesture.

"Are you guys checking on her?"

"It's mostly Lily," Marlene admitted guiltily, "She's the best at comforting people."

Remus made a sound that was a mixture of a snort and laugh. "It's funny, because I think she always thinks she's rubbish at it."

"Well that's Lily for you. She never has seen herself clearly." Marlene ruffled James's hair, "So what's your next plan Potter? Are you going to rearrange the stars in the great hall to spell, 'wanna go out with me Evans?'"

James smirked, "Stay tuned McKinnon. We have Quidditch practice tomorrow, so sometime before then I shall do…something."

"Well if you need-" Marlene stopped as she saw Remus urgently shake his head at her. "Good luck then."

* * *

Lost in his own thoughts James looked off into the distance and didn't see the silent conversation going on between Remus and Marlene. Soon James drifted asleep on Marlene. Every once in a while he would snort in his sleep, squeeze Marlene tighter to him and fall into another dream.

"So what was that about?" Marlene said to Remus almost inaudibly.

"If we're going to do this," Remus pointed aggressively to James. "He can't know, because he will ruin it."

"Ooh. I like that idea." She cooed excitedly before giggling at James. "He's like a very tall ten year old."

Remus yawned in agreement before standing up. "I'm heading to bed. I'll see you tomorrow."

"You're going to leave me with this oaf?" Marlene whinnied.

"Can't you lift him?"

"He's like a hundred pounds, but it's all dead scrawny weight."

Remus paused and poked James in the back of the head. "Let's go to bed Prongs. Come on."

"Cuddle?" James teased his eyes still closed.

"No you dope." Remus scoffed walking off.

James dragged himself off Marlene, promptly kissed her on the forehead and sighed. "He tries to fight it but he can't deny himself for much longer."

"Good luck with that."

* * *

Dorcas woke up early for school. Every morning she woke up exactly an hour and a half before she needed to be somewhere, but when she heard Lily shuffling around the room, she knew she wouldn't be asleep for much longer. She opened one large brown eye in disgust and resentment much like an old man would feel about children roaming around on his lawn.

"Lily," She growled unattractively, her limbs half hanging off the bed. "What the bloody hell are you doing?"

Lily bounced over to her. "I brought breakfast here so we could all eat together before going to class."

"And so Alice and Marlene wouldn't have to face everyone immediately," Dorcas nodded approvingly. "That's nice of you…"

"Are you going to get up?" Lily laughed lightly, her bright smile cheerful.

"Nope, I have ten minutes before I become me." She croaked, her body scrunching up her body like reptile.

"Okay! Well I'll go wake up Marlene then!" Lily informed her, dashing across the room.

"Too fucking perky." Dorcas mumbled darkly before falling back onto her pillow.

"Morning Lily," Marlene yawed sleepily cuddling into her pillow.

"I brought breakfast, what do you want?" Lily questioned gesturing a table in the middle of the room filled with pancakes, eggs and a variety of breakfast foods.

Marlene grabbed Lily's arm and tugged on it until Lily replaced her body pillow. "I want... to sleep Lily."

Lily laughed as Marlene's long arms and legs fell on top of her. "You have to wake up soon anyway."

"Yes, and I want to enjoy those last few marvelous minutes in a comfortable silence."

An annoying repetitive piercing sound filled the room and Marlene groaned loudly. "Noooo."

"See?" Lily grinned squishing Marlene's cheeks. "You have to get up…and brush your teeth."

"But I'm sooo comfy."

"Too bad!" Lily lifted Marlene up into a sitting position and went to go check on Alice.

From across the room Dorcas's dark eyes locked with Marlene's light ones. Marlene's hair was askew and her nightshirt was hiked up much higher than it should be. Dorcas on the other had still had some remains of the previous days make-up, which was currently crusting up around her eyes. Without words, at the same exact time, they thought it was going to be a very long day. And they were right.


	22. Help I'm Alive

_I tremble_  
_They're going to eat me alive_  
_If I stumble_  
_They're going to eat me alive_  
**-Metric-**

* * *

Lily knew she was doing too much, she really did, but she couldn't stop herself. She didn't know what got into her when she woke up, but she just felt this overwhelming need to take care of her friends. Usually she would hesitate and hold back, telling herself that she shouldn't get involved, but as soon as she opened her eyes that morning she couldn't help herself. She felt so guilty for what they were all going through that she just had to do something, anything, to help them. In the back of her mind she knew breakfast in bed might not really do anything to help, but she did it anyway.

Alice had barely said anything since she'd gotten back to Hogwarts. Two things had changed about her; first there was a sizable ring on her left hand and second her face was three shades paler than it normally was. Her big blue eyes were always on the verge of tears, but she didn't ever cry, at least not in front of any of them. She stayed strong and held it together, despite everything. The only time she cried was at Mary's funeral. Her little body was tucked into Frank and he held her as she sobbed her heart out.

It was she, above everyone, that Lily worried about the most. Marlene had a lot of support and might be strong enough to handle the problems to come. Alice on the other hand often kept to herself and now had to walk around with the knowledge that her best friend was buried six feet under the ground. So Lily moved with extra caution around the tiny girl.

Gently, Lily put her arm around Alice's shoulders kindly. "You ready honey?"

"Yeah." Alice whispered quietly pushing herself up to sit. Her wide eyes took in the breakfast plates and she looked at Lily in bewilderment. "What's going on?"

"Breakfast?" Lily muttered self-consciously, running her hand through her untamable hair.

A ghost of a smile appeared on Alice's face, and scooted over, pulling Lily into a hug. "Thank you Lily."

Touched that Alice appreciated the small gesture, Lily smiled at her and said nothing. The rest of the morning Lily did rounds like a nurse, checking on Marlene and Alice periodically until they all were finally ready for class. Lily glanced at Marlene and saw her uniform was buttoned up to the top so not to show even the slightest trace of the horrible scar that was branded into her chest. Her blonde hair was up in a tight, unshakable ponytail. Lily felt a rush of guilt and in one fluent movement she linked arms with Marlene.

"You ready for this?"

Marlene squished Lily's cheeks mockingly. "I'll be fine baby carrot."

"I really hope that's not a new thing." Lily grimaced in horror.

"Oh but it is," Dorcas grinned slinging her bag over her shoulder and taking Alice's hand willing or not. "Let's go kids."

* * *

At first Lily thought he might have overreacted with breakfast, but as soon as the four of them left the common room and headed into the halls she knew she hadn't. People of all houses, all years and all genders were whispering about them. Remus had offered to get the guys together to walk them to class, but Lily had refused. This was bound to happen, you could have something that big happen and expect to just not hear about it. But it would immensely worse if it looked like Alice and Marlene needed boys to protect them. Both Alice and Marlene could do this on their own, Lily and Dorcas were just there so they wouldn't have to, not today at least.

"Did you hear?" Emmeline Vance stage whispered, flipping her white blonde hair out of her face as they passed. "McKinnon gave it up before they found her. So she's like _tainted_ now."

"_I'm gonna_-!" Dorcas began threateningly, her olive face face boiling with rage but Marlene laughed at her and pulled her back.

"If you're going to fight someone Dora. At least fight someone who has the balls to say it to your face…or in this case my face." Marlene told her dragging her along. "Let's just go to class."

"How can you not want to beat that smug look of that slags bitchy little face?" Dorcas said from between her gritted teeth.

Marlene let out a small sigh, pinching the crook of my nose. "Not today Dorky."

"Fine, but one day, I'm going to break one of my heels off in her plastic face."

"That's nice."

Marlene steered her into the back of the Defense classroom, and sat off to the side, letting Alice take the window seat.

Lily began to look over to an empty section of the room. Dorcas saw the look on Lily's face, and leaned forward with a smirk. "Oy Lil, you looking for someone?"

"What?! No! Of course not!" Lily laughed nervously running a hand through her wild hair. "Why?"

"Because you _looked_ like you were looking for someone."

"Oh um…I wanted to see if I could borrow something from er…Remus." Lily lied horribly.

"Lupin eh?" Dorcas snorted critically. "What was this thing you wanted from him?"

Lily smiled guiltily. "Uh I wanted to look at his notes from last week."

Unconvinced Dorcas said, "Look if you want to be friends with-"

"I'm not friends with Potter! And I never will be!"

"I was actually going to say Sirius." Dorcas said her smirk growing. "But I'm glad I know where you stand with Potter as well."

Furious Lily crossed her arms and forced herself to be silent. This shouldn't be bothering her so much. She knew she looked like petulant child, but she couldn't admit to Dorcas that she cared, because really Lily refused to believe that she did. James was being a prick, she called him out on it and they decided that they shouldn't be friends. That was what happened. Nothing else, just that. Lily wasn't going to let Dorcas psychoanalyze her, she had enough of that growing up with her father, and if there was one thing Lily was good at it was avoiding things she didn't want to see. As far as she was concerned James was a jerk and she should have never let herself get so close to him. She blamed everyone else, but at the end of the day she knew that it was more than that, and Lily threw herself as far away from that disaster as possible.

Right now she needed to focus and doing well on her end of the term exams and making sure Marlene and Alice got through the day.

Thinking about that she turned her head to see Alice staring out the window, gnawing on the edge of her bottom lip. She wasn't crying or saying anything. Dorcas was talking about something to Marlene, but Alice didn't interject anything. Her big eyes just stared off at the distance looking at nothing in particular. Lily didn't bother her. She did everything she could and knew that Alice just needed to feel supported. Everything else was only helped by time. After all, there was nothing Lily could say or do that would bring Mary back. Lily just frowned and took out some spare parchment to take notes on.

* * *

Class went on like it always did. Some people whispered things, but nothing loud enough or rude enough to get a reaction out of them. Pretty soon they headed out of double Defense for lunch Lily in the lead as they charged their way to the Gryffindor table.

As they sat down Dorcas decided the mood was much too stuffy for her liking so she nudged Marlene, pointed at one of the boys walking in and said flatly, "He walks like he has a big cock."

Marlene choked a bit in her drink and Lily started crying with amusement on the other side of Dorcas. "How the bloody hell can you tell that?"

Dorcas looked at Lily like she was incredibly stupid. "Be-cause, of-the-way, they walk."

"I'm going to need an example." Lily replied playfully squaring her shoulders.

"Take Black," Dorcas gestured to Sirius, "See how his shoulders shift haughtily? They don't do that without that downstairs support."

"That's just Sirius," Lily chuckle not bothering to look.

"Potter's doing it too Lily," Dorcas pointed out with smirk.

Lily eye's shot over, but as soon as she saw she rolled her eyes, scooped up some pudding into her mouth and pretended like she didn't see anything at all. "Whatever Dora."

"Saw that Evans." Dorcas grinned before looking back. Her brown eyes caught onto something as she twirled a strand of her hair. "_Interesting_..."

"What?" Marlene asked not looking at them as cradled her body into the table reservedly.

"Lupin walks like that too…"

Marlene let out a low howl and gave Dorcas a bemused smile. "And?!"

"You tell me Ms. Ex-girlfriend." Dorcas shrugged nudging Marlene.

"I'm not telling you anything. I've forgotten anything that happened before this school year." Marlene said dismissively.

"So you don't forget snogging Prewett then eh?" Dorcas asked slyly.

"Oh bugger off." Marlene scoffed pushing her back. "I'm friends with Remus I'm not going to talk about Remus like that."

Dorcas threw her arm around Marlene's shoulder teasingly, "It's just a little question between best friends Mar."

"Why do you want to know Dor?" Marlene countered with a suspicious look.

"Purely academic of course." Dorcas shrugged sipping her water goblet.

"Sure it is." Lily countered with a smirk.

Dorcas didn't say anything she just went back to eating with a small smiling playing on her lips.

* * *

They had one more class before they could clear out and hang out away from all the crowds, just one more and they could sequester themselves away from everything. Lily was beginning to get excited. She was going to grab board games and they were going to not think about sad things. They were just going to throw themselves into pointless things and leave all the deep stuff behind for the rest of the day.

Lily smiled at Alice and Alice let out a low sigh and hugged Lily's arm. "Thanks Lily."

"I'm here for you, whatever you need," Lily promised quietly as Marlene and Dorcas walked ahead of them.

"I appreciate that…Mary," Alice paused her voice strained as her grip on Lily tightened, "She always liked you best."

Lily's eyes watered and she squeezed Alice closely as they navigated to Charms.

They were three corridors away when out of the corner of Lily's eye she saw four seventh year Slytherin boys marching in her direction. Two things occurred to Lily.

1) All of the seventh year Slytherin's had defense after lunch and had no business anywhere near the charms classroom.

2) All of them were clutching their wands, and staring at Marlene.

Her eyes dilated as fear pulsed through her and she gripped Dorcas's arm harder than necessary to slow her down. They wouldn't reach the classroom in time even if they ran. And there was not a chance in hell that those boys just wanted to have a nice little chat with them. Marlene's testimony from her captivity had already led to the expulsion of three Slytherin's and there was no telling just what type of retribution their friends had in mind. Lily wasn't going to let it get that far, they had to get Marlene out of here and she had to find away to stall them in the mean time.

"Dorcas, listen to me carefully," Lily said in a hushed voice to not draw attention from Marlene, "Don't say anything just grab Mar and run to the classroom."

"What?" Dorcas blinked and twisted around, her dark hair swinging in her face.

"Dora, please just do it."

Dorcas glanced over to where Lily was looking and paled. "Okay."

In an instant Dorcas forced a bright smile on her face and she grabbed Marlene's hand and made her run.

Marlene let Dorcas drag her, laughing in confusion at Dorcas's sudden impulse. "What the hell are you doing?"

"We're getting to class before Lily!" Dorcas declared. "Come on!"

Lily walked behind them, with Alice by her side. Alice licked her lips nervously, her hand already on her wand. "What are you going to do?"

"Hopefully... ignore them." Lily muttered out of the side of her mouth as they turned down the next hallway.

Of all people Lily wasn't sure Alice was the best person to have stayed behind to help her. Marlene was a fantastic dueler and Dorcas was the best in their entire class, but in this situation it was either Alice or no back up at all and considering who Lily was up against she'd rather have that than nothing at all.

"Mudblood," Lestrange began hatefully, his eyes glowering at Lily as he and his friends surrounded them.

"What do you want?" Lily said in a firm voice, her eyes locked on his boldly.

"I'm looking for your blond friend."

Lily said coldly. "Well _obviously_ she's not here."

Lestrange took a step further, his teeth bared. "You and your little friends are going to pay." He paused his words growing darker, "Your blood traitor friends for sticking their nose in where they don't belong and you for existing."

"Back off Lestrange." Alice snipped in a low voice, her wand raised.

"Don't think we haven't noticed you Prewett." Lestrange shot at her with a smirk. "You _really_ think the two of you can take on the four of us?"

His friends all laughed callously as if the mere idea of it was hysterical. Lily knew there would be a fight and she knew that they would lose, but if they were going to lose she was going to make it crystal clear that they weren't going down without a fight. A few students walked by to get to Charms, but none of them dared to even look at the scene that was unfolding. Lily was scrambled to think of the most useful hexes to do the most damage.

Lestrange took another step forward and shoved the barrel of his wand into the hollow of her throat. Her knees shuddered, but she stood her ground. Lily raised her own wand though the effort was pointless. She wished that a teacher or a prefect would walk by, but no one did. To her side she saw two of them push Alice against the wall. Though she wanted to fight back Lily stayed perfectly still and kept her eyes locked on Lestrange's though she rather look anywhere else. She had to let him know that she wasn't scared of him though it was a lie. She needed to face him even if she was shaking from head to toe at just thought of what he could do to her.

"Now, I can't kill you," He pouted as if he wasn't getting a new broom for Christmas. "But I will make you sorry you ever _dared_ to think you belong here."

"Lestrange," A familiar voice sounded as several footsteps echoed in the hallway, "_Get your. Fucking. Hands. Off her._"

* * *

Lestrange turned to tell the person to make him, but he didn't get a chance to say anything, because as soon as he shifted to look a fist broke into his jaw and knocked him clear off his feet, his body making a thud as he dropped to the floor. Lily gasped as Sirius threw the two guys off of Alice, his wand already raised. Beside him Remus began to duel the last Slytherin and James swiftly kicked Lestrange into the stomach. His dark hair was falling in his face, as his glasses slipped to end of his nose, his hazel eyes were burning with hatred and Lily could see all the muscles in his face tighten.

"Five against two doesn't sound like a fair fight to me," James snarled down at Lestrange as he winced and reached for his fallen wand.

Lily rushed forward, kicking his wand away and pointing her wand right at his chest. "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

James's face flashed into a bright smile. "Nice work Evans."

Lily smiled back with a look of relief. "How did you-?"

"Did you really think that Meadowes would leave you alone with this scum?" Sirius questioned slyly as he walked over his immobilized enemies.

Rubbing her throat, Lily looked at the fallen Slytherin's and wanted nothing more to get as far away from these people as possible. She announced, "I'm going to go get McGonagall..."

"We'll sit on the Slytherin's," Sirius gestured to himself and Remus, moving to straddle Lestrange's chest, as he took out a permenant quill with a malicious look on his face.

"I'll go with her." James announced before Lily could fight it. "Prewett we've got this you can go back to class."

Alice nodded gratefully, "I'll tell them what happened."

Lily started moving, she thought she would calm down as soon as it was over, but her heart rate only went higher. Not daring to look at James as they left for McGonagall's office, her arms wrapped around her torso in an attempt to stop herself from shaking.


	23. A Little Taste

_I thought this was just a phase_  
_But every day, I slip, starting over_  
_You crawl through my skin_  
_And I let you in_  
**-Skyler Stonestreet-**

* * *

"Lily," James muttered as they left McGonagall's office, his face tilting down towards hers. "You alright?"

"I'm fine," She shifted stiffly.

Lily was still angry that all McGonagall could do was give those boys detention, but it was more than that. She was just generally upset. If there was one thing that Lily was it wouldn't all right. She'd nearly gotten the crap hexed out of her and she might have if it hadn't been for stupid Potter. How the hell did that happen? She didn't want to owe him anything. She didn't want to think of him at all.

"Fine, lie to my face," He scoffed. "Keep lying to yourself."

They were halfway to charms, but the corridor was empty as everyone was already in their respective classes. They stood in the coldest hallway with windows exposing the courtyard grounds. Lily was in her skirt, oxford blouse, Gryffindor tie, with a minor cut on her cheek. James was in his uniformed black trouser's, white dress shirt and Gryffindor tie with a raw red burn on across his right knuckles from where he hit Lestrange.

Lily wanted to go to class. She wanted to not bother with James and not care about him at all. His words shouldn't have affected her. They should have no weight at all. And yet her legs didn't move. They were a good six yards away from one another, but in that space his eyes locked her in place. Despite what she told herself she wanted to see what he was going to say. She wanted to know why he had bothered to help her at all.

"What do you want from me?! I said thank you! I don't know why you came to help in the first place! I could have handled it."

"You could have handled it?" James openly laughed at her. "You could have handled five guys on your own? Because I wouldn't have been able to do that on my own. So you must be some kind of _magician_."

Lily glared at him. "Yes, I could have."

"Maybe you could have…See you can yell at me," James nodded, crossing his arms, "Or do whatever you need to do to make sure you hate me, but I'm never going to just sit back and let someone hurt you. I'm _never_ going to be able to be near you and act like you don't matter." James said flatly.

Lily gulped uncomfortably, "And why not? Are you glutton for punishment or something?"

"You can keep pushing me away," He shrugged taking a few slow steps closer. "You can keep holding onto all of my glorious flaws and all the faults you find in me."

She backed up, her shoulder blades hitting the cold brick as the color rushed to her face. "Oh I can? Thank you _so much_ for giving me permission."

"Yes, you can, because I know one day you will go out with me." He said stopping a couple of inches right in front of her.

"You know," She began sharply crossing her arms over her chest. "You're pretty sure of yourself there Potter, considering I've turned you down at every turn."

"Because Evans," He smirked, infuriating her, "I want to know your hopes, your dreams, I want to make you smile and laugh. And Evans," James said licking his bottom lip subconsciously, "I usually get what I _want_."

Lily immediately thought of a snappy retort, it was ready to go, but as soon as she her gaze was diverted to his lips she completely forgot what it was. All she could think was how strong his lips were and how he was probably a good kisser.

Quickly Lily gathered her senses and said in a higher pitch than her voice. "I still, have yet to see why I'd say yes."

He laughed; a short light warm laugh brushed across her face.

Her chest tightened, he was close enough to kiss her. A raw mixture of anxiety and curiosity bubbled up in her throat as her eyes traveled along his face, lingering on a very interesting looking scar on the side of his cheek. If she wasn't standing so close she would never noticed it under all of his stubble. And in that moment, she honestly didn't know if she would slap him or kiss him back if he kissed her. Both possibilities crossed her mind, but as she stood there, feeling his body heat pass through his shirt to hers, it was beginning to get hard for her to focus on the situation at hand.

James leaned forward his lips grazing the skin between her temple in ear, his breath made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. "I think," His voice rumbled softly against her face, "If you really thought about it Evans. I think you could think of, _a few,_ reasons."

His body circled around hers, but didn't touch her; his right hand lightly grasped the thin material of her shirt. And then just as her body curved into his and prepared for his next action. She expected him to kiss her. He flashed her a smile, a blinding smirk, before standing up straight and strutting away.

"See you class Evans." He called behind him as she fell back on the wall behind her.

"Fucking Potter…" Lily breathed hatefully under her breath.

* * *

Two days later, Marlene and Lily were in the room of requirement. Lily was wearing an oversize large crimson and gold Gryffindor sweater and jeans. Marlene was in a loose grey t-shirt and some baggy black sweat pants. Lily was dressing for comfort, Marlene was dressing for recreation. Already Marlene had done push ups, jumping jack's, leg lifs and pull ups. All she had left were sit-ups and Lily was keen on talking through them.

For two days she tried to ignore what happened with James. All of her efforts had gone into not facing how he had made her feel and what he had said to her. She focused on school, on Dorcas, on Marlene, on absolutely everything she could think about. She didn't even mention it to anyone, but she couldn't take it anymore. Lily wanted to keep it to herself, but after spending a half hour with Marlene she couldn't keep it in anymore.

"He was close enough to kiss me and then he just walked away! He did it just to mess with me. To show me he could if wanted to. _Arrogant prick_…"

"Lily," Marlene gasped curling her body upward. "If you're going to talk that's fine, but you _have_ to hold my legs down."

"Oh! Sorry!" Lily grimaced putting her weight down on Marlene's feet. "I just…I don't know what to do. I don't want to like him."

Marlene tapped her ankles, sweat glistening on her forehead. "You can't chose who you like Lil."

"I know that. I just wish I could…and what bothers me more than anything-"

"Feet Lily!" Marlene barked as Lily's hold on Marlene's legs loosened.

Lily jumped guiltily and put her weight back down. "Sorry."

"Continue," Marlene huffed dropping down to the floor again.

"If the boys hadn't shown up I _would_ have been screwed. You know I'm a shite dueler." Lily hung her head.

Marlene sat up and stayed up, her eyes glancing at Lily's face thoughtfully. "You know Dorcas and I could help you with that."

"I wouldn't want to waste your time…"

"It's not a waste to teach you how to defend yourself." Marlene eyed her, "And you could use to work out a bit to get in shape."

Lily let out a scoff. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Merlin Lily I'm not calling you fat. You are smaller than I am." Marlene rolled her eyes with a snort. "I'm just saying it would probably be beneficial if you could run half a mile without panting."

"We all aren't Quidditch stars Mar. Some of us enjoy not exercising."

"I'm not saying you have to do it." She said taking out her hair tie and putting her hair back up. "I'm just saying whether we like it or not there seems to be a war coming."

"You really think so?" Lily murmured staring innocently around the room of requirement, leaning back on her tiny freckled forearms.

Marlene gave her a sore look. "Lily, do you remember that I was kidnapped?"

"Yes," Lily grimaced, "I just thought maybe it was just a small little cult."

"A small little cult that the Ministry couldn't negotiate with or handle on their own?" Marlene retorted sardonically. "You didn't see the look on Dumbledore's face when I told him what I saw, what I heard, what they _did_ to me."

Lily's face dropped. "I didn't mean to be insensitive. I just was hoping that it would be …you know…_it_."

Marlene reached over and gripped Lily's shoulder with a smile. "We'll be okay. We have Dorcas and our band of idiots."

"Speaking of_ your_ band of idiots." Lily rephrased cleverly. "What's with you and Sirius?"

"I don't have the faintest idea. He's been avoiding me all damn week and acts like it isn't a big deal." Marlene let out a long and heavy sigh before dropping back to do sit ups. "I'm trying not to focus too much on it. I'm just want to get back in shape for the game tomorrow."

"Are you sure you're up for it?"

Marlene let out a frustrated growl of frustration as she tapped her ankles. "Yes, Lily. I'm fine."

"I'm just asking."

"Look, I appreciate it," Marlene curled her body up her face scrunched up in irritation. "But if I was awake they would have never been able to take me. I've been learning how to duel since I was five and even without a wand I could have taken down at least two of them. I'm pissed that they had to take me while I was unconscious." She let out a shallow breath as she did her hundredth sit up. "But what pisses me off more is all of you thinking I need you to protect me. I should have been the one to take on those Slytherin's, Dorcas and I. Not you and Alice."

Lily let go of Marlene's feet with a scowl. "Why couldn't it be me and Alice? What's wrong with us?"

"It wasn't your fight! They weren't after you!" Marlene shouted as she finally gave up on working out. "I just don't appreciate being coddled. I can handle myself."

"I'm sorry," Lily sighed regretfully, "I really am. I didn't think of it like that…I just didn't want you to have to deal with that on your first day back."

Marlene smiled and moved forward and pulled Lily into a hug. "Thanks Lil."

Lily hugged her back. "You are really sweaty."

"Ah huh," Marlene hugged her tighter. "Take it, its friendship bitch."

"That's so gross!"

* * *

An hour later Lily headed to the great hall to meet Alice for dinner when she spotted Sirius talking to a herd of girls, or more like they were all flocking around him. She laughed under her breath at the lines he was giving them. It was her intent to keep walking, but then she remembered Regulus, Sirius's brother and it made her pause. In the whole time they'd been back she'd never seen Regulus so she had forgotten all about it, but seeing Sirius, the smile fell off her face and she was torn over whether she should share that information with him or not.

Lily didn't know if it was really her place to tell Sirius what his brother had done. After all it wasn't Lily's areas of expertise. Still she found herself walking over to him and navigating through all of his women for a quick chat. Tapping Sirius on the shoulder, Lily adjusted her book bag and cleared her throat earning glares from the beautiful, but vicious, girls around her.

"Sirius…I need to talk to you for a minute."

"I'll be back ladies," He winked, and putting a hand on her shoulder as he steered her away from his crowd of girls. "I knew this would happen eventually…I'm extremely flattered, and you are really fit, but I can't do that to James-"

Lily blinked in confusion, and halted to give him a bewildered expression. "What are you talking about?"

"I know Prongs and I just went through a rather rough patch-"

"You mean you almost had another human being murdered, for a joke." She countered.

Sirius brushed that off, "Yes _that_…But the point is even if we hadn't made up-"

"You mean if Marlene hadn't gotten kidnapped."

He scowled, removed his arm from her shoulder and glared down at her. "Are you going to keep correcting me? Because that's a major turn off."

"I'm pretty sure Marlene corrects you." Lily pointed out with a smirk.

"That is…Not…Damn it Evans! The answer is no!"

Lily looked at him unsurely, "The answer to what?"

"To your little ginger proposition to snog and/or shag me."

Lily took a step back, "When did I say that?"

"It _JUST_ happened, blimey Evans don't you pay attention?"

"Whatever," She snorted with a wild laugh on her lips, "I actually came to you to tell you something…"

Sirius's arrogance never faltered or wavered. He puffed out his chest, flipped his hair and said, "Yes, I'm aware of how attractive I look in this sweater. Evans, I really expected more from you."

"I'm trying to actually talk to you Black!" Lily huffed growing irritated.

He raised his hands in compliance. "Okay, okay, what is it Evans?"

"When we went to rescue Marlene…your brother-"

"_What did he do_?" Sirius interrupted harshly, his grey eyes flickering with crackles of anger as his face hardened. "I'm going to-"

"Let me finish!" Lily cut in swiftly, "Merlin, it's a wonder anyone else gets a word in with you and Potter around!...What I'm trying to tell you was its his fault I'm alive, he was there and he let me go."

Sirius looked lost, his eyebrows furrowed and he took a rather large step back. "He did…what?"

Lily lowered her voice though there wasn't anyone close enough to hear them. She then sighed and said, "He hesitated for a second, he looked torn Sirius, but in the end, he helped me. I didn't even ask him to. I didn't think he would even know who I was, let alone help me."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"But he…" Sirius muttered more to himself than to her, his face dropping into a somber expression. "I'm sorry," he put his hand to his chin in an oddly pensive gesture. "I just…I don't know what to say. I haven't spoken to him in months."

"Well, he might not be as lost as you think he is." Lily told him softly.

His eyes brimmed with tears, but he blinked them away. "I want to think that, but my parents would never let him walk away from it, and he lives to impress them. I don't know why…"

"Because most people want to make their parents proud." Lily said quietly.

"I did too," He admitted in a low voice, not looking at her. "Until I saw how twisted their view of things are."

"Which was when?" She asked gently.

"When I was spending time with my cousin Andy. I was eight and she told me she had a muggleborn boyfriend, and that she loved him." Sirius frowned, his eyes distant as he spoke. "I asked her if that was wrong, and she told me that if two people love each other it shouldn't matter what their blood status says."

Lily noted, "She sounds smart."

"Well she was the only good Slytherin." He smiled earnestly.

A smile grew on her face to match his and they both paused for a beat. Sirius took a second to return to full energy before shaking away their previous conversation and moving on.

"But that's neither here nor there!" Sirius said clapping his hands together and shaking off the grave mood that had fallen upon them. He then draped an arm around her shoulders and strolled back to where she had found him.

"You know Evans, you're not half bad."

Lily snorted and laughed. "Thanks…I think."

"Well now that I've seen that you have a soul, I will allow you to put yourself on the list."

"List? What list?"

"Of potential Mrs. James Potters," He declared wildly. "As best man, I get to weed out the unlikelies, and today I've decided you have a certain mocksie about you Evans that my dear Prongsie could use."

Lily didn't know what to say to that so she just laughed silently at him. "Okay Sirius."

"Now hear me out Evans, I trust you are headed to Great Hall as well?" He didn't wait for her answer or go back over to the girls that were waiting for him. Instead he strode on as if this was his intent all along. "Well good! Then I can illustrate to you why being on this list is a bit of a blessing…and a curse."

"You have a lot of free time don't you?"

"Francesco Francesko once said," Sirius began majestically, "Fear not for the future, but fear more of the possibility that you will ruin your own life by not taking advantage of the present."

"Who the hell is Francesco Francesco?"

"First of all, it's spelled F-r-a-n-c-e-s-c-o F-r-a-n-c-e-s-k-o, but I'm glad you asked that Lilypad," Sirius grinned, his arm still slung around her shoulder. "He is a very wise Italian man…Now then, off to your next lesson-" Sirius continued as they began up the steps.

Lily didn't know quite how they'd slipped so easily and seamlessly into being friends. Truth be told she never understood how anyone could be friends with a larger than life creature such as he. She went to him with the intent of just sharing information, but in the process of doing so she had unintentionally earned his trust. And if there was one thing Sirius Black wasn't loose with it was who he trusted. So despite her confusion Lily walked with him and allowed him to be the strange buffoon he was, because she couldn't, for the life of her, think of a reason why she should stop him.


	24. On Top of The World

_I've tried to cut these corners_  
_Try to take the easy way out_  
_I kept on falling short of something_  
_I coulda gave up then but_  
_Then again I couldn't have 'cause_  
_I've traveled all this way for something_

**-Imagine Dragons-**

* * *

"Christmas time is here!" Dorcas sang in a low off-key voice, her grin contagious as she threw red and green beads over Lily's neck. "Let us all cheer!"

"Dora," Lily giggled, "We have a week until Christmas break. We have end of term finals…"

"You can't bring down my Christmas cheer Lil." Dorcas declared firmly, placing a Santa hat on her head. "You know it's my favorite holiday and no one, not even you can take that from me."

Lily raised her hands. "I wouldn't even bother trying."

"Come on Lil!" Dorcas hugged her shoulders ecstatically. "You know you can't wait for santa to eat all the cookies and drop off presents."

"Dorcas," Lily sighed, feigning a grimace, "You know Santa isn't real right?"

"Well they said that about magic and they sure as shit were wrong about that weren't they?" She declared as she took one of the candy cane delights off the desert tray.

Lily chuckled and eyed Dorcas's excitement unable to stop smiling herself. She was excited for Christmas; now that Dorcas was going to spend the majority of the holiday with her she was really excited. She always happy to spend time with her father, every year they would put lights on the house, decorate the Christmas tree and make ginger bread houses, or as her sister used to say, 'houses for Lily.' The memory made her happy for a blinding split second, before she remembered how things had changed. Now Petunia would be out of the house as much as possible and when she was there she would spend the whole time muttering insults about Lily under her breath.

Over the years she had grown a thicker skin through enduring her sister's cruelty, but her seventeenth birthday was a little more than month away and this was the last Christmas she'd have with Petunia. Sure her father liked to think Petunia would come back after she finished high school, but Lily knew better. Pentunia would be graduating in a few months and turning nineteen a few weeks after that. There was no way Petunia would come back for the holidays at least if she did she wouldn't be alone. After high school she would marry that oaf of a boyfriend and become a …housewife and in Lily's opinion that was much worse than not coming back at all.

It wasn't that Lily across the board hated housewives, when her mother was alive she had been one like her mother before her. Lily just wanted more out of life than cleaning up after her husband and children. She wanted to do something exciting an adventurous with her life like all the character's she read about in her books. She wanted to explore new worlds like Lucy did in The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. She wanted to break out of her comfort zone like Bilbo Baggins did in The Hobbit. She wanted to love someone like Buttercup and Westley did in The Princess Bride. And maybe she wouldn't get any of that. Maybe she would be stuck in a desk job and never marry at all. The only way she'd be okay with that would be if she did something with the years before that so she could look back and think that she truly lived her life. Some housewives maybe still did that for all she knew, but Lily knew Petunia wouldn't. Petunia would settle had a boring, dull life, and that was one thing Lily just couldn't settle for.

But Lily made herself focus on the good things. Dorcas and her could play in the snow, have fun and forget all about Petunia and her unpleasantness. This would be a good Christmas, she was sure of it.

* * *

Down the table a bit James was reading the Daily prophet with a worried look etched on his face. He knew the war was coming, but it was much different having a vague idea of something and seeing the evidence. Naturally he was concerned for himself and his friends, but he was also worried about his parents. They weren't as young as they used to be and yet they still head onto their high-ranking jobs. In their letters, they said everything was fine that they were just stressed from the workload, but it was nothing they couldn't handle. James wondered sometimes if that was a line they just fed him or if it was also something they forced themselves to believe.

"You alright Prongs?" Peter asked quietly noticing James's expression.

James smiled at him forcibly. "I'm fine, thanks Pete."

Sirius glanced over at James and told Remus, "Why don't you go to the library with Pete?"

Remus furrowed his eyebrows. "Why? What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to play with Prongs in the snow. He looks like he could use it."

"I thought you were meeting Professor Sinastra in astronomy tower," Remus snickered knowingly.

Sirius grinned. "I'll reschedule. She'll understand."

"Oh is that how it works? You just tell them you can't do it and they get over it." He mocked Sirius.

"See Moony," Sirius wrapped his arm around his shoulder. "When you have game, like I do, and you don't. You can pretty much get any girl you want, whenever you want."

"Oh really?" Remus said sarcastically.

Sirius rose to his feet, his sleek black hair falling into his face. "Yes Moony. Yes indeed."

"What's up?" James asked gruffly as he saw Sirius's shadow.

"Come on." Sirius pushed him.

"Where are we going?"

Sirius let out a long drawn out sigh. "I'm Sirius Black, you are James Potter, that's it. There's no questioning. You just come along."

James rolled his eyes darkly, adjusting his glasses. "Fine."

"And leave the attitude with Moony. It works better on him anyway."

Remus threw a candy cane at Sirius's, but he dodged it just in time.

Sirius dragged James out onto the grounds. It was dark out and freezing out, the grounds were coded with at least three feet of pure happiness, or as Remus liked to call it, snow. James's spirit's lifted ever so slightly as snow gently glided down the sides of his face. They walked for a while, Sirius giggled like a little boy as he played in the snow, but his expression faltered when he saw the serious expression locked on James's face.

"You going to talk about it?" Sirius asked aloud bluntly. "Or are we going to just walk around avoiding whatever's bothering you?"

James frowned kicking a pile of snow. "I'm just worried."

"About?" Sirius asked.

"About my parents."

"You'll see them soon Prongs."

"I know. Things are just getting harder out there and I worry." James replied not looking at him, his face distant.

"You worry too much mate," Sirius reassured him naturally. "Your parents are smart, they are being safe."

James shrugged unaffected by Sirius's words. "Yeah."

"Alright that's it." Sirius sighed, longing at James and tackling him into the snow.

"PADFOOT!" James laughed as Sirius transformed into a dog and began to kick snow up onto his reddening face. "You little prick!"

"I REFUSE to ignore all this good snow!" Sirius announced as soon as he transformed back into a human.

James said, "Someone could have seen you!"

"Yeah, they could, but I made you laugh." Sirius shrugged unconcerned.

Shifting on the ground, James kept his face neutral as he built a snowball behind his back and then chucked it into Sirius's face. Sirius grabbed a snowball of his own, with a wide smirk across his handsome face.

"Alright Potter, you want to bring it? Lets go!"

For the next hour the two of the fought in the snow, laughing until their faces grew red, and their cheeks hurt from grinning so much. James knew that eventually there would be a cause to worry about his parents and friends, but as he rolled around in the snow, trying to out maneuver Sirius, he was happy that for now everyone he loved was safe. And also that he was faster than Sirius.

* * *

Lily, Dorcas and Marlene were in their sweats and ever since dinner they'd been practicing self-defense. Lily would have loved to think she would pick it up naturally, but she wasn't. Her body was stiff and unsure as she tried to follow Marlene's instructions to a t. Never before had she had so much trouble with directions, it was getting to the point where she was sweating in really odd places, despite not accomplishing anything.

"Okay so," Marlene said moving Lily's hands up. "When Dorcas does this-" Marlene gestured for Dorcas to choke Marlene. "You do this." Marlene moved Lily's arms.

"I don't know if I can actually do this if the situation calls for it." Lily admitted sheepishly, "Because in theory this is all great, but I don't know-"

"You socked Locke in the face," Dorcas pointed out.

Lily sighed taking a step back. "Yeah, but I was running on adrenaline and Remus was standing right next to me."

"So you knew you'd be safe." Dorcas said, "But what if that happens again?"

"What do you mean?"

Lily looked down anxiously. "Why would it?"

"Lily, they killed Mary because she was a muggleborn." Marlene whispered her eyes locking with Lily's. "I know all of this scares you, but you have to be prepared."

Lily's eyes filled with tears and she began to tremble. It wasn't that she didn't want to learn how to fight. She didn't want to rely on anyone else, but she hated the idea that this was real. Sure it was weak of her to think she could hide from what was coming, but she admitted that about herself. She didn't want to think that her friends were in danger because of her. She didn't want to think that she'd have to give them up to protect them. It was selfish, but Lily had waited her entire life to feel as accepted and loved as she did with Marlene and Dorcas, and she wasn't ready to give that up.

Dorcas sighed and put her arms around both of them. "Why don't we pick this up later this week?"

Marlene nodded side-hugging Dorcas, "That sounds like a good idea."

"What should we do know?" Dorcas questioned bouncing on her heels, her dark eyes alit with excitement.

"Study," Lily groaned miserably.

Marlene shook her head. "No, Lily we've been studying all week. We are taking tonight off."

Lily grimaced, "I would love to but-"

"You've already re-read all the notes. We can go over your textbook notes all weekend!" Dorcas insisted, "Come on Lil, let's live a little."

"And what exactly do you have in mind?" Lily shot back.

"Come on you two! I know what will get you into the Christmas spirit!" Dorcas raced off.

Lily gave Marlene a look. "Should we be concerned?"

"COME ON YOU GUYS!"

"Yes," Marlene giggled, linking arms with Lily. "Yes we should."

Dorcas dragged them into the Great Hall with an ecstatic look planted on her face. Lily opened her mouth to question why they were there. As far as she knew nothing happened in the Great Hall outside of meals and the rare school meeting. But when Dorcas wrenched open the door Lily's jaw dropped, her eyes widening in amazement.

"What is this?" Lily said in awe.

"Apparently, they do this every year!" Dorcas exclaimed, "I know right? I guess we were so busy studying to notice! Come on!"

* * *

Lily knew they set up Christmas tree's along the edge's of the table, but she had never seen the teacher's do it and she never thought they'd make a party out of it. Every few feet crimson and olive streamers were stranded from the banisters, looking absolutely perfect with the falling snow that was reflected in the see-through ceiling. What amazed them even more were the hundred or so students gathered together singing holiday songs, playing games and drinking hot coco with red and green sprinkles on top of their whipped cream. It looked like pure heaven.

"We have to sing!" Dorcas gasped.

Lily tugged her wardrobe anxiously. "I should go back and change."

"Nonsense. It's Christmas, we need participation, not glamour." Dorcas proclaimed gesturing to her tennis shoe clad feet.

"Fine, but if you think I'm singing-" Lily began warningly.

Marlene laughed as Dorcas dashed through the crowd to sign up, not listening to Lily. "Good try Lily, but you could be entirely tone deaf and she wouldn't care."

Lily felt uncomfortable. Not that she particularly felt comfortable in the standard uniform either, but she felt like she should have at least not come in looking like a frazzled tomato. But then she looked over at Marlene, one of the most gorgeous girls she knew and saw she looked quite similar. Sure she wasn't nearly as flushed as Lily, but Marlene didn't seem to care how she looked, which made Lily feel more at ease. Hell, if Dorcas of all people wasn't concerned why should Lily be?

"Want to play wizard's chess while we wait for…" Lily drifted off as she saw the upset look on Marlene. "Is there something wrong Marlene?"

"Did I say or do something to Sirius?" She questioned her more sharply than she should have. "Because it's been weeks now since we've gotten back and he barely looks at me let alone talks to me."

"Maybe he's trying to give you …space?" Lily offered lamely looking at the end of the Gryffindor table to see Sirius laughing wildly as he played exploding snaps with Remus.

"Space for what? I'm fine." Marlene countered furiously.

Lily shrugged. "I think you should talk to him."

"How would that go? '_Hey Sirius, you've been avoiding me, want to tell me why since I've done absolutely nothing to you?_"

Lily gave her a sympathetic look. "Look, you might as well talk to him now, instead of worrying all through finals."

"You're right." Marlene said setting her face. "Tell Dorcas I'll sing with her later."

"Will do." Lily replied patting her on the back, before Marlene charged off in the direction of Sirius.

Dorcas bounced over, merrily. "Where'd Marley go?"

"To talk to Sirius." Lily turned to Dorcas, "So what did you sign up for?"

* * *

James looked up from his cards in time to see Marlene charging over to them. Recognizing the look on her face, James flinched. Once he saw that he was not the source of her gaze he immediately dropped his cards, grabbed Remus and Peter and stood up. "Let's go help McGonagall."

"Wait what? I was winning!" Remus complained as James steered them away.

Sirius gave them a confused look, and began to put away the cards. "You guys are cowards! You cads! Francesco Francesko would not approve!"

"We need to talk." Marlene informed him promptly.

Sirius noticeably flinched. "...That's never a good sentence."

"You've been avoiding me, ignoring me, and generally pissing me off Sirius Black."

"And how is that new?" Sirius questioned lifting his legs to slide around and face her. "You've never particularly liked me."

Marlene scoffed. "What are you talking about? We _are_ friends Sirius."

"Sure we _became_ friends, but I personally think our friendship has ran its course, don't you?"

"Its fun-ny, you look like Sirius, but you sound like your _father._" Marlene replied coolly.

Sirius's arrogant sneer dropped from his face as his eyes gleamed. "And what have you been up to? You look like you rolled around with a garden knob."

"Why are you mad at me?" Marlene asked softly. "Are you mad you had to rescue me? Because if that's it then you shouldn't have gone. What was it because everyone else was that you decided to?"

Sirius's face softened, but his eyes filled with anger. "Is that what you think?"

"Well you won't talk to me! And you just tried to change the topic!" She sighed throwing her hands up. "So what the hell else am I supposed to think?"

Sirius hesitated. He wanted to tell her that none of that was true. He wanted to tell her that none of that mattered. He wanted to tell her that she looked gorgeous despite the fact that she was a mess, but he didn't. Instead he did what he'd been doing his whole life, he avoided the problem and focused on the easiest girl in the room.

"Now if you'll excuse me," Sirius said standing up, "There's a brunette across the room that I'd like to get to know better."

Marlene wanted to slap him, but she didn't. He wasn't worth it.

She refused to care about him anymore. This was the last straw, she had to completely shut herself off to him. If he wanted to be a complete and total wanker then that was fine, she had better friends than him anyway. Marlene bit her lip as she watched Sirius sweet talk the brunette in question and continue out the Great Hall door. Marlene headed over to James, Remus and Peter who were messing with McGonagall mercilessly.

"Oh Professor, a little to the left," James insisted.

Remus kept a perfectly straight face, "Actually I think more to the right."

Marlene let out a low guttery laugh. "You three are awful."

"You okay?" Peter said, his watery blue eyes focused on her concernedly.

She hugged him. "Yeah I'm good, but you know what would make me feel better? If you let me set you up on a date, and if James would sing a song with me."

"That can be done," James smirked, "Minny you keep up the good work!"

"Potter!" McGonagall called, "I told you _NOT_ to call me that!"

"ALWAYS A PLEASURE!" James shouted back, draping his arm around Marlene and Remus.

* * *

When they arrived at the station, Marlene could see Amelia Bones was singing Silent Night, her eyes occasionally flashed it Fabian Prewett across the room. Dorcas and Lily wore Santa hats were sitting with a dozen other students cheering the tiny blond on. As soon as they sat down Marlene started plotting.

"So Pete, who do you fancy these days?"

Peter looked nervous. "Why the sudden interest?"

"Oooh I smell a Mar project coming on," James mocked her easily.

"Because," Marlene began swatting James, "Everyone else has had a date or…something and you deserve that Pete."

He squirmed laughing under his breath. "I'm fine Marlene."

"I'm going to figure it out Pete."

James laughed and gave her a look. "Mar, why don't you play Cupid later?"

Amelia finished singing, her face bright and smiling as she ran to sit by her friends. Dorcas spun around in her chair. "We're up next."

"What do you mean _we_?" Marlene questioned with a smile.

"Look," She lowered her voice so Lily wouldn't hear. "It goes you, me and Lily and then I signed her up for the next song…"

Marlene laughed, putting her hand to her forehead and shaking her head. "Oh Merlin."

"Come on! If you don't go up we can't trick her into doing it!"

"Fine! But can you put James and I on for Winter Wonderland?" Marlene told her.

"Deal!" Dorcas nodded, bolting out of her seat in a flash.

Amos Diggory got up, "Okay next is Meadowes, Evans and McKinnon singing White Christmas."

* * *

Dorcas and Marlene dragged Lily on stage, but once she was there she let go of all it and pointed her wand to her throat. "Let's do this."

Beaming Dorcas rocked her hips, her dark hair bouncing, "I'll take lead, then you Mar, then you Lil. Ready?"

The other two nodded.

"On three, one, a two, a three." Dorcas began in a pretty strong voice, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, Just like the ones I used to know Where the tree tops glisten and children listen, To hear sleigh bells in the snow."

Marlene snorted and began to sing, the funniest part was it wasn't really singing, it was more her talking with in a odd rhythm, but nothing was as bad as Lily. Her singing was off pitch and she had to stop to laugh a few times, but once she hit her stride she kept going until the end. When they finished, the three of them linked hands and bowed for the very small and inconsequential crowd.

"Hey Lily," Dorcas began, lowering her wand. "Remember during the summer when you lost a bet and you owe me one thing you absolutely have to do?"

"Oh no." Lily grimaced. "_No…no no no_. NO! You can't do this to me!" Lily said to Dorcas between gritted teeth. Her emerald eyes turned on to Marlene. "Marley help me here!"

"LILY! LILY! LILY!" Marlene started the chant as she sat down next in between James and Peter.

"I'm gonna kill you." Lily told them as they left her on stage.

"Come on Evans," Diggory called, "More people want to go!"

Putting her wand to her throat she said, "I hate all of you."

After a few beats of glaring at Amos, Lily crossed her arms and began to sing. It wasn't very pretty, and Lily felt completely uncomfortable. Why did her friends do this? She hated being put on the spot. She tried to stare down at the ground, but for a split second her gaze drifted upward and she saw James watching her. Everyone else was too, but unlike the rest of her friends he wasn't laughing hysterically or one of the other audience members booing her off the stage. He just was smiling up at her like she was the most magnificent thing in the world. After that Lily didn't look at him again. Instead she just went for it. She tried to hit notes she knew she couldn't, she danced like a fool and all the people that had been booing her started encouraging her. When she finished singing everyone stood and clapped for her, but for once Lily gave James a small little smile and went back to sit with Dorcas.

"Now that is the holiday spirit!" Dorcas hugged her.

For the next hour Lily watched her friends sing with a cup of hot chocolate in her hand. It was cute when Marlene and James sung together. It was hysterical when James, Remus and a very forced Peter sung together. She knew she should be worrying or thinking about other things, but she was having too good of a time to think of such things. It was then, in warmth of Dorcas's Christmas cheer that she decided Lily Evans liked Christmas.


	25. Someday

_And maybe someday we'll figure all this out_

_Try to put an end to all our doubt_

_And try to find a way to make things better now that_

_Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud_

**-Rob Thomas-**

* * *

"COME ON LILY!" Marlene groaned furiously. "We've been in here for an hour and you have yet to hit me."

"I know! I know!" Lily shouted, "I'm trying!"

Lily felt bad, she really was trying, but the problem was she didn't want to hurt Marlene. Every time she aimed a kick or punch at Marlene's head she just couldn't put her heart into it and Marlene would use that to knock her back on her arse every time.

"Lily you have to hit harder than that."

"I don't want to hurt you." Lily muttered childishly.

"Well Death Eater's do want to hurt you Lily," Dorcas pointed out bluntly. "So you either fight Marlene or we might as well give up on teaching you anything."

Marlene gave Lily a look. "She's right Lily. You either embrace this or give into-"

"-the fact that you can't defend yourself and will always have to depend on a man to defend you." Dorcas finished ruthlessly.

That sent Lily over the edge. She lifted her leg and attempted to do the leg sweeping thing Marlene taught her, and she almost had it. Right before her leg connected with Marlene's, Marlene jumped and turned it around on Lily, throwing her onto the ground instead.

"Good try." Marlene told her, "You just have to want it more."

Lily stayed on the ground, her face red from frustration. "I do want it!"

"Well why don't we pick this up again after break?" Marlene suggested, swatting down next to her. "You've learned all the basic technique's, why don't we pick this up after break? You can practice with Dora."

"Yeah if we have enough time." Dorcas scoffed, "You know in between all of our snow ball fights."

"You coming Lil?" Marlene asked as she and Dorcas paused in the doorway.

Lily nodded, wiping the sweat of her forehead exhaustedly. "You guys go ahead I'm going to stay here and… study."

Dorcas ruffled Lily's hair roughly, making a face. "We'll see you at dinner!"

As soon as Marlene and Dorcas left, Lily sighed, and rubbed her arse with a sour look on her face. In Lily's opinion this was worse than Wizard's chess. At least with that she didn't understand the game at all so it made sense that she wasn't skilled at it, but with this she did everything Marlene said and still there was nothing gained from it. So Lily, and her broken ego sulked on the floor wondering why she couldn't get this. Eventually she knew she'd have to rise from the floor, shower and throw herself back into studying, but for a few minutes it felt very nice to just embrace herself pity. And so she did.

* * *

Marlene cuddled into the seat next to James and Remus in the library while Dorcas dragged Peter across the room to tutor him in Charms.

"Hey Mar, how's the training going?" Remus asked kindly.

"Torture." Marlene groaned dropping back in her chair.

James furrowed his eyebrows, pushing away his potions textbook with a great deal of disgust. "What are you training for? We don't have any games till February."

"Lily is trying to learn self defense." Marlene yawned taking a book out of her bag.

Remus gave her a look. "Mar, that isn't your Potion's book."

"If I look at another word of academics, I'm gonna kill someone," She informed him through gritted teeth. "We have three exams tomorrow and I need to relax before I snap and kill one or both of you."

James raised his hands in pure innocence. "Alright Marls. Understood! Are you excited for break?"

"Yeah," Marlene cuddled into her chair. "Two weeks with the twins and Rick…_yay._"

"Oh please! I'm sure you'll have a blast."

Marlene shrugged, "It will be fun. I like spending time with my family. I miss my parents."

James tried to make his next question sound light and not at all pointed at anyone in particular. "So what is everyone doing for break?"

Remus cleared his throat pushing his own book aside. "I'll be with my mum."

"And everyone else?" James asked airily.

"Dorcas is staying with Lily for break, and I'm pretty sure Sirius is staying with you." Marlene told James mockingly.

"Why would Meadowes be staying with Lily?"

"Don't worry about it." Marlene waved him off, opening her book and flipping through until she reached the page she was looking for.

"What are you reading?

"Anna Karenina," She murmured. "Lily let me borrow it, it's her favorite."

James furrowed his eyebrows curiously. "What's it about?"

"Anna Karenina is the tragedy of married aristocrat and socialite Anna Karenina and her affair with the affluent Count Vronsky. The story starts when she arrives in the midst of a family broken up by her brother's unbridled womanizing—something that prefigures her own later situation, though with less tolerance for her by others." Remus recited from memory.

Marlene rolled her eyes at him, but she beamed down at the book. "I actually really enjoy it."

"Of course you would love a sappy love story."

"It's not that sappy actually." Remus informed James darkly, "All of the relationships but one are toxic and messed up."

James eyed her critically. "And you enjoy reading about that?"

"Love doesn't always work out and you don't always just fall in love with one person and stay with them for the rest of your life." Marlene countered.

"I know that." James rolled his eyes dryly.

"I don't know that you do," Marlene said, "I've heard how your parents fell in love. They dated other people and didn't even meet until they were 25, but once your father saw your mother-"

"That was it for him," James finished knowingly, a smile tugging on his lips. "I know the story Marlene, but that doesn't mean it's genetic."

She shrugged, "I'm not saying it is, but you are a lot like your father."

Remus snickered under his breath. "True."

James threw his hands up. "Is that a bad thing or something?"

"Not at all. Your father is a very good man, but if there's one thing that seems to stick with Potter men, is when you see what you want, that's it for you."

James snorted. "I don't know what you want me to say."

"Absolutely nothing." Marlene replied returning to her book smugly.

Remus laughed, leaning back in his chair. "Aren't you supposed to be setting Peter up on a date Mar?"

"All in good time Lupin." Marlene's eyes lifted to his with a smirk. "And don't think that my matchmaking list doesn't include you. It's on my new years resolution list."

James shifted his chair and moved Marlene's around so he could lay on her lap.

Marlene snorted, "Um, hello."

"Yes, hello," James grinned pulling off his glasses and snuggling into her.

"You are so weird." Marlene said leaning back so she could read.

"Play with my hair," James whined like a five-year-old boy.

Marlene scoffed. "What do you mean? It already is pretty messed up."

"Just run your hands through it or something."

"What am I? Your mother?"

James nodded, "Yep, you are my blond mother."

"You are ridiculous."

Remus put his books in his bag. "I'll see you guys later. I'm going to see if I can wrangle Sirius out of whatever broom closet, he's shacked up in."

"Oh is that how it works? You spend half hour with your hand up a girls shirt and you ace your charms exam?" Marlene said icily.

James pouted as Remus left, "I wish I studied like that."

"You are gross." Marlene shook her head disapproving not touching James's hair and instead going back to her book.

* * *

Lily ran into Remus on her way out of the Gryffindor Common Room. Her face was flushed from earlier, her hair was everywhere, as her eyes widened in surprise.

"Oh sorry!" Remus said before glancing at her face, "You okay Lil?"

"Just…stressed," She sighed heavily. "Why aren't you with the guys?"

Remus turned on his heel and began walking with her. "I don't know. I just didn't feel like hanging out with James and Mar today."

"Marlene's been kicking me around the room of requirement all day, what's your excuse?"

Remus shrugged, a small frown creeping onto his face. "I don't care much for holidays and being around them reminds me of that sometimes."

Lily gently wrapped her arms around his boney torso, and hugged into his side. "Well you can always visit me over break if you want."

"Thanks Lil." He hugged her back with a smile. "I have question for you though."

"What's up?"

Remus hesitated before asking, "Why is Dorcas staying with you over break?"

Lily eyed Remus carefully before answering. It really wasn't any of Remus's business and if it were anyone else asking Lily would have said so, but she had a feeling Remus wasn't asking to be nosy. Remus just genuinely cared as to why this was happening and as long he kept the information to himself she didn't see any reason why she shouldn't answer his question.

"Dorcas has a really horrible relationship with her step mom and dad. Her mum died when she was 11 and her dad was remarried quickly." Her pale face darkened as they turned the corner and stepped over the students studying in the corridor. Lily's voice lowered as she continued, "And they both treat her horribly. Think the muggle version of Sirius's parents. They fight over who has to deal with her and try to stop her from being here. So obviously she doesn't like to be there."

Remus rolled his lips over his teeth. "I never would have thought that about her."

"Of course not. She would prefer everyone assumed anything else about her. She isn't exactly the type of person people ask personal questions about." Lily said, "Why do you ask?"

"Just seemed odd that she was staying the holiday with you."

"She'll be going to her Grandmother's on Christmas Eve and Christmas day and I'm glad to have a buffer for Petunia."

Remus rubbed her shoulders comfortingly. "I'd say you could come over-"

"Don't worry about it." She reassured him warmly. "We just have to take our last few tests and then we are school free."

Lily grinned at Remus and then twisted around as she heard a loud bang. First a fifth year Hufflepuff ran out of one of janitors closet in her frilly lavender underwear, squealing in fear.

"What the hell?" Remus muttered in confusion.

Lily said, "Should we-?"

But her question died on her lips as soon as she saw McGonagall walk up, reach into the closet and throw Sirius out of the closet onto the floor.

"DETENTION! BLACK!"

"Minny," Sirius began with a guilty smirk, his hair sticking up in every direction. One hand around his unbuttoned trousers, "I think we have a misunderstanding-"

"NO WE DON'T MR. BLACK!" She snapped pocketing her wand and turning his ear in his hand. "You are coming with me and we are going to discuss what is and what is NOT appropriate to do in a broom closet."

"Can I at least get my shirt? I'm cold." Sirius asked as he made futile attempts to button up his pants.

"You should have thought of that earlier Mr. Black!" McGonagall snapped harshly charging away, dragging Sirius behind her. "In all my years of teaching! Never have I-"

Lily fell onto Remus laughing. It took a few minutes for them to calm down before they began walking again.

"So that's what Sirius has been up to. I rarely see him around these days." Lily giggled.

Remus said, "Yeah well James is always with Marlene lately and I think Sirius's trying to avoid her."

"Well at the Christmas thing I saw her talking to him. Maybe it didn't go well?"

"Not a clue. Sirius hasn't said a word about it, or her."

"Do you think somethings going on there?" Lily wondered aloud. "I mean i've never seen Sirius go out of his way to avoid anything. He seems to actually prefer confrontation."

Remus said, "Well if there is I doubt she knows anything about it."

Lily stopped walking. "I have an idea."

"What?"

"Are you busy right now?"

Remus thought about it. "I should…probably…study…at some point."

"Well!" Lily grinned, locking arms with him, "I think it's about time you and I did a bit of meddling of our own."

"What do you have in mind Ms. Evans?"

"Oh you shall see! But first I suggest we get some earl grey and talk this out!"

Remus shrugged obligingly. "Alright I'm in Lil."


	26. Take Your Time (Coming Home)

_I'm not scared._  
_I've got friends,_  
_took my call_  
**-Fun.-**

* * *

Lily put her things in her compartment with Dorcas and Marlene before going to sit by herself in the only empty compartment in the entire train. Usually it was unofficially set aside for prefects, but all the prefects were, at least for the time being, sitting with their friends. Something that Lily herself would do in a few minutes. She just needed a minute to clear her head before going back to sit with her friends. There was no an single part of her that was upset that Dorcas was coming home with her for break, but every single part of her feared what new forms of hell she would have endure when Dorcas left.

Every year Lily tried to convince herself that it wasn't that bad. That maybe Petunia would let go of her pettiness and just leave Lily alone, but she knew better. Petunia looked for opportunities like this to strike. Idily Lily wondered what horrible thing her sister would say to her this year. Last year Petunia taunted her that no one would ever want such a scrawny, freckled, pasty mess, which wouldn't have been that bad if she didn't repeat it, over and over again until Lily snapped and threw a plate at her head. Her father had scolded her, but what was worse was that Lily felt like she had lost the war against Petunia. For years Petunia lived to push Lily's buttons and every time with no avail she accomplished it. Lily tried her best to ignore her sister, but she couldn't, because Petunia always said the horrible things Lily thought about herself. And for once Lily would like to think she had grown confident enough to be beyond that. That she could just hear her sister call her worthless and smile back like she didn't care at all.

As she focused on breathing Lily tried to remember that she wasn't that same scared, 11 year old girl with a mane of ridiculous red hair. She had good grades and a high standing in school, she had friends now. So whatever Petunia threw at her, she could take, because she wasn't the same quiet weak girl. Sure she still couldn't throw a punch without feeling guilty …and she really was a shite dueler, but she was getting better, and that was more than most people could say for themselves.

"What are you thinking about?"

Lily jumped as she saw Sirius Black leaning in the compartment doorway, with his usual amused smirk. "Nothing, just stuff…"

"Nice Evans," He snorted, "I feel like I understand so deeply I feel that way myself."

"Oh sod off." She scoffed crossing her arms over her chest. "Should you be with Potter?"

"Can't stop thinking about him eh?" Sirius winked at her.

Lily's cheeks reddened as she gave him a dirty look. "Can I help you with something?"

"I just wanted to make sure you were coming to Prongs's Christmas party." He said strolling in casually, shutting the door and falling into the seat across from her.

"Um…I'm not sure…Probably not. Why?"

Sirius frowned. "Because I think you should come and perhaps dance with James for a spin or two."

"I'm more concerned about your love life."

"Why would you be?" Sirius scoffed.

It was Lily's turn to smirk. "I don't know, maybe because you are in love with my best friend."

"Meadowes is fit, but I'd sooner wrestle an ocelot." He said dismissively.

"I was referring to Marlene McKinnon."

Sirius's smirk fell and his face-hardened as he looked at Lily. Though they had fallen into friendship, Sirius wasn't sure if he liked this side of being friends with a female. Males, though they might suspect things, often kept their suspicions to themselves unless it directly affected them. Girls were different, they noticed flashes of expression and wanted to talk about them. Sirius couldn't think of a more horrible or wretched thing to think about.

"Lily," He began carefully, "I have never said anything to that effect."

"But you do love her," Lily retorted cutting through his vagueness. "I know you do."

Sirius tensed uncomfortably. "Why do you think that?"

"Because that's how you feel."

Irritated, Sirius glowered at her. "Oh? And why would I go and do a stupid thing like that?"

"Being in love is stupid." Lily agreed wholeheartedly. "But sadly Sirius, you have fallen into it."

Sirius looked away with a sigh. "I refuse."

"You refuse?" Lily looked at him questionably. "You refuse to what? Love her or admit that you love her?"

He refused to answer, his face looking more and more annoyed by the minute.

"My dad always says to be in love is to be brave." Lily told him softly, her face sympathetic. "And I can see why it would scare you, because frankly love is ridiculous and it makes everyone involved become ridiculous."

"You are afraid of love?" He asked thoughtfully.

"Most people are," She took a second before admitting, "I'm afraid of almost everything, but that's somewhere at the top of the list."

"Huh, that explains a lot."

Lily's eyebrows rose, "But, that's not why I turn your best friend down. I have an entire box full of reason's why I do that."

"Well one day I will enjoy hearing those empty, worthless reasons." He told her, standing up. "But until then you hold onto the little box, you hold onto it for dear life."

Lily laughed at his pained expression and stood up, patting his shoulder comfortingly. "You'll be okay Sirius."

"Of course I am. I'm doing wonderfully." He lied flashing her a smile, wrapping his arm around your shoulder and squeezing reassuringly.

* * *

A few minutes later Lily began to head to her compartment where Marlene was pacing around the small compartment, her blue eyes focused on something she couldn't see.

"Marlene McKinnon everybody. The patron saint of lost causes." Dorcas declared wryly, she sat on the floor painting her toenails, purple with white polka dots.

"It is not a lost cause! I just need to find a way to make Lily see reason… she and James, belong together. I just don't know how to make her see that…" Marlene drifted off wildly.

"Well when I went looking for the trolley I saw Lily she was sitting with Black…which is so weird I don't know what even to put that under." Dorcas muttered.

Marlene scowled, tossing her blond hair over her shoulder. "Well I don't like that at all."

"Of course you don't, but you know Lily, she's like a golden retriever. No matter how much she'd like to act like she's picky, she friends with everybody."

Marlene laughed at that comment, but continued pacing. "That's true."

"Mar, sit down, let me do your toes." Dorcas sighed, "You're giving me a headache with all that panicking."

Marlene dropped to the floor with a sigh, but still tapped her fingers on the seat cover in deep thought.

Lily peeled open the door with a warm smile on her face. "Hello!"

"Who'd you bang?" Dorcas asked with a laugh.

Shooting Dorcas a dirty look, Lily dropped to sit down on the floor with them. "Where's Alice?"

"She's sitting with Amelia and her Ravenclaw friends I think." Marlene replied with a somber expression.

Alice was never close with them, but it made Mary's absence stronger now that Alice couldn't bear to sit in the compartment without her.

"Who was that you were snogging earlier Dora?" Lily teased trying to lighten up the mood.

"Define earlier," Dorcas said as she let her nails dry and began to paint Marlene's.

"Um about an hour before we left."

Dorcas snorted. "That would be Chris Davies."

"oooh!" Lily mocked her with a bright smile.

"It's not a big deal. Just a snog. Besides I'm doing a civil service. I don't think there are any decent guys left. So therefore, I snog all the arse's to save you all from having to do it."

"So selfless." Lily rolled her eyes.

"I know." Dorcas pretended to wipe sweat off her forehead. "I do SO much."

Marlene rolled her eyes and grinned. "I believe there are decent guys out there, they are just exhausted and taking a time out."

"I guess," Dorcas scoffed dismissively. "Lily what color do you want yours?"

"Um green!"

"You want your toes to match your eyes?" Marlene shook her head with a laugh. "You are so weird Evans."

"What? My eyes are said to be my finest feature." Lily proclaimed batting her eyelashes at Marlene.

"Who told you that rubbish?" Dorcas smirked cockily.

Lily smacked her arm. "My grandpa!"

"Well bless him."

"Yes, he has a good heart for saying that." Marlene nodded along with Dorcas.

Lily glared at them, crossing her arms. "You two are jerks."

"No, we are your friends sweetheart." Dorcas clarified. "Jerks tell you things to make you feel bad. We tell you things to keep you normal."

* * *

Across the train the Marauders stood in a circle with incredulous looks on their young faces.

"This is stupid, reckless and completely idiotic Padfoot," James began in a serious voice, before revealing a smirk and clapping Sirius on the back. "I'm in."

Remus gave them a sensible look. "But what is the point of this exactly?"

"What afraid they'll take away _your_ badge Moony?" Sirius questioned.

"Well if they haven't taken it away before now…" Remus sighed with a small smile.

"Alright," James grinned, pull Peter into the group huddle. "Whoever gets both badges by the end of the train ride gets everyone else to buy him whatever he wants off the trolley."

"What if two of us get one?" Peter piped up, his watery blue eyes focused on James.

James frowned running a hand through the back of his hair thoughtfully. "You got me there Wormy…Okay if that happens then they each get two things off the trolley. That sound good Wormtail?"

Peter nodded with a smile.

"Okay, Marauder's on three, one…two …three…MARUADERS!" The four of them chanted, locking eyes before climbing over each other violently to get out of the compartment.

The fifth year prefects were Emma Corner and Luke Grint, which slanted the competition slightly in James and Sirius direction. For James, he had an in with Luke as Luke had been trying every year, to no avail, to get on the Quidditch team, and constantly tried to impress James as a side affect. For Sirius…well Emma was a woman, and that happened to be a specialty of his. The odds weren't looking good for Peter and Remus. Remus thought that he'd use the sensible approach and use his influence as a prefect to get the badges. Peter…well he had nothing. He assumed that, like every other challenge, he would have a hard time competing with the three of them and hesitated in even bothering.

Peter watched from the hallway as James and Sirius separated towards the different compartments, and Remus tagged behind James. For a minute Peter considered what Remus's angle was and why he didn't follow Sirius, but then it occurred to him, as it had occurred to Remus, that it was much more difficult to take attention away from Sirius than it was to take attention away from James.

Hours later, James and Remus returned to their compartment with sour expressions on their faces.

Plopping down on the seat, James leaned back with a groan. "Sirius is going to be insufferable."

"For once I'm thankful I don't get to spend break with you two." Remus grinned. "I might have lost, but I don't have to hear how I did it to '_the great and powerful padfoot_' all break."

"I really loathe when he calls himself that." James winced.

"Me too," Peter interjected as he slipped into the compartment.

"What were you up to Peter?" Remus asked, "Did you go visit Dorcas?"

Peter shook his head and was about to say something when Sirius pushed him out of the way, his hair was sticking up, his face gleamed with sweat and the buttons were ripped off his shirt. He shut the compartment door and fell to the floor, panting for breath.

James gave him a look. "What did you do now mate?"

"Me?" Sirius yelped, "Why am I always the villain? Why am I never the victim? I could very well have been assaulted and the three of you just-"

"What did you do?" Remus directed at Sirius while helping Peter sit up straight.

Sirius gave an overdramatic sigh, falling back on the floor. "I tried to simply convince Emily-"

"Well first of all her name is Emma," Remus laughed knowingly.

Sirius's eyes darkened. "Yeah she freaked out about that too! Like a mad woman!"

"Were you in the middle of snogging her?"

"Um…a bit further then that…"

James gave Peter and Remus a look and then rubbed his face with a low laugh. "You were supposed to get her badge, and instead you shagged her and called her by the wrong name."

Sirius made an offended noise. "It was not my fault! I was just implying we could snog and then she was the one who kept taking it further. What could I have done?"

"Gained an ounce of self control." Remus rolled his eyes. "Did you get the badge?"

"How could I? With her beating me?" Sirius scoffed moving to sit next to James. "Bloody bird…Ruined my shirt."

"I guess that challenge failed horribly." James said with a sigh.

"Nobody got one?" Sirius asked with a pout.

"I did." Peter said quietly, pulling two shiny prefects badges out of his thick, oversized pockets.

Sirius gaped in pure shock. "But…How…but…"

James on the other hand looked proud. A small impish grin grew on his pale face revealing a single dimple indented in his left cheek, his hazel eyes twinkling with delight.

"Pete, you clever rat you." James said astonished, "How did you do it?"

"When Padfoot started snogging the girl prefect, I snuck in and grabbed the badge-" Peter explained quietly, but he was caught off guard when Sirius let out a howling groan of fury.

Sirius was a notoriously bad loser, but to know that Peter just grabbed the badge when he wasn't looking sent him over the edge. While Sirius rolled around the floor thrashing in pure agony, Peter continued to explain how Peter simply picked the male prefects pocket for his badge. Remus clapped Peter on the back and congratulated him loudly over Sirius's disruption. James noted that Peter did have a level of stealth and sneakiness that they often undervalued, but most of his words were lost in the world of noise Sirius making on the floor.

When the train finally pulled to a stop, Peter pushed all his newfound chocolate into his bag as Remus went to go return the prefect badges. Sirius slumped out to go meet James's parents as James helped Peter lift his things and they headed off the train together.

"Thanks James," Peter said quietly.

James flashed him a grin. "Anytime Pete and don't mind Padfoot, you know how thick he can get."

"Yes, I do."

Leaping off the train James accidentally bumped into an average sized man with dusty brown hair and a sensible looking jacket that James had carelessly knocked to the floor.

"Excuse me sir," James said politely, flashing the man a smile as he handed the man his coat.

"It's not problem." Mr. Evans told him shifting away from the crowds of students.

Dorcas strolled over with her luggage just as James was about to keep walking. "Potter, what are _you_ doing in this neck of the woods?"

"Oh is this-?" James began gesturing to Mr. Evans assuming him to be related to her.

"Actually he's Lily's." Dorcas informed him before turning to Mr. Evans. "Hello."

James's eyes grew large and Dorcas visibly saw his pulse quicken. "Oh."

"Potter, this is Mr. Evans, this is James Potter, also know as the man who intends to marry and impregnate your daughter. In what order his intentions lie have yet to be seen."

James's face grew incredibly pale. "I…"

"Relax," Mr. Evans laughed raising a hand and giving Dorcas a dark look. "Dorcas, play nicely."

Dorcas grinned. "Yes, Mr. Evans."

"Um…well it was nice meeting you sir." James said lamely trying to redeem himself.

"I'd like to say the feeling was mutual, but Dorcas's words have me swayed. So why don't we just leave it that?"

James gulped, "Um…alright." And then walked away briskly, dragging his luggage behind him unsteadily behind him, a small bead of sweat building in his forehead.

"I think he's going to pass out." Dorcas laughed to Mr. Evans.

Mr. Evans nodded, with a mischievous smile. "Let's find Lily shall we?"

"Hold on, I'm still picturing the look on Potter's face..."


	27. It's Christmas Time

_At christmas time, we let in light and we banish shade_  
_And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy_  
_Throw your arms around the world at christmas time_

**-Band Aid-**

* * *

"Your snowman looks weird." Dorcas informed Lily cocking her head to the side. Her dark wavy hair peeked out of her knit hat.

Lily wrinkled her pink nose and tilted her head to see what was wrong with it. She put on the buttons, the carrot and the hat on it. For the past few minutes as her skin grew paler and her toes grew numb she began to wonder whether or not to add a hat and glasses. For the past week they had built an army of plain snowmen and fought a mock war. Dorcas won of course, but Lily won the snowball fight they had engaged in the night before, mostly because Lily, who was tired of losing by this point, decided to cheat and just tackle Dorcas down to the ground.

"Are you going to name him?"

"I don't know…I've always been rubbish at naming things." Lily frowned, "Does he look like a Thomas to you?"

"If you add the glasses he will," Dorcas nodded thoughtfully. "You know you should really stop doing that."

Lily looked at her in confusion. "Doing what?"

"Assuming that if you do something wrong once or twice that you are bad at it. You are a hard worker, but if you can't do something after awhile you assume that you can't do it." Dorcas said in a solemn voice. "Why don't you trust yourself?"

Looking down Lily shrugged. "I don't know."

"Well," Dorcas said, in a much lighter tone, "I think Thomas is a lovely name for a snow man."

"Thanks." Lily grinned adding the scarf and glasses on him. "There we go."

Dorcas smiled at Lily's work. "Yes! Now let's watch Christmas movies and make our gingerbread houses."

"Aye aye captain!" Lily agreed happily.

Once they moved inside, Lily couldn't stop smiling. The whole house was decked out in all her mother's Christmas decorations and smelled like cookies. The Christmas lights in the front were hung by Lily and her father with Dorcas's strict supervision, but the inside was Petunia's doing. Petunia was always better at decorating things; it was something she always did with their mother when she was alive. A small pang of nostalgia floated up inside of Lily as she picture her mother dragging out the box of ornaments, carefully deciding where to place each one. It always used to annoy Lily because she never saw why it mattered where the ornaments were put, but now that she was gone she knew it was something Petunia took time with. Dorcas took off her winter coat; boots, gloves, hat and scarf, diving into the kitchen, but Lily paused for a second.

Christmas may have been Dorcas's favorite holiday, but it wasn't for Lily. For Lily it was just a holiday that reminded her that her mother was gone. Taking a shaky breath, Lily tried to ignore the green and red pillow on the couch, the wreath on the doorway and the lights strung across the mantel of the fireplace. Instead she grabbed the channel control and turned on the television.

"This is my favorite!" Dorcas gushed rushing into the room, taking the controller away from Lily. "You can't change this movie! It's a Wonderful Life is American gold!"

Lily rolled her eyes and moved to the kitchen. She sat on a high chair and began assembling her gingerbread pieces. "I thought you said you hated black and white movies."

Dorcas came over and moved her chair so she could work and watch the movie from the counter. "This movie is an exception."

"It's the exact same story as Scrooge," Lily shrugged looking away as she focused on fixing the roof of her gingerbread house with white icing. "They just made the main character more likable."

Dorcas frowned, her brown eyes growing sad as she looked over at Lily. "But Scrooge has no emotional depth at all, Lil. I love George and Mary, he wanted to give her the moon."

Lily scoffed. "It's all a bit unrealistic if you ask me."

"One day Lily Evans, you will find someone you feel that way about and you better not be stupid about it. You better hold onto it." Dorcas said bluntly.

Lily glanced up in surprise. She expected romantic optimism from Marlene but not Dorcas. "Since when do you think like that?"

"My dad and my real mum," Dorcas started in a strained voice, her eyes focused on her ginger bread house. "They really loved each other. My mother…She made my father a better person. He literally lit up when she was around. When she died…he couldn't do it anymore. I don't think he wants to be alive let alone be around me…" Dorcas paused, her bottom lip trembling for a second before she straightened up and fixed her face as if she had never said anything personal. "My point is that sometimes you do fall in love like that and if you're lucky enough to get that you shouldn't let go of it. George would have been nothing without Mary."

"Dora," Lily began softly. "Why don't you ever date then?"

Dorcas scoffed wryly breaking the tension. "I seem to remember you lecturing me a few days ago about my extra curricular activities."

"Yeah, but that isn't dating. That's…" Lily scrunched up her face as she thought of an appropriate word. "Stuff."

"No one has ever asked."

* * *

Lily said nothing else, but a dark flush of guilt twisted inside of her. All these months she'd been complaining about how James wouldn't stop asking her out and after awhile Lily saw how insensitive that was to Marlene. It took a little bit to see the discomfort grow on Marlene's face but never in a million years would she have thought it would have affected Dorcas. Dorcas was the strong one. She seemed so above dating and boys and only used them for a specific purpose before moving on to something new. Now it seemed Lily had got it wrong. It wasn't that Dorcas didn't want someone; it was that no one had ever wanted her. Not her father or her stepmother and now no men wanted her either. Of course Dorcas had Marlene and Lily, but it had to hurt that they were all she really had.

Silently Lily tried to think of why no one could see how great Dorcas was. She was smart, vibrant, steadfast and witty in an effortless way Lily always wished she could be. Dorcas wasn't full of freckles, sensitive skin and ridiculous hair. Dorcas had beautiful long brown hair, big dark eyes and a cute little body. Why couldn't anyone else see that? Was it because she could take care of herself? Were people simply put off by her firm sense of self? Or was it simply that the boys their age were too stupid to see her clearly? Either way, Lily felt like Dorcas was being robbed. Of all people Lily had known in her life, Dorcas deserved to be loved the most. She was tough and could handle her own, it wasn't an act at all, but that didn't mean she was never lonely. In fact, it occurred to Lily that since Dorcas didn't really have a family she might be the loneliest of all.

Lily wanted to tell her exactly how perfect Dorcas was. She wanted to show Dorcas how much Lily wanted to be like her and how much better her life was because Dorcas was in it, but she worried it might seem forced or insincere. If there was one thing Dorcas hated it was phoniness and Lily didn't want her to mistake genuine adoration for pity, so instead she thought of a more simple way to word it.

"I know everyone else may not feel this way, but if it makes you feel better I think your pretty great." Lily said in a small voice.

Dorcas tiny hands stopped moving roared with laughter and side hugged Lily. "Thanks Lil."

"I'm just saying."

"Well I appreciate it. Now before this turns into a sad…pathetic …pity party. I suggest that we finish these ginger bread houses and go watch some Christmas movies before your dad and Petunia get back."

Lily nodded in agreement and neither of them said anything until they finished their gumdrop lined neighborhood of edibles. Eventually they both migrated to the couch and climbed under large wool blankets to watch the end of the movie. By the time the next movie began, Dorcas was sound asleep. Lily tucked her in, closed the light and silently watched the tele. For a while she just sat there blankly watching, but at one point she looked over at Dorcas and realized how good she had it. Yes her mother was gone, and her sister wasn't exactly pleasant, but Lily still had a father that loved her and that was more than Dorcas had. So instead of sulking in grief, she focused on the positives and smiled, because one of them was being lucky enough to be friends with Dorcas.

* * *

James waited next to his Christmas tree, hugging his knees with an estatic expression on his face. His thin face was focused on the train he had assembled under the tree, his glasses perched low on his nose as his hazel eyes watched the train wiz by on the track around the tree.

"Tomorrow is Christmas eve!" James declared.

Sirius snorted and dropped down to sit next to him. "Yes, I'm aware Prongs."

"Well it's exciting," He continued, "I love Christmas."

"Yes," Sirius nodded scratching his bare shoulder. "I know."

"Oh come on Padfoot!" James pushed him with a grin. "You know you are excited for eggnog and the Christmas carols and-"

Sirius cut him off with a smirk, "Yes Prongs. It's all delightful."

"What's wrong?" James frowned sadly, his eyes widening. "Is it about your old family?"

"No, but I love how you call them that." He said dryly his grey eyes gazing at all the shiny ornaments on the solid ten-foot tree.

"Then what is it?"

Sirius shrugged. "I'm just not really a holiday person."

"Well what do you want for Christmas?" James asked looking for another angle to get his spirits up.

A thought occurred to Sirius, but he quickly shifted it away. "_Nothing_. I've got everything I need."

"You are missing the entire point of Christmas." James sighed in disappointment. "It's not about getting things you need. You can get things you need any day. It's about getting things you want that will make your life richer."

Sirius snorted loudly, giving James a weary look as he eyed James's handmade reindeer sweater. "I get the materialism of it all."

"Then it's the spirit part that you are missing." James whispered thoughtfully, before bolting up to his feet, a look of hard determination planted on his face. "Tomorrow my dear friend I shall show you the true spirit of Christmas"

Groaning Sirius said, "No, honestly mate I'm good-"

"No," James cut him off adjusting his Christmas tree pajama pants, "I will take care of everything. You get some sleep. You are going to need it!"

"Prongs…Prongs! JAMES!" Sirius called after his best friend as James ran out of the room.

It was no use, James never turned around and Sirius knew that the instant that James got an idea into his head there was no point fighting him on it. So instead of sulking downstairs, Sirius sighed, grabbed a glass of water and headed upstairs hoping in vain that maybe tonight he'd be able to get some sleep.


	28. White Christmas

_May your days be merry and bright_  
_And may all your Christmases_  
_May all your Christmases_

**-Bing Crosby-**

* * *

"All alright," Lily said pulling her father's van up in front of Dorcas's a simple one story house with several blow up Santa Claus's out in the front yard. "Is this it?"

"Yeah, I still can't believe your dad let you drive me." Dorcas breathed buttoning her golden coat up and snatching her luggage from the seat behind her.

Lily grinned, "Well even he admitted it wouldn't make much sense for me to take the test when I'm not legally a muggle anymore."

"True story." Dorcas paused for a beat before hugging Lily tightly, "I'll see you January 3rd."

"Have a nice time with your grandma, and don't get into too much trouble!" Lily shouted as Dorcas hopped out of the car.

Dorcas leaned back into the car with a dubious expression on her olive face. "Lily, we are in Suburbia, all of my grandma's neighbors are in their fifties with grown children….I will probably take up knitting…or some shit like that."

"Knitting isn't that bad." Lily said defensively.

"Well as a knitter you would think that." Dorcas sighed, "I'll see you Lil. Happy Christmas."

Lily smiled, "Happy Christmas Dora."

Waiting patiently for Dorcas to get into the house, Lily mentally prepared herself for the dinner to come. Thankfully most of their extended family was coming for dinner so Lily would try to make herself as small as possible to not draw attention to herself. It was never easy having her family over, they always asked the same questions and over the years they grew more and more annoyed with her answers. She kept reminded herself that it was only one night, and she could put up with her family's crap for a night.

It wasn't that bad after all. Lily just tended to focus on the worst possibility of any given situation and she was a bit overdramatic, but she knew that about herself. She liked to think that if she made the situation the absolute worst then it could only get better from there, and if not then she was already prepared for whatever came her way. As she drove home, she tried to picture what Marlene and Dorcas would do in her situation. Marlene would say nothing and just leave if it got too bad. Dorcas on the other hand would confront everyone and strut out from the wreckage like a complete bad ass. Though she'd like to believe she was patient and strong like Marlene or blunt and resilent like Dorcas, Lily knew better. She was a coward hiding in a Gryffindor sweater and though she was sick of it, there didn't really seem to be a way out of it. If she stood up for herself Petunia would make her look like an arse and turn herself into a helpless victim. Also her father would be disappointed in her if she fought with Petunia with their family there. Sometimes Lily thought that her dad put unrealistic expectations on her. Why was it okay for Petunia to belittle and bully her at every opportunity, but whenever Lily said a word her father gave her a look? What if it really wasn't beneath Lily to fight back?

Easing her breathing, Lily's knuckles became red from her grip on the steering wheel. The snow had piled up over the past two weeks making driving nearly unbearable, but Lily preferred driving in snow. If she was ever late she could blame the weather and she didn't have to rush to get to wherever she was going. It was times like these that Lily liked to reexamine her life and try to figure out what areas of her life needed improvement and find practical ways to improve them. Lately though her life seemed to be at this point where all of the problems in her life stemmed from things that weren't easily fixed.

_1) Her love life was none existent and actually quite pathetic._

Sure Potter hit on her, but at this point she wished he wouldn't. Now that she knew him a bit better she actually wanted him to be happy, Lily just knew she would never be the person to make that happen. So honestly he was just wasting his efforts.

_2) Her sister was the devil._

She couldn't exactly trade her in for a new one; it was kind of a bit late for that. It was horrible, but no matter how badly her sister treated her Lily couldn't bring herself to really hate Petunia.

As she waited for a light signal, the hollow of the moon shined on her white skin, making her green eyes sink wearingly. Every time Petunia was cruel to her she tried with all of her energy to hate her, but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. For a while she convinced herself it was just because Petunia was her sister, but while Lily watched the snow glide down her windshield wipers it occurred to her that it wasn't just that. It was the fact that Lily could remember a time when Petunia didn't just like her, but sincerely loved her. They did everything together and were practically inseparable, but that was gone now and Lily didn't think she'd ever be able to fully let go of that.

Pulling into her driveway, Lily fixed her black Christmas sweater and eyed the other cars in the street. She knew just by a glance who had already arrived and it made her stomach tighten in dread. This would be fine. It was just one night. The next day she would open her presents early and then shut herself in her room away from Petunia. It would be fine and all over her anxiety would be over nothing.

"Okay Lily," Lily told herself, turning off the ignition and slipping the key into her pants pocket, "You've got this."

Lily then tossed her long thick hair over her shoulder, locked the van and charged into the house firmly.

* * *

"Prongs," Sirius yawned in irritation as he glared up at James from his bed. "You said you were going to bed."

"Padfoot, it's 9:30…" James scoffed, "Why would I go to sleep this early?"

Sirius groaned and crushed his face into the cool pillow next to him. "I dunno."

"Well unlike you, I have been getting an appropriate amount of sleep-"

"I doubt 11 hours is an appropriate amount of sleep," Sirius grumbled dryly.

James crossed his arms and squinted through the darkness at Sirius. "The point is, the time has come for you to understand the importance of Christmas."

"Prongs, you had all day to do that shit. Instead of sledding, messing with your fathers desk and bickering with your mother you could have tried to throw this so-called insightful crap on me. You did not, therefore, leave me to sleep in peace." Sirius rubbed his eyes, "I finally fell asleep."

A deep frown settled on James's face as he stared down at his brother. "It doesn't matter because you've been in here for three hours. You have insomnia for a reason and I have the cure."

"Prongs-"

"Sirius," James whispered gently, "Just trust me mate. It will help."

Sirius wouldn't have moved for anyone else. The muscles in his upper back and neck were so stiff they had become solid. His pale grey eyes were streaked with red splotches and his face was half-heartedly shaven.

During the day he had fun with James as he always did. He ate with their parents, they played games and Sirius didn't even notice that anything was wrong, until he tried to go to sleep. It was like his mind shut off when he was with other people. He could snog countless girls and do pretty much anything without any real lagging in behavior. At night, everything he'd repressed came roaring back and took over his mind. Like how his little brother was sleeping in their house being brainwashed to become a murder. Mostly though, it was just about Marlene.

No matter how hard he tried he couldn't seem to get her out of his head. It was ridiculous and stupid. He had pushed her away and even went as far to make her not even want to be friends with him. Why did she still haunt him?

At the end of the day it didn't matter, because the one person he told everything was the one person he couldn't take about it with. James would never understand how Sirius felt about Marlene. Marlene was his little sister for all intent and purposes, and though Sirius and James's bond was as thick as it had ever been Sirius didn't know if their friendship could survive that.

Still Sirius got up and followed James outside of the room. "What are we doing?"

James took out a pouch, with a smile on his face. "Have you ever heard of the muggle movie A Christmas Story?"

"No."

"Well I've noticed you've been down lately, and since you refuse to acknowledge whatever it is that is wrong with you. I've decided to show you something."

Sirius leaned against the wall with a frown, "Are we going outside? Because I'll have to grab shirt…and shoes."

"Nope," James reached into the pouch, grabbed a handful of golden powder and chucked it in Sirius's face.

Sirius coughed and choked, bending his face into his arm. "What the bloody…hell!"

* * *

When Sirius shifted upward to growl at James he found that he was no longer in the second landing in the Potter household, he was standing in a field of grass and it was springtime. He could tell by all the blossoming flowers and the warm breeze that carried throughout the glen. Sirius sighed and pushed his dark bangs out of his face.

"What the hell?!"

"Hello," The other Sirius grinned at him handsomely, "You look a bit peevish."

"I….I'm dreaming aren't I?"

His twin shook his head, with a twinkle in his eye. "You are in a dreamlike state, but you are not technically dreaming."

"But what…What did James do?" Sirius questioned furiously taking in his light, pleasant surroundings.

"I'm your subconscious," He replied merrily, hugging his long legs. "And James thinks it's about time we had a chat."

* * *

Lily was near the end of her rope. For six hours she endured her family and tried to stay glued to her father, knowing he'd prevent anyone from offending her at least directly, but thankfully in a few minutes her extended family would leave. The hours of underhanded jabs and tense had left Lily worn and exhausted. As soon as everyone left, she would help her father clean up and go straight to her room. At this point, she was just full of rage at the ignorant racist people she was related to. Yes, she was weird and she couldn't exactly explain to her muggle relatives that she went to a school of witchcraft, but that didn't mean her view on muggle politics were irrelevant. The only reason they thought that was because Lily didn't agree with their ridiculous notions on what the government should or should not sanction in terms of human rights.

Just as Lily was about to eat her feelings and consume the entire plate of Christmas tree coded sugar cookies, she saw her Aunt Thelma stand with her wine glass raised. Immediately, Lily stuffed three cookies in her mouth in an attempt to compensate for whatever bigoted horrible thing her Aunt was about to say. Her thick, fingers choked the glass as she opened her large mouth to speak. Lily wanted throw herself off of something desperately. Instead she focused on the delicious sugar that was trickling down her throat.

"I just want to say how proud I am of Petunia."

Lily cringed when she saw Petunia pretend to be humble and blush at her Aunt's words.

"You are exactly like your mother, and our family is so lucky she had a daughter."

Lily gasped, as rage began to build in her chest. Her eyes watered in pain, but she clamped her mouth shut and forcibly looked in the other direction as she tried to swallow the cookie remains and her Aunt's bitter implication. Maybe they just wanted to appreciate Petunia, maybe it didn't have anything to do with Lily, maybe she was just overreacting. Her throat constricted and she curled her arms around her stomach to keep herself calm.

"Honestly we all know she should have stopped after child one," She tried to joke, though her true feelings came through quite clearly.

Her body started shaking and tears started flowing down her cheeks before she could stop herself. "What?!"

"Oh I'm just teasing Lily," Her Aunt waved her off, rolling her eyes at the rest of her relatives, "Don't be overdramatic."

"Overdramatic?...OVERDRAMATIC?!" Lily screamed furiously.

Her breathing became erratic and she was far too livid to notice that everything in the room started quivering slightly.

"You just implied my mother shouldn't have had me!" Lily shouted.

"It's not like she's wrong," Petunia laughed coldly.

Taking a beat, Lily felt the dark stab slice through her before she shifted to face her sister. "Are-you trying to say... I shouldn't have even been born?"

Petunia was a little stunned to see her sister so uncontrolled, but she had already said too much to stop now. So she adjusted her sundress, and sat up pristinely in her chair. "You are, you freak."

That was the minute Lily relented all control. She no longer cared that she was in her small living room, surrounded by people. She no longer cared that she didn't have her wand and that she wasn't legally allowed to do magic outside of Hogwarts. In seconds her eyes went from locking on Petunia's boney, horse like face to staring at a bulging blimp that was shrieking in fear as she bobbed towards the ceiling.

Lily ran up the stairs, threw her things into her suitcase, not knowing or caring whether she grabbed everything she needed. Then she stormed downstairs and ran right into her father. His face was stern looking down at hers, in the distance Lily heard her sister screaming bloody murder as their relatives stampeded out of the house as quickly as possible.

"Dad, I'm going to Marlene's for a couple of days. I will send an owl. I'm sorry-"

Her father kissed her on the forehead and moved out of her way as if it were the simplest thing in the world. "Love you dear."

Lily gave him a double take, but didn't give it enough time to settle in her mind. She needed to leave, if she gave his actions any thought it might sway her to stay. It might give her time to feel guilty. Right now she was running on adrenaline on rage, if she lost that then she'd lose the courage to leave. So Lily moved to leave just as her letter from the Ministry arrived. She let the words of warning echo in the air. Then she pocketed the letter and charged out of the house without looking back.

She just yelled the, "THE FREAK IS LEAVING," and slammed the door behind her. Leaving the front door shaking in her wake.

* * *

Sirius had been with…well himself for nearly an hour and he could feel himself begin to relax. They had talked about what was bothering him extensively and now it was time to decide what Sirius was going to do about it.

"If you wont let us be with her at least tell her how you feel so I don't have to deal with it." His subconscious scoffed, "It's exhausting mate."

"How am I supposed to do that?"

"For one, you could stop pushing everyone way all the time. You've even started doing that with our best friend."

Sirius licked his lips with a sigh. "Fine…I'll try."

"If you don't you won't be able to dream." He replied flatly, leaning back on his arms. "So you should try to mean it…Also, don't be a prick when you wake up."

Sirius threw his hands up. "You are supposed to be on MY team!"

"I am, and sometimes we need to be told off."

"But we are good looking," Sirius argued with a smirk.

"That we are."

Sirius was about to laugh, when he began to feel the hardwood floor beneath his back and the cold winter hair grazing his face. His eyes snapped open, his chest rising and falling much too quickly for his liking. James's face hovered above his own, his glasses gliding down his long nose dangerously.

"Hey champ." James pulled him up to his feet. "Did you work it out."

Sirius frowned thoughtfully, scratching his chin and looking at where he had just laid. "Kind of…"

"Well I wanted to originally take you through your life and show you how many lives you changed, which would have been beautiful, but I couldn't find the right powder in my father's supply. SO I settled for letting you talk to your subconscious, which isn't as grand or as majestic as I wanted it to be, but oh well! It's more important that you work out your issues." James clapped his hands together as he led Sirius to the stairs. "Now you shall get into the Christmas spirit!"

"But what _was_ that stuff?"

"Just a sleeping powder mixed with some other…stuff." James replied flippantly.

Sirius said, "Very reassuring."

He was about to ask more when they reached the main floor, and all questions faded from his mind. Sirius roared with laughter, his whole face lightening up as he saw the strands of Christmas decorations that James must have spent a lot of time on. The whole room was laced with twinkling lights, crimson, green and Santa artifacts. It was almost screaming with enthusiasm and happiness.

James grabbed his arm and pulled him the kitchen were there was a wide variety of Christmas foods. "Now if you want a Christmas cookie, or a Christmas cupcake, or a Christmas hot chocolate this would be the place to go."

"A Christmas hot chocolate?"

"It has red and green sprinkles in it and look what it spells out!"

Sirius took the large mug and snorted as he read, "Happy Christmas…"

"How'd I do?" James grinned happily gesturing to the room.

Sirius paused and then smiled at James. "You did good mate. You did good."


	29. Tongue Tied

_One, two, three, four_  
_Don't leave me tongue tied_  
_Let's stay up all night_

**-GroupLove-**

* * *

"MARY!" Marlene yelled across her house, "COME HERE!"

"Honestly," Lily huffed, "I don't have to go."

"Uh uh uh!" Marlene said waving her finger at Lily with a smirk. "You said you couldn't come with me because all of my dresses were too long on you, but my sister is the exact same height as you. So shut up and get on board."

Lily sighed and moved to stop Marlene, but it was useless. She should have known when she woke up this morning that Marlene wouldn't give her a choice on whether or not to go to James Potter's Christmas party. It was simple in Marlene's mind, Lily had come over to her house, she had literally chosen to this fate. No matter how many times Lily tried to convince Marlene that she could just sit quietly in Marlene's room and read a book, nothing worked. For the past half hour Marlene tried to see what dresses would work best on the pair of them. Marlene's dress was already laid out on her bed, it was white and cut off at her neck, flowing out at her shoulders and extending down to just above her knee.

Blowing a raspberry, Lily flicked her hair out of her face and glanced around Marlene's room. It was smaller than Lily would have thought it would have been. Every time she heard of pureblood families she also heard of their overwhelming wealth and prestige. Marlene's house was quite large, but did have to fit eight people so in relation it was actually small. Marlene said they used to live in a bigger house down the street from Sirius when she was little, three years ago they moved into this house and it worked for them. They were a tight knit family and they needed

"Isn't there a color requirement?!" Lily called to Marlene hopefully, "Because I doubt-"

Marlene rushed back in, her eyes wide and a large smirk on her face. "I found you the BEST dress!"

"Mar-" Lily attempted, but failed.

"Listen to me Ms. Evans," Marlene began in a motherly tone, placing her hands on her hips. "Did I complain when you arrived last night? No, I did not. Why? (1) Because I get to spend Christmas with you and (2) Because I get to go with you to this Christmas party."

Lily sighed and gave Marlene a pleading look, "Mar, I really don't want to go. My hair's a mess-"

"Your hair is always a mess," Dorcas chimed in with a smirk, already in a skin tight backless black dress.

Lily said, "But…Dora you're supposed to be at your grandma's!"

"She passed out an hour ago in her chair," Dorcas checked her watch, "Which means I have nine hours before she wakes up and realizes I'm gone."

"You've abandoned your grandmother on Christmas Day?" Lily asked disapprovingly.

"She's unconscious, she won't know the difference and I can't have you two spending Christmas together without me."

Marlene rolled her eyes with a smile, "I'm assuming that's what you are wearing."

"Of course, black is my signature formal dress color." Dorcas declared, clicking her tall heels together.

"What do you think for this on Lily?" Marlene asked holding up a swoop neck violet dress to Lily's torso.

Lily laughed wildly, throwing her arms up. "I love how I get no say in this! Is this another clause in our friendship contract that I skipped over?"

"Yep," Marlene retorted, her eyes locked on Dorcas, "What do you think?"

Dorcas moved in front of Lily, "I will do her hair."

Lily let out an overdramatic sigh. "It's like I'm invisible!"

"Come on Lil, if you were invisible, who would we dress?" Marlene asked her with a smirk as she handed Dorcas some hair products.

"Bloody ridiculous!" Lily scoffed, but she gave in regardless.

* * *

"Mum," James sighed rubbing his temples, the tie of his dress robe untied and loose around his neck, "I know the rules."

Eleanor Potter stared up at her son sternly. "James Harold Potter. You are my only child and my legal responsibility. If something goes wrong it may look badly on you, but your father and I will have to bare the consequences."

"I know."

"So if anyone drinks too much, gets pregnant-"

James groaned clutching his face in his hands. "Merlin!"

"I'm serious James. Your father and I will stay in the left wing and not come down, but if I even SUSPECT that someone is getting inseminated-"

"NO! NO NO NO NO!" James yelled pressing his hands to his ears. "NO NO NOOOOO!"

Sirius walked over with an untucked, unbuttoned white dress shirt and some plain dress pants. He eyed James and Mrs. Potter with curiosity. "What's going on?"

"I'm telling your brother about the fact that we are liable if anything happens tonight."

Snorting Sirius crossed his arms, "We are more than aware of that mum."

"I should be lecturing you more than James," Evelyn rounded on Sirius, her tiny little hand pointing at him from behind her olive bathrobe, "Sirius if you take advantage-"

"I've never taken advantage of a girl in my life. My relations have always been perfectly mutual." Sirius reassured her.

"It better be." She narrowed her eyes at the two of them, slowly slinking upstairs. "You better be."

"I noticed that you said relations instead of relationships," James smirked lowering his hands from his ears and stepping next to Sirius.

Sirius shrugged shoving his hands in his pockets, he lowered his voice. "So did you get the firewiskey?"

"Everything is all set." James nodded, "Decorations, booze, food, all good to go."

"Good."

James slung his arm over Sirius's shoulder. "So are you planning to shag tonight? Vance? Meadowes?"

"Vance perhaps, but I have no interest in Meadowes. Maybe I'll try Bones…She's gotten quite fit this year."

James moved to the bathroom to straighten up his tie. "If I'm not mistaken I believe she's shagging Prewett."

"Alice?" Sirius asked, "I thought she was engaged…"

"No Fabian, you wanker." James laughed fixing his collar and adjusted his glasses not bothering with his wayward hair in the slightest. "Are you going to do something with yourself?"

Sirius raised his eyebrows and leaned against the doorway with a weary smirk. "Mate, I could show up to this party nude and I'd still be doing more than everyone else."

"And Evans says I'm arrogant." James chuckled breezing past him.

* * *

At 8:30 the party was in full swing. James, Remus and Peter, along with 20 other Hogwarts students were playing a roaring alcoholic version of exploding snap. Alice sat in the corner with Frank in a cute strapless sparkly gold dress giggling at the comments he was making under his breath. Sirius on the other hand was standing at the edge of the room watching everyone else, with a bored look on his face. He could join the boys, but he'd already played the game and he was looking for something new to do. His eyes scanned the room for a girl to have a quick snog with. After a while he came to the conclusion that unless he had several more shots not a single girl fit the bill.

"What are you doing?" a familiar voice questioned from behind him.

Sirius turned, with furrowed eyebrows. "Hey Lil. What are you doing here?...You look…wow. You don't clean up awful."

Lily smiled shyly and gestured down to her violet dress. "Well Mar and Dora didn't really give me a choice."

"Well you're just in time." He informed her leaning on her shoulder and gesturing around. "As soon as this game most people are moving into the ballroom."

Her eyes widened, her jaw dropping. "They have a …ballroom?"

"Lily, James is loa-ded. The sooner you accept that the sooner you will be comfortable with being his wife."

"Sirius," Lily began sharply, "I'm not marrying James."

"Yeah, see that's a lie, but if you need to hold onto that I'm not going to fault you for it. It probably takes a lot of energy to be in love with someone so great and you know, I get if you don't have time for that."

"Sirius, I'm not in love with him."

"Yet," Sirius smirked. "Yet, my dear."

While Dorcas flirted with a Ravenclaw in a darkened mistletoe covered corner, Marlene moved into the kitchen to get some water when she saw Mrs. Potter at the top of the stairs in her bathrobe.

"PSST!" Mrs. Potter whispered tugging on Marlene's arm.

"Hi E-" Marlene began but stopped as the older woman yanked her back, "OooH!

"Alright," Mrs. Potter giggled, linking arms with Marlene excitedly. "Which one is Lily?"

Marlene laughed, "Why-"

"Just tell me and I'll go upstairs. I just need to know what she looks like."

"The small redheaded girl, talking to Sirius." Marlene pointed.

"Ooh, she is pretty!" She cooed enthusiastically.

"Mum!" James growled, storming over from the living room, "You said you'd stay upstairs!"

"Yes well, it is my house," She pushed him out of her eyeline so she could eye Lily for a few more seconds. "Are you going to ask Lily to dance Jay?"

James glowered at Marlene. "What are you doing?"

"You did not answer your mother!" Marlene laughed projecting the question with her hands in the air.

He shifted his waiting nervously, ruffling his hair. "I dunno."

"I think you should," Mrs. Potter grinned with Marlene.

"You two are ridiculous." James walked off with a scoff.

Marlene hugged Mrs. Potter tightly. "I wish you would just come down fully!"

"No! I did promise him I'd stay up stairs unless I was needed, I think I'll wait till next year to purposefully embarrass him." She smiled warmly. "But you look beautiful Marlene."

"Thank you!"

"Go enjoy yourself….and tell Sirius I said not to dance with slutty tramps."

Marlene let out a dry chuckle. "I don't think I have that kind of power, but I'll tell him you said it."

"Please do!" She called walking back up to her room.

James gave Marlene a dirty look when she slid into the space next to him in the crowded kitchen. "What are you telling my mother?"

"That you lovvvvvve Lily." She said in a singsong voice, hiking herself up on the countertop. "Oh come try and tell me you aren't holding yourself back from going over there and talking to her."

James blushed and hung his head with a smile. "I'm surprised she came to be honest."

"Why? You guys are kind of friends now right?"

"Yeah," He lowered his voice, "But that surprised me too, she's always hated me."

"James you're kind of hard to hate."

James smiled and wrapped his arms around her stomach. "I'm so glad you're okay Mar."

"Aw baby James," She said wrapping her arms around his shoulders as she rested her head on his head. "I'm not going anywhere."

"We were all scared." He told her, his grip tightened as his voice became thick.

She grimaced and locked her arms around him. "I wouldn't ever leave you guys."

"I know, we won't let you."

"Mar," Remus said standing with Lily, "we need you come with us."

Marlene gave James a look and hopped off the counter. "Sure…this doesn't sound suspicious at all…"

Remus and Lily shared a look. Remus walked Marlene upstairs, and Lily walked off and sneakily ushered Sirius upstairs. James furrowed his eyebrows as he watched the whole scene unfold. He had no idea what they were up to and instead of worrying about it he circled around the room like a good host.

* * *

"LILY! EVANS!" Marlene screamed furiously pounding her fists on the guest bedroom door. "YOU OPEN THIS DOOR!"

"What?!" Lily asked feigning obliviousness as she and Remus leaned all of their weight against the door.

Sirius's voice was livid, "Moony, open the damn door."

"What?!" Lily asked putting all of her energy into keeping the door shut. "Are you guys talking it out? IS THAT TALKING ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS I HEAR?"

"Remus-" Marlene pleaded.

Remus shook his head with a smile. "I'm on Lily's team about this."

"You are supporting imprisoning innocent people!"

"What is going on here?" Mrs. Potter asked sternly.

Lily blushed uncomfortably, her forehead laced with sweat. "Um…Hi Mrs. Potter."

"Who are you?"

"I'm Lily um…Evans." Lily said timidly offering her hand to Mrs. Potter without moving her body off the door.

She smiled, "Nice to meet you. Now Remus, what are you doing?"

"Marlene and Sirius are fighting, so we shut them in a room together so they will talk to each other." Remus said flatly.

Mrs. Potter paused for a split second examining them, the situation and her life. She then shrugged and took her wand out of her pocket. "Well then let's just actually lock the door so you two can get back to the party."

Lily looked pleasantly shocked as she awkwardly moved out of the way. "Um…thank you Mrs. Potter."

She winked at Lily and she lowered her voice so Marlene and Sirius couldn't hear. "I'll come back and unlock the door in two hours."

"Mum!" Sirius called, "Let us out!"

"Sorry dear, I have to get to bed!" Mrs. Potter said in a sympathetic voice through the door. "You have a good night and remember what I said Sirius!"

Mrs. Potter then gave them a smile and sauntered away as Marlene and Sirius pounded on the door screaming for help.

"She's so cool." Lily breathed in awe.

Remus nodded and offered her his arm. "Want to head back to the party Ms. Evans?"

Over Sirius's and Marlene's screaming she grinned and took his arm. "Yes I do."

* * *

**Look for me on tumblr! I'm siriusuntiltheveryend**


	30. Give Me Love

_Give me love like never before,_

'Cause lately I've been craving more.

And it's been a while but i still feel the same,

**-Ed Sheeran-**

* * *

Marlene sat on the edge of the bed of one of the many Potter guest room's sulking. She wanted to be downstairs, dancing, playing games and having fun. It seemed completely horrible that she had spent the time perfecting her hair to being silky and smooth for no one to see it. It didn't make it better that sitting on the floor was the one person she truly didn't want to spend any time with.

"How long have we been in here?" Sirius whined from the floor.

"I don't know," She snapped sharply, leaning on her knees, "Does it _look_ like I would wear a watch with this?"

"I don't know what girls do." He replied with a shrugged.

Marlene scoffed, scowling to herself.

"What's your problem?" He questioned darkly.

She shot him a dirty look, "Are you kidding me right now? You're the one who had been deliberately treating me like crap."

"I don't know what-"

"What do you want from me Sirius?" Marlene said her voice thinning and her face tightening. "You say we were never friends. You can fuck yourself."

"You don't understand…" Sirius said, shifting away from her, not having the courage to look at her face.

Marlene had tried her very best to be understanding when it came to Sirius. She knew what family he came from, but this was the last straw. How could he say she of all people didn't understand?

"I don't understand?" She asked in a hollow voice as she rushed to her feet, and moved to stand over him. "I don't understand?!"

"McKinnon…_don't."_ He said raising his hands wearingly.

"DON'T WHAT?" She roared, her face shaking with tears, forcing her mascara to run down her face. "Don't have feelings that contradict yours?! I apologize if we getting kidnapped hindered your life in anyway, but GET-THE-FUCK-OVER-IT! You don't have to be friends with me! I get that you hate me!" Marlene snarled less than a foot away from him.

"McKinnon-" He began rising to his feet, his face growing red with anger.

"But know that you lost a good friend for no good reason! And it's en-tirely your fault!"

"Don't you think I know that?!" He yelled back, his eyes searing into hers. "Don't you think I know?!"

Marlene paused, her face lips trembling as her jaw stayed firm. "Then…why do you hate me? Why don't you tell me what I supposedly did?! Come on! We're going to be in here all night, knowing Lily, so you might as well just tell me what I did that made you so angry you became like this!"

"You didn't do anything! Okay?! You didn't do anything!"

"Then why-"

"BECAUSE I HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU OKAY?! DOES THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY-"

Marlene blinked, taking a step back. Her breaths became uneven and unsteady. "Wait…WHAT?"

"You heard me," He snapped stubbornly plopping down on the bed. "I'm not repeating myself."

"I don't understand." Marlene said in a frazzled tone, "You've been mean to me because you …_what_?!"

"Is it impossible for you to imagine me having feelings for someone? Is it so hard to grasp that I would fancy someone?"

"No," She said in a quiet voice, falling back against the empty dresser. Her eyes stared off into the distance. "I just never would have thought you would fancy me."

Sirius paused glancing over at her critically. "Why is your dress so high up? It's almost a turtleneck dress."

"Because I don't want anyone to see my scar." Marlene admitted softly, holding herself tightly, not daring to look at him.

"That's the bloody stupidest thing I've ever heard." He spat.

"What it's ridiculous that I don't want anyone point and mocking me for it? It's ridiculous that I don't wear my past on my sleeve like you do?"

Sirius glanced at her face and stood up again. This time he saw the doubt, and fear in her eyes. She was one of the strongest people he knew, but she was terrified of someone reminding her that of the one time in her life she wasn't. The thing was, that wasn't what he meant. Even now as her blond hair cascaded down the front of her bright white dress, she had no idea.

"You are always the most beautiful girl in the room with or without the scar," He scoffed bluntly; angry that he even had to explain that.

Marlene tear-filled eyes shifted up in a flash and she moved to shove him back violently. "What's WRONG with you?"

"What?! What did I do now?!" He fired back.

"_You_," She began furiously, her face streaming with tears, "can't say shit like that to me! You are supposed to sleazily hit on me or tease me. You are not suppose to call me …be…beautiful!"

"Why not?" He asked softly.

"Be…because…you aren't supposed to feel that way about me. You don't feel that way about anyone…" Marlene stammered, her hands clamping onto the front of her robes.

Sirius hesitated for a fraction of a second. This was foreign to him, but yet his body knew what to do. His thumb gently swiped the tears off of her cheeks and brushed her long golden hair out of her face.

"I know I'm not." He laughed, his breath tickling her throat as he stooped down, tracing the sides of her face subconsciously.

"Then," She gasped, trembling at his touch. "What are you doing?"

His face lowered towards hers, "I honestly don't know."

This was always the easy part; it had always been so simple. He snogged the girl senseless, maybe he'd take it a bit farther and then he'd walk away without a hitch of wanting anything more. But as he held Marlene's face between his palms he knew he'd never be able to truly walk away from her. It was a stupid, ridiculous notion, but looking at her now he was unable to deny it any longer.

In that moment he didn't think about whether she would run or return his feelings. All he thought about was how much he wanted to kiss her, just once. He thought about what she could be feeling and what her reaction to him doing so would be, but no matter what his thoughts were it didn't matter, because he did it anyway. He didn't kiss her gently as he ought to have. Marlene McKinnon was the type of girl that should have been kissed sweetly and tenderly by someone considerate and gentle, but Sirius wasn't that guy so he didn't kiss her like that.

Instead, in one quick movement, he seized her by the back of the waist and pressed his lips to hers. It wasn't soft, it wasn't sweet. It was clearly motivated by an urgent immediate need to have her as close to him as humanly possible, but she didn't fight him. Her lips sunk into his and she groaned into his lips, digging her fingers into his shoulders. Quickly knocked him back against the wall, their kiss deepening as his hands gripped her lower waist possessively. Her mouth opened ever so slightly, and his tongue took advantage of it instantly. The contact made Marlene's pale skin flush, her whole body trapping his against the wall.

Pulling away roughly, he gulped, his eyes scanning her face with a smile, "This is a horrible idea."

"Shut up and unzip your pants," Marlene scoffed hiking up her dress.

"Aren't you going to-?" He began gesturing to her outfit.

She scoffed dismissively, "You aren't getting my dress off."

"But we're about to…" Sirius stopped, shook his head with a laugh and did as instructed, "Okay."

Sirius's eyes stayed locked on hers as he back her up against the wall and slipped her knickers off. "Are you… absolutely sure?" He breathed hotly, his eyes never wavering.

"Yes," She said cupping his face, her eyes filling with lust. "I'm sure."

He pressed his lips to her arched neck, his fingers gripping hungrily at her thighs. "Good."

"You know anyone could come through the door," Marlene panted nervously as he left a scorched trail along her throat.

"Let them." He growled his hands hiking her up to his waist.

She moaned into his shoulder, her fingers clawing into his dress shirt. "Sirius…"

"You better hang on," He told her, "Because I've just gotten started."

* * *

Marlene laughed as she chimed her cotton underwear back in place. He buttoned the top of his shirt with an impish smirk. "What are you laughing at?"

"A week ago, I was making fun of someone, and my major insult was saying she shagged you." Marlene grimaced.

He snorted, sauntering over to her. "I'm glad you've seen the error of your ways."

"Um, _you're welcome._ Without me, you wouldn't have been able to keep me up for that long. So you're likely I'm your personal trainer." She countered giving him a look.

"I'll let you have that one." He eyed the door, scrunching up his face. "You reckon it's open by now?"

She shrugged, "One way to find out."

Sirius strutted over to the door, turned the knob and opened the door. "We're golden."

"Okay," Marlene breathed. "How do I look? You didn't leave any hickey's did you?"

He rolled his eyes and took her hand. "You're fine."

Marlene's light eyebrows lifted in perfection shock, a small smile grew on her face as she looked down at their joined hands. The heat from his large crooked fingers spread to her slender long ones and as soon as Sirius saw where her gaze was he impulsively tightened his grasp on her interlocked fingers.

"I didn't take you as the hand holding type." She said, trying to control her voice to stay casual.

"I'm not," He shrugged a soft expression growing on his face.

Marlene paused and she turned to fully face him. "Look, you don't have to do this. I know that-"

He swooped down, tugged her close to him and kissed her briskly stripping away the rest of her words. He released her, fixing her uneven hair and grinning down at her. "McKinnon, stop right there alright? Why don't we just take this slow and not jump to anything?"

"Okay." She nodded with an anxious smile, "Okay."

"Let's go get back downstairs." He said with a wink.

Marlene frowned, "You can hold my hand, and we can keep this quiet, but don't wink at me you scheaze."

"Yes mam."

* * *

Remus moved to stand next to James in the ballroom. "And why, great host aren't you dancing?"

James eyed the couples swinging around them. "Have you seen Sirius?"

"Lily locked him upstairs with Marlene so they would stop fighting." Remus replied. "But you did not answer my question."

"I haven't found the right partner." James answered squarely.

"If you are referring to Lily," Marlene said walking up to them with a bright smile. "She's on her way."

Remus looked at Marlene suspiciously. "So everything worked out then?"

"Yep." Marlene said evasively, not looking at him for too long. "Everybody's friends again. Though I don't appreciate you tag teaming me with Lily, Remus."

Remus gave her an innocent look. "I was thrown in the bandwagon. I didn't get in willingly."

"Well," She began putting her hand on her hips, "You should go ask that pretty Hufflepuff over there to dance."

He whined, scrunching his face up. "Must you always push me with a woman?"

"Would you rather I push you with a man?" She questioned with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm going now." Remus retorted blankly, going over to the blond Marlene had pointed out.

"Come on McKinnon," Sirius sighed theatrically, snatching her hand and spinning her onto the dance floor. "Let's show them how it's done!"

She giggled at him despite herself. "You're a blimey idiot Black."

James snorted at the pair of them as they danced. He knew they weren't dating, but they might as well have been. It was getting around that time of the year when everyone coupled off and James would rather they date for three months and break up in the march break up season than prolong the inevitable. Normally James wasn't such a pessimist when it came to relationships, but he knew Sirius and he didn't want him to hurt Marlene. She'd already been through so much and the last thing she needed was to actually get involved with Sirius.

So caught up with his thoughts, he didn't notice Lily sneak across the room to stand next to him.

"What are you thinking about?"

He jumped and let out a small chuckle when he saw a small amused smile playing on her lips. "Uh…Just worrying about Marlene."

"She looks happy to me." Lily said watching Marlene laugh at something Sirius said.

"Yeah…but Sirius makes me nervous. I was fine with them being friends..."

She eyed him, "But now you're having second thoughts?"

"Not so much second thoughts. More I don't want another one of my friends to break her heart." He replied softly.

"Which is reasonable, but you're missing something." Lily informed him promptly.

He crossed his arms, "And what, may I ask Ms. Evans am I missing?"

"The way he's looking at her."

James scoffed darkly, "What, _lustfully_?"

"There's some of that too, but if you look long enough you can see it's growing into something else too."

Not wanting to discuss even the possibility of that, James turned and asked, "Do you want to dance with me Evans?"

Lily flushed a deep red, her side swept bangs falling her face.

"Come on Evans," He smirked offer her his arm, "Take a chance."

Lily looked at him hesitantly, even she had to admit he looked rather dashing in his dress robes, especially with the adorable grin that was building on his face. In her head she weighed the pros and cons, but eventually decided that one dance wouldn't kill her. If he got out of hand she could always away and pretend to have promised a dance to someone else.

"Fine." She said curtly.

"I warn you though-"

"Oh god," Lily grimaced, as he took her arm and moved to the center of the elegant gold lined dance floor. "Is this the one thing you're bad at?"

"No," He smirked, his eyes twinkling with delight as he wrapped one of his hands around the small of her back and used the other to cup her hand. "I'm flawless."

* * *

Lily tried not to laugh, but failed easily and for once she didn't really mind. It felt good to laugh at his jokes, and to just be near him. She was glad they were back to the way it used to be, but also that now she was able to find the amusement in it all. What she didn't expect though were the little things that started happening every time he was around. Things that spurred emotions out of her that she didn't like and really didn't understand. She couldn't even think of valid example with his strong hand resting on her waist, and his hazel eyes peering down at her, but she knew they existed.

Why did he have to look at her like that? Like she was the only person in the room that he wanted to see…It made her feel…_flustered_. Whatever it wasn't she didn't like it. Not one little bit! She wasn't supposed to feel this way towards James Potter. This wasn't absolutely not right. When the hell did this happen anyway? There was a long stretch of time where she felt nothing, but distain for him. Where had that gone? She had to put a stop to this immediately. After this dance she would make it crystal clear that though she realized he wasn't pure evil she just didn't have those feelings for him and that he should seek his interest elsewhere. Yes, that was what she would do and it would put a stop to all of this nonsense.

"James?" She said biting the side of her lip.

His whole face brightened at the sound of her saying his name. "Yes Lily?"

"I…I don't want to you lead you on. I just want to be friends with you."

He didn't even miss a beat. "You aren't leading me on, I just have to find a way to persuade you into seeing things my way."

She blinked. He wasn't supposed to say that. He was supposed to be disappointed, but understand it was for the best. "Wait…what?"

"I've told you a million times Evans," He grinned down at her. "I'm not the giving up type."

"Why? I don't understand why it's so important to you."

"Because I can see something you can't."

She laughed and met his gaze. "And what is that?"

"The way you smiled when I just said your first name." He informed her cockily. "It may be small, and it could go away, but until there's no shred of hope left I'm not walking away."

"You're hopeless Potter," She scoffed trying to look away from him, but failing miserably.

"No, I just know what I want." He declared as the dance ended.

"How can you possibly be so sure about that?" Lily asked staying in his arms for the next song without thinking about it. "So hypothetically, you get me, we're dating. Then what? You have no idea what I'm like everyday."

James carefully brushed a tendril of her curly hair behind her ear. "But I'm more than willing to find out."

Lily looked at him to see if he was joking. She found that he was usually teasing, but what she found scared her to the core. His face was fixed in the most serious expression; his eyes stayed on her hers unwavering. Her grip on him had been light and very weak, but the longer they dance the more her body involuntarily held onto his.

"There's something wrong with you!" She exclaimed looking away from him, though his gaze never wavered from her.

"Yes," He said spinning her out and back into his arms without breaking a sweat. He lowered his voice and said, "But I think that's precisely what you like about me."

Lily's mouth opened to refute that statement. James was always significantly taller than her so she never had to worry about their faces being close, but Dorcas had given Lily a pair of her heels. So when Lily looked up and saw his face looming towards hers. For a second she forgot herself. They were still swaying, but only just. A few feet above their heads where James and Sirius had hung crimson and olive streamers a small patch of mistletoe emerged.

"I'm not going to kiss you," He told her licking his bottom lip, his eyes lingering on her eyes after flickering down to her lips for a brief second.

"Oh?" Lily questioned trying to keep her response light and unbothered.

He shook his head, any hint of teasing gone. "Because when you kiss me, I want it to be purely because you want to and not because of anything else. I want you to be ready for it when it happens, not for it to be by accident or by chance."

Caught of guard, Lily felt his thumb rub her hand gently and heard her own breathing accelerate. "And you expect that to happen?"

"Not now, but eventually you will." James stated, his belief firm.

"How can you be so sure?" Lily laughed humorously as couples danced around them.

"Because I have faith," He whispered as the song ended. James released her, took her head, bent down and kissed it like Lily had always seen men do in old movies. "If I haven't said it, you look lovely Lily."

Lily blushed, her whole face warming. "Thank you."

"I must go get back to my hosting duties, but you enjoy yourself." James said with a bright grin.

* * *

After taking a second, Lily shook her head and looked for someone she knew. Luckily Dorcas was nursing a drink at the edge of the dance floor.

"So," Dorcas wondered aloud, "You still hate him?"

"Yes, of course," Lily lied easily, but not well.

Dorcas snorted taking a sip of her drink. "Well if it's any constellation, you two looked cute together."

Lily groaned, covering her face with her hands. "That's the _last_ thing I want to hear."

"What? I'm sure he's excellent in bed being a Quidditch player and all."

"Is there a correlation?" Lily laughed lightly, leading Dorcas to sit at one of the empty tables.

Dorcas scoffed, tugging down her dress. "Fuck if I know. I hate riding a broom, it really messes up my hair."

"I wouldn't know." Lily admitted, "I've never really ridden a broom."

"Well someday Lily, you will."

"Where have you been all night?" Lily questioned furrowing her eyebrows.

Dorcas smirked, her small white teeth gleaming, "Trying out Hufflepuff's new beater."

"I think I just threw up a little bit." Lily said while making a gagging motion.

"Poor choice of words?"

"You should dance with Remus, he looks lonely."

"Lily," Dorcas began in a knowing voice, "he won't want to dance with me. He doesn't like me."

Lily gave her a look. "I doubt he'd say_ that._ Why do you think that?"

"Because," Dorcas began with a stiff face, "He's all…proper and I'm...not."

Lily gave her a puppy dog expression that she had come to learn from Sirius, "Come on, pleasssse."

Dorcas sighed and pushed herself up from the table, "The things I do for you Lily Evans! You watch my drink then."

"Deal."

Lily watched Dorcas strut away, her tiny back wiggling in her backless black dress perfectly. For a second Lily thought maybe Dorcas was right and that Remus was going to decline her invitation to dance, but he proved her wrong. His expression did look surprised at the question, but he simply shrugged and walked with her onto the dance floor.

"Is Dorcas dancing with Remus?" Marlene questioned dropping into the seat next to Lily.

She glanced at Marlene's face nervously. "You're okay with that right?"

"I actually think it's rather cute." Marlene admitted with an exhausted sigh.

"Where's your dance partner?"

Marlene flicked her hair out of her face with a smile, "James took him. I think they are going to start the fireworks."

"There's fireworks?" Lily breathed in awe.

Laughing, Marlene wrapped her arm around Lily's small shoulders. "Lily my dear, welcome to a James Potter party."


	31. Kiss Me

_Your heart's against my chest _  
_Lips pressed to my neck _  
_I've fallen for your eyes _  
_But they don't know me yet_

**-Ed Sheeran-**

* * *

"Lily?" Dorcas called, waving her hand in front of Lily's blank face. Her warm brown eyes were framed perfectly by the dark eyeliner and smoky eyes shadow she had applied only an hour earlier. "Are you alive?"

Lily blinked, pushing her red hair out of her pale face, a small apologetic smile formed on her lips. "Sorry Dora. What's up?"

"You've been out of it for the past twenty minutes!" Dorcas groaned irritably. "Marlene left forever ago, and I've been sitting here silently and it's driving me insane."

"What?" Lily began mockingly adjusting her tie, "You can't stand being quiet for a few minutes?"

Dorcas narrowed her eyes, "Not when you are sitting right next to me and we have a million things we could discuss."

"Fine, what do you want to discuss?" Lily sighed leaning forward and leaning on arm.

"Well first, what were you thinking about for so long?"

Lily shook her head with a smile, to take attention away from the rising color in her cheeks. "Nothing really, just what's coming up this term."

"What like MY BIRTHDAY?" Dorcas proclaimed pointing to her own chest proudly, before crushing Lily into her side.

"Or!" Lily laughed, "My birthday."

Dorcas feigned disappointment, "I suppose that's this month too…"

Smacking Dorcas, she snorted. "You know you are planning to do something for my birthday."

"Did I ever say that?" Dorcas puffed out her chest, and looked away, "I never said such a thing!" Rising to their feet, Dorcas linked arms with Lily and walked with her to Transfiguration.

Along the way Lily nodded and responded to all the right things, but her mind was somewhere else. Once they arrived in class, they settled in their seats and Dorcas struck up a conversation with Peter.

Lily was glad that Dorcas always believed the obvious and rarely looked any deeper. If Dorcas was Marlene, she would have been able to figure out what Lily was thinking about and Lily couldn't have that. Especially considering the fact that Lily couldn't believe she was thinking, what she was thinking.

It seemed insane, it seemed wrong, that for the past day or, if she was going to be honest, the past few weeks, all Lily could think of was what it would have been like if James had kissed her. At first it wasn't that bad, more of a floating thought wandering around her head, but she found ever since she had first seen him on the train ride back, it had escalated to an embarrassing level.

How could she be thing about snogging him? James Potter was…James Potter! He was like a contagious virus that seemed to containment everyone around him into like him. Lily was having a hard time remembering how she hated him for so long and it was slowly, but thoroughly, driving her mad.

There were only two things she could do; she could A) Avoid him, or B) find a way to take away even the possibility of that type of relationship. The first option was out the window immediately. They lived in the same dorm, same house, had all the same classes and shared quite a few friends. It was impossible to stay away from him, even when she used to try she'd run into him in the corridor. So therefore she had try and force their relationship to be platonic. But how the bloody hell was she going to manage that? It wasn't like with Sirius, where every other girl in the castle would kill to be within ten feet of him, but they both weren't attracted to each other. Lily Evans admitted, if only in her head, that she felt…something…resembling attraction to James and that was making everything twice as complicated then it needed to be.

"Dora?" Lily questioned as McGonagall waltzed in from her office.

"Huh?"

"If you wanted to kill any sexual tension from a relationship

Dorcas smirked, "I don't know if I have the power to take away ALL sexual tension from my relationships. It is me after all."

"You sound like Sirius."

Scowling, Dorcas said, "Become Potter's friend. Make it aggressive that you don't even see him as a man, but more as a brother."

Lily frowned, "How did you know-?"

"I may be oblivious to a lot of things, but come on who else would you have to do that to?" Dorcas scoffed dipping her quill into some ink to begin taking notes.

* * *

After class Lily became determined to fix her situation. She had gone too long with this feelings, she needed to be over this. James was laughing loudly, his arm around Sirius as they plotted their back to school prank no doubt. She slyly tapped him on the shoulder, and waited for him to turn. When he did, Lily took a step back as she had not anticipated she would be standing so close to him. The minute his hazel eyes met her emerald ones, she felt her breath hitch slightly, but she ignored it.

"Potter I want to talk to you."

"What is it Evans?" He sighed with a wide smile.

She gestured over to a less crowded corridor and he followed her over there wordlessly. In the corner of her eye she saw Sirius flash James a thumbs up sign and watched as James ran a hand through his hair nervously. Her stomach knotted in horrible guilt. She wasn't just doing this for herself. Lily was also doing this for James. He needed to get over her. He needed to realize that not only was it not safe to be with her, but that he could honestly do better than her.

Lily didn't hate herself. She knew that she was smart and somewhat decent person, but James could do better. He could be with someone that wasn't so obsessed with being perfect at everything, someone who wasn't a raving nervous wreck, someone who was tall and not as prone to sun poising. In conclusion, James Potter needed more than Lily and she wanted that for him. More than anything, she had learned that she honestly wanted him to be happy and she was convinced that she was the last person on earth to give him that.

So despite how she felt, just…looking at him, she said, "I think we should become friends."

James looked slightly taken a back and a little disappointed. "Friends?"

"I'm sick of all of this…" Lily took a moment to figure out what to say, "fighting all the time…"

"I don't mind fighting with you…" He mumbled, with a sheepish half-smile.

Lily groaned. "I know, but this will be better…_healthier._"

His face brightened up for a second. "If we are friends can we get each other presents?"

"Uh…Sure…um."

"Then fine." He declared, putting out his hand for her to shake.

Lily stumbled forward, kind of lost as to why he added that clause to their friendship contract. "Why-?"

"Just shake my hand Evans."

Glaring at him, she did as he instructed.

"Now! I must go! Mischief to embark on and all that!" He grinned, took two steps forward and pulled her into the most uncomfortable hug she'd ever received.

At first she tensed up, because she wasn't sure what the hell he was doing, but as soon as she realized he wasn't going to kiss her she just laughed. He pushed her face into his chest, with one arm around the back of her waist and the other needlessly messing up her hair.

"Inhale the friendship Evans!"

"What are you doing?" She laughed having no clue where to put her arms.

"Embracing this new friendship!" He pulled away with a bemused smile. "What you thought being friends with me would be normal?"

Lily gaped at him. "I thought you would know how to give a proper hug..."

"I do, but Ms. Evans I felt you needed something a touch more special," He walked backward with an arrogant smirk. "See you later _FRIEND._"

Lily had no idea how to handle that so she simply walked away with a bewildered expression on her face.

Later on the Gryffindor common room filtered out to go to the first practice of the new semester. One by one they left, and Lily couldn't hold back her laugh when James winked at her as he passed by.

"There's something deeply wrong with him." Lily muttered, holding her stomach with a wild laugh on her lips.

Dorcas nodded in agreement, "He is an odd one."

"I have practice," Marlene muttered distractedly as she stopped in front of them.

Dorcas eyed her oddly, "We can see that by your apparel Mar….What's with you? You seem…jumpy?"

Marlene frowned, stilling instantly. "I'm just nervous about starting Quidditch up again."

"You don't have a game for months." Lily pointed out giving Marlene a suspicious glance.

"Oh well, I dunno I'm just anxious." Marlene lied horribly, fixing her ponytail. "Um…I'll see you guys later."

Lily watched her race out of the room with a confused look on her face. "She's hiding something."

"Probably," Dorcas shrugged unconcernedly flipping the page of her charms textbook.

"So," Lily began, with a bright smile, bringing her hands on her lip, "What do you want to do for your birthday? And what do you want?"

"Well," Dorcas grinned, stretching her tiny body out on the carpeted floor like a cat, "I'm glad you asked me that Evans." She let out a sigh as she rolled around for a bit, before adding, "I will give you a list of things you may give me if you wish, but all I want to do for my birthday is get trashed off my arse with you and Mar."

Lily paled, "Um…how are we going to do that? Marlene and I aren't of age, and-"

"Calm down Lily. I can feel your heart racing from over here." Dorcas laughed, "I've got contacts. I can take care of everything. You just have to be in for a night of adventure and recklessness!"

"Er…well how about I'm in for doing whatever you want…within reason." Lily added anxiously, her green eyes wide with apprehension.

"That's the spirit!"

* * *

Marlene sighed as the water dripped down her back, working out all the knots and washing all the dirt and sweat she had attained during practice. She thought she'd never get through it. It wouldn't have been so bad if Sirius hadn't been sending her looks the whole time. How did he expect her to be able to concentrate when he looked at her like that? It was bad enough that he did it through classes and in the Great hall…but on the Quidditch Pitch something could actually happen if she wasn't aware of her surroundings.

Letting out a soft sigh, she tried to think of other things, but failed. It had been like this all week. They'd snog in broom closets and sneak out after curfew, but she was beginning to think she couldn't do anything without him creeping into her mind.

"Mind if I join you?"

Marlene squeaked upon hearing Sirius's voice. Her heart surged into her throat, her blue eyes wide as she tried to calm herself down. "Is anyone else in here?"

"Nope, they all cleared out."

She bit her lip and paused for a split second before unlatching the door, allowing him to walk in.

His eyes were fill of lust before they landed on her, his whole body was tensed and ready for whatever to come, but the minute he saw her his mouth opened and his eyes hardened on her far more intensely then she was prepared for. Here she was completely naked, covering her boobs as she backed up against the stall wall and he was looking at her…Well like he had never seen a naked woman before. And Marlene knew for a fact that, that couldn't be true, so she was taken back by the fact that he was looking at her like that.

He walked over to her slowly, locking the stall door and stopping inches in front of her. For a few moments he allowed the water to drizzle down the side of his face, before

"Why are you covering up?"

"I've never stood fully naked in front of someone." She admitted with an embarrassed low pitch laugh.

He stooped down in the few inches between them and whispered huskily, "You don't have to hide anything from me."

Sirius's words caught her off guard. She wasn't expecting any of this, but she would have never a million years expected him to say something like that. Especially when his words were so sincere and seemed to mean exactly what she thought they meant.

Pushing away her indecision and insecurities, Marlene removed her arms from her chest and shifted them to the tips of his shoulders. His muscles flexed under her touch, making her tense and bite the corner of her bottom lip. She expected to see a smirk on his face, it was actually startling that he wasn't, because the expression on his face was much more disarming.

Sirius kissed her cheek, the water running down his face and dripping down her as his hands moved to lean on the sides of the wall around her. His black hair fell into his face as without touching her, his whole body leaned in towards hers. She couldn't take it anymore, her chest was rising and falling too fast for her to stop. Marlene snaked her arms around his neck and kissed him. It began soft and firm, earning a deep moan from Sirius that rumbled deep in the back of his throat. Her mouth opened, and he reacted instinctually, his tongue savoring hers. She arched her back forward and lightly brushed her breasts up against him. The instant her nipples grazed his toned chest, his hands jumped from the wall grab her arse grip her entire body flat against his.

Her fingernails dug into his shoulders as their tongues swirled together heatedly. Sirius pulled away his mouth moving to her neck, burning her skin with the touch of his lips and stumbled jaw.

"Sirius," She gasped quietly, driving him insane.

His hands, which had been immensely busy palming her perfect arse, pushed her back against the wall. Her breaths were heavy as his hands traced her body, lightly kissing the sections he approved of the most. Before he could get past her stomach, she grabbed him, and using all of her strength, she flipped him against the wall. A distinct look of surprise crossed his face as she began kissing down his torso, but he didn't stop her. Once he realized where she was headed he let out a low moan and clasped her shoulders.

Leaning downwards instead of kneeling, Marlene very carefully and very gently gilded her finger down the lining of his shaft. He gasped, his hand reaching forward to grasp her breasts, with an fervent need. She second-guessed herself for a brief moment before wrapping her mouth around him.

"Holy…" He breathed, his hands shooting up to grasp her hair for something to hold onto. "Marlene…Oh…If you keep doing that you're going to…"

He jerked a few times, before becoming incredibly still and shuddering with pleasure. "You shouldn't have done that." He informed her hoarsely.

"Why not?" Marlene shot back, stepping back, with a distinct look of pride on her face.

He picked Marlene up and pinned her against the wall. "Because now we are not leaving this locker room until you can't stand straight."

She thought he was going to enter her, but he didn't. Instead, his jaw went right for the hollow of her neck, one of his arms hiked her up half and inch while the other hand rubbed against her. He slid a finger inside her and started expertly pumping it in and out. Marlene's hips bucked against him, but his body locked hers from going anywhere. When he removed his hand, she was about to demand than he continue when he stuck two fingers inside of her. She couldn't handle it. Sure she had made it to this point before, but it wasn't even remotely like this. It took a few minutes for her to even get close to climaxing, but after only a minute of allowing Sirius's expert fingers to work their magic, she was already feeling that dark rising feeling in the pit of her stomach.

"Oh …ah…_Damn_…" She breathed, her body loosening, as Sirius removed his hand and Marlene's head fell onto his shoulder.

"You okay?"

She locked eyes with him steadily. "I want more."

He was shocked; most girls would be passed out by now, but after one look at her he hiked her up, and thrusted his entire length into her. He shivered, their eyes were only inches a part, but were perfectly level with one another as he began to pump in and out of her. Her legs tightened around his waist, putting him even deeper inside of her, earning a groan from them both.

The first time she'd kept as quiet as possible in order to not get caught by anyone and he'd been disappointed. He wanted to get a reaction out of her, more than he'd ever wanted anything, but now it seemed she didn't care who her, and the louder she became the harder he drove himself into her until they both came.

Breathing heavily, Sirius slid out of her, but held her still against the wall. This time, his head rested on her shoulder as they both tried to catch their breath. When they did they were exhausted.

"Did you already…" He drifted off in between breaths.

She nodded exhaustedly, "I already washed my hair."

"…Okay…" He breathed.

"I'll go out first."

"Good," He grinned, putting his hands on his hips, "because I'm going to need a minute."

She laughed, the feeling rocking her useless no energy body. Then she kissed him lightly on the lips, the sensation tingled ever so slightly.

"Don't do anymore." He warned her with a groan. "I swear my body will keep going until I'm dead."

"Okay," She chuckled, grabbing her towel, wrapping it around herself and going back into the locker room.

Sirius let out a low breath as he let the water hit him right in the face. He knew this was reckless and he was doing a poor job of stopping himself, but he couldn't stay away from her. Even now as she changed only a few feet away from him, he yearned to be next to her. It was beyond his control and he didn't know what he was going to do about it. Soon, she would start asking questions. A girl like Marlene wouldn't just go along with this without wanting answers so he stayed in the shower until he was sure she was gone and changed alone in an agonizing solitude.


	32. C'mon

_I don't wanna think about_  
_What's gonna be after this_  
_I wanna just live right now_

**-Ke$ha-**

* * *

"Wormtail," James whispered furiously, diving into barrel role and flattening himself against the crook in the corridor. "Wormtail! Where are you!"

"Boo!" Wormtail laughed pulling off the invisibility cloak.

"Mate you scared the shit out of me!" James groaned punching him in the arm.

Peter laughed, "That was kind of the point."

"Give me the cloak," James snorted, giving Peter a smirk. "Did Remus and Sirius finish up?"

"Yep."

"Then my sneaky little friend. It is our turn!" James proclaimed before throwing his arm around Peter and the pair of them snuck into the Great hall.

It was nearing March and the boys had been slacking a bit in the pranks department. James had orchestrated 10 of the best pranks of his career in the past two months with the help of Remus and Peter. Of course Sirius was there too, but his head wasn't as into it as it used to be. James tried to see what had changed, but he could never really pinpoint the reason. Sirius didn't go out any more then he used to and as far as he knew there wasn't anything different. So it was a bit of a mystery to them all, but they just shrugged it off.

If the truth was to be told, James was more worried about Marlene. She had been not stopped smiling for three months, which he was pretty sure couldn't be healthy. He wanted to be happy that she was happy, but she was his little sister and it was his job to protect her. James wondered if Marlene had simply picked up a new hobby and gotten perkier or what had happened. If that was it he was more than happy to be happy for her, but if it was a guy, it made James more paranoid than necessary. He was putting all energy into having the best sixth year possible and at the top of that list was Marlene being okay.

James considered dating himself. Unlike his approach a few months earlier he tried not to be so aggressive and actually think about if there was anyone he would like to go out with. The list was slim, and sadly only contained one name. If there was one thing James knew about himself he knew, it was that, that wouldn't change. He had a very fixed personality, when he became invested in something his whole existence was thrown into it whether he liked it or not. And it was nice being friends with Lily. He no longer had to think of excuses to speak to her or reasons why he had to be near her. If James fancied a chat with her he could just go up to her and do it, no effort necessary.

The problem was that no matter how hard he tried to act like he didn't love her, the feeling never faded.

Since he knew himself well, he knew it wouldn't go away. It was one of those things that everybody tells you to the point where you start to think maybe it could be true. For a second he tried to think they were right and one day he would wake up and not want to be with her, but it never happened. Instead James threw himself into Quidditch, school and pranking to take the edge off. He just hoped if he put enough energy into it he wouldn't feel the negative side effects of his bitterly unrequited love. So far, he was doing quite well.

"Prongs," Peter began with a low whistle, looking across the empty hall to the Slytherin table. "So we are raising the table two inches?"

"And we are dropping the bench an inch…Make sure you balance the weight on the support legs because otherwise the table will just topple over."

Peter grinned, "Aye Aye Prongs."

Peter on the other hand had an exceptional year so far. For one, he got a girlfriend, which would be exciting on any person, but was sensational for him as they all had silently feared he'd die a virgin. Now Peter had a spring in his step. He was still tentative and it was Marlene that had set him up with the shy Hufflepuff in the first place, but it didn't matter. What mattered was that someone wanted to be with Peter and he wanted to be with her. All the rest wasn't important.

James was overjoyed for him and did everything possible to help him out. Most of the time it was just taking the mickey out of him with Sirius, but there was the occasional decent advice he gave him that Marlene approved.

Actually the only Marauder that seemed to be in the same stage as he was the previous year was Remus, who had nothing new or exciting going on, much to Sirius and James disapproval. They wanted him to date, to pick up a new club, or just…do something besides reading and half-heartedly planning their pranks, but he wouldn't budge. He was very firm in the belief that no girl would ever want to be someone like him. Whenever James brought up the fact that Marlene had gotten over it, Remus had no defense. All he said was that he wasn't going to put his baggage on someone else. It was infuriating, and quite sad, but James had given up pestering Remus. After a while it just seemed to not be worth it. James's mother always said people take the life they think they've earned, and for some reason Remus seemed to think he was destined to be alone.

"All done!" Peter called.

James nodded as he added the finishing touches to make the aisle behind Slytherin table endlessly slippery. "Let's get out of here then."

They both were about to bolt out of the hall when they heard footsteps approaching. They both locked eyes, frantically rolled under the Gryffindor table.

* * *

"GIVE-ME-THE-CLOAK-GIVE-ME-THE-CLOAK!" James whispered harshly smacking Peter repeated as if this would help the process work faster.

Peter threw the cloak over them, just as Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore strolled into the hall. McGonagall's hawk like eyes darted across the hall searching for any sight of a student out of bed.

"I could have sworn, I saw Potter earlier." She grunted furiously.

"And indeed you may have, but it seems he is not here."

McGonagall sat down at the Gryffindor table, with a sigh. "He Black, Lupin and Pettigrew are getting out of hand."

"We still have no proof any of them were involved."

She gave him a stern look as he settled down on the Ravenclaw bench. "Yes Albus, but we know perfectly well it was them…I do admit a few of their antics are quite clever. I just worry that they will push their enemies too far…"

Dumbledore's face grew grave, as he pressed his fingertips together pensively. "I worry about that as well Minerva, but I do believe those four could handle themselves."

"And what if it escalates? You know where those boys are headed or what they might already be a part of." She breathed, her voice losing some of its normal authority.

His wrinkled face tightened slightly. "I will do everything in my power to stop that from happening."

"You know once they all become of age they will demand to join." She laughed, her eyes brimming with tears. "Potter and Black don't have it in them to hold back from a fight."

"Well I'm afraid we will have to deal with that when the situation arises. I however require a full five hours of sleep. Would you like me to walk you to your room?"

She nodded allowing him to help her stand up. Swiping the side of her of her eyes she chuckled, "I was just being silly."

James and Peter waited a few minutes before crawling out from under the table. Both of them said nothing as they left the great hall and remained silent all the way to their dorm. Only when they moved to return to their room did Peter pause. James noticed and he stopped on the first step leading up to the boy's dormitory.

The fire to the Gryffindor common room was still alive, the lights of ambers hit their faces as they stared at one another anxiously.

Peter's dirty blonde hair seemed golden when he said, "James…what do you think McGonagall meant?"

James ran a hand through his hair, his lips pressed together tightly. "I think she is just worried about the war."

"Do you think…I mean we are purebloods. We aren't in danger right?"

James didn't want to lie to him and say they would be fine. Dumbledore was right, if there was a war Sirius and James would be the first to sign up to fight. There wasn't a question about it, but there seemed to be a question for Peter. In a lot of ways he was the most childlike out of them all and James felt like how he imagined a father would if he had to explain this to his son.

"Don't worry Wormtail. Everything is going to be fine." James said forcing a smile on his face.

* * *

The next morning Dorcas and Lily rushed to walk with James and Sirius. "What did you boys do?" Dorcas demanded.

"We didn't damage, maim or torture anything." James replied curtly.

"I saw you leaving the common room last night at 8:30 Potter." Dorcas informed him quickly with a knowing look on her face. "And you never came back in."

Sirius smirked, wrapping his arm around Lily. "Meadowes, you need to take it down a bit. We haven't touched a single one of them."

"Ah huh." Dorcas muttered suspiciously.

Lily snorted, her red hair ponytail hitting Sirius's chest. "Just tell me we can get to the table without running into whatever you have done."

"As long as you take a normal route, you should be golden Evans." James laughed sending her a wink.

She rolled her eyes, but once she draped her arm around Sirius's back James saw a familiar bracelet on her wrist.

James didn't want to show it, and he hid it as best as he could, but he couldn't help but grin. She wore his bracelet. The one he got her for her birthday ever since he got it for her. He knew he shouldn't read too much into it. She also always wore the necklace Marlene had gotten her under her robes, but seen it on her made it that much harder to act like there was nothing between them.

All of the Slytherin's were standing when they entered the Great Hall. Remus and Peter had gotten to the Great Hall early and were trying desperately trying to hide their laughs. Sirius and James had an even harder time when they saw the bruised faces of all the men and woman they hated.

"What the bloody hell happened?" Lily asked Dorcas in a hushed whisper, moving to the table.

"I think somebody lifted the table up, dropped the bench down, made the floor slippery and did the same thing to their dorms…but it's just an educated guess." Sirius declared with an arrogant smirk. "Francesco Francesko would be proud."

Lily and Dorcas headed into Charms an hour later to find every one standing at the front of the classroom. Dorcas sighed, unapprovingly. "What is this?"

"They are assigning us term partners." Marlene grimaced from the back of the line.

"It's mar-ch!" Dorcas exclaimed. "How can they do this three months before we get out for summer?"

Lily followed her down the line with a shrug. "It's just one class. I'm sure if we hate our partners we can always switch."

"Would you switch if you got Potter?" Dorcas asked impishly, as the rest of their classmates filed into the classroom.

Lily didn't say anything, but a faint embarrassed blush rose to her face. The truth was she would probably ask for someone else, but not because she liked James or anything, but because she would rather work with someone else.

"Uh-" Lily began before Professor Flitwick cut her off.

"When I call your names please go to the row with your names on it!" He declared in his little high pitched voice before reading off the names on the parchment.

"Not Slytherin, not sli-ther-in, not Slytherin," Dorcas chanted desperately, rocking back and forth on her heels.

Lily laughed and rubbed her shoulder reassuringly. "I'm sure it's not that bad…You'll probably get a Hufflepuff or a Ravenclaw…"

"If I get Diggory, I'm going to off myself." Dorcas retorted dryly.

"Diggory; McKinnon." Flitwick called off.

Dorcas let out a low laugh, and clapped Marlene on the back. "Go get em tiger!"

Marlene shot Dorcas a nasty look before dragging her feet to sit in the back with Amos Diggory.

"Five galleons says she socks him by the end of the year." Dorcas muttered out of the corner of her mouth

"Psh, I'm taking that bet." Lily replied instantly, shaking Dorcas's hand. "Diggory maybe be a notorious flirt, but Mar will just ignore him."

Dorcas shrugged, "Time and money will tell I suppose."

"Evans; Prewett."

"Not bad," Dorcas told her, nodding approvingly.

Lily wasn't as sure. Despite the fact that they lived with Alice, she had yet to speak a word to her in months. There was a part of Lily that believe that Alice was biter that it was Marlene who survived and not Mary, but she would never say it aloud.

"Levvett; Black, Lupin; Meadowes-"

Dorcas let out a sigh of relief and saw that across the room Remus had done the same. They both gave each other a polite nod before crossing the line of people and settling into their seats in the back row. Neither of them said anything as they settled into their seats, but after a few minutes of waiting for all the people to be partnered up Dorcas grew bored. Remus Lupin wasn't exactly in her top five list of people she'd like to be partnered with, but he was decent enough.

"So how long did it take to execute the Great Hall?" She asked in a low voice.

"I don't know what you are talking about." He replied picking a piece of lint off his robes.

She rolled her eyes, and leaned back her chair haughtily. "Suuure you don't."

"I don't know what you're accusing me of-" He began briskly.

"Jesus…Can you tell me who it was that stuck the broom so far up your arse? Because I will kindly tell them how rude that was of them."

A flicker of a smile rose in his face before fading. He didn't reply.

"Come on." She nudged him with a forced smile. "We are going to be working with each other all term…you might as well lighten up a bit for an hour three times a week."

"I'd rather not." He said briskly, crossing his arms.

Dorcas let out a heavy sigh shaking her head. "I don't know how Marlene dated you for so long…you are such a bore."

"And what you think you're interesting?" He shot back icily.

"At least I can have a civil conversation with someone without getting all defensive and hateful."

"Because calling someone a bore is really a compliment."

"Honestly you probably have it in you to be an interesting person. You have interesting friends, a unique background, but you insist on believing you are ordinary. So therefore you become boring," She replied not bothering to look at him.

"Everyone is ordinary." He said furrowing his eyebrows

"People are ordinary when they allow themselves to go unnoticed." She informed him. "Take Peter for example. He is a great person, but he doesn't realize it so he allows himself to let other people make him feel small and doesn't do things for himself. He will always be ordinary until he steps out on his own."

"And you step out on your own?"

Dorcas gave him a blank look and said, "Every day."

Remus frowned and sat a bit farther back. "And how do you do think you do that?"

"My two best friends are the most popular girls in the school. Marlene is the prettiest, most athletic and toughest. Lily is the smartest, most thoughtful. And I'm the shortest, that wears heels and has a big mouth." She said honestly, "I know who I am and where I stand in the scheme of things, but unlike Peter I don't let it define me. No one will ever call me Marlene or Lily's best friend, they will call me Dorcas Meadowes, because I am my own person and I'm not defined by my friends, family or other social constructed labels… I'm me, however bad or great that is, that's all there is."

Flitwick had finally finished sorting everyone and had begun the notes for the day. Remus eventually shook his head and began taking notes, but he couldn't get Dorcas's words out of his head. Beside him she scribbled at an even pace taking her time to carefully write out the words before glancing up at the board.

He didn't say anything to her for the rest of class, and he was surprised that she didn't say anything to him either. When they left at the end of class, she moved past him boldly linked arms with Marlene and never looked back.

* * *

**Authors Note:**

Thank you to everyone who has been reading and reviewing! I have DEEPLY appreciated it! _Feel free to add me on tumblr I'm Siriusuntiltheveryend_ and** Please review!**


	33. Wish I Could Forget

_Monday come like Tuesday_  
_You were something else, I will admit_  
_I remember what you told me_  
_Only wish I could forget_  
**-The Weepies-**

* * *

Lily's red hair fell in her face despite the several times she had attempted to tie it back with a hair band. Finally after several hours sitting by the roaring fire, she gave up trying to keep it back and just dealt with it. Across from her Marlene and Sirius were passed out on the couch. She considered waking them since they both didn't sit down intending to fall asleep, but couldn't. They actually looked rather cute together. Her head was on his chest, his arm was around her, his head rested on hers.

In between studying chapters, she'd look up from studying and catch people walking in from wherever they had been, but after nine it was just the three of them. Lily didn't want to look at them. Every time she did it made her sad in the most selfish way possible. Seeing them asleep, laying together so effortless made her wish she had something like that. Lily had never been in love and she liked to make herself believe from time to time that she was above it and didn't need it as it would only slow down her academics and goals. But then there were times like these, simply times that she wished she just had someone to hold her like that.

Her friends would point out that James would be more than willing to do that, but they didn't get it. They didn't read the paper. They didn't see what was beginning to happen all across Europe. They didn't see that there was a war coming and that anyone even connected with a Muggleborn would be in trouble. Dorcas just focused on getting through the year, and Marlene still after everything never understood how much trouble she was getting herself in by being best friends with two Muggleborn's.

Lily shook her head and rubbed her eyes. She didn't like to think like that. More deeply than anything she wanted this war to just go away so she could be selfish and keep her friends. When the time came, she knew she'd have to give them up. Hell to give up everything she gained in the past few years, but at least until they graduated Lily wanted to hold onto the life she could have had. A life where people loved her and willingly stood up for her.

"Lily," James asked cautiously sitting down on the edge of her chair.

"huh?" She asked jumping slightly at his sudden presence.

His eyes darted to the opposite couch. "Is there _something_ going on with _those_ two?"

Lily glanced over to who he was pointing to and she shrugged. "I don't know. She hasn't said anything. I think she was reading when she fell asleep so it might be innocent…."

James paused for a minute, his eyes lingering on their almost touching hands and then he shook his head and sighed. "I'm probably just over analyzing it."

"True, you forget, you cuddle with Marlene." She told him lightly.

"Yeah, but that's me. Marlene is like my pillow shaped sister."

She let out a short laugh, "Oookay."

"What are you doing?"

"Reviewing for the exam on Wednesday."

He gave her a look. "Evans do you ever do anything other than study?"

"I read, I'm in the Potions club-"

He grabbed her hand to stop her. "I don't mean your resumee Evans. I mean what do you do for fun?"

"Hang out with Marlene and Dorcas."

"Well Meadowes went to bed an hour ago, and Marlene is out. What now?" He questioned still holding her hand.

Lily tried to think of an answer, but it was hard to focus on anything when his hand carelessly holding hers. "Not a clue."

"Come on then." He grinned lifting her up to stand.

"I ..I have to study!" She whispered gesturing to her fallen book.

James rolled his eyes. "I'll quiz you if you are so worried."

"Fine." She shot back pulling her hand away, but he just grabbed it back.

"How am I supposed to drag you to this secret place of fun if I don't have a hold of you?"

She blushed trying act like it didn't faze her at all. "How are we going to leave? It's after curfew."

"We…now stay with me here because this is ground breaking," He began mockingly as she bent his knees so he'd be close to her height. "We. Walk. Through. The. Door."

Lily used her free arm to smack him on the arm. "Fine, but if we get caught I'm blaming everything on you!"

"I wouldn't have it any other way!" He proclaimed straightening up to his full height with a smirk.

* * *

He pulled her out of the common room and dragged her half way across the castle. She would never say it his face, but being out late when she wasn't supposed to was…well kind of exhilarating. Repeatedly she made a point to walk as far away from him as she could while still holding his hand, but it was hard. James was the type of person that drew you into him when he talked.

True to his word he quizzed her the entire way and seemed to know all the answers by heart, which infuriated her to no end. How was it that he knew so much? After all she had never even seen him open a textbook.

"So do you have a photographic memory or something?"

James shrugged modestly, "If I hear something I remember it."

"Then how do you learn things that are just in the book?"

"I read out loud." He admitted looking slightly embarrassed.

She smiled and nudged his side teasingly. "But you do actually own the books right?"

"Yes Lily," He rolled his eyes, "I own the books and attend every class."

"I'm just saying."

"Just because you don't see something doesn't mean it doesn't happen." He pointed out slyly as they began climbing up the steps to the Astronomy tower.

She paused nervously, glancing around uncomfortably.

"What is it?"

"Well it's just…um…this place…I don't-"

He looked around in confusion before he understood. Then he promptly laughed and said, "Lily if I were planning to seduce you into snogging me, I wouldn't do it where every other person in the school have snogged each other."

She nodded, a distinctive look of relief flashing over her green eyes. "Just …check-ing."

"Come on!" He encouraged her as he began to start hiking again.

By the time they reached the top she was well out of breath. She rested her hands on her knees in exhaustion.

"Put your hands over your head. It opens up your lungs." He told her, dropping back down to lay on a thin wool blanket that was on the floor.

It was then that she noticed she had held his hand the entire time and hadn't let go until he pulled his hand away. She never even protested after they left the common room. This bothered her, but she brushed it off easily. She was just trying to follow him and wouldn't have been able to catch up if she hadn't been connected to him.

"Okay so what are we looking at?"

"Duh," He pointed up, "Stars."

"This is fun to you?" She questioned dropping down to lay next him. "There are no explosions are possibilities of expulsion in star gazing Potter."

He snorted, tugging the sleeve of his long-sleeved shirt down. "I happen to think looking up and realizing how big the world is, is quite enjoyable…The view is more comfortable on the grounds, but I figured you would protest leaving the castle."

"True," She interlocked her fingers together anxiously and then wondered aloud. "Why was this blanket already here?"

"I was up here thinking for a bit." He said quietly.

She frowned, "About what?"

"Just general things. Life, the future, you know, things."

"I see." She breathed, goosebumps rising on her arms from the spring breeze.

"You cold?" He asked concernedly, his hazel eyes eyeing her.

She almost laughed, the angle made his glasses slant crooked. "I'm fine. Are you excited? I hear from a loud, tall, sex crazed bird that your birthday is coming up soon."

"Not really." He shrugged, his eyes turning back to the vast star sprinkled sky. "Everyone always talks about seventeen likes it's the big birthday, but it's kind of the beginning of the end."

"What do you mean?"

"When we are kids we can make mistakes, we can do all of the wrong things and at the end of the day it's all alright, because we are too young and stupid to know better." He reasoned, "But when we become of age, it's like we are suddenly adults, which is weird because a month earlier we are still seen as being incapable of taking care of ourselves or knowing anything."

She looked up at the sky and sighed. "I can see that, but I guess it's different for me."

"How so?" James inquired interestedly.

"Well, my mother died years ago, and my dad needed help running the house and doing things. I kind of took upon myself to help him." She paused and added, "When I'm with my friends I feel like a kid, but the rest of the time I focus on getting a job and accomplishing something. I'm so used to having to prove something and be something that I feel useless if I'm just wasting time doing nothing."

He waited a moment before responding. Then he said, "_That explains a lot_. Does your sister help at all?"

"She's more focused on marrying her …awful boyfriend

"He's the worst person in the entire world." She declared entirely serious.

James laughed. "I doubt he's that bad."

"No honestly, if someone asked me, 'hey can you point out the worst person in the entire world?' I'd say, 'Well Hitler is dead, so that would mean you are looking for Vernon Dudley. His house is down the street, second to the left…"

"Who is Hitler?"

"Who…Who is…" She sat up suddenly giving him a wild look. "You're pulling my chain here…_right_?"

He shook his head and furrowed his eyebrows.

"Horrible person. Murdered millions of muggles."

"Never heard of him."

"Pureblood ignorance really is appalling sometimes." She breathed in horror.

"Well I'm taking Muggle Studies next year as an elective so I'm sure I'll learn something about this Hitlin."

Lily smacked her face and shook her head. "I can't even…"

"What?"

"Never mind. I…I'll explain it later."

He laughed, running a hand through his hair. "Okay."

"When you find out how bad this guy was you are going to be really upset that you had no idea who I was talking about." She promised him lying back down.

"I believe you."

She decided to change the subject. "So what are your big plans for after graduation Potter? Professional Quidditch career?"

"Actually I have been recruited for several teams." He confessed sheepishly, "But don't tell Sirius or I will never hear the end of it…"

"That's exciting." She nodded approvingly.

"Yeah…but I want to do something more. With the war and everything. I just feel like hanging out on a broom wouldn't be the most productive thing I could be doing."

"Everyone needs something to lighten up the mood of things from now and then." She told him supportively.

He frowned, "That's true and I have nothing against Quidditch players. When I was little that was what I dreamed of being when I grew up…But now that I am almost all the way grown up it doesn't feel _right_. I wouldn't feel good about myself if everyone else was out there fighting and I was just signing autographs and training."

Lily didn't respond at first. When she looked over at him she was impressed to see how serious he looked. This wasn't what she expected from him, but over the past few months, or rather over the course of the year she had learned that most of the things she had assumed about him were wrong. He was kind, passionate and …honorable. Sure he did some things she didn't approve of, but at the end of the day he was still a genuinely good person.

"You fall asleep?" He asked in a stage whisper much like the one Lily often heard Sirius use.

She giggled involuntarily. "No, I'm still here."

"It's late. We should get you back." He said showing her his watch.

"It's 11?!"

"Time flies when you are with a Quidditch star." He joked offering her his arm.

She snorted and took it. "You are a loser James Potter."

He put his finger to his lips like a little kid would. "Shh don't tell anybody."

* * *

Fourteen hours later, Lily's emerald eyes grew wide with excitement, as she watched her potion experiment grow. Professor Slughorn observed with a giddy smile as the cauldron turn the exact colour she had predicted it would.

"Yessss!" She growled under her breath victoriously under her breath.

Slughorn clapped her on the shoulder in pride. "That is spectacular Ms. Evans."

"I know it is quite good for a Muggleborn." She teased him, nudging him for affect.

"Oho! You are a fiery little Gryffindor!" He chuckled.

"Yes I am!" She declared.

"Ah I wouldn't sit down if I were you Ms. Evans." He warned her, "Today you will be assigned a partner for the rest of the term."

Lily cringed, grabbed her bag, and stood at the front of the room as the other students slowly started to trickle in. "Dorcas isn't going to like this."

"I doubt Ms. Meadowes will have a problem." Slughorn encouraged her good-naturedly before instructing the students to line up at the front.

Lily leaned back against the blackboard not knowing or caring if she was getting chalk debris on the black of her uniform. Her thoughts kept floating back to the night before with James, but she forced herself to put it out of her line. She needed to stop spending time with him. They couldn't and shouldn't be together and any time she was around him she seemed to forget that.

Looking up, Lily's body tensed as her eyes met familiar black ones. They both looked elsewhere as soon as possible as he passed by her, but those few second had rattled her. She told herself that it had been months since they'd spoken. Months since he'd even looked her way, their friendship was over and she couldn't hold onto what it once was anymore. Some days though it was harder to do than others.

Thankfully Dorcas strutted into class and immediately looked livid. _"Lily_," She clenched her eyes shut, "Please tell me…No…lie-to-me. Tell me there isn't a seating chart with assigned seats. I have a system with Peter. We have everything working like clockwork. I do all the work while he pays me compliments. Why does Slughorn want to ruin that?! Why does every professor at this school seem to want to _ruin_ me?"

"Oh come on," Lily said critically, "Your other partner is Remus. I hardly think that is a need for these dramatics. He's smart and polite."

"Yeah, but he hates me." She said dismissively.

Lily was taken aback. "Hates you? I've never seen him hate anybody. Why would he hate you?"

"Oh pick a reason any reason," Dorcas said waving her hands around as she spoke. "I'm sure there are many things about me that offend the scrawny malnutrition man."

"I see."

Dorcas let out a long drawn out sigh, putting her hand on her hip. "How are you anyway? I have seen you in a minute."

"We had breakfast together four hours ago, and transfiguration an hour after that."

"Yes well things can happen."

"I'm fine," Lily said, "How about you?"

Dorcas rolled back and forth on her heels. "Oh you know me. Just dan-dy."

Marlene ran into the class just as Slughorn was about to speak. She flashed him an apologetic smile and then moved to stand next to them. "What have I missed?"

"By sleeping in? Ab-so-lut-ely noth-ing." Dorcas scowled.

"She's just bitter because we are having assigned seats again." Lily told Marlene out of the corner of her mouth.

"Now that everyone has arrived I shall divide you into pairs. When I call your name, come up and I will direct you to your seats!" Slughorn announced. "Abbott; Prewett, Barrett; Nott, Collins; Avery-"

"Well at least that's two Slytherin's down," Lily breathed hopefully.

Dorcas nodded.

"-Evans; Potter, Gregorki; Levitt-"

Marlene smiled victoriously and pushed Lily forward, "Go on little duckling."

Lily shot Marlene a look, but gave James a hesitant smile as they both sat down in their assigned seats.

"Lupin; Meadowes-"

"Again? Lupin? Seriously?" Dorcas scoffed interrupting Slughorn loudly. "I mean he's smart and not bad to look at, but seriously?" A faint blush rose in Remus's cheeks, but no one played it the slightest bit of attention as everyone was paying attention to Dorcas's outburst. "I mean honestly you have two pairs from the same house that can't be appropriate."

"The way it is separated, there are two pairs from each house that remained together." He explained calmly though he didn't seem to appreciate her interjection.

"Such bullshit…" She mumbled irritably as he called, "McKinnon; Snape."

Marlene's entire face shifted into intense dislike while she grabbed her bag and sat next to Snape in the front. Lily turned around and cringed at Dorcas. "She looked furious..."

"I would be too….What is with the teachers lately?" Dorcas asked with a scowl.

"I dunno." Lily said before turning back around.

"At least they put us together." James smiled at Lily earnestly.

Lily's eyes traveled from his untidy black hair to his warm eyes. "Yeah…" She gulped looking away from him as he struck up a conversation with Remus, "Yeah... lucky."


	34. You Can't Hurry Love

_You can't hurry love_  
_No, you just have to wait_  
_She said love don't come easy_  
_It's a game of give and take_

**-Phil Collins-**

* * *

"Mate," James groaned lowering his body to the floor in defeat. "I'm exhausted."

"Tough break Prongs to get detention the day before your birthday." Sirius nodded in the mirror in front of James, before taking a very large bite out an apple, getting debris on the mirror's surface. "Oh shite! Bloody sensitive surface." Sirius lifted his shirt and rubbed the watermarks off. "Okay, where were we?"

"You were making me feel better." James whined, stretching out his sore muscles.

"I'm not _that _magical." Sirius joked before biting another mouthful of apple.

James cringed, "Do you ever shut your mouth when you eat?"

"What's the point?" Sirius asked once again spraying the mirror.

"That's the point, right there."

"Oh whatever," Sirius rolled his eyes unconcernedly. "Back to the matter at hand. First of all, how much more do you have to scrub?"

James pushed up to glance around the room, he adjusted his glasses and grimaced. "Like half the room still….Merlin….How did I get into this?"

"You pissed McGonagall off." Sirius snorted.

"It was a rhetorical question, you wanker."

Sirius waved his half eaten apple and said, "Regardless I need you to list some things you want to do for your birthday so I can coordinate. I obviously have a few ideas, but I do take victim participation."

"Well, for starters, we aren't going to a male strip club again." James said with a laugh.

"Even you have to admit Remus's expression was hysterical."

James shrugged, with a grin. "I'll admit that when you got on stage in drag it was quite amusing."

"Peter dared me, and it's a gentlemen's honor to uphold a dare." Sirius said, sitting up a little straighter.

"Since when have you ever been a gentlemen?" James scoffed.

"You don't know everything." Sirius shot back with a grin.

"Yeah yeah yeah." James sighed. "Mostly let's not make it too outrageous. I feel like if we toe the line any harder we might get thrown out."

Sirius threw his hands up. "Are you getting soft on me James Potter?! Because I WILL-NOT stand for that! Prison has corrupted you and made you become responsible…I won't do this Prongs. We already have Remus, I can't allow another sensible person in this group. I will riot-"

"You are ridiculous." James said, as he went back to scrubbing the floor manually.

"Francesco Francesko disagrees."

"I'm sure the figment of your personality does."

Sirius scowled, and blew a raspberry. "Well mate, you have a good time. I'll see you after dinner. Don't work too hard."

James gave Sirius a very choice hand gesture and within seconds his best friend disappeared from the other side of the mirror, leaving it reflective.

* * *

He had been here for at least two hours already and his whole body was furious at him. This was his fault, he should have been paying attention to what she was saying and he really shouldn't have gotten cheeky with her. James would have loved to say he learned his lesson, but he knew that eventually he would be in the exact same situation again. Trouble didn't follow him; it stalked him like a bird of prey. Sure sometimes James provoked the bird, but either way at the end of the day the bird found him.

Wiping his forehead off on the top of his shirt he grimaced when he felt how damp his shirt was already. He had managed to soak through it. Sighing, he pulled off his shirt and tossed it on the table where his wand sat. For another twenty minutes he worked diligently. Despite the fact that he'd been given everything and wanted for nothing growing up he had an excellent work ethic. The reason why wasn't clear, but it was probably a result of going to work with both of his parents. Both of them were well off and didn't need to work, but did anyway. There was an honor in that James always respected and admired.

James was working so hard he took his glasses off and stopped paying attention to anything but what he was doing. If he had he might have noticed Lily standing in the doorway, with her mouth slightly agape. She could have said something to him to acknowledge that she was there, but Lily lost herself for a bit as she watching his toned slightly scrawny, but slightly muscular bodywork on the floor. She started to imagine how diligent he might be in other areas…

Lily jumped when she heard someone walk by the empty classroom, and it gave her enough time to come to her senses. "Er…"

James's eyes flashed up to her flushed face. "Oh…Hey Lily. What's up?"

"Um well," She laughed nervously tugging on her collar, "I just was looking for you…"

"Well I can take a break." He said unknowingly flexing his entire torso as he pushed up off the ground to stand. Frowning apologetically at the sweaty mess that was him, he laughed. "Sorry I'm gross. It's 50 degree's in here and then scrubbing added 20 degrees."

She laughed under her breath lightly, "It's fine."

"What did you want to talk to me about?"

"Well, I'm sure after the game tomorrow, you're going to be out doing something reckless, irresponsible and generally reprehensible…So I thought I'd give you your birthday present today."

He blinked in surprise while he shoved his glasses back on his face. "You …got me something?"

"Yeah," She gave him an odd look. "You sound surprised…"

"Well…" He laughed to himself, exposing a single dimple his right cheek, she hadn't noticed before. "Let's just say I never expected you of all would appreciate me being born…. until recently, obviously.

She grinned, "Obviously."

They stared at each other for a few seconds. Lily forced herself to look her face and away from his body, but once her eyes settled on his she realized she didn't have such a hard time keeping her gaze there.

"Well," She cleared her throat, dropping her gaze and handing him a box. "Here, happy birthday Potter."

To say he was surprised would be such an overstatement that to even say the word surprised would have been a lie. For years he always thought of situations involving himself and Ms. Lily Evans. Some were honorable, but some where less than so, but he'd lost so much hope since then he never imagined they'd get to this point. He never imagined they'd have a genuine moment with one another.

His fingers brushed hers as she handed him the box. It was just a brief touch, just a second, but that split-second contact warmed his entire hand. He tried to shake that off and not act like it fazed him. They were supposed to be friends. He wanted more, but he'd always want more. James just decided that until she knew what she wanted, he wasn't going to force his feelings on her. When he finally got the chance to kiss Lily Evans, he wanted it to be real, not some prank or joke, but because they both wanted it. Until that point he was going to be the best friend he could be, and that included acting like things that affected him, didn't affect him at all.

Opening the box, he wasn't sure what he expected to find, but it wasn't what he found. Inside was an old silver pocket watch. He carefully opened it and found a well working clock on one side and a picture of all four marauders on the other.

"I would have put a friend picture of us on there, but we don't have any photographic proof of our friendship," She joked. "So I figured that picture would do."

James took a minute to respond. He was in a state of shock, but also in awe. Ever since he was little he'd wanted one of these watches. They symbolized elegance and a simpler more refined time. A time that sometimes James wished he lived in, he wouldn't mind dressing up looking fancy every day at all. His grandfather used to have the exact same watch and whenever James would visit, which was often since he was his grandfather's favorite, he'd play with the watch. When his grandparent's house caught on fire they lost everything, including the watch. All of James's life he wished that he could have some way find that watch or a watch that was like it. But there was no way in the world Lily could know that. He had never said a word to her about watches or what this type of watch meant to him.

Nervous at the fact that he hadn't said anything Lily began fiddling with the ends of her shirt and said, "I um, put a spell on it so it won't break….I thought it might make it…" She couldn't take it anymore, she had never found silence so unsettling, "I'm sorry if you don't like it. I can-"

"No," He said softly, his hazel eyes fixing on her face, "I…I love it."

She blinked, "You do?"

He nodded licking his bottom lip, his thumb grazed the sides of the watch fondly. "My grandfather had a watch just like this…How did you know?"

This was the embarrassing part. He actually didn't tell her this. It was something she overheard ages ago and had no idea what she remembered. "Uh…You know…I just figured."

"No honestly. How did you know?"

"Well I don't know if you remember back in sixth year after our finals. You and Remus were have this huge debate with Sirius and Peter in the Great Hall about whether pocket watches were cool or not…. And well I overheard…And I have a good memory….So…"

James stepped forward and pulled her into a large hug. "Thank you Lily. I absolutely love it."

Trying not to cringe at the idea of his sweat dripping all of over her freshly cleaned shirt, Lily patted him on the shoulder lightly. "You are welcome."

"I'll see you at dinner!" He told her grinning brightly, any exhaustion or defeat, gone from his face.

* * *

She smiled back and walked out. It was her intent to get him a good present. Her favorite part of birthdays was seeing the look on someone's face when they liked what they got. But the earnest expression on James's face, the sincerity that James loved that present was more than what she was used to. And it made her really happy. She walked into the Gryffindor common room smiling and paused when she saw Dorcas, Sirius, Peter, Remus and Marlene huddled together.

It was one thing to see Marlene with the other three, but last time she checked Dorcas hated Remus and tolerated Sirius.

"What are you guys doing?"

Dorcas looked up, "Peter, and I are going to make a birthday sign for Potter to hold up at the game. While Lupin and Mar convince all the portraits to sing happy birthday to him when he leaves the dorms, with confetti."

"What about Sirius?" Lily asked in confusion.

Sirius smirked widely. "I was hoping you'd ask that gingerbread."

She grimaced, "Gingerbread?"

"I was trying it out." He shrugged, standing up and draping his arm around her shoulder lazily as he lead her out of the room. "You and I have the great task of convincing the house elves to bake him a birthday cake."

"I see." She said circling her arm around his waist easily. "Seems simple enough."

"Yes, the real fun begins after dark." Sirius eyed her mischeviously, "I'm correct in believing that you are on patrol tonight?"

She frowned. "Yes…And no I won't lie for you."

"I'm not asking you to Lilykins." He told her, "I wouldn't put you in that position."

Lily relaxed. "Good…I love you, but I won't compromise my position for you."

"I know. You are fair to honorable for that." He rolled his eyes at her. "Tomorrow we have the game and then his mother is going to take him out for lunch. So it's going to be a busy day. We are trying to make sure we have all our ducks in order."

"I understand." Lily smiled. "I think it's adorable that you guys all go this far out for each other's birthdays. Although Remus didn't seem to like his celebrations too much."

"Remus John Lupin has a rather large stick up his arse sometimes." Sirius shot back darkly, "I love my dear friend, but I would have laughed if they had done that for me."

"Yes, well one of the many differences between you I suppose." She laughed. "I am surprised Dorcas is helping though. I didn't think she particularly liked James."

Sirius paused before saying. "Well I actually think she likes him, she just doesn't really have a lot in common with him. It seems more like she's doing this to spend more time with Peter. Since he got a bird he doesn't have as much free time…"

"He's working with her." Lily finished for him with a nod. "That makes more sense. I guess I was just surprised to see her with Remus. She really can't stand him."

He snorted as they waited for the staircase to move back to the floor they needed. "The feeling is more than mutual. He always mutters under his breath how infuriating he is."

"I think they just push each others buttons."

"Yeah…he needs that. He gets too set in his ways, like an old man yelling for people to get off his yard." Sirius said thoughtfully.

"True," Lily said as they continued walking. "What did you get James?"

Sirius smirked, his grey eyes twinkling with mirth. "I'm afraid I can't share that with you little Ms. Lily, but rest assured, he will have some memorable memories."

_"Oh god_." Lily groaned looking up at Sirius in disbelief. "Just make sure he comes back in one piece."

Sirius nodded, but noticed the shift in her attitude towards James. He said, "What about you?"

"Just a watch." She shrugged, not wanting to make her present seem like a big deal.

He guided her to the kitchens. "That's nice."

"I thought so." She mocked nudging him.

He let out a bark like laugh and pushed her aside lightly as he went to tickle the pear of fruit on the portrait.

* * *

The next day Dorcas and Lily woke earlier than they usually did on Sunday mornings. Marlene had already left to get prepped for the game with the rest of the team. It was decently warm outside, so Lily just wore a pair of jeans and put on a loose band t-shirt. She had bought the shirt a while ago, but never found a reason to where it until now.

Dorcas yawned and sat patiently as Lily braided her hair. "I hate how early we have to go to get good seats."

"I wouldn't know." Lily snorted.

"I can't believe you've gone here for six years and have never gone to a Quidditch game. What have you been doing all these years?"

Lily shrugged, "Hanging out in the library."

"Well you're in for a treat. Unlike football, Quidditch is actually fun to watch."

"I don't particularly like watching any muggle sports. I like playing cricket though."

Dorcas laughed as Lily tied the last hair tie. "I'd pay good money to see you play cricket. Your athlete ability is zero."

Lily pushed her teasingly. "I'm not _that _bad."

"UM…Mar calls you the dropper behind your back."

"No she doesn't!"

Dorcas shrugged with a smirk. "Believe what you want, but we have to go."

Lily glanced over and saw Alice was still asleep in her bed. Alice rarely left the room and didn't go out too much. During Charms Lily had tried to start a conversation with her or encourage her into breaking out of her shell, like she used to. But Alice never budged. She seemed resentful of Lily's efforts and after awhile Lily began to realize that Alice wished that it was Mary who survived, not Marlene.

Once they were halfway to the pitch, Lily saw Remus walking ahead of them and motioned for him, when she caught a glare from Dorcas. Lily lowered her hand with a grimace, strays of red hair flying in her face.

"Sorry…I forgot you hate him."

"I don't hate him." Dorcas sighed sadly, "I just don't like the way he talks to me. He acts like he has me all figured out. When he really doesn't know anything about me."

Lily nodded at Remus's distant figure, "I can see that."

"I wouldn't care, but I basically have to spend everyday next to his insufferable ass." Dorcas said crossing her arms in irritation.

"He is a good guy. He just judges too harshly sometimes."

"I know that." Dorcas laughed, "That's the irony! I can see he's a good person. I have no problem with him. He's the one with the chip on his shoulder about me. If I didn't know why he was a prick I'd think he thought he was better than me."

"Why does it bother you so much? You deal with people treating you like crap all the time." Lily asked thoughtfully.

Dorcas twitched, but added quickly. "I just don't get why he does it is all. Like the rest have a reason what's his?"

Lily didn't have an answer. Remus was always nice to everyone. Everyone except Dorcas it seemed. Deciding to change the subject to brighten Dorcas's mood, Lily linked arms with Dorcas. "Are you excited to go with me to my first real Quidditch game?"

She rolled her dark eyes. "Oh, just overjoyed."

"I'm glad to hear it, because you're going to have to teach me all the cheers and what all the points mean."

"You just keep sweetening the deal don't you Evans?"

Lily made a very unattractive face, earning herself a double chin and several wrinkles and said, "It's all a part of my charm."


	35. That Home

_This is a place where I don't feel alone_  
_This is a place that I call my home..._  
**-Cinematic Orchestra-**

* * *

James woke up on the day of his seventeenth birthday grinning. His glasses weren't on yet and he was only wearing his boxers. The sun streamed in through the window as beside him his alarm softly went off. He clicked it off and just laid on his bed shirtless. He was a man and more importantly he was an adult. It was such an odd notion. He was used to being seeing as a juvenile delinquent or a misguided youth. It was so out of body to think that every moment he sat there, inhaling air, he was doing it as someone who was completely and entirely legally responsible for himself and all of his actions. It was freeing to think he could literally go out and do whatever he pleased, but also terrifying because now if he did do something wrong the consequences would be all on him.

He stayed still for a few more moments and let every memory for the past seventeen years fill inside of his chest, before reaching for his glasses and stretching up to a sitting postion. The instant he did, a very excited blond tackled him.

"OOf," He groaned while Marlene hugged him tightly.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" She yelled excitedly.

He laughed and was about to thank her when Remus, Peter and Sirius pulled her off of him and lifted James up in the air. "HAAAAAAAAAAAPPPY BIRTHDAY!" They screamed in unison, almost dropping James at one point.

James couldn't do anything but laugh at them, his face almost splitting with laughter. His untidy black hair stuck up more than usual as each of them took turns ruffling it, before putting him down. Sirius tossed him his pants while Remus and Marlene handed him his pile of presents. He grinned at them and opened each present carefully. Mar had gotten him the new Quidditch gloves he had asked for. Remus had gotten him a lovely assortment of chocolates and some deer slippers, with antlers on the top. Peter got him a book on unique spells and their origins. And Sirius gave him a blank gift card with no explanation attached. All he would say was that it would be explained later, which wasn't reassuring in the least, but James merely thanked his friends before changing into his Quidditch uniform and grabbing his broom.

Sirius and Marlene walked down with him as usual. The minute they left, James was serenaded by all the portraits, who all had varying degree of singing capabilities. Regardless James took it in stride. He appreciated the attention and more than that he appreciated the effort his friends had gone to in order to make sure he had a good day.

"So mate," Sirius asked as they sat down at the Great Hall. "What did Evans give you?"

"A pocket watch," James blushed as he sat down in between Sirius and Marlene.

Marlene looked confused. "Why a pocket watch?"

"He loves them," Sirius rolled his eyes mockingly. "Though how little Ms. Ginger knew that is beyond me."

About twenty minutes later, the three of them were in the locker room. Sirius was messing with James. "So come on, tell me whose present you like the most. I know mine is vague, but you have to admit, mine was the best."

"Um, false," Marlene scoffed, "I gave him a present he can use. Merlin knows what horrendous thing you have roped him into."

"Answer the question Prongs. Who did the best?" Sirius asked nudging him like a five year old.

James said, "Lily did."

Sirius snorted, and threw his hands up. "Of course! He picks the woman."

James said nothing more, he sat on the edge of the bench, hunched over, smiling to himself, playing with something in his pocket. Marlene watched his expression, her eyes watering as she saw how his face lit up and how quiet he became. It was like his entire existence warmed at this simple gesture from Lily.

"Can I see it?" She asked softly knowing he had it on him.

He pulled it out of his pocket.

She frowned, "Why is the picture of you and the boys?"

"Because we are his soul mates!" Sirius shouted before leaving to go get his broom out of the supply closet.

Marlene scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Like he needed to announce that."

"I think she got the picture from Sirius. There aren't any pictures of me and her." He said softly.

Marlene grinned, a plot growing on her face. "Yeah. There aren't."

"Okay," Sirius began loudly earning a dirty look from Marlene, "I'm ready to go and I saw the rest of them on their way. You ready Cap?"

James nodded, giving Sirius a smirk. "I'm always ready."

* * *

Lily climbed up the steps to the Gryffindor stands and about halfway up she felt incredibly out of shape. "Jesus…How the hell are we expected to go this far? This is at least a twenty minute walk."

"Yeah," Dorcas snorted, "Most people don't have a problem with that."

"Well," Lily gasped holding onto her sides. "Most people like to exercise, and also are mad…"

Dorcas snorted and moved onto the bleachers to sit next to Peter. Lily said, "I'll…I'll be there in a minute."

She said Remus standing a few rows up talking to Amelia Bones. Once he saw Lily he ended his conversation with Amelia with a smile and met Lily in the aisle. "I never thought I'd see you here."

"Well," She shrugged, still breathing heavily, "You know, things change."

Remus smiled at that, and looked back over to Peter and frowned.

"Yeah," Lily said sharply pulling him aside, pointing at him sternly. "That look right there when you saw Dorcas. We are going to talk about that."

"Are you sure you can get the words out?" He mocked, evasively.

She gave him a dark look. "My physical fitness is not the topic for discussion…Those stairs were death and the rest of you are pretending they weren't to make me look like an idiot." Lily sighed, crossing her arms, "But that's neither here nor there…What is your problem with her? I've known you many years Remus. You are a kind person, who normally goes out of his way to be the bigger person. So why do you do the opposite with Dorcas?"

He opened his mouth to defend himself, but she gave him a sharp look.

"Don't you dare lie and say she started it! I've seen you with her! And I've also heard how you talk to her." Lily snapped, "What has she ever done to you?"

Remus shrank a little under Lily's stare and felt a rush of guilt. "Nothing I guess…"

"Then why are you so mean to her?" Lily demanded, before adding softly. "You know she doesn't show it, but I think you really hurt her feelings."

"Why would she care what I say?"

Lily shrugged, "I don't know, but even if it didn't hurt her feelings, why are you trying to hurt her?"

Remus paused, stumbled for an answer. "I don't know."

"Well there's a reason and you better figure it out before you come sit with us, because if you start shit with Dorcas around me…" She paused to pinch the bridge of her nose, "I'm going to kick your ass. I don't care that I can't fight or that you probably can pin me down. _I will_ _pumble you in-to the ground_. Understood?"

He let out a heavy sigh, his amber eyes narrowing in defeat. "Fine Lily."

Lily rubbed her face, and pushed her hair out of her pale freckled face. "Now, I'm about to go learn about this sport. You get your shit together and you sit next to me when you are ready to be the gentlemen we both know you can be."

"Yes Lily."

"Damn it Remus," She shook her head, "I'm only a bit younger than you and you made me mother you."

Lily walked away and sat down next to Dorcas. She saw that Peter had left to go sit with his girlfriend for a little bit. Dorcas didn't look mad, but she did look slightly put out. Lily thought to ask her if it bothered her, but she figured that Dorcas was more mad at the lack of friend time and not the actual people involved. Besides of all people Dorcas would be able to shake it off soon enough.

"Okay. So," Lily clapped her hands together. "I'm ready for you to teach me. What's the rules, regulations and speculations?"

"Well, if you want regulations you'll have to ask Mar, Black or Potter, because half the time I don't even understand why certain things happen," Dorcas said calmly, "But then again I guess it's different when you grow up on it."

Lily nodded thoughtfully, her eyes glancing at the rather large crowd of people. "That's true."

"But it's really quite simple. There are three players; keeper, seeker, two beaters and three chasers. The keeper is like the goalie, he keeps out the quaffle. The chasers are the ones trying to score in the opposite teams goal posts. Those black bowling ball looking things are bludgers, they swing around and try to take people out aimlessly. The beaters use their bats to try and hit the bludgers at the other team and protect their own. The seeker, in our case Mar, she is an whole different thing. She is trying to get that tiny gold ball with wings-"

"You mean that thing James always plays with?"

"Yes," Dorcas said before continuing, "So she has to catch the snitch to end the game, and win she does she earns an extra 150 points and ends the game. But if the other team already is ahead by say 160 then the other team wins. You see?"

Lily paused, furrowing her thin eyebrows, "That seems kind of illogical."

"You can't ask why, when you talk about Quidditch Lily."

A half hour later, Lily was actually having a really good time. Her first game was action packed. Already one of Ravenclaw's chaser's was injured, and one of their beaters was sent to the hospital wing when one of them sent a nasty bludger after Marlene. Lily didn't even see Sirius aim the hit until after, but was a little taken aback by how swiftly he retaliated, Marlene had only been clipped after all.

"It's getting really close!" Lily jumped excitedly, shaking Remus.

He said, "Yeah it is."

"Potter swerves into a dive and HE SCCCCCCORES! Bringing the score 80 to 50, Gryffindor in the lead."

"Wow, he really is good," Lily shrugged, a hint of pride in her tone. "OH OOOOH! MARLENE'S DIVING! SHE'S DIVING! IS THAT BAD?! OR IS THAT GOOD!"

"IT'S GOOD!" Remus yelled over the roar of the crowd.

Lily rose onto her tiptoes and watched as Marlene snatched the snitch. Then as soon as it was clear they won, Lily started jumping up and down frantically screaming. "THEY WON! AHHHHH! WAY TO GO MAR!"

She never had understood why people came to these games, but now she did. It was accelerating to watch. Maybe it was the fact that all the players had to fly around and all of them constantly had a purpose, but whatever it was Lily knew that this would not be her last Quidditch game. Fixing her shirt and linking arms with Dorcas they followed Remus and Peter down the stairs to the pitch.

"That was actually really fun." Lily grinned, "I think next time I'll wear face paint."

"It really does change the whole perspective of the game when you do." Dorcas smiled approvingly.

"And I'm already being into school colors with my hair color."

Dorcas laughed, "You are a natural redhead."

"Doesn't change the fact that it's our house color does it?" Lily shot back making a face at Dorcas.

"I guess not."

* * *

Down on the field, James and Rick Vance had lifted Marlene onto their shoulders as she held the snitch in her palm high above her head. Sirius was hugging his teammates when he spotted his parents. Grinning, he broke through the crowd of students and embraced both of them in a hug.

Mrs. Potter laughed as Sirius kissed her cheek. "Good job Sirius. Now where is the birthday boy? We have plans to take you all out for lunch."

Sirius ran over James and lifted Marlene off James's shoulder and put her on the ground. "Mum and dad are over there mate." He told James.

James grinned and was about to greet them when Lily and Dorcas broke through the crowd to congratulate them. Dorcas dove for Marlene and tackled her into a hug, while Lily went straight for James. She tapped him on the shoulder and smiled at him.

"Good job Potter! That game was so exciting!"

"You…you watched?" He asked in astonishment.

She nodded, beaming. "I LOVED IT! Now I get why you go on and on about it!"

He laughed running his free hand through his hair. "Yeah."

"Well…um…" She stammered unsure of what to say next, before reaching up and giving him a rather stiff hug.

His arms wrapped around her and the scent of her strawberry shampoo breezed by his face. "Thanks Lily."

"Um, your welcome." She said releasing him before moving over to jump into Sirius's arms naturally. "GOOD JOB!" She screamed at him without any awkwardness.

Sirius let out a bark like laugh, scooped her up higher and spun her around canting, "WE WON! WE WON!"

James grinned at the sight of them, and made his way over to his parents, hugging them both happily. "Thanks for coming."

"Well get the boys because I've gotten permission from Dumbledore to take you all out to a long lunch." Mrs. Potter instructed.

The crowd soon parted. Dorcas was linked with Marlene, Remus and Peter had their arms around Sirius and James and Lily was bringing up the rear talking to Peter's girlfriend about her favorite parts of the game. Once Dorcas saw James's parents waiting she let go of Marlene and joined up with Lily and Heather.

"It was nice to see you again Mrs. Potter." Lily nodded politely, before linking arms with Dorcas. "Enjoy your dinner," she said to Marlene and the boys, before moving to walk away from them.

"Lily," Mrs. Potter called after her with a strict tone.

Lily turned in confusion.

"I don't know where you three think you are going. You are absolutely coming with us. I will not take no for an answer."

Dorcas shared a look with the other two and shrugged, "I'm game."

"Do you have to go anywhere Heather?" Lily asked quietly.

The timid blond Hufflepuff shook her head.

"Well then we are in too," Lily smiled, "Thank you."

"Can we at least shower first?" Marlene asked gesturing to her muddy jersey.

Mrs. Potter snorted sarcastically, "No Marlene, you have to stay disgusting."

Mr. Potter wrapped an arm around his wife. "We will meet all of you in the Great Hall in about an hour."

"Thanks dad," James grinned as the group separated from the adults to clean up.

* * *

Heather stayed with them and waited with Dorcas and Lily in the Gryffindor common room. She admitted, "This is a bit weird."

"Being invited to James Potter's birthday dinner?" Dorcas asked, "I agree, but I never say no to free food."

"Are you friends with them Lily?" Heather asked in her usual light quiet tone.

"I suppose so." Lily said, feeling a little out of place.

Remus and Peter came down quickly, Marlene, Sirius and James quickly followed. Lily stood up and asked, "Everyone all set?"

"Yes mum," Remus teased putting his hands on her shoulders and leading her forward.

If someone had told Lily even a month ago that she would be sitting in between Remus and Mrs. Potter at the three broomsticks, celebrating James's birthday she wouldn't have believed it. Sitting there, she still didn't believe it. A few more people came along once they arrived to the cavern. James's favorite and only cousin Amy came with her newborn baby Anna. Marlene's sister Mackenzie, her husband Corey and their toddler came along too.

"Do you want to hold her?" Amy asked, Dorcas and Sirius gesturing to the baby.

Both of them scooted back in their chairs and raised their hands in defense. "No thank you."

"What is with your aversion to babies?" Marlene scoffed at them as she played with her nephew.

"It's not weird. Not everyone wants kids. I don't like children." Dorcas stated firmly. "They are like little demons, in cute clothes."

Sirius nodded in agreement. "They have alternative motives and I don't trust that."

James took baby Anna easily and rocked her back and forth with an easy smile. "You are mad Padfoot. They are so cute."

"Yes that's because you were raised to love children. I was raised to be good looking," Sirius shrugged flicking his elegant black hair out of his face. "We all have different functions."

Across the table Lily sat, shaking her foot nervously. She wanted to thank Mrs. Potter for this, but she didn't know quite what to say. "Um thank you for inviting us."

Mrs. Potter smiled at her, "You are more than welcome. I like to think all of my son's friends are my children, especially Sirius," She admitted to Lily, "I didn't think I could have kids, but we were blessed with James and I've always wanted a lot of children so this just made sense to take them all in."

Lily grinned at her answer. "I can see that. Though Sirius and James must be a handful."

"Oh yes," She gestured to her graying hair, "Any grey in there was brought by the pair of them, but I wouldn't have it any other way. How about you? What's your story?"

"I have a dad and a sister…my mother passed a few years ago."

"I'm sorry to hear that…So I'm correct in guessing you help your father?"

Lily nodded timidly.

"You just have a take charge air about you." Mrs. Potter explained. "Are you close with your sister?"

"Not really…It's mostly me and my dad."

"She doesn't like you being a witch?" She asked intuitively.

Lily shook her head, "No…I think she started off being jealous, but then it shifted into her think I'm …I'm a freak."

"And that's why you work so hard academically, because you want to prove your sister wrong, because you worry that she might be right about you."

Not able to speak. Lily was overwhelmed, her eyes became glassy and she tensed up.

"And then when you came to Hogwarts you thought you'd be welcomed, but you were spit on and prejudiced against because of your blood status. Yet another thing you couldn't control and felt the need to prove wrong. So you feel like you don't belong anywhere, because no one accepts you."

Lily's lip began to tremble, and stared determinedly at the dinner top. James's mother had completely understood her within two hours of knowing her.

Mrs. Potter smiled at her, and put her hand on Lily's. "But what you don't see is that you don't need any of them, because you belong here."

Lily glanced up through her tear-tinted eyes and saw what Mrs. Potter was talking about. Marlene was laughing loudly at something her sister had said while she bounced her nephew on her lap. Dorcas convinced Heather to help her throw food at Peter. Remus was talking to McKenzie's husband and Amy about over sea's government while cradling baby Anna. James and Sirius were attempting to have a discussion with Mr. Potter and Mackenzie in appalling French accents. It then hit her like a ton of bricks. All of them loved her and accepted her. She never needed to prove anything to them. They loved her because of who she was, not who she was trying to make herself be.

Mrs. Potter gave her hand a squeeze. "I know it's easy to forget sometimes, but everyone has a purpose and from what my sons and daughter tell me, you seem to have a very big one."

"Sweetheart," Mr. Potter said to his wife pulling her attention away from Lily. "The cake is here."

"Oh yes!"

Everyone began singing Happy Birthday to James, including Lily, but her part wasn't as loud as it could have been. James blew out his candles and they all cheered, but Lily cried a little because Mrs. Potter was right, for the first time in her life she felt apart of something bigger than herself, and it made her happier than she could ever imagine it would have. She'd always wanted to be somewhere and feel like this, but after everything with Severus and Petunia she had given up on it. But now, she saw it. Everyone was around her laughing and smiling. No one was ashamed to be near her. They specifically asked for her to come and welcomed her into their group.

Her eyes caught onto James as he was holding and she smiled at him brightly, her eyes shining.

"Alright everybody," Marlene called pulling out a camera, "I'm taking a big picture with everybody and then one with everybody individually with the birthday boy."

"Don't be ridiculous," Corey said, pushing his sister in law back and taking the camera, "You have to be in the picture."

Marlene laughed at his expression, but wrapped her arms around James and Mr. Potter. "On three!"

"ONE, TWO THREE!" All fifteen of them shouted in unison.

"Okay now individuals!" Marlene said excitedly.

Lily watched with a smile as Marlene orchestrated the whole thing. First James took a picture with his dad, their arms were around each other as they grinned. For the next one James scooted over and forced his mother to sit in the same chair as him, wrapping his arms around her tightly pushing his face against hers. In the next few pictures James got a bit out of hand; with Sirius he had Sirius carry him bridal style, for Remus James sat in his lap and put a birthday hat on his head like a five year old, and with Peter James allowed him to pour ketchup all over his face. The next few pictures were a little more respectable, James just held Marlene's nephew as he smiled with Mackenzie and Corey. With Amy, James held her baby and drapped his arm around his cousin fondly. Then Lily took the camera from Marlene and ordered Marlene to get with James. This was perhaps Lily's favorite of all the pictures, because without a word, Marlene rested her head into the crook of James's neck and linked her arms around his torso, while he kissed her forehead. It was so cute, because they really were like siblings.

Lily gave the camera back to Marlene and was about to sit back down, when Marlene caught her. "Where do you think you're going? You're next!"

Lily was about to protest when she stumbled into James. Her eyes lifted to his and she laughed nervously, "Um what do you want to do?"

He shrugged, "We can just take a normal one if you'd like."

She nodded.

Nervously she slung her arm around his waist, and he hesitantly rested his arm on her shoulder, but they were still an inch or two apart.

"Guys...Can you work with me here?" Marlene groaned.

Sirius nodded, in between bites, "Yeah act like you guys like each other."

They laughed and James pulled her into his side. Lily allowed herself to squeeze him tighter and rest her head back on his shoulder with a small smile.

"Alright, I got it." Marlene smirked triumphantly, before returning to her seat.

Lily was about to move away when James pulled her into a hug. "I'm glad you came," He whispered into her ear, sending shivers down her spine.

She grinned back, "Me too."


	36. Bleeding Out

_You tell me to hold on_  
_Oh you tell me to hold on_  
_But innocence is gone_  
_And what was right is wrong_

**-Imagine Dragons-**

* * *

"We'll be back in a couple of hours." Sirius told Marlene, she sat on the edge of James's bed.

"Okay, don't get arrested," She laughed, "Because I'm not bailing you idiots out of jail."

He walked over, took her in his arms and scooped her up into a kiss. "I make, no-promises."

Marlene rolled her eyes, but backed away from Sirius the instant she heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Both of the amusement faded from their faces as Sirius had to sit away from her. They had successfully kept their relationship a secret for awhile now, but as the school near was only two months from being over, it was beginning to wear on them both. Neither one of them would say it, but it hung between them.

Remus and Peter walked in, "Everything's all set. James is waiting downstairs." Peter announced with a smile.

"Have fun." Marlene told them with a half forced smile.

She walked down with them and went back to her room without another word. Sirius thought to say something to her, but he couldn't think of what he would say so he let her go. Instead he looked at James, thought of all the things they had planned and said, "Well boys, it's time."

* * *

Lily checked in to do her patrol. She waited a few minutes for her partner to show up, but the Ravenclaw sixth year never showed up so she just went alone. It didn't bother her at all to be by herself. She much preferred it, especially considering the busy day she'd had. For the first time ever, she considered James. On her own she didn't have to fear anyone asking what she was thinking. She could just …think.

It started off simple, her thinking of what it would be like to go on a date with him while she wandered around the third floor, the idea of his lips on hers lingering when she passed the Great Hall. The strangest thing was that the thought of them kissing didn't scare her anymore. He didn't scare her anymore. They'd gotten to a point where she trusted him and knew he wouldn't hurt her. There was a lie blocking her from seeing the truth. She fancied James, it was there and she couldn't ignore it anymore. She had to be mad for feeling this way. It not a good idea to fancy James, but it wasn't a choice. Lily always liked to think she was perfectly in control of her actions and could chose where her life was going at all times, but she realized something. Liking someone is involuntary, it just…happens and there is nothing anyone can do to stop or control it.

When she rounded the dungeons to do one last check threw, she wondered if she should tell James how she felt. It seemed such a simple thing to do, but now that the idea had presented itself to her it made her want to throw up. Sure he had said how he felt countless times and proved that he was sincere, but how the hell was she supposed to bring this up to him after all the times she had rejected him? Lily let out a large sigh, and spun around to go back up the stairs. All she had left to do was check back in at McGonagall's office, which wasn't enough time at all for her to figure out what to do about James.

There was a noise behind her, and she sighed in annoyance, taking out her wand. "If it's you four, I'm going to lose my mind! I told you not to-"

"You told us what?" Four Slytherin boys crept out of an empty classroom with sneers high on their faces.

Lily gulped, but tried to not seem afraid of them. If she showed fear then they would feast on it like vultures. "What are you doing out of bed?"

"Well," Nott began, glaring at her, "Mudblood, that really isn't what you should be focusing on. What you should be worried about is what we are going to do to you."

"What are you talking about?" She snapped back, more confidently then she felt.

Lestrange spoke this time, his voice was much colder than the other three. "Well you think because you are friends with blood traitors that the rules don't apply to you. But that's the thing. We are going to torture you, and we're gonna kill your friends for affiliating with you."

"And why would you do that?" She questioned sharply, "I've done absolutely nothing to you…Let me guess you want to hurt me because of my blood status, which was chosen for me at birth. If you truly that I was inferior to you, you wouldn't bother with me."

He paused for a moment, and took one final step forward, his eyes hardening on hers.

Nott slapped a hand on Lestrange's shoulder with a smirk, "You talk too much. We can help you with that."

Lily didn't wait for him to act. She shouted a hex, hurling him backwards and knocking two of the boys over by the sheer force of it.

Then, she ran.

She ran faster than she thought she was capable. She flicked a few curses behind her, but they blocked them easily and were much faster than she. There was only one professor that lived down there and with Slughorn's hearing he would never notice anything.

Lily was completely on her own.

* * *

Her blood rushed to her face, her hair rippled in the wind and she tried to think of something anything to stall them. She wouldn't make it to the main floor. Her steps were clumsily as she moved in an erratic pattern so she wouldn't get hit by any of the curses flying by her, but just before she reached the top her legs were tied together and she dropped to the floor her mouth and forehead smacking on the steps. She let out an involuntary groan and fought out of her binds though she knew that it was no use. Blood from her mouth dripped down from her teeth to her chin while her head bruised.

"Oh I don't know why you muggleborns bother," Nott sneered, kneeling next to her squirming body, kicking her over so she was flat on her back. "All of you will die, slowly and painfully."

"Enough chit chat mate. This bitch gave me a fat lip…. Crucio," Avery growled, pointing his wand under her throat.

Lily screamed, she screamed so loud she thought the whole world was shaking around her. All rationality vanished from her mind. Her bones were on fire, she was going to die, she was sure of it. Her body shook violently thrashing to put the fire out, but nothing helped. She cried and cried, and pleaded them to stop, but they didn't the pain just got worse until she just begged for them to just kill her.

Death was better than this.

Lying on her side, her body slammed back down on the stairs repeatedly. One of her ribs cracked, then another, then her forearm. She was crying so hard, she couldn't see, her eyes burned in agony. This was how she was going to she going to die, helpless and alone.

"Enough." A dark voice said in the distance.

And her body dropped, it was still twitching in pain, but the curse was lifted. She choked and she clutched her ribs with her healthy arm to breathe.

One of them started, "But-"

"If you kill her here, there are consequences. The dark lord doesn't take in wizards who are too irrational and reckless to make it to graduation. Besides…she's making far too much noise."

Nott scoffed, "You promised us blood."

"And you got it, besides, there are four blood traitors headed for the castle, as, we, speak." The voice spoke again, this time Lily recognized it.

"Fine," Avery snarled, "Let her go."

"But-"

"I said," Avery sighed furiously, "Let her up, but," His mouth dropped an inch away from her face, releasing her legs from the leg-locking curse. "Just know little mudblood that we are going to burn you and everyone who loves you into the ground."

She tensed when he looked like he might move towards her, but he didn't. All four of them walked past her, some stumbling. One kicked her on the way up, but the pain was nothing like the raw piercing shooting pains coming from her arm and side. Everytime she tried to breath she had to hold her side, when she didn't she couldn't breathe, she tried, but she just started choking. Blood had dried on her chin and that was all she could taste while she used her good arm to swipe the heavy stream of tears out of her eyes. It took a few tries but she stopped crying, the shaking however didn't stop. No matter what she did, she couldn't calm down. Her breathing was erratic and her bleeding lip was trembling.

She couldn't stay down, they could come back eventually, but her brain was working too fast for her to understand how to move. Lily scanned the stairs, praying that someone would come. Someone had to have heard her screaming, someone had to be on their way. Several times she screamed bloody murder for help, until her voice grew to hoarse to yell.

But after waiting for ten minutes she leaned back against the staircase wall and realized no one was going to come.

She was near the dungeons, no other house but Slytherin would have heard her scream, all of the their dorms were too far away. And no one in Slytherin would dare go looking for the source of the noise. Her friends were sound asleep and wouldn't notice her absence for hours.

No one was going to come rushing over.

No one would come looking for her.

No one was going to save her.

Fairytales that her mother used to her ran in her mind. Stories that told her when she was at her weakest the man of her dreams would run up, scoop her off to safety and she would never have to deal with bad guys again.

But that wasn't going to happen. There were many times in her life where she felt like she had no one and she had to pick herself up and put herself back together. She slowed her breathing and forced herself to focus. Her left side was throbbing so relentlessly she could barely see, but her right side was fine, she just had to angle herself on her good and push up. This would have been easier if she didn't have to hold herself to breathe right, but there wasn't anything she could do about that. She had to move and it was better now than later.

* * *

"Ughhhhh!" She cried when she moved, grabbing her wand off the floor as she struggled up the last few steps to the corridor leading to the great hall.

Sweat dripped down her spine, Lily leaned on the wall, her arm cupped under her, while she pushed forward to the hospital wing. Exhaustion was crippling her, but she gritted her blood-lined teeth and propelled herself forward. Tears wheeled up in her eyes from the torture she was fighting to ignore. She stopped for a moment to regroup when she heard the entrance doors bust open.

Her throat was aching, her skin was colorless and her emerald eyes were wide in fear as she leaned against the wall and silently begged it wasn't the Slytherin's back for round two. Lily gripped her wand and thought of the most destructive curses she could use. This time if they were going to knock her down she was going to take a few of them down with her. Hope rose in her chest when she recognized their voices. The first person she saw was Sirius.

She was so relieved she started crying. His handsome, wonderful face wasn't the thing she wanted to see first, but it was the best second place she'd ever seen.

Her face fell when she saw he had a black eye that had swollen shut, his lip was split broken and his shirt was full of blood, that wasn't his own. Peter came into view, his chest was slashed and he was slumped against the wall.

"What are we going to do?"

"Pete," Sirius groaned, "Can you walk at all?"

Peter nodded; he was much paler than he should be. "…Yeah…"

"Okay just, go sit in the Great Hall. I'll come and get you…after."

"Okay." Peter nodded, stumbling into the Great Hall slowly.

Lily inched forward to Sirius, to her salvation when Remus came into view, carrying James. His entire body was split apart. James's glasses were broken, his face was bruised and broken, it was clear that all the blood from Sirius's shirt had come from him.

"Did you hear what they said to him before they attacked?" Sirius breathed his grey eyes wide in worry as they moved.

Remus gasped and shook his head, "They said something about …this is for being a mudblood lover."

"They came at us like that…_over Lily_?" Sirius asked horrified.

Remus shrugged, "That's what they said."

"That's-"

Lily didn't hear anything else. Her eyes focused on James's limp body, she watched his head hang in the air while Remus and Sirius struggled to carry him over to the Hospital wing staircase. He looked lifeless, and that made her cry so hard her whole body shuddered with agony, but she didn't make a sound. She clamped her hand over her mouth and waited to move until they were gone.

She moved for the Great Hall and opened the door. "Peter…" She said ghostly.

He stood up off his hiding spot on the floor and strained himself by pushed himself up to his feet. "Lily…_Merlin_…"

"I need…" She took a breath and clenched her eyes close. "I need you to help me get to McGonagall."

"But," His eyes racked over her bleeding face. "The guys-"

"Peter," She cried, "I need to get to McGonagall and I can't get up all those stairs by myself. I need your help. You can leave a note for the guys. But you have to leave me out of it."

"Why?" He wanted to know.

"Because," She half-sobbed while he moved to her side, "It's my fault they're hurt in the first place."

Peter looked at her in horror. "How?"

"Because they wanted to hurt anyone …" She paused to wince, "Who is nice to muggleborns."

Peter noticeably stiffened and paled. "That's why we were attacked?"

"Yes, which is why you can't tell them about this. You have to say you just went to McGonagall yourself…" She let out a low cry of distress when they made up another staircase. "And leave me out of it."

Peter didn't say anything. He was sickened, but more so he was terrified. His best friend was barely breathing and Lily was …a complete and total wreck, but she was still fighting so he held onto what little hope he had left. Their cause would win, because they were still here and as long as they just kept fighting the Death Eaters. It wasn't a large chance, but he had to believe that Lily had a plan, that James and Sirius had a plan, and more importantly that Dumbledore had a plan.

He helped Lily, and she did need the help, she wouldn't have made it up the steps without him, but he had a feeling she was so upset that she would have found a way to make it. Her eyes were full of tears and every few steps he saw her begin to cry, but then quickly tug herself back together again. He'd seen Marlene cry before, she started off silent and then just shook until she cried so hard she had to take a nap to calm down. Dorcas on the other hand looked like a basset hound when she cried, she was loud, and broke heart with every sob. Lily, he discovered with discomfort wasn't like that. She didn't make much sound, because she would right herself as soon as a noise was heard. He did however notice there was a certain resilience in her eyes, something that was present in his other two friends, but seemed to be stemmed differently in her. Lily seemed to be gaining strength from her injuries when all logic said it should have weakened her.

When they arrived at McGonagall's office, she moved away from him and gave him a look. "Go back to the boys. Tell them nothing. Make something up. But please, please Peter don't mention seeing me."

"But, they'd want to know." Peter stammered in confusion.

"They'll get themselves killed… if they pick a fight with Death Eater's because of _this."_ Lily told him shaking her head. "Promise me Peter…_Please_," She pleaded.

And he frowned, "Okay Lily. I promise."

Lily offered him a smile but thought better of it, blood on her mouth wasn't the most reassuring thing and she didn't even need to leave him more upset. So she stumbled into McGonagall's office, shut the door and knocked on her bedroom door awkwardly.

* * *

There was a slur of swears that Lily didn't ever expect to hear from her Transfiguration professor. Lily lowered herself into the guest chair in front of McGonagall's desk, and laid back controlling her breaths carefully. Her thick red hair, disgusting, sweaty and mixed with blood fell in her face, but she didn't even bother to push it back. She was so far from caring, she didn't even grab a tissue of McGonagall's desk to try and clean herself up.

"Yes," McGonagall snapped harshly opening the door, in her robe with a hairnet on. "What am I woke up at this time fo-?" Her speech stopped when she

"'Lo Professor," Lily muttered in acknowledgement, "I had a little trouble on my rounds tonight."

"Dear lord." McGonagall said, rushing forward worriedly, her eyes scanning Lily's sunken eyes. "...Who did this to you Ms. Evans?"

Lily took a breath, grabbing her cracked ribs in irritation. "What's more important is why they did it."

"Why did someone do this to you?" She demanded.

"Because I'm a muggleborn," Lily answered flatly, clenching her jaw, "Professor, I need to see Rick McKinnon."

"No. We need to get you to see Madame Promfrey-"

"No," Lily shook her head sharply, "I can't go to the hospital wing. I need to see Marlene's brother. Now."

"Why?" McGonagall asked taken aback by Lily's firm tone.

Lily's eyes lifted, their gaze was weak at first but firmed up after a moment, "Because I didn't stand a chance against them...No matter what I did, it didn't matter...and I need to make sure this doesn't happen again."


	37. Soldier

_Where did all the people go?_  
_They got scared when the lights went low._  
_I'll get you through it nice and slow_  
_When the world's spinning out of control_

**-Gavin DeGraw-**

* * *

"Has anybody seen Lily?" Marlene asked curiously, seeing Lily's made bed.

"No," Dorcas frowned. "Maybe she left earlier to study for …something."

"Yeah…maybe." Marlene shrugged it off and left without looking for her. Not knowing she didn't have to look far to find Lily.

Lily was just worn out and completely emotionally drained. She needed sleep but was too jumpy to lay in her bed. It had been hours since everything had happened, but she still couldn't shake the feeling of being under the cruciatus curse. It lingered in her very bones, leaving her rattled and unable to completely calm down. She just kind of wanted to sit somewhere safe for a while and try and calm down. Her classes started hours ago, but for the first time in Lily's life she wasn't going to be there. She should have felt guilty, but for some reason, all she could feel was numb.

She'd heard that Sirius had grown up with this as a punishment and Marlene had suffered that curse for who knows how many hours. Both of them had shaken it off. Marlene went to class the minute she was released from the hospital wing. Lily had only had gone through it for a half hour and she didn't understand how they could have just moved on from it all. That's when it occurred to her that maybe they were just different kind of people. A special type that were made of stronger stuff because they had to be tough to face the life they were going to lead.

She heard a knock on the door, her face dropped and she didn't know what to do. Her lip was still swollen, she had bruises everywhere, her hair was wild and tangled, she looked horrible. What like could she make up that would be remotely believable?

A breath of relief escaped her lips when Dorcas slipped inside. Dorcas was level headed and wouldn't overreact, she would keep her cool and not make Lily feel any worse. For a second, her dark brown eyes just surveyed Lily carefully, taking in every bump, every dark circle, every imperfection on Lily's face. She was in pair of sweats and wasn't wearing any make-up yet. It was funny to Lily how Dorcas could pull off being twenty something with make-up, but without it she looked about sixteen years old. Still even when she looked like a sixteen year old, she still had the power to see through every façade and now who a person really was. There was a moment where Lily thought Dorcas might fuss over how beaten up Lily looked, because Dorcas had yet to say anything, but the moment passed.

Dorcas sat down next to her, cross-legged and said. "So what happened?"

Lily didn't even consider lying to her. There was just no point. She explained in a calm quietly voice and then sighed. "I wouldn't go to the hospital wing, so McGonagall had Promfrey come and heal me in her office. I had two cracked ribs and I broke my forearm, but they were all clean breaks so it healed easily. I'm still a bit sore."

"Understandably so." Dorcas nodded, curling her knees into her chest, like a cat.

"Don't tell Marlene." Lily said her eyes on Dorcas. "The last thing I need is her going all mama bear on me and picking a fight with some Slytherin's."

"Won't they be expelled?"

Lily frowned, her face tightening. "Dumbledore can expel them, but the thing is, the school governors can overrule him if they see fit. And since all four of them have a relative on the board…"

"They will say that you have a vendetta against the boys and say there were no witnesses to attest the crime." Dorcas finished in a thin tone.

"Exactly." Lily muttered softly.

"And because you are muggleborn, no one will believe you over purebloods."

Lily nodded, resting her head back on the cabinets, her eyes filled with emotionless tears. "Yep."

"God ," Dorcas let out a low whistle, leaning back, "this sucks."

Lily laughed humorously, wiping her face. "Yeah, it does."

"What are you going to do about it?" Dorcas asked giving her a look.

"I talked to Rick, he's going to teach me self defense. He said I didn't have the kind of power to use the method's he taught Marlene and that's why I couldn't get those. I have to wait till a few days till I'm not so sore to start though."

Dorcas shrugged, "That might be legit. She's small, but she's freakishly strong. I'm sure she could lift her own body weight if she needed to and that's slightly unnatural."

"Yeah and McGonagall's teaching me how to duel properly after classes."

"That's actually kind of cool. I feel like she'll teach you shit they don't cover in textbooks."

"Yeah." Lily responded blankly.

Dorcas pursed her lips. "I know you aren't ready now, but eventually you have to tell Mar. Especially since Rick is helping you out."

"I know."

"I only say it, because I know how private you can get."

Lily didn't say anything, her eyes glistened more, and without knowing it tears had slipped down her face.

Dorcas didn't look, but she reached over and gripped Lily's hand tightly. "You'll be alright you know."

"Are you asking or telling?"

"Telling." Dorcas answered flatly, her voice full of more confidence than Lily was expecting.

"…Thanks Dora."

She let go of her hand and smiled faintly. "It's what I'm here for."

"I'm going to lay low for the rest of the day, can you make up something for everyone?"

"Yeah…What are you going to do about Potter though? You can't just not be friends with him now, he'd notice and demand to know why. He's not like the type to go away."

Lily shrugged without a single clue how to answer that. "I have no idea."

"Well," She patted Lily on the leg. "You'll figure it out. In the meantime I'm going to go get some lunch. If you need me I'll be in Charms and then I have to work with Lupin on our project later today. So I therefore will be in the library."

"How's that going?"

Dorcas paused with a shrug, "He doesn't act like a dick anymore, but he still doesn't like me, but I guess that's better than it was so I can't really be upset about that."

"He'll come around." Lily told her reassuringly.

"That's the thing, he shouldn't have to come around. He's built me up to be a horrible person in his head for a reason and I just wish I knew what that reason was so I could show him how stupid he's being."

Lily gave her a weak smile. "That's the thing. He knows he's being stupid. I don't think he even knows why, which means it's a ridiculous reason."

"Probably…Well…See you."

"See you."

Lily eventually got up, went to her bed, shut all the curtains and crawled under her covers. She didn't sleep. Sleep found her soon, but not before she worried about what her father would say when he heard the news. In her best efforts she had tried to keep him from knowing. She argued that she was seventeen and therefore was legally responsible for herself, but McGonagall wouldn't hear of it. McGonagall said that it was policy to send parents letters if anything happens to their children, no matter how old they were. This was going to get harder; every day from this point out was going to be a struggle now. There was no pretending anymore. She didn't fit in, and she never was going to.

There were two ways she could take this. She could bow out gracefully, which would save herself a lot of time and a lot of energy. Or she could stay here for a few days, sulk, heal, steal some of Marlene's chocolate, eventually go back to school and tell all of them to go fuck themselves.

She chose option 2.

* * *

The next day Dorcas walked Lily to McGonagall's office before heading to lunch herself. She had talked Lily into taking off the entire week. Most people wouldn't have been able to pull that off this late into the semester, but Lily had her homework done for the rest of the month. So after some schmoozing, Dorcas had McGonagall to convince her to take some time to get back up to full speed before going back. It wasn't so no one would see her bruises or scars. Dorcas knew that Lily had nothing to be ashamed of, but she wanted her friend to be confident and ready before jumping in with the wolves. If Lily came back without herself together, she'd get ripped apart and Dorcas wasn't going to let that happen.

Sitting next to Peter and James, she grabbed a plate and looked at the boys. "Well what's new?"

"Nothing much commander," James shrugged, "Have you seen Lily?"

Dorcas shook her head lying easily. "She's still visiting her cousin."

Marlene voice cut through their conversation, from her spot a few people down. "I don't understand why you date someone who treats you so poorly."

"Because I can't stand being alone!" Mary retorted boldly, "I freely admit it! I hate being single. I like knowing at the end of the day that there will be someone there that likes me."

"That is just…so sad." Marlene gaped, her face set in a deep frown. "Mary you are a good person and you should respect yourself enough to wait for someone who will treat you right."

"You should talk," Mary scoffed sharply, "You're the one with a secret boyfriend."

Remus, and Peter paused their conversation to listen while James and Dorcas shared a look. Sirius on the other hand became perfectly still from on the other side of Peter. "What makes you say that?"

"I can tell." Mary rolled her eyes, ruffling her short blonde ringlets. "And before you hand me that speech that dad no doubt taught you about, 'loving yourself before you can love anyone else,' just know that I know you little sis. You've been overly happy in a bouncy way."

"That doesn't mean-"

Her sister cut her off and continued as if she never paused. "So I think you should be worried less about my love life and more about the fact that you snog a guy who wants to keep you a secret. I mean that sounds like he's ashamed of you, to me. Because, before you ask why I think that, if you were so happy with this guy why wouldn't he want to show off to the whole world that he's snogging you? You aren't the snog and run type of bird Mar. So why doesn't this guy think that highly of you?" Molly checked her watch, "Shite! I have to run! I promised to meet Nate for a snog date. Bye!"

Marlene didn't even say goodbye to her sister. She just sat there with a glimmer of tears in her eyes, her whole body sunken in like all the happiness had just been kicked out of her. After a moment she leaned back and just stared at the table, not hearing anything around her. Remus looked at Peter nervously, unsure of whether he should say something to her and acknowledge he had heard the whole thing or leave her alone. It was hard to say which option was better.

Everyone around Marlene besides them was chatting merrily; no one had noticed her mood shift. The saddest thing was that there was a difference between being cruel and being harshly honest. Being honest was supposed to help the other person and make them face reality, like Dorcas always tried to do. Marlene's older sister was just rude. She didn't look to see if her words upset Marlene. Mary didn't care if she said one of the most hurtful things she could say to Marlene, because she wasn't saying it for her little sisters own good. She was saying it for her own.

Dorcas whispered to them both, her face full of anger and disgust, "Don't say anything to her."

Peter's face dropped, "But…shouldn't we?"

"Her sister," Dorcas began running her tongue along her lip furiously, "isn't a very good person, but if we say something Marlene will just pretend like she's fine. Her big thing is putting her feelings aside to make everyone else feel better. Just…let her feel."

"I can't believe she said that. I don't even think Marlene is seeing anyone."

Marlene rose to her feet and left the room, not looking at any of them as she left.

Dorcas scoffed sending Sirius a knowing look before turning back to the boys. "It doesn't matter, because if Marlene has a nerve, _that was it._ And her sister just rammed into it. It's not a guy that's the problem. It's the fact that after being the youngest of six kids, you start to think you won't matter and that you aren't special. Her dating choices have just highlighted that insecurity."

Remus felt a rush of guilt. "It's_ my fault._"

"No," Dorcas told him immediately, her voice scolding him, though her eyes were kind. "She knew what you were about when she asked you out. She likes to fix people, but she never feels like she's special, like anyone would go out of their way to fix her. That was instilled in her a long time before you got near her."

Remus looked stunned at Dorcas's sincerity, while Peter gave Dorcas a thoughtful look, "How do you know this?"

"Girls talk about things." She shrugged, moving her fork around in her half eaten soup. "And after a while if you know someone well enough you begin to see what they really think of themselves when no one else is looking."

Nudging her with a smile, Peter said, "So you think you are the greatest all the time then?"

Dorcas smiled, but it quite didn't reach her eyes. "That's right Pete."

* * *

Hours later Remus and Dorcas sat in the back of library. They'd already finished their charms project and had moved onto Potions. Dorcas had her hair back in a messy bun and was in the middle of fighting of a hand cramp. Remus had lowered his quill and was glancing out the window at the fog that was swallowing the grounds.

"Did you finish?" Dorcas asked simply in a soft tone.

He blinked and looked up guiltily. "Sorry…no. I just…I was distracted."

"By the fog?"

"Not really…just something Lily said…" He looked into her deep brown eyes and frowned, "I'm sorry I've been a prick to you. You honestly haven't done anything to deserve it."

Dorcas said, "Why then?"

"I just…I think I was mad that you just called me out…"

"Which time?" Dorcas questioned wryly raising an eyebrow.

He laughed, his face lightened up, "Good point…I was referring to when you told me I was a…well you know and then told me how I was treating Marlene was unfair."

"Well you are a werewolf, and you were being a dick to Marlene." Dorcas countered.

"I know that, but…you just…you're so aggressive. You're so sure of yourself, and it just…it bothers me. I don't know why."

Dorcas gave him an exasperated look, before running her hand over her face. "What is with you people? Honestly? You all need some goddamn therapy. You are all not that hard to figure out, and it's ridiculous how you can't see anything clearly."

"And why can you?" He wanted to know.

She paused, a little thrown off. "…I live near a library…I always liked psychology and sociology…I think understanding people is the first step to being able to know how to interact with them."

Remus didn't expect that answer, but he found he was greatly impressed with it. "Then explain something to me, why do you bother me?"

"Uh…well…maybe because you seem to think I have everything figured out because I seem extremely self confident and I go after what I want, which you envy, because you wish you were that way." She replied hesitantly.

He frowned, leaning backwards processing her retort thoroughly. Of course he hadn't thought about it that way. Over the past few weeks she had shown him a different way to look at things, whether he had wanted to look or not. She was incredibly smart, and quite sharp. Remus thought about why people did things, but he never thought how every decision people made were connected to how they'd been treated and what they had.

Dorcas blushed, and glanced away. "You're staring Lupin."

"Sorry…" He laughed again, feeling odd that he'd laughed now twice at something she'd said.

She scratched the back of her neck and smiled. "It's fine…um, but you still haven't said anything."

"What is there to say? You're right."

"Oh…I was just guessing." She shook her head. "It's funny, you're hard to read. So I thought I might have gotten it wrong."

Remus grabbed his quill and went back to working. "Most people do…but you aren't."

Her face warmed at this compliment. "Oh."

For a few minutes they didn't say anything there were just scratches of the quills writing on the parchment, but then every once and a while he would glance up at her. He'd see her chocolate brown hair curve into her tan face and see her roll her lips when she grew worn and tired of working.

Dorcas didn't notice him looking, because no one was ever looking at her so she never looked up.


	38. Belief

Tonight, you arrested my mind  
When you came to my defense  
With a knife  
In the shape of your mouth

**-Gavin DeGraw-**

* * *

James tucked his hands into his pocket and walked through moon lit halls to the Astronomy tower. He normally would never go here, but as students were banned from leaving their dormitory after dark it wasn't likely to be infested with hormonal couples until the next day.

He tried to sleep, but couldn't the night before still bothered him. Why had they been ambushed so viciously? And why did it seem to be the most directed at him? It just didn't make sense. The Slytherin's had always fought with them, but not like that, not in that way.

Automatically he turned to leave when he saw a petite girl sitting on the edge of the Astronomy tower smoking. He didn't want to interrupt or bother her, but he stopped when he realized he recognized the girl.

"Meadowes," James said softly, before walking up behind her.

Dorcas jumped, but relaxed when she saw his face. "Oh it's just you Potter. I thought it was a prefect coming to scold me."

"Well," He paused for a minute while he hiked himself up onto the ledge to sit beside her, "We'll both get more than just a scolding if we are out here. Dumbledore is starting to really crack down on enforcing the laws."

She shrugged, before putting the cigarette between her lips, inhaling and letting out a long breath. "Don't tell Marlene you caught me with this. She'll lecture me off a cliff if she hears I was smoking."

"I won't say anything," He shrugged. She offered him two, he lit the first one and took a puff, quickly finishing it. "Marlene get's a bit too motherly some times."

"We all have our roles." Dorcas said calmly curling her legs up into her chest. "Sirius is the prodigal son that's always in trouble. You are the father that had kids young so you switch from treating him like a brother and a son. Remus is the moody middle child, with the most insecurity that broods in his room with his books. Peter is the youngest

"Where do you fit into that scenario?"

"I don't." She replied simply taking the end of her burnt bud and extinguishing it against the building.

He expected to look over and find her looking hurt by her own accusation, but she didn't. She seemed to just be in a deeper mood, beyond taking offense to facts. "What are you doing up here?"

"Thinking."

"Do you want to be alone?"

"No. Not really." She admitted quietly. "I just…I receive a letter a month ago, from my father."

James eyed her curiously. He had heard from Marlene that she wasn't on good terms from her father, but by the detached empty look on her face, he saw that it went deeper than that. "What did it say?"

"That since I am of age in this world I should find somewhere else to live for the summer." She replied simply not looking at him. "I have some gold saved up. I just …I don't know why it surprised me. I knew that he would kick me out the first time the opportunity presented itself, but when it happened…It kind of kicked me in the teeth."

"You wanted to be proven wrong." He answered knowingly, "You wanted to believe that if you built up the worst version of the situation in your head that you would be ready if it happened."

"But I wasn't." Dorcas replied in tone two pitches higher than her normal voice.

"Have you talked to-"

"No and I'd appreciate it if you kept this conversation between us." She told him quickly, holding herself tighter.

James lit the cigarette she had given him and took a long drag. He watched the smoke leave his mouth before glancing out at the grounds. "I won't say anything. I know how Lily and Marlene will be about it."

"I love them, I do…but despite Lily bitching about her sister, and Marlene being angry at her siblings for not helping more with her mother…" She paused her body became still though her eyes were glassy with tears. "They still have a family. It may not be what they would have chosen to have, but Lily's father would give his life for her and I think even her heartless sister would help her if she was forced to and Marlene means the world to her family." For the first time since James sat down next to her she looked at him. The way she looked at him was so honest that his own chest clenched. "You have your parents, and Sirius has you and your parents. Peter has his mum, Remus has his parents, but…at the end of the day I have nothing." She laughed to herself bitterly, "I'm not even mad about it either, because none of us chose this. I didn't chose for my mother to die or for my father and step-mother to turn each other into monsters. I didn't choose to have nothing. It was just the life handed to me, and at the end of the day there's nothing I can do about it."

James wanted to tell her she didn't have nothing. He did, he really did, but he couldn't say that, because…well, he saw her point. Friends can be like family. Marlene and Lily had obviously become like that for Dorcas and she had seen how like with Sirius how you can literally become a member of a family you weren't born into, but it wasn't the same thing. Dorcas wasn't kicked out young enough to find another, better family to raise her into an adult, but it didn't happen. She was never saved. Sure she went to her friend's houses and found other places to be, but she didn't ever ask anyone to take her in permanently and nobody ever saw the need to do so. They saw Dorcas, put together, never showing the damage that had been done and thought she was fine.

But she wasn't. She was just really good at taking care of herself and making her life good enough to ignore what she had to endure at home. James had always thought Sirius's parents were the worst, and they were, but Dorcas's were a close second. It was a horrible thing to have your parents physically hurt you. The thing of it though there's a part of your brain, the part that protects you from harm and wants only good things in life that thinks maybe they are doing this out of some misguided view of love and that they do, deep down, want the best for you. When that idea dies, they can go right to rage and it is possible to leave that situation and feel that it wasn't your fault. It doesn't happen all the time, usually the child ends up blaming themselves in one way or another, but when your parents don't hit you it hurts more. Physical abuse is temporary and causes emotional damage, but when there isn't physical abuse, the victims trick themselves into thinking they are crazy, into thinking all the things that were said and done were actually their fault because there was no violence involved.

And he needed her to understand that it wasn't her fault, and that she wasn't isolated or alone.

He took a breath and said; "You know the summer before fourth year my mum went on this spree of information. I'd already known about sex and a bunch of things, but she felt the need to inform me about everything that I was mature enough to handle. It was like she was in this frantic state for me to know things." James looked at Dorcas and continued, "She took me to see this ward and see five children. Three of them were physically abused and the other two were specifically emotionally abused. I talked to them for an hour and after I asked her why she had taken me there."

James took a final puff before letting the cigarette fall off the tower. "She pulled me aside and she said, 'Jay, abuse occurs any time that one person assumes some type of unwanted control over another person, whether it be direct or implied. Now emotional abuse is often hard to spot or define because it often does not leave physical evidence. This fact can leave the victim feeling as if he or she is not really being abused, when in fact they are. Our society doesn't recognize this type of abuse as important since its boundaries are not definitive and the proof of the abuse if often invisible."

He looked down, and said in a very tight voice, "I asked her why she was telling me this and why it was so important to her and she said because her mother, my grandmother, who had been dead long before my birth, used to tell her for her entire life that she wasn't good enough. She would spend hours forcing that into her head and her father did nothing to stop her mother. He was indifferent, and that broke her heart more than anything else could. She said indifference is worse than outright rage, because you don't even care enough to do something about it… Then she said the reason why she brought that up then was because she wanted me to know, how good my life was and that I should appreciate it, but more than anything else that I should know that any good things in my life aren't there, because I'm lucky, but because I deserve them."

There were tears streaming down Dorcas's face, but other than the occasionally sniffle she didn't make a sound.

"I know you don't have any family and I'm not going to make a speech about how we are your family, because then it makes it sound like what happened to you is in the past and doesn't matter." James told her barely above a whisper. "What I am going to say is that you are right, none of use choose the hand we are dealt, but that doesn't mean that what we do get we deserve. Your father's actions are his and his alone. Nothing you have done warrants or merits anything he has ever said or done. You don't have to go back to that house." James paused, reaching over and clamping a supportive hand on her shoulder, "You are free."

Dorcas smiled through her tears, and even gave a small little laugh. "Yeah…I guess you're right…I guess I am."

"And by the way, if you don't feel like getting a flat. We have a bunch of guest bedrooms. Don't feel obligated at all, but I warn you…if I mention the possibility you will receive a letter from my mother ordering you to do so." James laughed himself, taking his hand away from her. "I swear I think she would adopt an entire village and mother it if she could."

"What about your dad?"

"I think every time he see's a new kid in the house, he just shakes his head and laughs, but then hours later in his study he links about the fact that he could have family Quidditch tournament…and then he gets excited." James grinned, "My dad acts all tough, but he comes from a family of softies. The Potter's just want everyone to act right and be nice."

Dorcas snorted at that. "That sounds adorable."

"Well they are gone now, but my grandparents were the cutest people ever." He admitted, slipping the pocket watch out of his pocket. "My grandfather had a watch just like this…and I'd always wanted one. Lily gave it to me for my birthday."

"Why did you want one?"

He sighed running his free hand through his wayward hair. "My great-grandparents gave my grandfather a watch with magical properties. It could only be opened when the girl he was supposed to spend the rest of his life with gave it to him. By the time my grandfather was twenty wasn't married and figured it would never work, when he met this girl. He fell in love with her, but had forgotten all about the watch until one day he asked her what time it was and she opened his pocket watch and told him. They were together for eighty years and never spent more than a night or two apart and even died on the same day."

Dorcas tilted her head. "And that's why you are so romantic."

He shrugged, "I'm just a great guy what can I say?"

Rolling her eyes she scoffed. "Well speaking of Lily I think you should really stick to the friend thing, because if you give her time and space I think she won't be able to not fall in the Potter trap."

"You think so?"

"I know so, but she's going to be really stressed out until we end school hence why we should all stay away from her. One year, she almost set my hair on fire."

James smirked, "Why can I see that?"

"Because you know her." Dorcas said with complete conviction.

"Well, I hope you're right." James shifted and jumped off the ledge to the floor. "Are you staying?"

"No, I'll come with. I think I just need a good dose of sleep."

* * *

They didn't talk much on the way back. They both had grown far too tired from the depth of their conversation to chat idly about things that didn't matter. James hoped that he had even in the smallest way put her mind at ease. But Dorcas was no longer thinking of herself.

Dorcas was with Lily when she had bought that watch. Marlene had encouraged Lily to buy all sorts of things that she knew James would like, but after a while she just wandered off on her own leaving the two of them alone.

"What about this?"

Lily scoffed, "Thanks Dora, but I'm not getting Potter a wallet."

"Yeah, but look at it, it's all fancy and shit, it has like a million departments…I don't even know why a guy would need that maybe sections."

Lily laughed, shaking her head, before she saw an old pocket watch in the antique section. It wasn't in the front and clearly wasn't going to be bought, but there was something about it that made her want to buy it. She couldn't even explain it.

Dorcas eyed her oddly and then saw what she was looking at. "You like the watch?"

"Yeah…is it stupid? Or too practical?"

The brunette shrugged. "It's your present. I don't know Potter very well. So I'm not really a good judge."

Lily frowned, "I think I'll get it."

"Cool." Dorcas asked the man behind the counter to see it. "Hey it has some magical properties on it."

Dorcas didn't mention it, but the reason it wouldn't open was because it had to be given to the owner's true love in order to be opened. At the time Dorcas didn't think much of it. She didn't believe in true love or soul mates or any of that crap, but then she saw James open the watch, the watch Lily had given him. Which meant that maybe soul mates did exist, most people just never got the chance to meet theirs, but whether Lily had liked it or not...she had met hers.

Arriving at the stairs to her dormitory, she gave James a smile. "I'll see you in class Potter."

"Till better times Commander," He saluted her before leaving.


	39. Look How Far We've Come

_Hang me on a limb_  
_And the current's coming in_  
_And the current's coming in again_

**-Imagine Dragons-**

* * *

"Thanks for doing this Rick." Marlene reached up and hugged her brother.

Her brother rolled his eyes at his sister darkly. "You know occasionally I like to be a good guy."

"Yes but you had to say 'occasionally," She teased before releasing him and giving Lily a supportive look. "I'll come back and walk with you to lunch all right."

Lily smiled, "Thanks Mar. You don't have to you know."

"Oh I know," Marlene hugged Lily and then whispered in her ear slightly threateningly, "But you didn't tell me for a week that anything happened so you aren't leaving my sight Ms. Lily."

Sighing, Lily smiled at her. "Okay! Okay!"

"Now," Marlene smiled, with an evil glint in her eyes backing out of the Transfiguration classroom. "I will be outside. Let me know if you need me."

"We won't. Bye Mar." Rick pushed her out of the room before looking at Lily. "Okay Lily, are you limbered up?"

Lily laughed under her breath while she finger combed her hair and put it up in a high ponytail. "Yep."

Rick had taught her a few things in the past week.

_1) She was supposed use the hand she wrote with. Make a fist with her thumb on the outside not tucked inside._

_-The first time she tried this, her thumb was on the inside and she broke her thumb._

_2) Don't aim for the face. It doesn't stop the attacker and they can usually just duck away from the hit._

_3) Always keep wrist straight to avoid breaking it._

_-On the second day she forgot and sprained her wrist._

_4) When punching isn't available knees and elbows are very sharp and are good short range weapons._

_5) If your upper body wasn't able to do anything, kick the attackers shin harder._

In the past week she had spent two hours every day with Rick and she was actually learning a lot. Of course she had gotten injured a lot in the process, but unlike with Marlene she wasn't afraid to hurt Rick. He was a grown adult male and fully licensed Auror if anyone could take pain it was him. Lily had felt incredibly guilty when once she nailed him in the balls and he needed a half hour break, but mostly she was getting through it and slowly getting better. She wasn't a heavy weight champion or anything and there was never going to be a time where she could like fight off four guys at once, but she would be able to fight back, and to Lily that was more important that winning.

Sweat glistened on the back of her neck as she got into a fighting stance, they'd been at it for over an hour and she was starting to get tired, but not as tired as she used to get when she started. All of the desks were lining the edges the room, and on the floor were gym mats Rick had brought with him so they wouldn't do any serious damage.

Rick McKinnon glanced down at her evenly, his blonde eyebrows furrowed together while he concentrated. "Okay now _remember _there is no way for anyone to completely protect themselves. You just have think of what the other person might do and counter act it."

"Okay." Lily nodded jilting her chin out determinedly.

"And when you go to punch or kick me in remember spring into it with your feet and torso." He told her quietly as they circled around each other, never taking their eyes off one another. She attacked and managed to get him once or twice before he got her in a hold. His legs were too far apart for her to kick his shins and he had her arms locked down.

"Now when its like this," He told her in a strained voice as she struggled underneath him. "And you can't kick, or elbow me, you wait until they lower their face near yours, you hang your head so they will lower theirs as low as possible and then you buck your head back as hard as possible. DON'T do that to me." He mentioned releasing her and letting out heavy breath while dropping down onto one of the desks. "If you did, I might have permanent damage…I think that's enough for today. After Wednesday I'm going to be going on assignment in India. So after that you're on your own kid."

"Rick, honestly thank you for doing this."

"Well I couldn't exactly say no. You looked so scared, and so determined." He took a beat. "I have five little sisters, and with you and Dorcas being so close to Mar…It feels wrong not at least teach you basic self defense."

Lily grinned appreciatively, sitting down next to him. "I wish I had an older brother."

"I have five sisters that would gladly talk you out of that."

Lily shook her head, "Nah. Marlene always talks about how great you are."

"Yeah, but that's because Marlene sees the good in everybody." He shrugged, before admitting. "My mum's getting pretty sick and Mar is the only one who can handle it. The rest of us…we just can't be there for her, because we know we are just watching her die."

She frowned, "It's can't be easy to watch a parent slip away."

"No. It's not. I think it makes it worse that all of us are grown, because we all perfectly understand what's happening and know that there's nothing we can do to stop it."

The weight of his words settled in the room and Lily felt her chest tighten. It was one thing to have hope. When a disease or illness has options or possibilities the victims families can hold onto that lie or chance that maybe their loved one will be okay. But when it's certain, when there are no room for miracles and no loophole to hide in, it's the worst thing, because there's nothing worse than the truth. Marlene's mother would die, and she would be there and have to see it happen. It was sick, but it was the truth.

He shook his head and gave her a stiff smile. "I'll see you tomorrow Evans around 8pm alright?"

Lily nodded, "Will do. Thanks Rick."

He stood up and flicked his wand to pack up all his stuff. "No problem."

* * *

Walking down from her dorm with her brown hair freshly curled and bouncy to go with her Gryffindor uniform perfectly. Her bag dug into her shoulder, so she adjusted it a little when she saw James waiting down the stairs.

"Lily isn't up there," Dorcas said shaking her head in amusement. "She went with Marlene somewhere this morning."

James shrugged, "Worth a shot. How are you?"

"Oh I'm fine." She nodded while they walked together to breakfast, "And you? Where are your band of merry idiots?"

"I do go places without them you know."

"Yes well it would be awkward if you were with Sirius when he was keeping up his sexual reputation." Dorcas smirked.

James gave her a dirty look; "I just thought Lily might like to take a walk or something after breakfast."

Dorcas laughed at him as they began to walk to breakfast. "You never give up do you?"

"I will never give up," James told Dorcas bluntly and unashamedly. "She may date other people and may even fall in love with someone else, and I want her to be happy. But when you find the one you don't give up."

A small smile crept up on her lips. "That's sweet."

"You wouldn't do the same?"

"No I wouldn't," She replied automatically, "But then again I've never been in love."

James wasn't surprised. "Yes but surely you've had at least a crush before."

"Yeah, but I give it up as soon as the feeling isn't returned, which happens every time." Dorcas shrugged, crossing her arms over her chest. "But don't start worrying about me Potter. I think I've just accepted that I'm too good looking for anyone else…You probably couldn't understand that."

"Are you calling me ugly?" James scoffed in mock hurt.

"Yep."

He took a moment before shrugging. "As long as we have that straight."

Once they arrived at the Gryffindor table they sat down next to each other. James didn't say it, but he had this theory that every person in the world had a quality that they rubbed off on the people around them. Remus passed on the over eating of sweets, Sirius passed on the under the breath snicker, and with Marlene it was matchmaking. It wasn't that Dorcas needed a man. No woman needed to have a man except perhaps for reproduction purposes. No, when James looked at Dorcas he saw a girl who desperately deserved for someone to love her and if he could help with that, he'd feel better, because at least then he could feel like in a small way he was helping her. After all, Dorcas was so independent that she didn't need help in any area, but the Marlene voice in his head told him it wouldn't hurt to look around.

"Potter, Lupin isn't sick is he?" Dorcas asked checking the date.

James shook his head and told her in a quiet voice that no one else could hear. "It was two days ago. He should be fine now."

"Good." She said turning the newspaper. "I hated working by myself, it was _so_ boring."

Sirius met up with them while they were walking and Dorcas gave him a dirty look. "Where's the other two?"

"Aren't I enough?" Sirius asked in a tone of mock hurt as he clutched the left side of his chest.

"I don't feel comfortable with only you two…I feel like you are up to something." She said taking turns narrowing her eyebrows at them.

Sirius shrugged innocently. "Where's Mar and Lily?"

"Where's Peter and Remus?" She countered in the same casual tone.

"Francesco Francesko doesn't know."

Dorcas scrunched up her face and said, "What the bloody hell does that mean?"

James raised his hand and gave her a weary look. "Believe me, you do not want to get him started-"

"Francesco Francesko is an Italian man. He is a sharp dresser, a man about town. He speaks 14 different languages and never goes with out a suit and tie-"

"Is he delusional? Has anyone checked into this?" Dorcas asked James with bewildered look on her face.

"They'd have too much to go over." James told her honestly.

Sirius scoffed. "No one understands Francesco Francesko!" Then he walked back in the direction they came.

Dorcas opened her mouth to comment on James's choice of best friends when she saw the look on James's face. "…What is it?"

"There's a crowd up there…" He paused before craning his neck. "Something's wrong."

James pushed a path through the students aggressively and managed to weave a large enough path for Dorcas to follow. Slytherins were surrounding the edges stopping other students from breaking up the fight that was happening in the center. Before James even saw who the students were he moved to break it up, but once he saw that it was four Slytherins on Remus and Peter.

Immediately Dorcas snatched her wand out of her pocket and flourished her wand around pointing at three Slytherin's in Death Eater's masks shouting, "Reducto!"

The line of Slytherin's fell and James advanced on the men headed for them quickly saying, "Petrificus totalus," repeatedly.

He only managed to hit one of them, the crowd around was chaos as everyone was elbowing and kicking each other to get out of the corridor as quickly as possible. James and Dorcas didn't run after the people responsible, in the crowd and with the numbers there would be no way they would be able to get out of that fight well.

* * *

Alice Prewett and Amelia Bones moved with them to pick Peter and Remus up and out of the hallway to a nearby empty classroom. Peter was falling in and out of consciousness and was barely standing on his two feet. Remus on the other hand seemed to have taken more curses, his face was bruised and he was sluggish but somehow still faired better than his shorter friend.

"Thank you," James told the girls earnestly, once they had the boys out of harms way.

Amelia pushed her blonde hair out of her face, her authoritative nature set on her face. "They came out of nowhere. I tried to break through and Emmeline went to go get a teacher…"

"_Emmeline Vance_?" Dorcas scowled.

Amelia gave her a look. "Yes…Somebody should take Peter to the hospital wing. He doesn't look so good."

"I will," Alice offered kindly.

"Are you sure you can lift him?" James said giving the small girl an unsure look.

Alice nodded and proved it by adjusting Peter's weight and moving along with a shockingly little amount of difficulty. "I'm friends with his girlfriend. I'll make sure he gets there alright."

"Thank you Alice." Dorcas said giving her a sincere smile.

"I'm going to stand guard and wait for a professor." Amelia announced, sounding much more like a 30 year old than an 18 year old.

James glanced at Remus, "How are you feeling champ?"

"Fine…A little broken, but I can walk it off. Nothing fractured or broken. Just a lot of bruises. You got there just after they disarmed me…"

"Well why don't you sleep it off?" He suggested, "Dorcas and I will get you back to the dorm. I'm sure whatever professor Bones grabs will excuse you from class."

Remus looked like he might fight it, but Dorcas gave him a scolding look. "If you go back to class I will throw you over my shoulder and carry you back myself."

He laughed, but then winced with regret when he did. His face was still tender.

"Are you sure you aren't hurt?"

"No," Remus shook his head honestly. "I'm just a little battered, nothing some sleep and some healing solution can't fix."

Dorcas gave James a concerned look when Remus wasn't looking. "Okay well let's get you back then."

Each of them grabbed a side and helped him walk. He was mostly fine, but whenever one of them would back away he would lose balance. It seemed he needed to be supported on both sides. They were halfway back, when James just happened to look over and notice Remus looking at Dorcas out of the corner of his eyes. It was subtle, and wouldn't have been noticed in a crowded room, but in this close proximity James saw it well and couldn't help, but grin. The whole world was going to hell, but James couldn't be completely mad about it because one of his earlier wishes were granted. He had thought wistfully that he wished he could find a man good enough for Dorcas, someone decent, kind and honorable.

James just never imagined it would one of his best mates that would have a rather large crush on her. It was all over his face and obvious to James that Dorcas didn't have a single clue.

Of course that was the way of it. They once again had to pull their comrades out of yet another unprovoked fight and things were only getting worse and worse at the castle, and this was the time that Remus finally crawled out of his shell and dared to have feelings for someone.

He would have laughed if the situation wasn't so ridiculous. Once they arrived back at the dorms, James gave Remus a stern glance. "Don't go gallivanting around Moony. You took enough hits this week."

"I won't Prongs." He smiled at his friend exhaustedly.

Dorcas walked out with James, but paused, "I'm gonna stay with him. Make sure he's okay."

A small pucker of hope lifted in James's chest, but he used all of his energy to keep it from showing. "You aren't going to class?"

"No point really when my partner is gone. I know it all anyway." She shrugged unconcernedly.

"Alright. Well thanks Commander." He saluted her. "I'm going to check on Peter before heading to class."

"See you later Potter." She nodded before heading back up the boys staircase.

* * *

"Where the hell is Remus?" Lily asked her red hair flipping behind her as she turned around.

Marlene frowned, leaning back in her chair unconcernedly. "I don't know but Dorcas, Peter and James aren't here either."

"Yes, but they would ditch. Remus would never ditch." Lily explained simply, twisting in her seat awkwardly to get a better look.

"Don't worry about it Lil I'm sure whatever it is we'll hear about it soon enough…I mean it can't be that bad if Sirius is here." Marlene pointed out.

Lily took a beat and relaxed, "Yeah…yeah you're right. I'm overreacting."

"It's not a big deal." Marlene told her, looking over and Sirius distantly.

Sirius walked over to talk to them, "I wonder what the hell kind of side route Meadowes and Prongs took to get here."

"I'm sure they're fine." Marlene reassured them in a monotone that didn't quite fit her.

Sirius looked at her, tensing slightly at the look on her face. He was about to say something when she interjected.

"Look, he's here now. Not a scratch on him." She said looking at the door before moving her gaze to the front wall.

James walked over just as Flitwick waltzed in and told them. "I'll explain later, but everything's fine." He told them, before going to his seat before he could be scolded.

Lily faced forward and took out her quill to taking the notes Flitwick was putting on the board before they split up to sit with their partners. For a second she looked over at Marlene. There was something off about her. When she did Lily saw Marlene had a pensive drawn look on her face. She was faced away from everything and was looking out the window. She didn't know what Marlene was thinking, but she could tell what ever it was it wasn't something happy.

Remembering what Rick had said about their mother, Lily reached over and rubbed Marlene's shoulder.

Marlene turned with a weak smile.

"You okay Marlene?"

"I'm fine." She lied.

"Are you sure?" Lily asked sensing her dishonesty.

Marlene nodded, not looking at her. "Yep."


	40. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

_How dare you say it's nothing to me_

_Baby, you're the only light I ever saw _

**-John Mayer-**

* * *

"You didn't have to stay you know." Remus said blushing slightly as she helped him lay down.

"It's not a deep thing," She shrugged sitting down on the edge of his bed. "By the way while you were out, we worked on three class assignments in Charms and Potions. I finished them and turned them in with your name."

Smiling he said, "Thanks."

"Not a problem." She turned, "Okay, shirt off."

He gave her a look.

"I know you said you were fine, but you might not be able to feel or see if you hurt something." She said simply. "So take off your shirt, and hold the complaints, I'm not leaving until I'm sure you are okay."

Remus gave her a self-conscious look. "Um I'm sure…"

"Lupin, what's the problem? What are you so scared off? I'm not going to purple nurple you."

"You're not going to …what?" He asked in a low exhausted voice.

Dorcas pressed her tongue to the bottom of his top teeth. "Look, if I even the playing field will you stop being such a baby?"

"What do you mean by leveling the playing field?"

"Lupin-!" She let out a cry of frustration.

"Fine! Fine!" He sighed in defeat. "But I warn you, I have scars…" He trailed as she tugged her tie off her head, unbuttoned her blouse and tossed it aside.

Dorcas raised her hands, "Now take off your damn shirt."

Remus's tried to politely look away from her chest. His gentlemen instincts tried to kick in, but they were a bit sluggish. He began to unbutton his white oxford shirt, while she leaned forward and helped shimmy off his crimson and gold tie. Dorcas didn't think anything of it. She didn't notice his pulse race, or see his pace slow down once her chest was eye level with his chest. Out of the Marlene, Lily and her and she was definitely on the smaller side of the chest scale. So it didn't seem like a big deal to her, she was just wearing a low size B bra with blue and white polka dots. Nothing special, but Remus couldn't stop sneaking glances. He didn't know what was wrong with him. Why couldn't he stop himself? He'd been attracted to girls before but usually he could keep it together. What was wrong with him?

Dorcas didn't look at his face while she helped him sit up farther so she could slip his shirt off all the way. He wasn't lying, there were some pretty deep scars running across his torso, but what made her blush was the fact that he wasn't nearly as scrawny as he looked. There was some definite muscle; he was hiding under all the layers of clothes he always wore. She looked at his toned, back and felt his bones to see if anything was tender, but he just had a few bruises, no lasting damage.

"Okay, you seem to be fine. You're probably just still lagging because of the full moon, and that's why you feel so ex…" She helped him move back, but stopped speaking when she caught the way he was looking at her. It took her by surprise, because she hadn't been expecting the lustful look that made his amber eyes darken into brown. "_Exhausted,_" She breathed, finishing her sentence.

He was about to look away. It was clear that he had made her uncomfortable by the surprise on her face. After she had seen his scars he expected her to flinch or back away. She knew what had caused the scars and once she saw them she would run like any person with any kind of sense would. Dorcas was too smart to stay…but she didn't leave. In fact she didn't have any reaction at all other than minor interest. How could she not care? How could she not be bothered by it?

Flushed, Dorcas looked away, "So do you want anything? Like water or a cold towel. I can get the healing solution-"

"How are you okay with this?"

"Okay with being shirtless in front of a male?" Dorcas raised her eyebrows. "I mean it's not that deep, it's literally the same thing as me wearing a swim suit."

Remus laughed under his breath, and said, "No I meant…_me_…"

"What you shirtless?" She let out a low giggle after looking at the serious expression on her face. "Um..I hate to break this to you Lupin but you are kind of hot…"

"Hot?" He was stunned. "But…I…what?"

"Girls like guys with a past and you shouldn't ashamed of who you are Remus."

He looked at her, his eyebrows puckered together like he'd never seen anything like her. "…What is wrong with you?"

"Me?!" She snorted sitting back next to him. "You are the one with all the ridiculous insecurities. You are attractive and for some reason you think-"

Remus had never done an impulsive thing in his life, but at that moment he just acted. His hands slipped up to her face, and he tugged her face towards his, kissing her hotly and fiercely. It didn't take Dorcas long to react at all. The instant she realized he was actually kissing her and she hadn't imagined it.

This was actually happening. Remus Lupin was kissing her, and quite firmly too. Most guys were hesitant and uncertain when kissing a girl for the first time. And Dorcas understood why, it's hard to know how someone will react. Will they want you to do it? Will they want you to go slow or expect you to be much better than how you are?

But for some reason Remus wasn't having that problem. It seemed the most hesitant, anxious person she knew did one thing well and one thing confidently and it was snogging. And if that was the one thing he would take charge with, Dorcas wasn't mad at all that this was it. Shocking, and surprised, but not in any way or form disappointed, in fact she was impressed. She didn't ever assume that he would be a bad kisser, but she didn't expect that he would be this good.

Her lips were perfect, well actually not perfect, her lips were small, but they were soft, strong and tasted faint traces of mint.

Pulling away, Dorcas smiled and grew red. For the first time, Remus noticed her blushing. "Are you blushing?"

"…_shut up_."

"Ms. Confident-don't-let-anything-get-in-way is blushing." He smirked tracing her cheekbones with the pads of his thumbs.

She hit him on the arm and immediately felt guilty as he groaned and staggered backward. "Oh Remus, I'm sorry…Are you okay?"

He let out a ghostly laugh, as he slumped back against his bed. "Yeah…I just …I just got the window knocked… out of me..."

Dorcas frowned in remorse. "Okay, I'm putting the healing solution on you, and then you are going to eat something and drink some water. Then you are going to take a little nap."

Adjusting, he sighed, wincing, "Fine."

She grabbed the solution, put some of it on her hand and started applying it to his sore muscles. But instead of pain, he was getting a different sort of reaction, something a little farther down on his body. It shouldn't have startled him. She wasn't wearing a shirt, so while she bent over, her stomach flexed and her chest was in his face, while she rubbed his arms and upper chest. Also, she was wearing the uniform black skirt and grey socks, which …was just every mans fantasy really. It was no wonder that he began to stiffen, but instantly he was embarrassed.

"What are you doing?!" Trying to distract her long enough to cover up the new growth in his pants.

"We just snogged, and you think its weird that I'm touch your torso?" She asked in a critical tone, removing her hands and looking down at him. "You have to have this, and you are too sore to put it on yourself. After that I will let you rest, but…" Dorcas stopped when she saw the uncomfortable look on his face. "Remus…" Then she glanced over instinctively to what he was trying to hide.

"I…I'm sorry…I…" He began flustered and horrified.

"Why?" Dorcas smiled at him with uncharacteristically shy look on her face.

"_You aren't_…" He glanced at her and shook his head. "You are the weirdest girl I've ever met."

Dorcas laughed and sat back. "Why because I'm flattered instead of offended?" She took a minute, tucking her legs underneath her and biting the side of her lip. "...I…fancy you Remus…"

This was it. He was going to politely reject her. It was bound to happen. This had all moved in this direction so suddenly that they both had gotten way ahead of themselves. Hell, she could still feel the impression of his firm lips on the surface of hers.

But she knew this would happen. He would be attracted to her maybe, and appreciate that she had helped him, but wouldn't like her anymore than that. It wasn't his fault. He could get a physical reaction and feel nothing for her emotionally. In that case she wouldn't be rude and lash out. She would just put her shirt back on, apply his healing solution and tell him it was fine. There wouldn't be any awkwardness on her end. She'd go right back to being his academic partner, and would never say a word about this.

It hurt her…more than she was willing to admit, but she would walk it off. After all he was just a guy. There was a million more wandering around the world. Surely there would be one that would actually want something to do with her.

If she had look directly at his face, she would have seen that he had an expression that was a mixture of wild confusion and delight plastered on his busted face. But she didn't, so he groaned and reached for her hand to get her attention.

".._Really_?"

She nodded, with a forced smile. "Yeah, but if you're about to tell me that, _'you are flattered, but don't feel the same way_... You can save it. I'm still going to finish applying the healing solution so you don't miss anymore classes. Then I'll be out of you here."

"Why would I kiss you if I didn't feel the same way?" He questioned, taken aback by her obviousness.

"I…I don't know," She mumbled nervously, unnerved by the fact that he was holding her hand.

Wetting his lips, he closed his worn eyes and said, "For someone who see's so much. You sure do miss things."

"What then?"

He looked at her warmly, gripping her hand he said, "I fancy you too Dorcas Meadowes and I think it's adorable how much you have blushed in the past hour."

"Uh…well." She laughed hiding her face slightly.

Remus grinned; when he did his face ached. He knew he could be sound asleep. His entire body yearned for sleep…well most of his body did anyway. But he didn't want to sleep. When Marlene liked him, well even when Marlene loved him, he couldn't see it. He was just…he was too far gone to think that she meant it and by doing that he never let himself love her. But he had tried not to like Dorcas and for a while he didn't. Her aggressive nature caught him off guard and unsettled him, but somehow just by being herself, she had successfully gotten under his skin, and she'd never really left. And if she was so willing to be honest about her feelings and about what she wanted why shouldn't he do the same?

"Do you want to be my girlfriend?" He asked boldly

Dorcas opened her mouth to say yes, but then she frowned. "Um…actually, you have to get permission first."

He tensed up as soon as she hesitated, but didn't expect her to say that. "Permission? From who?"

"_Marlene_." Dorcas said flatly, "I want to say yes, but I can't do so without knowing she'll be okay with it."

"Okay. That's fair." He said. "I guess after my nap I'll have to track her down."

Dorcas lit up, unable to stop smiling. In a quiet voice she said, "I guess you will."

"But, by all means continue," He smirked, with more arrogance then she'd ever seen him show…ever.

"You are lucky I can't hit you."

* * *

With Remus and Dorcas gone, and Marlene and Sirius ditching to go visit Peter that left James with Lily. He wasn't so disappointed with this, but she was. She loved seeing James, and even being within five feet of him made her feel more at ease then she felt since she'd been attacked, but the minute she saw the distressed look on his face her heart sank. He told her what happened, and she saw the need for him to stand up and do something grow. And it scared the shit out of her. Things were getting worse and she worried that James would risk his neck and do something stupid.

Remus and Peter were just walking to class; they hadn't provoked anyone or done anything and any person would want retribution, but she was worried because with James it would never end. He was a pureblood; he could still walk away from all this and survive. If he got involved now, he would never stop and she couldn't just stand back and watch. She had to stop him.

"Things are getting out of control around here," James told Lily while they walked to Herbology. "I mean, Bones gave McGonagall a statement, and Dumbledore will expel the one we caught…but…the rest of them got away with it."

Lily listened intently, though she didn't look at him as he spoke. The passionate way he spoke about this unnerved her. He had to stay away from this. He couldn't get involved. "James don't do anything. Picking a fight with one of them won't make all of this stop. You just have to-"

"Of course I do Lily. Even if it wasn't my two best friends I'd have to do something." He looked at her darkly. "It's the difference between doing what's wrong and what's right. Not standing up to them would be wrong."

Lily grabbed his arm and pulled him behind the arch leading to the gardens. The greenhouse was the other way. They stood under an arch lined with branches and leaves, it was bewitched so that they would alive in all seasons. It was shaded and dark enough so that sunlight peaked through shining on Lily's red hair, bright eyes and James's light skin. They stood a foot apart; both had stricken looks on their faces, but for completely different reasons.

"_And if you don't know that_…" He said giving her a look of contempt. "I don't know who you are anymore."

"_Hey_," She shot back fiercely, pointing a finger at him. "I'm someone who is thinking logically and isn't going off half cocked on some suicide mission. You have parents James! Parents that expect you to come home for the summer! And you say that it's getting bad but I don't think you take that nearly as seriously as you should. These people are taking over everything bit-by-bit-"

"What then?!" He snapped sharply, not liking the direction she was heading in. "What? You want me to just ignore it? To stand aside and just let them do whatever they please? Is that it Lily?"

Her lips thinned her nostrils flaring. "That's not actually what I saying! And you would know that if you opened up your ears you thick headed idiot!"

"_Thick…Thick headed?_! What for standing up for what I believe in?! For not just blindly going with all the other purebloods and letting innocent people get slaughtered for one groups racism?"

Lily was crying now, but her vision was still clear. "You're going to get yourself _killed_ James…"

"Yeah," He shrugged hard, his eye eyes becoming glassy as he took a step forward. "Maybe, but what you're narrow minded head can't get around is the fact that we will all die someday Lily. Even you, and if you want to be all safe and uncomplicated in that little box you live in, then fine. But if I'm going to die…" He paused as the emotion built up in him. "Fuck, at least I'm going to die fighting for what I believe in instead of running scared and it may not be the smartest thing, but I'd rather be honorable than smart." And with that he took one look at her and stormed away.

Lily stayed back, shuddering with tears. She agreed with so much of what he said, but there was so much he didn't know. There was so much that could go wrong and they were too young to be thrown in the middle of something like this. If Lily stood up and did something, she would be in danger more than anyone else and that didn't bother her, but what did was that they could target her family. In the past month five muggleborn families had been murdered as a statement and a warning to muggleborns everywhere. Lily would eventually fight, she knew it was inevitable and when the time gave she too would fight hard for the cause, but …she couldn't bare the thought of something bad happening to James because he was to noble to stay out of it. Eventually her breathing slowed and she went into the greenhouse, but James wouldn't talk to her. In fact he wouldn't even look at her. She'd tried to think of ways to push him away from her for the past two weeks, in order to not put him in any more danger.

And she sure did manage to push him away, which had horribly enough thrusted him closer to the danger she was trying to keep him away from. It was just awful, and what made it worse was now it was clear he didn't even want to be friends with her. Marlene would call her overdramatic and say that he would get over it, but the thing was he wouldn't. Marlene didn't see the resolute harden expression on his face; where his chin flattened, and his face grew so serious that it made the scars on his face stand out. She didn't feel the cold shoulder he was giving Lily; where he made his entire body face away from her and spoke to people across the way that Lily knew for a fact he had no reason to talk to. If she thought him loving her was excruciating she was wrong, the worst thing was him hating her.

* * *

Sirius stayed with Peter for the rest of the day until his girlfriend appeared. Absent from the fight itself, he didn't feel right leaving Peter alone. Marlene stayed for a bit, which made Peter happy, but she left after a while. He considered asking what she had to do, but he didn't. Things had been…weird between them. They had gotten together a few times in the past week, and they still spent time together, but something had shifted and changed. They'd never talked about what they were doing together and it was beginning to bother him. He always preferred casual relationships, he didn't like to be stuck in the same situation time and time again, it just never appealed to him. So this really shouldn't be affecting him this way. If anything he should be bored with her and now he was beginning to worry she was bored with him. Why else would she be so distant and never ask where they were headed like every other women he knew would.

Walking by himself, his slipped his hands in his pockets and wished he had someone he could talk to about this, but he had been the one that had put the non-disclosure clause on their …relationship. But the bitch of it though was that they never put any rules. They never said they were exclusive or anything like that. And yet Sirius hadn't snogged or shagged anyone since he started up with Marlene. The oddest part was until that moment, right then, he never even thought about it. It just never even occurred to him that he would want to go after anyone else, which unnerved him more than anything else. He wasn't a one-woman kind of guy. Sirius Black was a rebel, anything society told him he was supposed to want or have he fought against. He didn't want kids, a wife and a boring job at the ministry. Being tied down just seemed like giving up on living. Why would anyone just stop trying to go throw themselves into new situations? Wasn't that the point in living?

Sighing, he scratched his 5 o'clock shadow and tried to stop thinking about it. Marlene was just a girl, a great bird at that, and one of his closest friends, but just a girl at the same time. Rounding the corner, Sirius was about to head into the Great Hall. Maybe he couldn't talk to anyone about this, but he could talk to James about their plans for the end of the year prank and get his mind off things for a bit. He stopped in his tracks however when he saw Marlene talking to Remus. An emotion tugged at the back of his abs making him swallow down a vile of anger that rose in him.

The pair were standing a few feet away from the Great Hall doors, with people passing by them to get to dinner. Neither of them noticed though. They seemed to be locked into the conversation they were having, unable to look away from each other for even a minute. Remus's hands were on her shoulders, and he was saying something to her. It was nice, Sirius could tell by the bright smile that grew on Marlene's face after he was finished saying it. Sirius didn't know why, he knew Remus and knew he would never do anything bad to Marlene, but he couldn't stand the sight of his hands on her shoulders. He didn't like anyone touching Marlene, but it was usually a fleeting feeling that faded as soon as it arrived. This time it seemed to take root in him and make him physically unable to move from the spot he stood.

There wasn't a look of playfulness on his face or even a flicker of a smirk, he watched them talk and then curled up his hand into a fist when he watched Marlene jump into Remus's arms. The man she broke up with only a year earlier and supposedly stopped loving a few months ago. Sirius didn't interact with them; he waited till they left to keep walking. He was too angry, for all he knew it could have been nothing and just friendly, but it didn't feel that way.

Heading into the Great Hall he made a B-line for James and dropped beside his best friend. James also looked to be angry about something, but Sirius honestly didn't have it in him to ask what it was about. Instead they both sat in a stony silence, eating side by side, not talking.

* * *

**Authors Note:**

So I updated so quickly in appreciation of the reviews I've been getting. **THANK YOU! ALL OF YOU!** All the notes on my tumblr and all of the reviews have been very sweet, helpful and most appreciated!


	41. What Hurts The Most

_And never knowing_  
_What could have been_  
_And not seeing that loving you_  
_Is what I was trying to do_

**-Rascal Flatts-**

* * *

Marlene turned and was surprised to see Remus up and walking around…especially when she saw how hard he was trying to hide the grin that seemed to be fighting to spread across his tired face.

He asked, "Are you headed to the Great Hall?"

"Yeah…" She began suspiciously, "Why? How are you?"

"I got a nap in." He shrugged as they both started walking down the stairs, "I just fancied a chat with you."

Marlene didn't like the sound of this. Sure they had grown away from being exes and into actual friends, but she had never seen him like this and she couldn't think of a single reason he would be like this. To be perfectly honest she didn't even know what 'this' was because by all accounts Remus should be surely and mad that he got his arse beat in front of a crowd full of people, most of which who did nothing to stop it. But instead he seemed to be…like emulating light.

"Uh…Okay." She said uncertainly, pushing her long golden hair out of her face. "…What's…up?"

"I…Okay…So I know we broke up a while ago-"

Marlene tensed up and cringed. "I really don't like where this is headed…"

"Hear me out," Remus said as they stopped in front of the Great Hall. He had no idea how his speech sounded. He assumed Marlene just didn't want him to date Dorcas, and he was determined to make her see it his way. His amber eyes hardened on her, "I fancy Dorcas, and I'd like to go out with her, but in order to do so I need your blessing."

Marlene blinked rapidly, unable to process his words fast enough.

"So," Remus began, "What do you think?"

"You…and Dorcas?" She asked slowly, using hand gestures.

He nodded, his usually neatly combed brown hair falling into his forehead. "…Yes."

"I think it's perfect," Marlene cooed, ecstatically once she caught up, "I love it!"

Remus observed her carefully, putting his hands on her shoulders, "Are you absolutely sure?"

"Yes!" She beamed. "I am sure! You two would be so cute together! Oh I'm SO glad that's what you want to tell me! You had me freaked out for a second there!"

He nodded with the grin he'd been trying to hide. "I'm really happy Mar…I didn't expect this."

"Well that's the thing about Dorcas. She kind of sneaks up on you." Marlene gave him a smile, before throwing her arms around him to hug him tightly. "THIS IS SO GREAT!"

Remus laughed, "A little looser Mar, I'm still sore."

"Oh! Sorry," She apologized releasing him, "Where's Dora? We need to tell her immediately!"

"I think she's back in the dorm. She said she was going to get dinner later."

"Yeah," Marlene grinned, "With-you! Come on!" She grabbed his arm and pulled him towards the staircase.

Remus laughed, a throaty open laugh. "Wow, okay, but let's walk a little slower okay?"

"Sorry," She laughed, "I'm just…I'm really happy for you two," Marlene gushed, "I like happy endings."

"We're seventeen, and we have yet to go on a single date." Remus reminded her, with a chuckle, "And already you're planning our wedding."

Marlene linked arms with him and made a grand gesture with her right arm. "I'm thinking coral for the bridesmaids dresses…"

* * *

Lily sat down next to James in Potions the next day and found that he was still fazing her out. For the first ten minutes it didn't bother her, because frankly she was too busy taking notes to notice, but when she did…it broke her heart. He didn't look at her, his uneven jaw line was jilted upward, and he was leaning back in his chair, his arms lank, but his hands were curled into fists.

"Okay class," Slughorn announced, rubbing his large hands together, "Begin!"

Lily gulped, "Um, do you want to-"

"I'll get the supplies, and do the report. You can do the potion since you are better at it then I." James said coldly, rising from his seat and leaving quickly.

Lily flinched when his chair scraped against the floor.

A month ago, Lily had written her father. She tried to write him every week, just to keep in touch. One of the things she had mentioned how she was actually becoming really good friends with James. Of course she didn't explain the way she felt about him. She didn't explain that she had never felt so close to somebody in her life and she didn't say how he made her laugh, and realize when she was being too harsh or too judgmental. Really the biggest part she had managed to leave out was how by even just being near him made her want to be less selfish, less mean.

She had always thought that the worst thing she had ever felt was when Petunia stopped being friends with her. Then she managed to get through it and eventually made friends with Dorcas and Marlene, which after a few years eased the pain. But then she cut off her relationship with Severus, someone who had known her so well and she trusted with so much, but then she saw his true colors. She saw how at the end of the day, despite his speeches about how their friendship meant everything to him that when it mattered, he would chose power over her. That one hurt, and she still wasn't completely over it, but even sitting here a few rows away from him now, she knew there was something worse.

If James never forgave her, if he hated her forever, that would be the worst thing. He'd somehow become a part of her life as much as Dorcas and Marlene, but even more than that. He just showed her so much, by just…being himself.

The whole class they sat in silence, she thought of things she could or should say to him, but they all felt wrong, like they weren't enough. She was so distressed that she accidently added a potion too early, which didn't ruin the potion or anything, but it made Slughorn give her a questioning look while he passed.

James grabbed the materials and put them back. Lily leaned forward rubbing her eyes. Thankfully she didn't bother with make-up this morning, it made her look paler than normal, but it made it one less thing she had to worry about messing up.

Looking around, she saw Sirius working with his partner half-heartedly across the room. He didn't even seem to notice that she was sticking her cleavage in his face. Marlene seemed to be quietly having a very aggressive fight with Severus, the sight of which made Lily's bold boil. When Lily looked over at Dorcas and Remus she was surprised to see that they were the ones causing all the noise. Dorcas was doing some sort of a victory dance, her hands were thrusted in the air, and she was doing this odd little wiggle dance. Remus was rocking back and forth laughing.

"Well…it seems we have a new golden pair." Slughorn boasted at Dorcas and Remus.

Dorcas stopped dancing, high fived Remus and pumped her fists in the air, "WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRIENDS!"

Lily almost laughed, but then she saw James shoot her a look and the feeling left as soon as it came.

Class ended and Lily didn't waste time trying to talk to James. If she knew anything about him she knew how stubborn he could be and she also knew that if she talked to him right now she might cry and that wasn't going to help anything. That would just make everything worse.

On the way out of class, she turned and then she knocked into someone and fell into the broom closet. "Oh! God...I'm such a fuck up...I'm so sorry!" She sighed, tears building in her eyes, before she saw who she hit and then her face turned to loathing.

Snape's black eyes gazed over her face, with a brief look of regret lingering there before he said, "Lily…hi…how…how have you been?"

"You want to know how I've been?!" Lily roared in absolute fury, kicking a broom out of her way. "I've been miserable! Because your buddies jumped me the other night and now James hates me-"

"Why do you care-" Snape began venomously while Lily collected the books that fell out of her bag and stuffed them back in.

"BECAUSE I CARE WHAT HE THINKS! OKAY?! I LILIAN EVANS CARE WHAT JAMES POTTER THINKS!" Lily shouted furiously, her voice shaking as they both stood up. "But THE WORST PART about this conversation is that I'm even bothering having it! Because I say your friends NEARLY KILLED ME and all you can think about is that I'm upset over James Potter." She shook her head eyeing him with pure disgust as he blocked the doorway. "Get the hell out of my way Severus before I blast you out of my way."

Snape opened his mouth, but Lily shook her head. "I can kick your arse Severus and right now I wouldn't mind getting ruining my record and getting a detention for it. So Move!"

He did, but his lips were pressed together and Snape's breaths became heavy with rage. He hadn't spoke to her in months, and the first time he does…Potter is the one she wants to talk to, the man responsible for their friendship break up in the first place. Storming out of the room, he turned and looked for Lily, but she was long gone.

Snape saw James rounding the corner and without thinking he sent a rather nasty hex at him.

James ducked when he saw a flash of light. His face grew with rage, but the minute he looked at Snape, his face turned red. _"Oh_, I'm going kick your _FUCKING ARSE you SLIMY GIT_!" He shot three curses at Snape and one of them managed to hit him and knock him over.

Before Snape could get up off the floor, James bolted over to him and started hitting him. Snape managed to block a few and even got in a hit of his own, but he stood no chance of winning. Anyone who saw the fight walked away and didn't try and stop it. Someone though had thought to grab a teacher, because within seconds McGonagall was there.

"POTTER! SNAPE!" McGonagall had to rip James off of Snape. "DETENTION, BOTH OF YOU!"

James adjusted his shirt, and glowered at Snape wiping the blood off of his chin. "That's perfectly fine with me."

"Well you shouldn't feel that way, because this detention includes this Saturday."

"But…But I can't!" James said suddenly, his face panicked. "It's the last game of the season on Saturday professor!"

She gave him a stern look. "You should have thought about that Potter. Now both of you return to your dorms, and get OUT of my sight!"

James sent Snape a rather cold dark look, before grabbing his bag off the floor and strutting off.

* * *

Running up to her dorm, Marlene bit her lip, and was going to keep going until she landed on her bed. Snape was a prick the whole lesson. Not a shocker as he always said hateful little things under his breath to her, but today she'd had it. Lately, she'd been a little more upset then average, and she refused to look into why that was.

Right in front of the portrait hole were Heather and Peter, any other day she would have found the sight of them holding hands adorable. She would have been so happy that after all his years alone, thinking he didn't deserve anybody and that no one would ever would ever love him, had been for this. So when someone did like him, he would be able to fully appreciate it, but Marlene wasn't herself, she was upset and unable to watch the scene, in front of her.

She was sick of all of the happy people and their happy lives, but when she turned around she saw Sirius walking over. For once he was alone, but she couldn't even look at him, because the second she did, she realized what one of the rather large reasons she was upset, was …because of him.

Sirius saw her and said, "Hey Mar…what's wrong?"

She couldn't answer him, she couldn't even look at him. She just couldn't. Because if Marlene McKinnon looked at Sirius Black, she might explode.

"Mar, what's wrong?" He asked grabbing her arm.

"I can't talk to you…not here."

He frowned, "Um want to talk in my dorm?"

"Okay," She nodded following him.

The guys were all gone. Peter and Heather weren't there and Remus, James must have gone to dinner. Sirius didn't like where this was going already. Marlene wouldn't look at him, and she seemed to be doing everything in her power to not freak out.

"Are you going to talk to me _or what_?"

She glanced up with her eyes narrowed at his tone.

"Is this the part where you tell me you still have feelings for Remus?" He asked hotly, rolling his lips back.

Marlene blinked in angry confusion. "What are you talking about?!"

"I saw you two talking, I saw you hug. You've been _off_ and have been blowing me off lately," He replied coldly.

"Wait so you think because I haven't screwed you lately that I must be in love with Remus?" She shot back.

He shrugged trying to seem unconcerned. "I don't know... What _should_ I think?"

"Here's the funny thing Black," She snapped widening her stance. "We aren't exclusive. We never made any rules. So I could be fucking every guy in town and you really couldn't give me shit about it, because for all I know that's what you do when you aren't with me. You really don't have any room to ask me about why I was hugging Remus, but I'll tell you anyway. He was asking me for permission to date _Dorcas_."

Sirius paled slightly, but he kept his composure.

"See, if you pulled your head out of your arse, you would see that they've had a thing going on for a while and that I have been supporting and even went to tell Dorcas myself that I was excited for her." She laughed grimly throwing her hands up.

"Is that what this is then? You're mad I didn't ask you to be my girlfriend?"

"Once again Sirius…You're head is RIGHT up you arse…You know while you're over doing all that thinking you seem to think you're doing, you could think that maybe the reason I've become distant is something you should, I don't know, ask me about, because I'm your friend. But no. No you don't think about me or anyone else…Actually no strike that you care about one other person James. And you care so deeply about his feelings but unless some literally tells you there is something wrong with them you don't care to look any farther." She spat, "You think I'm just this idiot girl who's waiting for you to sweep her off her feet, and say you love me. I know you aren't that kind of guy, and I try to let myself believe that I could be okay with not caring. With being detached, but I can't," Marlene threw her hands up again, "You caught me. I can't make myself stop carrying about people. I can't make myself not care about you."

Sirius furrowed his eyebrows and fought the urge to reach out and touch her. His whole body was tensed as he saw her blue eyes overflow with tears. His voice was strained when he said, "So what are you trying to say? You want more?"

"No, I'm trying to say I want less." She cried, "I don't want this anymore. I can't do it and I know you can't give anything more. So I'm ending this."

There was a brief silence as his eyes locked on hers.

"I'm ending this," She repeated, hanging her head, wiping her face and then leaving.

* * *

Sirius couldn't breathe. He felt like he was suffocating. He wanted to go after her, to tell her that she was wrong about him, about them, but he couldn't move. It felt like his insides were ripping apart, section by section. Tears fell down his cheeks, but he didn't know what to do about them. He should have seen this coming. He should have found a way to prevent it, but he was at a loss.

This wasn't something he had prepared himself for. He didn't know he felt this way about Marlene. He'd been blind, blind to her, blind to himself, blind to everything. Sirius didn't know what to do. Logically he should go after her, but then what would he say? Would he be able to say what she needed to hear? And even if he did would she even care? She…she looked like she had nothing left. Like she had tried for weeks to tell him how unhappy she was, and she just couldn't wait for him to see it anymore. But now he did see it, her broken face was etched into his brain. Even when he closed his eyes he saw her.

He went and took a shower. Then he tried to sleep. There were things he was probably supposed to be doing, but he just couldn't connect them to actions. It was like she electrocuted him and enabled him from being able to function properly and he didn't know why. She didn't tell him she loved him. Marlene didn't give him an ultimatum; she just gave up and walked away. It then occurred to Sirius that maybe the reason why it hurt so much was because he knew there was no wiggle room. Just looking at her, hearing her voice, he knew she meant it, this was done. He couldn't charm her into giving him a second chance. This was it, he lost her in the only real way he ever had her and it shattered him.

Time passed, but he wasn't paying attention, all of a sudden there was this timid knock on the door, and hope sprung up in his chest. He didn't even think it was Marlene, but he prayed it was. He prayed he just had a bad dream and everything could go back to the way it used to be, but it wasn't her. Lily walked in slowly.

"Lily, I'm not really-" Sirius began hollowly, but once he saw her crying his argument fell off his lips. "…What happened?"

"It's my fault," Lily cried pacing frantically. "I'm a horrible person. I …I told Snape that I cared about James…and yes I know that sound weird, but I just kind of…Well I shouted it at Snape… Sirius…I just…" She looked at him, her green eyes overflowing with tears, and her lip trembling. "He hates me Sirius. He hates me and he won't even look at me or talk to me. The whole class he just did his work and only acknowledged me when he had to…I feel so awful, because really he has every reason to hate me. For years I treated him like he was the scum of the earth, and why? Because I thought I was better than him." She admitted, "How horrible and stupid is that? I thought he was just an idiot that people just liked because he was good at everything…And I've said horrible things to him Sirius…Awful things…when really I'm the awful one…I…I am." Her voice cracked as she walked over to him.

Sirius stood and awkwardly brought her into a hug. He truly and completely uncomfortable and this was the absolutely last thing he needed right now, but he couldn't just ignore her. "Um…I really don't know what to do what a girl is crying, but um…I've heard hugging helps…I mean that's what Remus says, I don't really know…"

"I…" She clung to him, crying into his shirt. "I…I'm a horrible person…All day I've been thinking of the things I used to say to him. Why..Why did I think I could think that about him? Why did I think I could judge him that way and and say those things to him? Why?"

"I don't know Lily." He breathed, drained of real emotion. "You were…really, really mean, but you've gotten a lot better. And you like…try to see things from his perspective now and he doesn't hate you Lily. He could never hate you."

She sobbed, wiping her nose on her sleeve as she shook. "I…Just…I'm so sorry Sirius…I can't take it if he hates me…"

"I don't hate you," A quiet voice came from behind them.

"Thank Merlin," Sirius breathed in relief when he saw a moved James standing behind him. He immediately let go of her and moved away, not looking at either one of them.

"Sorr Sorry Sirius." She mumbled wiping her tears away.

"It's fine Lils…I'll see you guys later." Sirius said, moving out of the room as quickly as possible.

* * *

James stepped forward, trying to stop himself from just taking her up into his arms. He got two feet in front of her and it killed him to see her try to stop herself from crying. "Did you mean what you just said? Or were you just upset?"

"Of course I mean it." She sniffled, looking at him, her face growing pink from the amount of tears. "What…what happened to your face?"

"I got into a fight…It doesn't matter. I don't want to talk about it. I'll just get …mad." He said firmly, his jaw growing tight.

Lily held herself. "Okay."

"I just want to know…" He began softly, "I want to know why you really don't want me to fight. Is it really because you are scared or is it because you think there's no point in fighting?"

"Of course there's a point in fighting," Lily replied before she could stop herself. Her honesty switch it seemed couldn't be turned off. "I…I."

"What?" He walked the few feet forward, and hesitantly went to cup her shivering face.

She calmed down considerably underneath his touch and even found herself leaning into it.

"What is it Lily?"

"_I just can't stand the idea of you getting hurt James."_ She blurted out before she could stop herself.

He let out a low breath, and dropped his hand from her face so he could pull her into his chest. She had no idea how much those words meant to him. If he wasn't so angry about everything else he would have gotten more upset, but the longer he stroked her back and held her in his arms the more he calmed down. The scent of her strawberry shampoo breezed into his nostrils and before he knew it he was completely relaxed. He rested his head on the top of hers and closed his eyes.

"Everything will be alright Lily," He whispered into her ear reassuringly. "Everything will be alright."


	42. All Alright

_And I know, ohh nooo,_  
_That I put up a front_  
_But maybe, just this once,_  
_Let me keep this one._

**-Fun.-**

* * *

Dorcas didn't know how she was going to bring this up to Lily. This wasn't a problem Dorcas would or should ever have. Lily was the type to freak out and not know how to handle a situation. Then after Lily stopped hyperventilating and talking about it, Dorcas would tell her the facts and Lily would come up with a plan with a solution to her own problem. It was simple.

Dorcas was supposed to be the one that always was in control and never needed to be told to clam down. But this time, she was the one who was nervous. This time she needed to be the one to be reeled in and told if she was right, wrong or just mad. Her head was literally spinning, and she just needed her friend to check her paper and tell her if she was crazy or not.

"Lily," Dorcas fidgeted in the doorway, "Um…I kind of…Well…I …"

Lily furrowed her eyebrows. "What is it…and why are you all twitchy?"

"Um…So Remus…he…" She let out a large sigh, biting her lip, "Okay he asked me if I want to go the last Quidditch game as like…a date, because…well he asked me to be his girlfriend."

"WHAT?!" Lily exclaimed, launching up and rushing over to her friend. She grabbed Dorcas by the shoulders, "HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN HAPPENING?!"

Dorcas blinked in surprise, "Uh…I don't know? He asked me a few days ago and I just…I wasn't sure if it was a sure thing…"

Lily paused, a look of uncertainty on her face. "_Wait_…You…you cleared this with Mar right?"

"He asked her for permission." Dorcas blushed, shrinking slightly under Lily's gaze.

"THIS IS SO GREAT!" Lily yelled pulling Dorcas into a hug, jumping up and down in excitement.

"Yeah! It is," Dorcas agreed, but she snatched Lily and forced her to stay still. Her tiny tan face was fixed with fear. "_But_, you forget. I've never been on a date. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing."

Lily scoffed and gave Dorcas a look. "It's REALLY not that hard. I'm sure you'll be-"

"Lily," Dorcas grabbed her friends face, "You are not listening. I have _never _done this before. I need help. I'm terrified."

"Okay," Lily muttered, taking her friend a bit more seriously. "Okay. You are nervous, but you shouldn't be. You are Dorcas Meadowes, and if anyone should be confident about going on a date it's you. You are smart, strong and gorgeous. Remus Lupin is lucky that you are giving him the time of day."

Dorcas smiled, sighing, "Thank you for that, but I mean…What do we like…do? Do I hold his hand? Do we kiss at the end? …What the hell do we talk about? I just…This isn't my area and just…UGH! This is killing me."

"Well it really isn't mine either. I've had a few boyfriends, and gone on a few dates over the years, but I'm not expert…Here's the thing I don't think anybody really is." Lily said with a shrug, "The thing is, just go with whatever feels natural. You are going to be nervous, but…nothing I can say will fix that, because it's based on how you feel. Which isn't controllable and that sucks, but there's nothing we can do about that."

This was so weird for Lily. She was always the idiot, that made everyone else think she had it together and Dorcas was always the one who really was calm and collected and was good at everything. Over the past few months, Lily had given up trying to make people think she had it together, because she really didn't have it together at all and Dorcas…Dorcas finally had let go of her past. With the sun lighting up Dorcas's face, Lily saw a happier person, a person willing to give something a chance even if it terrified her and she couldn't be happier about that.

"Look, would it make it easier. If I went to the game and sat a row or two away from you? That way if you get nervous you can just look over at me?"

"God," Dorcas groaned, clutching her face, "I feel like a fucking three year old…"

Lily put a hand on her shoulder, "Dorky, this is good for us. The power dynamic has been on your side of the court far too long. Let me help you."

"Okay okay, but don't tell Mar. I think she's been waiting years to get me back for all the teasing I've done to her of the years."

"You'll be okay. You just have to remember that you've spent a lot of time with Remus before. So think of this like a class."

"Except," Dorcas whined, "We aren't graded and this could go horribly wrong."

"You'll be fine." Lily played with her strawberry bracelet and shifted away. "You get dressed, and I'll be back in a bit to give you a proper pep talk."

Dorcas nodded falling down on her bed overdramatically, her face down in her sheets. "Just leave me here to wallow."

"That's the spirit….Get dressed! I'll be back in a half hour!" Lily ordered her before fixing her shorts and shutting the door.

* * *

Tucking her hands into her shorts pockets, she saw how pale her legs were and grimaced. Thankfully she added sunscreen earlier, but she'd brought some more for later, knowing that she would have to reapply in two hours. Having sensitive stark white skin really was a pain and she honestly didn't see anything good about it. If it wasn't so hot she'd worn trouser, but alas it was one of the hottest days of the year so far and it would only get hotter in the stands.

Lily wasn't planning to go the game, but she wouldn't tell Dorcas that. If she did Dorcas would only feel guilty and much more uncomfortable about the whole thing. Now Lily would just have to find someone to sit with, which was going to be weird since Remus, Dorcas, Peter and Remus would be on dates, Sirius, Marlene and James were busy and she honestly couldn't remember who else she used to spend time with before the Maruaders infiltrated her life. Surely someone would feel pity on her and let her at least pretend to sit near them…Right?

Heading to McGonagall's classroom, Lily tucked a stray strand of her growing hair behind her ear. The atmosphere was just fine on Dorcas's hair, and didn't bother Marlene's, but it made Lily's become this huge heavy mess. Putting her hair up higher, she sighed and turned into the open classroom.

This time James was doing lines so he wasn't half naked, but if she was disappointed this was lessened by the fact that he had chosen to take his white shirt and tie off. He was just sitting in his white wife beater, hunched over his desk, with one hand in his hair and a sore look on his face.

"Potter, a little underdressed for detention aren't you?" Lily cracked a grin.

James stood up as soon as he saw her. "Hey."

"I'm going to the game," Lily said to him, leaning against the doorway. "You gonna be okay here by yourself?"

James scowled and sighed, hanging his head. "Yeah… I should have been smarter, and not just acted…"

Lily walked over, with a sad frown. "You can't always be the bigger person James."

"That sounded REALLY weird coming from you." He chuckled, his hands sliding in his trouser pockets.

"Well," She shrugged, thinking of their relationship. "A lot of things changed this year."

"Yeah, I guess we they have." He acknowledged.

James eyed her in complete awe of the way she was looking at him, the way she was smiling. He'd seen her with guys before. She's had a few boyfriends, but even back then he'd never seen her look at any of those guys the way she was looking at him.

Lily shifted forward and then rocked backward with an uneven laugh. "Well I'll see you later…"

"Yeah."

Before she could rethink it, she leapt forward and gave him a big hug. His lanky, arms slipped around her and her face settled into his chest. She squeezed her arms around his back. "I'm glad we're friends again."

He wanted more. James would always wanted more when it came to Lily, because frankly he never felt more alive then when he was with her and she had the ability to make happy even when he saw nothing in the world to be happy about.

Beaming, he lifted her up and tightened his grip on her. "Me too."

Lily breathed in the scent of his cologne and was a little sad when he put her down, but she still gave him a smile. "Don't work too hard Potter."

He said, "I won't Evans," and watched her walk away with a goofy smile plastered on his face.

* * *

Arriving at the Gryffindor section of the stands, Lily found that going up the stands this time wasn't as hard. Training with Marlene's brother had helped and though her body still was the same scrawny nothingness, she had endurance that wasn't there before and gave her a happy little kick. That helped give her some optimism for when she looked around and tried to find a place to sit. She did know everyone in this section, but there was a difference between knowing someone, and knowing someone well enough to sit through a Qudditch game with them. After all, Marlene had mentioned that sometimes games can go on for months. Obviously she wouldn't stay that long, but if it lasted a few hours, she didn't want to sit with someone she couldn't last a conversation with for a few hours. Scanning she saw Peter sitting with Heather near Alice and Marlene's sister Molly and Taylor Swanson, a seventh year Ravenclaw. There was a gap between Peter and Alice with a view of where Remus and Dorcas were sitting.

"Hey guys do you mind if I sit here?" Lily asked Peter and Alice with a friendly smile.

"Sure Lily," Peter said shifting closer to his girlfriend to make room, while Alice shrugged.

Dorcas glanced over anxiously, and Lily gave her a very firm thumbs up. When Remus looked, Lily pretended to be looking somewhere else until he looked away. Taylor and Molly talked next to Alice about how James's absence would affect the game. They had gotten a substitute, but considering this was the game for the cup that made everything much more heated.

Lily turned to Peter and said, "I just went to check on James…He seemed alright."

Peter looked at her and replied, "He'll be okay. If it was his last year he would have lost it, but there's always next year if we lose."

"How are you doing with Slughorn's project Heather? Slughorn was telling me about it."

Heather made a face, "It's awful. My partner won't do his half so I'm stuck doing all of it."

"Have you tried talking to Slughorn?"

"Yeah, but he just told me to do my half…He's a little sexist." Heather added with frown.

Lily didn't deny it. "What did he do?"

"He implied that it was my job as a woman to nag my partner into working." Heather said her little button nose scrunching up in annoyance. Peter laughed under his breath at her expression.

"That sucks. I'm sorry Heather. Did you try talking to him? Slughorn isn't always aware of how he acts."

"No," The younger girl didn't seem to have thought of that. "I mean …he's a professor…Can I do that?"

Lily grinned at her the innocent look on her face. "Yes you can. I can talk to him for you if you want."

"You should let her. She's Slughorn's favorite." Peter pipped in.

Hitting Peter's arm, Lily laughed, "Oh shut up Peter."

"You act like I'm lying."

"I'm done talking to you!" She announced dramatically, twisting around to face the field.

Heather and Peter snickered at her reaction, and out of the corner of her eye she saw Peter kiss Heather on the cheek. It was so cute to watch because the blonde fifth year Hufflepuff giggled and whispered, 'I love you,' to him, which he quietly replied the same thing. Lily had seen them having a row about a week back, but rarely did she see them fighting. It was funny everyone but Heather, saw that she could do better than Peter, but the longer they were together the more they complimented each other. Peter was stronger, happier and more confident when he was with her and as someone who didn't really know either one of them really well it was adorable to see.

She knew he must have gotten crap for dating a Muggleborn since he was a pureblood, but clearly he loved Heather more than he cared about blood status, because he never for a second even considered giving her up, and that was something Lily kind of admired about him.

Glancing around waiting for the game to start, Lily noticed Alice was looking at her. "What?"

"I…" Alice began sheepishly, "I should apologize," Alice admitted so only Lily could hear her. Her blue eyes centered on Lily remorsefully. "I've been…well since Mary, I've been avoiding you, Mar and Dora. And I'm sorry. It…It wasn't Marlene's fault, or any of yours. I just…"

Lily gave her a sympathetic look. "You just miss Mary."

"I do…She's my best friend…Think how'd you feel if it _was_ Mar." Alice whispered, her eyes full of tears.

Reaching over, Lily grabbed her hand without hesitation and squeezed it. "I miss her too. It's not the same…It's not and I know that, but you don't have to lose us too you know."

Alice looked surprised by Lily, but not in a negative way. "I know that now…I'm …I'm just sorry."

"I know, but you don't have to be. You just have to start hanging out with us again."

"I think I can try that."

"You better," Lily teased nudging her shoulder, "Because Dorcas was about to have a friendervention."

Alice laughed, her light brown hair fanning around her round face. "I can see that."

"But now that we are back on good terms," Lily scooted closer to her. "Remus and Dorcas are over there on their first date?"

"Oooh," Alice cooed, "I always thought they had good chemistry. He never fights with anybody."

Lily grinned, "I know!"

"Is he holding her hand?"

"Yeah…she's got to be freaking out." Lily mentioned, craning her neck to see Dorcas's face.

And Lily was right, Dorcas was freaking out. Ever since she met him down in the common room, her entire body was on edge. She just wore a tank top and some shorts, with her hair down and the usual amount of make-up. Nothing special really, but when she saw Remus's face she couldn't stop herself from blushing. He just…he just looked so happy to see her. It was completely unnerving.

"Good to go?"

"Yep," She nodded, not exactly sure what to do.

He stuck his hands in his pockets and they walked to the field in a tentative silence. Once they arrived to the staircase leading to the stands, Dorcas almost tripped in her wedges. Remus's arms shot out to catch her.

Laughing in relief, she smiled up at him and said, "Thank you."

"No problem…Why are you wearing those things anyway?"

"You wouldn't understand since you easily clear six feet, but I don't like being short."

"How do you plan to stay balanced?" He asked with a smirk.

Dorcas grabbed the railing more securely. "Like this?"

"Well how about," He paused slipping his right hand into her right hand, "This?"

Trying to fight off the smile that was threatening to take over her face, she sighed, "I suppose that might help."

"Well if it doesn't…" Remus feigned pulling his hand away, but her hand locked around his.

"No. I'd like balanced support." She said stiffly, though she didn't feel that way at all.

In the stands they found a spot near the front. Remus didn't let go of her hand once they sat down, but Dorcas couldn't think of anything to talk about. What did people talk about on first dates? School? Mutual interests? She tried to think of something witty to say, but her thoughts just all blended together into one large jumbled mess. At one point she had this overwhelming fear that her hands were sweating. How unattractive would that be?!

Dorcas glanced back and saw Lily. She wanted to convey with a single look how completely out of her element she was. Her heart rate was racing, and she knew that even if her palms weren't sweating, the rest of her body was. She could blame it on the heat, but that didn't explain why she couldn't stop tapping her foot.

She didn't know what she expected from Lily. After all what could Lily really do from the other side of the stands? But Lily just gave her a thumbs up and a look of complete and total faith, and suddenly that was enough to pull Dorcas out of her silent panick attack. Dorcas looked over at Remus and saw he was looking at the field, watching both teams set up.

"Okay…Are you sweating as much as I am?" She asked bluntly.

Remus gave her an odd look before chuckling. "Yes, I thought it was just me."

They both wiped their hands on their pants and laughed. "Well, I'm glad. I thought I was crazy."

"I wasn't going to say anything." He shrugged innocently.

Dorcas took his hand back, this time intertwining their fingers. "Yeah because you _knew_ I would."

"Maybe," He smirked devilishly.

"Ooh! They're starting!" Dorcas told him excitedly smacking his arm.

* * *

"So Sirius and Mar won't talk about it. Can you explain to me how we lost so badly?" James asked Lily two days later as they walked into the library.

Lily winced. "Well…It was kind of like a domino affect. We started off doing fine, we had two goals in the first five minutes, but then Sirius got thrown out of the game for fighting the other Slytherin beater. Then they started scoring like crazy and then the beaters ganged up on Marlene. She tried to do that spiny, dive thing, but they…" Lily paused once they reached the tables in the back. She grimaced, "The other teams beaters rounded on her and she couldn't fend them both off."

He sighed, running a hand through his hair while taking out their Potion's review. "It's my fault. I'm their captain…I should have been there."

"Nothing you can do now." Lily shrugged hiking herself up to sit on the window ledge.

"Are you planning to study?" He asked eyeing her lack of study materials.

"I did already." Lily replied adjusting her skirt. "I'm just going to quiz you and that will help cement it to memory."

"I suppose that could work."

"Don't beat yourself up too bad. There's always next year."

James shrugged, and handed Lily the review sheet. For about an hour they went over each potion, how to make it and extra information Slughorn had given on each potion. They were almost finished. After they had planned to head to dinner and join up with everyone else for Charms review.

An owl soared outside and rapped on the window violently, scaring the shit out of Lily. After letting out a small scream, she clutched her heart and let out slow breaths. "I'm never going to get used to that…"

James popped up and opened the window, his face whitening. "…It's my mum's owl."

Lily's faced dropped and she watched his expression carefully. "What does it say?"

James froze reading the letter in horror, his body hunched over and he mumbled, "_Oh no_."

"What is it?"

"Where is Marlene…?" He asked her in a low broken voice.

Lily furrowed her eyebrows, kicking her legs back and forth. "She had to go home. She didn't elaborate…Why what is it?"

"My mum…she just heard…" James eyes lifted from the parchment to her curious green eyes, "Marlene's mum died."

"Oh god…Oh god…" Lily gasped, clamping a hand over her mouth. "Mar…she was there…wasn't she?"

James nodded numbly, his body shaking slightly. "We have to find her."

Lily jumped off the ledge, and pocketed her wand. "How do you know she's here?"

"She wouldn't stay there." James whispered, tossing his stuff in his bag and moving out of the library in a flash. "Marlene won't ever go back there."

They searched everywhere, but James didn't have the Marauder's map on him so it made the process a lot more difficult. Finally James thought of something.

"She won't go somewhere that people would naturally look. She'd be in the Dark Tower."

Lily asked, "Wait what's that?"

"The Dark Tower? It's used as a prison."

"A prison?! At Hogwarts?"

"There's a lot of odd, dark things in this castle," James answered vaguely, "…I just…I hope she's okay. She…I don't know, but after losing the game, and I don't know there seemed something to be bothering her lately."

"Yeah I've noticed that, but I didn't know what it was about."

James and Lily started moving faster once they reached the steps. There were seven floors, once they reached the top they were both out of breath and surprised to see Dorcas, Remus, Peter and Sirius already there. It was comforting at first, but then James saw how they were all standing their clueless as to how to handle the situation.

Marlene was in a just a pair of shorts and her Quidditch practice jersey, stumbling and taking generous gulps of the bottle of firewiskey in her hand. Her face was bright red, puffy and full of tears, but she wasn't actively crying and that made Lily more nervous. Tears meant Marlene was processing and handling her emotions. Drinking and walking near the edge of the tower barefoot, meant she was not handling anything.

"Well look who has decided to join the party!" She yelled rising her almost drained bottle. "These people arrived…SHORTLY before you did! I don't know whhhhhy!"

Remus looked at the others and spoke up first, "Mar-"

"Oh…Remus! _Do_ shut up before you start." She laughed coldly, "I still owe you a punch in the face for the way you treated me, BUT since you are dating myself best friend I will let it go!" She looked down and said to herself, "_I'm so generous…_"

"Mar-" Dorcas tried anxiously.

"OH DORA. Dora, Dora, Dora." Marlene made a face, "My dear friend. You may leave! As much as I cherish you, I'd rather you and Remus go off and snog."

Dorcas winced. "Mar-"

"**LEAVE**!" Marlene shouted suddenly her face deadly calm. "I love you both, and I support you being together, but right…" She let out a sick laugh. "Right now, I can't stand the look of anything happy. SO LEAVE."

Remus and Dorcas shared a look with James and Lily.

"I MEAN you all can leave!" Marlene stated firmly. "I'd really rather all of you not be here right now."

James broke from the crowd and walked forward. "Marlene."

"James!" She called happily before drinking again, "Oh James!"

"Marlene." James said drawing close to her, and trying to put his arm around her. "Come on, let's go."

"No James." She snapped sliding away from him. "I'm not going to calm down, or go with you. I'm not going to be good anymore! I'm so sick and tired of trying to be the best person…. Because I am so incredibly STUPID. Why do I think I can do anything? Why do I think I can change anything? _You can't save anybody_…Why did I think I could? Why do I always think I have any sort of power over anything?"

Sirius came didn't bother saying anything. He just strided towards her and attempted to take the bottle away from her.

"_DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME_! YOU CAN KISS MY ASS!" She screamed at the top of her lungs at Sirius, stumbling away from him. "YOU …_youu_!"

Sirius's voice became softer. "Mar-"

"NO! _NO_! I was there for you! I'M ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU!" She breathed at them, "ALL OF YOU! And why?! Why?! What good does it get me?!"

Marlene shook her head, and then she looked at Lily, "You remember last class with Snape? You know what he said to me? He said that it must be nice to have it all together…" He voice faded and her lips began to quiver before she continued, "And I started crying after class, because of how wrong he is. I have NOTHING! My family…is broken; you guys are all …_coupling off_! And…" Her gaze lingered on Sirius before she dissolved into tears. "And I _was_ seeing someone! My sister was right…she was right about the whole thing…and now it's over…Everything done and…I…I have…I…just…nothing."

"That's not true Mar," Peter interjected gently.

Marlene's rage disappeared, after she took just one look at Peter. "It's my… my fault Pete," She sobbed violently, doubling over. "I should.. I should have done more. I should have…I should have…"

She chucked the now empty bottle against the back wall and dropped to the stone floor. Without thinking Lily darted over and fell down beside her. She sat behind her and banded her arms around her.

"LLilly," She stammered unable to speak clearly any longer.

Loosening her grip on her Marlene, Lily shifted to force Marlene to look at her. "Hey, hey, hey…Look at me, look at my face," Marlene did and Lily told her in a resolute voice, "You aren't alone, we will always be there for you. You will never be alone."

James silently came over to them and stroked Marlene's hair out of her wet face. "We love you and were not going anywhere."

"It ..it hurts ssso much." Marlene cried, squeezing her eyes shut as she buried her head into Lily's stomach, completely and entirely falling apart. "It just…It hurts."

"I know it does." Lily said remembering how she felt when her own mother passed, "But Dorcas and I have been through this. We will be here for you. You aren't alone."

James lowered down beside them and wiped the tears off Marlene's face, and said to the others, "We've got this...Pete, get her some food. She'll need food to sober up. Sirius and Remus go see how her sisters are doing, she'll want to know after she calms down...Er.. Dorcas…I don't know what you want to do."

Dorcas walked over and sat across from them while Lily cradled Marlene, holding her tightly while James reached forward and held both of her hands firmly. "I'm good here."

"Okay," James gave the other three a look and told Marlene tenderly, "You'll be okay Mar…You'll be okay."


	43. Sorry Guys!

So I deleted that filler chapter and that messed up the chapter order. So I DID UPDATE! The chapter before this is new, but if you have already reviewed, 'chapter 47,' please feel free to leave your review on this one. Sorry for the confusion.

I love you guys!


	44. Into The Dark

**Part II**

* * *

_I'm feeling better_  
_Since I surrendered_  
_You cant climb till you're ready to fall  
_**-Ben Lee-**

* * *

The beautiful thing about time is that it may not heal wounds or fix anything really, but it gives people the opportunity to change and grow. Some people chose to take the opportunity and become better people; others just let the chance slip through their fingers.

Sirius left the Potter house, stopping only to kiss Mrs. Potter goodbye, before going out for the night. A few times, she considered talking to him about his nightly pursuits, but once she thought of his age, she stopped herself and just focused on taking care of the other two young adults living in her household.

Just as the sun began it's descent outside, a female voice yelled, "POTTER!...Yo, POTTTER!"

James snorted; he'd been lying back against his bed tossing a Quaffle into the air, shirtless for the past twenty minutes. "Yes?"

"'Mere!"

Rolling his eyes, he leapt to his feet, tossed the Quaffle aside and walked down the hallway to the room two rooms away from his. He crossed his arms and leaned in the doorway of the recently habited room.

"Yes Commander?" He said wryly.

"I can't reach the top of the dresser," She whined. Dorcas was in some plain shorts and a dark red tank top teetering on the edge of her desk. "Can you help?"

James briskly walked over and without using his legs; he, without any effort, lifted her up off the desk and placed her on the floor. "You're going to break something if you keep doing that."

She rolled her eyes swiping her brown curly bangs out of her face. "Oh fuck off Potter."

"Why are you cleaning and more why without magic?"

"Why are you walking around the house shirtless?" She countered giving his chest an approving nod before smirking. "Lily isn't here you know."

James grinned, "I'm aware."

"Then what's this?" She gestured to him again, "You trying to compete with Black?"

Shaking his head he sat down on her bed. "No, I've just been working out with Mar and she wants me to bulk up for Quidditch."

"Ha!" Dorcas snorted, hiking herself up to sit on the desk. "Quidditch my arse."

James shook his head again, but couldn't keep the amusement off his face. For a month, they'd lived in the same house and they'd hung out, but Dorcas wasn't stupid. She knew exactly what Marlene was up to. Despite whatever personal turmoil Marlene was going through she always managed to have a two-track mind about things. And it was clear that one of those tasks was buffing James out.

Did he look like a male model? No.

His imperfect eyesight, long nose, and naturally thin build and he had a scar along the side of his face, but he was still extremely good looking. Before he was just average good looking, not bad to look at but nothing swoon worthy. Now, in the month since school ended, he had added fifteen pounds of muscle and was really toned. Dorcas had to hand it to him; he was up to Sirius's level now, which was pretty much impossible to get to.

She knew that James had started working out with Mar to spend more time with her and to help her cope, but after a while Dorcas could see he was excited to see the side effects. With anyone else he might have to play sheepish and humble, but Dorcas was the one person who would call him out on that immediately. So he didn't even bother.

"So are you going to go show her your new hot bod?" Dorcas asked wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

"I've written her."

"Yeah, but you haven't seen her since school let out…_Why is that_?"

Taking a moment, he laughed and hung his head. "What do you want me to do Dora?"

"I want you to go over there like that, and seduce the pants off of her." She said firmly.

James ran his hands through his hair with a heavy sigh. "I don't know…"

"Come-_ON_! Where's the Potter confidence at?" She groaned, gripping the sides of the desk.

"I dunno…" He shrugged, but then looked at her with a serious expression. "Have you talked to Mar today?"

Dorcas yawned, shaking her head, "No. I think Lily said she's going to hang out with her tomorrow."

"Good. She could use to get out."

"You know it was Sirius right?" Dorcas said flatly. "The guy she was seeing."

James's lips thinned and his face grew tighter, "Yeah. I figured that out."

"How do you feel about that?"

"They aren't together anymore so it doesn't really matter does it?" James said, his voice flat, but sharp.

Dorcas frowned and shrugged. "I guess not…I was just curious if that dampened things with you and him…I haven't seen either of you together as much."

"Well that doesn't have anything to do with Marlene. He's been out scavenging the town for women. I went with him at first…but I don't really like to lay and leave them." James admitted with a scowl. "He seems to be trying to prove something to himself."

"And you think, that has _nothing _to do with Marlene?" Dorcas questioned, her eyebrows rising.

James paused and pushed himself up to his feet. "I don't know, but I'm not going to worry about it. He will be fine."

"I hope you're right." Dorcas said lightly, though the disbelief was clear on her face. "In the meantime, I might pop in on Peter later."

"Not visiting Remus?"

Dorcas's face fell and she slumped off the desk to the floor. "I dunno. He hasn't talked to me all week…It seems I'm not too popular this summer."

James glanced at her and wrapped an arm around her. "You sure you don't want to come see Lily?"

"So you are going," She brightened up quickly. "'atta boy!"

"Are you going to be okay?" He asked sincerely.

She scoffed and pushed him away, "Go loverboy. I'll be just fine."

"You sure?" James said again, lingering in the doorway.

"Yes!" Dorcas said throwing a pillow at him. "Go put on respectable clothes and sweep the young princess off her feet."

He laughed at her and walked away.

* * *

Once he was gone, the smile faded on Dorcas's face, she closed her bedroom door and sat down on the edge of her bed.

It should have been odd for her to be in someone else's house, sleeping every night on someone's guest bed, but she'd gotten used to it quickly and before she knew it, she felt perfectly at home in the Potter mansion.

Of course Mr. and Mrs. Potter and James helped the transition, but it still seemed extremely strange to her how natural it all came. But, she guessed it might have been a counter action to how boring and lifeless her love life was.

It started out great. It really did.

She really fancied Remus, not love, she didn't love him, but she liked him a lot. They hadn't gotten that far physically or emotionally, but sometime over the past week he started pulling away. Dorcas didn't know if it was just his M.O or if there was honestly a reason, but she didn't like feeling this way. She was always in control and never let anyone else make her feel less than she was, but she felt…helpless. What was she supposed to do? Just go over to Remus's house and call him out on it? Wouldn't that make her more pathetic?

There were plenty of times she could have owled Lily to talk to her about it, but …she felt ashamed that she'd even have to bring it up. This was the first relationship she'd ever been in and she didn't know if she was wrong or crazy, but she also didn't want to alert her friends if she was overreacting.

No. She needed to handle this on her own like how she handled everything else in her life. Dorcas wasn't a patient person. If he was done with her or off shagging someone else she wanted to know now. Not wait till he was good a ready to talk about it, but now when she was ready to deal with it.

Arriving at his quaint house, she knocked on the front and kept her head high. She had nothing to be afraid of. If he didn't want her then he wasn't worth her time.

Looking around the forest-lined perimeter, she began to tap her foot. All of the things she would say and the way she would say them, circled around her brain, faster and faster until she had a good amount of rage building inside of her. Remus wasn't the one who answered the door however, it was his mother; a petite, brown eyed woman, with broad shoulders and a dirty rag in her hands.

"Hi Mrs. Lupin. I'm-"

"Dorcas right?" She asked looking her over. "I recognize you from the pictures Remus showed me."

Blinking, Dorcas was a little thrown off. Remus had told her about his family, but she had never met them.

"Oh…ye-ah." Dorcas breathed in confusion.

"Remus is sick. My husband…he came down with it first and Remus caught it." She explained, her voice soft. "You're his girlfriend, right?"

Dorcas blushed, nodding. "Yes…I am."

"Well it's nice to meet you. He mentioned you in one of his letters."

"…_He did_?"

"Yes of course. Would you like to come in?"

"Um, yes…thank you."

Her palms were sweaty. Not a little bit either, enough to wear she had to wipe them on her shorts. She didn't know what she really been expecting, but it wasn't this. She was never trained or prepared to meet his parents. For some reason her mind never went that far. Of all the things she made herself face she never thought of this. She never thought she'd meet his parents.

Why didn't she think that was possible? She's met a bunch of her friends parents, why would it seem so wrong for her to meet Remus's?

Then it hit her hard, as Remus's mother was giving her a tour. She never thought Remus would be able to let her in this far. Marlene was the type of girl who met the parents and did the whole thing. No one ever wanted Dorcas to meet their parents and they still didn't. Remus hadn't invited her over; she had come over on her own accord. This wasn't right.

Suddenly she tried to think of a good excuse to leave. Her chest tightened uncomfortably and she tensed up, cradling her arms around herself. She felt awful; this wasn't supposed to be something she forced on someone. Someone was supposed to want her and love her enough to want their parents to meet her. It was too late though; she'd met his mother. She was adorable with her apron and flower patterned housedress. His father was in the living room in a worn rocking chair, cocooned with blankets. He didn't say much as he was obviously ill, but he still smiled when she came near and asked what house and year she was.

"Your house is lovely Mrs. Lupin," Dorcas said genuinely.

She smiled up at Dorcas, "I appreciate you coming over to see him…I worry about him."

"He has a lot of friends, and the teachers really like him."

"Oh yes I know, but…well he gets sick-"

Dorcas intercepted, "Because he's a werewolf?"

Mrs. Lupin's eyes bulged. "You…You _know_?"

"We all do and we don't care."

"You stay with him despite it?"

Dorcas wasn't sure how to answer that because it really wasn't a factor. So she said, "I stay with him because of him."

Mrs. Lupin smiled widely, and put a hand on Dorcas's cheek, "You're a good girl."

"I don't know about that." She laughed dryly, though she didn't move away.

"His room is that door over there," She pointed to the door on the other side of the kitchen. "Do you want to stay for dinner?"

Dorcas hesitated, "Only if I can help you."

Mrs. Lupin chuckled, placing her hands on her wide hips. "I would like that."

"Then I will be back." Dorcas promised, before tiptoeing over the grey carpeting to Remus's room.

* * *

She cracked open the door and took a look in. After she did, she realized she should have knocked. Not that he was doing anything wrong or personal, but it just occurred to her that though they'd been dating for two and a half months she still should knock first. It wasn't her intention to just invade his privacy, but she didn't want to wake him if he was asleep.

He wasn't asleep, but he didn't look entirely awake either. She stepped inside carefully, shutting the door she walked over and sat on the edge of his bed. Remus was shirtless, tangled in his sheets, his eyes heavy and his body glistening with sweat.

"Hey," She said in a hushed voice.

"..Dora?"

She nodded, "It's me…how long have you been sick?"

"All week." He groaned.

"Why didn't you tell anybody?"

"I knew…" He took a second to let out a haggard breath, his forehead trickling with sweat, "I knew if you knew I was sick…you'd come…I didn't want you to get sick."

Dorcas starred at him wildly, her eyes watering. "You…you are such an idiot!"

"I know."

She shook her head. "I'm going to get you a wash cloth, help you change out of whatever you are wearing under there and get you into the shower."

A feverish smile flickered onto his face.

"I don't know what you are smiling about mister. I won't be in there with you. You're mother is home."

"If she wasn't?"

"Why don't we talk about that when you feel better? Okay?"

"Deal," He choked.

First Dorcas explained to Mrs. Lupin what she was doing. The last thing she wanted was the woman thinking she was stripping Remus for another reason. Then, while he was soaking in the bath, Dorcas took all of his bedding, washed it and organized everything. It wasn't hard, but it reminded her of when her mother was sick. Her father would come home and help as much as he could, but during the day Dorcas would do everything for her mother. It had been awhile since she had taken care of anybody but herself, but she got back into the grade quickly.

Helping him into his pajamas, she slipped him into his bed and forced him to drink some water and swallow his medicine. Remus went along with it, he wasn't really conscious. Dorcas felt sorry for him. If he weren't a lycanthrope he would have been able to fight it easier.

She considered leaving, but she could tell Mrs. Lupin needed help. So she politely asked if Mrs. Lupin minded if she slept on the couch for the night. Naturally she made up an excuse about how she was too tired to apparate when really she went in every six hours to check on Remus and when Mrs. Lupin went to bed Dorcas cleaned the large pile of dishes and cleaned the kitchen. It was a bit beyond what she should have done. Only hours earlier she'd never met the Lupin's before, but she couldn't seem to sleep thinking that all that work awaited Mrs. Lupin the next day.

The plan was that when she woke up, she'd fold the blanket she used, check on Remus and leave. Not wanting to over state her welcome Dorcas woke up at 9 o'clock and did everything like she planned. Mrs. Lupin was starting breakfast, when she walked by and she grabbed Dorcas's arm to stop her.

Immediately, Dorcas froze thinking she was going to get scolded. It was what she had grown up with and what she was used to, but it was going to be worse coming from a parent she actually respected and liked.

Mrs. Lupin didn't look reproachful or strict, her brown eyes were big and her lip was trembling. "Did you clean up last night?"

"I'm sorry," Dorcas looked down, "I…I know I shouldn't have. This isn't my house-"

The older woman wouldn't even let her finish. She pulled Dorcas down hard for a hug. "That is the sweetest thing…Thank you."

Dorcas let out a gasp, and smiled. "…You're…you're welcome."

Releasing Dorcas, she wiped the tears away. "_Forgive me_! I'm overly emotional. I _just_…I'm so glad my son has found a nice girl…Not that Marlene wasn't nice! But they just didn't seem to fit together."

"They're friends now."

"That's good…Go on then. I'll come get you when breakfast is ready." Mrs. Lupin waved her away.

* * *

Remus was awake when she came in, and seemed to have sweated out his fever. His amber eyes were clear and his color had returned to his skin.

"You look like your feeling better." She acknowledged.

He tilted his head, "Why are you over there?"

Laughing, Dorcas sauntered over. "Do you want anything?"

"No, I'm fine."

She swiped his hair out of his face, his hand shot out and caught her hand and trapped it against his chest. "I thought it was a dream."

"You thought what was a dream?"

"You."

She furrowed her eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"I got your letter and I was going to write back, but I couldn't focus…" He grimaced. "Sorry."

"I just…I was worried. I thought…" She bit her lip. "I thought you were ignoring me."

Remus's thumb rubbed her hand. "Like I could ever ignore you…"

Her dark hair was, for once messy. She wasn't wearing any make-up or heels and she still looked pretty to him. He couldn't believe this. He couldn't believe she had stayed, met his parents and taken care of him. All without being asked, all without any obligation to do so.

She blushed under his gaze, her eyelashes fluttering. "Uh…your is mum is very kind and so is your dad."

"Not the way I wanted you to meet my parents." He laughed hoarsely. "But I suppose it will do."

"You… _wanted_ me to meet your parents?"

He nodded, as if it were obvious. "You're my girlfriend."

"Oh…"

"But," He corrected himself as he saw the sadness resting on her face. "That's not why."

"Why then?" She asked, her voice barely lifting.

"Because I fancy you and because…when I look at you …I just…I'm happy. I don't have to try. I don't have to forget who I am. I can be me and still be happy, because I'm with you."

She swooned a bit, but tried to act as if she didn't. "I think your fever is coming back."

"Nope."

"Then you're mad."

Remus smirked, "Well I am a Marauder."

Rolling her eyes, she said, "You say that like that's something to be proud of."

"Oh?" He began before releasing her hand and tickling her sides.

Dorcas squealed and moved around trying to avoid him, but failing horribly. Finally after several giggling pleas for him to stop. He scooped her up beside him and kissed the tip of her nose.

"I'm going to go shower. Are you staying for breakfast?"

"Yes." She nodded.

He grinned contentedly, his arms wrapping around her waist. "Good."

* * *

A feeling rose up inside of him as he held her. It had been there before, he remembered feeling it vaguely once when she fell asleep on him in the common room. It was happiness, but it was softer and stronger than that. He couldn't think of how to explain it. Remus had never felt anything like it and ever since then it had began to grow. It grew when he discovered if she laughed too hard she would snort and when he discovered she had the same deep affinity with chocolate that he did. But mostly it developed in the moments in between, the moments that he himself wasn't aware of until after they happened.

Most people can't possibly pinpoint the moment when they understood they were in love with someone else, but when it came to Dorcas Meadowes, Remus Lupin could. He knew in that moment that he loved her. He loved how she was in fact tough, but could be softer when nobody else was around. He loved how fiercely independent she was but also how considerate and caring she could be towards other people when no one was looking. Mostly, he loved how she was always just herself, didn't pretend to be anyone else and didn't want him to be anyone else.

"Dora," He began nervously, his chest rising and falling quickly. "I need to tell you something…but when I do I want you to know I don't expect you to say anything."

She eyed him oddly. "Okay…Are you alright?"

"Yes," He smiled vibrantly, "I'm great actually….I just…I...Well I love you…and I understand that you weren't expecting me to say that and I'm sorry if this is too soon-"

Dorcas pressed her finger to his lips; her expression was dazed as she looked at him. "Hold it…I need a second, to process what you…have-just-said."

"Okay," He murmured.

"…Are…Are you sure? Because you can't just say that if you don't mean it. I'm not Marlene. I won't take that kindly. I will attempt to mur-der you-"

"I mean it." He told her resolutely, his eyes fixed on hers, "I wouldn't say it if I didn't."

Dorcas began to tremble in his arms. "…I don't know if I feel that much yet."

"That's okay." He said ignoring the disappointment that was creeping up on him.

"Don't get me wrong…I think I do…but I don't want to say it just because you did. You know?"

He nodded in understand.

"God, now you _hate me_." She groaned, clutching her face.

"No," He promised, cupping her face, "I don't."

Remus kissed her and Dorcas left to go help his mother in the kitchen. He didn't regret saying it. He felt it, he should say it, and he should tell her how he felt. Though when he was alone he admitted himself that he was a little let down that she hadn't immediately said it back. It was too soon for her and he would just have to wait and be patient. After all if James could wait for Lily for years, he could wait however long Dorcas needed.

He laughed at the thought that James's pursuit of Lily had actually taught him something, but shook off the feeling. At least she didn't laugh in his face or say she wasn't feeling the same way. That was a start.

* * *

"JAY!" Mrs. Potter called, rising up the stairs slowly to her sons room. "JAY!"

"WHAT?" He called back.

She kicked open his door and frowned, "What are you doing?"

"Reading Quidditch Through The Ages…." He said drifting off, with furrowed eyebrows. "Whyyyy?"

"Why don't you go out?" She asked curiously.

"Are you trying to get rid of me?"

Rolling her eyes, Mrs. Potter walked into her sons messy room and sat down in his desk chair. "No. If I had my way, you'd live with me forever…I just don't want you cooped up in the house all summer."

"I've gone out with Sirius loads of times! And Marlene comes over five times a week to work out with me. We work out outside, you know. So I'm not cooped up. I just don't have anything to do at this particular moment."

"You could visit Remus, Peter or Marlene."

Sitting up he counted on his fingers, "Dorcas just went to see Remus," He put one finger up, "Peter is with his girlfriend in Spain." He put another finger up, "Marlene is at a Quidditch match with her dad."

"Well I'm not going to let you sit around doing nothing. Tomorrow you're going to go to work with your father."

James threw up his hands in frustration. "I'm reading! You're the one who always made me read when I was little and what? Now it's not important? Is that what you're saying? That literacy should be banned? Great example mother, great example."

"You've read that damn book a hundred times James." She scolded him, "You need to get out."

"For years you complain that I'm always in trouble, but now that I'm not doing anything wrong…" He scoffed in exasperation.

"Why don't you go see that other friend of yours?"

"What other friend? Most of my other friends are on holiday or graduated."

"You know the little ginger girl you're in love with."

Blushing, James crossed his arms. "Her name is Lily."

"Yes, I know. I've met her."

"What? When did you meet Lily?"

"At your Christmas party."

"AHA! I KNEW IT!" He exclaimed, pointing at her accusatorily, "I knew you snuck down!"

"I met her upstairs, James." Mrs. Potter waved her hands dismissively. "Why don't you invite her to come with us to the cabin? Marlene and Dorcas are already coming along with the boys."

"Maybe I will," He mocked, making a face at her. "What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to go volunteer. They need more hands at St. Mungos," Scooting off her chair, she grabbed his face, fixed his hair and planted a kiss on his forehead. "You be good while I'm gone."

He teased, "I'll do what I can."

James watched his mother leave and sighed. Ever since Dorcas left he'd been fighting with himself all day as to whether or not to go visit Lily. He didn't want to bother her. They had taken great strides to be friends and he didn't want rock the boat. Normally he loved to rock the boat and see what happened, but not with Lily. He had finally gotten her to like him, not love him, but like him and that was important….On the other hand, he hadn't seen her in a month and he had only talked her every other day…

Should he?

_…Should he?_

Letting out a strangled groan, James jumped off his bed and decided; yes, yes he should.

* * *

**Authors Note:**

So as you can see I'm officially off hiatus. Only 11 chapters were edited but I couldn't wait any longer to update. I want to thank all of you who left me notes and reviews urging me to return. I won't lie to you and say it didn't encourage me to write faster. I LOVE YOU! Also I put '_part II_' at the top because I kind of feel like this is segmented into different parts. THANK YOU FOR READING! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!


	45. With Me

_Through it all, I've made my mistakes._  
_I stumble and fall, but I mean these words._  
_I want you to know,_  
_With everything I won't let this go._  
_These words are my heart and soul._  
_I'll hold on to this moment, you know,_  
_As I bleed my heart out to show,_  
_And I won't let go._

**-Sum 41-**

* * *

As a seventeen year old, Lily really should have been home alone at some point in her life before, but she never really was. Petunia or her dad was always there with her. A month ago Petunia announced she was engaged and Lily hadn't seen much of her since. Not that she particularly minded, the less she heard about the horrible wedding the better things would be. The only thing she did mind was sleeping alone in a dark house. She liked to talk tough, but she was paranoid. Every time she heard a creak in the house she would panic and assume a serial killer was in the house.

Of course it never was anything. Lily knew she was crazy, that still didn't stop her from walking around her house with her dad's old cricket bat. She couldn't wait till he got back from Wales. He was only supposed to be gone for a night or two, but he called and said he'd be staying a day longer.

Yes she was seventeen, a legal adult in the magical world and yes she had gone through some trying experiences, but she was really an adult yet. There was still apart of her that was a little girl, terrified of the dark and wanting her mum and dad to hold her hand and tell her there were no monsters in her closet. But her mother was long gone and her father was out of town, so Sergeant Mittens, her loyal and just teddy bear would have to do.

Lily was excellent at potions but somehow not a very good cook, so she had gone out to get dinner and spent the rest of the night longing around different parts of the house with her record player and books in tow. So far she'd gotten through a lot of books on her summer reading list, but it was sort of relaxing to not rush through them and actually process them. Right now she was on a Jane Austen kick. She'd read Pride and Prejudice and was on Sense and Sensibility. Dorcas had mocked her mercilessly for reading a book with no sex, barely kissing and the slowest plot ever, but Lily didn't care. In her opinion slow love plots were the best. It gave her time to love the characters and gave the characters time to really fit together.

By nightfall, she was lying back on her bed, her pale scrawny legs hanging off the bed. Her fan was turned to its highest point in an attempt to suppress the overwhelming summer heat. By wearing a tank top and shorts, she had tried her best to adapt to the temperature, but she still was warmer than she would have liked to be.

After reading a line, her brows furrowed and though she was alone she read aloud, ""When so many hours have been spent convincing myself I am right, is there not some reason to fear I may be wrong?"

Biting the side of her lips she let the book fall onto her chest, and looked up at her blank ceiling. She'd read a million of things she understood and only a thousand that she could connect to, but this quote especially seemed to catch her. Overall Lily was quite proud of herself. Yes she hadn't cured any diseases or changed anyone else's life, but she had worked on her own and she liked to think she had become a better person over the past year; less judgy and more relaxed towards other people with… some understandable exceptions. Still there was one thing she really couldn't fix about herself no matter what she did.

She needed to be right and Jane Austen understood why completely. It wasn't that she just craved the control over being the most moral and just, but it was also the fact that if she wasn't right then she wasted so much energy and time convincing herself she was. There was several areas she could think about with this, but only one person's face came into her mind. The one person she had tried to not think about all summer but failed miserably.

Lily had originally hated him and that had worked until she realized that there was a lot of good in him. Then she tried to ignore him, didn't last long at all. Finally she gave up and decided to just be friends with him. At this point it was impossible for her to imagine not being friends with James. He was in her life and she couldn't even think of what her life would be like if she tried to cut him out of it. It just wouldn't work. So now she just had to make sure she kept him as a friend and didn't let them become anything else. She was already putting him in danger by being his friend and she knew how selfish that was, but it beyond the point where she could stop it.

She fancied him, but if she just kept him at an arms length maybe her heart would give up and stop hoping for a future that was never going to happen. That was the hope anyway.

If she were completely honest with herself, she would admit that she often dreamed about him. She'd also admit that when she was alone, she'd think of things he'd said or done and laugh to herself. The way she missed him ached inside of her. It wasn't the same as how she'd missed any other crush or friend and Lily did everything she could to will it away, but it wouldn't.

James Potter was like a disease. You could get use all the medicine in the world you want, but at the end of the day it doesn't make even the symptoms of the problem go away. In fact, the longer you're around him the stronger it gets.

Running her hands through her tangled crimson hair absentmindedly, Lily softly sighed. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. James was supposed to move onto another girl, fall in love, get married and have ridiculously good-looking children that Sirius would encourage to do troublesome things. She didn't fit anywhere into that scenario and she wasn't supposed to. Lily was supposed to graduate top of her class and go onto the Ministry where she would have a great career as…something. Then eventually she'd find a nice man and have kids that would have play dates with Marlene's.

James Potter wasn't a nice man. He was a scoundrel and best friends with the biggest man whore in all of Hogwarts. James could be sweet and he could be kind, but that didn't undercut his natural devious nature.

"Damn Potter…" He grumbled under her breath a millisecond before she heard a distant apparation crack in her hallway.

* * *

In a second, Lily sprung off her bed and reached for her dad's cricket bat. She closed her mouth to quiet down her breathing; she felt like her organs were expanding and her bones were crunching inward. Gripping the bat, she hesitated for a moment in the edge of her room as the footsteps came closer to her room. Fear quelled inside of her and she thought of what Dorcas would do.

Dorcas wouldn't hide; she'd face the problem head on.

Straightening her back, Lily took a deep breath and charged forward at the intruder, swinging wildly. She couldn't see who it was. The house was too dark, but she aimed for his stomach and legs. She'd hit him a few times, but then he began to block her swings. The man ducked and tried to yank the weapon away from her. She wouldn't let go, but he tugged so hard she flew backward into the doorframe. Lily ignored the blood gushing down her face and bolted for her wand.

"WAIT! WAIT! LILY! LILY! IT'S ME! IT'S JAMES!" He yelled throwing the cricket bat aside as soon as he stepped into the light.

"GODDAMN YOU! OWWWWW! DEAR GOD! OOWWWW!" Lily yelled, cradling the side of her face, "POTTTTTTTTTER!"

"I'M SO SORRY LILY!" James breathed in horrifying guilt. "_Are you alright? I'm so sorry_!"

She winced, blood dripping down her nose. "God!"

"Uh…" James panicked not sure what to do, he took out his wand and fixed her nose. "There you go."

"…You literally scared this shit out of me…_Fuck!._..I'm going to go wash the blood of my face," She muttered grumpily. He helped her up to her feet and she used her hands to feel her way to the bathroom.

The guilt filled James and he tried to think of what he could do or say to fix this. "I rang the doorbell, but nobody answered…I'm sorry I was worried."

"It's broken." Lily practically snarled, using the wet washcloth to swipe away the blood. "My dad keeps saying he'll fix it, but he doesn't know how."

"Why don't you just use magic?"

"I can't use magic right outside my house." Lily spat, opening the door, her face clean, but bright pink with a bruise straddling her nose and right cheekbone. "_I live in a muggle neighborhood_."

"Oh…right." He mumbled.

Lily eyed him darkly, "...Did you get taller?"

"A think an inch, maybe two. I'm taller than Mar now."

"_Great_…just what I needed. One more person to tower over me…" She said bitterly. Looking at him she felt bad, he didn't intentionally injure her and clearly felt bad about it. "…So what are you doing here Potter?"

He winced at the use of his last name. "I wanted to invite you…Um…" He scratched the side of his face. "We have a cabin by Lake Michigan in the states and the boys always come but were inviting you girls along to…I mean if you want to come…Of course you don't have to-" He said flustered.

Sighing, she raised a hand to stop him. "When is it?"

"August 17th-27th."

"I'm sure it will be fine." Lily said grimily. "I'm going to go get some ice for my face. Are you staying a while?"

"Uh sure…What were you doing?"

"Before you dislocated my face?...Reading and listening to music."

"Oh?" He asked curiously, following her down her staircase and pausing a few times when he saw pictures of her on the walls. "What music?"

"Well I listened to some Fleetwood Mac, Elton John, Pink Floyd, Queen, The Sex Pistols." Lily turned into the kitchen, grabbed a rag, scooped some ice out of her freezer, wrapped it in the rag and pressed that against her face. "Then I switched to ABBA, The Beach Boys, Bob Dylan and Buddy Holiday…you have no idea who I'm talking about do you?"

"Not-a-clue... Are those all British muggle bands?"

"Some are. The first few I mentioned were, the second half were American except ABBA…I'm not really sure where they are from…I think Sweden or something like that." She sat down at her kitchen table, her hand pressing the ice tighter to her face.

James sat down across from her, taking in her house with an amused expression on his face. "Your house is really nice."

"Thank you…Oh, you haven't been here before. I forgot."

"My dad gave me the address. He picked Dorcas up here once I think…" James shrugged; glad she couldn't see the faint blush on his face.

"What's new with you?"

"Nothing much…just bored really. Dorcas just left to see Remus and Sirius had been gone a lot lately."

Lily shifted back into her chair. "I'm sure he has. I wrote him last week, but he hasn't sent anything back."

"Yeah…He's been off."

"Because him and Mar broke off their thing." Lily said giving him a shrug. "I know you're trying to act like it didn't happen so you don't have to deal with it, but it did so eventually you will have to."

James's lips thinned. "I just would rather not think about my brother defiling my sister."

"Well," She snorted, despite the pain it caused, "when you put it like _that_."

James laughed at what he could see of her expression from behind the rag. "I'm just saying I'd rather not."

"Why are you going to beat him up too?" She mocked.

"…Woah…don't put that on me. You came at me with that piece of wood. I was just trying to get it away from you." James lifted his sleeve to show her the large bruise she had created. "See what you did?"

Lily relented a bit, extremely proud that she had done some damage of her own. "Okay fine. We both should have acted differently. I should have lit up the hallway so I saw it was you, and you should have announced it was you… but are you going to hit Sirius?"

"Maybe."

"How's that fair? You never did anything to Remus."

James leaned forward, resting his hands on the table. "That's different."

"How?"

"She broke up with him and he never talked much about it…So I kind of pretended it wasn't happening."

"That's a great method there Potter." Lily commented sarcastically.

James frowned, "Sometimes it's better to avoid something then accept things for what they are…Besides Remus didn't know what he was getting into. If Sirius was with Marlene he knew what he was doing."

"You think Sirius had a clue what he was doing? I love him. I do. He's like the brother I never wanted and begged my parents to send back. But he doesn't have a lot of common sense sometimes."

"No. He knows the difference between right and wrong. He's just impulsive and that can compel him to do things that are stupid and reckless…I just don't want to find out that Marley was one of them."

Lily couldn't deny him that. It was natural to want to protect his sister, but it did put him in a difficult spot with Sirius. She decided to change the subject, "So what have you been up to since we talked a few days ago?"

"Nothing really. I'm going to go with my dad to work tomorrow. It's my mum's idea, as is coming over here. She didn't want me to be home alone. Thought I'd get into trouble or something."

"Wise woman, I knew I liked her."

"She likes you too," James smiled. "Although I don't know what impression she made at my Christmas party…That's the only time you two met right?"

"I've met her at your birthday too. Remember?"

He frowned, how he had forgotten that? "Oh yeah, slipped my mind."

"Ugh." Lily mumbled, moving the ice off her face. "It's so weird, my whole body is normal, but my face is frozen."

"I'm really sorry…" He apologized profusely.

"It's fine. I know you didn't mean to. Do you know any spell that will reduce the swelling?"

"Actually I do, but you'll have to put the ice down. It will still be sore though."

Lily waved her hand dismissively, lowering the ice. "That doesn't matter. I just don't want to go the rest of the day with one eye swollen shut…It makes reading rather difficult."

James shifted out of his seat, and he slipped into the chair only a foot away from her. He carefully tucked her hair behind her ears, the tips of his fingertips grazing the surface of her skin. Lily tensed up as her skin warmed to the places his fingers had accidently grazed. James tried to control his breathing, and stay clinical, but he was so close to her that he found it extremely difficult to control his excitement. But he managed it.

"You do know what you're doing…_right_?" She asked in a low voice.

"My mother is a healer. She used to take Mar and I took work with her sometimes." He licked his bottom lip, drawing her attention to it. "It might be easier if you close your eyes."

Lily cringed.

"Do you trust me?"

"Hardly," Lily scoffed, closing her eyes.

James smirked; he cupped her soft face with one hand to keep her still and pressed his wand gently to her injuries.

* * *

Lily felt a tingling sensation spread across her face and without thinking about it, she relaxed against his hand. James noticed, and was nearly pulled his hand away in surprise. Patiently, she waited for him to finish and didn't move. If she was thinking logically she would have known he already was done and opened her eyes. But just for a few seconds, Lily didn't want to think logically. It was nice to be this close to James and not have to purposefully move away from him.

Being honorable was exhausting and James was honestly rethinking whether it was worth it or not. Yes he didn't want to mislead, hurt her feelings or violate her in any shape or form. He did however want to keep his hand on her face and trace her round cheeks with his thumb. This close he saw the freckles on her face that were normally covered up by make-up or too small to notice from a distance. His hazel eyes traveled over her face, recognizing how her top lip was just a little fuller than her bottom lip, and how one of her eyebrows was just barely thinner than the other, probably because she plucked them herself. Small, imperfections that no one else would have taken the time to spot.

"Um…" He cleared his throat with regret, dropping his hand. "You're fixed."

Lily couldn't help, but think he had made everything worse. Opening her eyes, she immediately stood up and walked around him, the place where his hand had been was still warm and reminding her that they had the house to themselves.

They were completely, and entirely alone and it scared Lily shitless. Not that she was scared of James in the slightest, but she was terrified of herself and her raging hormones. Now that her view wasn't obscured by her swollen face, or darkness, she wanted to throw herself off a very short cliff. He'd said he'd been training with Marlene to buff up a bit, but he'd lied. Buffing up a bit might have made him as big as say Alice's husband Frank, who wasn't ripped or anything fancy, but normal built with his arms toned. James wasn't huge either, but…he certaintly wasn't scrawny anymore. His shoulders, which had always been oddly wide for his thin bone structure, had become even wider, which defined how small his stomach and waist was. The other day Dorcas was rambling on about how women looked for men based on their shoulder to waist ratio, and if Lily added his now muscular arms to that she was sure James would be off the charts for someone his age.

Gulping, she looked away from him. "Uh…thank you."

"You're welcome." He replied quickly, standing up and walking up to her. "So want to show me some of those…What did Dorcas call them…recoids?"

Lily giggled, shaking her head. "They're called _rec-cords_, and sure. I left the player in the living room. Come on."

Moving into the living room, he was immediately fascinated by the baby pictures of her on the fireplace mantel. "Awww baby Lily! You were a little chubby ginger weren't you?" He cooed.

Lily blushed and punched him in the back. "Shut up. Yes I had red curly hair and chunky cheeks until I was six."

"You were adorable! I was just scrawny."

"Yeah well at least you had something consistent for a while." Lily scoffed, dropping down to the carpeted floor, and flicking through her expansive record collection. "I flip flopped from overweight to scrawny my whole life…What do you want to listen to? I have a bit of everything?"

James shrugged carelessly. "Whatever. I'm not picky with music."

He stopped looking when he saw a picture of Lily with her mother. There weren't a lot, mostly it was Petunia with their parents, but this was the only one Lily's sister hadn't snuck into. Lily looked to be about seven, and in one of her skinny phases. Her arms were locked around her mother and it was mad how alike they looked; same hair, same nose and identical smiles. James glanced over and saw her sitting cross-legged, bent forward, her hair in her face, her face scrunched up as she tried to decide what to play.

"How old were you when your mum died?"

"10."

He couldn't imagine losing either of his parents, especially at such a young age; they were so vital to his life. He didn't have a big family, just his two first cousins and his parents. The Potter line had been dying out for a while now, but it only made him closer to the family he had left. What made him sad though was looking at her family reunion picture, she had a huge family, but it seemed she was barely included in it. She was at the edge of the photo, and while the rest of the family members had linked arms or their arms around each other, she wasn't. In fact, she looked like she was trying to smile, but failing.

"Okay we are listening to The Beatles." Lily decided, slipping the record into place. "Side two first, because I love this song."

"_Here comes the sun (doo doo doo doo), Here comes the sun, and I say, It's all right…_" The Beatles sang softly.

He laughed, shaking his head, "I've heard this band before. Dorcas plays them all the time."

"Yeah…they're only the biggest muggle band of all time, and they're British."

"Naturally," James smirked, sitting down next to her. "So I read that book you lent Mar, Anna Karenina."

Lily flicked her hair out of her face, "Really? Did you like it?"

"Well…Actually yes, but it was depressing as hell."

"Yeah, but I love it. Most stories glorify love and make it so easy. They never tell what it's like after you get to be with the person you love. People can go crazy and love can drive someone crazy…" She stopped rambling. "I just like its honesty you know?"

He nodded. "I usually don't read books for that reason exactly. I hate Jane Austen."

"What?!"

"Oh come on!" He rolled his eyes, "You can't say you like that crap! The girls are all the same, whining about a man and then they don't get together until the end and it's all perfect and happy.

"Okay…I see your point, but…still I like the _idea_ of it."

James said, "Yeah, but that's because you're a girl."

"WHAT?!" Lily yelled furiously, standing up for no reason.

He stood up, cockily, looking down at her with a significant height difference. "You're a girl. Girls usually like to read about people falling in love."

"And what's wrong with that?!"

"Nothing. I never said that was wrong. I just like to get to the point."

Lily gave him a dirty look, turned and flipped the record to side A. When she returned to stand in front of him she crossed her arms. "You think just because you are a boy-"

"Why did you flip the recoid?" He interrupted.

"It's called a _record_, and I didn't like that song…BUT! That's not what I was talking about!"

He smiled, his eyes twinkling with delight. "I know, but it made you angry."

"Why do you like making me angry?!" She demanded, "_Why_? What is the pleasure in that for you?"

"You're face gets all flushed and you get all passionate."

"My face is the same pasty white color it always is! And I'm passionate because you are a prat!" She retorted furiously.

"Ah huh, want to dance?"

"WHAT?! _No_…what's wrong with you?!"

He laughed wildly, placing one hand on her lower back and locking his hand with her free one, despite her struggling against him. "Oh a whole hell of a lot Evans."

She glared at him as she moved with him. "Why are we dancing?"

"Because there's music and that's what people do."

"You…you are mad. This isn't even slow enough to dance to!"

"No, it's perfectly logical I assure you." He countered.

Lily let out a heavy sigh, grumbling under her breath. "Idiot…wanker…prick…"

"Just relax Lily, listen, the song is changing…See? That's easier to move to."

She was furious, what was wrong with him. Why was he dancing with her. Her jaw was tight as she reluctantly moved along with him. The longer the song went on though, the quicker her anger faded. He gradually pulled her closer and closer until her head was resting on his chest until they were just swaying back and forth.

In a flash, he suddenly grabbed her, spun her out and spun her back to him, earning a loud laugh from Lily. This time it was she who pulled him closer.

_"You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know. You stick around now it may show. I don't know, I don't know_," The music vibrated through the silent house.

* * *

Lily heart began to tremble, and she couldn't control herself. Her grip on him became tighter. She could feel his jaw resting against her forehead, and relished in the feeling in his hand in hers. It wasn't like anything she'd ever felt. It was attraction, but mixed with something…foreign and new.

The record was incomplete. Petunia had gotten it for Lily's 10th birthday from a used record store. So once the song was over, the record stopped, leaving a understated stillness in its wake.

They broke a part, both of their lips pursed and eyes wide. James hand held her tightly, and he licked his bottom lip, his breathing heavy as he looked down at her. She didn't know what he was going to do, but for the first time in her entire life she couldn't think, because she couldn't. Her mind was frozen.

James's eyes regarded Lily tenderly, his hand slipping up her back as he began to bend to kiss her. He expected her to stop him. Sure she'd been giving him a lot of signals, but Lily wasn't the type to do that on purpose. This was the time to stop him, because, he really couldn't hold back anymore. He had to kiss her.

Once his lips touched hers, she melted into him, her free hand going to grasp the back of his neck. His lips were soft and perfect. His kissing was not too rushed or pushy, but gentle and sincere. The longer he held her, the more intense the kiss became. His tongue didn't slip into her mouth, at first, but it might as well have. The heat of just that simple first touch shot through the both of them. Lily was pressing her chest against his, up on her tiptoes without a single thought of rationality. All she could think about was him and her and how good it felt to be embraced in the body she's been spending the better half of the past hour trying not to stare at.

Lily could have kept going, and she would have. Fuck purebloods, fuck anyone else who said anything to her about him or what they would be. She wanted him, god she wanted him so bad. And James would have never pulled away from her. Finally he had the woman he loved and he could show her exactly how he felt. There was no way she could think she wasn't important to him, just look at how he kissed her. He couldn't just kiss anyone like that. James loved her so deeply, he felt it in his very bones and surely she had to feel that too.

And she did. Just as she realized how deep-rooted her feelings for him were. She didn't just fancy him. This was more than that. It was so much more and it made her want to cry. How could she feel this much for one person?

An owl, or more accurately, Peter's owl pecked at the window and the first few knocks neither of them noticed. Then the noise became louder and they jolted apart.

"What the bloody hell…?!" James question furiously, twisting around.

"It's Peter's owl…" Lily breathed, foggily, stepping away from him, opening the window and taking the letter. She didn't even pretend to read it. She tossed it aside, her heart rate racing, and her mind bursting with the amount of new thoughts.

"Where were we?" He mused, drawing close to her.

"No! NO NO NO!" She shouted louder than necessary, backing away from him.

James put his hands up defensively and took a step back. "I thought you were…I'm sorry. Did I do something wrong?"

"No…You can't. I can't...we can't!" She spat before smacking him repeatedly. "You...BASTARD!"

"Ow! Ow! Oy! Stop!" James said, trying to block her well-placed blows.

"You can't make me fancy you! You can't do this to me! You horrible man!" She roared. "_How could you_?!"

James ran to the opposite side of the couch, outside of her range. "Wait a minute, WHAT?!"

"YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!"

"DO-WHAT?! I may be mad, but I'm pretty sure you were kissing me back!"

Lily whined, groaning to herself. "I know I was…but we can't do this-"

"_And why the hell not_?" He demanded, anger flickering onto his face. "What am I still not good enough for you or something?"

"_God you're dense_! You think you're the problem? _I fancy you_, as stupid as that is, I do, but it doesn't matter. You're a pureblood-"

"Do you think I give a rats arse about _that_?!" James fired back fiercely, "I love you. I don't care what your blood status, class, race or anything like that is._ I love you_."

"That's the problem!" She grew quiet, her eyes watering. "I don't want something happening to you because of me! Don't you understand?"

James frowned seeing the seriousness of her fear on her face.

"I read about muggleborn families being slaughtered everywhere. Do you think I want you to be included on that list because of me? _Do you_?"

Sighing, he walked forward and pulled her into a hug. "Nothing's going to happen to me."

"I know, but I just…I won't let you take that chance."

James wanted to fight her and he knew a day would come when he'd have to, but he didn't want to push her. The time would come for this to be a real issue, but it wasn't that time yet. Maybe she would come around on her own and see the truth. That James was in this fight whether it was about her or not simply because there was an injustice and he wouldn't sit by and idly watch. Maybe if he just stayed her friend, she'd even fall in love with him and would be unable to fight what James had to fight everyday. That was more of a hopeful wish, but if he gave her time, maybe Lily would prove him right.

"Cheer up," He told her, wiping her tears and making a face at her.

She laughed, "Sorry…that was a lot."

"It's fine," He feigned a sigh, "I knew eventually you'd fall madly in love with me."

Lily scoffed, hitting him lightly. "Thick-head."

"I'm not giving up." A smirk reappeared on his face, and he nudged her. "Youuuuu fancy me."

"Oh sod off." She said shaking her head, with a big smile, "You big prat. You're never going to let me live that down are you?"

"_No-pe_."

* * *

**Authors Note:**

Songs in this were _Here Comes the Sun_ and _Something_ By: The Beatles. This goes out to all of the warm wonderful people who have been flooding my email with reviews. I LOVE YOU ALL and WISH YOU ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD! I hope you guys like this! **PLEASE REVIEW!**


	46. Only The Young

_There in the distance_  
_Losing its greatest pride_  
_Nothing is easy, nothing is sacred, why?_  
_Where did the bow break?_  
_It happened before your time_  
**-Brandon Flowers-**

* * *

It had taken Lily forever to fall asleep after James left. Her mind just couldn't stop itself. It was masochistic how many times she replayed the feeling of his lips, his hands, his body pressed up against her. It was like how she always wanted it to feel and more, an unhealthy amount of more. She'd watched old black and white movies, before couples were shown to have sex and the most intimate thing they'd ever do would be kiss. And that kiss, since it was all they could show, was full of everything they couldn't say and weren't able to express.

Kissing James Potter was like that. _Just like that._

Soon she'd see him again, and she'd have to force herself to keep her distance and not act on the feelings she so foolishly shared with him. Lily wanted to scold herself, but she couldn't. There wasn't anyway she could have stopped herself. It was impossible. He was impossible. How could one boy cause so much trouble? How could one boy make her so mad? How could one boy make her feel this way?

Eventually though, she did fall asleep. She fell so deep into sleep, that she didn't hear the crack of apparation when it sounded. No, Lily was sprawled out on her bed, her hair a mess, slightly drooling and out cold. Dorcas would have laughed at the sight if she didn't have something she urgently needed to discuss.

"Lil…Lil…LILY!" Dorcas shouted, shaking her hard.

Lily gasped, as if she'd been drowning and received her first gulp of oxygen. "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL! …Dora?! What-!"

"Listen-"

Lily groaned, clutching her heart and whining slightly. "What is with everyone? Why do you all have to scare the shit out of me?!"

Dorcas ignored that and continued, "Remus said he loves me."

Lily's face dropped. "He…_did what?_!"

"EXACTLY! He…he said…_feelings_…and…" Dorcas drifted off, gesturing wildly while squinting at something that wasn't there.

"And…what did you say?"

"Nothing really. I stayed for breakfast, and then I bolted."

Lily paused, trying to catch up. "_Wait_…please tell me he knows you left."

"He does." Dorcas rolled her eyes. "I didn't run from him…or he doesn't think I did."

"He isn't stupid. I think he knows he freaked you out."

"Well what did he expect?! We've been dating two and a half months!" Dorcas exclaimed pacing back and forth. "I really like him, but love? LOVE? How could he possibly love me that quickly? He barely knows me!"

Lily pushed herself up to a sitting position and rubbed her eyes. Her hair was all over the place and the black eye she had received the day before still ached a bit. She would have appreciated two more hours of sleep. Just two more and she would be able to be supportive and understanding of Dorcas's plight. Lily would even figure out a way for Dorcas to deal with her feelings and handle everything smoothly. But friendship wasn't that easy and effortless, if it was everyone would be friends with everybody. If there was one definitive thing Lily had learned it was that being someone's friend could be incredibly inconvenient and quite exhausting, but if you aren't there for them in the bad times, you won't truly love them in the good times.

So Lily sucked it up, she held back the five-year-old tantrum that she could have produced and looked at Dorcas. Poor, clueless Dorcas. The girl could do anything, she was smart, independent, feisty and driven, but a boy tells her he loves her and she loses her mind. If Dorcas didn't look so upset, Lily might have laughed, but she respectfully held back.

"Okay, just slow down… sit and talk to me." Lily scooted back against her bedpost and motioned for Dorcas to sit.

"I didn't want this…I never wanted this…I mean I did, but…god." Dorcas spluttered, her face growing red. "I just…I love the idea of love and I wanted someone to love, someone that would love me, but …they don't tell you it will feel like this…Like I'm terrified he will just take one look at me and…"

Lily waited for Dorcas to finish her sentence, but she never did. The fear was evident on Dorcas's petite face and in her large chocolate brown eyes. Dorcas could handle her father not caring about her. She could handle her mother dying and not ever being anyone's first choice. It hurt her, Lily could see that, but it was more than that. The reason Dorcas could take anything thrown at her was because she never expected to get good things.

"You expected Remus not to love you." Lily blurted out before she could stop herself.

Dorcas shifted as if to deny it, but then she sunk farther into Lily's bed. "He was supposed to just be a guy. He was supposed to grow tired of me…I'm not even saying that in a self deprecating way…I just couldn't see how a guy that couldn't love Marlene could love me."

"Do you, think she's better than you?"

"Of course," Dorcas scoffed, her sincerity so real it was painful. "Both of you are better than me."

Lily rolled her eyes and gave her a look of utter disbelief. "Now you are just ridiculous. We aren't better than you."

"Okay fine, prove you aren't." Dorcas retorted.

"You are brave _as hell_. I know you are afraid of things, but you just…buck up and take them on like you've never even heard of fear. You belong in Gryffindor whereas half the time I wonder why I wasn't put into Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff...I wish I could be as strong as you are. I'm always terrified that I'm doing the wrong thing…or that I've turned out to be the wrong person…" Lily admitted, but she quickly snapped back to the point. "And I'm not going to say Marlene is better or worse than you. She's just different. You always think the worst of everybody and she always thinks the best of everybody and you both are being proven wrong right now."

"I know…I just…" Dorcas let out a low breath and pursing her lips. "I just assumed it wouldn't work and it's going …well and its kind of …freaking me out."

"How do you feel about him? Because you don't have to love him just because he loves you." Lily pointed out. "And I'm sure Remus doesn't expect you to just jump into his arms and profess you do, if that is how you feel."

"How do you know if you love someone?" Dorcas wanted to know, "Like I know my mother loved me, but …how am I supposed to know if what I feel for Remus isn't just love? How do I know if I'm in love with him?"

She wanted to have an answer. She really did. It was one of those questions all girls wish they had the handy reply to so they could seem all knowing and wise, but Lily was neither. At seventeen years old, she had never been in love with anybody. Fancied quite a few men, but never loved anyone.

"I'm not the person to ask," Lily told her openly, "I've had sex, snogged, and dated a few guys, but…I've never been in love."

Dorcas looked at her strangely. "Wait…you've had sex?"

Lily blushed. "But we're not gonna talk about it."

"…Okay." She said slowly.

"I only know two people who've been in love. So I'm really not the person to talk to."

"Who?"

"Marlene."

"…Yes…and who's the other person?"

Lily didn't want to say it out loud, because then it would be confessing that things were more complicated and messy than she liked to think it was. It was nice and simple to think of him as just a friend who she happened to be attracted to. That way it was easy to just lump him off into a category that was untouchable and distant. If she owned the fact that James did love her and she was aware of it to Dorcas, it called her intentions and feelings to question and she didn't want that. She thought if she just avoided it and ignored it she would be fine and they would go away. It however became clear to Lily, that if the night before had been indication of anything that wasn't going to happen.

"…James…"

Dorcas didn't smile or react. Marlene would have taken this and ran with it, but Dorcas didn't. She merely shrugged and said, "I'd feel bad talking to Marlene about this…She's going through enough right now without me blabbing about my problems."

"Well then why not James? He might have a better insight into Remus than I do and he'd be able to give you a better perspective."

"…You really are friends with him aren't you?"

Lily laughed awkwardly scratching the back of her neck. "…I suppose so…He really didn't give me a choice."

"You always have a choice."

"_Yeah_, people always say that but clearly they've never met James Potter." Lily muttered with an annoyed look on her face.

Dorcas scratched her forehead and suddenly said, "Want to have breakfast? I'm starving, I barely touched what Mrs. Lupin made me."

"My dad isn't here…"

"I can cook," Dorcas said, rising off the bed.

"Since… _when_?"

"Since ever…come on, useless. I'll show you how to make pancakes."

Lily was tired, but now fully awake groaned and sighed dramatically. "FINE! I'll meet you downstairs."

"Fine!"

* * *

James woke up in quite a wondrous mood. It wasn't shocking. It was summer, he was young and he had more to hold onto than his imagination when it came to Lily Evans. For most men it wouldn't have been a lot to just kiss a girl, but for James it was everything. It wasn't enough that he just got to touch her and hold her, but he finally had an idea of how she felt about him. No more guesses, no more speculation, Lily Evans really did care for him and it was because she cared that she had been staying away from any sort of romantic relationship with him.

That did pose a problem, since that was in direct interference of what he wanted. But for a day or so he just wanted to focus on the positive, the fact that she no longer hated him, in fact she wanted him. Soon he would have to figure out a way to show her that them being together wouldn't make his life worse. Her concern was valid and he wouldn't be condescending and act like it wasn't. The thing was, if she grew to feel as he did, she would have to fight for what they had. There was a war coming on, she was right about that, but she was wrong that it was a reason to stay apart. If anything it was a reason to be together….

"Well, are you going to lay in bed all day?" His father questioned, with a smirk not unlike his sons. "Your mother left me with the impression that you were coming with me to work today."

James nodded, "Yeah, just give me a minute."

He had forgotten his promise to his mother. Honestly he couldn't think of a concrete reason she wanted him to go with his father. He'd to work with his father a million and a half times. The last time was a year or two earlier and he didn't do much while he was there. It was fun to see his father dialogite and talk to high-ranking officials. It was interesting to his father is such a position. His dad always had an air of authority about him, but to see him at his job, as Head of the Auror office was something else.

Lately though his dad had been working late with loads of extra paperwork and more caseloads then the Auror's could handle. If anything James worried he might get in his father's way, but since his father seemed to not mind, he held his tongue. After all it was always interesting to see what was happening at the Ministry. James quickly dressed and met his father in the kitchen. His mother had left a muffin out for each of them.

"Isn't Sirius coming?" James asked confused.

Mr. Potter shook her head. "Your mother dragged him with her."

"…Why? What's this spur of the moment go to work with our parents dad about?"

His father's face darkened. James eyes flickered to his father's face. He saw how grey his hair had become, and how many more wrinkles had collected on his face. Since he didn't see his father as much as he usually did, James hadn't taken a good look at his father, but now that he did he was thinking there was something he was missing.

"Come on, James." His father said strictly not leaving him much room for argument.

"Fine," James sighed, "Be vague."

* * *

Sirius hid his yawn behind his hand. When Mrs. Potter woke him up early, and sent him to shower he tried to fight her, but found that not listening to her was more effort than doing as he was told. He was thinking of making James play Quidditch with him. It would have been a bit awkward, but Sirius was hoping if he could just explain himself then James wouldn't beat the crap out of him for shagging Marlene. At the end of the day James had forgive him, he figured once he heard that it was Marlene who left him and that Sirius had left her alone since that James would let it go. He might throw a punch or two first, but after that they'd square it away. They always did.

"So, what exactly am I doing here?"

Mrs. Potter turned to face him; her large hazel eyes were worn and exhausted. "I want you to see something."

"…Okay." Sirius said in confusion.

She took him down a hall to a patient's room. "In these rooms we normally put only two patients, but we are over flooded recently."

Sirius was startled when he turned into the room and saw six patients in the room, All beaten severally and looked like they were barely hanging on. "What happened to them?"

"You heard about the attack last week?"

He shook his head. "I don't read the paper…"

"An entire muggle neighborhood was slaughtered," She whispered, "These were the only survivors. The two at the end were Muggleborns. They fought back and took down a few Death Eaters."

Sirius face fell. His grey eyes glanced over at the unconscious people; two men, four women. At first he thought he would be able spot which ones were the muggles and which ones were muggleborn's even if she hadn't told him, but he couldn't. He knew this, because they all looked the same. If he had any bit of his parents ideology drilled into him, this moment right here would have drilled it out of him. He could have been told that half were wizards and full-blooded muggles and it wouldn't have made any difference. People were people and it shouldn't and didn't matter what race they were. Sirius had always believed everyone should have been treated equally, but that was cemented, when he looked at their faces.

Of the six people in room, only one was a fully-grown adult. Four were teenagers, maybe a bit younger than he and one…one looked to be about ten. What hurt him the most was that it was a little girl, a blonde little girl. Sirius couldn't imagine how she could have possibly survived.

"Today, Harold and I decided to take you both to work with us, because we both realized that you both are of age. Soon you will be out there. _We hate it_. If we could, we'd shelter you forever, but we can't and we know you'll be the first ones out there fighting. And nothing I say will stop you..." Her voice grew strained. "Right now all you are thinking about is snogging girls, and hanging out with the boys and I want you both to enjoy this summer and act your age."

Sirius waited for her to continue, as he knew she would.

"But I also want you to know what's going on out here, because pretty soon you will be living out here… This isn't my generations fight, it's yours."

He didn't say anything.

"This whole wing is filled with people like this, and for the rest of the day I want you to help me, help them with whatever they need. They are all orphans now and need more help."

"Okay," Sirius nodded, his eyes glassy with tears as he looked one last time at the girl with long sunny blond hair. "I'll help."

* * *

At the Ministry, James had just finished up the day with his father and it wasn't what he'd been expecting. His father, who had always been respected and applauded his work and morals, had a stack of complaints. Aurors who were muggleborn or half blooded were being targeted and often were requested off of cases. It wasn't the same atmosphere that he remembered it being. The Ministry was always so majestic and larger than life. When he was really little, his father would carry him on his hip and James would look at all the ginormous statuses and magical people. It was before he had glasses and before he stopped sucking his thumb. Back when everyone was talking to everybody and the biggest scandals were politicians and legal issues.

While his father left for a minute to finish some work up, James couldn't help, but feel sorry for him. He was far too old to be working, but he insisted upon it anyway. Along his desk were countless pictures of himself and his mother. In the back he even found a few with him, Sirius and Marlene. He'd be embarrassed if he didn't find them so adorable. James marveled at the fact that even at age five he knew how to work a camera.

A loud knock sounded and on the open door. "Potter….Oh, it's the junior Potter," Moody sneered, walking in smoothly.

James's face lit up, he loved Moody. "Hey!"

"Waiting on the old man?" He questioned, shaking James outstretched hand gruffly.

"Yep, we're going to dinner."

"Great man your father. Making plenty of enemies lately," He paused, dropping down into the chair across from James, "I like that in a man. If you don't have enemies you're not doing something right."

James let out a low laugh. "Well then I suppose you aren't doing a bad job yourself Moody. I hear your record is nearly spotless."

"Well, they haven't killed me yet."

"Alastor," Mr. Potter smiled broadly, waking back into his office. "What can I do for you?"

"Actually," He said eyeing James, "It can wait till tomorrow. Dumbledore just had a bit of information for us."

James interjected, "_Dumbledore?_"

"James," His father scolded him before turning to Moody. "I'll make time to talk with you about that tomorrow."

"Aye, talk with you then," Moody winked at James, "Constant Vigilance Potter."

James grinned at him. "Yes Sir."

"Sorry you had to wait. _Damn pricks_…" He father muttered uncharacteristically harsh.

James frowned as his father grabbed his cloak. "Everything alright dad?"

"No." He closed his office door, grabbed his guest chair and sat down in front of James. "You've been with me all day what have you noticed?"

"What do you mean?"

"Remember when you were little I taught you that game where you would count the exits and look for the safest looking adult?"

"...Yeah so if I lost you or I was taken by somebody I'd know what to do."

"I've taught you to be observant and see what's going on around you even if it's subtle." His father spoke quickly, his glasses slipping down his nose. "I want you to tell me what you noticed today."

James took a second and considered what his father was saying. It was an odd question, but he was willing to answer it regardless. "People seem panicked. No one's saying it, but it's written all over their faces. Nobody talks to each other and I noticed that the Auror staff has gone down and the people who are gone are all muggleborn."

"_Good_. Now I asked you that because I'm not going to live forever, no one will, and I want you to always do what I taught you. Never accept what you are told and never ignore what you see. Always keep your eyes open."

"I think you've spent too much time with Moody dad..." James backtracked when he saw the look on his father's face, "Dad, are you sick or something? Why are you acting so weird?"

"I'm not sick." He said flatly, "But I was just in a meeting where they discussed taking me out as Head of the department. They stated it was my age, but all of the people who were speaking were men. The few women left were ignored when they spoke about my record and lack of problems due to my age."

Mr. Potter cleared his throat, leaning forward with his hands pressed together, "What I'm saying is they are going to try and muscle me out because I fired someone last month for calling muggleborn employees mudbloods."

"But…how can they do that dad? If you are good at your job, healthy enough and standing up for what's right-"

"That doesn't matter to them anymore. The ministry is shifting and everyone is just trying to get on the winning side of the war. The more Voldemort kills, the more power he gains by inciting fear. People are even getting to be so terrified they won't say his name."

"Isn't there anything you can do?" James asked in exasperation.

"No son, there isn't. I'm an elected official. By the end of the year I'm positive I will not be working for the Ministry."

Gaping, James said, "I just…i_t's not fair_."

"No. It's not, but James there will always be people telling you what to do and how to think, _but at the end of the day you have to what you know is right and do it_, because people are daft, idiots…" He paused, the intensity growing in his voice as he spoke. "Everyone thinks they are helpless sheep but they are capable of being so much more they just _refuse_ to _see_ it. They let the wolves bully them into doing the wrong thing…"

"Don't worry dad," James said earnestly. "I'm not a sheep."

"I know, you're a guard dog."

"Well, that's more Sirius, but for this metaphor I will go with it."

His dad snorted at him, reached forward and ruffled his hair. "You know I'm proud of you, don't you?"

"Yes dad."

"Come on then, let's get some dinner at that horrible little place by The Leaky Cauldron."

James opened the door for his dad, with a smirk, "You mean the one where the food is dripping with grease?"

"Yep."

"I'm guessing this is one of those, 'why don't we just not tell mum about this,' dad trips huh?"

"Y-ep."

James walked with his father's arm on his shoulder and they talked idly about the Quidditch playoffs. His father never mentioned what he said before again, but it weighed on James's mind heavily as they ate. It shouldn't have surprised him that they would try to get his blood traitor father out of office. In fact it should have been surprising that he lasted this long at all, but he couldn't help the bad feeling that was building in the back of his stomach. If his father wasn't in the Auror office looking after muggleborns and muggles, who would be?


	47. Amen Omen

_I don't know where you came from_  
_And I don't know where you've gone._  
_Old friends become old strangers_  
_Between the darkness and the dawn_  
**-Ben Harper-**

* * *

"LILY! COME HERE! I want to talk to you for a bit." Her father called, his voice echoing through the house.

Lily groaned, she had JUST gotten comfortable on her spot on the floor, but regardless she set her newest book aside and went to see what her father wished to speak with her about. Flicking her long hair over her shoulder, she trailed down the stairs and turned to find her father sitting at the kitchen table. He looked rather tired. His brown hair had become grey in the past year, but he was still handsome as ever in his tweed jacket and dress clothes.

"Sit," He instructed gesturing to the seat across from him.

Her eyebrows rose suspiciously as she stiffly dropped into the chair. "…What is it? Why do you look so…serious?"

"As you know your sister is getting married next month."

"Not because she told me," Lily scoffed bitterly, crossing her arms. "But yes I know."

"Well since you are graduating next year and most likely moving in with Dorcas or Marlene, I'm planning on selling the house."

Lily sank into her seat, her face dropping. "What?"

"Lillian," He began soothingly, "I know how attached to this house you are, and I wouldn't dream of moving until after you are out of school, but there is a teaching position available off the coast of Wales for next school year in my department. And with the two of you gone, I'm beginning to think I should try my hand at living more of my life."

The selfish part of her wanted him to take it back. She wanted him to stay here forever as a permanent fixture of her childhood and everything that made her feel safe and whole, but even Lily couldn't think to be that selfish. She was still a teenager, still young and waiting to make countless mistakes, but she wasn't a child anymore. Her father couldn't live here just for her, he needed to start his new life and with the war brewing it wouldn't hurt for him to move away from it all.

Still, she'd miss this house. This was the house she had lived in since she was born, where Petunia was her sister and her family was together for the last time. But she understood where he was coming from and couldn't fault him for wanting to put this all behind him.

"I understand dad," She reached forward and squeezed his hand, "You do whatever makes you happy."

He grinned, and cupped her face with his free hand. "I knew you'd say something like that."

"Well Petunia already snatched the spoiled child card so one of us had to take the tolerant kid card."

Her father wanted to correct her, but he didn't, instead he laughed at her. "So now that that's settled. What are you up to for the rest of the day? Gallivanting around the town with your friends?"

"Probably. I'm excited for our outing this weekend though," She beamed at him.

"Yes, we shall have us a time, going to visit Hampshire." Standing up, he kissed her on the forehead. "I'm off to class. Make sure you check in with me and finish the laundry before you go off on your adventures you hear?"

Lily snorted, "Yes dad."

She watched her father grab his briefcase with his initials on the front with a bemused smile on her face. Then she turned and looked around her kitchen, studying every detail, reflecting on all of her memories before leaving the room. There was still time for her to say goodbye to the house and make some more memories on the way out.

Moving across her living room, she glanced at the pictures on the mantelpiece and sighed when her eyes landed on the picture of her and her mum before she died. Sticking her hands in her pockets, her bare feet moved across the carpeted living room floor, stopping in front of the fireplace. Her fingers traced over the frame, and she let out a little sigh. If her mother were still alive her father would have never thought to sell the house. If her mother were alive she would be celebrating her 25th wedding anniversary with her father. Lily often wondered what her mother would think of the person she had become and whether she would be proud of her or not.

Her mother had been fussy and was always inclined to believe that Lily was wrong about just about everything. Lily never knew why her mother was so determined to see the worst in her. On one hand it had taught her to compete and fight to be the best, but at the end of the day she always felt like it wasn't good enough.

If her mother had lived, if she had seen who she was now…would she be good enough?

* * *

"So, you know I'm all for keeping other people's secrets right?" Dorcas began vaguely, tucking her hands into her shorts pockets as her shoes crunched on the fallen branches along the path.

Marlene snorted, running a hand through her long sunny hair. "You are referred to in many circles as, '_the vault._"

"Well I'm going to have to ruin that because Lily let something slip the other day that I wasn't aware of and I need to know if it's just me."

"What was it?" Marlene asked tensing slightly and looking up at the trees in the distance

"Well…and if you told her I tell her I told you this I'll kill you, but she said she's not a virgin."

Visibly relaxing Marlene shrugged, "Yeah fifth year."

"_You knew?!_"

"She was being all jumpy and she just blurted it out."

The disappointment was subtle on Dorcas's face, but she tried to hide any trace of it. "Did she talk about it? I always assumed she was a virgin."

"She was young and somehow she had convinced herself that she needed to lose her virginity. At the time she made it sound like it wasn't something she wanted to have and she fancied her boyfriend enough…" Marlene explained.

"Still, I'm a bit surprised. It was almost as shocking as when you did."

Marlene grimaced, "_Yeah_…"

An awkward silence hung between them for a few minutes as they both thought about who the lucky lad who took Marlene's virginity was, before Marlene couldn't take it anymore.

"Okay, why don't we just clear the air? Because you can't just date Remus and be terrified to talk about it all the time."

"I'm not-" Dorcas lied quickly, her face flushing.

"Yes you are," Marlene growled, narrowing her blue eyes at the shorter girl. "I dated Remus, I slept with Remus, I was in love with Remus and yes that makes every conversation with him or about him the tiniest bit awkward, but you are my best friend Dora and you have to be able to talk to me about this."

Dorcas pressed her lips together momentarily. "I-"

"Don't lie."

Letting out a low breath, she stopped and frowned. "…I like him, but…_I just_. I don't want a guy to ever come between us. I'd rather lose him than you."

Marlene clapped her hands on Dorcas's shoulders. "But here's the great thing about it. You don't have to choose anything. I want you to be happy and honestly you make him happier than I've ever seen him. So when I say be happy I mean it…Now stop using that as an excuse and just let yourself love him, like I know you are doing everything in your power not to."

Looking down, Dorcas bit her lip and nodded solemnly. She opened her mouth a few times to say something but she wasn't able to get whatever it was out. Marlene pulled her into a hug just as the tears started to brim in Dorcas's eyes.

"You aren't a horrible person." Marlene told her firmly as hugged her into her chest.

"I…I didn't say that."

"You didn't have to. _I know you're thinking it._"

Dorcas hugged Marlene back tightly for a moment, before releasing her, wiping her eyes and continuing on. "So…Um have you talked to Sirius?"

"No."

"You can't avoid him forever."

"No, but I can sure as hell try…I'm taking care of my grieving father, handling all of our bills." Marlene's demeanor was professional and collected, but it slid off her quickly. "…You know I went out with Lily to the club and I tried to convince myself that I was okay. I mean I managed to lie myself all this time and tell myself I don't care, but I went a step farther and thought I could make myself just have fun. She had a blast, some Jamaican guy hit on her and had her snorting she was laughing so hard and I was dancing with this guy…"

Marlene's wide blue eyes focused on the leaves as she said. "He was kissing me; my throat, my chest…never my lips, but then he saw my scar." She laughed coldly to herself, hanging her head for a moment. "And he ran like hell."

"Dirtbag." Dorcas snapped hatefully.

_"No_, that's what guys will think of it when they see it and I should have expected that, but…Sirius never did that to me. He…he didn't kiss me like I was just something to be kissed and it hurts, it hurts so much Dora that I can hardly breathe."

Dorcas linked arms with her and squeezed her arm reassuringly.

"And I know I have to make nice with him. He won't do it. He's _such_ a huge fucking coward. Always forcing me to be the better person, even when it should be him."

"Male's response to a break up is to retaliate or retreat and women's first response is to fix the situation."

Marlene gave her a skeptical look.

Dorcas shrugged, "Read it in a case study…the point is men are stupid and we aren't that much better, but it is what it is."

"You're right…I know you're right." She sighed.

"Of course I'm right, I'm Dorcas."

Marlene laughed and nudged her. "You're such a little loser."

"Little? _LITTLE?_" Dorcas swiftly swung around in an attempt to tackle Marlene.

Marlene shrieked as they dropped to the ground, tickling and smacking each other.

* * *

James just happened to take a stroll through the woods around his house and had the good luck to stumbled upon the girls when they were rolling around on the ground grabbing leaves and mud and rubbing them in each others face's and hair.

"See if it were two other girls…This would be so hot…" James sighed forlornly, despite the smirk on his face.

They looked up at James and broke down in a fit of giggling.

"What is wrong with you two?" He demanded.

"She…She called me little…and I jumped her." Dorcas informed him in between laughs.

James moved closer. "Well you are little."

Marlene and Dorcas shared a coconspirator grins.

"…Why are you two looking at each other like that?" He asked nervously adjusting his glasses. "…No…_I don't like that look._"

In a second they both leapt to their feet and together knocked him clear off his feet. Marlene pinned his bottom half, while Dorcas laid on his chest and smeared mud and leaves, "AHAHAHAHA!"

"NOOOOO MUTINITY! MUTINITY! MYYYYY EYYYYEE! MY LEFT EYE!" James struggled violently, beneath them.

He could have easily flipped Dorcas, and managed to knock Marlene off of him, but he couldn't no matter how hard he struggled get them off of him until he was fully covered in dirt and grime. Dorcas let go of him and he retaliated instantly. It didn't matter that they were already dirty, it didn't matter that there were two of them against him. James twisted around and locked his legs around Marlene so she couldn't budge and then used his arms to pin down Dorcas.

"Now," He breathed heavily, glowering at the two of them, a part of a leaf still attached to the side of his face. "I haven't decided how I'm going to exact my revenge, but I will do it, and you two will curse the day you decided to go against me."

"There's a problem with your plan there, chief." Dorcas told him cockily.

"Oh?"

"I have back up," She smirked gesturing behind him to nothing.

He turned though and his grip on them loosened just enough for the pair of them, to wiggle out of his grasp and began to bolt. "OY! TRAITORRRRRRS!"

"ESCAPE! ESCAPE!" Dorcas called to Marlene, "SAVE YOURSELF! GET BACK UP!"

Marlene laughed, tripping a bit before running back to the house to get reinforcements. She hadn't thought it through. In the back of her mind she assumed Remus or Peter would be at the house. They usually were and she hadn't thought much farther than that. All she could think about was moving fast, a laugh still on her face, as leaves that were stuck in her hair fell out in her dash.

* * *

Walking in through the back door, Marlene searched for someone. James's parents were gone for the week. Something about a conference or something. Marlene wasn't thinking about it. She stopped in the living room and was about to go back out, when she saw the one person she was avoiding.

It shouldn't have been so shocking, but she was in a state where she was seventeen and adrenaline and good intentions were all that were present. She didn't think about the fact that she stood there covered head to toe in mud, or that he wasn't wearing a shirt and looked carelessly handsome. It was just surprising after all this time to see him after making him such a villain in her head. He wasn't looking at her and she was about to just invite him back with them and for a moment forget everything and go back to how they were when they were little.

But then she saw him smirking at a girl who wasn't her.

And her heart broke; once, twice, a million times, watching from a far as he kissed the brunette and let her out the front door.

Marlene was going to walk away and be the bigger person. She was. She was….But the longer she looked at him, with that repugnant smirk the more her honorable intentions and her morals went out the window. Whether he intended to or not he had ripped her heart right out of her chest. He never apologized and never said anything about it either. Sirius just walked around like it meant nothing. Like they had talked about it and agreed not to care about each other or something, when really they purposefully avoided that topic and when it came down to it that was what killed them.

A fire, a rage even, filled within her. It was stronger than how anything she'd ever felt before. She wanted to hit him until he apologized, until he cared as much as she did, until he stopped being such a selfish, insecure, wanker, but he was never going to be. He was never going to love her. He was never going to stay up nights wondering why or what she was doing. Sirius Black was never going to trouble himself to care and she'd been just another idiot and fool to ever even entertain the idea that he could.

Sirius spun around and was about to head up the stairs to take a shower, when he saw Marlene. All good spirits he had just stolen were gone at the sight of Marlene. At first he was surprised to see her, standing there, covered in mud, but then he saw the look on her face and everything inside of him fell apart.

When dealing with his father he had learned a few things to keep himself from crying or screaming, but he never had to use it for anyone else.

His jaw twitched and his eyes became tight and Sirius bit his tongue to stop himself from instantly reacting. Though he was shaking he didn't show it, he clenched his hands into fists and relaxed his face until it looked natural. Sirius forced himself to not hang his head, to not look away from her as he wished to, but to look her dead in the eye.

"Well I'm glad to see you are _enjoying _your summer," She said acidly, her eyes burning into him, before moving to leave.

"Mar," He called, as if he couldn't control his own voice.

She whipped around violently "What?...WHAT?! WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE TO SAY TO ME?"

His eyebrows lifted and he flattened against the wall behind him. "Uh-"

"YOU FUCKING COWARD!" She roared, all fire and fury. "DO YOU EVEN CARE? OR ARE YOU JUST AS HEARTLESS AS THE REST OF THEM?"

Sirius scowled deeply when he realized she wasn't referring to men, but to his biological family. That wasn't just a cut, but a deep and never ending slit, right to the core of who he was. This time the tears appeared in his eyes and he didn't even try to fight them, he was too far-gone.

"Is that what you think?" He demanded, moving forward. "You think, I'm Death-Eater caliber?"

"I think you are an asshole, who would rather run like a coward than face any sort of sincere emotion." She retorted hotly.

Sirius growled, "I'm a coward just because I don't love you?"

A mangled gasp escaped her lips, and in a flash her hand raised and she cracked a loud and rather hard slap across his face.

Stumbling backward, Sirius clutched the red muddy palm mark that was indented on his face.

Tears were flooding down her cheeks. "Don't worry Sirius. I'll be civil and I'll never talk to you about anything again, but you are _deluded_ if you think that you never felt anything for me. And you will spend the rest of your life wishing you hadn't." And with that Marlene, turned and walked right out the doorway past Dorcas and James, who were standing uncomfortably in the doorway.


	48. Ghosts That We Knew

_So lead me back_  
_Turn south from that place_  
_And close my eyes to my recent disgrace_

**-Mumford and Sons-**

* * *

Sirius knocked on Dorcas's door, before strolling right in. "Meadowes, what's this music you keep blasting 'round the house?"

"You know what really bothers me? Conformity. It really bothers me when everyone else likes something and it's this kind of social pressure to like it too. Like in order to be normal you need to belong to something. Like you can't just like something because you genuinely feel something. So I defiantly hated them…and then I listened to them…" Dorcas grimaced, "Rat bastards."

"…So, refresh my memory," He mocked her. "Who is this?"

"The Beatles."

"Ah…I like them."

Dorcas's eyebrows puckered together, along with a tight scowl. "_That's nice._ Now why are you really in my room?"

Sirius shrugged timidly. His face nonchalant, but his chest tight.

"How's your face feeling?" Dorcas asked with a justified smirk.

Scowling, Sirius turned on his heel and left the room as quickly as he entered it. For a second he considered returning to his room, but he thought better of it. He decided to grab something to eat down in the kitchen. Anything was better than sitting by himself alone.

He was reaching for an apple on the bowl above the sink when he heard someone walk up.

"So you shagged Marlene," James began boldly, leaning against the counter and taking a rather large bite out of his own apple.

Sirius froze, his fingers brushing the bowl, before he withdrew his hand and pulled back. "Uh…yeah…"

"Were you ever planning to tell me?"

"...No."

"You broke your word."

"I'm really hoping we can hug this out. Come on," Sirius raised his arms, ignoring the look on his friends face, "lets just bring it in and never talk about it again."

"Sirius."

"What?! Come ON! I'm sorry I …repeatedly-slept-with your-sister… I REALLY don't think it's that big of a deal. It's over. It didn't mean anything…So why don't we just drop it?"

"Did you _honestly_ just say Marlene meant nothing to you?"

Sirius backed up, resting his arms on the counters and putting all of his weight there, but he said nothing.

"So you don't care about her ..._at all_…" James pressed him.

"No, no of course I do. I'm just saying it wasn't a big deal-"

James interrupted again, this time he was sharper. "So you are saying Marlene isn't a big deal. That, she's just another girl to you?"

Sirius let out a frustrated sigh. "No...That _isn't_ what I'm saying-"

"Then what _are you_ saying?"

Gaping, Sirius shook his head, running a hand through his hair anxiously. "…It just…It's complicated alright?! I didn't…I didn't mean for it to happen. I tried to stay away from her once I realized…how I felt, but then Lily and Remus forced us to talk…and…"

"So you…_Wait_…" Recognition rose inside of James as he looked at his best friend. "You…She's right isn't she? You love her?"

"Doesn't matter now does it?" Sirius asked bitterly, grinding his teeth.

"Why didn't you just tell her? Why-"

"No, just no…" Sirius snapped, "Because she said she was done and I believed her."

James furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "Wait, you, Sirius Black, heard the word, 'no,' and let it stop you? Why the hell didn't you say something? Or fight?"

"Because she deserves better than me," Sirius voiced, looking incredibly annoyed that he even had to say it. "Now she doesn't have to waste all of her time trying to fix me and thinking I'm worth saving when we both know I can't be fixed or saved."

A hollow silence filled the kitchen. James looked at his best friend and for the first time in a long time he had no idea what to say. He should have said that Sirius was wrong, that he was the best man out there, but since the topic was Marlene and not just any girl he didn't. Because it was true, Sirius would date her, cheat on her and then break her heart. In the end they both would be destroyed. Sirius was a very good person, but he was still just a kid, a kid who would have no idea how to treat a woman farther than a quickie in supply closet. He was raised to know the procedures, and James was convinced Sirius could easily go through the motions, but getting close to someone, that wasn't something, Sirius could do. Already, he had let himself get far too close to Marlene. It was clear in his eyes that he didn't see how much he depended on her until it was too late.

When it was at that point, she confronted him and he did what he knew best, he ran. Ran from any attachment. Ran from any possibility that she could feel too much for her. He had always had a choice, and he chose to cut off the part of himself that she had infected with her good intentions and refused to look back.

James wondered however if Sirius might have underestimated his feelings based on how much they seemed to have upset him. He'd been more upset than this. This wasn't the worst thing to happen to him, but in a way it actually was. The last time he allowed something to get to him this much was when he ran away from his parents. James of course was there for him and never left his side, but it wasn't him that spurred him to move on and let it go, it was Marlene. When Sirius betrayed Remus and ostracized himself from the Marauders by setting up Snape, it was Marlene that had taken him in. It may very well have been unintentional, but Sirius managed to grow very real feelings for someone. And it wasn't going to be as easy as he thought it was going to be to forget that.

Sirius may have severed all romantic ties to Marlene, but James doubted he'd ever really be able to shake her.

Still James was his best mate, and though Sirius broke bro code, he couldn't really bring himself to fully punish him. By the look of Sirius, it seemed he'd spent most of the summer doing a good enough job without any help from anyone else.

"Just promise me one thing." James said pointing at him antagonistically. "Promise you'll leave her alone. If you hurt her again, I will beat the crap out of you. Are we clear? I'm not going to get involved this time. I'm staying out of it. _But, I swear if you do it again_…" He let the threat linger long enough to make his point.

Sirius hung his head and nodded.

"Come on mate," James smiled, forgiving him instantly. He swung around the table and draped his arm around his best mate.

"You aren't mad?"

"Not anymore. Monogamy just isn't for you."

Sirius sighed, "What do you want to do?"

"Why don't we go pay Lily a visit?"

"Umm…no one else is over there."

"That's fine then."

James didn't like what Sirius did to Marlene. In fact he hated it, but it was for the best for both of them. And the sooner they both got through it the better.

* * *

"Excuse me? Mr. Evans?" James said when he saw the middle aged man working along the side of his house with a very pair of hedge trimmers.

"Yes…wait James Potter right? The man…what did Dorcas say? To impregnate and marry my daughter?"

James gulped, looking at the weapon in Mr. Evans hand, "Uh-"

"Why don't you make yourself useful and come and help me?"

James looked behind him for Sirius, but found he had already snuck in to see Lily. "Uh sure…what are you doing exactly?"

"I'm taking out all of these flowers out and cleaning up around the grounds."

"That sounds easy enough," James shrugged cluelessly until it hit him. "Wait…oh no…You mean without magic?"

Mr. Evans looked up at him with pity. "Of course. You're sure you're up for it right?"

"Yeah, yeah…How hard could it be?"

* * *

Lily was in the middle of gutting out her attic, her hair was stuffed up into a messy ponytail and the back of her t-shirt was lined with thick sweat. Her father suggested she go through her mothers things and see what she wanted to keep and what she wanted to leave out for Petunia to look through.

"Ow ow!" Sirius catcalled, teasingly.

Lily looked up and gave him a scowl. "Oh sod off."

"Merlin, it is blazing up here." Sirius said, tugging his shirt over his head. "I don't know why you even bothering wearing clothes."

"Thank you for your _so called_ wisdom Sirius, but I've been up here for three hours. What can I do for you?"

"Just stopped by with James to see you," He shrugged, sitting down on the floor.

Lily took the bottom of her shirt and used it to wipe the gross build up on her forehead. "Wait, James is here? Where?"

"Outside, I think your dad inducted him in yard work."

"And you aren't helping... because?"

"_Honey_," He started, leaning back on his hands, flexing his muscles haughtily. "I'm too pretty for manual labor."

Lily laughed at him. "You are such a prissy little thing."

"What? I don't see you out there."

"Who do you think usually helps him outside?" Lily countered.

Sirius pursed his lips. "How can you? You're such a little person."

"I can still kick your big stupid arse."

"That has yet to be seen."

"Oy, why don't you get up and help me sort this. Make yourself useful."

Sirius grimaced and groaned. "I just avoided that!"

"Well tough, I need help and you aren't doing anything."

"…Merlin…I hate helping," He slumped up and sighed, "What do you need help with?"

Lily snorted, "I love how you make it sound like this is SOOO awful."

"I just was never much for chores."

"You know I know your parents were horrible people, but other than that you have it rather easy don't you?"

A flicker of emotion crossed his face.

"I mean you're good looking, you're smart, you're young. I know my life isn't too hard, but really what do you have to worry about? I'm freaking about whether I got the HeadGirl position and whether leaving with my family will get them murdered…" Lily wasn't looking at him when she spoke; she was busy dusting of an old tea set. "I mean I'm sure it's awkward around Mar, and everything, but you guys will be fine and be friends again so enough…Few broken feelings, but from what I hear you are working through it well."

Tears hollowed in his eyes, the sun streamed through the dusty windows and warmed just half of his face. The other half became oddly cold because of the contrast. Lips thinning, Sirius grabbed his fallen shirt and slipped it back on.

"Oh no!" Lily laughed looking out the window, "Dad has James picking weeds!"

Sirius said, "You know I think I'm going to go visit Remus for a bit."

Lily finally looked over at him, her face full of concern. "You okay Sirius? You sound a bit off...Did I say something?"

"No, I'm fine," He said evasively scratching his five o'clock shadow. "I just fancy paying him a visit. I'll stop by to see you later this week alright?"

"Sirius," She grabbed his arm to stop him, her green eyes narrowed up at him. "You sure?"

He grinned down at her, and kissed her hairline. "It's me Lily. I'm always fine."

Lily watched as he apparated away, but felt like she was missing something. She was supposed to see Marlene later on, but hadn't heard anything from her all day. Maybe they had a fight or something. Whatever it was it couldn't have been that bad. If it was, James wouldn't be talking to Sirius let alone be coming with him to see Lily.

Frowning, Lily moved to leave the attic to talk to James. Maybe he would know what was wrong. On her way down the stairs, she saw Petunia heading up.

"Hi," Lily whispered in confusion, halting.

She hadn't seen her sister in weeks. Her father had said she was going to swing by and get the last of her things, but Lily hadn't wanted to think about it. What she wanted was to be able to go on forever pretending her sister and her could bicker and eventually someday would be able to eventually forgive each other.

If Petunia was leaving then it was now or never. They could put everything aside and just separate in peace. Lily barely recognized her from the girl she grew up playing with every day and based on the pompous look on Petunia's face she doubted that she would be willing to just hug out all of their issues.

"What are you doing?" Petunia said accusatorily, her nose high in the air. "Are you up there destroying mums things?"

"Excuse me? I'm up there _sorting through_ mum's things-"

"Don't just go taking what you want. You don't even deserve-"

Lily cut her off fiercely, "No wait just a damn minute. I deserve just as much as you do!"

"You're tainted." Petunia spat icily, "Why would you deserve the same as me?"

"_TAINTED_?" Lily said in outrage. "Because I'm a witch that makes me not human now?"

"Stop acting like this is new. You have your fancy new friends and your new life. What would you want with mum's things anyway?"

"You're the one that's getting married and moving out!"

Petunia snarled, "And why is there a bloke outside with dad? He has one of those things in his pocket…"

"You mean a wand?" Lily scoffed, "His name is James and dad asked him to lend him a hand. What about it?"

"I think you should keep _your kind_ away from here."

The hate faded from Lily's face as hurt crossed her features. "My… _kind_? I'm your sister. I know we've been through a lot, and you hate me…but we are separating soon and I don't want us to spend the rest of our lives fighting. I'm your sister-"

"No." She said firmly, though her chin trembled. "You stopped being my sister the minute you got that letter and chose to be one of them."

"You think I chose this?" Lily stammered, "I didn't choose this. This is just who I am. I knew you didn't like this, but you have to understand this is apart of me, and I can't change it. I can't change it anymore than you can change who you are. Petunia, come on…please."

Petunia gulped, moving past her. "Quit it with your nonsense."

Lily considered just letting her walk away. It was useless. Her sister was set in her ways and was never going to just let go of all the hate and prejudices that circled inside of her. She was never going to just remember that they were once quite close and that this shouldn't matter because they were family. Still Lily couldn't fight the feeling inside of her. The feeling that still loved Petunia, despite everything she had said and done.

"Petunia, come on." Lily grabbed her arm. "Don't leave like this-"

"Don't you touch me. And don't even think of coming to my wedding." Petunia added hastily taking her arm away. "As far as I'm concerned we don't have to ever see each other again."

Tears slipped down Lily's face, "Tuney-"

"No Lily. It's time we stopped pretending. I'll send you Christmas cards, and the occasional holiday gift because that's what dad would want. But I don't want to see you. We are different, you need to accept that and stay away from dad and I."

"Fine, you know what? Fine! You know you can call me a freak and point your judgy little finger at me for the rest of your life. You can tell yourself that I'm not your sister and that I don't matter," Lily cried, though her voice remained steady, "But I know you Petunia. I know that everything you are saying about me, is really all the horrible things you think about yourself."

Lily forced herself to move down the stairs and away from Petunia, her fists clenching so hard the whites of her knuckles stood out.

She wasn't surprised and perhaps that was what hurt the most. In the back of her mind, she knew Petunia and her would never reconcile, but she still hoped she was wrong. The idea of her only sister truly hating her was hard to fully accept, but she supposed there was nothing more she could do about it.

Wiping her face, she let out a loud breath, gathered herself together and made herself forget about it. It was better that way. She glanced out the window and saw James was now shirtless and working with her father. This really shouldn't have amused her but it did, because her father was ordering him around all across their yard and James seemed do to whatever he asked. The great and powerful James Potter was doing her fathers yard work. This had to be one of the first signs of the apocalypse. Laughing at the scene, Lily looked at them talking and felt the pain ease out of her.

* * *

"My Lily did that?" Mr. Evans asked as James shoved the excess dirt into the wheelbarrow.

James chuckled, "Yes, she did."

"I'm really proud of her…Didn't know what to make of her being magical to be honest, but she seems to have really grown into herself at school."

"She's really one of a kind."

Mr. Evans eyed James curiously. "And after all these years you still stick around. Why is that James?"

"I'm in love with your daughter sir," James answered flatly, "I tried not to be, but I can't help it."

"And how serious are you about this?"

James paused noticing the somber expression on his face. "_I'd die for her._"

It would have been easy for Mr. Evans to laugh him off. He was seventeen years old, just a kid really. It was easy for the young to make proclamations like that. What did he know of love? It took Mr. Evans 23 years to fall in love with someone and 2 years to be sure of it. James had barely began to live, but there was such conviction in his voice, and so earnest, so honest. He, it seemed, didn't need years or time. James had managed to be utterly sure of something people twice his age couldn't be complete positive about.

"This war in your world…I've seen it in your papers…How serious is it?"

"Quite serious."

Mr. Evans sighed, "Well then, at any rate I'm glad Lily's found a bloke mad enough to protect her."

"That's one way to describe me."

"Well, that's about it for today." Mr. Evans declared a few minutes later, "Thank you for helping James."

"Anytime Mr. Evans."

"Why don't you go see Lily? I'll clean up here."

James smiled at him and pulled his shirt back on. "Will do sir."

Lily was at the door when James walked through. A small smirk on her face when she saw him. "Hey. Sorry my dad roped you into helping him."

"Not a problem." James waved her off, his hair in complete disarray.

"Want to stay? Mar is coming over. We can watch a movie together."

James beamed, "I'd love that. What are we going to watch?"

"Well probably James Bond, Sound of Music or whatever is on the tele. Marlene said she hadn't seen any of them."

"What's the first one about?"

Lily said, "James Bond is about a hot British secret agent, who schmooze's women and saves the world."

"Listen," James told her, slinking his sweat arm over her shoulder, "My name is James, his name is James. I'm devastatingly attractive, he is devastatingly attractive…We are one in the same Lily."

Lily laughed, her face nearly splitting with a smile. "An idiot is what you are."

"You have to at least admit I'm cute." He cooed, batting his eyelashes at her as they walked into the living room together.

Marlene cancelled plans with Lily, but James stayed and they watched movies together. For one or two her dad sat with them, his eyes occasionally shifting to the two of them, but after awhile he got this look on his face and left the room. Lily's conversation with Petunia completely slipped her mind as she and James fought over the popcorn and laughed harder than she'd laughed in weeks. Eventually he left, but it was much later than he should have.

Lily walked him to the door, and before he could walk away she pulled him into a tight hug. "Thank you for coming over," She mumbled into his chest, "I really needed this."

James blushed and hugged her back instantly, inhaling her strawberry perfume merrily. "Anytime."


	49. Static Waves

_I count the steps from where I am_  
_To where I started_  
_I tap my feet_  
**-Andrew Belle-**

* * *

"Come on Lily!" Marlene called, "I need to pop by a few shops to get a birthday present for my brother! Like …you know, this year."

Lily snorted and yelled, "I'll be down in a tick!"

"Well hurry up! I want to actually get there before my fortieth birthday!"

"I thought you said James's neighbors were coming with us." Lily questioned, slipping her scandals on.

"Casilda and Esmee are meeting us there." Marlene informed her.

Lily furrowed her eyebrows together thoughtfully. "Okay so are they twins?"

"No. They have a brother Everett that is the same age, but they are all seperately adopted actually. Casilda was adopted from Texas, Esmee was adopted from South Korea and Everett I think is from Morocco."

"Interesting. I wonder why get three kids the same age. That sounds like a lot at once."

Marlene shrugged, playing with the end of her braid. "My twin sisters are a year older than me and my parents had three kids before that. You work with what you get."

"What brings them to Hogwarts?"

"Mr. Cooper, their dad, got the new Defense job."

Lily scoffed, tossing her bag over her shoulder. "Well he'll need some good luck with that. I reckon the job is cursed. Every position in the school is always filled, but that one."

"Maybe _the Dark Lord_ had something to do with it." Marlene mocked dryly.

"You shouldn't joke about him. He's been going on a killing spree across half of the U.K."

"I think we should take it seriously, but come on. If we let ourselves become afraid of him then he will use that fear to control us. It's basic bullying mentality."

Lily smirked at her, "You sound like Dorcas."

"Well when you spend seven years with someone some things tend to stick."

"Well then, let's go. What are you going to get your sister?"

Marlene groaned, pouting as she linked her arm around Lily's. "Oh I dunno. Hopefully we can find something; cheap enough to be thoughtful."

* * *

"ALRIGHT LADS…and Commander and Prewett," James added nodding at Dorcas and Alice, "What we have here is an old fashioned BATTLE!" He smirked, pacing in front of Remus, Sirius, Dorcas, Alice Prewett and Everett Cooper. "Now we will pick team captains, split up into three teams and fight for this majestic cup-"

"Am I mad," Everett started with a thick French accent, "Or is he holding up an actual cup?"

"You aren't, _he's mad_." Alice reassured him casually, before turning back to look at James.

"_Anyway_," James glared at them. "It should come to no surprise that I will volunteer myself as a captain-"

"Napoleon complex," Remus muttered to Dorcas, making her snort with laughter.

James scowled and threw up his hands. "No respect. Absolutely no respect."

"Oh go on with your big speech, you big git." Sirius told him.

"No…No it's fine," James said bitterly. "I'm just standing here."

"Christ," Dorcas laughed, stepping forward. "Potter, Black and I are captains-"

"Hold it, why are you a captain?" Sirius questioned gesturing to her.

She gave him a dirty look. "_I'm going to need you to dial your misogyny back a bit there Blac_k…What are you scared I'm going to kick your arse?"

"Definitely fear lingering in your eyes there," Everett interjected to Sirius with bright smirk.

"Shut it Cooper," James nudged him. "Alright so we have to do this evenly. Dorcas pick a boy."

Dorcas pointed to Everett's tall broad form. "I'll take Cooper."

Remus's eyebrows shot up. "Oh?"

Dorcas charged over to him, grabbed him by the collar and pressed her lips against his hotly, putting all of her energy into it. When she pulled away, she gave him a smirk. "Understood?"

He snatched her back for another kiss, but then let her go. "Fine."

"Now, I have Everett. Who are you two picking?"

Sirius looked at Alice, "Are you still engaged to Frank?"

Alice looked repulsed by him and what he could mean by the question. "_Yes_."

"Then I want Moony," Sirius declared boldly, wrapping his arm around Remus's shoulders, "Could use some bloke time."

"Then I would be honored to get the future Mrs. Longbottom-" James began.

Alice blushed, "As much as I appreciate the title, I haven't earned it yet, and I would prefer to go by my own name."

"Yeah Potter." Dorcas agreed ruefully. "It's a new world. Women are separate from their romantic life now and can be referred to as their own person not someone else's object."

James raised his hands innocently and backed away slowly. "Far enough, far enough."

"Dorcas invited me for a picnic and some games…What about these games then?" Alice asked fixing her short pixie cut brown hair.

"Commander, here," James said, "was telling me about how fun muggle games are and how it would be fun to make the whole thing a competition. So we are having a three-legged race, a weelbarrel race-"

"Its wheel-barrow," Dorcas corrected him.

He waved her off, "and we are going to have a great time. So let's get with our teams, come up with team names and team chants."

"So that way when we beat you," Dorcas spun around to face Sirius, her eyes narrowed and her stance antagonistic. "Which we will. Then we have something to chant at you as you bawl your big pretty eyes out."

Sirius took a step forward competitively, "Bring it on midget."

"Yeah, go ahead underestimate me because of my size. I will _BRING-YOU-dooowwwn_."

James nudged Alice to get her attention. "I feel like they are just going to end up arm wrestling."

"Five knuts on Dora." Alice grinned.

"Damnit that was who I was going to bet on."

* * *

Marlene and Dorcas were set to meet Casilda and Esmee by a restaurant Marlene planned for them to have lunch in after shopping, but they arrived early. Lily was game for whatever, but she still had one nagging concern that was in the back of her mind that she wanted to address and since they had the time to spare.

"So Mar." Lily started, "Sirius was acting weird for a bit there, and he did this thing, and you might recognize it, _because you just did it_. Where you flinch when I mention the other persons name."

Marlene let out a very loud and heavy sigh. Laying her head back on the brick building. "Lily…_really_?"

"Well, has anything happened that I've missed?"

"…I may have slapped him the other day."

"No you didn't!" Lily gasped.

Marlene grinned proudly. "Yes. I did and I don't feel bad about it either…" Her smile faltered as she added, "He told me he didn't love me and though I know he does. I think I've finally just have given up on him. Maybe I'm just supposed to be alone you know?"

Lily didn't know what to say, Marlene's voice wasn't shaking and she wasn't crying. She clearly didn't want to be coddled. This was just how she felt. Lily understood how it felt to think you'd be alone for the rest of her life, but considering how James was completely in love with her it but a damper on her case.

"I know." Lily muttered, with a low sigh.

"I mean, I think being single is good for me." Marlene said firmly, "I don't want to date anyone and honestly I'm kind of over feelings for a while, but they just hurts too much.."

"Being alone?"

"No. _Not that_…More like falling for the wrong person _again_…" Marlene furrowed her eyebrows, her face pinched together in thought. "It wasn't like this with Remus…I was mostly just upset that he never tried. I knew at the end of the day we weren't right together and I knew I'd get over it, but …but with Sirius I know we aren't right for each other. I mean he could never commit to a relationship and I couldn't be in an open relationship. It's ridiculous really that we even thought we could try, but I still feel differently about it… More stupidly hopeful you know?" Marlene groaned, "_What's wrong with me_?"

"Maybe because you love Sirius more than you loved Remus." Lily acknowledged gently.

"I don't know why I felt anything for either one of them." Marlene diverted bitterly, "Remus was never going to love me back and I knew that going into it, but I somehow convinced myself that I could save him, that he needed me….Stupid right?" She swiped the side of her face.

Lily twisted her hair between her fingers thoughtfully, "But you never tried to fix or save Sirius though."

"Save? Maybe, but that's only when the situation called for it…I guess I just always knew Sirius could save himself and was never going to change... I really didn't want him to."

"You ever think to tell him that?"

"There's no point." Marlene said flatly, watching the people walk by. "I hesitated in leaving Remus, because I thought he might rethink it, but I knew even if Sirius did feel more for me than he was letting on…he's too scared to admit it…That's the trick with Sirius. You get too close he either never lets you go or he pretends you weren't close at all….I looked _right at him_ Lily and I could see he was in love with me and _still_ he acted as though I meant _nothing_ to him."

Lily grabbed her hand and held it tightly. What could be worse than looking at the person you love, knowing they love you and watch them do everything in their power to fight it? At least if they don't love you, you can let it go and put it off as a loss and eventually heal. But Lily couldn't imagine Marlene's pain. Eventually Sirius and her would grow to tolerate each other, but what they had was shattered, which was really a shame, because for a while there they really had something.

Frowning, Lily thought about that in connection to Sirius's relationships and saw that Marlene had a general point. Sirius was just not the type of person to stick with one person. It was too much of a risk. He'd take a risk in every other area, but not there. It was then it occurred to Lily that Marlene would be forced to be in the same house with Sirius for a week in just over a month. It surely would be difficult on both of them, but Lily didn't see how Marlene could stand it.

"What are you going to do about the cabin then? I mean Sirius will be there."

"I just won't talk to him…I'm not worried about it. By then it will be easier.

Marlene released Lily's hand and Lily couldn't but see some of Marlene's natural warmth fade. "How can you be so sure?"

"Because," She said, "It has to be."

* * *

"OOOH EOOOOOOOOH DOOOOREET! OOOH EEEOOOH DOOORET!" Dorcas and Everett chanted loudly, slapping their knees and chest bumping despite the large height and weight difference.

Sirius scowled and looked at Remus. "We can't let them win again. I swear if Meadowes wins, I will murder myself."

"You mean kill yourself," Remus corrected him dryly.

"No," Sirius said sharply, "I mean, _I will mur-der myself_…Francesko Francesco would have smoked them already if he was here."

"When did you come up with Francesco Francesko?" Remus wanted to know. "You name drop this imaginary character all the damn time."

Sirius smirked impishly. "Charms."

"Figures, while the rest of us were learning tools for the future," Remus interjected giving Sirius a dark look. "You were coming up with a ridiculous alter ego."

"Some of us like to stay entertained."

James and Alice, who were in second, snickered amongst themselves and Dorcas and Everett's display of team spirit.

"I forgot how competitive she gets," Alice blushed in embarrassment.

"If she played Quidditch, she'd be unstoppable." James noted.

"She's terrified of heights," Alice informed him with another laugh, "first year we were on the pitch and her face...It was priceless. We were all bawling with laughter, because she's always been so fearless… Mar, Lily and…" She paused a sadness creeping onto her face. "_And…Mary_."

James put a hand on her shoulder comfortingly. "You must miss her."

"It's like I'm missing a limb."

"She'd be proud of you though…_Not that I knew her well_, because I'm pretty sure she despised all of The Marauder's…but she always seemed really... together. And I think any good friend would be proud of you for carrying on."

Her eyes wet, she sniffled, "Thanks James."

"You are welcome. Now, you know what will liven the jump rope competition up? If we don't even try to compete and just try to ruin Sirius's chances to win."

Alice glanced over at the irritation on Sirius's face and giggled. "Why is he so upset?"

"He hates losing. I mean I'm usually a sore loser, but Sirius literally can't stand it. It sucks his soul dry…So why don't we make things a little harder on him?" James smirked impishly.

"You are a wonderful best friend." She laughed sarcastically.

"A good friend supports you entirely, but also deliberately thwarts you."

"I'll have to remember that one."

He ruffled her hair. "Come on Prewett! Let's do this!" James adjusted his glasses and put his hand palm down in front of her. "Come on, McGonagall's Lover's on three-"

"Whaaat?"

"Dumbledore's knickers-"

"_No_."

He shook with delirious laughter at himself and then sighed, "Fine, Protter on three?"

"One…two…three…PROTTER!"

* * *

After waiting around for a half hour, the two girls in question came into view. Casilda stepped up first, while Esmee glared at the general public. Lily wasn't sure if that was just her face or if she genuinely hated every single person on the planet, but either way she was willing to roll with it for an afternoon.

"Lily this is Casilda-" Marlene began clearly.

"For the love god _no,"_ The tall brunette said, placing and hand on her curvy hip, "Call me Cas. My parents are horrible for naming me _that_."

Esmee rolled her pitch black eyes, "You are _so_ overdramatic."

"_What?_ Your name is somewhat normal."

"Thank you for inviting us out," Esmee interjected, pushing her sister out of the conversation. "Other than hanging out at the Potter's we haven't had much social interaction and we really appreciate it."

"No problem," Marlene told her warmly. "Have you guys thought what houses you want to be in?"

"Definitely Slytherin from what I've heard." Cas declared, "Color's are green and silver, their house symbol is a rattle snake-"

Esmee interrupted, "It's just an ordinary snake Cas."

"-and the traits of the house seem to fit me perf-ect-ly. Cunning? Resourceful? Ambitious? Check, check, check."

Marlene winced.

Cas looked at her questioningly, "_What?_ What was with that face? You made a face," Cas turned her hazel eyes on Lily, "_she made a face_."

Lily giggled, covering her face with her hand. "Yes, she did."

"What's wrong with Slytherin?" Esmee wondered adjusting her multi-colored scarf.

"What's with your scarf?" Marlene changed the subject, "Are you aware that it is hot out and the dead middle of the summer?"

Esmee's round face lit up with pure excitement, "It's new! It's from the muggle show Doctor Who."

Lily looked confused. "I don't think I've caught that one."

In a flat second Esmee went from a sweet looking girl with a band t-shirt and oddly short shorts, to a wide eyed fanatic mess. "YOU ARE BRITISH! HOW HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN DOCTOR WHO?!"

Taking a step back, Lily raised her hands defensively. "_Woah,_ I didn't say I wouldn't be willing to watch."

"_YOU MUST!_ We can have a marathon! It is this show about this time lord and his companions. They go on missions and save the world-"

_"HOLD ON_!" Cas interrupted, flicking her long wavy hair back off her shoulders to her back, "Let's get back on topic here. What's wrong with Slytherin?"

"I mean nothing is wrong with the actual house," Lily said reasonably, "It just has a tendency to get students who are racist. One of my favorite teachers was in Slytherin though, so I'm sure they're not all bad. It's just as a Gryffindor, we have a bit of rivalry with them…So it's hard to be impartial."

Cas gave a strong nod as the four of them moved into a shop. "Who are these people racist against?"

"Muggleborn's, blood traitors and half-bloods." Marlene replied coolly, as she sorted through the various dresses on the rack.

Esmee let out a low note of disapproval.

"I agree," Cas said, scowling. "What about the other houses?"

"The other three are fine. What in particular do you want to know?" Lily questioned her.

Cas shrugged, "Where are the houses? What are they known for?"

"Ravenclaw is pretty studious and probably are the first I would ask for directions. Er …Hufflepuff's are hardworking and usually nice." Lily paused, "And Gryffindors are well... us I suppose."

"So James, Sirius," Cas paused when she saw Marlene tense but she didn't say anything. Instead she continued on, "Dorcas and that scrawny tall boy are all Gryffindors with you?"

"Me, Mar, James, Sirius, Remus, Dorcas and Peter are all Gryffindor. Along with a bunch of people you'll meet eventually." Lily clarified.

"Peter?" Esmee asked, "You mean the chubbier fellow?"

Marlene nodded, "That would be Peter."

"He's in Gryffindor?"

"Believe me, it surprised me too." Marlene admitted, "I love him, but he's never really shown much of a back bone. Though I have seen moments from him when he is really is a Gryffindor."

Lily thought she disagreed with Marlene, but then she thought about and realized that Marlene was right. If Peter looked for it, he could find courage inside himself, but he was too used to being friends with people more capable and willing to do it for him.

"Yeah," Lily murmured dimly, "He is."

* * *

"WE WON!" Dorcas declared victorious, leaping onto Everett's back and thumping her fist into the air. "WE WON! WEEEE WOOOON! _SUCK IT BLACK_!"

Sirius scowled, and twisted around to face James, "I'm going to go drown myself in the shower."

"Go ahead," James clapped a hand on his shoulder supportively, "but know that Dorcas is going to bring this up …_Oh, forever."_

"You are great at comforting people mate," Remus cackled at James.

"Right git you both are," Sirius muttered bitterly. "And what are you smiling about Moony? You lost to that bat crazy little monkey."

Remus smiled wider, "Yes, but look how happy that bat crazy little monkey is."

"_Fuck_, people in love are so gross," Sirius feigned vomiting. "I'll be in the house maturely sulking if anyone needs me."

"That was an oxymoron!" Remus yelled at Sirius's retreating figure.

James shook his head. "So young to be defeated so swiftly."

"Well thanks for having me over James." Alice said awkwardly, biting the side of her lip and stepping in front of them.

"You are always welcome over Prewett." James told her kindly. "Don't let Sirius's attitude say anything to the contrary."

Alice waved him off. "Oh I know he's just a grump, but I'm headed off. I'll see you guys later okay?"

"Bye Alice." Remus hugged her lightly.

James saw Dorcas and Everett creating a very extravagant looking victory dance, and he shook his head with a wild laugh. "Here I'll walk you out Alice. Remus…if you could make sure they aren't having seizures…"

Remus looked over and nearly doubled over with laughter before nodding in agreement.

They'd been walking for a few minutes before James could think of something to ask her. "So what do you have planned for the rest of the day?"

"Just going to spend some time with my family. Maybe go hang out with some Ravenclaws." She said quietly as they hiked through the outrageously tall blades of grass.

"Thanks again James. I had a good time." Alice said with a yawn, tapping him on the shoulder, before stepping over the edge of the Potter property and apparating away.

James glanced around the grounds; the thick, winding woods, the tall bright grass and the endless yard that would all be his one-day. In the distance he saw Everett and Remus chasing Dorcas around the yard and he snorted at the scene. It was a beautiful day; the sun was high with a light wind that occasionally brushed through his wayward hair just the way he liked it. It occurred to him that this would be perfect flying weather and if everyone was game they could always have a play scrimmage. Just as he was about to head back he felt an unnatural tug in the back of his chest.

He halted for a second, nothing was wrong. It was the perfect day really, but something felt …off all of a sudden. James frowned, his eyes focused in concern, though he didn't know the source of it. Shaking his head, James ignored the feeling and jogged back over to the rest of them. Everything was fine, he was just paranoid and looking for trouble.

* * *

The group headed into a restaurant after two hours of shopping. Marlene, after careful inspection, found her sister a bracelet with heart charms and a matching necklace. The four of them were starving and were immensely relieved when they were seated immediately.

"Hey isn't that Peter over there?" Lily wondered aloud.

Marlene beamed, "Why yes it is! I haven't seen him a week! PETE!"

As Marlene ran over to greet him and bring him and Heather over, Cas looked at Lily. "Is that his girlfriend?"

"Yep."

"...Interesting."

Before Lily could respond, she was standing and hugging Heather and rather sheepish Peter. "Nice to see you!"

"I've been a little occupied," Peter admitted sitting down in the chairs Cas had kindly asked the table next to them if they could borrow. "What are you all doing?"

"Shopping," Marlene replied merrily, "Heather, this is Cas and Esmee. They moved in next door to James and they are being dragged to the Cabin next month."

Cas laughed loudly, "You act like it's involuntary. We agreed to go."

"Yes, but that was before you had any idea what you were getting yourself into." Marlene told her.

"Do you see Amelia and Fabian over there?" Peter mentioned softly.

"What are you talking about?" Marlene frowned looking around the restaurant. Her eyes scanned the high tables, booth's and even the tables by the window lined walls and she saw nothing.

Lily let out a noise of amusement as she saw them. "You see the couple snogging each other's faces off by the window Mar?"

Marlene nodded, craning her neck. "Yeah."

"That's them." Heather laughed, her straight blonde hair swaying slightly as she did.

"Well I guess they stayed together after Hogwarts." Marlene mused.

"So what's new with you Heather?" Lily asked politely trying to remember what she knew about Heather.

Lily knew Heather; like horses and often went riding over the summer, was a natural blond, was often teased for her uneven nose, always had color coded conservative clothes, was a muggleborn, had trouble with Slughorn and was completely in love with Peter.

The last one always confused her. Peter was a nice guy and he had helped Lily out when she had needed him to most, but she just couldn't see what he would bring to an actual relationship. Maybe she just couldn't see it because she wasn't interested in him, but maybe it was simpler than that. Maybe it was just how Peter looked at Heather like even though she wasn't thin or a knock out beauty she would always be the most beautiful person to him.

And the beauty in that simple look caught Lily off guard. She'd seen people in love before obviously, especially since it was about the time all the kids their age did so, but it had been a long time since she had seen it shown it such a uncomplicated straight-forward way. It was nice.

Another thing that was nice and equally as surprising to Lily was Cas and Esmee. With most people it took Lily some time to warm to them. It wasn't quite that she didn't like them, but more she just always worried they might not like her once they got to know her. Cas and Esmee didn't seem to be like that. Esmee was passionate and spoke her mind vigorously and Cas didn't seem to hate anybody really. They were both so easy to get along with and fit in with that she forgot that she had only met them a few hours earlier. It felt like they had been there the whole time.

"Oh come on, take the teasing in stride." Marlene told Cas, as Cas wiped the massive amounts of ketchup off her own face, "You are new. We've all known each other for years. You are a novelty. We must fling condiments at you."

"That does sound like a written law," Esmee smirked.

"Yeah yeah yeah. Well-"

Her voice was caught off, but not by another voice or person, but by a bright, blinding like and then a thunderous blast. A blast that cut through the street, smashed through the shops, shattered all the windows on the walls of the restaurant and knocked them all to the ground.

There was a ringing in her ears, and Lily saw glass on the floor around her. Blood was dripping from the fresh cut on her shoulder to the floor, but she couldn't feel it. She was completely numb and could hear the people the restaurant screaming. Women, children, everyone was screaming. Dust was circling in the air like fog and none of them could see anything at first, but then it began to clear.

Lily's emerald eyes lifted and she saw masked, hooded Death Eater's, a row of at least 12 or so marching through the streets, and her heart fell.

_They were coming. They were coming to kill them._


	50. Nowhere Warm

_And I'm sure you're on your way_  
_Yes I'm sure you're on the road _  
_I go nowhere high _  
_Go nowhere warm _  
_Until you're by my side _  
_Your hand in mine_  
**-Kate Havnevik-**

* * *

It took exactly 12 seconds for Lily to snap back to reality. There was a difference between hearing about the horrors of the world, then waking up one day and actually seeing all of it headed towards you, and the difference had never been clearer.

"Is everyone okay?"

"Yeah," the other four called back in unison.

Marlene crawled over to Lily, a dark bruise on her temple. "We have to move fast. _We have to do something_ Lily."

Under the table Lily locked eyes with Cas and saw Peter holding a hysterical Heather. She searched for an adult; someone to take control of the situation by anyone that fit the bill was hiding and cowering under their table. "Okay…Er...Okay we can't take them on by ourselves. Um…Marlene, go to the ministry-"

"I'm _not_ leaving you." Marlene told her firmly.

"_You have to_. I've never been to the Ministry and we need help." Lily looked at Esmee and Cas's feet. Cas was wearing bright pink flip-flops and Esmee was wearing thick durable boots. "Cas, you need to apparate back to the house, get the boys and Dorcas."

"But-" Cas started looking at her sister nervously.

"_If you don't go, everyone will die_." Lily told them fiercely. "Now MOVE!"

Startled Marlene and Cas shared a look before identical pops were heard.

Lily looked up and saw the Death Eaters were splitting off into small groups. Her hands were trembling at her eyes were watering but she had to keep it together. Glancing at the other three left, Lily cleared her throat.

"Okay…Alright…Um…Amelia and Fabian are here…somewhere. Fabian is training to be an Auror. He…he will know what to do."

Esmee nodded, her short black hair askew with bits of broken glass. "Merlin…They are headed over."

"Okay we have to go then," Lily zeroed in on Heather, who was sobbing and shaking violently in fear. "Heather, _look at me_."

The younger girls make-up was smeared and her pristine blond hair was everywhere. She was clinging to Peter's side for dear life. "Lily…I'm …I'm a muggleborn…they're …they're gonna kill me…"

"Hey," Lily spoke to her sharply. "We need to move. If you want to live, we can't stay here. We are behind a table in the middle of the room, we are sitting ducks." Heather couldn't get up and Lily couldn't give her time. "Peter, grab her or we are leaving you. Come on Esmee."

In a flash Lily was running over to the side of the restaurant where she had seen Amelia and Fabian. She didn't even consider the possibility that they could have left in the past ten minutes since she saw them. All of the adults in the room were shuddering under their tables in fear, she needed to be with people that would overcome that and do something.

She dodged the fallen over tables and a few people who were unconscious on the floor. Esmee was quick on her tail and Peter was dragging Heather with him. Lily didn't blame Heather, this literally was a life or death circumstance and to be petrified of that was natural, but as a prefect for two years Lily had learned how to take charge of situations when necessary. And this was necessary.

Thankfully, when she rounded around the bar, Amelia and Fabian were indeed still there and they both jumped up to hug Lily when they saw her.

"EVANS!" Fabian breathed, his hazel eyes flashing relief, "We need to-"

"We sent for ministry back up already," Peter cut him off, his jaw trembling.

Amelia let out a cool breath, "Okay, then we need a plan. First," She grabbed Heather by the shoulders, "_Stop. Crying._ Control yourself. Now is not the time to lose it."

Fabian crouched down, "Okay, here's the plan, Pettigrew, you and your girlfriend stay here with the rest of the people. Do what you can, but keep your head down. Tell them, your girlfriend is Emmeline Vance, she's a pureblood and they won't hurt her. I want you to try and guide people to the bathrooms, as many as you can…I'm sorry I don't know your name," Fabian gestured to Esmee, "But we have to break them up. They won't be expecting people to fight back. In the paper they tell people to surrender and do what they say. You stand guard near the bathrooms and catch them off guard with Amelia here…Lily," His thick eyebrows furrowed and his eyes bore on her, "We are going to face them head on, in the street. We will create the distraction so Pettigrew and get people to safety."

It wasn't a question. No one had a choice. It was either fight, help others, or chose to die.

Lily had always read about characters who were in the thick of battle, people who without a moments notice just put everything on the line for what they believed in, but she never thought she'd ever actually have to be that person. People like James and Sirius were meant for this, not her. Lily was meant to be changing things by coming up with a life changing potion or changing legislation. _Not this_.

"Go!" Fabian told them, waving his hands to Peter and Heather. "We don't have time to stand around," He grabbed Amelia, kissed her hard before grabbing Lily's hand and running to the back of the restaurant with her.

"God…_I'm so stupid_. Wait, didn't more people apparate? We could of side along apparated everyone!" Lily asked, her voice cracking, as they weaved through the empty kitchen.

"They put up an anti-apparation spell 1 minute after they dropped. The kitchen staff and a lot of people in the restaurant apparated immediately, so yes a lot of people left when they had the chance. This place was packed, now only thirty people are in here, but most of them are injured, too young or too old to apparate in that window. Not to mention the muggles. If we left they would have been slaughtered."

"True, but were are we going?"

"I used to work in a restaurant." Fabian muttered, "They all have a backdoor where they dump the trash. I don't think they'll think of it at first."

"Why don't we send people through here?"

"Because if they see everyone running to the back then they will cut it off." He breathed unevenly, biting his lip. "They haven't gotten that far yet."

Lily gulped; her body was violently shaking from the surges of adrenaline, fought to keep it together. Her eyes were burning and her head, her head was spinning. This wasn't anything she ever was prepared for. There had to be something they were missing, there had to be an adult in the restaurant that could have done this for them. This wasn't supposed to happen. How was Lily supposed to go against Death Eaters?! People who literally were dressed up and trained to murder people like her.

"_Fabian_," Lily said shakily as they paused in front of the door. "…Do you know what you're doing…I mean…Tell me, you know what you're doing. Tell me you have a lot of training in this. _Please."_

His big hazel eyes were fixed on her, his wide jaw clenched. "I only started two months ago Lily."

"Fuck…Just…" She clutched her hair in anguish, tears streaming down her face. "We are_ fucked_…we just_…Christ_."

"Lily. I know this is messed up, but we have to do this."

"I know," Lily looked around and saw a bottle of firewiskey. She grabbed the bottle and took a shot. It scorched her esophagus, and shot the tears that had been wheeling in her eyes down her cheeks. "Okay…_OKAY_, let's do this."

She wasn't just scared, she was terrified. Her knees were knocking together and all she had was some lessons of self-defense with McGonagall. It wouldn't be enough. She was only seventeen, and people much older, much wiser and with much more confidence and experience had been murdered by them. To make her feel better she tried to think of what her father or sister would do in this situation. Her father would have used his psychology training to understand the enemy. He would have kept a cool head and figured out a logistical was to solve his problem. Petunia would have ran. She would have saved her own skin, no matter the consequences to everyone else. And maybe her sister was smart in that way.

This wasn't bravery, this was reckless and stupid, but despite everything a flash of a smile began to build on her face. It wasn't a nervous tick or out of fear, but out of genuine amusement because if it James. If this was happening to him, if he were here, this was exactly what James would do. He wouldn't have ran. He wouldn't have saved his own neck. James Potter would never be that cowardly. He would fight, and he would expect her to suck it up and do the same, because it was the right thing to do.

And just that small little seed of a thought, dropped into down her mind and spread, leaving a calm steadiness in it's wake. Soon was she was following Fabian through the winding alleyway and fighting her fear head on.

* * *

Marlene knocked three people clear over, and for once didn't even apologize. Her blond hair was half-braided, half-flying freely, and her head was throbbing from the bruise on her forehead, but she paid it no mind. Running with James for the past few months had kept her in pristine shape. Lily had sent anyone else to the ministry they wouldn't have made it to Mr. Potter for another five minutes on speed alone. Not adding in how she always used to visit him for lunch with James growing up and therefore knew exactly where his office was.

She skidded across the aisle way and charged towards the door. There were people in his office talking to him, but she didn't even pretend to knock. The problem was, it was locked and obviously sound proofed.

"MISS!" A woman shrieked, storming over, "they are in a meeting, you must come back and make a-"

"NO!" Marlene shouted, pushing the woman off of her, taking out her wand and blasting the door open.

"Excuse me-" One of the men started pointing at her threateningly, but her eyes were fixed on Mr. Potter.

Marlene cleared her throat, and said as quickly as possible, "Death Eaters are attacking, they've sealed off a block, they have hostages…."

Mr. Potter stood up immediately and glowered at the man to his immediate left. "_Emergency meeting_?"

"Are you _accusing_ me of knowing about this?" A man Marlene recognized to be Mr. Lestrange, Rudolpus Lestrange's father.

His lips thinned, he pushed Marlene aside and shouted, "CODE BLUE,"

Every Auror in the office immediately leapt to their feet and rushed to meet him. Mr. Potter spoke to them for a second, before grabbing Marlene suddenly by the shoulders. "I want you to explain to them what happened and then I need you to go back to the house."

"But Lily and Peter are there." Marlene argued instantly, her blue eyes wide with fear.

"_And they will want you safe_. Go back to the house Marlene. Stay there." When he saw her wavering her, he gave her a stern glance. "Marlene please."

Letting out a small cry, she nodded, and dutifully turned and to address the six Auror's in front of her.

Mr. Potter ran a hand through his hair anxiously and calmly went back into his office.

"What is the girl going on about Harold?" Emma Lawrence, an aging Ministry board member asked.

"There's been an attack. This meeting will have to be rescheduled." He said clearly. "I have to coordinate this. So if you'll understand, I must ask you all to leave."

The five men, and Mrs. Lawrence stood up and left instantly, discussing the matter quietly loudly. Mr. Lestrange didn't get up so quickly, but once he did, Mr. Potter walked so close to him, he pinned himself against the wall.

"I know you were behind this."

Mr. Lestrange feigned innocence, "You are paranoid Harold and out of order."

"If I find out, that those kids were hurt, because of this…" He growled, the hatred radiating from his tone.

"I could get you fired for threatening my life!"

Mr. Potter's Adams apple bobbed as he gripped his wand tighter. "_Try me."_

"I will have you on probation for this," Mr. Lestrange continued, slipping out of the office with a stricken look on his face.

Sighing, Mr. Potter was relieved to see Marlene and the Auror's were gone, but he knew it wouldn't be enough. He sent out owls to all of the Auror's and moved to go out there himself. It wasn't protocol, but he couldn't just stay here. Mr. Potter had this horrible feeling that if Lily Evans was in the thick of this then so was his son.

* * *

"Okay Lily you go first and I will cover you…_or_," He paused taking a second to give her an unsure look. "I know you're probably Head Girl this year, but do having any combat experience?... I can go first, and you can cover me-"

"I'll be fine," She lied, sweat forming on her forehead.

"Okay." She gave her a pat on the shoulder, "Good luck Evans."

In the distance, she heard muggles screaming. Not the type of screams she could ever get used to, these were screams that cut through the air and sliced anyone who could hear them. These were screams of unspeakable acts being performed.

She prayed that Esmee and Amelia were holding down the restaurant. More than anything though, she hoped that she was doing the right thing, that interfering wasn't going to make it worse for the people who were being tortured. Internally she fought with her self for a brief moment. Then her left hand tightly winded around the strawberry bracelet that resisted there and she propelled herself forward, blasting a herd of Death Eaters back and hiding behind a parked car.

Clinging to the side of the car, her eyes widened when she saw a flash of light heading right for her. She ducked and rolled to the side, scrapping her knees and bruising her shins, but surviving. Sore, Lily thought quickly and pointed her wand at herself, whispering an enchantment and turning her entire body invisible.

First she had to take out as many Death Eater's as she could.

Second she had to try and save the Muggle's, whose cries were still raw in her ears.

Letting out a long breath, Lily put her plan into motion.

* * *

Remus sighed, his arm around Sirius, "Well! We will be back with food."

"Do you have my order?" James asked.

Glaring at him as Sirius made a face at him, Remus said, "Yes Lord Wanker, we have your order."

"Just check-ing."

"I'll be back," Remus kissed Dorcas lightly and Sirius moved towards James as if to do the same.

James laughed and swatted him away. "Get out of here! You twat!"

"What?!" Sirius cried, holding his chest overdramatically, "YOU NEVER KISS ME ANYMORE!"

Dorcas doubled over laughing at them. "You two…are _ridiculous_."

Remus and Sirius left out the front door cackling amongst themelves. James leaned back on his couch and asked, "So what do you think of Everett? Does he work with the group? Is he keeping the group dynamic well?"

Dorcas grabbed an ice cream sandwich and paused thoughtfully, "He'll do."

"Today was fun," James sighed, rubbing his eyes.

"Oh did you get the Quidditch gear off the lawn?" Dorcas reminded him, "You know your mum will lose it if she sees you left it out there again."

He gave her a puppy dog look, "Are you going to help me?"

"Um, do I look like I should be touching equipment?" She gestured to her sticky, ice cream tainted hands.

"Fine! I'll do it!" James proclaimed pushing her with his foot.

He rose to his feet and slowly dragged himself back to the yard. It only took him a few minutes to put everything in the shed. When he was walking out, he saw Cas sprinting towards him, moving far faster than he would have pegged her capable of.

"What…What are you doing?" He laughed, not seeing her expression until she was closer.

"_HELP_! WE NEED," She stopped, dropping her hands to her knees, "DEATH EATERS!...PETER…CAS….LILY-"

James dashed over to her. "What do you mean?!"

"They're trapped-"

"Where?! WHERE?!"

"Four blocks away from the Ministry," She told him.

James felt a blind panic come over him as the possible horrible things that could be happening played out in his mind. He grabbed Cas by the shoulders, his eyes already watering. "Go inside and get Dorcas, leave a note for Sirius and Remus and then go back-"

"What are you going to do?" She interrupted swiftly.

"I'm going to get my friends," He said before releasing her and running as fast as he could for the border of the Potter property.

* * *

Lily cried, blood creeping out of the wound on her stomach, but she used every last will power she had to stand. Putting down three fully-grown Death Eaters was an accomplishment. No it was fucking skill that most people her age wouldn't have been able to accomplish.

Fabian was unconscious, she checked just before she was caught, but he looked like he was dead and the Death Eaters were either too lazy or too stupid to check. Either way, for the time being, if he had no internal injuries than he was safe. They were too busy trying to deal with her.

Lily stood in the rubble of what was once a popular downtown London street, her hair plastered against her face, a mix of blood and dirt lingering in her mouth. In front of her stood four Death Eater's, all pointing their wands at her, until someone came in from a side street and stood in front of them. They bowed to him, muttering something under their breaths, but Lily didn't care to listen. She was going to die and she didn't care enough to be afraid of this new person.

"You said there were only muggleborns and half breeds here," The man spoke to his subordinate, in a cold but high-pitched voice.

One of the inferior men shrinked and replied, "That is true, my lord."

"Then why is she here?"

"Her name is Lily Evans, she is muggleborn." Another Death Eater clarified.

The man turned to face Lily and it was then that she realized in utter horror that he wasn't a man at all. His eyes were scarlet, he had no hair on him, his nose was gone and there were slits like a snake where it most likely had once been. What stood out the most to her though was that he was the only one not wearing a mask or the traditional costume. That meant that he was different and more important than the rest, which meant… that this was the mass murderer. _This…this…was Voldemort._

"A muggleborn?" He questioned as if it was a term he'd never heard. His head tilted skeptically, "She doesn't fight like a muggleborn."

"Why don't you talk to me?" Lily said hotly, her eyes filled with hard rage. "I'm not an object. If you're going to kill me…_At least_ have the decency to talk to me."

A flash of surprise crossed his features, but they were quickly masked by distant amusement. "It was clever of you to use an invisibility spell."

Lily didn't reply, she just straightened her back and held her posture more perfectly than it had been her entire life.

"Well Muggleborn, what would you like your last words to be?"

Her fingers dug into her strawberry bracelet, and tears slipped down her broken and battered cheeks. The hollow of her knees were weakening and her chest was contradicting, but she didn't look away.

No, this had to be her last act of defiance.

Lily cleared her throat and said, "_Fuck …you_."

"Why you little bitch-" One of them spat, but Voldemort held up a hand.

"You could prove useful. You are smart, clearly clever. Wouldn't you like to save your family?"

Lily eyebrows furrowed. "…What do you mean?"

"If you became a double…We could promise that your family would be untouched."

"And why would I ever trust you?"

"What reason would I have to lie?" He answered simply as if they were having a normal conversation.

Lily thought about it. All of her anxiety would be gone. Her family would be safe and she wouldn't have worry about their safety any longer. It was a nice dream, but the longer she thought about it, the more she realized that she could lose her family any moment. They could die in a car accident, or get cancer, or have anything happened to them. Voldemort couldn't save them from that. All he was saying was as long as she did what he said, he wouldn't personally attack them and what good was a promise like that?

Perhaps a smarter person would have been able to use this as wiggle room to escape, but Lily wasn't going to. They were hunting her people. Eventually she was going to die and she was damned if they gained anything from it.

"No," She said in a low shuddering tone. "I won't do it."

Voldemort's rage became clear in his silence.

"You can kill me, and everyone like me, _but we will always come back,_ because what you are doing is wrong. _It's wrong_," Tears splashed down her cheeks as her voice became ragged, "And I may be young and naïve, but I know that you won't win…_Do you hear me?_ YOU-WON'T-WIN!"

Her voice rang through the streets, and Voldemort bared his teeth. "Fine. Kill her."

Lily snapped her eyes shut and squeezed them for good effort. She didn't want to see it.

"AVA-" One of them began, his voice hard, but he was interrupted by a louder much stronger voice.

"_NOOOOOOOO!_" A voice roared.

And Lily's eyes opened, because she _knew_ that voice, she knew that voice all too well. She turned and saw James panting, his wand rose. "Don't you touch her!"

"One against five?" Voldemort questioned him. "I don't like your odds Mr…?"

"That's Harold Potter's son." A Death Eater snarled. "_Nasty little bastard_."

"Well, with bravery like yours-" Voldemort began thoughtfully

"I wouldn't join you in a thousand years," James declared hotly; strutting forward, fear in his eyes, but not in his step.

"And you are a Pureblood I'm assuming?" Voldemort mused, looking livid. "And you wish to die too?"

James stepped forward and grabbed Lily's hand firmly, "I'd rather die than join you."

There was a beat of pause. All that was audible was the tears coming down Lily's face and James's heavy breathing. Neither one looked at the other because they knew if they did they would break stature.

"Very well then." Voldemort himself raised his wand, but stopped when he saw them.

Aurors and with them a man in white robes, and very destintive half moon shaped glasses. Tensing Voldemort disappeared, abandoning his Death Eaters as the Auror's shot spells at the fleeting Death Eaters.

Lily dropped onto James, her entire body weak and too tired to carry on. James grabbed her and held her, tears streaming down his own face as he pressed her as close to himself as humanely possible.

"We're alive," She sobbed in relief, "_We're alive._"

James couldn't speak, he pressed his face to hers and just held her. And for that moment, that was enough.

* * *

Dorcas broke through the door and saw bodies along the floor, but she kept moving towards the back of the restaurant.

Vomit crawled up her throat as she stepped over corpses. The idea that they had been people only hours earlier sickened her to the core. Bucking the bathroom door, Dorcas saw two wands pointing at her; Amelia Bones and Esmee's. Esmee was pretty messed up, one of her eyes were swollen shut, and she had a long gash on her cheek. Amelia's blond hair was everywhere, but she seemed to be rattled, but uninjured. As soon as Dorcas saw Amelia, she ran into her arms.

"Oh my god, I'm so glad you're okay," She pressed Amelia into her arms, and sent Esmee a strong look, "_Both of you_."

" There are a few people alive in the other bathroom. I just checked…" Her bright blue eyes centered on Dorcas, "…Is it over?"

Dorcas nodded, "The Auror's are here. The Death Eater's are fleeing…I thought Peter was with you, where is he?"

Esmee's eyes became glossy, "He's um…he's over there," she used her small fingers to point at a stall in the back.

Dorcas let go of Amelia, and stood up. She didn't know if he'd be alive or dead. After all the bodies she'd seen, Dorcas wasn't even sure she'd believe it if Amelia had told her whether or not he was. Peter, not Lily or even Marlene was her oldest friend and it was something she needed to see to believe.

Typical Dorcas, she didn't ask anyone, she went to investigate on her own and left the consequences for another time.

Gently, she pushed the stall door back, and dropped to her knees. Peter was alive, but he looked like he was dying. In his arms was Heather, but her eyes were open and she didn't blink, she didn't make a single sound.

Her chest wasn't rising, it wasn't falling, it was just sickeningly still.

Peter wouldn't let go of her. His was sobbing, continuously sobbing and even when Dorcas moved into his line of vision he saw nothing but Heather. Her tight grey skin, her blue lips, her previously perfect outfit was stained and there were trail of tears, coming from Peter, all coming from Peter.

His hair had fallen into his face, and his face was squeezed so hard it was bright red and his watery blue eyes were bloodshot.

And for once Dorcas didn't have a single idea what to do.

She was an action person. Other people talked about things, but she just did them. But she didn't have anything she could do. There was nothing she could say. All she could do was sit on the cold stone floor, and stare at them. Stare at what was a 16-year-old girl. A girl who told Dorcas only a week earlier that her greatest ambition was to see a unicorn and convince it become friends with her. A natural blond, a Hufflepuff, a Bernie botts collector, a good student, a daughter, a sister and a girlfriend.

Gone.

_Just gone._

Dorcas wished she were Marlene or Lily.

They would figure out what to do or say to Peter. They would be able to help him. They would fix him. She didn't know how they would do it, but they would. And she had never wanted to badly for them to be there.

Literally looking at him, she could see his heart ripping apart and it broke her heart. He had been with her for months and fell so madly in love with her that he started getting confidence and excitement about himself. He had told her that he couldn't believe anyone would want him, but to see that such a wonderful person did, gave him hope. Hope to be a better person. Hope to want to be a braver, stronger and tougher for her.

That person was dead.

Peter was the first friend she made when she came to Hogwarts, he helped her when she was bullied and never left her. He was the one person she could always count on no matter what happened.

And there was _nothing_ she could do to help him.


	51. Echo

_I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming my name_  
_Like a fool at the top of my lungs_  
_Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm alright_  
_But it's never enough_  
**-Jason Walker-**

* * *

There were plenty of things Lily had spent nights thinking about, to prepare herself for what was to come, but somehow doing a disposition on a Death Eater attack never made the cut.

Once she did have the terrifying nightmare that the Ministry was going to arrest her for something trivial and small, but it was just a wild crazy thought. She never thought she'd ever have to come to the Ministry unless she was doing an internship or starting a job. Never this.

Lily arrived on the edge of the Potter property and waited outside for Mr. Potter to come out as he promised he would. Mr. Potter insisted she not come inside as James would undoubtedly insist that he come with her for moral support and that would be more harmful than helpful so she waited.

Her pulse was racing, but there was little she could do to fix this. It was natural for her anxiety level to be raised so no amount of logic or reasoning would fix that. So she just rocked back and forth on her heels trying to gain a little perspective. Hey, at least they were asking her to do this and not Peter. Yes, she almost died, but considering the hell Peter was going through Lily wanted more than anything to do something to help and this way she could.

It was weird. She wasn't really friends with Peter and often thought about how despite everything that hadn't changed. With most people if you spend enough time around them then you naturally just find out things about them and start doing things together, but it never worked out that way for them. It was kind of a more passive version of Dorcas and Sirius's relationship. They were two people who happened to be friends with all the same people, but never particularly liked each other.

Still she felt so bad for him she wished she were better friends with him, just so she would know of more things to do to help ease his suffering. Dorcas and Marlene were switching off shifts to visit him before the funeral, so maybe she could go with one of them for a few hours and bring him some of his favorite sweets? If they were busy Remus or Sirius could go with her and then they could help her pick out what Peter would want.

That would work and then she could at least help even if it was just a small little thing that just made him feel the slightest bit better.

Sighing, Lily tried to pat down her hair and fix the strands of her hair that refused to stay pinned back. Mr. Potter had said she could dress casually as she wasn't under any kind of investigation, but Lily still wore her professional shorts and a white ruffle top that had once been her mothers. It wasn't too much, but she was sure she looked like she was going for a job interview and not a witness hearing.

Every few seconds she looked up; half-worrying that it would be James that came out and half-worrying it wouldn't be.

It had only been two days since the attack, but already she missed him. She didn't understand it, but it was like a part of her ached for him and it was beginning to really freak her out.

They couldn't be anything more than friends. Even if it killed her she had to keep it platonic. Heathers death was awful and also a message to anyone who dared get involved with a Muggleborn. Esmee had said that the only reason Peter survived was because they thought they already killed him. Lily didn't want that for James. He was destined for more than to die just because the girl he loved was in the line of fire.

James Potter was meant for so much more than that and she wanted him to have the life he deserved. She wished that he would just forget about her and find someone better for him, but a large part of her knew that if he ever actually did that it would break her heart. That was the devil of it, she didn't want to feel this way and she didn't want him to feel the way he did either. Their lives would be a lot less complicated if they were just friends with nothing lingering between them, but since she did feel this way she couldn't even pretend anymore that she'd be happy if he moved on. It was so incredibly selfish and Lily felt more and more guilty about it every day, but she couldn't help it. She wanted him, but she knew she shouldn't and that was something she'd have to deal with.

All she had to do was kill those feelings inside of her. If she did that then she could be real friends with him and show him that he really didn't belong with her. James could find a girl and Lily would even help him do it. James was more than worthy of happiness and she was determined that he should find it... even if it wasn't because of her.

Mr. Potter stepped out of the house; he was in royal blue robes, with a serious expression on his face that looked extraordinarily like the one his son rarely wore. He saw Lily and gave her a nod.

"Alright, so I have pulled a few strings. You will be talking with just a few Auror's and Wizengamot members." He explained, stooping to look at her.

Lily nodded, rolling her lips back and pressing them together.

"You'll be fine Lily. Remember; just tell them what you know. You did nothing wrong so you have nothing to be nervous about."

She recognized the logic in that and relaxed a bit. "Okay."

"Come on," He put on her arm for her to take. "Let's go."

Taking a deep breath, she did as she was told and prepared herself for the inevitable pull of apparation.

* * *

Dorcas leaned back against the wall directly beside Peter's bedroom door. Her eyes were loaded with tears and she was using every bit of strength she had to hold them back, but she was losing steam. Marlene was going to come in a moment or two and take over, but Dorcas couldn't do it anymore. She always thought she was a strong person. Any insult or threat thrown her way would never scare or ruin her, but watching Peter fall apart thrusted a knife into her the center of her heart.

People have different strengths and Dorcas knew that, she did. Lily was good at organizing and being in control of a situation. Marlene was good at taking care of other people and doing the right thing and Dorcas was good at taking charge.

There was no way she could go back in with Peter sobbing or speechless. This was where her strength struggled; this was where her power failed. She wanted to be that person who could handle everything. That was always the person she thought she was, the ultimate friend who could be whatever the other person needed them to be in their time of crisis.

But she wasn't, she was weak and helpless and the guilt was consuming her.

Her warm brown hair had grown out a lot over the summer, but it had been days since she had put any effort into it. Her fingers dug into it, as her thin body flattened against the wall and her knees locked together.

"Dorcas?" Mrs. Pettigrew whispered timidly, her grey hair falling into her plain face.

Dorcas stood up straight, and took a breath like she hadn't been upset. "Hi Nora, sorry I'm just-"

"You don't have to explain." The much older woman said kindly, her eyes thick with concern. "Peter is a lot to handle when he's upset. He gets very attached to people and," She lowered her voice, "I believe with Heather's death his depression is back."

"...Depression?" Dorcas breathed in confusion.

"After his father died, he wouldn't leave his bed for a month."

Dorcas looked away in shame. "_He told me he wasn't feeling wel_l…"

"Well _he wasn't_." Mrs. Pettigrew frowned, "I worry about his symtoms…His father suffered from depression as well."

"He has us this time."

"I appreciate that dear, but I believe that he and his father are very similar." Her high-pitched voice lowered, as her blue eyes locked on the shut door. "You two have been friends for a long time so I think you should know something."

"What is it?" Dorcas asked nervously.

"Peter's father went to see a therapist all of his life. He always was self-defeating and had low self-esteem, but he was a sweet and kind man."

"Like Peter."

Mrs. Pettigrews face shook, though she didn't cry. "Dorcas, did Peter tell you he was the one to find his father?"

"Marlene told me. She said he had a heart attack."

"It…it wasn't a heart attack. Peter always says it was, but it wasn't… _He killed himself Dorcas_."

Speechless, Dorcas clamped her hands over her mouth.

"Don't tell Marlene, and don't come over anymore than you have to because I told you that. Peter is a good boy, but you can't be with him all the time. I'm going to take him to see a therapist next week to help him through this." Mrs. Pettigrew added gently, "We can't fix people. We can only save the ones who want to be saved. And he'll get there. I'm sure he will."

Dorcas couldn't speak, so she just nodded.

Mrs. Pettigrew was a very short woman. She placed her large hands on Dorcas's cheeks, and pulled her face down so she could plant a kiss on her forehead.

* * *

Lily's stomach turned over and over again. She had finished her testimony three minutes earlier and they had yet to speak to her. It did give her some comfort to see that Dumbledore was one of the people conducting the interview, but he didn't acknowledge her any differently than the other members had so it wasn't quite as soothing as she wished it had been.

"Ms. Evans," An older woman began in a dark voice, "Who told you to send your friends to the Ministry incase of an emergency."

Lily furrowed her eyebrows. "No…no one. I just thought-"

"And how did you know how to fight against the so called, 'Death Eaters?" The same woman asked, her tone sharp. "You are about to be a seventh year, but I do not believe they actively teach dueling at Hogwarts."

"We do." Dumbledore informed the woman calmly. "We want our students to be prepared for any dangers they might face in the world."

A scowl crept up on the woman's face. "And Ms. Evans what is your involvement with Mr. Potter?"

"Um, his son goes to school with me…"

"I was referring to James Harold Potter." She clarified.

Lily paused, giving Dumbledore a look. "_Um_…he's my friend. He's in my house and in my year at Hogwarts-"

"And he too saw the Death Eaters?

"What is with this line of questioning Carol?" A younger brunette woman with thick-rimmed glasses asked.

"Because Diane, I'm trying to understand the situation. I find it very _odd_ that a muggleborn would not only be well versed in dueling, but could convince a pureblooded by in good standing to risk his life-"

"…Are you saying I'm lying?" Lily breathed in surprise.

"_Are you_?" She countered, her green eyes narrowed.

"I have to agree with Carol." The man beside Dumbledore said as he scratched his patchy facial hair. "It does sound highly unlikely."

"Several Auror's saw it happen." The youngest man spoke clearly, giving Carol and the other man a stern look. "Highly decorated officers-"

"Yes," Carol waved that away, "But we aren't talking to Auror's. We are talking to a teenage girl and they don't know what happened before they arrived."

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Well then might I suggest that we take what Ms. Evans has already explained into account and release her. Unless you have any more questions that are _relevant_ to the case."

Carol and the man that had agreed with her both scowled. "You may go."

Uncomfortable, Lily straightened her shirt and rose to her feet. "Thank you."

It had been the most awkward hour of her life and she was relieved to be free of it. The whole time she wished Mr. Potter could have come inside with her. He would have stopped them from implying that she wasn't capable of fighting Death Eaters and being friends with a pureblood. But she was technically an adult and therefore couldn't have an unauthorized adult in the proceedings.

Walking out of the office, she felt her hands quiver slightly, but she kept it together. Mr. Potter said he would come back for her. So all she had to do was just forget about what just happened and just wait for him.

The room filed out and she let out a sigh of relief when she saw the horrible woman keep walking. That relief was short lived however, because just as Dumbledore apparated out the man that had agreed with Carol, the woman with the patchy facial hair, stopped in front of her.

"No one believes you, you know." He informed her flippantly.

She bit her bottom lip furiously, trying not to rise to his bait.

"The word of a Mudblood might get you far in school, but that won't last long."

"I'm sorry I never caught your name." Lily said cutting, crossing her arms boldly.

"Mr. Golan," He told her, his light eyes narrowed. "So if I were you girl, I'd watch my step-"

"Ten seconds," Mr. Potter interrupted flatly, waltzing up to them.

Mr. Golan stared at him with confusion. "...What?"

"That's how long you have to get out of my sight, before I force you out of my sight." He said firmly.

Mr. Golan scoffed. "I'm not afraid of you Potter."

"Yeah? Why because you have a friend in _high places_?"

He didn't reply, but his lips thinned.

"You can try to act like you are above bullying people you see as weaker than yourself, but you are not better than the rest of them, because you are still his little bitch." Mr. Potter informed him, before placing his hand on Lily's shoulder and steering her away from Mr. Golan.

"Bastard," Mr. Potter growled furiously. "He wasn't supposed to be in there."

"Mr. Potter-"

"I don't have long left here," He told her as he saw the concern building in her eyes, "I've worked here for decades. I started as just a normal Auror and built my way up to being Head of the department. And soon I will be forced out. They have already started trying trick me into doing something so they can discredit me." His brown eyes flickered to Lily's sad face, "Regardless I won't let anyone talk to you that way."

She gave him a small smile. "Thank you, Mr. Potter."

"I should cool my temper…I used to have a better control of it, but lately I have been slipping."

"You're a lot like your son." Lily said without meaning to as they moved into the lift.

"Really?" He said softly, a grin on his face. "I always thought he had more of his wife in him."

"From what I have seen of Mrs. Potter he is a lot like her to. He takes care of people, likes to tease and worries about them constantly, but he has your passion, intensity, temper, leadership skills and protective instincts." She listed of analytically.

Mr. Potter said, "You think so?"

"He's a blimey idiot, don't get me wrong," Lily laughed as the doors shut, "but he has his moments and when he does, he really does."

"And, what exactly is your relationship with my son?"

Startled, her eyes grew wide and her cheeks flushed. "Oh, just friends."

"Ah huh."

Lily shook her head. "I don't know why that is such a popular question today…People died, why would anyone care about my life?"

"Most pureblood families have a tapestries listing their family tree, but our family has died out immensely over the years." Mr. Potter commented, "James is the last Potter that can pass on the family name and since we are a very old pureblood family people would like the family line to stay _pure_."

"And they think if I do go with James _I'll taint it_?" Lily said thinking of her sister's words.

"Racist people do, but I wouldn't give them another thought."

"Why?"

"Because they are idiots. Who are also probably offended that you are a ginger or short." Mr. Potter ran a hand through his almost completely grey hair. "Once a person starts down a path to find perfection, they will look for any and all excuses to exclude other people until there's no one left."

Lily looked up at Mr. Potter and sighed. "It sounds exhausting."

"I'm sure it is. Regardless, you are coming over for dinner tonight." He told her. "Dorcas, and Sirius are having family dinner tonight with us and we would be delighted if you would join us."

"Are you sure?"

He paused outside of the elevator. "Of course. The only way you let people like that win is by letting yourself think there is any truth to their hatred. So come along Lily."

Lily smiled and followed him without putting up a fight.

* * *

James rolled out of his room, and walked through the house to the kitchen. There Remus was waiting patiently with a mug of coffee in his hand.

"About time mate. How long does a shower take?"

"Long time. I fell asleep in there." James admitted. "I haven't been sleeping much lately.

Remus looked him over. "Still having those dreams about Lily?"

"Yeah." James sighed rubbing his eyes.

"So what's the plan? Your mum invited me over for dinner tonight. So when are you going over to check on Pete?"

"I'm about to go over to Pete's with his favorite cheese now. Then I should be back in a few hours for dinner." James told Remus, a somber look on his face. "What time is the funeral tomorrow?"

"6."

"Well the girls are going early, but I thought we could go with Peter. Give him a bit of support."

Remus nodded leaning against the kitchen counter. "Sounds like a good idea."

"I can't believe this has happened," James muttered looking down, "Just…_poor Pete._"

"I know…I don't know what I would have done if it had been me." Remus admitted, biting the side of his lip."

"I know she's a muggleborn, but I don't think you have to worry about Dora. She can fight better than most of us."

"I still worry." Remus said flatly, "_Coming back and seeing that note in her handwriting…_Well I'm just glad you guys made it out."

James nodded, his face tight, "I really thought we wouldn't."

"Well you did. You and Lily."

"You should have seen her." James whispered in admiration.

Remus's face curved into a small smile. "She said it was you who were the brave one, standing up to Voldemort."

"…She said _that_?" James asked in surprise.

"Yes she did."

"Oh..."

"I know, it must be shocking to hear that she says genuinely nice things about you after all these years."

James shrugged, with a mixed expression on his face. "I just didn't expect is all."

"Don't go getting ahead of yourself. You know Lily, she might see this as a reason to pull away from you."

"Why does she have to be so noble?" James rolled his eyes with an undertone of disgust.

"Because if she wasn't you wouldn't be mad about her."

"Fair enough." James looked up and saw Dorcas walking through the grounds. "That's my cue to leave. I'm going to floo over. I'll see you later mate."

James clapped his hand on Remus's shoulder, the cheese under his arm as he left the room.

Remus smiled when he saw Dorcas, but his face fell when he saw her face red and her shoulders shaking from sobbing.

"I'm a hhhorrible person."

"No you aren't. What's wrong?"

"Yyes I aam. Yyou're biased bbecause yyou llove meee."

Remus scooped her up into his arms. "Shhhh."

Dorcas burrowed her head into his neck. "I sshould hhave bbeen there for hhim."

"Just breathe Dora," He told her softly rubbing her back.

Her grip on his back tightened, though her breathing was slowing down.

He kissed the top of her head, pushing her hair back with his free hand. "You're going to be alright. You're going to be fine."

Dorcas took a step back away from him after a few minutes. She used the bottom of her palms to wipe away her tears and he she took his hand and started walking up to her room with him. Remus was confused, but he didn't say anything. He followed her without question and just hoped that she would be okay. They'd been dating for months, but he hadn't seen her cry this hard since Marlene was kidnapped.

He knew what was happening to Peter was affecting her the most, but he didn't expect her to fall to pieces.

She shut her door, shut her blinds and dragged him into her bed. "Cuddle." She ordered him, earning a low laugh from him.

"Okay boss."

"I'd say you don't have to, but you do."

He wrapped his arms around her. "I have no problem with that."

Dorcas settled against him, her eyes big and fixed on him. "I just…I wish I could do more for Peter…I feel like I should have been there for all of it. I feel like I should have known…but just…_god_. I'm a horrible person."

"You aren't a bad person Dora," He insisted, using his fingertips to tilt her face upward. "You just feel bad."

"I just don't want anything to happen to Peter."

"We will protect him." Remus promised. "James and Mar are with him right now and tomorrow we will all be there. We won't let him be alone. Not even for a second. Like he would if it were any of us."

Her hand rose to cup his face, her fingers rolling across his stumble tenderly. "…_I'm glad you weren't there._"

"I'm glad you are okay."

"I'm sorry, if I'm difficult and hard to be with." She blurted out before she could stop herself.

He kissed her hands and shook his head. "No one is perfect Dora, and I don't mind. I enjoy being with someone that challenges me."

"And…" Her voice grew tight, "I want to thank you."

"For what?"

"Not expecting me to tell you I love you…Most guys would have bolted."

Remus stroked her cheeks. "I love you why would I leave before giving you the chance to feel the same way."

"I…_I do_."

"…what?"

"I…" She braced herself for a minute. "I do. _I um…I love you._ I was just scared and I didn't want to hurt Marlene and…but…I love you-"

Remus seized her, his lips feverish on her as he pressed her as close to himself as he could manage. Dorcas responded instantly, her legs wrapping around his waist, her arms hugging around his torso.

When he let her go, Dorcas swooned when she saw the emotions lingering in his eyes. "Say it again," He asked her.

Despite her best intentions she giggled, "I love you."

"I love you too," He breath warm on her face, as his nose grazed against hers.

"I'm still a horrible person."

"No you aren't and you will prove it by spending the whole day tomorrow supporting Peter and being there for him." He kissed every inch of her face lightly forcing a smile out of her.

"Okay... Okay."

"I'm sorry if I'm sometimes horrible and difficult to be with," He said back.

She snorted. "Apology accepted."

"What you don't love me anyway?"

"Nope."

He saw the smile fighting to make it's way across her face and started kissing her neck knowing what it would do. She let out a gasp, her fingers digging into his back. "Remus!"

"What?"

"Fine! Just stop that!" Dorcas said squirming away from him. "I'm not doing that, with you, here."

Remus laughed putting his hands up in innocence. "My apologies miss."

Dorcas waited a beat, her expression growing serious. "Do you honestly think he'll be okay?"

"I don't know, but I hope so."

"…Want to take a nap?"

"Sure," He let her turn on her side, and he snuck his arm around her and tugged her back to his front. "I love you," he murmured into her ear.

Dorcas's eyes filled up with tears, and she hugged him closer. "I love you too."


	52. Medicine

_You could still be,_  
_what you want to,_  
_What you said you were,_  
_when I met you.  
_**-Daughter-**

* * *

The room wasn't silent, but it was three tones quieter than any other room that held more than 60 occupants. Sirius was standing in the back of the room. He pretended to take a sip of the water in his hand, before giving up and throwing it away all together.

Sirius's eyes skipped around the room. It was Remus and Dorcas's turn to stay by Peter. James and Lily were talking with her parents, probably saying something nice about Heather to make them feel better. Sirius sighed and unbuttoned the top button on his dress shirt. It was cutting off his air supply, but he found that even when he loosened it there was some difficulty breathing. He didn't know why. Sure it wasn't comfortable being a Peter's girlfriend's funeral, but it could have been worse. It could have been Peter or James.

Still he kept checking his watch and wishing it were time to leave. It wasn't like he wanted to go shag a girl or throw a party. He just really had no business being at this funeral. Heather was a nice girl and he was happy for Peter, she made him happy, but now that she was gone he didn't have a single thing to say. 'I'm sorry mate,' just really didn't seem to be enough to fit the bill. This was his area of expertise. Need some booze, a wingman? A good time? Then he was the guy for the job, but the was beyond his depth.

If anyone asked him what he honestly thought of himself he would say he wasn't a deep person. He had shitty racist parents, he got out, had the best mates in the world and would die for them. That was it really. It was pretty basic and simple with him. People liked to make him out to be this wounded man, but he knew they were just looking for a reason why he didn't fit neatly into what they thought he should be. And that was their problem.

His eyes flickered over a group of crying sixth year girls, no doubt some friends of Heather's, he continued looking until his eyes settled on the only person still sitting in a seat. He tried to look away and he might have managed it, if he didn't see the redness around her eyes and the trembling of her shoulders. Honestly he wanted so badly not to care, but he couldn't ignore her.

"Fuck," He grumbled under his breath, before reluctantly strutting over and sitting down beside her.

Marlene didn't look at him; her eyes were locked on the large picture of Heather next to the table lined with food. "What do _you_ want?" She asked in a broken tone.

"Nothing." He answered honestly.

She nodded, and hung her head as her hair began to stick to the sides of her damp face.

"Come on," He nudged her somberly.

"Wwhat?"

"Let's get some air."

Marlene gave him a reproachful look. "What?"

"Come on."

She scoffed, but stood up and followed him outside. It was dark out, and the clouds couldn't decide whether or not it wanted to rain or not. A few drops fell, it wasn't consistent, the chilly wind was though. It didn't feel like a July night, more like a late fall one, but regardless they both stood there.

Marlene wrapped her arms around herself, looking down at the hem of her plain black dress. Her nose was bright pink, but the rest of her face was ghostly pale.

"You know," Her voice thick, "She was terrified…Lily held it together for the most part. Esmee and Peter pulled through…_but not her_…Her face, she was so scared. And I wasn't there."

"If you didn't leave Lily and James would have been killed. There wouldn't have been any back up to arrive to save them."

"I know. I know I did the right thing and if I had the choice again I'd have to do the whole over again." Marlene blinked, tears splashing down her cheeks. "The others wouldn't have known where Mr. Potter's office was or gotten to the Ministry as fast…but I still feel guilty, because she was so scared and she was right to be. She died and I wish I could say or do something, but I just sit with Peter and he doesn't say anything. He just sits there. It's like he died too."

"He loved her."

Marlene choked a sob at that. "…_I know_…Merlin, he had to _watch her die_."

Marlene broke down; her hands covered her face as she rocked back and forth. His own eyes grew strained from hearing her cry next to him, until he couldn't take it anymore. He didn't know if she would yell at him or run away, but he didn't care. She was in pain and despite everything they'd put each other through, he couldn't just stand there and do nothing. Sirius moved over to her, lifted his arm up and put it around shoulder and curled his arm around her, pulling her into his chest. Marlene didn't fight him, she cried harder sinking into him. Resting his head on the top of hers.

"Why did it have to be her?" Marlene wanted to know. "_It should have been me_."

Sirius pulled away suddenly, giving her a hard look. "No. It shouldn't have. No one should have died, but she didn't deserve to live more than you do."

Marlene wouldn't look at him.

"I know you hate me." Sirius told her his own voice wavering, "I know. Okay? And I'm not asking you not to hate me. You deserve to hate me…Okay? _I'm just asking you not to hate yourself._"

Her eyes squeezed shut and a stream of new tears flew down her face.

Seeing her face, Sirius tucked her back into his chest, and wrapped his arms around her securely. Before he could stop himself, he thought of how he would feel if this were Marlene's funeral and not Heather. Instantly his grip on her tightened and hot tears sprung to his eyes.

The last time he saw her he had convinced himself that she was just another girl and he could let her go if he just ignored her. He didn't know she was his best friend. He didn't know that the only person he trusted more than her was James, but as soon as he read that note and it occurred to him that Marlene could be in danger it did.

Despite his best efforts to fight it, Sirius needed her. Even if he could never really be with her again it didn't matter to him. He needed her to be in his life, even if all he could ever handle was just being her friend.

Marlene wanted to move away from him. She wanted to be the type of woman who wouldn't forgive such a man and she didn't. He broke her heart and tore her apart, but he wasn't asking for her back or for anything. Sirius was just there when she needed someone and she didn't have it in her to walk away. Someone died, that changed everything. They didn't have time anymore to be petty or angry. It wasn't quite the time to let go of the damage that had been done, but it was the time to set it aside as this was bigger than them. It was bigger than all of them and for that moment that sufficed.

While he held her, Sirius allowed himself to do things he had denied himself from doing in the past few months. He pressed his lips against her temple; he ran his hands through the ends of her hair and at one point he even let himself close his eyes, but it didn't last long. Soon Marlene calmed down, and as soon as she did, she pulled away from him and moved away as soon as possible.

She didn't say anything when she moved away from him and returned to the funeral party. There was no apologizes or thank you's. The minute they were no longer touching, they went right back to how things had been. They were just strangers that knew each other very well.

* * *

A month after Heather's funeral, James stood in front of Peter's house with an unsure look on his face. He knew what he would say to Peter. How he would promise things would get better. How he would sit there and be there for him, but something feel forced. Something felt wrong about it.

He'd come by every day and said nothing to Peter. Just sat with him and waited for the moment Peter would let out all the hurt he was harboring inside of him. It never seemed to happen and James was beginning to think he was the problem. A few times he had talked to Marlene about it to see if there was something else he could do, but that was just it. There was nothing he really could do.

Mrs. Pettigrew let him in like she always did, and James headed off to Peter's room. For a second or two he gave himself a pep talk and told himself he could get through to Peter and if not then at least he could bring him a bite to eat before leaving with everyone else.

"Hey Pete," James muttered, putting the bag of food by his side table before leaning against his doorway. "I picked up your favorite."

Peter didn't say anything; he just looked at him with the same limp vacant expression he'd held for the past month.

"I know you don't want to go, and I'm not here to try and make you." James said raising his hands, "I just want to see how you are doing before I leave."

"I'm fine."

"Okay, please don't lie-"

"Well what do you want me to say James?" Peter snapped harshly, his face scrunched together. "It's been a month, I'm over it. _Is that what you want me to say?"_

"No. No! Of course not!"

"Then what do you want? Because there's no good here." Peter told him blankly, gesturing to himself. "There's no holding my hand. There's no telling me I'm going to get through this anymore. There's just you getting the hell out."

"Pete, I'm your best friend," James said weakly.

"Since when?" Peter scoffed, "Sure you've been here for this, but what about the rest of it?"

Taking a step back, James blinked. "What…what are you talking about?"

"Forget it." Peter laughed hollowly. "Of course you wouldn't have a clue. It isn't about the great and amazing James Potter so why would it matter? Why would anyone else's life matter?"

"Pete…You know that isn't true-"

Peter snarled, "Oh cut the bullshit Potter. You think you really care about other people? Always the big hero right? No one can function without you right?"

James paled.

"You know what? You may have helped Sirius and Dorcas, but what about Marlene? Do you know what they must have done to her when they took her? Do you have any idea what she looked like when I found her?" Peter shook his head in disgust. "She was broken. _They broke her_, and all you did was pick her up. You never thought about how terrified she must have been. You never asked her if she was okay. You never saw her go down to the common room at night and rock herself to sleep. All you cared about was that she said she was fine, and you didn't look any farther than that. You played Quidditch, and you flirted with Lily, and you lived your _perfect-little-life_."

"My life isn't perfect-"

"Why because Lily won't date you?" Peter said coldly, his blue eyes sunken in and almost colorless. "I give that a month or two more. And when you do date, remind yourself every time you hold her, kiss her, look at her that your girlfriend is alive. Alive and well, while mine is dead."

James scowled, his jaw firming up. "Peter, you are my best friend, and I know you are in a low place. And I'm not going to be condescending and say I understand, because I don't. I'm going to go away for a week and give you some space, but despite everything you just fucking said to me I'm going to come back here every day after that and be on your ass, supporting you, because despite…" He paused, his hazel eyes fixing on Peter, "Despite what I must have done to make you have such a… _low opinion of me_…_you are my brother_, and I won't leave you just because you are in a bad place. I'm sorry about Heather…_I really am. _It shouldn't have happened, but you aren't alone."

"…Just go." Peter breathed, looking away from him.

"Fine, but I'll be back." James turned to go to the doorway, but he paused for a moment before continuing on, tears growing in his eyes as he did.

He didn't go back home. Not at first. First he went to a playground he and Marlene used to play at when they were kids. Now 12 years later, he watched other kids running around, screaming and playing with each other. It wasn't nostalgia he was feeling, but nostalgia's barren cousin.

Lingering by the benches for a minute, he finally made his way over to Marlene's favorite, the swings. He sat down on a particularly low one, kicking his feet back and forth as he watched the earth below him speed by.

He wished he could take it back. All of it.

James would give up so much to bring Peter back his happiness and it wasn't just words. If he honestly had a choice between being with Lily and Heather being alive, at this point he would pick Heather. But Peter was right. Selfish and arrogant, James had never asked Marlene what had happened to her. Why? Because he didn't want to know. He didn't want to think about a single second of pain she had to go through because it reminded him that he waited.

For three days he waited for someone else to take care of it and he let himself believe that if he stayed out of it then the adults would take care of it. It sounded like the right decision, but it wasn't. He should have been with her in the first place. He should have never let her out of his sight.

Peter was right. All the time he liked to think of himself as this great hero when really when it came down to it, he was just a seventeen year old kid that had a comfortable life and no clue what he was doing.

He had no idea what Peter was going through, and somehow he thought just because he had seen his father comfort people he knew what it was about, but he didn't.

In order to comfort someone you had to have an idea of the pain they were going through and when it came to Peter, no matter how much he tried, James couldn't relate.

His hands loosely linked around the chains holding up the swing and he let his body curl forward. Tears may have came, they may not have, but by the time James stood up to leave the sun had set and his face was dry regardless.

* * *

Sirius followed Lily up the stairs. "I'm really shocked. Lily Evans hasn't packed. I think I might have to call the Daily Prophet and report it."

"Oh sod off! I've had a lot on my mind."

"Like what? We are about to be seventh years, Kings and Queen's of the school. What could be wrong about that?"

"It's a little hard to think about that with everything else that has been going on."

"See," He told her following her into her room, "That's your problem. You focus, and you worry. You never see the good."

"Okay, you're my friend …right?" Lily began biting her lip.

Sirius narrowed his eyes at her. "…Yeeaaah. Why?"

"Because I need a favor from you."

"Like what?"

Lily took a minute an embarrassed look. "Okay, I know you are going to take the mickey out of me, but I want you to hear me out."

Sirius mockingly made a salute, leaning against her door frame. "What is it, oh great ginger one?"

"You have to promise you won't tell anyone."

"Bloke code."

She frowned as she pulled out her suitcase. "I'm not a bloke."

"Doesn't matter, you and I are mate's, therefore it applies." Sirius told her.

"Okay," She let out a breath, "I have feelings for James, but those feelings make his life more difficult. So obviously I need to kill these feelings, and make sure they stay platonic. So I need you to help me, stop myself from making this any worse."

"Just so we are clear, you know how stupid this is right?" Sirius asked bluntly.

Lily glared at him. "No it isn't."

"Yes it is. _We are all hunted_. James, Remus, Peter, McKinnon and I are all blood traitors. You and Meadowes are muggleborn. The Cooper's are all half bloods. Nobody is safe anymore," Sirius shook his head, his sleek black hair falling into his forehead, "I bet you and James are at the top of the list too for standing up to Voldemort."

Lily paused, processed what he was saying and promptly ignored it. She pointed at him fiercely, "You can't tell me that James will be any safer by being with me."

"No-"

"Then it's settled we should just be friends."

"But he won't be in any more danger being with you either." Sirius added, "It doesn't make much of a difference-"

"Well it does_ to me_!" Lily shouted promptly, throwing her luggage aside, her cheeks flaming red. "I don't want to be the cause of his death! I don't want to be the reason he doesn't live a full life. I don't want to taint him!"

Sirius frowned, "_Taint him?"_

Lily shifted away, picking up her luggage.

"Who said that?"

"Nothing…Nobody…It doesn't matter. What does matter is that we are just going to be friends and _that's it_."

Sirius opened his mouth to argue, but then he shut it. He shrugged aggressively, "Fine. Fine, but I doubt you'll last."

"What do you mean?"

"First, you two are going to be half naked together for a week. Second, I have a feeling you'll be seeing him a lot this year."

"Why because I'm HeadGirl?"

Sirius smirked widely, "Didn't you see who the HeadBoy was?"

"No, it didn't say. I don't think he was picked yet, why?"

"Oh, I just think you'll have to deal with him occasionally." He hinted casually.

"I have no problem sending any of you to detention." She stated flatly.

"I know you don't."

Lily sighed as she started to toss sort through her clothes. "Well…As long as that's clear."

"But don't worry I'll help you." Sirius told her earnestly.

She gaped at him, her eyes wide with appreciation. "Really?..._You will?_"

"As you said, I'm your friend and _friends always do what is best for each other._"

"Exactly!" Lily beamed.

Sirius's smirked, but a thought occurred to him and it was replaced by a somber expression. "That reminds me." He slipped his hand into his pocket and handed her a gold bracelet.

"Uh…This isn't mine."

"I know."

She tilted her head, "…I don't understand."

"It's McKinnon's."

"Then why are you giving it to me?"

"You're my friend right?"

Lily rolled her eyes. "Okay so you want me to give it back to Marlene, but why don't you just give it to her tonight? It's not a big deal-"

"Because I don't want to okay?" He shifted, a scowl on his face. "Just do this for me."

"Fine, fine." Lily put the rest of her stuff in her luggage.

"And why don't we just make an overall pact right now while we are at it?" Sirius said crossing his arms. "You don't try and force me to talk about or to Marlene and I won't tell you, what a lunatic you are being."

"What? I'm…Stop giving me that look! I'm not being a lunatic!" Lily shouted.

He gave her a look. "Really?"

"…Fine!" She took his outstretched hand.

"Good."

"I'm not going to ask about it….but _are you okay_?" Lily asked, "Like in general, but…"

Sirius scoffed. "Stop Lil. We aren't doing _this_. What we are going to do is help each other get by. And in order to do that, you are going to finishing packing so we can leave…this century."

"Fine."

Without asking, Sirius laid down on her bed and looked at her ceiling with a confused expression on his face. "What's with your room?"

"What do you mean?"

"You don't have any posters or…girl stuff."

Lily shrugged, "I don't there's something with my walls. Whenever I'd put something up it would just fall down a few weeks later so I just gave up."

"…You're a witch, why didn't you just use magic?"

"Because I didn't want a picture of things I was interested in when I was 12 permanently stuck to my walls.

"Huh."

"What?"

"For someone that's really irrational you can be really practical."

Lily clicked her tongue on the top of her mouth. "I'm going to ignore the fact that you keep calling me mad, and take that as a compliment."

"Which is what it was."

"You are horrible at giving compliments."

"I try," He yawned, turning onto his side.

For a few minutes there was silence. Sirius for once didn't try to fill it. He just sat there and let all of the thoughts that he had been repressing, rush to the surface. It was his idea not to talk about anything, but the longer he lingered in the comfort of her room, the more he wanted to break his own promise.

"I talked to her at the funeral you know." He said when her back was turned.

"Who?"

He didn't answer.

Lily closed her suitcase, and leaned against it, not looking at him. "And?"

Sirius voice dropped, "Nothing. She was crying. I was there."

"If it was nothing why'd you bring it up?"

"…_I don't know._"

"You know…" Lily began quietly, "I still miss Severus. I know he's a horrible person and he's made bad decisions, but I still miss him, because he used to be my friend."

"Your point?"

"My point is someone can still mean something to you even if you don't want them to or if they're not supposed to." She said not thinking of Snape at all. "...People sneak up on you."

Sirius glanced at her back thoughtfully. "Do you love him?"

"No. No...No." Lily answered quickly.

"Then how did you know who I was talking about when I asked?"

Lily stopped moving, her heart rate rising, her face constricting and her eyes full of panic.

"She was right about me you know." Sirius said flippantly, his grey eyes flickering at the floor. "I do love her."

"Then what's the problem?"

He sat up, his legs dangling off her bed as he rubbed his face. "Everything else."

Lily zipped up her suitcase and nodded.

"I won't tell if you don't."

She turned to face him, her face growing softer as she looked at him. "Deal."


	53. It Is What It Is

_I was only trying to bury the pain_  
_But I made you cry and I can't stop the crying_  
_Was only trying to save me but I lost you again_  
_Now there's only lying, wish I could say it's only me_  
**-Lifehouse-**

* * *

On the first day of school, Lily wasn't early to class for the first time…ever. There were a few people already in the transfiguration classroom, sitting in the same seats they had sat in since first year. Marlene would be late; Dumbledore held her up at breakfast. Dorcas was still in the hospital wing with Remus and despite his insisting that she didn't need to miss class over him, she would. So this time Lily had to sit by herself, which had never been a problem before, but was a problem now.

If they were there she could distract herself and forget why she couldn't have just came to class with the Marauder's and why she hadn't really spoken to James in two weeks. Now there was nothing to hide in and all she could feel was shame. What was wrong with her? Why did she destroy her relationship with James? All she had to do was stay friends with him to make it through the school year, but she fucked that up so thoroughly she was surprised Sirius was still talking to her.

Biting her lip, she tapped her quill on the edge of her desk and looked over at the vacant seats. He would be there soon, now he was HeadBoy and regardless of all presumptions she had of him in the past, he took that seriously.

The truth was, all this time she had convinced herself that he was an idiot, but it was her, she was the idiot. Lily couldn't ignore it any more. She was a coward and a horrible person, so scared of falling in love with James, so scared that her actions could hurt him that she managed to hurt him worse than anything else. The ride in the Head's department on the way to school was excruciating. They had been required to only sit in there for the prefect meeting and an hour incase anyone needed them. Lily considered trying to talk to him, to apologize and try to redeem herself, but his posture was so stiff, his eyes so distant and cold that she just kept quiet.

James was a catch really and though he could do a lot better than her, she was more upset by what she had done to him than anything else. The image of how shattered he was, how damaged she had made him haunted her every minute.

And one of the worst parts about it was that no one reassured her about it. Usually when she messed up, her friends would reassure her and comfort her. Hell sometimes they even lied to her to make her feel better, but even Marlene had spent the past two weeks avoiding the subject of James in front of Lily. There was no comfort in seeing that even her friends thought the situation was hopeless and over.

This wasn't what she wanted. She didn't ask for this, but in the moments when she was really open with herself she realized she did. Lily had wanted so badly for him to stay away from her, to keep himself safe and just not need her anymore that she had made it happen. It was a wish that she never really processed what the consequences of that really would mean. She always thought she knew what she wanted because it was logical and had fewer consequences, but now she could feel how wrong that was.

After sitting by herself for a few moments, a deep ache began to twist in her chest. For the first time in a long time she really missed Mary. Not just her presence or memories they had shared together, but really Mary herself. Marlene was biased towards James, Dorcas wouldn't understand how Lily felt about everything, but Mary…Mary would help her see what she should do next. Alice was across the room and had patched things up with Lily long ago, but Lily didn't want to talk to her. This was something she was miserable about and the last thing she wanted was to make Alice any unhappier than she was.

It was kind of unsettling how much things could change in just a few short weeks.

* * *

**Day 5 of Vacation**

A tall blond raced through the cabin she had spent many of her summers living in. Her bare feet moved expertly through the halls until she found the person she had been searching for. When she saw him hanging out with Esmee, in one of the many rooms, her blue eyes narrowed, she flicked her back off of her face and charged to confront him.

"What-are-you DOING?" Marlene demanded shutting the door and pushing Sirius against the back wall. "Why do you keep cockblocking James?! Do you have any idea how long it took me to get the pair of them to be alone?"

"Lily doesn't want to date him…" Sirius gulped, raising his hands as if utterly blameless. "And she asked me to help run interference…."

Marlene pinched the bridge of her nose, "And you said yes…?"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time…"

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"

"I promised Lily I would help her! Would you calm down?!"

"You don't understand Black," Marlene snapped viciously, pointing at him. "If you get in between James and Lily, I _will_ MUR-DER YOU."

"Do you guys want me to like…_go_? Because I can go get a yogurt or something…" Esmee suggested loosely, trying to edge out of the room.

Marlene caught her arm, her eyes wild. "Haven't you ever believed in the love of two people so much that you thought they were destined to be?"

"Uh…Yeah…_in fiction._"

"Well this is a real life couple, that is supposed to be together and I'm not going to let Lily Evans ruin her life because she is stupid. _Even you_," She gestured to Sirius, "Have to agree that she's being a complete and total idiot!"

Sirius said, "Yes, she is, but that's her choice."

"And you are also aware that this is your best friends happiness you're talking about right?"

"Look, we all know they can't stay away from each other. I just agreed to help her this week."

"Well, _fuck that_." Marlene scoffed, "This is the perfect opportunity for them to finally get together."

Esmee looked at her like she was unhinged. "Can't that happen… naturally?"

"Not with Lily hitting the self destruct button every bloody minute!" Marlene grumbled, "I need reinforcements…Esmee could you please get Remus and Dorcas if they are available? I'm going to need all hands on deck for this one."

"…Uh…sure." Esmee muttered, her combat boots squeaking against the hardwood floor.

Marlene looked back at Sirius and in a flash she had him pinned down and had his hands pinned behind his back with a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs.

"What…what are you doing?!" Sirius yelled, attempting in vain to twist away from her.

"You have betrayed the cause and therefore you will be tied up here until the night is over." She declared.

"You can't be-"

Marlene glowered at him. "Oh but I am. I have lost a lot this year, and from the moment we got here I decided that I was finally going to just force them together. They are my project. They are what is keeping me from killing you. So shut-UP."

"I barely even did anything."

"Every time James talks to her, you try to distract him. Whenever he tries to sit next to her, you demand he sit next to you. You put little moving pictures of your face on her bikini and when he tried to get her on his team for football you picked her first for the pick." Marlene countered. "I've tried to wait for you to get this out of your system, but you clearly aren't going to stop any time soon."

Sirius shrugged innocently, "Don't you think you're being a _tad_ overdramatic about this?"

"Listen," She said her tone turning serious. "My cousin just got married to and my grandmother is on me to get married to a pureblood. I'm going to crazy Sirius…I need an outlet and I've chosen my best friends."

"I'm not saying I don't agree with you. I'm just saying you're mad."

Marlene tutted him, "Not really what you should be saying if you are trying to convince me to release you."

"You are going to release me because you are Marlene McKinnon and you always do the right thing. Even if it's at personal sacrifice."

"Eh, overrated." She shrugged her shoulders, "I'd rather play matchmaker and torture you."

Sirius tried to stand, but she just pushed him back down. "Come on, McKinnon."

"Come on what? You'll just go and warn Lily. I need her to be unsuspecting." Marlene patted him on the head mockingly. "You stay here like a good boy."

Before he could stop her she shut the door and locked it.

Marlene may not have known Esmee long, but one thing she did know was that though Marlene had asked Esmee to get Remus or Dorcas, she wouldn't. It was simply the fact that she preferred to stay out of things that were not her business. So therefore Marlene went looking for her two accomplices. Cas and Everett had gone for a bike ride up to town an hour earlier, so they were already counted out. And as much as The Potter had hinted at the possibility that James and Lily coud be dating the entire week, Marlene very much doubted Mr. and Mrs. Potter would help her plot this out.

She had tried really hard to give the atmosphere to just talk to each other and fade into the relationship Marlene was absolutely positive they both wanted. If she honestly could see either of them with anyone else, she wouldn't push it this hard. What she really wanted was for someone to fight for them like no one had ever fought for her.

When Marlene moved to knock on Remus's room door she stopped when saw it was already ajar.

Dorcas was lying in Remus's arms, they were both fully awake, but they were just resting there not doing anything. They weren't even looking at each other or even talking, they were just holding each other. Both of them still were wearing their beachwear, he was shirtless with swim trunks; she was in the purple bikini she had bought with Lily the week before. His arms were circled around her tan mid section, and her minuscule arms were hugging his right arm, as she laid her tiny head back against his chest.

Marlene slowly backed out of the room, with a big smile on her face. This was a perfect example of what could come of impossible circumstances. There was just a fleeting moment between Dorcas and Remus months before, but Marlene had seen it and immediately thought they should be together. Now Remus wasn't constantly terrified of what Dorcas thought of him and Dorcas didn't assume at all times that he was going to leave her.

They just…_fit_.

Marlene floated into James's room and saw he had gotten out of the shower fairly recently by the state of his hair. "Hey."

"What's up Mar?" He asked sitting down on the edge of his bed. "The sun just dropped, so I'm about to set up a bonfire."

"You know I heard Lily say she fancied a walk down the beach."

He laughed at her. "Oh she did, did she?"

"Well I'm sure," Marlene began with a smirk as she sat down next to him. "If a strapping young man such as yourself asked her she wouldn't mind going."

"She won't. She'll think go for a walk with just me."

"I'm sure she will if you say Sirius and I might come."

"You want me to lie to Lily?"

"It's not a lie." Marlene answered immediately, "We could show up, you don't know."

James smiled, his glasses slipping down his nose. "You're lucky you're cute Mar."

"I'm adorable and you love me." She bumped him.

"I guess so."

"No!" Marlene giggled knocking him over, "You know so!"

James grinned when she drop all of her weight on top of him. "What are you doing?"

"I'm convincing you to see things my way but suffocating you."

His face was smashed into his pillow, but he still could have very easily gotten her off of him. "I'll tell you what I'll ask her tomorrow. I _promised_ my parents I'd bonfire it tonight."

"Deal."

* * *

"Mate…Prongs!"

James shook his head and looked at Sirius in confusion. "Did you say something?"

Sirius's forehead crinkled together as he nodded, "We have to get to class."

James straightened his robes, stood up from the breakfast and followed Sirius out of the Great Hall. "Sorry. I was just ...out of it."

"What were you thinking about?" Sirius asked him, climbing up the staircase effortless.

Shrugging, James scratched his stubble. "Nothing really."

"Mate, you _need_ to cheer up. You are a king of the school," Sirius lectured his friend, while tossing his arm over his shoulder. "This is our last year! We will never have to listen to these boring hags again!"

James snorted, "I'd love for you to call McGonagall a hag to her face."

"I was talking about Slughorn actually."

"That makes more sense. You love McGonagall."

Sirius nodded with an affectionate grin. "I don't terrorize just anybody."

"That is true, you tend to harness your energy into one soul focus."

"I'm not multitalented like you are Prongs. Did you hear about Moony and Meadowes?"

"What about them?"

Sirius started snickering into himself. "They synced up."

James laughed at the expression on deliriously amused expression on Sirius's face. "What do you mean?"

"I mean the full moon two days from now, and it's her lady time."

"No. _No way_…" James gaped in delight. "Are they killing each other?"

Sirius shook his head, "That's the funny thing. They both are completely exhausted. Meadowes is in the hospital wing with him for his check up and they looked like they were about to go for a nice long nap."

"Well at least they aren't ripping each other apart. I thought she was going to kill him. Although I loved when she punched you in the throat the last time…" James stopped, doubling over in laughter. "You couldn't breathe for like three minutes."

"Not as bad as when she went for my balls…" Sirius winced uncomfortably, while navigating through the clumps of people filling the coridoor.

James smirked. "I think you cried a bit."

"I didn't, but that's the closest I could have been to it."

Turning into the classroom, James's eyes flickered over to the corner of the room, his neck strained and his face twitched as he forced himself not to look over. Sirius noticed, but didn't say anything. Lily wasn't looking, but the minute they sat down he saw her crestfallen face peer over at them. He smiled at her and she smiled back, but he couldn't help but feel sorry for her. Sure she had pushed James away, but it wasn't to hurt him, it was because she believed with every fiber of her being that being with him would get him killed.

Sirius normally didn't have much of an opinion when it came to relationships or love. If there was one thing he was honest with himself about it would be that he had no idea what he was talking about when it came to that. From what he had seen from his friends he did have an idea what truly loving someone meant. He could see from the stricken look on her face, that it was killing Lily not to be friends with James, but even before that when they were on good terms, he could tell it hurt her to pull back from him. She wanted to be with him, she just didn't want that to cause him any pain. And from everything Marlene had always voiced about love it meant sacrificing your happiness for someone else. Wasn't that what Lily had been trying to do? Bad methods, horrible execution, but her intentions were honorable and in the end that didn't matter.

James purposefully turned his chair away from Lily and said to Sirius, "My first prefect meeting is tomorrow."

"…_And_?"

"I'm not really sure _what I do_. The _HeadGirl_ did all the talking at the last meeting."

Sirius's eyebrows rose by the coldness in James's tone, but he didn't say anything. "What are you supposed to do anyway? Just tell people off for shagging in the broom closets or something?"

"And you think that because that's all they've done to you."

"I mean…" Sirius shrugged with a lazy smirk. "I've just always been a very busy person. I can't help it if I'm a valuable asset to this school."

James chuckled, "Yeah yeah, did Francesko Francesco tell you that?"

"I will NOT let you scorn the gallant and noble Italian gentleman that is Francesko Francesco. He is an ambassador, an art enthusiast-"

"I thought he was a billionaire or something."

Sirius's voice lowered into a hushed whisper, "…_He is all of the things._"

"You're lucky I'm friends with you."

"Psh," Sirius pushed him playfully, "It would be a crime to keep me away from you. Who would corrupt what good work your parents have done if I hadn't come along?"

James gave her a look. "You're something else."

"That's what the ladies tell me." Sirius proclaimed, placing his hands behind his head.

James didn't respond, he just laughed and leaned back in his seat.

Absentmindedly he opened his pocket watch to check, but as soon as he did he immediately slipped it back into his pocket as if it had burned him. Scowling, James tapped the side of his hand on his desk. He thought to start talking to Sirius again, but then he couldn't think of anything to talk about so he just waited for McGonagall to walk in. Against his best efforts, his mind drifted to the one thing he had been doing everything he could to avoid thinking about.

* * *

**Day 6 of Vacation**

James paused outside of Lily's door anxiously scratching the back of his neck. He could lie to Marlene and tell her Lily said no, but he knew she would ask her. The problem was he could hear Sirius inside talking to Lily and he didn't want to interrupt just to ask her to go for a walk because Lily would ask Sirius to go with them. So he waited for Sirius to leave since Sirius never really lingered in other people's rooms that long unless it was one of the boys.

He was about to leave and come back later until he heard the door creak open.

"I'm not the one that cringes every time a boy hits on Marlene." Lily teased Sirius. James could see his hand leaning on the door.

"Well I'm not the one who is in love with James." Sirius shot at her darkly.

Lily threw a pillow at him viciously, he ducked and it flew through the doorway to hit the wall. "We _do not_ _talk_ about _that_. That doesn't happen and you don't know anything."

"Yeah yeah," Sirius waved her off, moving through the door and tossing the pillow back at her. "I'll see you later. I'm going to go see if Cas wants to head into town."

"Bye."

James fell back against the wall to avoid Sirius from seeing him. If Sirius had seen him standing there James wouldn't have had a single clue what he would say. Pure shock was etched into James's face, his heart was pounding in his chest and a smile burned across his face.

Lily loved him. _Lily Evans loved him._

* * *

Marlene rolled into class late with a grim expression on her face. "I'm already exhausted. We haven't even had our first class and I'm already exhausted, is that possible?"

"It is." Lily agreed rubbing Marlene's arm comfortingly. "What did Dumbledore have to say?"

"Nothing new. Just my grandmother being crazy and owling him all the damn time. That woman needs a hobby. Don't old people take up knitting? Why can't she do that? Huh?!"

"Why doesn't she worry about your older sisters? Mary is more than willing to marry someone she doesn't like."

Marlene ran a hand through her blond hair anxiously. "True, but that's not how she thinks. Since I'm the youngest she seems to think she will be able to bully me into this."

"Ridiculous."

"Oh believe me,_ I know_."

Lily smiled at her. "Stay strong goose."

"Merlin…" Marlene laughed, half-covering her face. "I should have never told you about that."

"No you really shouldn't have."

McGonagall closed her office door behind her and flicked her wand at the chalkboard to begin the lesson. Unlike some other professor's she didn't waste any time with a start of the year welcome or anything. She just jumped right into her lesson plan.

Lily took notes diligently; her lips tucked back, tendrils of hair falling into her face. Sometime into a foot of parchment an owl flew by the window distracting her. Her eyes followed its flight pattern and her eyes never really returned back to what she was doing.

* * *

Rubbing the sides of her goosebump lined arms, Lily's feet sunk into the damp sand, her feet over compensating to keep up with James's natural stride. She watched his hair flicker in the wind and couldn't stop from smiling. He caught her and before he could second-guess it he caught her hand and intertwined his fingers with it.

"What are you doing?" She asked softly a protest barely there in her voice.

"Walking." James smirked, looking down at her.

Lily shook her head, but it didn't stick given that she was still smiling. "You're incorrigible."

"I suppose I am."

A moment or two passed without either of them saying anything, but Lily began to get nervous feeling the heat of his hand jolt into hers.

"Did you hear about Alice's family?" Lily whispered suddenly just a little louder than the crashing waves.

He nodded, tucking his free hand into his jean pocket. "Have you talked to her?"

"I apparated back with Marlene for a bit to check on her and I owled her this morning. She didn't want a funeral so she just moved in with Frank and spread their ashes."

"Bloody shame. Her parents were nice people."

Lily agreed. "It's getting really bad out there."

"You're scared."

"We _saw him_ James. How can you not be afraid of him? Of what he intends to do?"

James stopped underneath the hollow of a dock. He circled around her, not letting go of her hand. "I am afraid. I'm scared shitless that you, my mum, dad, Sirius, Remus, Marlene, Dorcas and everyone I've ever cared about will die."

"Then why-?"

"Because if I do nothing all of you will die, just the same. I'd rather fight. Evil will never stop if we don't stop it. I _know_ you know that. I can see it in your eyes."

Lily glanced away, attempting to pull away from him. "James don't-"

"Don't what Lily?...Don't care? I can't._ I can't_."

"We should go back…The others will be looking for us soon…"

"Don't you realize?" He demanded searching her face. "We can't go back."

Her green eyes flickered up to his face recognizing what he meant. "James-"

"No Lily. No more avoiding it or lying. I know you're in love with me."

Lily bent her head, her eyes filling with tears. "I never said that."

"I heard you talking with Sirius. I know it's true. I know it is because you can't look at me, because you run from me any time it's even close to coming up."

"James please, please don't. We are friends-"

His hand grasped her face and he kissed her. His lips were rough on hers, but his hands were gentle along her face. She didn't fight him, but melted against him, clinging to his shirt. Once he pulled away, he didn't let her go.

"Tell me again." He pleaded, "Tell me you feel nothing. Tell me that your heart isn't pounding in your chest. Tell me you don't feel about me like I feel about you. Tell me Lily."

Her mouth opened, but nothing came out.

"See? You don't have to be afraid. I'm not going to run. I'm not going to leave. I'm right here waiting for you. I've always been waiting for you and I think you know that."

"You don't understand!" Lily said ripping away from him, pacing in front of him. "You will die! I will be the cause of your death! Don't you get that?"

James said, "If I'm going to die I will do so with or without you."

"But…" She began, running out of excuses. She closed her eyes, gritting her teeth as she said, "No…Just no. We are friends. We are just friends. That's all we can ever be-"

"WE ARE MORE THAN THAT!" James roared furiously. "I can't just ignore this! I can't lie to myself like you can!"

"What do you want from me?" She groaned gripping her hair.

He moved close to her, his voice unsteady, but his gaze never wavering. "Just you. _I want you_."

"I…I…I CAN'T LOSE ANYONE ELSE!" She stammered.

James's face didn't have a trace of tears on it, but the rings around his eyes were red and his mouth was ajar. He tried to see if there was any sign of compromise on her face, but there was none.

"You really think that don't you?"

"Yes and _I can't lose you!"_

"That's the bitch of it Lily. You've pushed me away so far this time. I can't even see you anymore. I can't even get through to you…" He looked her dead in the eye. "You've already lost me."

"James, come on. Don't be like this."

He wouldn't look at her, his body was oddly still. "I'm going back."

"James," She grabbed his arm, "Don't-"

James looked at her and for the first time in a long time Lily honestly wished he hadn't. He said in rough tone, "Let go of me Evans."

Lily's grip slackened and he strutted past her. She turned around and called, "James!"

But he didn't turn around, he didn't even pause.

* * *

"Ms. Evans!" McGonagall yelled, her sharp eyes rounding on Lily.

Lily jumped, her eyes wide in surprise. "Er…Yes Professor?"

"What did I just say?"

Gulping, her hand went to her red hair. "Um…"

"Ms. Evans, I don't know what is so interesting about the sky, but I suggest you pay attention."

Sinking into her seat, Lily blushed in humiliation, "Yes Professor."


	54. Alone Together

_You cut me off, I lost my track_  
_It's not my fault, I'm a maniac_  
_It's not funny anymore, no it's not_

**-Fall Out Boy-**

* * *

She hadn't gone swimming since the cabin, but moving through the September heat, her body was soaked in sweat. Lily felt like she just dove straight into the ocean and not remotely in a refreshing way.

"Okay…Okay." Lily panted making a motion to stop Marlene. "I should not have …How could I thought…fuck."

Marlene jogged around her to keep up her pace. "What is it?"

"Are you a fucking…tri-athlete?"

Chuckling, Marlene kept moving. "Lily …we haven't even gone a mile."

"Christ," Lily held her sides, her hair frizzing at the edges of her hairline. "How…" She took a second to collect her breath many are we supposed to go?"

"I was going to take it easy on you and go only three."

Lily eyebrows crunched together, her mouth opening in outrage. "…How many do you usually do?!"

"Depends. Start of the season only 5k, Mid-season 10k and by the end 13k."

"…What is _wrong with you?"_

"Of all people," Marlene began halting condescendingly. "You shouldn't be asking anyone that."

"DEAR GOD!" Lily groaned propelling herself forward, "Why is this a thing? I fucked up! I pushed him too hard. It's over. Let's let it go! Now James can move on!"

Marlene kept up with her easily, giving the smaller girl a look. "Okay now you are completely delusional. At first you were just mad about you, but now it's spreading to other people."

"He said," Lily wheezed, "He was done, and…then he walked away."

"Oh come on! You think he's honestly done? After everything?"

"He…can do better Marlene. He can live a better life."

Marlene threw up her hands. "I WANT TO _SHAKE YOU!_"

"I'm not convinced that he would have charged up to Voldemort if it weren't for me!" Lily said shakily. "And not you or anyone else will convince me otherwise!"

"You are upset!"

"I'm fine!" Lily insisted, dodging a low tree branch. "I'll admit Head meetings are awkward, but I'm fine."

"But James said you love him."

Lily gulped, ignoring her friend's hard expression. "I never told him that."

"But you do! You need him! It's not wrong to need someone!"

"I DON'T need him! Not at all! And he doesn't need me! We just have... _feelings_ and they will go away and we will both do what we are supposed to do."

Marlene looked like she was about to rip out her hair. "I just…I'm not going to talk to you about this, because I'm going to get angry, and then you will get thrown-"

"You can't lift me."

"Dude, I can lift Sirius." Marlene shot back with a scoff. "The point is at some point you will have to face it. This isn't going to just go away."

Lily said, "Why? You and Sirius got over your shit. Why can't we be the same?"

Marlene's expression stiffened. "That's different. We _are_ different."

"How? You love each other, it's clearly there and you know it will never work so you walked away because you believed it was the smart decision."

"…It didn't happen like that Lily. I gave him a chance, he could have asked me to stay and he didn't take it."

Lily slowed down her pace, her breathing heavy again. "Which is what I'm doing."

"But the difference is that you and James are at the same level. Sirius is not an adult, not yet. He needs time to grow up. I don't, I'm already there. I need someone that can handle things and not just run at the first sign of responsibility."

Marlene's voice caught as they both slowed down to the point where they weren't running anymore. "You don't think it kills me to sit next to him sometimes? To see him flirt with other girls like I don't exist?... It does, but I get through it because I know right now we aren't good for each other and there's nothing I can do about that."

"Would you ever date him again? Like in ten years or something? After he grows up a bit?"

Marlene shrugged, "I guess with him I can never say never."

Lily frowned somberly, her eyes downcast. "I just…I just can't risk it Mar. I can't risk being with him only to watch him die…I have nightmares Mar…I see him dying all the time and I just it's not the worth the risk."

Marlene glanced at her and then finally got a look of understanding on her face. "It's okay, you're just not _there."_

"What do you mean?" Lily asked softly, confusion apparent on her face.

Marlene looked around and then sighed, her expression heavy. "Did I ever tell you that Mr. Black came to the Potter's to get his son back?"

"…He did?"

"It wasn't what you're thinking," Marlene said in an uncharacteristically dark tone. "He didn't want Sirius to shame the house of Black."

Lily's face filled with disgust and outrage. "_What is wrong with his family?_ How can they treat their son like that?"

"I don't know." Marlene said honestly, "But when he went to go after Sirius, James had gone to get his parents and I was the only one there…"

A breeze came through the forest and the sun peeked through the massive tree's Lily's eyes centered on Marlene's face. She hadn't seen Marlene look like this since her mother died. Her bright hair cradled around her face and her features were pinched together in a somberness that forced Lily to focus despite the aches growing in her abdomen.

"Sirius's father came at him-" Marlene paused to explain, "I'm telling you this because I have a reason. This is not for everyone to know."

Lily nodded.

"And," Marlene laughed at herself, though her face was stricken, "I didn't even think about it. I got in between them…I tried to stop him from hurting him, but not like a normal situation. If someone was dueling Peter I would try to take them out or save him, but this was different…I was literally defenseless,_ I had nothing_, I was still completely young… And still _I didn't hesitate_, I put myself between them, because I loved Sirius more than I loved myself and I didn't realize that until much later."

Not sure what to say Lily stay silent.

"See you can love a lot of people Lily. You may be in love with five men in your entire life, but this is a different thing. You are literally sacrificing yourself for them, because you are admitting that, this person is more important to you than you are to yourself…And I've never felt that way about anyone that wasn't family before. I like to think I would, because I'd like to think I'm selfless, but when it comes down to it I would hesitate because… I'm human."

"…How long ago was that?" Lily asked carefully.

"A year ago, right before when I visited you for the summer…" Marlene mumbled. "But what I'm getting at is that maybe James honestly isn't that person for you, but you are one of those people for him…Someday though you'll understand that feeling I'm describing though regardless. It will jolt through you and you'll realize that there's nothing you wouldn't do for that person."

"I…Well I mean obviously I feel that way about you and Dora."

Marlene shifted, "I think you would go through a lot for us, don't get me wrong, but giving up your life is a completely different thing…and that doesn't make us any less close!" She insisted seeing the expression on Lily's face, "That just means you haven't been put in that circumstance and been forced to know, which is good."

"I guess so…" Lily cringed, "Is it horrible that I wouldn't for my sister?"

"No…I wouldn't for my eldest sister." Marlene admitted with a guilty expression. "She married a horrible man and only talks to me to insult our family…I'm not saying I'd leave her to die somewhere. I'm just saying if it was between me and her… I wouldn't exactly jump to pick her."

Lily said, "No. I see what you are saying. That makes sense."

"Come on," Marlene smiled at her, "Let's walk back before you get a heat stroke."

"I've had that happen before actually…I woke up beside my bike with my sister shouting to everyone that would listen that I was dying. It was a lovely ninth birthday…"

"It sounds down right delightful." Marlene laughed.

Lily grinned. "It was…Hey when are tryouts? They should be coming up soon right?"

"They are tomorrow."

"…James is on the schedule for tomorrow."

"Yeah, I know. Sirius and I are running it." Marlene said casually. "We know what he's looking for. He just needs to be there for practice to fix the problems we might have."

"Are you okay with that?"

Marlene said, "Being with Sirius or leading tryouts?"

"Both I guess."

"Sirius is going to be in my life no matter what I do. There's no avoiding that and I essentially do this anyway for tryouts. I just have some tips from James."

"Have you ever thought of being captain?"

"I'd never want it." Marlene admitted looking uncomfortable at the thought. "I like being in control, but I wouldn't want to be in the spotlight like he is and he's much better under pressure than I am."

Lily sighed, "I suppose so."

"Come on," Marlene nudged her with a smirk. "I'll race ya!"

"Damn it Mar! …It's not a race with you!" Lily cried out trying to catch up to Marlene, but not even coming close to doing so."

* * *

"Okay so we are NOT, going to tell Lily," Dorcas drilled into Cas putting her arm around her shoulders. "Right Cas? Tell me you won't tell her."

Cas rolled her dark brown almost black eyes. "Why would I tell the HeadGirl we are throwing a seventh year party after curfew? That's like suicide…I've heard stories about her rage."

"It's not that bad." Dorcas scoffed dismissively. "I honestly don't get what the fuss is about…I think Remus is mostly afraid of her and that makes everyone think there's something to that for some reason. I don't get it personally. If you push her once she falls clear over."

"Then why-"

Dorcas looked at her. "Well now that you're a Hufflepuff and have that whole moral code shit-"

Cas snorted. "Dude, I was sorted two weeks ago and you keep acting like I had to give a blood pledge or something to get into the house."

"I don't know what you badgers do!" Dorcas raised her hands in innocence. "For all I know, you put your hand on a book and promise never to tell a lie."

"Like court?"

Dorcas shrugged with a smirk. "Yes."

"Mental you are." Cas scoffed.

"I'm well aware of that."

"I'll tell the Hufflepuff's," Cas told her flippantly, "Everett will tell the Ravenclaw's. What else do you need?"

Dorcas leaned against the stonewall with a pensive expression. "Just the decorations I think. I'm getting Remus and Sirius to get the booze and Mar's going to get the food with Peter tomorrow after Quidditch tryouts."

"Then we should be good to go."

"You gonna bring a date? Huh? Huh?" Dorcas teased her, walking with her down the empty fifth floor corridor. "You know I did see a few seventh year Slytherin boys checking you out the other day."

"Not really my type," Cas said, splitting away from her with a wide smirk. "But we'll see. Maybe _someone_ will catch my interest."

Dorcas pointed after her, "If you need any help I have no problem throwing you at people! It's my party and I will slut you up if I have to!"

"Yeah, that's heartwarming!" Cas shouted back strutting away.

"Everybody will be getting trashed." Dorcas cackled mischievously to herself before racing off to coordinate a few more details before she would spend the rest of the night studying with Lily.

* * *

James finished writing a letter to his father and sat by the fire for a few minutes before Peter arrived. He hadn't spoken to his father in a minute, he was busy with work, but maybe his mother would be able to drag him away for the first game of the season.

It was draining for him the past few days. He didn't expect avoiding Lily and stopping pranking would take this much out of him, but he was having trouble concentrating on all of the things he had going on. When he was younger he was used to taking charge of things. None of the other kids ever wanted to say what they were doing, so even when he wasn't tall enough to reach the cookie jar, he felt the need to just call the shots. It had always felt natural for him, but now it was beginning to strain him.

When he was offered the job from Dumbledore, he was so shocked that he just said yes. He didn't really give time to think about it. Sure it was nice to have his own room and have extra privileges, but now people were constantly asking him questions and they genuinely expected him to have the answers. Most of the time he would but occasionally a first year would catch him off guard and he would just be at a loss for words.

He blamed his father. James had always seen his father in control and with everything handled. He had come too late in his parent's life to see them struggle, to see them fight to get to the point where they were comfortable and at ease. The difference between his parents was probably the fact that he would hear his mother complaining about things from work, but his father never would. Only recently did he even have an idea that something possibly could be going astray and how could anyone not see that?

It was just that he missed his parents and without them he was beginning to feel a little lost. Of course he was being dramatic. He could talk to them in the fire if he really fancied a chat…James just didn't want to bother them and wished that he were adult enough to handle his own problems.

"Mate?" Peter called, walking through the door, "You ready?"

"Yeah," James smiled at him, tying the letter to his owl's leg and letting her go. "Let's get some ice cream from the kitchens."

Peter mocked him, "Are you sure you can stay out late?"

"Oh sod off! It's not curfew yet."

"I never thought I'd see the day." Peter muttered eyeing James while they walked out.

"What?" James asked scratching his growing facial hair.

"The day James Potter grows up."

James snorted. "You keep talking like that I'm going to make you serve detention for a week."

"There we go." Peter said with a small smile.

After getting ice cream, they walked around for a bit, the air around him getting more serious the longer they shuffled in silence. Peter finished his strawberry ice cream quickly, but James took a mint to finish his mint cookie dough.

When he did, James threw it away and glanced at Peter unsurely, "So how are you doing Pete?"

"I'm okay."

"...Really?"

"I'm doing the best I can Prongs." Peter shrugged, looking in the distance.

When they started climbing the stairs to the astronomy tower, James started scolding students who were snogging and doing more inappropriate things in the tower. The whole time Peter stood back silently and watched his friend do and act in a way he never expected him to. He'd always thought at the end of the day

"Thanks for asking…" Peter mumbled, "Earlier…After why I said to you in the summer-"

"Forget it. You were upset. I would have said worse." James told him.

Pete said, "How can you be okay with what I said?"

"You're one of my best friends Pete. That exempts you from everything."

"I guess so."

James nudged him and grinned, "It's true."

Neither were saying it, but they both thought of where Sirius and Remus were. James knew they were off planning a prank, which was why James had roped Peter into hanging out with him. In reality he did need an alibi, but mostly he just wanted someone with him so he didn't have to think of the fact that for the first time every he wasn't able to participate in a prank.

"Marauder's forever mate." James said quietly, his face full of a passion that hadn't been there minutes before.

That's the thing you don't expect. You never know who your real friends are going to be until you've got them and then you have a choice. Do you let yourself love these people? Do you let them in so far that you can't see the world without them in it? Or do you protect yourself and save your own sanity and heart?

Peter looked at James, saw his hair flickering in the wind, a light smile on his face and he wavered for a moment. It was a brief moment, where he let himself believe that maybe if he just put his faith in his friends he would survive this. That they and they alone could fight off any and all people that would stand in their way. It didn't matter that they were young, careless and naïve, because the power of their convictions and the strength of their loyalty would be enough to get them through.

But no matter how hard he tried, and what he told himself, he couldn't erase the image of Heather wouldn't escape him.

She was good and she was honest and they killed her. They didn't stop and ask what her blood status was when they did it. They simply slaughtered the masses and gained more and more power by the day. It didn't matter what he did. It didn't matter what any of them did. They were going to lose. All of them were going to die and any effort to stop them was pointless.

Peter would take his friends and flee, but he knew they would never go. They would fight to the death and call it heroic when Peter called it ludicrous. Why give their lives for a cause they were never going to win? Why believe that they, common 17 year olds were capable of changing anything? He used to believe that one person could change the course of fate if they just did the right thing, but he no longer saw right or wrong. All he saw now was survival and what he would have to do to make it.

"We better go in, nearly curfew." James told him clapping a hand on Pete's shoulder. "Come on Wormtail."

Peter took one last look at the grounds and nodded, "You're right. It's time."


	55. Tonight is The Night

_See I was scared to admit,_  
_That failing was in the back of my head._  
_Comes a point when lying no longer works_  
**-Outasight-**

* * *

James lay back on his bed, his curtains were closed and he was only in his boxers. At some point he was going to have to get up and do his Head Boy duties, but he needed a minute. His chest was heavy, as were his eyelids from lack of sleep. He had received the news late the night before but there was nothing he could do about it. They weren't having a funeral because it had been written in their wills that they didn't want one, but James couldn't forget how small her daughter Anna had been. He could remember receiving an owl when she was born. The feeling of holding Anna in his arms during his birthday dinner haunted him.

It was suffocating to think he'd never see Anna grow up and would never see Amy again. What kind of monster would kill an innocent child and woman simply because they didn't agree with the bigoted pureblood agenda? Their house was destroyed and Amy's husband was killed last. James couldn't imagine how awful that would be. It was one thing to sacrifice yourself for your family because then you could trick yourself into believing they might survive. But to walk in and see that the worst has already happened…James would rather die before seeing a family member hurt before him.

"You two just don't like each other because you are exactly the same."

"I don't mind her. She's a bit annoying, but she's alright…Besides, I don't think anyone really is like me."

James put all of his weight on his arms. "You aren't really that unique mate. Just a pretty face, really."

"As long as you admit that it's a pretty face." Sirius winked at him, gripping the doorway. His expression fell for a bit and he bit his bottom lip. "You're okay though right? ...Honestly?"

"I'll be okay. I wish it didn't happen…but I'll be okay."

"If you need anything…"

James nodded, rubbing his worn face.

"Alright mate. I'll see you later. Call me in the mirror if you need me."

"Will do." James replied.

Once Sirius left his room, James forced himself to get up and get changed. A heaviness hung on his shoulders while he moved but he didn't think about it. His morning patrol had been quick, but he'd just taken a shower and stayed down. Before his night patrol he would have to go and check on his parents, but until then he was determined to ignore the depression that was creeping up on him.

One positive thing about being Head Boy was that, despite the fact that all of his friends had the password to his common room, he didn't have a share a room with anyone. He could wake up when he wished to and shower whenever he wanted. Hell, he could stay in his room all day and do nothing and no one could stop him. Even if he chose not to use this freedom, it still gave him a small sense of comfort.

* * *

Dorcas did a lot of strange things; Lily had grown used to this, but even she was beginning to get suspicious. Every time Lily tried to make plans with anyone in their year, Dorcas would find a way to block it. At first she thought she was crazy but when she had been given the opportunity to tutor a fifth year, Dorcas came out of nowhere and said that Lily would be happy to do it.

And it wasn't that Lily minded tutoring someone, it was that Dorcas clearly had an alternative agenda. Asking Marlene was useless, she would just shrug and look away as though Lily hadn't asked anything at all. Lily even considered asking Remus what was going on, but she had a feeling that if Marlene wasn't going to say anything then Remus wouldn't either. So she played along and acted as if she had no idea that Dorcas was doing something.

She went to her tutoring session and when Dorcas came by looking for James, (at that point Lily remembered that Dorcas had asked a day earlier when he patrolled) Lily put on her most convincing smile and said, "Oh I think I'm going to call it an early night."

"Okay! Well I'll see you tomorrow then."

Lily nodded, and as soon as Dorcas left, she followed her.

Knowing that she wasn't the sneakiest girl, Lily cast an invisibility charm on herself and wore her quietest shoes. It was a little cold outside despite it being early October so she wore black jeans, a black t-shirt and tied her hair back. As she followed Dorcas, Lily noticed that Dorcas kept looking back to see if anyone was following her but never actually stopped. Just as Lily was about to think she was heading towards the Gryffindor common room, Dorcas changed directions. Finally she stopped in front of a large brick wall. Lily's eyebrows puckered in confusion.

It was then that the wall shifted into a doorway and Dorcas walked through it and Lily finally understood where she was headed- the Room of Requirement. The problem was that the last time she'd been there she had followed the others in and so didn't actually know how to get in herself. She'd heard a lot of things about the castle but she had never been one to investigate. No, Lily was the type to just let things be and not start any trouble if she could help it. But now she was Head Girl and it was literally in her job description to go looking for trouble in order to stop it.

So she ignored the discomfort she felt at the prospect of confronting her friend, squared her shoulders and went towards the wall. Dorcas hadn't said anything or used her wand so it couldn't be an incantation or a spell…

Lily brushed the tips over her fingers to her lips trying to figure out how to get.

"I just want to find out what Dorcas is doing." she said, after thinking it a few times. After her words, a small and Lily-sized door appeared. "Huh…that was easy."

Strutting inside, Lily was hit by the sounds of loud music, kids shouting and alcohol. There were at least thirty people standing around a room the size of two common rooms. Most of them had a drink in their hands, some were dancing on the sectioned off dance floor, others were talking by the food table and a few were talking on the couches. Taking off the spell, she crossed her arms and considered what her next move ought to be. She could give the entire room detention and force them back to their dorms. She could take the whole lot of them up the Headmaster's office where the ones who were drinking could be suspended even if they were of age for drinking on school grounds.

All of this wouldn't directly affect Lily either, but what if they were caught by a teacher? What if someone got hurt or someone even died? No one would believe that Lily hadn't known about this party then. She would lose her badge; and this job she had worked her arse off to get could be gone all because her stupid best friend wanted to have a good time. It was one hell of a position to be put in and right then, she wanted to murder Dorcas.

In a sick sort of calm, Lily pointed her wand to her throat and muttered a spell to make her voice louder. She then said, "Excuse me. May I have everyone's attention?"

"Oh…fuck!" Marlene swore as everyone else froze, their eyes wide in fear.

"What...THE HELL do you think you're doing?"

"…Non-ginger's club?" Dorcas offered lamely, standing on top of the alcohol table with a bottle of firewhiskey in her hand.

Lily opened her mouth, but Sirius rushed over and pulled her aside. "Carry on everyone!" Sirius gripped her shoulders, "Lil, calm down."

"Are you kidding me?!" Lily seethed. "What if something happened?! Do you understand that all of these people are my problem? That if they get alcohol poisoning or overdose it will be my fault because I'm supposed to make sure they are all in bed?!"

"Look," Dorcas began moving beside them. "Everyone is only allowed only a certain amount. We are watching everybody to make sure no one overdoes it and everyone will be out of here by 2."

"I'm livid you thought you could keep this from me. Do you think I'm stupid?!"

"No." Dorcas replied quickly, "I think you're overreacting. Nothing's happened. Everyone is fine-"

Lily's eyes narrowed on Dorcas. "For now-"

"Lily," Sirius said bringing her attention back to him. "Relax. There's death's happening all over. Everyone is scared, and Meadowes just thought a party might bring everyone together and loosen things up."

Sighing, she moved away from Sirius and rubbed her temples. "Promise me no one will get hurt."

"We promise." Sirius said giving her a salute. "Now why don't we get you a drink? You aren't on duty…and judging by the tension in your shoulders…I think you could use a shot."

Lily said, "I don't drink."

"Well…maybe now it's time you start." Sirius smiled down at her.

* * *

Ten minutes later, when Lily had finally calmed down and sipped on a drink Sirius had made, Dorcas approached her and began to speak: "Question, if you used an invisibility spell, why are you wearing all black?"

"I was going for stealth." Lily said bitterly.

"Are you going to be mad at me all night?" Dorcas said with a large sigh.

"Yes," Lily replied bluntly, before taking another sip of her drink.

"I'm sorry okay? I just thought everyone could use a bit of fun, and I didn't tell you because I knew you would shut it down and I didn't want you to be blamed."

"…Fine."

Dorcas made a face, placing a hand on her hip. "Come on…you know you love me."

"Whatever."

Dorcas had spent half an hour getting ready; her deep brown hair was perfectly curled framing her face. Her brown eyes were accented with silver eyeliner and she wore light pink lipstick. She was wearing a pair of grey shorts; heels and a top that was a little more revealing than something she'd usually wear.

That, however, didn't stop her from rubbing her face against Lily and kissing her cheeks repeatedly and sloppily. "COME ON! YOU LOVVVVVVE ME!"

Lily giggled and swatted her away, "Alright! ALRIGHT!"

"That's what I thought!" Dorcas said proudly.

"Slut." A dark haired girl in much less clothing said to Dorcas as she passed.

"How is that even an insult?" Dorcas shot at the girl, following after her.

Lily said, "Dora…it's not worth it..."

Dorcas didn't listen. She talked to the girl and after a few moments Lily distinctly heard her best friend added dryly, "What- I'm getting laid and you aren't, so really who's the one with a problem?"

"Is she getting laid?" Marlene snorted in amusement, popping up next to Lily.

Lily frowned, "You know I don't know, but I have a feeling the answer could go either way."

"I do appreciate that about her." Marlene said, "Always keeps us guessing."

"Well…well…well. What are you wearing?" Lily said noticing Marlene's tight blue mini skirt.

Marlene blushed, "Sod off. It's a party…Not everybody comes as a depressed poet…"

"I was going for stealth!" Lily scoffed, gesturing wildly.

"You look like you are going to a funeral."

"I hate you." Lily said without any conviction.

Marlene shook her head, "Let's dance!"

"I'm a horrible dancer…"

"Clearly that means you haven't had enough to drink." Sirius interjected, pushing her cup to her. "Come on Evans."

Lily considered it. "I probably shouldn't."

"You're right. You should probably keep it together." Marlene shrugged, finishing her own drink.

"Fuck it…" Lily drained her entire drink. "Let's do this."

* * *

An hour later, things had become a bit wild, but everything was still far from being out of control. As promised, Remus and even occasionally Sirius would police people and make sure they were staying within the lines. Although Sirius tended to get more involved in stopping people when they were drinking too much than when they were getting too handsy with each other.

Lily and Marlene were dancing together in the middle of the crowd; both of them had delirious smiles on their faces. In the corner of the room, Sirius was seducing a 5th year who had snuck in, while Peter was talking to Esmee on one of the couches about her favorite television show. She was talking a million miles a minute, her face full of excitement. Dorcas, on the other hand, was dancing on the empty food table by herself. Remus spotted her and moved over to her.

"You having fun?"

"YEP!" Dorcas announced.

"Are you going to get down?" Remus asked, trying to hide his smile.

Dorcas peered down, her body bent to look at him. "Are you going to make me?"

A grin widened across his tan face, his hand anchoring to her hips. "Was that a challenge?"

"I believe it was," She shot back with a giggle.

He was about to move away, but Dorcas grabbed his collar and kissed him hard.

He shivered visibly, and his hands slipped from her hips to her arse. Dorcas locked her arms around his neck, her eyes closed tight while she pressed herself against him. Neither of them seemed to remember or care that other people were around. In a quick motion, Remus lifted her up and Dorcas hiked her legs around his waist.

Remus stopped kissing her, resting his forehead against hers. "If I don't stop. I'm not going to be able to."

Dorcas whined a bit. "Who says I want you to?"

Laughing, he gently unhooked her legs from around his waist. "We are in public."

"One of these days, Remus Lupin," She said in a low voice, tracing his exposed collarbone.

He lowered his lips to her ear. "If I was planning on making you scream my name …I'd chose a much different venue."

"My my my, Remus Lupin." She said, her face flushing. "I think we should head back to the common room."

Dorcas grabbed Remus's hand and they left the party.

Sirius stumbled over to Lily shirtless, wearing several lipstick stains on his chest and abs. He sat down next to Lily with a wide smirk.

"I had a delightful evening."

Sirius looked over and saw Lily laughing which made him burst out laughing as well because when Lily laughed she did this weird thing where she'd toss back her hair, grip the bottom of the cushion and roll to the side of her chair. It was like she was a boat rocking back and forth with delight and now that she had alcohol in her system it just grew more rapid. Sirius just couldn't even keep a straight face when she did that.

"You having a good time Lils?"

"Yep!" She nodded much slower than usual. "Hey! Want to dance?"

Sirius rubbed his face, shook his head and then stood up. "Sure."

Lily took his hand and he swung her around the dance floor. "You're reallllllly good at this!"

"When will you learn?" He twirled her effortlessly, "I'm good at everything."

"No you aren't. No one is good at everything." Lily said placing her hand on his bare shoulder.

Sirius said making a ridiculous face, "Which is why I'm such a catch Lily. It's a curse really…"

"Which one of these girls are you shagging now?" Lily asked cheerfully.

"All of them."

"Ha!" she laughed and pushed him, "You big slut, you."

Sirius said, "Lily, how much did Meadowes let you have?"

"Let me? I'm an adult." she insisted, her eyes closing in the middle of her speech.

"Ah huh…So are you at that drunk honesty stage yet?"

Lily frowned. "I'm always honest."

"You always think you are, but you aren't…" Sirius's eyes zeroed in on a two people dancing, before looking forcibly in the exact opposite direction.

"Why don't you go cut in?" Lily asked him lightly.

"The same reason you broke James's heart." he replied quietly. "It's just the way it has to be."

Lily looked around for a few minutes and saw James was nowhere to be found. She knew he was on duty, but as soon as she had accepted that the party was happening she'd kind of hoped he'd show up. It wasn't so she could talk to him, as Lily knew he wasn't in the mood to talk to her. It was more that with Sirius here, she knew he'd have a good time and he could use that. Lately she'd noticed circles growing under his eyes and Marlene had told Lily about what had happened to his cousin and her family and Lily was worried. All day she had tried not to think about him, but every time his name was mentioned or she thought she saw him her chest tightened. It wasn't something she'd ever felt or understood how to feel. It was as if she was tied to him and even though she wasn't with him or even speaking to him, she felt connected to him even if it was unreturned.

She had been honest when she'd said she hadn't had too much to drink, Sirius was right though- she needed to talk about what had been bothering her, which also happened to be the thing she didn't even want to think about. It was odd, but Lily felt that Sirius was the only one who might understand. Marlene wanted Lily with James and she would never see anything past that. Dorcas would tell her to go for it or let it go; no in between, no room for argument. Sirius, on the other hand, understood perfectly and Lily at this moment, in this state, felt if she could never be honest with herself maybe she could be honest with him.

"…What if it doesn't?"

"What?" He asked, his face turning back to hers.

Lily's heart trembled, but she said it anyway. "What if …it doesn't have to be this way?"

"What do you mean?"

"What if we're wrong?" Lily wanted to know. "What if…we say and do all these things to keep them safe…We think what we are doing is right. What if we're wrong?... What if they will get hurt anyway?"

Sirius furrowed his eyebrows, puzzled. "I don't know."

"I think that you and Marlene would be perfect together. You just aren't ready for it yet, but that doesn't mean you can't get there."

"…And you and James?"

"I don't know. I want him safe. I want him happy." She said honesty, panic creeping onto her face. "I…I shouldn't be talking like this… but I'm just... I feel like I'm always wrong."

"You aren't always wrong..." Sirius said uncomfortably.

"Then what do I do? I don't…I don't want him hurt. I…" Lily's looked around and then said, "I love him."

He blinked, not in surprise, but in astonishment. "I know…but I never thought I'd hear you admit it out right."

"Well it's stupid of me to act like it's not there…" Lily's eyes unfocused and she went on. "Every morning I leave a little later than I need to, just to see him leave…I just need to see he's okay. I don't let him see me. I just hang around for a bit."

Sirius looked at her attentively.

"I know it's stupid and I know Dorcas would tell me that I've made my decision so I should let go and move on- but what if I can't? What if I can't let go of him?"

Softly and hesitantly he said, "Then…I think that means you're not supposed to."

Lily's eyebrows furrowed together forming a crinkle in her forehead.

There were so many things she wanted to say, to finally get off her chest, but she didn't. Instead she danced with Sirius for a bit before handing him off to someone else and telling Remus it was time to shut down the party.


	56. I Almost Do

_I bet you think I either moved on or hate you_  
_'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply._  
_I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say "Hello" to you_  
_And risk another goodbye._  
**-Taylor Swift-**

* * *

"Mr. Potter?" McGonagall addressed him softly, "If you could please come with me, you are needed the Headmaster's office.

"Alright," He said hesitantly sending Dorcas an anxious look. James stood up and whispered in her ear. "I'm so screwed!" Before trailing behind McGonagall with a distressed look on his face.

* * *

_**24 Hours Earlier….**_

"You _have_ to be shitting me." Dorcas gasped at Esmee.

Esmee snorted, running a hand through her choppy sleek black hair. "I'm not."

"How did you let your sister go her whole life without waking up with her face in a toilet?" Dorcas asked Cas. "Isn't that in the sibling handbook or something?"

"And that's why you aren't allowed to have siblings." Marlene said with a hint of smile.

"After the game tonight," Dorcas pointed to Cas and Marlene, "We are getting Esmee fucked up."

"You are still on thin ice with Lily for the party. Do you really want to test her?"

Dorcas scowled at the memory. "Look, it wasn't like I could invite her. I was trying to give an alibi."

"That doesn't change how pissed she's going to be."

She groaned, her thin eyebrows puckering together in deep thought. "Okay, last time she was pissed because A) She caught us. B) I was really obvious."

"How do you plan on fixing those things?"

"Well if we leave during the game…"

"Then I'm out." Marlene pointed out. "And Esmee and Cas probably want to watch their brother get his arse kicked."

Cas gave Marlene a look, leaning back in her chair. "Watch it McKinnon. I might think you are under the delusion that Gryffindor is going to win."

"You are a _Huffle-puff!_" Marlene scoffed tossing her arms up in the air.

"Yeah I still support Ravenclaw over Gryffindor."

Esmee hushed them, putting a finger to her lips. "Guys, the library isn't exactly a eavesdrop free zone, so keep your voices down."

"The point is." Dorcas began, in a quieter but firm tone. "We need to do this. Let's face it, we aren't getting any younger here and pretty soon we won't even be able to leave our dorms with escort. SO, we need this."

"I'm in." Sirius declared sitting down in the empty chair next to Cas.

"You don't even know what it is Black." Dorcas said, narrowing her brown eyes at him.

Sirius smirked at her. "Doesn't matter Meadowes. Sounds like it involves a dash of danger and that's what I like in my life."

"…_leach._" Dorcas muttered under her breath darkly, before sighing and saying, "Fine Black, you can come, but then you have to help us with a problem."

"Which is?"

"Lily and James."

Sirius gave her a condescending look. "That's not a problem."

"That easy? I thought James was like your brother," Cas said bluntly, "You don't think he can see through you?"

"I happen to know tonight he and Lily Evans are on patrol together. So they will be too busy making sure everyone else is staying out of trouble to notice us."

Marlene frowned. "I thought they set it up so they wouldn't have to work together…_ever._"

"Well I had Olivia Philabee pretend to be sick and convinced the other prefects that they should lie and say they can't do it. So James would have to fill in."

Marlene leaned forward to look at him. "And _why_ did you do that?"

"Because they are being ridiculous. They won't be in the same room together if they can help it and maybe if they just get over themselves…"

"About damn time you got on the team Black," Marlene said arrogantly tossing her long blonde hair for affect.

Sirius rolled his eyes, "Whatever. The point is, after tonight's game we can go."

"So me, Black, Mar, Esmee, Cas…anyone else?" Dorcas wondered allowed.

"Everett will want in." Cas declared, "And what about Lupin?"

Dorcas laughed, "_Yeah_…he's not the booze and party type."

"He'll be look out." Sirius said knowingly.

"I'm sure he'll love that." Marlene muttered.

Dorcas shrugged. "I'll talk him into it."

"I'm sure you will." Sirius mocked, ducking as she threw a book at him.

* * *

"I'm sorry Everett…how does this loss feel?" Marlene said cruelly, thrusting her hands up in victory, strands of damp hair falling in her face.

Everett scowled, but she saw a flicker of a smile underneath it.

Sweaty and impulsive, she jumped onto his back, placing her hands over his dark skin. "ADMIT I BEAT YOU! OR FOREVER BE WITHOUT SIGHT."

"You are so heavy!" He pretended to whine, she hung on his back effortlessly without any possibility of falling.

"ADMIT DEFEAT!"

"Marlene dear," Mrs. Potter scolded with a smile. "I think Mr. Cooper would appreciate it if you released him."

She sighed, leapt off of him and went to hug her second mother. "Hi Mrs. Potter!"

"Hi honey," Mrs. Potter laughed, not at all bothered by the gesture. "I was looking for my son. My husband and I were separated by the crowd…You are a mess my dear."

Marlene shrugged unconcernedly. "It happens."

There was a beat where all they could hear was the roar of Gryffindor's celebrating nearby. Marlene laughed when she saw Sirius and one of the other guys lifting James up into the air repeatedly.

"Well no one can say my son goes unnoticed." Mrs. Potter said to Marlene.

They put James down and a few started tossing Sirius up into the air. James broke out from the crowd, a small cut on his chin and his hair everywhere, but the minute he saw his mother he raced over to her.

"MUM!" James cried happily rushing forward, picking her up and spinning her.

"JAMES! PUT ME DOWN!" Mrs. Potter giggled, clutching her son in a death grip.

Mr. Potter's loud laugh echoed, as he guided his son into putting his wife down. "Good game son. You too Marlene. You really kicked Cooper's arse."

Everett gave them a scathing look. "I'm going to go drown myself in the shower now…"

"Oh come on!" Marlene called after him. "You did good for you first game…"

"…you were just better," James said to her in a low voice, wrapping his arm around her waist.

"True." Marlene grinned.

James pulled away to hug his father briefly. "I didn't think you guys could make it."

"I dragged him away from his desk." Mrs. Potter admitted, as her husband put his arm around her dainty shoulders. "He needed a break."

"I suppose so..." Mr. Potter replied gruffly.

"Well I'm glad you guys did." James declared, "You needed to see how great your son is."

Mr. Potter snorted giving his son a look. "And _so_ modest too."

"He gets that from me." Mrs. Potter smirked ruffling her son's hair.

"MUM! DAD!" Sirius shouted rushing forward and forcing the elder Potter's to hug him.

Mr. Potter laughed but wrinkled his nose. "Why do you smell Sirius?"

"…They dumped me in a pile of mud."

"And then you decide to hug me?" Mrs. Potter questioned, laughing at his stupidity and cringing at the thought.

Sirius shrugged innocently. "Seemed like an appropriate reaction.

Mr. Potter sighed, running a hand through his grey hair. "We should get going. We'll see you in two months for Christmas." He locked eyes with Marlene, "Take care of my boys will you?"

"I always do."

He smiled at her. "I know you do. I feel like we handpicked you as their nanny when you were born."

"More like their keeper." Marlene scoffed, gesturing to James.

"It's not like I'm Headboy, Quidditch Captain and top of my class or anything." James retorted.

"Yes," Marlene grinned teasingly, "all thanks to me."

Mrs. Potter shook her head, her hazel eyes twinkling at Marlene in approval. "Well, good game you three."

"If you see Dorcas tell her that she is expected to live at our house over the holidays." Mr. Potter added, before the couple turned and started walking back for the castle.

James watched his parents with a smile on his face, watching his father plant a kiss on his mother's forehead as they walked like it was the most natural thing in the world. Unintentionally he looked around, and before he realized who he was looking for, he found Lily standing with Dorcas and Remus at the edge of the crowd. A laugh was bright on her face; while she watched his teammates celebrating their first win of the year. His own smile faded, and he tucked his hands into his pockets. He was happy that she was happy, but he knew he couldn't go over to her. They hadn't spoken in a month and he wasn't ready to start now.

"I'll see you guys later." James said, clapping Sirius and Marlene on the shoulders. "I'm going to hit the showers. Good game."

"You too Jay," Marlene said smirking.

Sirius saluted him and stayed by Marlene. Once James was out of earshot, he looked at Marlene devilishly. "You ready to pop Cooper's party cherry?"

"Fuck yeah."

"Let's go get the cavalry then before curfew."

Marlene nodded following him through the crowd.

* * *

After he showered, James showed up for his patrol. He'd given the map to Sirius hours before so it would be strictly by the book for the first time in weeks. He knew he'd have to work with Lily. That fact was something he'd been avoiding thinking about for several hours.

"I'm sorry." She said quietly, too ashamed to look at him. "For the way I've treated you."

He didn't look at her, he wanted to hear what else she might say.

"I know you hate me and I get that. I'm not going to do anything." She said in a rushed voice, her face flushing. "I just wanted you to know I am sorry."

"Okay." James replied stiffly.

"Yeah…so _that's it_." Lily shifted uncomfortably, looking at him occasionally to see if he had an expression, he didn't.

James said slowly, "I can't be friends with you Lily. It hurts too much."

"I understand." She said her heart clenching.

"I love you and I can't shut that _off_." He admitted blatantly, "I don't know what's going on with you, but I can't act like I feel any differently. That's just the way it is."

Lily's lips pressed together, "Well…That's…that's the thing..."

Her chest tightened. She wanted to say it. To just admit to it and be done with all of the crap that was holding her back, but she was terrified. He was so cold; he wouldn't even look at her. What if saying she loved him wasn't enough? What if wanting him wasn't enough? What if it was too little too late? Lily had never been afraid of James, not even when she barely knew him. There was always a line of trust there that she hadn't even been aware of, but how could she tell him this?

She eyed his jaw line, his cheekbones, his long eyelashes, his clumsy glasses and distant eyes. Every part of her wished she was closer to him and it was killing her to hold herself back. Hesitantly she said, "James…I-"

They both heard a crash and glanced at each other. "…_What the hell?"_

* * *

"I thought you said Moony would be here!" Sirius snarled at Dorcas, as they slid down the tapestry to avoid being seen.

"He said he would!"

"Well it looks like he's in our dorm room! _So much for a sure thing_." He shot back.

Marlene let out a heavy sigh. "Would you two quit bickering?!"

Esmee crawled on the floor, singing, "I love floors…they are _great_…but _so cold_." Her big black eyes focused on her sister. "Isn't it tragic Cas?"

Cas let out a low laugh and patted her adopted sister on the head. "Quite."

"Not as tragic as McKinnon's dancing." Everett shot at the blond with a smirk.

"Jealousy's not a good color on you Cooper." Marlene said sticking her tongue out at him.

"Shut up! All of you!" Cas hushed them authoritatively. "We can't get back to the dorms like this...Meadowes, you and Everett get Esmee back to the dorm. Black and Mar, we will distract Lily and James so they will pay attention to us and not the others."

Dorcas sighed, "Fine." Her and Everett put one of Esmee's stubby arms along each of their shoulders, her feet dragging on the floor.

Cas scrunched up her face in thought, her hands placed on the curves of her hips. "I'll go that way and make a whole bunch of noise. You guys wait for them to run and then make noise over there. K?"

"Yeah, go." Sirius waved her off.

Cas sprinted off in the opposite direction her dark wavy hair bouncing after her. Sirius grabbed Marlene's hand and forced her behind a tapestry just as James and Lily came around the corner. The space was barely enough room for one person let alone two, but they made due. Marlene gulped ignoring the fact that every part of her anatomy was now pressed against every part of him. She could hear Sirius's breathing get louder and she knew without wanting to that it had nothing to do with the fact that they'd almost been caught.

It was too dark for either of them to see each other, but they could feel each other move and tense up.

Sirius scowled. For months he had managed to coexist with her and even somewhat go back to being friends with her. It wasn't the same. They had been best friends, almost as close as he was with James and it was too much, he couldn't let himself be that close to anyone. So now they were at a sort of in between point. They knew each other better than anyone else, but they forced themselves to act like they were nothing more than friends. It physically pained him to restrain himself, but he did, because he knew what the consequences would be if he didn't.

What he wanted to do was pin her body against the wall and snog her senseless. The problem was it never stopped there, because there was never a limit to how often he wanted to do it. He never seemed to get fill off her and when he added that with the feelings that seemed to always tag along…it led to disaster.

Forcing himself to ignore her, he waited for the coast to clear and used every bit of self-restraint he possessed to not act on his desires.

"We should be good," He muttered, leaving as quickly as possible.

Marlene trailed behind him, her face bent. "Yeah…Want to set off some fireworks at the other end?"

"Good idea." He said, not facing her.

"Then after that we should get back to the dorms. That should be enough time from Everett to get back."

Sirius nodded. "Let's go."

* * *

The next morning, Dorcas let out a low laugh as she saw little Esmee cradling her body into the Gryffindor table. Marlene was sitting next to her rubbing her back soothingly, but it didn't seem to be helping much. Dorcas sat down next to her with a wide smirk.

"You going to Hogsmeade today there Cooper?" Dorcas nudged Esmee, earning a scathing look from Marlene.

"I'm sooo hung-over." Esmee groaned clutching her circular face in agony.

"I told you to drink the potion." Dorcas said shaking her head. "But you kept telling me not to give you the 'anti fun potion.'"

Esmee glared at her. "You should have made me drink it."

"I'm not going to force you to drink it. You're an adult."

"A good friend would have…"

"When I have ever claimed to be a good friend?" Dorcas snorted, "You can ask Marlene who has known me for 7 years."

Marlene said, "Yeah she's a shitty friend."

"And that's okay," Dorcas smiled, "Because I can't be good at everything. It simply wouldn't be good for the population."

"Is that why you and Remus are in a row?" Marlene replied.

Dorcas scowled. "_No_…Remus and I are in a row because he's acting like an idiot. It has nothing to do with my perfection."

"Not what I heard." Sirius declared sitting down at the table across from them.

"Well that's because you're an idiot sympathizer." Dorcas informed him before taking a rather aggressive bite out of her toast.

"Fret not, you can get some space. He's not coming to Hogsmeade."

Marlene leaned forward to speak to Dorcas, "I bullied him into helping me herbology."

"I think that's a bloody useless class." Dorcas declared, a disgusted look on her face. "What do I need to know about plants for?"

"Lots of things." Marlene replied vaguely.

"Name one thing!"

"If you are ever stuck somewhere, you know what to eat and what will eat you." James retorted sitting down across from Dorcas. "What's up with Esmee?"

Dorcas lied, "Stomach ache."

"Everyone planning on going to Hogsmeade this morning will be split up among the teachers. This is a supervised visit. So all of you look at the listings in the Great Hall and please report to the carriages."

Sirius rose to his feet and left without a word.

James eyed the table. "Where's Pete?"

"Probably in bed." Dorcas shrugged unconcernedly. "He didn't want to go out with us last…_week_." She corrected herself at the last minute.

He didn't notice. "Oh I thought he'd come with us. So it will be just you, Sirius and me?"

"And I." Marlene corrected him. "And yes."

* * *

Eating a full breakfast, James, Dorcas and Sirius piled into a carriage to head to Hogsmeade. "Black, why do you look _so damn happy_?"

Sirius's grin widened. "Well I'd tell you Meadowes, but then I'd have to kill you."

She scoffed, crossing her arms. "I'd _love_ to see you try."

"Kids," James scolded them, with a smile. "Let's try and get along."

"Yes dad." Dorcas and Sirius said in unison, making the three of them laugh.

They climbed out of the carriage and split over to the teacher that was chaperoning this trip and Dorcas suddenly understood why Sirius was so excited. Shaking her head, she rubbed her eyes careful not to rub off any of her eye make-up.

"He's _such_ an asshole." She chuckled.

James said, "Of course he is, he's Sirius Black. Why would he be anything else?"

"Well he's your best friend."

"Your damn straight he is." James proclaimed proudly, before grabbing onto her arm. "Watch…she's about to figure it out."

James and Dorcas moved to edge of the group so they could see the teacher, both of them waiting with anticipation.

"_Oh no_…" McGonagall said seeing Sirius rush to the front of the group, an impish grin on his face. "Black I thought you were on Flitwick's list."

He laughed heartedly, putting a hand on his chest as if he were a 40-year-old heavy man. "Don't you lie, you knew this would happen."

"I'm afraid I did not. Now kindly get in line Mr. Black."

"Oh McGonagall," He beamed, "We are going to have a _delightful_ day."

"Black-"

"I think since we will be spending the entire day together we might as well switch to a first name basis don't you think?"

"Christ," Dorcas laughed under her breath, "He's out of control," She told James.

James grinned. "He's just having a bit of fun."

"What's with you lately?" She asked as they began to walk through the village lagging behind the rest of the group. "Last game perked you up, but before you were acting weird."

"I'm so glad you hold all of your punches Dorcas. I'm so delicate, I greatly appreciate the soft approach." He mocked her sarcastically.

She said, "It's what I'm here for."

"I'm just…" He sighed, running his hands through his wayward jet-black hair. "I'm constantly worried they're going to find a reason to take away my post. Like if I just trip up, just enough…I'm paranoid aren't I?"

"Little bit."

James said, "I just feel like I'm fucking it up. Like last night someone set off fireworks off the side of the building and by the time we got over there they were long gone."

"Oh?" Dorcas asked innocently.

"And the whole time I kept thinking it was cool and that McGonagall and Dumbledore were going to figure out that I really don't think that's something worth earning a detention and I will lose my badge."

"Relax mate, you are overreacting." She clapped him on the shoulder, barely making an impact with her tiny hand. "You tried and therefore no one can criticize you."

James said, "I wish that were a real rule, because that I would succeed at everything."

"You already do." She scoffed. "Name one thing you're bad at…Don't worry, _I'll wait."_

He nudged her, snickering at her. "I actually do have flaws. _Shockingly enough_."

"I didn't say you didn't. I just said you aren't bad at anything."

"I'm rubbish at fixing things, I can't do a cartwheel…I can't whistle."

She patted him on the shoulder condescendingly. "_How tragic."_

"It was when I was younger! Marlene can do cartwheels, and handstands and all that stuff. Sirius can whistle…" He grumbled.

"_Such a dark past you have._ They'll make a fairy tale character off of you yet. Poor little James Potter, the pretty boy who couldn't whistle or do cartwheels finally meets someone someday who teaches him how do all of those things so he can feel all fulfilled inside."

"You're _such_ a little shit, you know that?"

"I've been told as much. Don't worry," She clamped her child-sized hand over her heart, "I love you too."

* * *

After Sirius had received an entire month of detention for harassing McGonagall for four hours straight, they all headed back to the dorms for a bit. Sirius dragged Peter out of his room and made him play chess with him. Remus and Marlene watched for a bit, taking bets on how well they were doing, while Dorcas and James shared a couch and took a nap. They both faced opposite ends, and Remus woke them up when it was time for dinner.

"I feel like I'm rarely in here anymore." James muttered fixing his glasses and glancing around the Gryffindor common room.

Sirius grabbed a cushion and in a shrill voice said, "We misssss youuuu Proonnggs. Whhhhhyyy didddd youuuu leeeeavvve?"

"That's just creepy Padfoot."

"WHYYYYY?!" Sirius questioned chasing James around the room with the cushion. "HOOOOW COOOOULLLD YOUUUUU!"

"PADFOOT!" Remus grabbed his shirt. "_Come on._ Put the cushion down and let's get food."

Sirius dropped the cushion, straightened his hair, leaned on Remus and fluttered his eyelashes. His voice went up a few octaves. "I just love when you're authoritative. It just does something to me…"

"Are you _trying_ to make me vomit?" Dorcas wanted to know.

"That's it Meadowes," Sirius rolled up his nonexistent sleeves, and chased her down the hall.

Dorcas cackled, "I'M FASTER THAN YOU! _EVEN IN HEELS YOU FAT ASS_!"

And she was right. No matter how fast he ran, she still was faster and Sirius didn't even care. By the time all of them settled in at the Gryffindor table for dinner all of them seemed to be in a good mood.

Marlene looked around for Lily and saw she was sitting with Alice. The sight wasn't unnerving or bad, it was just odd. She made a note to talk to her about it later before piling food onto her plate. James and Sirius were discussing what they should go over at the next practice while Dorcas flung food at Remus across the table. She immediately dropped the fork the minute she saw McGonagall approaching.

"Heads up, McGonagall is headed our way." She told them.

James groaned when he saw her eyes were on him. He turned to his left, "She's looking at me isn't she?"

Dorcas frowned. "Yeaaaah. She is Potter."

"Mr. Potter?" McGonagall addressed him softly, "If you could please come with me, you are needed the Headmaster's office.

"Alright," He said hesitantly sending Dorcas an anxious look. James stood up and whispered in her ear. "I'm so screwed!" Before trailing behind McGonagall with a distressed look on his face.

* * *

The whole walk though McGonagall didn't say a single thing to him, which made it a million times worse. At least if she started yelling at him he could defend himself or know what precisely he had done wrong. With silence he was left with nothing, but guilt of every single thing he'd ever done wrong.

She stopped in front of the Headmaster's door and said, "I'm sorry."

He stared after her, in confusion. If he were losing his badge she wouldn't apologize. She would lecture him, scold him and even glare at him, but never apologize. Growing more anxious, James knocked on the door and once Dumbledore told him to come in he did.

"James." Dumbledore started in a somber voice and James froze.

The headmaster had never called him by his first name before. Not ever. His hazel eyes narrowed, and he gripped his chair waiting for the shoe to drop, but terrified of what it could be. The look on the Headmaster's face told him it was serious and enough to get an apology from McGonagall.

"What is it… _sir?"_ James said, his voice tight.

"There was a raid late last night. All of the Auror's were called in…including your father. A fire broke out, the building fell apart and your father was trapped inside. They couldn't get to him until hours later…He didn't make it."

There was a beat of silence, and then another, which grew into several minutes. James didn't notice Dumbledore had been talking to him. His eyes drifted to the floor, and his eyes watered.

_He heard nothing._  
_He felt nothing._

His heart was beating, but he couldn't connect to it. It was as if in those few minutes his heart had been severed from his body and was operated by something separate from himself.

"…James is there anyone you want me to retrieve?"

James didn't respond though this time he heard him speak.

"Sirius is on his way and your mother is waiting for you at your house. I've hooked up the floo network. My fireplace will take you there when you are ready."

He kept perfectly still, his jaw unclenched, and his body slackened.

"Your father was a good man. I'm incredibly sorry for your loss." Dumbledore pressed, the sincerity ringing in the air, right through James' chest.

Soon hands clamped on his shoulders, he knew it was Sirius without turning or thinking about it, the way he knew what the back of his hands looked like. But he didn't say anything to him. He couldn't speak. He couldn't think. James just sat there in perfect shock.

A half hour earlier he had been laughing, and having fun. Now he couldn't even breathe.


	57. Beside You

_When you're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath _

_When the space between the things you know is blurry nonetheless._  
_When you try to speak but you make no sound _  
_And the words you want are out of reach but they've never been so loud_

_If your heart wears thin I will hold you up _

_And I will hide you when it gets too much_  
_I'll be right beside you_  
**-Marianas Trench-**

* * *

"When's the last time you checked on him?" Marlene asked, her voice barely carrying as she leaned against the counter.

"Twenty minutes ago." Sirius replied evenly.

"I can't tell if we should be worried or…" She made a gesture, scrunching her face up in confusion.

He glanced out to see James still sitting on the grounds. "I stayed with him all last night. I think he needs a bit of space. We can smother him later."

"I'm more worried about tomorrow." Marlene admitted.

They both were still dressed in their sleep wear; Marlene wore a long baggy grey shirt and short shorts, her hair was up off her face and she wasn't wearing any make-up. She looked even more pale than usual. Sirius was in a plain t-shirt and his pajama bottoms. He too looked worn and exhausted despite the several attempts to fall asleep. His hair didn't look sleek, smooth or graceful at all. It was askew in a way that would have worked on James, but looked wrong on Sirius.

The pair of them couldn't look at each other, any time they did their eyes began to water and they remembered why they were there in the first place.

"Everyone will be there." Sirius stated, leaning back on the cabinets. "I don't know if that will make it better or worse."

"There's no way of knowing."

"Where's mum at?" Sirius questioned.

"At the funeral home with Dorcas."

His eyebrows lifted in surprise. "Meadowes went with her?"

"She didn't want her to go alone and…_I just couldn't do it._" Marlene said her voice trembling slightly.

Sirius nodded in understanding. He too couldn't handle going and he felt a little of the pressure ease off his chest at the idea that Marlene had felt the same way. It was one thing if he ran from his feelings, but if she did it maybe then it was more complicated than that. Maybe this was just something that it was better if someone…less connected helped.

"Have you talked to Lily?" Sirius wanted to know.

Marlene shook her head, grabbing her cup of tea and taking a large sip. "I haven't had the chance."

"She said she worked everything out with Dumbledore. We can stay as long as we need to and anybody that wants to come tomorrow he will help get there."

"Good."

"Want some?" Marlene gestured to the teapot.

"No."

She frowned, "You should eat something."

"_So should you_."

Marlene shrugged, "I haven't been hungry."

"Neither have I."

She laughed, it wasn't a real laugh, there was no warmth.

"What?"

"Everything."

Sighing, Sirius walked over, grabbed the cup from her hands, put it down and pulled her into a hug. She laughed again, but didn't fight it. Instead she slid her arms around his waist and let him hold her. It was against her better judgment and as soon as this crisis was over they would go back to their unspoken arrangement. They had both lost a father. Yes Marlene had a dad, but she grew up with Mr. Potter just as much as she had with her own. And James's family was all Sirius really had so it was as good as losing his own father. The next day they would get behind James and be there for him in every way possible. But for right then, Marlene rested her head against Sirius's shoulder and he gripped the fabric of her shirt tightly. Both of them leaned into each other and closed their eyes. They eventually pulled away and went their separate ways. Sirius went to bring James something to eat and Marlene started cook lunch, but they didn't look at each other again.

* * *

"When are you going?" Remus asked Lily, his head bent, his fingertips pressed together.

"Tomorrow morning…I have to finish James's head duties and I had to cover for Camille…" Lily said her voice scratchy.

"Fifth year Slytherin?"

"She was the only muggleborn left in Slytherin."

Remus let out a low breath. "_Fuck_…"

"Her and thirty other muggleborns." Lily said, leaning forward, resting her elbows on her knees.

"…Are you thinking about going?"

"Before I considered it…but not now, not after everything…" Lily looked down her face gaunt and shallow. _"I can't go back_…I can't be a muggle and I can't hide. I have to fight, there's just nothing else."

Remus put his hand on her shoulder supportively. His amber eyes glanced around at the frosted grounds. It had been hot a few days earlier, but now there breath was visible and they both were wearing hats and gloves. Lily's face was far paler than it normally was this time of year. The affect should have made her bright red hair and vivid green eyes, but her whole face looked lifeless.

"I talked to Dora," Remus said, "She said James isn't talking. He just…he sits there."

Lily rolled back her lips, her eyes filling with tears, while she held her hands together.

"You should talk to him."

She shook her head, with a sigh. "He wouldn't want to see me right now. He needs a minute to process what's happening. I'm going tomorrow, but I'm not going to make anything any harder on him than it has to be."

"For once when it comes to James…I can see your point."

"If I thought for a second that me being there would help him," Her eyes hardened, "I would be there. But he won't talk to Mar or Sirius. They are literally the two that are the closest to him. If he doesn't want to talk to them it's because he needs time and I'm going to give him that."

Remus cleared his throat. "Yeah…_Yeah_."

"…I just…I saw Mr. Potter a few days ago." Lily whispered her face scrunched up incredulously, "…How could he be dead?"

Remus shook his head, his jaw locked and his eyes strained. "There was a raid. He was killed. Auror's have a high fatality rate, it isn't uncommon…it's just-"

"James's dad always seemed invincible." She answered for him. "You know …when I went to give my testimony he protected me and made sure I was alright…He didn't have to do that Remus. I'm just this…_bitch_ who destroys his son daily…" Lily gave him a look when he tried to refute it. "There's no use sugar coding it. James might have deserved it in the beginning when he was bullying my best friend…but the point is he must have told his father something. And even if he didn't…Mr. Potter went out of his way to protect me. _He didn't have to_. I was legally an adult. Why did he do it? _No one else would have done that."_

"That's just the way he is..._was_." Remus corrected himself with a shiver. "He always took care of all of us like we were his own."

A tear slipped down her cheek, but she was calm. "Because we are…It doesn't matter who we are, the minute you become friends with James you get taken into his family...And before you know it-"

"You're one of them." Remus nodded in perfect understanding. "You know…when I twelve I first met Mr. Potter. I don't know if you can accurately remember what I was like since you were the same age, but I was scrawny, scared and terrified. I kept thinking that it was some joke that James and Sirius would want to be friends with me. So when I went over James's house for the first time, I ran into Mr. Potter and…" He stopped placing his hands under his chapped lips.

"And when he saw me he smiled and said," Remus cleared his throat, "He said that I looked like I was lost because I looked so nervous. And I said who I was and he said, "You're not lost then. You're James's friend. He told me you were coming by."

Lily turned and saw tears were gliding down Remus's face.

"Do you know…" Remus began, wrecked. "That I lost every friend I ever had before them? I was so…so afraid they might see what I was and run. _So scared_ I wasn't good enough and Mr. Potter. He was so confident and so completely… _genuine_ when he was talking to me. That was the first time I realized they might really be my friends. That maybe they really thought I was worth it."

"_You are_." Lily answered simply.

He laughed wiping his face casually. "You've always said that. You've always believed in me."

"_Because you're worth believing in_."

Remus hung his head.

"And unlike everyone else I've ever known. I've never even been able to question that."

"I love you too."

"Tomorrow's going to be hell." Lily muttered taking a flask out of her pocket and taking a swig.

Remus's eyes bulged. "…_Lily…is that-?"_

"Want some?" She asked unconcernedly.

"_You could lose your badge for that!"_

"I could also lose it foooor being out here when the castle is on lockdown, orrrr for letting Dorcas taking everyone out drinking…" She forced a smile when she saw the look on his face. "Yes, I knew and I let her leave…She likes to think she's protecting me…but honestly I'm glad she's making everyone have fun. Even if it's against the rules…Even if I'm _supposed_ to look down at her for it."

He blinked and frowned.

"Don't tell her I said that." Lily pointed at him sternly, "Or she'll turn the school into one giant we-might-die-tomorrow-so-we-need-to-party…party."

Remus shrugged. "She would."

"And that's why you love her."

He smiled. "And that's why I love her."

Remus put his arm around Lily and kissed her forehead like he always did. Then they both sighed in unison.

"We should go." He told her.

She nodded, and helped him up. "Yeah."

"I'll be by at 8:30am to get you." Remus said leaving her at her portrait hole.

"Okay. I'll see you."

"Bye."

* * *

James was aware of everything; Sirius helping him up and taking him through the fire, his mother crying into him, Sirius hugging him telling him how sorry he was.

But he couldn't feel it. He couldn't let it in. There was no reacting, because that required him to process what was happening and he just couldn't do that. If he did he wouldn't be able to handle it so he just felt nothing at all.

The morning of his father's funeral he woke up and just sat there.

He knew that somewhere in the house his mother was fully dressed and waiting for him to come out of his room. There was nothing he could hear to tell him so, he just knew it the same way his body knew what time to wake up when he had to get up at a specific time. It was just there, preprogrammed and ready to go.

The floors were cold beneath his bare feet, and his body ached from two days of lack of sleep and lack of food, but it didn't affect his suffering. His suffering was stronger than any ache of natural starvation.

He loved his mother, his brothers and his sister…and Lily, but his father…

Ever since he was born, ever since he had breath in his body he looked up to his father. It was something a lot of kids did, but for some reason he always felt like it wasn't the same as it was with him and his father.

His father was the first person to hold him in the entire world. The first person to see him, the first person to smile at him, the first person to be there and to be told that he was gone was so unfathomable he couldn't even stand a second of thinking about it.

A lot of people were close to their parents. His connection with his parents wasn't a miracle. They were two people who loved each other and later on in their lives, they managed to have a child. There was no war going on, no forbidden love or hostile environment. It was simple and that's what hurt the most. Because he was the only one to ever have a normal life. Sirius's parents beat him and told him he was nothing. Marlene's family took her for granted and forgot about her until they needed her. Lily's family casted her out and made her feel like she didn't belong. And Dorcas's family didn't care about her at all.

James never could complain about them. He could say they grounded him or they yelled at him for sneaking out with Sirius, but never anything worth remembering even a week after.

His mother was still alive, and he clung to that idea, but even the sight of her broke his heart. She had been married to his father for forty years. How was she supposed to get over this? How was she supposed to just walk away and act like she didn't lose the love of her life?

His parent's weren't just married for the sake or being married or to keep the kids together. They were married because there wasn't a single soul on the planet they would rather take care of when they were sick or crying. They were together because they needed to be together, because it was the only way their worlds made any sense.

And now she was a widow, and James couldn't breathe.

"Jay," Marlene's voice drifted into the room.

He looked up and saw she was already in a black dress.

"Sirius is coming in here in five minutes. If you aren't changed, he's gonna help you."

James wanted to nod, he wanted to acknowledge her. He really did. Here was Marlene, here for everybody appreciated by few and here he was, not able to thank her for a single thing or even talk to her. All he could do was look at her and think of how he didn't deserve to have a friend like her; friend who loved him no matter what, a friend that looked at him like he held the world up straight.

No matter what he didn't, he couldn't speak.

"Okay." She mumbled, placing the side of her palm on his face, and kissing between his eyes. "He'll be here in a minute."

* * *

True to her word, Sirius came for him. James did some things on his own, but only after Sirius instructed him to do so. He was like a very reactive robot, unable to convey emotion or speak, but perfectly able to follow directions.

When they finished the pair of them walked into the hallway, where Marlene, and Remus were waiting. Both of them looked formal and nice, but both of the rims of their eyes were red. James didn't look at them long, he wouldn't have even moved forward if Sirius hadn't clapped a hand on his shoulder and led him forward.

Soon he was in the church where the funeral was taking place. He was vaguely aware of the process it took to get there, but he couldn't precisely focus on the details. It was all a blur, one shaky blur.

When he went inside, he heard the massive crowd that had come to pay their respects whisper about him. Sirius's hand tightened on him, a sign of his ongoing and unwavering support, but there was another hand on his other shoulder, that he recognized after a few moments was Remus's. They were trying to convey what words could never explain and he understood, just as they understood he knew they were there, even if he couldn't respond to it.

His mother stood at the front of the room. She was graciously accepting people condolence's though she looked like it was taking everything she had to stay standing. Her grey hair was swept up; only strands of raven hair were still visible, but only just. Her hazel eyes weren't sharp like they usually were. James had always thought his mother could see the intentions of anyone just by looking at them, and now he could see that power fading. Her right hand was perched on Dorcas, who stood diligently by her side like he should have been. If she were uncomfortable she didn't show it. She just stood strong next to his mother like it was where she was supposed to be.

In the back he saw the McKinnon's and wondered if Marlene would be sitting with her family or with him. It made sense for her to sit with him, but he could also understand the case for her sitting with them. In the second row Peter was sitting with his mother, a ghostly look on his face.

Through the masses of people he saw quite a few people he knew. Some came up and apologized to him personally. The one's he had played Quidditch with or shared a class with at some point gave him a hug or patted him on the shoulder. He always moved with them but never responded. Whenever anyone would get too close Sirius and Remus would act as his enforcers. He'd thought Sirius would be the one to get physical first, but Sirius was the one speaking reason to Remus, to stop him from hitting a very rude ministry official. It seemed Sirius wanted to show his respect to Mr. Potter by using his self-control and not fighting at his funeral.

Considering what they were saying, and his temperament, there was nothing Sirius could have done that could have shown his love and devotion any clearer.

When they sat, he sat next to his mother, and Sirius sat on the other side of her. They held their mother's hands and waited for the service to begin.

* * *

"Excuse me." Lily whispered, moving through the church, struggling to navigate through.

She walked up to the man leading the ceremony, and said to him, "Mr. Potter's goddaughter would like to speak."

The man looked confused. "His godchildren are both dead. His only living relatives are sitting over-"

"_Listen to me_." Lily spoke sharply and firmly. "Harold Potter took her in, and his wife would appreciate it if she would speak. Now if you have a problem with that, I'm personally friends with the entire family and I can make your life a living hell."

He fumbled with his large glasses. "I understand you are upset young lady, but you can't just expect me to change the order-"

"_Do it, or I will get Albus Dumbledore to make you_." She threatened without even a single clue whether she could follow through on that.

He scoffed, "Well he's right behind you, so I doubt that will work."

Lily tensed up, a flood of guilt and shame coloring her face as Dumbledore walked forward and gave her a calculated look.

"Ms. Evans."

"Professor." She stated not exactly sure what to say to defend herself.

He considered her for a minute before addressing the man. "Well?"

"Well what Albus? You can't be-"

"Oh you'll find I'm quite serious." Dumbledore said lightly, though his tone was not to be misunderstood.

The service leader looked taken aback. "Uh…well…I suppose I could…just make sure his goddaughter doesn't take too long-"

"She's not one to drag on." Lily told him, giving Dumbledore a grateful look.

* * *

"I could stand up here and tell you what an exceptional man he was…but you know, and if you don't know that you should get the _hell_ out of this building." Dorcas began viciously, her eyes darting as if daring people to even test her sincerity. "I will say that he loved every single person he came into contact with and that…" She paused, her voice growing thick. "There was_ nothing he was prouder of or more happy to have been apart of than his son's lives._ Every good thing that was in Harold Potter is_ stitched into James_. There is not a single bad thing about him, and if anyone else says there is I will _kindly_ throw them out."

James looked up, his eyes shinning with tears.

"He told me he had the greatest family anyone could ever ask for and that every single day he spent with them was worth every pain he ever had to experience in his life." Dorcas declared, "And of course I asked him what a white, upper class, male had to suffer through, because…_well_ I'm a young rude girl and I ask questions like that to people who offer their home to me... And he said to me, that his parents died right in front of him when he was fifteen years old. His older sister was murdered in a mugging, a year after that and his brother struggled for fifteen years before his untimely death…So he went years with the belief that anything good that he attained would be taken away from him. Until he met Eleanor."

Dorcas's eyes were burning with tears, but she continued on. "He said when he met her he came to the conclusion that his entire life could fall apart. It could disincarnate in front of him, along with any good deed and hard work he had done and he would move on, because he finally found something that was worth fighting for, something that made him _want to live and not just survive_. And he said that was worth the pain, because at least he knew he had loved enough to be hurt in the first place, _which is the entire point of living_."

She pushed down on the podium with her slender little arms, her lips thinned. "I may never accomplish anything in my life that's worth something to anyone in this room, but if I live but what he taught me in the short time I've known him…I think _I lived enough_."

Dorcas's mascara was running, and her make-up was completely ruined, but no one would have been able to tell her voice, because even in the middle of an emotional breakdown she kept herself together as she strutted off the stage to go sit next to Remus and his family in the row behind James.

* * *

A few other people spoke, but James didn't really listen to him. Dorcas was right; they all said the same things. Sometimes they'd add a personal anecdote in it, but he was still thinking about what Dorcas had said.

A hand rested on his back, and started rubbing it soothingly and subtly so if he wanted them to stop all he had to do was move a bit away.

He didn't. Because somehow he knew who it was.

There were probably 500 people in the church, it was filled to capacity and he knew a dozen who would do this, but only one who would give him the option to shake her off.

_It was Lily._

He could have lied and said he'd been looking for her but he hadn't been. For the first time in a long time he hadn't thought about her at all. But the instant he felt the warmth of her hand on his back, he woke up. It wasn't a conscious decision. James just suddenly became aware of everything that had been distorted, like he'd been hit on the head or something.

Instead of just observing he started to feel things, like for example the fact that Marlene was not with her family, she was sitting next to Sirius, holding his damn hand.

Brotherly rage swelled up inside of him, and he wanted to separate them to opposite side of the room right then and there. He would have too, if he hadn't heard his mother sniffling next to him. His rage didn't subside, it merely was put on hold, because he wasn't just angry about Sirius fucking Marlene or his father getting killed, he was furious at everyone and everything.

And it felt good.

* * *

**Authors Note:**  
I'm going to start posting my new edited chapters soon. This has not been edited yet, but I will post the new version when it is!


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